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Thread: Heated Rivalry

  1. #1
    I Return PhoenixAct's Avatar
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    Arrow Heated Rivalry

    Heated Rivalry






    Rin's mind felt thick, like she was swimming through mud as she slowly rose back towards consciousness. As she got closer the first thing she noticed was the sound of birds making a damn annoying chirruping noise, possibly from outside a window. The second thing she noticed was that her head hurt. It felt like there was a marching band performing in there.


    She tried to open her eyes and immediately regretted it as as soon as the light touched them a piercing pain shot through her head and the band picked up the tempo. She tried to turn over away from the light and that's when she noticed she was being weighed down, there was something on top of her and by the feel of it it was a person. Instantly she felt ice plunge into the pit of her stomach.


    She touched them gentle a by the softness of their skin they were a woman and if there was any doubt left it was dispelled when she felt the rather impressive...tracts of land, on her chest.


    She tried her best to ignore the musicians and remember what had happened. She remembered she'd attended some sort of stuffy social function and there had definitely been alcohol present. Great, first time she ever drank and she goes ahead and sleeps with some random girl.


    At that moment she hoped for three things, first that she hadn't made a spectacle of herself at the party. Second, that she hadn't said or done anything to suggest there would be a repeat performance of tonight and finally, she really hoped they'd gone back to her room and not the strange girl's.


    Slowly, attempting to allow them to adjust, she opened her eyes, and thankfully it didn't hurt as much as before. When she had them open all the way she found herself staring up at a familiar bed canopy. A quick look around confirmed it was her room. Good.


    She turned her gaze towards her sleeping partner to find the girl had long blonde hair and...


    Oh.


    Oh no.


    Nonononono!


    The woman sleeping on top of her, the woman she had apparently had...sex, with was Luviagelita Edelfelt.


    Suddenly she felt sick but fought it down, any sudden movements would wake...her.


    She tried to weigh her options; her instincts screamed at her to get out of there but what would that accomplish? It was her room and even if she disappeared until Luvia woke up the other girl would probably figure out what had happened, that was if she didn't outright remember.


    Her second option was to move Luvia somewhere but where and she didn't exactly know how to dress unconscious people. And even if she were to dump Luvia somewhere naked (a tempting thought) she might still remember and then there'd be even more hell to pay.


    Another smaller part of her whispered that she should cuddle up to her and enjoy the warmth while she could. This part was obviously sick and perverse so Rin stomped on it with all the mental force she could muster, which wasn't much with that band still playing away.


    Luvia mumbled in her sleep and Rin froze, hoping that she was just sleep-talking. No such luck as to Rin's rising horror the blonde's eyes began to slowly creep open. The two simply stared at each other for a long moment before realisation dawned on Luvia's face. Then, in a move so in sync it almost seemed rehearsed, the two leapt screaming to stand on opposite sides of the bed. Annoyingly Luvia was the one who managed to grab the sheets, leaving Rin to cover her modesty with a pillow.


    “Tohsaka, what is the meaning of this!” the blonde asked, causing Rin to roll her eyes.


    “I would've thought that would be obvious.” she retorted, trying not to wince at the sudden explosion of noise.


    “What dirty tricks did you use?”


    “Excuse me?!”


    “I never knew the Tohsaka family would stoop so low as to spike a woman's drink.” Rin saw red and very nearly lost control of her anger. She took a second to calm herself down before replying:


    “I don't need to slip someone anything to get them to go to bed with me.” She blushed realising the variety of ways that sentence could be interpreted and from the look on Luvia's face she realised it too.


    “Oh ho ho, have experience do we?”


    “H-Hardly,” she stuttered before recovering, “It's just that I'm a faultless example of a beautiful woman, so I imagine it must have been quite a thrill for you!”


    “I-what?!” Luvia turned away blushing, “I simply do not swing that way!” Rin grinned, like a predator sensing weakness, she allowed a note of superiority to slip into her voice.


    “Hmm, so I managed to attract someone who not only isn't into girls but also supposedly hates my guts?” The look on Luvia's face was priceless as she realised that her only options were stroking-er bolstering Rin's ego or admiting to fancying girls.


    “I hope you enjoyed yourself Tohsaka because this will never happened again, you hear me? Never again!” With that Luvia marched towards living room and the front door and then out into the hallway.


    Rin slowly began to count down in her head...


    A shrill shriek echoed from outside and her front door crashed back open. In marched Luvia, red-faced and deliberetly ignoring Rin as she began to search for her clothes.


    Rin watched as she fell to her hands and knees to search under the bed, and my that was a delighful example of how to improve a bad start to the day.


    She's forgetten her own modesty was only protected by a pillow.


    - One month later -



    Rin grunted as she was pushed hard against the wall of her apartment, then moaned as she felt the blonde's lips descend upon her neck. Greedily she pushed the woman's head down harder, as she tried to pull back. The blonde lifted her off her feet and pressed her harder against the wall.


    “Damn it Tohsaka, this is just sex so don't get any ideas.”


    “Whatever, just get on with it.”


    - fin -

    - - -
    Okay this was typed up in about half an hour simply because the idea came to twenty-four hours ago and wouldn't leave me alone! *breaks down crying* I had to get through the whole working day whilst thinking about this!

    *ahem* Anyway I might add more to this I might not, for now it's a (really) short one-shot.
    Last edited by PhoenixAct; February 24th, 2012 at 10:04 AM.
    If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

    There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. - William Shakespeare



  2. #2
    Κυρία Ἐλέησον Seika's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhoenixAct View Post
    the idea came to twenty-four hours ago and wouldn't leave me alone! *breaks down crying* I had to get through the whole working day whilst thinking about this!
    Heheh. Poor you.

    Couple of points where you're missing commas to properly separate clauses, but it's not really making reading it difficult. Other than that, good job.
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  3. #3
    Preformance Pertension SeiKeo's Avatar
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    Tsunverload. It's wonderful.
    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    That time they checked out that hot guy they were just admiring his watch, yeah?


  4. #4
    The only Saber Clone that matters Ace's Avatar
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    This was really nice, I hope you continue this in the future.

  5. #5
    Discuss legoguydude's Avatar
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    *reads story all the way to bottom*

    *goes back up to check OP for little gender symbol on left-hand side*

  6. #6
    Evil Good RadiantBeam's Avatar
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    Phoenix, I think I love you.



  7. #7
    I Return PhoenixAct's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Radiantbeam View Post
    Phoenix, I think I love you.
    The mistress of yuri liked my yuri fic! Yay! And I've wanted to say the same after reading a lot of your work.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seika View Post
    Heheh. Poor you.

    Couple of points where you're missing commas to properly separate clauses, but it's not really making reading it difficult. Other than that, good job.
    I'll go through it again with a fine tooth comb when I'm feeling less tired, probably would miss a bit right now.
    If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

    There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. - William Shakespeare



  8. #8
    Ahahahahahahaha! Hymn of Ragnarok's Avatar
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    Alright, definitely enjoyed this one. Felt a little short, but hey, at least it's self contained and has a decent punchline. I'm surprised Luvia didn't get a few more shots in. Perhaps implying that she was so beautiful that Tohsaka preferred her over all the men? Mutual agreement over the slim pickings? Before they remember they're supposed to be fighting?

    That's all that's coming to me off the top of my head. Still enjoy it, especially Rin's last line. Here's a quick beta to clean it up some.

    She tried her best to ignore the musicians and remember what had happened.
    I paused and backtracked a bit because when you said musicians I started wondering who else was nearby or in the room. Same with mentioning the band. I get that this was a bit of a running theme in the first half, but I would have axed the musicians part.

    But otherwise, once you keep the imaginary instruments pounding in Rin's head, it makes sense. So it can go either way.

    Great, first time she ever drinks
    drinks should be drank.

    When she had them open all the way she found herself staring up at a familiar bed canopy, a quickly look around confirmed it was her room, good.
    I'd just use this:

    When she had them open all the way she found herself staring up at a familiar bed canopy. A quick look around confirmed it was her room. Good.

    She woman sleeping on top of her,
    The woman.

    the woman she had apparently had...sex, with was Lluviagelita Edelfelt
    Should that have one l in Luviagelita?

    It was her room and even if she disappeared until Lluvia woke up the other girl would probably figure out what had happened, that was if she didn't outright remember.
    Lluvia is definitely Luvia. I'd also cut that was.

    Her second option was to move Lluvia
    Luvia.

    Actually, this mistake comes up a lot, although you do get it right at least once. I'd just use Word to replace all instances of Lluvia with Luvia if I were you, or Crtl+F. Some kind of search function.

    she retorted, trying not to wince at the sudden explosion of noise..
    Lose a period.

    “Excuse me!”
    Add a question mark.

    “I don't need to slip someone anything to get them to go to bed with me.” she blushed realising
    \

    Capitalize she.

    the variety of ways that sentence could be taken
    I'd suggest interpreted instead of taken.

    “It's just that I'm a faultless example of a beautiful woman, it must have been quite a thrill for you!”
    Hmm. I'd add a so before it, or something like this.

    “It's just that I'm a faultless example of a beautiful woman. I imagine that it must have been quite a thrill for you!”

    “It's just that I'm a faultless example of a beautiful woman, so I imagine it must have been quite a thrill for you!”

    Something like that.

    “I simply do not swing that way!”
    Swing seems a bit casual for Luvia's speech right now, but this is a nitpick and I have no better suggestions.

    Rin grinned, like a predator sensing weakness, she allowed a note of superiority to slip into her voice.
    I'd replaced 'she allowed' with 'and'.

    “Hmm, so I managed to attract someone who not only isn't in to girls but also supposedly hates my guts?”
    in to is into.

    The look on Lluvia's face was priceless as she realised that her only options were stroking-er bolstering Rin's ego or admiting to fancying girls.
    I have no complaints. I just wanted to highlight this sentence cause I liked it. Good backtrack on Rin's thoughts, and the diction was nice and varied.

    In marched Lluvia, red-faced and deliberetly ignoring Rin she began to search for her clothes.
    I'd use 'as she began'

    Rin watched as she fell to her hands and knees to search under the bed, that was a good example of how to improve a bad start to the day.
    Hmm. How about:

    Rin watched as she fell to her hands and knees to search under the bed, and my but that was a delightful way of how to improve a bad start to the day.

    I'd consider cutting start to the as well, just because the sentence feels a little bulky.

    Greedly she pushed the woman's head down harder, as she tried to pull back.
    That's Greedily.


    That's all I got on two quick skims. Hope it helps!
    Quote Originally Posted by Hymn of Ragnarok
    I refuse to believe that any eroge scene with Taiga would not make allusions to her Christmas Cake status, and this being Nasu, include references to making a cake. Stirring the batter, whisking the eggs, swirl the mixture around....
    Quote Originally Posted by RadiantBeam
    ....

    IS THIS REVENGE, HYMN? REVENGE FOR ALL THE ABUSE I PUT YOU THROUGH?
    That's all, folks!

    Quote Originally Posted by Guy, Vlad_the_II (3 times), Radiantbeam (5 times), YeOfLittleFaith, Ars Poetica, The Curious Fan, Raven2785, zhead
    Damn you Hymn.
    Quote Originally Posted by Spinach, KAIZA (2 times), Old_Iron, YeOfLittleFaith (2 times), Trevelyan, ianmuff, ZidanReign, Sage of Eyes, legoguydude, KooriRenchuu, Break, Keyne
    Bless you Hymn.

  9. #9
    I Return PhoenixAct's Avatar
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    Thank you Hymn, it always helps.
    If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

    There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. - William Shakespeare



  10. #10
    Ahahahahahahaha! Hymn of Ragnarok's Avatar
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    You're welcome.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hymn of Ragnarok
    I refuse to believe that any eroge scene with Taiga would not make allusions to her Christmas Cake status, and this being Nasu, include references to making a cake. Stirring the batter, whisking the eggs, swirl the mixture around....
    Quote Originally Posted by RadiantBeam
    ....

    IS THIS REVENGE, HYMN? REVENGE FOR ALL THE ABUSE I PUT YOU THROUGH?
    That's all, folks!

    Quote Originally Posted by Guy, Vlad_the_II (3 times), Radiantbeam (5 times), YeOfLittleFaith, Ars Poetica, The Curious Fan, Raven2785, zhead
    Damn you Hymn.
    Quote Originally Posted by Spinach, KAIZA (2 times), Old_Iron, YeOfLittleFaith (2 times), Trevelyan, ianmuff, ZidanReign, Sage of Eyes, legoguydude, KooriRenchuu, Break, Keyne
    Bless you Hymn.

  11. #11
    A+++, would read again.

    Please do expand on this.

  12. #12
    Venus Swordman Ergast's Avatar
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    Damn, that was hot. The only complaining I really have is that Shirou/Rin lemons/limes aren't that abundant, and that isn't even directed to you (or only you, in any case). And no, Elf, Archer doesn't count as Shirou when it's me the one talking

    Nonsense aside, it was really funny, I could picture their faces in every line, their characterization was really acurate and it contains some Rin goodness, so I'm really pleased.
    Last edited by Ergast; February 25th, 2012 at 07:48 AM.

    Spoiler:
    Quote Originally Posted by shiningphoenix View Post
    Rin: "I wanted Saber..."
    Archer: "What? But Archers are all insanely OP, it's like a rule or something, why would you think Sabers were better?"
    Rin: "Sabers are more molestable..."
    Quote Originally Posted by Vigilantia View Post
    AC!Rin. Fixing problems one moan at a time.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sage of Eyes View Post
    Denizens of another dimension, meet Rin Tohsaka, Tsundere of Mass Destruction
    Quote Originally Posted by Christemo View Post
    I dont even know what Lunatique is. I assume it's terrible for the sake of argument.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ergast View Post
    Damn, that was hot. The only complaining I really have is that Shirou/Rin lemons/limes aren't that abundant, and that isn't even directed to you (or only you, in any case). And no, Elf, Archer doesn't count as Shirou when it's me the one talking :P
    Nor are Shirou/Sakura ones....

  14. #14
    後継者 Successor Prince Charon's Avatar
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    Its good, and quite amusing.

    For some reason, though, until the hair was mentioned, I wondered if she was in bed with Sakura. That might be RadiantBeam's fault.


    "Those who say it can not be done should not interrupt those who are doing it."
    -- Chinese Proverb

  15. #15
    Evil Good RadiantBeam's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prince Charon View Post
    For some reason, though, until the hair was mentioned, I wondered if she was in bed with Sakura. That might be RadiantBeam's fault.



  16. #16
    Zap! Alulim's Avatar
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    James!
    Everything I say is a lie.
    LIKE A KING


    Quote Originally Posted by Komrade Kwestions View Post
    "It's not gay, it's magecraft!"

  17. #17
    ジュカイン Lycodrake's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alulim View Post
    James!
    Don't you mean Koujiro? :P
    Quote Originally Posted by Seika View Post
    Yes, excellent. Go, Lyco, my proxy.
    F/GO SUPPORT

  18. #18
    Zap! Alulim's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lycodrake View Post
    Don't you mean Koujiro? :P
    Al grew up with the americanized version. He will forever be James to me.
    Everything I say is a lie.
    LIKE A KING


    Quote Originally Posted by Komrade Kwestions View Post
    "It's not gay, it's magecraft!"

  19. #19
    Evil Good RadiantBeam's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lycodrake View Post
    Don't you mean Koujiro? :P
    Do not ruin my childhood memories.



  20. #20
    *bo~ing* *bo~ing* nununu's Avatar
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    Same here. It feels weird calling Ash Satoshi.

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