Grail Works prompt:
Deadpool enters the Grail Works headquarters through the fourth wall, and just sort of irritates several people. He doesn't really have a problem that needs solving, he just dropped by because there were a few interesting people around. Like Shiki. And Rin. And a dragon.
He might touch the stuffed animals.
It's not like anything they can do will actually hurt him. Well, maybe Graillya, but aside from her… I guess Shiki might count too. I just don't know.
Anyway, Shiki bailed, but that's probably for the best since I don't know how to write him. He's been replaced with Kohaku and Hisui in their Carnival Phantasmy incarnations. Because in the end, that's pretty much what this story turned into: Crack, but only such that the characters never go (much) further out of character than they do in Carnival Phantasm. I hope I do right by the GW Personnel. I probably don't...
And now, I am appalled to present:
Dead in the Water: An Embarrassing Grail Works Incident
In Which No One Actually Dies, and Water is Not Involved
Generally speaking, a typical day at the Grail Works Headquarters meant that everyone would be waiting for something to happen for several hours. It wasn't the best business plan, but they were a charity, after all. 'Something,' of course, was an extremely large variable however, and aside from 'normal,' could be defined as anything between the designations 'rather strange,' and 'velociraptors with gatling guns.'
No one knew where the name for the higher designation came from. Nor did anyone admit to being the first to say it, though everyone suspected Shirou. Whatever the case, the name had stuck, and Shirou may or may not have developed a habit of briefly smiling every time he heard the phrase that he may or may not have created. Though not when it was actually a VWGG situation, in which case it was handled appropriately.
After four hours of nothing though, the employees were getting just a little restless. Of course, they couldn't have known what would happen, so it was hard to place blame on anyone for the incident about to ensue other than its instigator.
Yes, it was definitely going to be one of those days.
“Has anyone seen Shiki around?” asked Arcueid. “I think I slept on my neck funny, because it hurts every time I turn my head like thi–ow.”
“You're not fooling anyone,” Rin waved her off. “If you were hurt, you'd just heal yourself with magic. He's not here right now by the way.”
“Aww, but I wanted someone to rub my shoulders,” she said dejectedly. “Do you know where he went? How soon will he be returning?”
“I wasn't really paying very much attention, I just heard something about a demon castle and the guy with the whip having gotten food poisoning from his sister-in-law's cooking and needed a substitute.
“What?! But we were supposed to go on that one together! He promised! Ciel and I both made him promise he'd take us with!”
“Together or individually?” Illya asked, the very picture of innocence.
“You couldn't have gone anyway,” Rin waved her off, smirking deviously.
“See that's the thing about Castlevania, though, Arc. That's the universe where the crises are averted by killing the vampires at the end. You would have been on the chopping block. Ciel was the only one who could ever have gone with him. That's the only reason she helped you make the deal in the first place, sweetie.”
“What?!—I'll kill her and then I'll bring her back so I can kill her again!”
“No you won't,” said Illya.
“Why not?!”
“Because you swear to do that every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but nothing ever comes of it.”
“I'll do it this time!”
“Also, having an executor on our staff list is a good way to keep the church off our asses.”
“I don't care! I never did! I want to beat her to death with her own pancreas!”
This statement caught Shirou slightly off guard, though only because he was dubious about the effectiveness of human organs in a fight, although in the situation Arcueid was suggesting, it probably wouldn't matter. For multiple reasons.
“I think you should maybe stop antagonizing the Dead Apostle Ancestor now?” he suggested timidly.
Illya seemed to consider this for a moment. Then she shook her head.
“Nah.”
“But you have no reason to be so rude to her.”
“Oh, it's fine.”
“What if she gets angry at you?”
“I'd stop before things got that far.”
They looked at the vampire. She was still muttering about Ciel, seemingly oblivious to the conversation going on right next to her.
“So, since our childish Holy Grail doesn't care if everyone here gets maimed, Shirou,” said Rin, “what do you say we leave her here and go to the batting cages? Or ski ball. We could play ski ball, because I want to get frighteningly good at that too.”
“Hey you can't just go and say that!” cried Illya.
“I'm not just saying it, I'm doing it.” Rin took hold of Shirou's wrist and began leading him toward the front hall.
“But you can't!” Illya insisted.
“And why not?”
“Because Big Brother is mine! He belongs to me! Shirou is my personal property!”
“Uh, do I, maybe get to have a say in that?”
“No! Quiet, Shirou, this is for your own good.”
“I have some serious doubts about that.”
“I can do whatever I want! And so can he! Besides, it's his choice anyway.”
“But you can't just grab him and bail! Something could happen!”
“And I simply don't care.”
“Why is someone's head sticking out of the wall?”
“Obviously because they're–wait, what?!” Rin sputtered, looking at the far wall. Sure enough, someone was staring at them from the opposite end of the room.
“Oh, hey! I was wondering when someone would notice me. I've been waiting for almost two hours,” said the someone. They couldn't really tell who it was since he was wearing a red and black mask, and was mostly submerged in the wall.
Arcueid stared.
“Wowzers. I thought we fixed this wall last week.”
“You mean after Anakin and Tahiri from the Star Wars FishVerse fell out of it while being chased by Blackwing Project zombie stormtroopers? Yeah, I did, but then I thought about the possibility of fanfiction worlds being available to us, and reopened it. I am going to have so much fun with this wall!”
“Wait, there's a world where he doesn't die?!” Arcueid squealed abruptly, hopping up and down like a squirrel on a caffeine high from drinking too much espresso (with lots of milk in it). “Why didn't you tell me this?! You told me the specifics weren't important as long as I didn't drink the zombie blood!” she grabbed Illya by the shoulders and shook her back and forth. “How, by any system of measurement, does Tahiri Veila finally getting with Anakin Solo not register as important?!”
“Because you're the only Star Wars fangirl here.”
Arcueid was, perhaps not so surprisingly, stumped on how to reply to that. She thought for a moment.
“Am not!”
Shirou, Rin and Illya all groaned.
“Star Wars isn't that bad,” murmured Sakura.
“Whoa!” Rin yelped, “Sakura, when'd you come in?!”
“Oh, I've been here the whole time. I just haven't had anything to say.”
“I thought the Star Wars movies were excellent,” quipped Rider.
“Oh, right, she wants to start her own speeder hangar,” Rin drawled sardonically, “whatever a speeder is supposed to be. Sounds annoying.”
“Also for STAPs,” Rider added.
“Yes, those. I don't know what those are either.”
“I'm still in the wall. Damn, you guys are terrible hosts. Leaving your guests stuck in the wall for two hours.”
“To be fair,” said Rin, “you aren't actually stuck. Just pull yourself out.”
“I can do that?” he gasped, his eyes widening again. You mean I've been laying here for over two hours because I only thought that I couldn't move? Oh, that is just typical,” he pulled a gloved arm out of the wall. “Well, would you look at that? Damn, I just did something really stupid.”
He climbed out of the wall, revealing that the mask was only one part of a fitted red and black ensemble. If anything, it looked like a superhero outfit. And naturally, this meant that only Shirou thought it looked presentable.
“So, who are all you people?”
“You come into someone's home unannounced and then ask who they are?” Rin snarked. “Sheesh, you have no manners at all.”
“Umm, so I have to introduce myself, but I'll never know who any of you guys are? Meh, what the hell, I'm feeling generous today. I'm Deadpool. And yes, I am that Deadpool, if you're wondering.”
Everyone looked at each other, really having no idea who he was. Or why there would be more than one person in the world named Deadpool.
“Riiight…”drawled Rin. “I'll be back in a minute, I'm just gonna get a snack from my room. Not that this conversation isn't enthralling, just that it is in fact, boring enough to kill.”
“I'll join you,” said Arcueid.
They walked out of the room.
“Psst! Who's the albino?” the masked man asked, whispering just loud enough for everyone in the room to hear, including those who were leaving.
“I'm not an albino, spandex-boy,” said Illya, her pleasant expression promising a massacre, though to be fair, the victims of said massacre were only one person being killed in many, many different ways all at the same time, and the word 'person' was used very, very loosely.
“Umm… that was very rude of you, mister Deadpool!” Sakura clamped her hands over her mouth the moment she was through with her outburst, blushing terrifically.
“You look albino,” Deadpool quipped.
“But I'm not. Though in substance, I'm closer to a computer program than anything, in form, I'm a homunculus.”
“A homunculus?” Deadpool scratched his chin. “Oh! I know this. You're one of those do-it-yourself kit things that you assemble beforehand and then make into a person. I've heard of this.”
He was staring right at her, so he had to have noticed that she was half a comment away from totally losing her head.
“You're parents have my sympathy, little girl. No matter how hard they tried, sex just didn't work.”
“Okay, you're dead,” spat Illya. She conjured just about every knife she had seen in her life—as well as all of her previous lives across multiple timelines, and even a few that had only ever been seen by salamanders—and shot every last one of them at him from as many angles as possible in the amount of space available to her.
“Owhahahow!”
The man went rigid and keeled over backward.
Shirou looked at Illyasviel in shock.
Illya dusted her hands off, commending herself on a job well done, and looked back at her gaping pet boy.
“What? He was being disgusting, insulted me, and was soiling this house with his presence in general.”
There was a rather gross squelching noise and a high-pitched squawk as the man pulled a knife out of his crotch. One of three. Illya's left eye twitched, and she shivered from a sudden wave of terror as he began meticulously pulling the knives out of his pincushion of a body.
This normally didn't happen.
There were several daggers embedded in his head! A person was not supposed to be alive after their head was used as a nailboard!
Speaking of heads, he was now removing the knives that must have reduced his head to a ruined chunk of meat.
“How in the name of every god in existence are you still alive right now?” she gasped.
“Oh, right. I'm what you might call mortally challenged. You know, some people can't hear properly, some people aren't able to walk. I have extreme difficulty when it comes to the act of dying. So I just don't. I've been thrown in front of moving busses, shot with everything from multiple machine-gun turrets to a large calibre railgun, flattened by a steamroller, thrown into incinerators, been dismembered, decapitated, dropped into the Antarctic Ocean while attached to sixteen tons of concrete, destroyed by overuse of the letter 'D,' even had an atomic bomb strapped to my face and set off. Oh, and there was this one crazy S.O.B. who actually attached alligator clips to me and electrocuted me with two-hundred-thousand volts, straight to the nipples,” he grinned beneath his hood, “That's plagiarism by the way.”
“That makes as much sense as shaving cats for charity. I've never heard so much bullshit all at once before.”
Arcueid shuddered at the thought as she heard Illya say this from the other room. Deadpool on the other hand…
“Oh, I feel like I haven't done that in years!”
“Keep him away from me…” Arcueid whispered from behind Rin as they walked back into the living room together.
“I hate this person already,” answered Rin, holding a box of pocky sticks. She looked around. “Why is there blood all over the floor?”
“More importantly, why are there bloody knives all over the floor?” asked Arcueid. “It's like Shiki vs. Shiki all over again!”
Illya put a finger to her lip, smiled, and said, “Shirou lost his temper and nearly turned this poor guy into a pincushion.”
The crazy mercenary's eyes widened. How his spandex suit managed to capture even that most subtle of motions could not be explained. He pointed at Illya.
“That is a blatant lie and you all know it,” he said. “Bad albino.”
“I'm not an albino you d***less f***!” she shrieked.
“Ooh, look! Censoring!” Deadpool noted.
“I'll have to take that back,” said Rin, looking at Illya's face which was now a furious red, “I like this guy.”
And then three gigantic broadswords whirled at Deadpool and bisected him at the waist. Mostly. His intestines were still attached.
“OWHAHOW!” he squawked, before regaining his composure “Oh, I remember the last time this happened,” he said wistfully. “I had to climb these things to put myself back together. Good times, good times.”
“You're really gross, you know that?” Illya scowled.
“Oh, right, speaking of gross—when I said I can't be killed, I forgot to mention, this is the price of immortality,” he lifted up the front of his mask for a few moments and Rin sprinted from the room, covering her mouth, her box of pocky falling haphazardly to the floor. The intestines and the face were apparently too much for her stomach to handle while eating.
Everyone else just screamed.
“Yeah. Believe it or not, I used to be sexy.”
Everyone stared.
“I… uhh. I'm not anymore.”
He looked at the lower half of his body and started crawling backwards toward it.
“Wow, I am not bleeding nearly as much as I'm accustomed to after being cut in half. The author must be really squeamish about gore.
“Or God wants to keep your floors clean.”
“You're still okay,” said Rin, stumbling out of the bathroom, “but never take that mask off ever again.”
“Deal. I even sleep wearing this suit. On Thursdays. So, what do you guys do here? Looks like you've got an interesting place,” he said as he turned his head from left to right. He finally aligned the two halves of his body. His flesh immediately began knitting itself back together and within seconds he was whole again.
“Holy… normally that takes hours. What sort of divine feng shui have you got going on in here? I should make this my new recovery hole. If only I knew how I got here.”
“That's actually really—” Shirou said, only to be completely ignored, “—important,” he said to himself as Deadpool walked off in the direction of the courtyard.
He turned to follow the undying mercenary.
“I should probably go after him before he touches something…or someone… he shouldn’t.”
“You’re not going anywhere until we’re done talking!” Rin protested, grabbing his arm.
“But—!”
* * * * *
The first thing Deadpool noticed about the room he found himself in was that there were a lot of weapons in it. Like, a friggin' crapton of them. Swords, lances, axes, guns, rocket launchers, even things that looked like they were wizard equipment, like a jeweled staff. He felt like a kid in a strip club.
That was how the saying went, right?
A keen-edged sword made of black steel caught his eye. It was in a yellow and black striped case with a glass window looking inside, labelled 'EMERGENCIES AND SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES ONLY!' Well, he was very bored, so obviously there was a very serious emergency. He opened the box and removed the sword, and hadn't been holding it for a second before…
Free at last! a demonic voice hissed inside his head. You shall make the streets flow with rivers of blood, mortal! Kill! kill them all! Massacre these filthy humans in the name of Blackrazor!
“Holy f***!” he tried to throw the sword back in its case, but it wouldn't leave his hand, no matter how hard he tried. It was like his hand had conformed to the shape of the hilt and then stiffened so that he couldn't let it go.
Blood shall be spilled on this day regardless of your intentions, you fool! the sword said, a sneer present in its voice. You will slaughter men, women, children, strong and weak, good and evil—I shall eviscerate all!
Deadpool laughed briefly.
“Not that I have a problem with violence and carnage, I mean it's kind of my MO, but what's my motivation here?”
Motivation? What motive do you need other than to kill those whose blood is still so vulgarly in their bodies?
“Well, I mean, I don't really know where I am. I need friends first, and then… well, I'm really only into killing worse guys than me, while causing the maximum amount of property damage. Fortunately, there are plenty of godawful s***f***s to go around no matter where you go these days. But I still need some allies. To pay bail. You know how it is. Oh, more censoring.”
I am the only companion you shall ever need forevermore. Now let me bathe in the lifeblood of men!
“Yeah, you're kinda gross anyway. You want blood, fine be that way!”
He stabbed the sword into his arm and as soon as blood touched the blade, he found he could relax his hold on the blade, and immediately dropped it in its case.
No! Return to me, vile mortal!
“Nah. You're gross, and I'm in a committed relationship with a dead person, so you'll have to take a back seat. Don't call me, I'll call you.”
He closed the case and the hideous voice in his head vanished.
“Okay, let's try a different one,” he said, looking at the many different weapons in the room. “Which of you looks the least sentient?”
His eye suddenly landed on a large sword with a hilt that jutted out at an odd angle. Further inspection revealed that there was also a hammer, trigger and revolver's barrel on it.
“A sword that's also a gun…” he whispered in awe, “I didn't know you existed until three-and-a-half seconds ago, but I have been searching for you my entire life… only to find you in this weird Japanese house with weird gaseous walls.”
“Don't you mean that you suddenly know how to fill that hole you've always had in your life, if ya get my drift?” he asked himself.
“Yes, yes, we can all see that this sword is the perfect woman.”
He took the sword down from its rack and strapped it to his hip.
Today was a good day. He could tell.
Meanwhile…
“A guy with multiple split personalities, all of very questionable sanity with a gunblade. This can only turn out well,” Akiha whispered to herself from the hallway as she spied on the strange man. “Though in all honesty, this could probably turn out really badly if this goes on unattended. Maybe I should tell someone.”
She thought to herself for a moment, then grinned with such mischief that it bordered on malice. She waved her hand apathetically.
“Heheheh. Nah.”
* * * * *
After leaving the armory, Deadpool quickly found himself in a hallway, in which there were a number of large machines laying about on trolleys, as though they were in transit. None of them appeared to serve any obvious purpose, but in his opinion, they at least kind of looked like doomsday devices? If he squinted. And turned his head sideways. And held his breath until his vision swam. Whatever. They were all glowing with red light, so obviously, they were bad.
Oh, who was he kidding? He didn’t give a flying f*** what they were! He just wanted to break something expensive with his new toy!
He pulled the hammer back, pointed the sword at one of the machines and a beam of blue light shot from the end of the blade and ripped through two of the large mechanical…things. He slashed through another, the blade shearing through metal like it was no harder than stale bread. He repeated the process several times on the same machine several times and then moved on to the next.
While he was violently disassembling the devices, he heard a voice from the next room over.
“Come on Hisui, hurry up!” it was a girl's voice, and it sounded very excitable. “We have to finish setting up the Transmogrifier Mk. 2.3 so that we can nab Shiki and turn him into a cat! He'll never understand what he did wrong otherwise!”
“I have very strong doubts about the efficacy of this scheme,” said a similar but virtually emotionless voice.
He noticed a second hammer on the back of the barrel and knocked the other one back, and fired again. This time it fired a blazing shotgun round into his target.
“Can you guys keep it down out there? Some people are actually trying to work!” called the excitable-sounding voice.
He ignored the voice, and instead knocked both hammers back at once and fired.
This time it didn't actually shoot. However, a beam of blue light engulfed the blade, adding two more feet to the sharp side of the weapon.
“It's like a lightsaber, but harder,” he said.
“And therefore, sexier,” he added.
Then he burned through another device of unknown purpose several times.
“Hold on, keep working on your side, I need to go get the 0.6mm screwdriver from my room. Why didn't I put it back in its case when I finished fixing the lights?” said the excitable voice.
The voice's owner, a redheaded girl in a kimono, ran out of the nearby room and saw the remains of her mechanical marvels and her voice caught in her throat.
“What?” she whimpered. “What happened to all of you?”
Deadpool stared. Ooh, this would be tragically humorous.
The girl didn't speak for a moment. She hung her head, letting her light red bangs fall over her eyes as one hand automatically clenched into a fist.
“These were going to be my trump card for teaching Hisui how to prepare meals that wouldn't kill everyone. The only thing I needed to do was bring them to the basement back at the mansion…” she wailed in despair. “Now they're all gone. She'll never be able to make edible food now!”
“It was an unnecessary endeavour,” said Hisui from the other room.
“Oh, these were your complicated-looking machines. Well, this is awkward.”
Tears abruptly dried up and a dark snicker came from the girl's lips.
“Awkward? Awkward?! Awkward doesn't even begin to cover it!” she roared, hoisting what appeared to be a gigantic laser rifle onto her shoulder. “Say goodbye, you disgusting, vandalizing pedophile!”
“Hey, I'm a disgusting vandal, and a whole list of other things. Like, seriously, you could probably make a short book out of the shit that I've pulled. But in no way am I, nor will I ever be a ped—ow!” there was a discharging noise, a splat, and much of his torso suddenly exploded into mauve vapour “What is with this place that everyone who lives here trying to kill me?” he complained, even as his body fixed itself in a matter of seconds.
“Maybe if you didn't do everything you possibly could to offend them, they wouldn't want to,” Rin called from the living room.”
“What in the—” the redhead stammered, watching the superhuman creature in front of her start regenerating.
“Yeah, see, I'm what you might call mortally chall—”
ZAP—SPLAT! “OW!”
Deadpool looked down at himself.
“Wow, I didn't notice before, but this place even fixes the suit!” Sure enough, the red and black suit was repairing itself just as fast as the rest of his body.
“Why…aren't…you…dying?!” she fired again.
ZAP—SPLAT! “OW!”
ZAP—SPLAT! “OW!”
“Wow, it's like he's on an infinite loop,” she smirked, briefly forgetting about her ruined mechanical marvels.
A girl in a French maid's uniform who looked almost identical to Kohaku but for their clothes and eye color—hers were blue while Kohaku's were a deep amber—poked her head out of the door, her eyes half-lidded as usual.
“Did you get him?” she asked, sounding almost completely uninterested.
“That's…also plagiarism…” Deadpool wheezed from his spot on the floor. The hallway was slowly but surely turning mauve. Shirou and Illya weren't going to be very happy.
“I see you are using your latest Kohakunator. I told you that was a poor choice for a weapon's name.”
“I know, I know. I value your input Hisui, but just this once, I'm going to have to give it a pass,” she said. Hisui looked less surprised than she did before her sister had answered her. And she hadn't looked surprised at all. The more emotive sister turned back to look at Deadpool. “Well, I can almost forgive you for what you did to my poor little ones. What's really important here is that you can regenerate any part of his body, no matter how grievous the damage.
“Ohoho, I'll actually be able to vivisect something without having to worry about accidentally killing it!”
“Oh, this won't be too good. You might want to see my face before doing that…”
* * * * *
“EEEEK!” Kohaku's terrified voice resounded across the courtyard.
“You think he showed her his face?” asked Rin.
“To be fair, she was probably going to experiment on him,” Arcueid said inappropriately cheerily.
“I heard crashing, and several gunshots. He might have deserved it,” Illya added.
Someone else walked into the room.
“Oh, hey, Akiha, what's new with you?”
“Hmm… Nothing comes to mind,” said Shiki's so-called sister pleasantly, passing through the living room without really paying much attention to any of the other personnel. “I'm going for a walk in the park. See you later. Hold all my calls. Also, if Shiki gets back while I'm gone, strap him to my bed. Naked preferably, but as long as he hasn't got a knife and his arms are restrained so that he can't take off his Mystic Eye Killers, it's fine either way.”
They all watched her leave.
No one said a word. The unbearably awkward atmosphere sank into the room with them, making itself comfortable and eating a bag of chips. Or would have, were it a physical being. Which it wasn’t, making such an analogy rather pointless, don’t you think?
That aside, no one dared be the first to speak after hearing Akiha’s diabolical request. But eventually, someone said what needed to be said:
“That girl is seriously messed up,” said Illya, finally breaking the profoundly awkward silence. Rin, Arcueid, Sakura and Rider all smirked at her. Sakura stifled a giggle.
“You don't even realize how ironic it is for you, of all people, to be saying that, do you?” said Rin.
Shirou sighed. Despondency was the word of the hour it seemed.
* * * * *
After deciding that she never wanted to get a better look at Deadpool's body for the rest of her life, Kohaku had decided that she would go back to revenge for breaking her lunch-making-machines. Since ray guns weren't working, she decided to just ram a thick wooden plank into his groin repeatedly, while Hisui battered him about the head with a similar object. It was a huge waste of mahogany furniture, but damn was it fun! This freak show had the funniest cries of pain!
Hisui didn't seem very enthusiastic about hitting him, but that certainly didn't stop her from giving it her all. His ears were still ringing. As she seemed like she could be reasoned with—or at least, seemed more likely than her sister—he had asked if there was anything he could do to convince her to stop hitting him.
Her answer was to whack him in the head with a plank, and at this point, he was beginning to have very serious difficulty telling his head from his… well, everything between his intestines and femurs.
Once he had managed to drag himself away from the two maid sisters, he began wandering the house in a daze and upon regaining coherency, came to the startling realization that he had wandered into a completely different house. It was very big, and kind of lonely. Strange.
* * * * *
“Look, I'm just saying that Shirou was adopted, born to two completely different parents, so we aren't actually related. I just call him Big Brother because I'm really into that sorta thing!”
BZZT!
“Still creepy,” said Rin, taking her hand off of a big red buzzer.
“Whatever I don't give a damn!”
* * * * *
Deadpool continued cutting up more of the fake antique furniture. He checked: They had all said 'made in Taiwan,' not France as the style of the chairs would have suggested. Why was he destroying perfectly good residential furnishings? Well, as most people are aware, there are no bad questions… but that one was. A few minutes later he was bored, and kinda creeped out by how empty the mansion felt. Which was strange, considering that his face was creepier than anything that could possibly be in this mansion.
…Yeah, he had to get out of here. He felt like he was being watched, or like a vampire might jump out at him, which was obviously ridiculous. He stacked the broken furniture up in a pile and then bolted from the area.
“Do you think that guy was really weird, too?” asked Satsuki.
“Somewhat,” Sion answered. Anyway, I should be getting back to my duties. Thank you for your time.”
“Oh, we're always happy to see you. Feel free to stop by again soon. Our offer still stands.”
* * * * *
“Heh, we all know that even were you to start a harem with Shirou, I'd still be the leading lady!” Illya blurted, continuing her argument with Rin, who was about to retort when a thought occurred to her.
“No, you're right that it wouldn't work, but neither of us would be the main character. Saber defaults to the main heroine just because of her B rank Charisma, even if she doesn't actively pursue him.”
“Yeah, you're right…” murmured Illya. A sinister grin worthy of her opponent plastered itself to her face, “so the question is how do we get rid of Saber without getting rid of Saber…”
BZZT!
“Bad train of thought. Disqualified!”
“Huh? Disqualified from what?”
“The opportunity to have Shirou privileges for the rest of the day.”
“You fiend! ...Wait, I don't have to listen to you!”
* * * * *
Deadpool ran through hallway after hallway shooting and slashing at the walls and floor with abandon, but it still took him the better part of fifteen minutes before he found his way back to the Japanese style house. Or maybe it was because he was holding himself to what he told that freaky demon sword about property damage. Now that he was back in the less eerie territory, he did what he normally did when going to a new place: Barge into random rooms and pillage their contents to the dismay of those inside. Stepping through the nearest door, he found it to be filled with more stuffed animals than he'd ever seen in his entire life. They were everywhere in the room, but there was one wall in particular which had them stacked from floor to ceiling. “Ooh, look at all these,” he said reaching to pick up one of several (visible) stuffed lions.
No sooner had he plucked it from its place when…
“Unhand that plushie this very instant,” said a stern voice coming from underneath the pile. A girl no older than twenty poked her head out of the mountain of stuffed animals. Though she was definitely young, she did carry with her an air of austerity. Possibly because of the way she had her blonde hair done up in a tight bun on the back of her head. Possibly because there was a barely perceptible growling noise coming from… somewhere… or maybe because the scent of ozone was pervading the air in the room all of a sudden.
“I can't help but notice that you aren't letting go,” the girl said, her irritation showing clearly on her face.
Deadpool, put his free hand to his chin in thought, and then raised it, with one finger up in the universal gesture for 'I have an idea.'
He moved the lion a few inches sideways. The girl's eyes followed it closely. He moved it backwards, and the girl prowled closer to him.
“What sort of idiotic game are you playing at, you bizarre man. Return… the stuffed animal… now!” she snarled, a strangely deep sound coming from the back of her throat.
“Actualy, I kinda was hoping…”
“These belong to me, and only those I consider family may even touch them, but I would never let anyone remove them from the room. You seem untrustworthy, so I refuse to allow you to hold Brom for even a second longer.”
“Wait, you've named this thing?”
“Not only him. I have named all 2,371 plushies in this room with unique names from various different cultures the world over.”
“Who or what the hell are you?” Deadpool asked, tossing the lion back onto the pile.
“You may call me Saber, strange one. I need not go into detail for a mad man in a mask,” despite having returned the plushie, the glare didn't leave her face. “I cannot help but notice that you've brought a number of sharp objects into my sanctum. There are a great deal of objects within this room that could be easily damaged by such weapons, and your demeanour suggests both a lack of responsibility and poor self-control. I must ask that you leave, now that you've returned the lion.”
Deadpool gasped in what could easily be described as abject horror.
“Hey, I reserve the right to swing these around when I want, where I want, and at who I who I want!” he said, spinning the gunblade in his hand.
Saber's went wide-eyed and caught the weapon in a thick gauntlet that materialized over her left hand.
“Don't you dare play around with these in here, you bizarre ignoramus!”
He drew a tanto from one of the sheaths on his back.
“Aww, come on, it's fine,” he drawled. “Besides, how do you plan on stopping me? I mean look at you; you're so short! It's adorable!
“Short, am I?” Saber responded, her face a stoic mask, “Hmm. An interesting observation. Very well, you've made a case for yourself—a poor one—and I need not tolerate your insolence any longer. Your punishment shall be swift.”
* * * * *
Now, as I was saying before you forced me to change the subject; as long as you have fewer swords than I do, Shirou may never choose you over me.” Illya sneered at Rin.
“Do I have any say in this discussion at all?” Shirou asked.
“No!” both girls shouted.
“Well I think—”
There was an earsplitting roar, and the entire house shook, right down to its foundations —or at least it felt like it did. This roar was succeeded immediately by a shrill cry of terror.
“Yep, he messed around with Saber's hoard,” sneered Rin.
“It is not a 'hoard,' it is a collection!” Saber cried from her room.
“No, it's a hoard,” Arcueid agreed.
“Stop calling it that, you impolite little…”
“If she calls it a collection, then it's a collection,” said Shirou. “Stop bugging her.”
Illya made a show of putting some thought into her decision before she and Rin both said “Nope!”
“What is this? Everyone-Don't-Listen-to-Shirou Day?”
“Nah, we decided that would be in July,” said Rin.
“What?! Wait, look, never mind that for now, just stop picking on Saber, okay you guys?”
“No deal.”
“You can tell that we're right about this because even though we're diametrically opposed to one another, we can still both agree on it,” Illya added.
Nearby, Arcueid took a tranquil sip of tea, and then started violently muttering something about making Ciel watch television static for one week straight.
“Okay, I think I'm ready to leave now,” said Deadpool as he scampered into the living room. “This place is crazy. I mean, I can't die, but you are a scary bunch of people.”
“Right… well, whatever your opinion of us is, I'm sure that several of us will be thrilled to see you go,” said Shirou only half-diplomatically. There's just one problem.”
“You've gotta be freaking shittin' me.”
“Well, you said you didn't know how you got here, so if you can't give us any details about where you're from, we won't know how to send you back.”
“I remember sprinting headlong into a brick wall in Manhattan, and then I found myself inside your wall, which felt completely different.”
“Okay, hold on; let's get to the portal nexus first so that I can use the terminal.”
Shirou stood up and they made their way to a room full of machines that looked like empty archways.
“Brick wall in Manhattan, what else can you give me? Like, do your superpowers have a name? Like an overall thing encompassing all possible powers?”
“Well, the people with dangerous superpowers are called mutants. Does that help?”
Shirou typed something into the terminal and hit Enter. There was a pleasant sounding ding, and the screen gave a quick green flash.
“Okay, I've got a match. Opening the portal now,” he typed in another command, and hit enter.
Nothing happened.
“Try blowing on the hard drive,” Deadpool suggested.
“That wouldn't work. Just wait. One of these will open up in a moment. I've never seen the system fail before, so it's just taking some time before opening.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
A beat.
“How about now?”
“Still yes.”
Before the mercenary could continue bothering Shirou, Sakura walked in.
“Senpai, a portal just opened in the wall. Is that supposed to be happening?”
Shirou scratched the back of his neck.
“Yeah, seems that way.”
“Well, it's been fun, except for the times it wasn't. So long, chumps!”
Deadpool hurried back to the rift wall to see a glowing blue hole that hadn't been there moments earlier.
“Actually, hold up a minute. Is this thing safe? I'm not gonna get AIDS or hyperelectro-syphilis from being intimate with your amazing technicolor dreamwall, right?”
Illya didn't answer, but a large mallet appeared in the air and swung itself at him twice, the first strike knocking the gunblade from his hand, and the second launching him into the portal.
The rift closed as soon as he had passed beyond it to his own world. God would hopefully have mercy on those he encountered there.
“And that's that. I'm glad he didn't cause too much damage with that sword he was stealing.”
There was a sharp squeal and everyone turned in the direction of the hall leading to the Tohno mansion. A few moments later Satsuki hurried into the living room.
“What's wrong?” Illya asked, unable to hide the growing sense of apprehension rising in her chest.
“There are holes in the walls! All over the first floor! After I thought that weird guy in the full-body suit and mask left, I went and started playing one of Kohaku's games, but when I got off, there were holes everywhere! And the house's magic isn't fixing it, meaning the damage is probably magical too.”
“Dammit, he used the gunblade,” Illya groaned. Actually, it would be more accurate to say she snarled, however such coarse behaviour was not at all suited to a lady of her standing.
“He also tore up some of the furniture,” Satsuki added, but nothing irreplaceable. Also, there were nine dead rats scattered around the house.”
Illya was about to respond, when suddenly…
“Holy crap!” Ciel's startled voice erupted from the portal chambers.
“Yesss!” Kohaku pumped one fist in the air. “Sounds like we got him!”
“Okay, what the hell is going on?! Why am I a freaking furry all of a sudden?!” roared Ciel.
“Oh…” said the more emotive sister innocently. “Whoopsie…”
I blame too much orange cream soda, and Kieran for not discouraging me. (Thank you for not discouraging me.)
Deleted scene:
Deleted scene, continuation of the ending
“Well, you know what I say; a cat is fine too.”
“Dammit Shiki!” Kohaku sputtered. “Hisui, Portal Plan Shikitty has backfired! Have you prepared the escape route as we discussed?”
“We discussed no such thing; you ignored the possibility of failure despite the exceptionally high likelihood of such an outcome, as I took care to mention eleven times.”
“You make me sound like the bad guy!”
“I mean no disrespect, however, at this point in time your actions are comparable to those of a minor comic book supervillain.”
“Aww… you're killing my vibe.”
Arcueid suddenly pounced on her favorite person.
“Yay! Shiki's back!” her tone changed abruptly, “This miserable creature hasn't done anything…unseemly to you, has she?”
She shot a nasty look at Ciel. Then she did a double take.
Ciel was a catgirl. And not in the sexy way. She had a snout, and was covered in fur. Her hands were now unwieldy paws. A grin spread across Arcueid's face, and her eyes sparkled. “You know what, Ciel, I think I like you better like this.”
“Yeah, too goddamn bad, you worthless excuse for a vampire! How to I turn back into a human again?”
As you can see, it didn't really go anywhere.
Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope it didn't cause too much brain damage.
Well, this was rather silly. Not too familiar with Deadpool or the Marvel Universe in general, but it was a pretty enjoyable bit of crack. Some of the 'Deadpool getting the crap beaten out of him' stuff seemed a bit overplayed to me, but I assume that's part-and-parcel of his character (again, not a Marvel buff). Oh, and this-
Originally Posted by Draconic
The unbearably awkward atmosphere sinking into the room with them, making itself comfortable and eating a bag of chips. Or would have, were it a physical being. Which it wasn’t, making such an analogy rather pointless, don’t you think?
-Is definitely my favorite sentence in the whole thing. Hurray for lemony narrators!
I blame too much orange cream soda, and Kieran for not discouraging me. (Thank you for not discouraging me.)
You're welcome.
This was cute, if more than a little mind-bending. Catgirl Ciel is a nice image to have, though (granted, the more traditional catgirl would cuter, but I'll take what I can get).
Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope it didn't cause too much brain damage.
“Love will be cruel to who it entices — love will have its sacrifices.”
— Carmilla Theme
"Evil isn't the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as Evil, maybe more so, and it's a hell of a lot more common. What we really need is a crusade against Stupid. That might actually make a difference."
Dead in the Water: A Grail Works Incident
Originally Posted by Draconic
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