The Least Likely Situation You Thought Would Get You Injured or Killed (Comedy)

[Draconic]

Hypothetically speaking. I don't want any real-life stories here. In this thread we will be looking for who can come up with the greatest impossibilities, impossibly unlikely scenarios, and absurdities that are almost certain never to happen to you in real life. If they must be possible, they should st least be in the vein of slapstick comedy.

So the first person to say 'getting run over by an ambulance' gets a boot to the head.

If anyone knows what that's a reference too, I'll be amused.

Anyway, here's how I'll start this slugfest:

Opening your parachute too early… and being waylayed by a disgruntled flock of Canada geese 300 ft. from the ground.

[aldeayeah]

Ah, Canada geese. Or as I call them, hellbirds.

[Walnut Sparks]

"I don't care what those pet care guides say, I'll separate two angry cats with my bare hands if I want."

- - - Updated - - -

Actually, no. That's not unlikely. That's incredibly likely.

[Draconic]

Going twelve rounds in a fistfight…


…with an imaginary friend…

…

and losing.

[Ivan The Mouse]

Dressing up as a cat, sticking a buttered toast on my back with the buttered side out, and jumping from the top of Burj Khalifa.

[Walnut Sparks]

After winning the Superbowl, the team dumps a pitcher of Gatorade over your head.

But it's not Gatorade, it's an 80-pound crucible of molten bronze! April Fool's!

[aldeayeah]

A CROWN FOR A KING

[Draconic]

That's… pretty brutal. And kinda horrifying.

Also, that's twice in a row you haven't given an example aldeayeah. Please contribute to the madness.

Leaping off a building and getting shot on the way down.
Or better yet, dying of dysentery six feet from impact.

[aldeayeah]

TBH I like reacting better than throwing my coin into the stream of randomness, but

Drowning in a swimming pool suddenly turned to jelly by the addition of a mysterious chemical substance.

[Draconic]

Mmmmmmmmm… probably would have been funnier if it were just "drowning in an infinite sea of jello."
Chocolate sauce would also have worked.

[Ivan The Mouse]

Choking on a giant jawbreaker.

[Sunara]

Death by an avalanche of Hula Hoops. Oh wait, that might just happen at work one of these days....

Driving a truck full of loose bells through a jungle and attracting all the jungle cats by the jingles.

[Ivan The Mouse]

Spontaneous human combustion.

[Walnut Sparks]

The first time I ever drive stick-shift, I accidentally shift into reverse on the highway, causing a multi-car collision that flings me into a cable on a passing flatbed. Not until it drives into a gang shootout in Philadelphia and gets its tires shot out do I have the chance to untangle myself and escape, whereupon a car nearly runs me over, but I jump onto the hood and miraculously survive with only a broken nose from slamming facefirst into the windshield. It turns out it's being driven by my last high school crush. She offers to drive me to the ER, but I claim I'm fine because I wanna look cool. However, her husband, a six-foot-four Swedish fitness instructor, insists on taking me to the ER and shoves me in the trunk so I can't escape. Unfortunately, the people at the front desk mix my paperwork up with another patient's and instead of a splint for my nose, the doctor gives me a cephalectomy, which, of course, kills me.

[Draconic]

That was very detailed, but it needs paragraphs.

Spontaneous human combustion.

I want to say no because this is old, but yes. So much Yes.

Getting swallowed by a gazelle.

[Sunara]

Having a lit (christmas) Pikachu display fall on you while on a snow covered lawn and somehow getting electrocuted.

[Ivan The Mouse]

Overdosing on marijuana.

[Draconic]

That is entirely possible. No cookie for you.

Having a basketball slam into the upper left side of your head every November for nine years.

[Walnut Sparks]

No fatal overdoses with cannabis use have been reported as of 2010.^[19] A review published in the British Journal of Psychiatry in February 2001 said that "no deaths directly due to acute cannabis use have ever been reported".^[20]
THC, the principal psychoactive constituent of the cannabis plant, has an extremely low toxicity and the amount that can enter the body through the consumption of cannabis plants poses no threat of death. In dogs, the minimum lethal dose of THC is over 3 g/kg.^[21]

Effects of cannabis#Toxicities

- - - Updated - - -

Though it may be that toking can give you lung cancer just like smoking tobacco. But that's not the same as taking an overdose.

[Draconic]

If it can be dosed, it can be overdosed. It's just a matter of quantity.

Also, I've been putting this off…

It's like if someone told me "make me a milkshake" and i was blind and they gave me the ingredients and I made a milkshake because milkshakes are good, but it turns out that milkshake was a bomb.