The Beast's Lair Fanfic Contest (2017 Edition) (Discussion Thread)

[TwilightsCall]

I'm with You and Draconic on this one. Forcing 3 people to write fairly in-depth reviews about my work is definitely the most appealing part of these contests for me lol.

[Historia]

don't you hand in homework on time?

in advance, so yes

[You]

submitted

[Milbunk]

Less than 12 hours to go and I got Twilight and You's entries! I unfortunately have to work and will not be on until just a few hours before the deadline, but if there are any issues I'll make sure to deal with them as soon as I get the chance.

[zikari8]

What. Shit. I messed up. Read the deadline wrong.

I'm out. I lose. I didn't make it to the finish line. I regret everything.

[Milbunk]

Hmm, considering how short this contest is on contestants if you can get it to me by midnight tomorrow I am willing to allow it with no penalties!

[Sir Jackets Off]

Finished! Where do I submit?

[Milbunk]

Either email it to me at [email protected] or pm it if it's short enough.

- - - Updated - - -

Alright folks, as mentioned before anyone who enters in by midnight tomorrow will not receive any penalties! However now the contest will be considered ended and I will send off what I do have to judges and post them on the forum.

[Milbunk]

The thread for the fics has been made, because of BL's post update feature it will take some time to get them all up on the thread but if I could get someone to post directly after me each time I post it'll speed things up.

Though there are only 5 fics I believe that the quality of them is rather good! Thanks everyone for another year and successful contest.

[SpoonyViking]

Drat, I think I made the same mistake as zikari8 - I thought I'd have until midnight from Saturday 8th to Sunday 9th! Well, thanks for extending the deadline a bit, Milbunk, I'll be sending my fic as soon as possible.

[SpoonyViking]

There, sent it!

[alfheimwanderer]

It is time to read these...entries. Let's see how things are this year.

[Draconic]

Let's have a look.

[zikari8]

Dammit. In the end, I still failed... not to mention how garbage my fic is...

Submitted.

[Milbunk]

So I got not one, not two, but three people who sent me their fics today!

One I have already uploaded and the other two I'll put on the thread in a sec, but I am pleasantly surprised to see more entries than I was expecting.

From this point onward if someone wants to enter the penalty will apply so I declare the deadline to be officially ended.

[alfheimwanderer]

And here are my scores...

A Drop of Quicksilver

Artistry (30 Points): 30

When I saw the title, I was wondering...ORT? When I read the first section, I wondered if this was a view of the awakening of the Aristotele of Mercury at the end of the world through the eyes of the aboriginal people of South America. Then, as I read, I slowly began to realize that it wasn't the last day of Gaia's existence, but the day of ORT's arrival, 5000 years early (clever use of the title there!).

Showing how the Lady of the Moon's thought processes and connection with the world were corrupted by the pieces of cystal that wounded her were also a nice touch. Very much eldritch horror material, as is appropriate given that ORT is similar in some ways to a Great Old One.

Characterization (25 Points): 25

Well, ORT is in character! Our viewpoint character is an OC, but the characterisation is consistent with her role.

Setting (20 Points): 18

While ORT was recognizable as ORT, the lack of any of the characters or structures we know does mean that it felt more like the setup to a Cthulhu Mythos tale than a Type-MOON story, given the setting.

Technical (15 Points): 15

I didn't notice any problems with this story. I assume you had a beta - and if so, good on them.

Uniqueness (10 Points): 10

Given how rare fanfiction on Notes is, I'm giving this full marks. I like the use of the OC, and the fact that we're not focusing on yet more magecraft, but on nature and people who I assume are akin to planet terminals.

Total: 98

A Lone Master

Artistry (30 Points): 26


Sakaki Yumizuka, you say...is this the grandchild of our poor unlucky vampire girl? He seems to have inherited his grandmother's unlucky streak, what with having no servant at all. In terms of the protagonist's final fate, leaving it uncertain was probably the right move there - it maintains a feeling of tension, with the discovery of the journals by Hakuno and Nero neatly marking this as a side story in another person's tale.


Characterization (25 Points): 22


Our viewpoint character is an OC, and there's not exactly much material to go on to determine characterization, since the story was basically a collection of short journal entries.


Setting (20 Points): 16


Kind of recognizable, with the mentions of the Moon Cell, the Aozaki sister and Hakuno letting us know it is set in the EXTRAverse. Fits in well enough as well, so its not just a Nasu in name only tale.


Technical (15 Points): 14


Decent enough.


Uniqueness (10 Points): 9


I've seen EXTRA fiction before, but I don't think I've ever something where one chooses to run from the presence at the beginning. Wonder if the character made it?

Total: 87

A Summoning

Artistry (30 Points): 25


I confess that when I first read how the giant had a head consisting of two buttons and many stitches on a burlap sack, I thought it was a Servant - though the fact that it was instead a "doctor" serving the Master of Rider adds a bit of horror to all of this.


What I find most interesting is the talk of tales, and how the girl who summoned the Hatter was said not to fit a tale. It makes me wonder if its a fairy-tale war of some sort, with Rider being someone from the Brothers Grimm universe.


As for the one that summoned Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - is she supposed to be an eratz version of Extra's Alice, since she also forogot her name?


On another note, while the German "accent" was an interesting clue, you made it way too thick to be comprehensible, which doesn't help.


Characterization (25 Points): 22


Ah, more OCs. Some strong characterizaion choices, but not really enough for me to make a determination of who they are.


Setting (20 Points): 18


The setting is recognizable as a Holy Grail War, though what war and where is unknown.


Technical (15 Points): 13


Adequate, I suppose.


Uniqueness (10 Points): 7


It's a Grail War. I'm only rating it so highly because it seems like all the servants are fictional characters from children's tales, otherwise we've seen a thousand of these.


Total: 85

Being an Evil Kitsune for Fun & Profit

Artistry (30 Points): 28


I admit to being a bit wary of this story when I first came across it for two reasons: 1) This is a Fate/Grand Order fic, and it is really, really easy to give in to the temptation to show off all the different characters; and 2) This is crack comedy, and good comedy is harder to pull off than drama or tragedy. Still, I found this entry thoroughly entertaining, especially with the running gag of the spatula given a proper resoulation after a great deal of self-referential, fourth-wall breaking humor that worked for the characters involved. Also, I found the inclusion of the "resume" that Tamamo was writing up to be a nice touch - you definitely went above and beyond on this one.


Characterization (25 Points): 23


Well, given that this is a crack fic (with the characters turned up to 11 and twisted here and there), there's not that many points of reference to use for characterisation, save for the various 4komas and pieces of fanart here and there. In this bizzaro version of Chaldea, I suppose it fits.


Setting (20 Points): 18


For all that this is a crack fic, I did appreciate the conceit of Tamamo applying for a job as the villain of the next arc of Fate/Grand Order, trying to question poor Doctor Roman about applying for a job. Personally, I thought No Name Archer might have been better suited in the role of the one being questioned than Solomon, given that he better understands the modern world, but eh, workable even so.


Technical (15 Points): 14


A few typos here and there, but nothing that was a huge detractor.


Uniqueness (10 Points): 9


There have been other F/GO fics, most of them comedic in nature. Still, compared to standard FSN, there are hardly many of those, so nice job on choosing something different.


Total: 92

Cursed Cold Colle

Artistry (30 Points): 30


The way that Bram's thoughts kept returning to his sister was evocative of the grieving - something I unfortunately have some experience with, with him going through all the different aspects of grief in the course of the story until, in the final battle, he won not through force of arms or impressive magecraft (though those were certainly there), but by accepting who and what he was, his limits, and what he wished.


I also found it a nice touch that Bram went in, overconfident, believing he could handle everything, only to realize that in the end, he couldn't. That in the end, the person he came to rescue had to save him instead.


Characterization (25 Points): 24


I can't really say if Bram was in character or not, given that we've never seen him exposed to that level of grief in canon, but it definitely feels realistic.


Setting (20 Points): 20


Plenty of very nice details - definitely felt like a Type-MOON Story!


Technical (15 Points): 13


A few typos. A few sentences that seemed a bit awkward, but overall, nicely done.


Uniqueness (10 Points): 10


When I first read the title, I thought it was going to be some sort of erotic horror Kancolle story. I was glad to discover, as I continued to read, that I was mistaken, that this was set in a version of the world after Apocrypha, focusing on the Icecolle and Bram Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri.


To my knowledge, I don't think any fanfiction exists of those characters, let alone of Bram mourning for the sister he never really came to know.


Total: 97

He Was a Good King

Artistry (30 Points): 20


This looks to be a Beowulf origin story, yet there is none of the musicality of the original saga. It is very straightforward and really is an example of telling more than showing, and while that isn't necessarily a sin in itself, the blurb abruptly ends. We don't see the fight, the aftermath, or any real character development or events.


Just a snapshot in time.


Characterization (25 Points): 25


Feels and acts like Beowulf.


Setting (20 Points): 10


Look, there's nothing to show this is Type-MOON at all. This could just be from the original myth for all we know, as its horribly generic.


Technical (15 Points): 11


It's choppy. You have grammar issues riddled throughout. It doesn't even flow well.


Uniqueness (10 Points): 6


I appreciate that you tried to go for an origin story, illustrating how Beowulf became the battle-made Berserker we know and love from F/GO. Unfortunately, it doesn't really read well, and I think you could have used more time, because this feels like either a rush job, or just the first of four scenes, with the rest not having been completed.


Total: 72

Le Meilleur des Mondes Possibles

Artistry (30 Points): 24


A Candide reference, eh? I suppose I'll grant a few points for that, and perhaps even for the framing of the events of the story as a dream. Even if that particular narrative device is fairly passe, it does fit with Artuia being the main character, given how she described the events of the game in her final moments.


The role reversal of Arturia and Shirou was also amusing, and I'll admit that the mention of the crazy magical girl Caster who went bankrupt made me smile, but all in all, I rather think that the wild fourth-wall breaking (and references to F/HA etc) was rather distracting. Not that all dreams are coherent, but...


Characterization (25 Points): 21


I suppose I can make some allowances for a story that happens in a dream, but its not as if the characterization is particularly consistent.


Setting (20 Points): 13


Type-MOON dreaming, though again, the fourth-wall breaking doesn't actually help here, since it feels...off. It doesn't feel like a truly fictional world, nor like a dream, just an odd mishmash of both.


Technical (15 Points): 13


Decent. I think you may have some unnecessary commas, but the writing is clear enough.


Uniqueness (10 Points): 7


I'm not super happy with the dreaming was done, though for what its worth, the story was still rather entertaining, so give yourself a hand for that.


Total: 78

THE MAN WHO SOLD THE WORLD

Artistry (30 Points): 23


A Metal Gear reference, but no actual Metal Gear? Not even some nanomachines? Colour me disappointed! On a more serious tack, I don't think you really show the erosion of Shirou's ideals well enough. If you'd set it just on the night before the execution, with Shirou wrestling with his inner demons, that would have been a much more powerful framing device.


Characterization (25 Points): 20


In all honesty, this Shirou...felt a little flat. I don't feel much humanity from him, or even the desperate need to save someone, to help. He says it, but it feels...hollow (which, yes, I'm aware is kind of an amusing thing to say given that its Shirou).


Setting (20 Points): 12


It is obvious that it is a Type-MOON story, but in a way that makes it feel that the story is just going through the motions.


Technical (15 Points): 12


Some unnecessary commas and choppiness, with flow issues running throughout. Not perfect, not the most horrible piece of writing I've had to read lately.


Uniqueness (10 Points): 6


Another Archer Origin story.


Total: 73

[SpoonyViking]

Once all the judges send in their evaluations, are we allowed to comment on them?

[Sir Jackets Off]

Hmm maybe I made Rider way too vague X.x

[You]

Hmm maybe I made Rider way too vague X.x

usually people don't say what they wrote until all the judges put their scores in to avoid bias when being scored. That's why Milbunk is the one who puts all the stories up.
But since you're new I don't think anyone has a bias for or against you.

[Sir Jackets Off]

Ahh whoops X.x............
*hanging myself*