White Day Lemon Contest (2017) Voting and Judging

[SeiKeo]

that exposes me tho

[Dantalion]

More seriously, if you want to chuck in a red herring by voting for your own fic, it simply won't be counted as per Kirby's opening post on this thread.

[Rafflesiac]

I guess we don't have any problems with voting as a writer then right

ATONE FOR YOUR SINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[SpoonyViking]

It's Spoony Reviews Tonight, with our very special guest star, Kirby's White Day Lemon Contest Reviews, Part 2!

Dedication: Love (Addendum): After some more consideration, I do have a serious criticism for this fic: it didn't really fulfill the prompt. I mean, Archetype's participation can barely even be called voyeurism, really.

A Bumpy Ride: I'll be honest, I didn't expect much from this prompt. I was wrong. I was completely wrong. This was hilarious, which would have been more than enough in my book, but it was also quite sexy! I loved the implication that Sakura summoned Archer and is using him to cock block Rin / Shirou! I'll admit to drawing a blank on who is Illya's Servant, though; I mean, someone known to Astolfo who (presumably) fits the Berserker Class would be Orlando / Rolando, but the reference to "Romania" threw me off.

Black Onslaught III: It's erotic in spite of the subject matter, it's generally well-written (although I'd suggest just a bit more polish, and the title drop felt forced), and most of the characterisation is well-done (although I feel like you took the easy way out with Yukika). That said, I have to point out that just saying one of them dreamt about anal does not fulfill the "butt stuff" requirement for the prompt.

A Week With a Hungry Lioness And a Two-Faced Rich Girl: I think this may be the first time I've seen an epistolary fic, much less an epistolary lemon. It's a strange choice in that it restricts the writing style somewhat, but I do think it worked here. I only have two pieces of criticism to offer: Shirou's "voice" felt somewhat off at times - for instance, whenever he calls Arturia by "Arturia" instead of "Lancer", as he does "regular" Saber -, and it needed a bit of a stricter editing job. Oh, and perhaps there could have been more Rin? She seemed to not participate as much as she should have, considering the prompt.

[Bloble]

Black Onslaught III

The author was trying to be a smartass about it. The prompt only specified that one of the girls had to be into butt stuff, and not that said fetish had to be indulged. Same deal with Chivalry Before the Fumble: the prompt specified a genderbend but never disallowed another genderbend before the action.

One, however, was way more dickish than the other.

[Highwayman]

It wouldn’t be fair to the contestants for me to score these fics, since I don’t post here much anymore and haven’t really kept up with Type-Moon since 2013. But here are my thoughts on the prompts that interested me the most.

Boundary of Loneliness:

Spoiler:

There are aspects of this lemon that I greatly enjoy: Alphard and Shiki’s cute banter over breakfast; the way that Alphard’s regretful memories are always lurking under the surface, welling up after a word as simple as “sorry”; and the deftly written sex scene’s emphasis on emotion and sensation rather than lurid anatomical description.

But the contrast between Shiki’s sullen personality in the first few paragraphs and her strong sexual appetite in the sex scene is too jarring. Shiki’s characterization starts off consistent with the source material if a bit uninspired. The reader is told several times (too many?) that Shiki is irritable, frustrated, and sad; Shiki’s dialogue conveys the first two of those character traits well enough. Once the lovemaking starts, though, Shiki seems a bit out of character. Statements like “Shiki loved to tease Alphard” and Shiki’s “I want you to fuck me harder” make Ryougi seem uninhibited and assertive about matters of the flesh. I just don’t see it.

I also think that the purported basis for the pairing, the two women’s shared identity as killers, would actually be a turn-off for Shiki. Would Shiki, who in the source material finds solace in the peaceful and selfless Mikiya, really want a partner who suffers from her own flaws? On the other hand, the prompt did specify a short term fling, so perhaps I’m being too exacting.

I don’t want to end on a negative note, since yuri lemons are too rare. I’d like to read more of this author’s work, especially if Alphard makes another appearance.

The Resurrection

Spoiler:

I’m glad I’m not giving out scores, because how could I remain impartial about Touko x Ryougi?
Having gotten that disclaimer out of the way, here’s my take on why this lemon worked so well.

3rd person limited POV with Shiki as the main character was the right choice. Telling this story from Touko’s point of view might have been kinkier because of her new body’s heightened senses. However, Shiki’s crack pairings will fail to convince unless her motivation for getting intimate with someone other than Mikiya is credible. Shiki’s thoughts, delivered in a voice so wonderfully reminiscent of the KnK novels, make her unlikely tryst with Touko seem not merely plausible but inevitable. Shiki’s frustration at Mikiya’s absence, the restless boredom that results, and her mild dislike of Touko? Reasonable, in-character emotional responses to the situation at hand. Her participation in Touko’s test? Any distraction from that boredom and frustration would be acceptable at that point. Licking the blood off Touko’s hand? Teasing’s just deserts. And so the sublime chain of action and reaction goes on.

The concision of Touko’s dialogue also deserves praise. When writing Touko, I sometimes use abstruse concepts or word salad to make her sound convincing. But the author of this story is above such lazy tricks. The remark about Shiki’s cute panties is consistent with Touko’s habit of teasing people she likes, and it also heightens the eroticism of the scene by making Shiki and the reader wonder what else Touko has fantasized about. There is also a subtlety and ambiguity to her non-verbal communication. When Touko gazes into Shiki’s eyes, gently touches her cheek, and undresses her “like a child picking petals off a dandelion,” Touko seems oddly vulnerable and one is left to wonder just what exactly Shiki is to her. A plaything or something more?

Finally, I loved this insight into how Shiki feels about her mentor.

Shiki had never liked Touko especially, all the jerking about, the games she played, the way she could never shake the suspicion that Touko still thought of her as an experiment, a girl lying on a hospital bed to pick over and investigate: she was only a means to an end.

It’s risky to admit a pairing’s potential incompatibility in a lemon, but acknowledging Shiki’s misgivings about Touko makes the pairing more believable. It’s sort of like how listing areas of disagreement between the U.S. and China rather than evading them strengthened the Shanghai Communiqué.

[SpoonyViking]

The author was trying to be a smartass about it. The prompt only specified that one of the girls had to be into butt stuff, and not that said fetish had to be indulged. Same deal with Chivalry Before the Fumble: the prompt specified a genderbend but never disallowed another genderbend before the action.

One, however, was way more dickish than the other.

Perhaps, but I maintain both violated the spirit of their prompts. Well, the submitters of either prompt may disagree with me, of course. :-)

Now let's finish this!

To Create Happines: So short! Why so short? I don't even mind the finishing point, I just feel it was over too soon. Which is a testament to how good the fic was, really.

Boundary of Loneliness: Hm. Well, much like with the "DDD" fic earlier, I've never watched Canaan, so I had to Google Alphard's image for me to able to visualise her. Imagine my unpleasant surprise at the final twist, then. I also can't evaluate "Alphard" 's characterisation, but Shiki's seems alright; she is perhaps a bit too playful and eager in bed, but it's not something I can categorically state is out-of-character for her.
Other than that, I don't really have any serious criticism, and the only serious typo I noticed was "faithful day" instead of "fateful".

One Night at Fuyuki / Side B / Fairytale for King Cruel: Let me apologise in advance to all three writers since, due to the subject matter, I only skimmed the sex scenes. I did read everything else, though, so I will comment on that.
"One Night at Fuyuki" 's writing really needs some proper editing. I'd suggest paying more attention to commas, periods, and when to use both. Also, maybe it's just because I don't know the character too well, but Ko-Gil seems to be more like Gilgamesh proper than he should.
"Side B" is well-written, and I think you did a good job showing Shirou breaking under Beatrice's torture in a way he never would under Angelica's.
Of these three, "Fairytale for King Cruel" was my favourite. The descriptions, the sparse dialogue, everything was done very well. The premise seems far-fetched to me, but it is what the prompt asked for.

Cross-Path Domination: Ah, the classic juxtaposition between violence and sex! An exciting fighting scene followed by two exciting sex scenes! Very good, I really liked this one. That said, I have to admit my favourite part was the fighting, not the sex. Also, there were quite a few typoes. I don't usually like to comment on those, but here, thanks to the overall quality of the writing, they really stuck out.

Cerulean Ride Alternative: You know, in many ways, this was even funnier than the "main" fic, what with Arturia being deceived about the "battle potion", the Humpty Dumpty reference, the "leaking fountain of once-and-future delight", and so on and so forth. It's not as sexy as the other one, but I consider it equally good because of the comedy.

And that's it, for now! Next comes the actual voting! Then I'll check what other people said about my fic (if it's not obvious, it was "Passion Acknowledged"), especially since I have to give credit to someone else.

[Kirby]

One of our writers was an off-site anon, and he sent his votes over PM. Here they are.

[Siriel]

5: Cerulean Ride
4: Dedication : Love
3: A Bumpy Ride
2: Crisis of Faith
1: Untitled

[SpoonyViking]

Time to finally vote! This was hard, though, harder than I expected it would be - especially since I had a little devil on my shoulder saying "Vote for the ones who would make for a hotter drawing, not necessarily the best ones". :-P
Anyway, without further ado, here are my votes:

1st place: "Untitled"
2nd place: "A Bumpy Ride"
3rd place: "The Resurrection"
4th place: "Cerulean Ride"
5th place: "The Wise Men"

Many others deserved points, and I might have been unfair to "The Wise Men", but such is the nature of the beast, unfortunately.

[Dullahan]

5: The Resurrection
No comment necessary. You know what I think.
4: Black Onslaught III
Yukika alone guaranteed this score.
3: Boundary of Loneliness
You'll make Liang Qi jealous.
2: A Bumpy Ride
I didn't think this one would actually get written. Was expecting some more DEUS VULT. Pleasantly surprised regardless.
1: The Wise Men
For craft and atmosphere. Orientalist fantasy is underrated. It's a shame Blavatsky's such a shit character, but you have done exceptionally well all the same.

Hon. Mention to A Week With A Hungry Lioness(etc.) for Lartoria, who is Good

[Rafflesiac]

Time to finally vote! This was hard, though, harder than I expected it would be - especially since I had a little devil on my shoulder saying "Vote for the ones who would make for a hotter drawing, not necessarily the best ones". :-P
Anyway, without further ado, here are my votes:

1: "Untitled"
2: "A Bumpy Ride"
3: "The Resurrection"
4: "Cerulean Ride"
5: "The Wise Men"

Many others deserved points, and I might have been unfair to "The Wise Men", but such is the nature of the beast, unfortunately.

Are these placings or points?

[SpoonyViking]

Placings! Sorry for not being clearer. :-)

[Vacha]

Huh, I thought I couldn't decide. I did

Verdict

5 pts for Untitled
4 pts for A Bumpy Ride
3 pts for Side B
1 pts for Black Onslaught III cuz technicality, too funny to be left out.

[Kirby]

[Rafflesiac]

sore de ii

sore de ii no

[Kirby]

24 hours left to vote.

[Five_X]

aaaaahhhhh I'm not done yeeeeeet

[SeiKeo]

Cerulean Ride: I should like this, but, honestly, I think surfer Mordred is a bit too surfer. Maybe she actually talks like this in GO? God forbid, but it's too much for me.

Wise Men: your writers were so preoccupied with whether or not they could write a doujin perfectly that they didn't stop to think if they should

Chivalry: Honestly a bit janky, and like Raff said, could use polishing in style, but no blame for the result, really, since that prompt is pretty much impossible to approach anyway.

Crisis of Faith: Nothing surprising, but executed with care, and probably the most fun to read.

Passion Acknowledged: I don't like it personally, but it works well, with the major caveat that I'm not really sold on Shinji's come-to-Jesus in the effective space of a paragraph: I could have done with more. To be fair, if this were scoring out of a hundred everyone who got to do a GO fic probably would have deserved minus 10 just because Guda is too easy.

A Bumpy Ride: Unlike a number of other things here, it's good that this actually has writing and character that isn't porn, but... ironically, this doesn't need the porn either. The punchline happens beforehand, and then the lemon content seems superfluous.

Black Onslaught: Ew

To Create Happiness: I allow the fault being my own, since I've never read any of the material for either of these two, but it seems characterless.

Boundary of Loneliness: Similar to Passion Acknowledged, in that the pairing works but the work needed to support the pairing (and here, the implicit backstory) needs more fleshing out to strengthen the whole.



pt 5: Crisis of Faith
pt 4: Passion Acknowledged
pt 3: CROSS-PATH DOMINATION
pt 2: A Bumpy Ride
pt 1: Cerulean Ride

[Neir]

This is technically sockpuppeting. Ban Kirby