Mashu's Guide to Surviving Chaldea (For New Recruits)

[Draconic]

Mashu's Guide to Surviving Chaldea (For New Recruits)
A list of things to do, or avoid doing, when interacting with
some of the biggest egos in the universe in the workplace

This list is copyright of Mashu Kyrielight. Any attempt to reproduce this list without the creator's permission will be met with shield bashing followed by Arthurian Retribution from upwards of five knights, and one very fluffy animal.


1. Respect the mages. They aren't all worth it, but they think they are and get very cranky when you don't show respect.

2. Avoid Gilgamesh. He's the impossibly handsome blonde man with red eyes. He wears golden armor and if not, has gold earrings, a gold necklace, and is unquestionably the shiniest Servant in the building. He is also the meanest, most volatile, unpredictable, egomaniacal, and above all, terrifying Servants here. If you see him and he shows you mercy, do not run away. Politely excuse yourself and if he asks you to stay, stand in that spot until he says you can go. Even if that takes an hour. Take it from a girl who had to stay in Servant form for a week to regenerate her legs.

3. Anyone who makes a joke about the size of Sir Galahad's breasts will deal with two angry Lancelots. I will ignore you, but he does not.

4. The way to Arturia's heart is through her stomach. She likes rice, chicken, beef, bread, most kinds of fish…actually, if it's edible and looks presentable, she probably likes it. She's a real gourmand, but she isn't very picky either.

5. Saber Alter isn't as evil as she looks.

6. Red Saber is not Saber of Red.

7. Be careful not to get the 'saberfaces' confused.

8. If you're looking for drinking buddies, look no further than Scáthach and her squad of sexy Irishmen (they're very, very sexy). Cú Chulainn also joins Iskandar, El-Melloi II and Jaguar Man. They're fun to hang out with, but keep an eye out for Gilgamesh. He joins them sometimes. That said, Drunk Gilgamesh, while significantly more volatile, is also significantly less dangerous.

9. If you see a goose in a bonnet, please return her to Nursery Rhyme. Mother Goose is one of her best friends but she sometimes gets lost.

9. Try not to confuse Enkidu for a woman.

10. Never ever hit on Enkidu, whether Gilgamesh is in the room or not.

11. Do not question why Gilgamesh appears on this list so many times. It will save your life, and most of your body parts.

12. Tamamo Cat bakes and gives out free hugs. Tamamo no Mae makes puns, curses you, and then 'Ohohos' about it. And then makes another pun.

13. Tamamo Cat's free hugs are very tight. If you want one, either have a strong back, or very loose hamstrings.

14. For your own safety, do not call Asterios 'The Minotaur.' Doing so always results in horn impalements.

15. Though he was a man-eater in the Labyrinth, Asterios is a big ol' teddy bear.

16. Stheno and Euryale may be cute, but their mistreatment of their little sister is indefensible.

17. Medusa is very self-conscious about her height. When speaking to her, do not stand so close as to have to tilt your head upward unless you are already very short.

18. If Erzsébet offers to serenade you, run as far away as possible, as quickly as possible. There is a reason she calls other people 'piggies.'

19. Erzsébet has no self-awareness. Carmilla however takes it to an entirely new level, and is wildly unstable about it. If you point out that she is a crazed psychopathic murderer, even while she's murdering young women in a singularity, she will freak out over being 'misrepresented' as a vampire. As you will see, she does her best to avoid that misconception by going on killing sprees as much as possible. Just steer clear.

20. Tamamo no Mae has a soft spot for humans. As long as you don't get too close, and don't let your guard down, she's actually very nice. I want to emphasize that: be very, very careful.

21. The Knights of the Round Table might sometimes seem like the sanest people here, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're always good company.

22. Marie Antoinette isn't smart by any stretch of the term, but she isn't as dumb as the french have made her out to be.

23. Do not raid the nameless Archer's ingredients fridge. He will know. I don't know how he does it, but he will.

24. Just because a Berserker can talk does not mean they are sane. Kiyohime will end you.

25. Do not compare Arturia and Lion King's cup sizes.

26. Do not call Lion King 'Simba.' I called her that by accident once and learned that lesson the hard way. I'm just glad she just smacked me with the lance and didn't actually use it on me.

27. We're not sure where Bors, Kay and Percival are, but we're expecting them to show up eventually.

28. If Merlin asks you if you'd like to volunteer to help him with something, respectfully but firmly decline.

29. If Gilgamesh asks you if you'd like to help him with something, then something has caused him to swallow his pride and as much as we'd all like to shake it's hand, we should probably take Gilgamesh up on his offer to destroy it before it destroys us.

30. Do not ogle Medb. She will jump on you and attempt to mount you whether you want it or not.

31. If Brynhildr challenges you to a drinking contest, do not accept. You will die before she even gets tipsy. She proved that by beating Scáthach, and we all thought the dark witch was invincible. All four Cú Chulainns were inconsolable for a week after that. That said, do not accept a challenge from Scáthach or any of the Irish Lancers, Sabers, Casters, or what-have-you either.
This applies to Siegfried and Sigurd if he ever shows up as well. They're Norsefolk. I have no doubt that they could chug absinth without dying even once.

32. If you hear a pair of Rhinos copulating in Medb's room, that is not her idea of a good time; it is (or rather was) my idea of revenge for being kept up for a month.
That said, do not ask about the horse in there.

33. Altera is good civilization. Please don't ask me what she means when she says things like that. We all love her though.

34. Archimedes is a duplicitous sociopathic fiend, but he does try his best to help out, though he's got a pretty twisted idea about what should happen to the uneducated. That said, as long as you respect his genius, he will tolerate you.

35. Nero is not quite right in the head, but her lead poisoning isn't as bad as it might appear to be from your first impression of her. Give her a few more chances. She'll come around.

36. If you try to say that Tamamo is not adorable, we know you're lying. She's irresistibly cute.

37. Tamamo's tail is reserved for her special someone. We don't know who that is, but she doesn't allow anyone else to touch it. We are all deeply saddened by this, but know that if we can control ourselves, so can you. Also, your life probably depends on it.

38. If you see Caster Gilles de Rais staring at you, run away screaming. That should satisfy him enough not to kill you until he sees you again, at which point wash, rinse, repeat. This is unnecessary if one of the three Jeanne Alters is in the room with him. Do not make the mistake of thinking you're safe though. Jeanne Alter is deadly.

39. Shiki is in a committed relationship don't bother hitting on her. Void Shiki is married and doesn't really seem very interested in anything. Don't bother hitting on her either.

40. Just… don't even talk to Blackbeard. Francis Drake is only marginally better.

41. Do not be fooled by Dr. Jekyll. He's very nice, but Mr. Hyde could switch with him at any moment.

42. Even Berserker Heracles has a heart. Don't be afraid of him. Just don't try to shake hands either.

43. Da Vinci is a man. Seriously.
I'm not joking. Really!

44. A few people do know the Nameless Archer's real name. They will never tell you what it is, so don't even ask.

45. If the nameless Archer mouths off to you, you've made a good impression.

46. Don't ask where King Solomon is. Please, just don't.

47. If Quetzequatl offers to make you a mug of hot cocoa before bed, say no thank you. She means well, but she drinks the ceremonial Aztec beverage. She is not bringing you Nesquick.

48. If Medb offers you a drink, accept it. Do not drink it. She will let you walk away with it, but as soon as you're out of her line of sight, pour it into a garbage bin, (not the drain) and wash the glass she gave it to you in carefully with dish detergent. Twice. I don't know whether she's using ketamine or some other drug, but whatever it is, if she gives you anything that you can injest, it's a safe bet that she's trying to rape you.
Actually, it's not a safe bet. No one would make it because no one would believe anything else.

49. If you call Atalanta 'Atalanyan' to her face, expect to look like a sea urchin within a matter of seconds.

50. Don't ask where Arcueid and the Tsukihime and Melty Blood characters are. We're waiting for them but are beginning to suspect that Nasu is waiting on that for the release of the Tsuki remake for that, so don't hold your breath.


"Wait, is that all?" said Ritsuka, sounding somewhat disappointed.

Mashu looked down at her shoes.

"I'm sorry Senpai. That's all I could come up with on short notice. We're bound to see more people coming in soon now that the world exists again."

"You've got a point—hey!" someone suddenly pulled Mashu's list from his hands. He was about to turn to see who it was, but Mashu's trembling figure was answer enough.

"It's Gilgamesh behind me, isn't it."

Mashu nodded stiffly.

"Indeed," confirmed the golden Servant.

They waited for him to kill them. But then…

"I approve of this," he said, handing the list back.

Mashu let out a breath.

"Well that was anti-climactic," said Ritsuka. Coincidentally, Erzsébet voiced the same phrase as a complaint at the same time.

"Come to think of it, was there even a plot to this fic?"

"No. I don't think it's necessarily over either," said Ritsuka.

"Oh…" the vampire trailed off. "Say, when's the next flight to Canada coming here?"

"Why do you want to go there?"

"To kill the author before he adds anything else to this worthless tripe."

----------

Author's note: Fuck.

Well, I'm probably gonna die now. But maybe I can at least finish one more story, a better/real one, before she arrives and tries to drink me. Or just does.

[Spartacus]

I could imagine Gudao/Ritsuka handle this as a flyer to any Servant he just summoned.

[LegalLoliLover]

Archimedes is in Chaldea already? Also, if Carmilla comes with Eliza, send them both my way.

[Kieran]

Nothing is worth facing Carmilla (unless she's played by Natasha Negovanlis ) - but Liz made a good enough impression on me in Fate/Extella that I'm willing to play human shield/sacrifice if she comes your way . . . We need to keep you alive to transcribe Mashu's updates to the list.

And good job, Mashu - that does seem to cover everything so far, and respectfully enough that Gilgamesh doesn't disapprove; quite a feat in itself.

[Bird of Hermes]

This was pretty entertaining, nice job. I could happily read another 50 if wrote them.

[naschyamamoto]

Nice work with the Grand Order-verse yet again, Draconic. Keep up the good work!

[Draconic]

Addendum Number 1:


51. The gatcha is not a toy. I apologize for not placing this earlier in the list. It is absolutely imperative that you understand this fact extremely well, as it may be one of the most important things you'll need to be aware of while working here.

52. Please don't interrupt the Emiya-Einzbern family during dinner. That's just rude. Also, Assassin never even managed a smile until Illyasviel showed up, so don't you dare ruin that.

53. No matter what Chloe/Kuro says, you are not in any way obligated to make out with her.

54. If you're a man, be careful when you look at Illya, because if her dad sees you staring, he won't be happy.

55. There are some weird things in the Gate of Babylon. Don't be too surprised.

56. Caster Medea pretends to be an amoral fiend, but beneath the act and the distrust is a surprisingly wonderful person, considering what she's done in the past.

57. Jason is a monumental disappointment.

58. If you even try to insinuate that most of the Hassans don't terrify you, we all know you're lying.

59. Mysterious Heroine X's true identity is supposedly a poorly kept secret, but many of us actually still don't know who she is.

60. If the Grandcypher falls through a hole in time and space and crashes into us, then it is not a problem: it is an opportunity. (This list's writer has heard good things about that Erin girl.)

61. Atalanta loves apples, and if you offer one to her, she will be grossly offended and will make you look like a porcupine.

62. Do not ask Arturia to share her food. That's just silly.

63. Do not ask Arturia to part with her stuffed animals. That's just insensitive.

64. Don't bother trying to disillusion Medea Lily. Even the regular Medea couldn't do it, so we've marked her up as a lost cause.

65. I don't know who's doing it, but whoever's playing Silent Hill games in the middle of the night, can you please stop! I will beg if I have to.

66. 'A gatcha a day keeps the monsters at bay,' is neither a healthy nor affordable way to live.

67. Only the Doujin artists have succeeded so far in fusing Grand Order with Pokémon GO, so please don't pester da Vinci about setting up something of that nature.

68. Do not trust Ishtar. Remember how I said Gilgamesh was the most terrifying Servant here? Well, I was wrong; she seems reasonable, but at any moment, she could have a change of heart and try to force Gilgamesh into loving her by killing all of us and destroying the entire world.

69. Do not make jokes about how horny Tiamat was.

70. Do not ask why Nameless Alter is a black man. If you figure that out though, I think da Vinci is offering a prize for that one.

71. No matter how much you beg, the Knights of the Round Table are not going to start a boyband.

72. We're not sure why Sherlock Holmes won't join Chaldea, but we're praying he changes his mind soon, because if he doesn't, we're probably all screwed, what with Professor Moriarty having been summoned recently. Redacted. He's a Ruler Class Servant now, and we're all very grateful for that. And equally frustrated.

73. Do not ask why the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow is riding a wolf instead of a horse. We aren't sure whether the Hessian fiend knows that himself: most of us are too afraid to ask.

74. Do not ask the Hessian Horseman where his jack-o-lantern 'head' is: That part of the legend was just the jealous boyfriend scaring Ichabod Crane out of town and had nothing to do with him.

75. Mozart is weird, and looks absolutely terrifying, but he is most certainly not one of the many people here who you should be frightened of.

76. Shakespeare isn't necessarily Shakespeare, but if you ask him to tell you the truth about the controversy over the authorship of his plays, he will just laugh at you.

77. Shakespeare isn't nearly as nice as he was when he was alive.

78. If Shakespeare is reciting one of his famous soliloquies, please don't interrupt, even if you don't speak English. Also, if you interrupt Hamlet's famous monologue about the choice between life and death, that in particular counts as a crime and you will be punished accordingly.

79. If Tamamo takes over part of the building and makes it her domain, some parts of it temporarily get overlapped by her Perfect Tamamo World, or 'PaMaWo,' in showspeak. Do not call it Tamamo Land, or it will become a lot less nice.

80. If Archimedes tells you to go learn something, it is not a suggestion.

81. If he tells you to go learn the same thing a second time, it's not a demand either: it's a threat.

82. You too can get along with Mordred by following these simple steps:
- Do not insult the king.
- Do not praise the king.
- Do not compare her to the king.
- In fact, just don't mention the king at all.
- If you don't know which king we refer to here, mage, hacker, or otherwise, this job may not be the right fit for you.

83. Caster Gilgamesh's ego is just as mindbogglingly gigantic as his Archer incarnation, but he is infinitely less dangerous, and not nearly as evil. We sometimes leave presents for Enkidu just to say thank you.

84. You're not alone: We were all expecting Enkidu to look like a bonafide beast-man. I assure you, no one was more disappointed than Asterios. And everyone else just thought they'd look hugely alike.

85. If you tell us that Artemis is supposed to look like a prepubescent and clearly virginal girl, we agree with you, and will freely admit that we have no idea what's going on with those giant impossible boobs of hers.

86. We don't know why Orion is a Plushie.

87. If you see a strange, possibly glowing bag/box/container lying around unattended, do not touch it. No, it is not a bomb, but someone will undoubtedly come looking for their quartz.

88. No matter how much someone is annoying you, do not lock them outside. In case you didn't notice all the snow on your ride over here, it is frigid out there.

89. If Nobunaga is laughing about something, you really don't want to ask what she finds so funny.

90. The nameless Archer does take out. That is not the same thing as room service. Please don't make that mistake; it's rude.

91. We've already heard all the phallus jokes about Romulus and his weird growing sword.

92. If Nero hosts a performance within her Aestus Domus Aureum, make sure you have left the mezzanine within ten minutes of the show's conclusion. It's a pretty long way down.

93. Most Servants and employees tend to form their own social cliques based on culture, legend, status, or even gender identity in some cases. Just be true to yourself, and you'll fit right in.

94. Yes, there is, in fact, a plan for the Umbral Star when it's vanguard shows up in fourteen-or-so years. No, we did not allow Archimedes to participate in its creation. Just in case.

95. Due to recent issues with new employees, I regret that I must place the following on this list:
• Every dorm comes equipped with its own bathroom. That said, do not use anyone else's bathroom without their express permission!
• There are a number of public restrooms throughout the facility. However, unlike most places, we here at Chaldea are very much capable of enforcing the flushing of toilets once finished using them. You see, we have a lot of certifiable supergeniuses here, not all of whom are even Servants, and several of whom are masters of investigation. If you didn't flush, someone will know, call you out on it, and you will be ferociously beaten with a mop covered in disinfectant.
• So for the love of God, just flush and wash your hands like a normal person!

96. Similarly, never use anyone else's shower. Ever. I don't know why anyone—except Medb—would do that, but it's happened before, and so it's been put on the list. That said, Medb does this regularly. As for why we don't enforce this for her? Here's the long answer:
It just can't be done.

97. Just because there are no Types or Dead Apostle Ancestors in the building does not mean you should go looking for them. That is what is commonly referred to as a 'bad idea.'

98. Any attempted summoning of a Beast Class Servant will result in immediate termination of your contract.

99. Any successful summoning of a Beast Class Servant will result in immediate termination, period.

100. Anyone who dumps spaghetti into the water fountains will be promptly eaten by a T-Rex.
This isn't something we intended, or enforce; it just happens, and there's nothing we can do to stop it.

Fold/Unfold the page

____

"Do you know where Erzsébet is?" Mashu asked as she submitted the new list to her Senpai.

"No. Why?"

"Wait, she's not back yet?"

"I haven't seen her if that's what you mean."

Mashu looked away. She had to admit, she was getting a little worried…

Meanwhile, in Toronto, Canada…

"Looks like the place," the bloody countess said to herself.

Now, how to go about doing this? Should she just barge inside, or knock, and then pounce the moment he opens the door?

"Ehh, who cares, really."

She materialized her lance and cut through the front door.

"Yeeps!" someone yelped, peeking out of their office to see what the ruckus was. "What the hell just… oh God, no…"

"Oh, you recognize me? That's good. It'll move things along faster."

"Erz— err, I mean, Elizabeth?! What the hell?!"

"Shut up you lousy pig. You'll speak when spoken to."

"The hell I will!" snapped the immature-looking man known to some as Draconic. "This can't be happening! It's just— I can't— I don't—!"

"Spit it out so that I can kill you already!"

Draconic stared at the character he was certain couldn't be there for a moment. Fear quickly was replaced by a quiet fury.

"Elizabeth. What the hell have you done?!" he growled.

"What? Me? What have I done? I—"

"You've turned this into a self-insert you idiotic little trollop! Do you have even the first idea how distressing this is to me?!"

"Am I supposed to care? Besides, you'll be a dried out husk in a few seconds anyway, so you won't lose any sleep over this."

"Ehhh?"

"I'm here to kill you. We've gone over this already."

"That's a generous offer, but nevertheless, I firmly but respectfully decline. Wait, why respectfully? I hate this fricking vampire."

"Uh huh. Well, time to kill you."

"Wait!"

His irritation beginning to wear off, it seemed as though the writer was finally starting to comprehend the danger he was in.

"So, you really plan on doing that?"

"Of course. You're writing is bad, and you should feel bad. Or preferably feel nothing at all because I'll have appropriated all your blood."

"Could I tempt you with the blood of a powerful but stupid man many kilometres south of here?"

"No, I spent hours on a shuttle and I'm ravenous!"

"Aw. Rats. Well, it was a longshot anyway."

Though he would later think it was incredibly obvious in retrospect, Draconic really couldn't see why he specifically had to be her dinner. And as he wracked his brain for a way to get out of this absurd situation, he actually managed to think something up. He pulled his cellphone out of his front pocket and began frantically searching for a particular note.

"What if I could prove—to you specifically—that I'm not a bad writer? Will you leave me alone and let me put the frigging narration back inside Chaldea? Or at least get me out of it?"

Erzsébet tapped her foot in irritation.

"You seem awfully intent on moving things along quickly for someone who's stalling for time. And no, you can't convince me, because I feel like killing you already."

"Is that so? Well if you kill me, then this won't happen."

The author shoved his phone at the vampire, and she looked away immediately.

Then she did a double take.

"Huh?"

"I thought you'd like what you saw there," Draconic pulled his phone back.

"Hey! I was reading—"

"And there we go. I interested you enough to hold your attention, and if you kill me, this password protected phone will never open for you, meaning what you saw could happen for you never will."

"Wait! No! I want to see that!"

"Bitch…" Draconic grumbled, staring down the lethally powerful, lance-toting idol-wannabe.

"Unless you leave, this text never sees the light of day."

"What?!"

Truth be told, the only reason the impulsive man hadn't posted it already was because he'd already entered it into a contest, but Erzsébet didn't need to know that.

"I—" she tried to protest, to no avail.

"Now get out of my house, and don't you, or any other Servant come anywhere near here ever again! I hate self-inserts!"

"Huh? No! How dare you interrupt me! And why do you think I'll even—"

"Out! I can hold this story back for years if you make me!" he lied.

"Okay, okay, I'm going!" the blood countess leaped back outside through the hole where the front door used to be.

"Ugh, how am I gonna explain this one to my parents…? Ugh! I didn't even break this…"

"You don't think she actually killed that guy, do you?" Mashu asked.

"We can't exactly rule out the possibility until she gets back, unfortunately."

"If she kills someone in the outside world, Chaldea could get its cover blown…" Mashu stammered.

"Yeah, we should probably send someone after her," Ritsuka decided.

"I'll go get Cú," she said, putting on her 'bustling' face.

----------

Author's Note: Okay, that was way too close—wait, oh crap another one…

Returning faster than otherwise possible thanks to popular demand! I was honestly shocked that I got positive feedback from this thing, but I'm not complaining, and I'm glad people enjoyed it.

There was always room for more of these, but you can thank Bird of Hermes for the relatively quick update. Thank you Bird of Hermes. I hope this extension lived up to your expectations.

[Kieran]

Well, it certainly lived up to mine . . .

[shounen jump]

60. What's Grandcypher?
65. Betcha it was Jeanna
69. She wasn't horny. She only had two.
70. Is the nameless Alter referring to Alter EMIYA?
85. I get everything else but the prepubescent part? Since when was that a part of her legend?
94. Umbral Star?
95. Do they rotate that duty?

[LegalLoliLover]

60. Play Granblue Fantasy.
94. Play Fate/extella.

[Kieran]

70. Is the nameless Alter referring to Alter EMIYA?

Yes - "Nameless" is his alias in the Fate/EXTRA/Extella universe.

85. I get everything else but the prepubescent part? Since when was that a part of her legend?

It's a variant that crops up from time to time - part of it being her asking her father for three boons when she was a young girl (that she need never marry, that she get hunting hounds, and I can't remember the last), and part of it being that she's a goddess of maidens; therefore, she must be one herself. Classically speaking, that implies prepubescence.

[Draconic]

69. Those things were gigantic.

[shounen jump]

69. She wasn't horny. She only had two.

69. Those things were gigantic.

The fact i am proud of myself for continuing a dirty joke says something about me, doesn't it?

[Draconic]

Click here to see what Mashu saw:

Mashu looked at the photograph warily...

"What am I looking at?" she asked, suddenly absolutely flabbergasted.

"The reason we may have to redact Number Seventy-One, apparently..." Ritsuka said weakly.

Mashu continued to stare.

"There was no way I could possibly have anticipated this..." she suddenly clasped her hands together and got maybe a bit too close to Ritsuka. "This isn't my fault, Senpai, I swear!"

"Don't worry Mashu," he said, sounding incredibly tired. "I don't think anyone could have expected this... Though to your credit, it's not quite a boyband. After all, they managed to get Lion King and Mordred to participate."

"Yeah, I guess. Argh! It's still too shocking though!" she ran her hands through her hair over and over again.

There was no denying it was a rather bizarre thing to look at. How did they even manage to get Mordred on board for that? Hell, how did they get any of them on board with the whole thing? It was a total conundrum! But they knew those knights. By the time that performance ended, they probably swore a divine oath to never speak of it to anybody.

"I think I need an antacid..." she groaned. "Management is hard."

[fsnfan]

Are there any problems when comparing Saber with her Lancer counterpart (Specifically, one part of her)? She wouldn't Excaliblast me would she?

[shounen jump]

Are there any problems when comparing Saber with her Lancer counterpart (Specifically, one part of her)? She wouldn't Excaliblast me would she?

Of course not. Though after words she'd help you improve your swordsman-ship, even if you don't use a sword at all.

[OverMaster]

101. I have no idea why anyone would do this in the first place, but whatever you do, please never stylize your hair so it resembles seaweed. For some reason even they can't quite explain all Servants seem to dislike this, and several downright hate it.

[Draconic]

Addendum Number 2:


101. If you see Merlin flirting with a woman, do not take that as confirmation that she's single.

102. The guy who's got a lion for a head is NOT LION KING! He is Thomas Edison.

103. Do not ask why Thomas Edison has the head of a lion. We don't know.

104. Thomas Edison, the famous American inventor credited with the invention of the light bulb, did not actually invent the light bulb. Some research has uncovered that it was designed by a pair of Canadians who sold him their blueprints for a lot of money. This doesn't mean he's not a very smart man-lion though.

105. Christopher Columbus is a very bad guy. He and the rest of Europe proceeded to cut their way through America and stole all the land from its inhabitants. It doesn't matter to him. He'd do it again. He also introduced smallpox to the Americas.

106. You'll know Columbus by the copious number of weapons he's carrying underneath his colonial jacket. It's honestly kind of horrifying.

107. If you're wondering why some people carry sleeping bags to the main foyer every night, it's because Scheherazade tells bedtime stories. It seems like a course of habit for her.

108. Before you ask, no, we have never seen Charles Babbage's face. And also no, you will not either. Do not go on a comical misadventure with a friend trying to get him out of that steam-powered contraption he rides around in, you will bother people.

109. Mata Hari knows when someone's had too much, and generally cuts people off after a while, so don't worry about passing out at the bar. Your gorgeous waitress will make sure that doesn't happen.

110. In regards to the above, it is genuinely shocking how quickly men forget that Mata Hari can kick their drunken posteriors more easily than a football. Please, save everyone, especially her, the trouble of trying to get in bed with her. She generally says yes if you just ask politely while sober! ...and don't make a scene of it.

111. Do not allow Christopher Columbus to go into the same room as Geronimo and/or Quetzelquatl. They will both attempt to kill him, and are right to do so, but we need him around for now, so please, keep them separate.

112. If Mata Hari offers you free beer while still on her shift at the bar, she either wants something from you, or really, really doesn't like you.

113. Cleopatra, by her own admission, looks nothing like she did when she was alive. By her word, she was short and not pretty even by a stretch. She's smart though and an enthralling speaker, so it's easy to see why she was so popular. We expect that she's been incarnated in a body based on how she's interpreted in modern pop culture. So if you're a history expert, we actually have an answer for this one. Incidentally, she's a really good dancer in her new body.

114. You don't got the moves like Cleo. Don't despair. Only one person ever did, and he died years ago. And was an alleged pedophile.

115. The disturbingly scarred little girl is Jack the Ripper. If you are a woman, avoid her. She's already unstable. If you see her crying and whimpering for her mother, compassion will result in having your guts literally pulled out. Stay away.

116. Do not ask Scheherazade whether she has considered getting her stories published. That's a mindbogglingly foolish question.

117. Scheherazade never told the stories of "Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp", "Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves", and "The Seven Voyages of Sinbad the Sailor." They are not hers, she does not tell them, and I think she's actually a little troubled by the knowledge that people have diluted her story with their own fictions. (Contemporary equivalents aside...)

118. Never get too close to Brave Erzsébet. Her armor covers even less than you already think it does.

119. Ignore what Nero says: Caligula is a lunatic, and should be treated in much the same way one would treat a hungry, foul-tempered lion with late-stage syphilitic insanity, and the maximum amout of lead poisoning one can have without being dead.

120. Kiara is not your friend. She is an eldritch horror. An eldritch sex horror. She will distract you by making you orgasm while she melts you into bloody sludge and sucks your soul in through her… well, a certain part of the female anatomy. No, I'm not joking. Trust me, it's not how you want to die. Whatever it feels like, I had to hold back a scream the first time I saw her do it. I don't know what the afterglow feels like, but if the sounds I heard coming from that…thing (really impossible to describe) are any indication, it's probably something like eternal torment from which there is no escape.

121. Side effects of sexual intercourse with Kiara Sessyoin include pleasure, orgasm, melting, getting your soul devoured, and spontaneous nonexistence. Just don't even try. Please.

122. I've come to recognize that many men are slaves to their urges, so I'm going to repeat this one last time: DO NOT TRY TO BED KIARA UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! YOU WILL DIE! If that's not enough of a deterrent, you will also spend all of eternity having your soul ripped apart within another dimension inside her vagina. And that is something that I never once thought I'd ever think, much less say and record on paper. As it is, it has happened twice already, which is why I have to put the same rule on the list three times.

123. We don't know precisely what B.B. wants. She may seem nice, but like many of the people here, she's incredibly dangerous.

124. Do not tease Passionlip about her ridiculously exaggerated upper body. Her sense of self worth is abysmal, and we're not going to condone anyone making it worse. Also, she might accidentally kill you. She's not actually very adept at using her claws.

125. Meltlilith is nothing like Passionlip. If you even try to tease her about her ridiculously exaggerated lower body, you will end up impaled on her leg-spikes.

126. We have no way to use Second Magic. We cannot go inside the Moon Cell outside of a singularly. We aren't trying to go there either so don't try. It'd be incredibly dangerous. Attempting to travel to the Moon Cell will result in immediate termination of your contract, and from what I've heard from the last attempt, minor to severe burns.

127. We have no confirmation, but it's rumored that Jaguarman has never been asked out on a date. If you're wondering what started the rumors, it's because the entire 'dating' topic is an extremely delicate subject for her.

128. Do not get in the way of a dance-off between Nero and Erzsébet. Your likelihood of impalement will skyrocket.

129. Do not get in the way of a dance-off between Cleopatra and Mata Hari. You would likely be vaporized by the infinite power such a clash could produce. Also, we sell tickets for those, so interrupting would be impolite to their many, many fans. The tickets are a tradition started a few months ago by a friend before the world got restored.

130. Angra Mainyu is a boy from a small village of idiots who thought that if he was all the evil in the world, and could also be blamed and punished for it, it would therefore make the rest of them all perfect sinless beings. He is not the actual god. Idiotic? Yeah, we think so too. Those must have been some of the most awful people to ever live. This doesn't mean he's even remotely harmless though.

131. Unless you're extremely cynical, holding a polite conversation with Angra Mainyu is virtually impossible.

132. If you discover a trail of corpses leading back to a certain dorm room, do not investigate. Call a trustworthy Servant.

133. Please do not kill Cú Chulainn. Just don't do it.

134. Do not eat Gawain's cooking. No one knows exactly what he thinks he's doing while cooking, but we've seen a lot of evidence that quantity trumps quality by a longshot in his culinary opinion.

135. The Phantom of the Opera is a very frightening person. And he's nothing like the character in the musical. This one is a living nightmare. Evil to the core.

136. There's a young man with the exact same hair color as Arturia, and whose armor also looks suspiciously alike. That is King Arthur Pendragon, as we all thought we knew him. That was a real surprise for us. About on the same scale as finding out 'he' was really a girl.

137. Nursery Rhyme isn't the little girl. It's the book she's holding. Don't try to take it from her, that's her actual body.

138. Reports of Sir Percival being a noble-looking man with red hair and scarlet armor wielding a flaming sword are all completely unfounded.

139. You might have heard the name 'Olga-Marie' mentioned once or twice by Servants or other staff. She is our former director. We're holding out hope that she's in one of the singularities.

140. Erzsébet gets cranky if you call her anything but Liz. So call her Liz. Please.

141. Hoarding quartz seems like it might be a good idea, and to be fair, it is. But it has become increasingly clear that people are far beyond not paying attention to #87. If you don't want your quartz to be stolen, keep it locked securely in your room. Otherwise it's fair game. This is something the Servants just don't want to concern themselves with. There's nothing we can do to prevent it.

142. Servants' equipment belongs to them. They have their own personal property and all staff must respect that. It should be obvious, but at the same time, I understand that there are some very tempting things here, especially if you're a mage.

143. To non-mages; if Kuro asks you to help replenish her mana, say no. This is the reason for #53.

144. If Tamamo-no-Mae makes chocolates, eat them very, very slowly. They are all Noble Phantasms and can easily knock a regular human out cold.

145. Hans Christian Andersen looks like a child, and is astonishingly bratty. Just fair warning. No sense in disappointing you any more than you need to be, and you really, really will.

146. Do not call Frankenstein's Monster by her full title, or The Creature. She prefers Fran. She's fairly tame for a Berserker, but making that mistake more than once could cost you a limb.

147. If you are frightened of Fran, she will be frightened of you, and that will make her dangerous. She likes it when people ask her about herself, but keep in mind that she can only answer yes or no questions, and will otherwise attempt to communicate nonverbally.

148. If Scáthach comes out of a beach singularity carrying a great white shark, don't complement her. That's a small catch, and she's probably disappointed.

149. As far as we're aware, there's no chance of this ever happening, but if you find either a tall, dark-skinned sorcerer with black tattoos on his arms, really long silver hair, and voluminous robes, or a redheaded man with green eyes, a ponytail and wearing a labcoat, please inform literally EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY!

150. There is a dorm room labeled "Hookey Hangout." It's not a common room, and it is off limits with no exceptions. I don't care if you compile hard evidence that no one is living there. It's occupied.

Author's Note: That got surprisingly serious near the end, but I kind of wanted a few things with the theme of 'we miss you Doctor Roman.' Just a whim, really. But on the other hand, I'm not exactly having an easy time of it IRL lately, so I was hoping that since I can't laugh, I might at least be able to get a few yuks out of some other people. I don't feel like this was as funny as the others though.

"Hiii everyone!~" Erzsébet sang as she burst through the doors, tail shifting from side to side as she strutted into the main foyer. "Did all you piggies miss me?"

Anyone who looked up from whatever they were doing immediately went back to their respective tasks.

"Well, excuse me!" she griped, "What kind of welcome is that?!"

"Where's the Irish Lancer who brought you back?" asked a lab technician.

He was a new hire, reading the addendum made to the list of things to be careful of. Erzsébet for her part, just looked back at him, not comprehending what had been said.

"Who?"

"They sent Cú Chulainn to go pick you up and stop you from killing that charity case in Canada? Didn't he bring you back here?

"No. Of course not!" Liz sneered up at the lab tech. "Do you really think that little dog could have stopped me?"

"Honestly? Yes." Mordred sneered as she walked by.

"Grrr..."

"Blindfolded," said Anderson. "You're noisy."

"You really shouldn't answer questions that answer themselves," added the chipper child incarnation of the King of Heroes, sitting on the banister of the balcony overlooking the entrance hall. He hadn't even given her time to react to Anderson's insult.

"And how, exactly," Liz spat, not noticing a familiar humming noise coming from around the balcony, "does my question answer its—GURK?!" and a long shaft of metal pierced her through the gut, changed trajectory in midair, and pinned her to the wall three feet above the floor.

"I rest my case, or rather, you do." Gil said, he stoop up on the railing, took an obnoxious bow, and strode off to find something else to keep him busy. "Let's hang out again sometime!" he called back, enjoying his own pun.

"GRRAAAGGH! You little swine!" Liz shrieked, flailing about and trying to push herself off the pike she was mounted on. "When I... Uuurgghhh!... Get down from this thing... grrr! ...I'm going to suck your life out... eeeeee! ...Until you're an empty grey husk!

"Um, excuse, me. Miss Báthory?"

She looked down. It was the lab tech. He looked younger from this angle.

"What are just standing there for?! Get me down from this thing!"

"With all due respect, I've read both your biography, and know a thing or two about vampires, and I happen to know that the moment you're off that stick, I, as a human, will be in immediate mortal danger, so thank you for the suggestion, but no."

"I'll suck you off too!"

Medb, who was just walking into the foyer as Liz said that went wide-eyed, clamped a hand over her mouth, and ran back the way she came, snickering uncontrollably. And also getting the urge.

"Rrrright..." said the lab tech. "Now, as I was saying, Miss Báthory, err... I mean, Liz, I just need to ask: If Cú Chulainn didn't bring you back here... then where is he?"

Meanwhile in Canada (a.k.a. the unbearable self-insert gag):

Draconic sat at his computer, double-procrastinating. Specifically, he was avoiding work, while simultaneously avoiding writing one of the multiple fanfictions or original stories he was supposed to be working one while not doing said work. It was a weekday and he was the only person in the house.

"Yo!" came a voice out of quite literally nowhere.

"GYYeeeeEEE?!"

"Yes. I agree. Nice to meet you too."

"Sorry, I didn't realize anyone was home, you scared me half to— Wait a sec..." he knew that voice, but it most certainly didn't belong to anyone he lived with. "Okay, who are you and what the bitch are you doing in my home?"

"Okay, calm down. You're fine."

"Tell me who you are, and then I'll calm down," the fic writer growled. "Your voice is familiar..."

"Huh. Well, it should be. I'm your conscience."

"What?! Nice, very funny. I'll admit, I talk to the characters I'm working with in my head when I'm bored, but I don't actually hear them talk back. They also don't answer until I come up with a response for them."

Silence fell upon the mostly empty house, and Draconic wondered for a moment if he'd momentarily fallen asleep and just dreamed he'd heard a voice.

"You are one hell of a lonely, empty person aren't ya," it said, deadpan.

He still didn't rule out the possibility that he was still asleep and about to wake up now that he had realized it. But then he identified the voice.

"Oh, crap another one."

"Another what?"

"Fictitious character standing in my house. Being invisible. Actually the last one wasn't invisible, but—"

"Speaking of the last one, actually— wait what do you mean by fictitious?"

"For god's sake, just cut the crap, Lancer."

"Wait, how do you know that?" Cú Chulainn materialized in Draconic's office, no longer seeing any need to hide. "Oh, right, because... yeah..."

"This feels kind of inconsistent. You know that I created your current existence and at the same time, you don't. And going further down the rabbit hole, I somehow completely forgot you were coming."

"Look can you just tell me—"

"Please get out. Now. I like you fine, but as that is the case, you are not going to sound right if you keep talking to me."

"Are you talking about one thing or several?"

"Liz went home two days ago."

Lancer stiffened.

"Wait, what?!"

"Yeah."

"You're telling me... they sent me out here to a residential neighborhood in Canada of all places... so that I could get told a 'Your Princess Is In Another Castle' routine?"

"Yes. But in this case I don't think she's exactly your princess."

"Ugh, no, God forbid."

"Yeah, didn't think so. Now get out. Self-inserts are death."

"Yeah, there's no saving this one..." the spearman muttered to himself. Draconic would have retorted, but the man was leaving his home as requested.

"Don't come back, now?" he grinned with sarcastic overenthusiasm, waving ever-so-slightly. "And I don't even have to deal with any property damage. He's a decent guy."

He went back to his home office and actually started writing something.

[bhl88]

By the way, are these also applicable to the female protagonist?

[Draconic]

Any rules in particular that you were wondering about? That said, these aren’t so much for the protagonist so much as for any new ‘mundane’ staff Chaldea brings on after the world gets restored and could start hiring people again.