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Thread: White Day Lemon Contest (2017) Voting and Judging

  1. #1
    🔫 Kirby's Avatar
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    White Day Lemon Contest (2017) Voting and Judging

    OR: There's still no poll.

    A summary, pretty much same rules as last time:

    Any member of BL can vote and participate in judging, even if you didn't write anything. If you vote for your own fic (as in, the one you wrote), that vote won't count and will go wasted

    Each voter gets up to five votes, that works by ranking your top 5 fics. Your top fic gets 5 points, your second-place fic gets 4 points, your third-place gets 3 points, and so on. Of course, if you don't have a top 5, you don't have to vote for five fics. In the end, all the points are tallied up and whichever fic has the most points is the winner. To vote, post the votes and rankings in this thread.

    No, you don't have to read every single fic to vote. Obviously, given the nature of this contest, there will be content that simply won't appeal to you.

    Voting closes in about a week, March 24, 11:59 PM EST. You can also post your reviews in this thread.

    Another link to the fics
    Last edited by Kirby; March 19th, 2017 at 12:47 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dullahan View Post
    there aren't enough gun emojis in the thousandfold trichiliocosm for this shit


    Linger: Complete. August, 1995. I met him. A branch off Part 3. Mikiya keeps his promise to meet Azaka, and meets again with that mysterious girl he once found in the rain.
    Shinkai: Set in the Edo period. DHO-centric. As mysterious figures gather in the city, a young woman unearths the dark secrets of the Asakami family.
    The Dollkeeper: A Fate side-story. The memoirs of the last tuner of the Einzberns. A record of the end of a family.
    Overcount 2030: Extra x Notes. A girl with no memories is found by a nameless soldier, and wakes up to a world of war.

  2. #2
    el bolb Bloble's Avatar
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    Okay, have some reviews. No scores, no grades, just 150-ish words apiece of my thoughts on some of these fics. Keep in mind that most of them are amazing, so I had to do a bit of reaching to get in any criticism. There's also some self-reflection on the two I myself wrote. More to come soon.

    The Wise Men
    I wrote this one, if it's not already obvious, so instead of a review I'll just talk about how it turned out and why I did what I did. I don't know Blavatsky very well, nor did I know any of the other characters I could've chosen. This was picked of the three because it only required doing research on one person. The premise isn't actually my kind of thing; I normally go for fluffier stuff. There was the choice of either writing a depressing, dreary fic about a character's mind being broken down, or going full doujin logic and making it tongue-in-cheek ridiculous. It started off as more the first, but after writing the part where Blavatsky gets assaulted I realized I was sick of it and deliberately steered the story in a less serious direction. Otherwise, nothing was planned and I wrote by the seat of my pants.


    Fighting Words
    Okay, let's get the criticism out of the way first: You use passive voice a tad too much for my liking and every so often there's an odd grammatical choice that I'd have done differently. Rin being sarcastic during that one bit strikes me as slightly off, but I may have just forgotten the subtleties of her character. Criticism over, time to gush. Your Ayako/Rin dynamic works in a very understated way, in that their conversation feels exactly as it should: two old friends that have become comfortable around each other, reminiscing and finally progressing their relationship after ten-odd years of nothing changing. Rin is Rin and Ayako is Ayako, and it shows. The image that stuck with me most was the description of Ayako's back. You manage to avoid over-relying on cliche turns of phrase and as a result the whole dialogue feels fresh and familiar at the same time. Well done.


    Valkyrie's Pearly Tears
    The commas. Hand 'em over. These sentences go on too damn long and leave me metaphorically out of breath. It's fine to go overboard once in a while but you need to balance it properly or you get dense masses of words without a single place to rest. You do get a bit better later on, before getting even worse. The actual action has a strange clunkiness to it, though nothing nearly as bad as a certain other story. Wouldn't really call it purple prose, but it's heading along the same path. I still struggle to identify exactly what it is that turned me off to this story, because apart from the former criticisms there's nothing really wrong with it. Perhaps how predictable it is. The most notable thing I can remember is the bit where she spits on his tongue. Everything else melted into samey goop. I'm being mean, but you can take it.


    Chivalry Before the Fumble
    I'll say it again. Cheaters never prosper. Violating the letter of the prompt is bad enough, but violating the spirit is an altogether worse crime. This was meant to be a genderbend but you chickened out halfway through, and that's not okay. With that out of the way, I have some issues with the work itself as well. The tenses are inconsistent; you switch from past to present at the drop of the hat. The story itself is also fairly dry and uninspired, since you shortened the actual premise to a few paragraphs and fluffed out the rest with a generic sex scene. The characters might as well have been paper cutouts for all the life they were given. It feels like you had a checklist of tropes and made no effort to give it any flair beyond that, rushing quickly without stopping to smell the air. Functional, but dull.


    Crisis of Faith
    This fic is an example of how to colour inside the lines and still come out with something that feels fresh and creative. There's nothing unconventional about the premise; it's a straightforward romantic confession that segues into anal because anime nuns be anime. But the devil's in the details and in I was captured the second Martha stretched too far to try for a kiss. The rest is filled with a dozen such moments – from the Master having to look down to realize what's going on to when he yanks Martha's hair back – and they give life and spice to the story. It is a bit sappy, but it works. Feels like they go from love confession to sex a bit too fast, but considering how pent up Martha must be, the complaint is reduced to a nitpick yet again. Crisis averted!


    Black Onslaught III
    Okay, so I love this fic. It came from my prompt pool, but it took a mediocre prompt way farther than I'd ever imagined it could go. The writing may start off clunky, sure, but it carries itself with confidence and purpose and improves quickly, so that by the time we reach the good stuff the author has hit their stride. The strategic use of contrast was effective; the author didn't forget to play up the dynamic between the track girls as a way to preserve character where Berserker's was lacking. Yukika in particular was a standout, her cheerfully cliche lines and enthusiasm for being "mind-broken" contrasting sharply with the serious-faced Kane and soft Makidera, playing with audience expectations. Character is key, as they say, and Black Onslaught III had it in spades. The unpredictability and well-crafted payoff elevated this fic far above what its technical merit might have indicated.


    Side B
    This was the other fic I wrote. Doing a Miyuverse lemon was a treat, even if it was with these two bozos and not Kuro or Ko-Gil (damn you, One Night at Fuyuki!). Hard dom ain't my thing either, but it was fun to write. This one I had a few different plans for, one of which involved Angelica donning the Camilla Cass Card and busting out the whips and leather. In the end I decided to focus on Beatrice because unlike Angelica she actually has a personality, rotten as it might be. Since she loves Julian, there's only so much she'll do with Shirou. Even having her give him a blowjob felt like a bit of a stretch, but the story lacked climax so I added it onto the tail end. Side A starring Angelica might have been a thing, but now we'll never know.


    Fairy Tale for King Cruel
    This made me think of Kagetsu Tohya in more ways than one. It didn't attempt to imitate Nasu's style of narration like Untitled did, but it still captured the feeling of the work and the essence of Kishima Kouma's raw, animalistic character. I could imagine reading something much like this as one of the many side stories in KT, right next to Flowers of Thanatos. The actual scene was certainly violent, but even the violence reminded me of the way Nasu writes action in Tsukihime and KT: flesh tearing, anatomy pushed to the brink, and a seamless fusion of cold precision and bestial instinct, all building up to a sharp, effective climax. Len in particular plays a similar role to the one she had in KT: an enigmatic figure that appears without warning and nuzzles up to you, asking for something you don't quite understand. And implied NTR. Good show, you bastard.
    Last edited by Bloble; March 17th, 2017 at 02:17 AM.

  3. #3
    Don't @ me if your fanfic doesn't even have Shirou/Illya shipping k thnx ItsaRandomUsername's Avatar
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    Proper reviews still incoming, y'all, but for now, here we go:


    Votes:
    -------
    5 -The Wise Men
    4 - Untitled
    3- Black Onslaught III
    2 - Side B
    1 - Fairytale for King Cruel / A Bumpy Ride


    - - - Updated - - -

    Honorable Mentions:
    ---------------------
    Fighting Words
    Crisis of Faith
    The Resurrection


    - - - Updated - - -

    Job seriously well done to all who wrote. Plenty of good stuff in this contest. I have many favorites, but as to which ones I actually allotted what points to was so so SO hard. My top 5, frankly, all deserve the maximum allowed of 5 points, for different reasons that appealed to me.
    McJon01: We all know that the real reason Archer would lose to Rider is because the events of his own Holy Grail War left him with a particular weakness toward "older sister" types.
    My Fanfics. Read 'em. Or not.



  4. #4
    https://youtu.be/W3KYx1WDqBw Raylen Cypher's Avatar
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    Here be a review. Aside from this, Crisis of Faith was also another one that I really enjoyed. More lewd Saint is appreciated.

    A Week With A Hungry Lioness And A Two-Faced Rich Girl.
    [Where to begin... I wasn't expecting much, but to me the writer went above my expectations.

    First, it's uncommon/rare to see the Epistolary form of storytelling. The time-stamps added to the escalation of occasional to almost daily sexual activities. The single lines in few of the new entries made is hilarious. I will now chuckle everytime I read, "I had to clean the table again."

    And here's the genius of using this form, whether intentional or unintentional, it does three things for the content. One, it captures nearly (except the blank space before the end) all the moments that goes on that matter at the in-character's free discretion (because it's a journal). Two, because this is Shirou, it'll most likely be filled in between with cooking when not focusing on the sex. Whether you derive your pleasure from sex or food, you'll be getting something you enjoy. Adding on to that for a triple-dose opportunity of maximum endorphins' to your brain; the comedy from such a situation that I pointed out earlier.

    The technical writing is fine. I didn't see any mistakes and it stayed past-tense all the way through.

    Now for the stuff that left more to be desired... The pacing is brisk and could do with a little more lingering. It works when it came to those one-liners and opening/ending lines that made me laugh. But for the sexual tidbits, it should slow down. It's a journal so the intimate details won't be open to prying eyes (except us: the audience). While you did okay on the trio being 'madly and hopelessly in love,' you got enough of the 'mad' but the 'hopeless' came up short. When Shirou gets out of the hospital, the small body gestures at the beginning were nice enough to indicate they missed him. There should've been more of that. But that's more on me for not including an extra line in the prompt or just adding the WAFF tag along with the Vanilla.

    Still, I'm glad that you- whoever you are- wrote this. And I'm happy with the result and wish there were more especially towards the end. If you ever decide to continue, I'd be ecstatic. If not, then I hope I can continue where you left off. The Epistolary form would make it easy to produce content at a casual pace. And it's a form I'd like to try my hand at.]

    EDIT:

    5 Points to A Week With A Hungry Lioness And A Two-Faced Rich Girl.
    4 Points to Crisis of Faith.

    The latter would actually be higher because I have a fatal sweet tooth. Alas, I don't really fancy anal. Even though the former has it as well, it also makes up for it by being funny (and a definite point for all the homages to Artoria "Knowing how to please a man" LOL).
    Last edited by Raylen Cypher; March 18th, 2017 at 11:40 AM.
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  5. #5
    el bolb Bloble's Avatar
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    Some more reviews. I'll post my votes after I finish these up. If anyone wants me to elaborate more on a story, or is looking for detailed feedback, shoot me a PM or VM or just ask in the main thread.

    Cerulean Ride
    Gonna start with the bad stuff. Your prose is a bit sloppy. Partly as a deliberate decision, but also because the lack of polish here is clear to the eye, especially early on. How exactly does one stutter in a letter? Mordred doesn't use text-to-speech! But she does make a great surfer with how you've written her. She and by extension this whole story exude a giddy energy that kept me grinning from start to finish. First person is a smart aesthetic choice that smoothly contrasts Mordred's manic lines with the more restrained narrator. Lets you get away with layering on those dashes and exclamation marks, too. The first time I zoomed through Cerulean Ride I didn't realize how smartly written it actually is: straightforward, simple descriptions are layered between artsy words and turns of phrase that peak and flow like waves. In conclusion: F-Fuck you??? I mean, y-yeah, it was fun.


    The Resurrection
    Ah, the pleasure of seeing Touko/Ryougi by someone that actually knows what they're doing. Even when they're fucking it feels like an extension of all their previous interactions. Touko is still vaguely smug and knowledgeable, Shiki is still grouchy and prickly and not brightest, and their interplay is what drives the story forward. It's fortunate that this fic exists at the same time as Fighting Words because the compare-and-contrast highlights their similarities and differences, and not just because they both feature cool ladies lezzing out. The Resurrection is denser, quieter, but also, dare I say it, more colourful. Touko/Ryougi is inherently spicier than Ayako/Rin because of its volatility and the inequality inherent between teacher and student. This even translates to their actions in bed: neither could be mistaken for the other. Shiki is easily-bored and deceptively cool, Touko is practiced and clinical, and they're both great at making a scene together.


    Passion Acknowledged
    So here's the thing: Shirou and Shinji actually have chemistry. More chemistry than Rin and Ayako, even. The person that wrote this prompt knew that, and so did the person writing the story. It's not too long, nor is it too short, and it neither overstates nor understates what's going on in this council room. Some of the dialogue misses the mark and lands in the cliché pile, but most of it hits home as something that these two might say were they to end up screwing. I wish it could've been a bit more inspired, though. More like the end where Shinji gets angry about not finishing and less “Take me, Shirou.” Take a page out of Fighting Words' book and devote more time to the Shirou/Shinji dynamic, because it's a strong one. And don't be afraid to get flowery with the prose! This is good, but it can be good-er!


    Dedication: Love
    Never before have I been given the opportunity to say “Fuck the world.” and mean it. So that's that. I did like this one, mainly for how casually it handles the complete absurdity of the premise. You never make the mistake of using the fate of the planet as anything but a loose justification to focus on Ciel's constant embarrassment and/or horniness. The implied background relationship between the two characters was leveraged strongly here and it paid off because we know who these two are and what they think of each other. The story uses that to its advantage, padding out its 1700 words by hearkening back to previous works while stripping off all of its own unnecessary fluff. I'm reaching. Short story, short review. Ciel best girl. You did good, now do good more.


    A Week With A Hungry Lioness And A Two-Faced Rich Girl
    Rereading this fic only confirmed its status as a mixed bag. There's colour here, but at the same time a dreadful mundanity that robs it of spark. Either journal format doesn't work or you haven't figured out how to make it work, because there was very little eroticism to be found here. Clinical, blunt summations with little build up do not make for a stimulating experience. Don't just write “I fucked her in the ass”, describe it happening! I can see flashes of personality in a few sentences, but that personality is absent in the sex itself. Shirou referring to Arturia by her name is off; he'd call her Lancer if anything. But then, there's little life in these characters in the first place. You didn't write a story; you wrote a character from that story summing up his experiences. You also ran out of ideas at Thursday.


    Indoors Squirt Duel: a ‘Cerulean Ride’ Alternative
    Lighting doesn't strike twice, I'm afraid. This is clearly from the same lineage as Cerulean Ride, but somewhere along the way it didn't get the love and affection it deserved. Now we're stuck with a stunted sibling that has charm but compares unfavorably to its more well-adjusted predecessor. The rush here is even more clearly visible; there's much less meat on these bones, even if what's there is good. I can still see the same smart writing, the puns and allusions and witty euphemisms, but it needed a more work to truly shine. The “battle potion” bit was too long and slowed down the fic as a whole when you finally went overboard with dashes and stuttering. Despite its clumsiness this story did eventually catch me, even if it couldn't reel me in. Tune it up, clean it, feed it some red meat, and we've got a contender.

  6. #6
    el bolb Bloble's Avatar
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    The last reviews, followed by my votes.

    Untitled
    Confession: I have not actually read DDD past JtheE, so I won't be judging on accuracy to source material. With that said, Untitled is still an amazing short story. This is the sort of writing that latches onto the reader and sucks them in; it's dense but not overpowering, not a word is wasted, and the narration is distinctive enough to linger even after it's over. The image that Untitled creates in the mind is perhaps the most powerful of all the stories in this contest. I'd happily call it the best story here and put it in BL's top ten without a second thought. With this level of writing you could even consider publishing. But judged as a lemon… well, it's still good, but the sex is too submerged. In a lemon contest, that's not optimal. Please excel as a leader of society; your light is too bright to stay in this den of debauchery.


    A Bumpy Ride
    I love you. I'm biased. You're the best. This isn't being objective at all. Please have my babies. The strengths of this story are on paper very simple: it's ridiculously anime in all the right ways. From the fancy line breaks to the skill descriptions, this story disarms the reader and makes them vulnerable to the encroaching lewdness that slowly builds from the very start. It's no accident that Rin as the viewpoint character is driven to near-madness; the reader has no choice but to sympathize. The climax, too, is delivered with impeccable timing and swagger. This story will eventually give you what you want, but only after teasing you to the brink, and it's all the better for it. This simple, solid structure is supported by a deep understanding of what makes the Nasuverse and its characters tick. That knowledge is peppered throughout as the cherry on top of this cake. You did it. You got everything right. Omedetou!


    To Create Happiness
    So, time has cooled me slightly on this fic. After a second look it's really rather short and abrupt, clocking in at just over a thousand words. Dedication: Love managed to use its limited length much more skillfully, whereas here the action is over nearly as soon as it begins. There's just not that much to speak of. The character interaction is limited – the connection between Marie and d'Eon is there but nothing is done with it – and the sex is barely described. The only shining positive I can pin onto this story is its use of the environment: the crystal castle and the water are not forgotten. Much like many yuri stories, the style is more striking than the substance. Not bad, but too short and shallow to be good, especially in a contest that leaves us spoiled for choice.


    Boundary of Loneliness
    Earlier I praised this story but mentioned a small nitpick regarding Ryougi's characterization. Well, after picking at that nit for so long it's become an actual problem, though not a deal-breaking one. See, the action here is good. The sentence structure, the pacing, the seamless weaving of miniature flashbacks into the present day, all of that you pulled off without a hitch. But what this story failed to do is craft a believable relationship. Alphard and Shiki are similar beasts, and while the story does make note of that fact, nothing is done with it. I believe these two could have chemistry (or awkward non-chemistry!), but you didn't manage to sell it to me. The dialogue was fine, but the character was lacking. Ryougi wasn't very Ryougi. Alphard might have been impeccable, but I haven't seen Canaan. Look at The Resurrection. Re-read KnK. And add a dash more of Ryougi Shiki to crystallize this crazy concoction.


    One Night at Fuyuki
    Okay, it's time for a lesson on sentence structure. A comma splice is the use of a comma to join two independent clauses. Although acceptable in some languages and compulsory in others (e.g. Bulgarian or French), comma splices are usually considered style errors in English. Now that you know, please never write sentences like this ever again. The actual writing, splices aside, is not pretty to look at. You tell more than you show, and Ko-Gil is grossly out of character. Kuro is little more than a paper cutout. The impromptu lecture on Plato, while being very Nasu, was wholly unnecessary. The actual sex is practically glossed over and not in a good way. The ending comes suddenly and without warning. The beginning is the best part simply because it manages to carry an idea, but the moment Kuro and Ko-Gil meet is the moment common sense and this story both fall apart.


    CROSS-PATH DOMINATION
    Alright, pal, I see what you did, and I wholeheartedly approve. No reason to not have a kick-ass fight scene just because it's a lemon contest, especially not with this perfect pairing. Still, if you're gonna indulge, mind your manners. You're too good to be letting tense errors, redundant sentence fragments, and misspellings slip through your fingers like this. Those aside, what this story has in abundance is passion. Enhance and Lorelei are characters defined by the strength of their feelings and that strength is shown here on full display, driving their every move. They rub and clash against each other and the resulting friction lets CROSS-PATH DOMINATION blaze brighter than many of its contemporaries. It helps that the sex is very Nasu, with bounded fields and prana exchange rituals spicing things up. These two fuck like they fight. Is it theatrical, melodramatic, over-blown? Of course. Is it also supremely effective? Absolutely!


    As for my completely biased votes that in no way indicate objective quality and are instead based almost entirely on personal preference...

    5 points for A Bumpy Ride. I can't love it enough.
    4 points for Cerulean Ride. Riding all day, all night.
    3 points for Untitled. Only story to lose points for being too good.
    2 points for CROSS-PATH DOMINATION. Party got too crazy.
    1 point for Black Onslaught III. Berserker, you're strong.
    EDIT: Never mind! Last point goes to The Resurrection because my lack of interest in yuri can only go so far. And because Black Onslaught III cheaped out on the anal.

    Honorable mentions go to The Resurrection, Crisis of Faith, and Fairy Tale for King Cruel. Any of these could've gotten points. I might even feel differently about my picks in a few days, but that's how it is. Good show, people.
    Last edited by Bloble; March 18th, 2017 at 12:35 AM.

  7. #7
    fkn tryhard

    Aight, there was an attempt to factor in prompt execution and objective elements more than personal preference, though in the end personal preference is how porn works so how well that worked out is debateable.

    5 points for The Wise Men. Reasoning is in the other thread. Prompt masterfully executed. If it wins, I expect a full illustration.
    4 points for Cerulean Ride. I didn't expect much from a prompt about a dumb GO event but it surprised me pleasantly. Laughter is extremely welcome in porn, and a balance between the two hard to reach. Tan surfer dude Mordred a hilarious cute.
    3 points for CROSS-PATH DOMINATION. To temper bias, and also because some buzzkill reminded me that this is a lemon contest first and foremost. Thanks for the headcanon btw.
    2 points for The Resurrection. Technically accomplished, characters on point despite the yuri goggles, hella cute details from rather uncute characters. Not the most demanding prompt, but it was professionally executed.
    1 point for Crisis of Faith. Good old-fashioned waifu porn. Wholesome and Church-approved. Describing certain details in the action made it satisfying while being fairly simple.

    From other personal standouts, Black Onslaught was certainly enthusiastic, and it also has a vintage feel to it that recalls silly fanfics from a more innocent era of BL. Side B brought the tags but not the action. Rin and Ayako being quite a bit older than canon gave Fighting Words points for novelty, but that also worked against it in terms of characterisation. Fairytale for King Cruel, I think you've gotten a bit shafted (ow) by the challenge of combining WAFF and Len/Kouma, in the sense that you could very well pull it off and it still won't come off as that at all. Otherwise, quite atmospheric. The colours of KT are all over it.

    ps: i'm deeply sorry i still can't care about brynhildr

    edit: ayy lmao completely forgot about bumpy ride

    what's there to say but NICE MEME and sumanai it'd have fought for points had i remembered
    Last edited by Leftovers; March 18th, 2017 at 12:45 AM.

  8. #8
    Don't @ me if your fanfic doesn't even have Shirou/Illya shipping k thnx ItsaRandomUsername's Avatar
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    Proper(?) reviews for everyone.


    Cerulean Ride

    This one was one of the two fics I was obligated to do. Prompt 5.1 was the only prompt that appealed, so I went for it. More so than that, 5.1 was interesting because it basically contained a sub-pool all of its own, so I was spoiled for choice. I actually had a basic outline of who I'd want to do and how I'd do it if I got 5.1 BEFORE I was even assigned the pool, funny but true story. Thanks for the bizarre coincidence, Kirby.

    I dislike it when Fate/Grand Order's protagonist is referred to as Gudao/Gudako outside of casual discussion amongst the fanbase. It's fine as a nickname, but seeing it used as an actual name (or even as a stand-in) in fanfiction or translations is an immersion-breaking pet peeve of mine that I never want to enable. There are alternatives, so I did everything I could to anonymize the F/GO Master and not give a name whatsoever. On a whim I decided to keep with this theme of anonymity and ripped off took inspiration from the Suzumiya Haruhi style of narration, and in a first-person perspective and obfuscated spoken dialogue with internal narration.

    Summer Mordred is a surfer, so it makes sense to 'translate' her speech like that, for her to talk the talk. Additionally, she is the spitting image of someone I know IRL, so I ended up loosely basing Mordred on said person while working off of Summer Mordred's (shallow) characterization. Art imitates life, etc. etc.


    The Wise Men

    I honestly wasn't expecting the prompt with my favorite Grand Order Servant to get done. Looks like miracles can happen, after all. Raunchy, explicit, unapologetic, deft wordplay, rather comedic, even, and a possible????? origin story for Madame Blavatsky's past with tantric rituals AND her F/GO interpretation's India weeabooism. This story keeps on giving. Helena's point of view was both fun and engaging, and she was definitely as much a pulp heroine as she was a doujin heroine. Not only could I have comfortably read this character arc to its actual completion, but I could read this Helena--as she is portrayed here--in a variety of other theoretical scenarios. She'd be just at home in a swashbuckling adventure or a mind-bending murder mystery thriller as she was here in scandalous erotica.

    TL;DR her characterization was SOLID, and that was the glue that kept the story together so cohesively, even with its disparate elements and how it enabled the tonal shifts to be as organic as they ended up. Job incredibly well-done.


    Fighting Words

    Pleasant banter? Drawn-out sensual content that's closely in-tune with the emotional pulse of the story? Nice, nice. This one makes for a solid yuri entry, one that slightly edges out The Resurrection in some aspects but trails just behind it in others. Rin and Ayako being older than any significant amount of time we see them depicted as in canon means that the readers have to accept a slight shift in personality in comparison. Are this Rin and this Ayako believable as Rin and Ayako? Certainly enough, but it's still not as solid in characterization as it's proper rival girl-on-girl fic. There, Fighting Words wins out in erotica.


    Valkyrie's Pearly Tears

    I'll admit that I find Bryn super hot 'cuz I loves me some white-haired anime beauties. This is compounded by my kink for those of the psychotic persuasion, too. So I appreciate having this fic here, as an option. Though the prose does appeal, there are some T H I C C paragraphs here. Even so, the actual porn itself is decently steamy and distinct. It just happens to lose out to objectively superior options. Still good, certainly, but not cream of the comparative crop.


    Chivalry Before the Fumble

    Though you didn't stick with the genderbend all the way through, there was a titjob in here, so I can't go TOO hard on you. Fortunately, the good thing about there being room to improve is that there's room to improve!


    Crisis of Faith

    Ah, the classic porn trope of the naughty nun (well, saint, here) righteously taking it in the butt. And it's with St. Martha, too! Praise the Lord! This read was cute and delightful. I could argue that maybe it transitioned a little fast from the pure confession to getting frisky with the anointing oil, but whatever. It was still steamy and ended in a chocolate creampie with Martha getting worshipped and that's a good time in my book. Hallelujah!


    The Resurrection

    See: Fighting Word's review. In this case The Resurrection has superb characterization. Helped along by the wordcrafting of the author, Shiki and Touko are distinct and their personalites bounce off of each other well enough to keep this one entertaining all the way through.

    Read TR for the denser and more satisfying experience.
    Read FW for the prolonged instance of girls-just-wanna-have-fun.


    Passion Acknowledged

    Buttfuckin' into dicksuckin'! Bisexually wreck ya, Hector! A tale of give and take and acceptance culminated into a spicy moment in the student council room. Conceptually sound, executed sound -- With quality like this as seen in (at the time of writing this) both of BL's existing Shirou/Shinji lemons, please continue to lewd the wakame to all of your collective satisfactions.


    Untitled

    Entertainment value-wise, this is my favorite fanfic of the contest, by far. Arika's narration was a joy to read. The wordplay was deft. It oozed with atmosphere. It changed from mood to mood flawlessly. The dialogue was snappy and meaningful.

    The porn was minimal -- a spice to what should have been the main course. Still, it was good enough for me, and complimented everything else that came before, so it deserves top marks...for good reason this is, to me, second only to The Wise Men. Truly a bang up job to you, author.


    Dedication: Love

    Succinct, but it works. To ask for more would be greedy.


    A Bumpy Ride

    This is definitely the SECOND most entertaining of this contest's entries. I had a grin on my face for a solid 95% of the time. Astolfo and Rin have a charming rapport, in the gut-busting sense. The little details and the jokes and references really tied the fic together, and I'm thankful that there are so many instances of top/bottom switcheroo in this contest. Kudos to that finisher.


    Black Onslaught III

    This is probably tied with A Bumpy Ride for second of most entertaining of all the entries. Part bait-and-switch, part revenge tale, part GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER TOLD (Kane x Berserker OTP) this one had a lot of heart, and a lot to offer. Shame about the butt stuff, but whatever, you lawyered you way through it and I'll forgive it because everything else just made me smile and even aroused me a bit, too. Excellent work.


    A Week With A Hungry Lioness And A Two-Faced Rich Girl

    Some of the journal entries were better than others. Some of the wordplay had some proper zingers that made me quietly chuckle. Some of it was a little OOC, but then again, so was the entire concept around the prompt. Still, you made that work enough for the most part, and I'll forgive what there is for the sake of the goodies that are present.
    >TFW no railing office lady Lancer Artoria in her cubicle, or taking her pooper in the restroom, or something that possibility escalates into an office orgy
    ...Un-fucking-believable.


    To Create Happiness

    Succinct, but it works. To ask for more would be reasonable?????? Sure, Dedication: Love did what it did and it did it well in within it's allotted timeframe. Pretty typical of a fancy French restauraunt to serve such exquisite, expensive food and only give such a dinky portion that you're still hungry even when the garçon comes to deliver you the cheque.


    Boundary of Loneliness

    Shiki and Alphard come off as rather samey here, and that's a shame. More could have been done with this -- at this point they feel more akin to lesbian JAV pornstar cosplayers than characters that are distinguished fully as "Ryougi Shiki" and "Alphard Alshua." At least the erotica is sensual and has fine cadence to it, and the climax segues servicably into a cliffhanger rifing with mouthwatering potential, but if I want a good Shiki yuri lemon out of this contest then welp, back to The Resurrection.


    One Night at Fuyuki

    Someone somewhere said about this fic that they pretended that Ko-Gil was vanilla Gil while they were reading and it made the story more cohesive. After I read it, I can see why. Fairly clunky, and the characters are slightly off-characterized. STILL! With a premise this solid all hope is definitely not lost!With the erotica given room to breathe (it's already servicable as is, thankfully), attention to detail, and some PROPER dom-sub reversal this could be a thing of proper beauty. For now, it shall remain a lump of coal, halfway pressurized into becoming a shining diamond.


    Side B


    Great. Now I want Beatrice to bite me and I don't even particularly care for her all that much. More than that, now I've got a hankering to track down some more BDSM. Actual thanks, mate. Cheers.


    Fairytale for King Cruel

    This one feels like one of those fanfics that could pass for the real thing, as far as atmosphere goes. There's tasty verbiage to be found here, but it enhances rather than distracts, with each descriptor and turn of phrase serving to establish and compliment the current mood. It feels, if not necessarily reads exactly as, like a Kagetsu Tohya game over scene, and an erotic, ever so slightly netorare-flavored one, at that. Bonus points to it for having the least amount of spoken dialogue out of any of the entries! The actual naughty stuff - brief, but acceptable, and again serving to drive the feel of the story. You pass, and you deserve it.


    CROSS-PATH DOMINATION

    [Deadpan_Sarcasm]This was also mine. What a surprise. No one could have possibly seen this coming oh nooooo[/Deadpan_Sarcasm]

    The deadline approached and I had to start on this one relatively late, and with less of an established outline that Cerulean Ride had. Still -- "Write what you know." Picking this prompt was a no-brainer, for better or for worse. This is the third time I've now written an Enhance story, and--incidentally--for a fanfiction contest. Deja vu. I might as well write a full length story at this point, but eh. Maybe later. Maybe never. I digress. Mostly I was also pretty burnt out on /Grand Order stuff at the time, so that's another reason I went with 9.3 instead of 9.1. Actually, I'd like to maybe do 9.1 some time in the future, just to make the prompter happy.

    Aside from the beginning and the ending, this was largely ad-libbed. Also, I wanted to extend the erotica in both sequences, maybe have a round futa-on-male if it 'worked' in the story, but otherwise I'm pretty content with this and had a blast writing CPD. I'll try to write less Enhance fics the next time there's a contest ( now it's almost gotten to a point of ridiculous typecasting) but I promise nothing.


    Indoors Squirt Duel: a ‘Cerulean Ride’ Alternative

    I was bullied into making this at last minute. This wasn't actually supposed to exist. This partly explains why it's not as good as my other two entries, but that's mostly just an excuse. If you were able to get even a little bit of enjoyment out of this rush-job, or just really, really, really like Summer Saber, then thanks for that much.






    For now, onto bigger, brighter things. Hope to see the next contest be bigger and better than ever!

    Also, that's the last time I use my current beta. I have officially declared war on my typos.
    McJon01: We all know that the real reason Archer would lose to Rider is because the events of his own Holy Grail War left him with a particular weakness toward "older sister" types.
    My Fanfics. Read 'em. Or not.



  9. #9
    I'm bored Polly's Avatar
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    5 points to 'The Resurrection'
    4 points to 'Fighting Words'
    My attempts at being a (fanfic) writer:

    Eclipse - a Saber Alter oneshot
    Requiem for a Race - Altrouge and Ortenrosse hunt the TAs ( 1/3 chapters, discontinued )
    Memories of a King - a 'Saber Origins' story ( 8/? chapters, discontiuned )
    A Small Warmth - a post UBW-Good oneshot, Saber/Rin
    Devil's Thrill - Narbareck hunts down a DAA Blackmore ( 10/10 chapters, finished )
    Boundary of Loneliness - Ryougi Shiki/Alphard Al-Shua oneshot. Lemon-flavoured

  10. #10
    5 points to Boundary of Loneliness
    4 points to Fighting Words

  11. #11
    5 points to Fighting Words
    4 points to Boundary of Loneliness

    ok and 3 points to The Resurrection
    Last edited by Gl❀w; March 18th, 2017 at 12:42 PM.
    a compass by which to get lost

    a collection of facts and amusements




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  12. #12
    el bolb Bloble's Avatar
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    my girl the resurrection getting bullied hard smh

  13. #13
    I'm bored Polly's Avatar
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    I gave her all of my love tho?
    My attempts at being a (fanfic) writer:

    Eclipse - a Saber Alter oneshot
    Requiem for a Race - Altrouge and Ortenrosse hunt the TAs ( 1/3 chapters, discontinued )
    Memories of a King - a 'Saber Origins' story ( 8/? chapters, discontiuned )
    A Small Warmth - a post UBW-Good oneshot, Saber/Rin
    Devil's Thrill - Narbareck hunts down a DAA Blackmore ( 10/10 chapters, finished )
    Boundary of Loneliness - Ryougi Shiki/Alphard Al-Shua oneshot. Lemon-flavoured

  14. #14
    el bolb Bloble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Polly View Post
    I gave her all of my love tho?
    You're cool. Keep doing stuff.

  15. #15
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six SpoonyViking's Avatar
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    Some reviews before I actually vote:

    Cerulean Ride: I think I've mentioned this in the main thread, but sex is about emotions and sensations much more than just the mechanics, and when it comes to written erotica, the best way to achieve both of those things is by capturing the characters, which this fic did very well, I think; it's a fun and sexy ride with great characterisation. I have a slight nitpick in that I feel Mordred was too much the blushing virgin, but never to the point it detracted from the story, and I can't honestly say it's out-of-character for her. I also really liked the writing style, with the protagonist's thoughts and dialogue mixed with the narration; it reminded me of Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea. Overall, one of my favourite fics in this contest.

    The Wise Men: So, I'm torn. On the one hand, the subject matter really doesn't do anything for me, on the contrary; on the other, not only did it fulfill its stated goal perfectly, the writing is excellent. Also, I know very little about Blavatsky, but I liked the characterisation she had here, it was both engaging and consistent. Overall, while this was one of the least erotic fics in this contest, that was merely due to my personal preferences; I'd say it's one of the top 5 simply by how well-written it is.

    Fighting Words: Great interplay between the characters, and they both feel very true to their canon selves. I'd say this fic just needs a bit more careful editing. For instance:

    ‘Gladly.’ Rin’s hand went to her forehead to adjust the bridge of the glasses that weren’t there, but she stopped herself.
    ‘Most people I could pick up at the workplace would probably try to kill me in my sleep. So that’s not an option. And say I go out to a bar, which I’d never do because it’s trashy, but just imagine. Picking up someone you find attractive, taking them home into your bed, doing them. And then, in the middle of it, or before, or after, they say something stupid. And believe me, they always say something stupid.’
    That would have read better as:

    "Gladly." Rin’s hand went to her forehead to adjust the bridge of the glasses that weren’t there, but she stopped herself. "Most people I could pick up at the workplace would probably try to kill me in my sleep. So that’s not an option. And say I go out to a bar, which I’d never do because it’s trashy, but just imagine. Picking up someone you find attractive, taking them home into your bed, doing them. And then, in the middle of it, or before, or after, they say something stupid. And believe me, they always say something stupid."
    Then there are also some misplaced or missing commas, a few word choices, things like that. Small things, but which all add up to detracting from a more enjoyable reading experience. Still, this was also a good fic.

    Valkyrie's Pearly Tears: It's well-written, and I quite liked the bits about Siegfried "remembering" things from Sigurd, but I feel this was held back by the prompt. For one, I don't feel it's very heroic for Siegfried to love Brynhild under false pretenses (I think a much better justification would have been for Siegfried to "remember" Sigurd's love for Brynhild). Most importantly, though, Brynhild was a very one-note character. I haven't read "Fragments", maybe that's already how she was like in canon, but unfortunately, she wasn't particularly interesting to me because of that. So, well-written, but it lacked the emotional connections / character interplay I usually look for in erotica.

    Chivalry Before the Fumble: Hm. Well, aside from a few technical issues (too many simple sentences for my tastes), the sex itself was well-written. I just feel the story around it didn't add to it at all (Waver's genderbending was pointless, for instance), not to mention all the contrivances (why would Waver be forced to work as a maid just for being turned into a girl? Why would Saber be willing to have sex with him just for spilling hot coffee on his lap?). I feel the author was bound by a prompt they didn't really know how to work with.

    Crisis of Faith: Cute, romantic, sexy. Very good! Some of Gudao's banter felt a bit asshole-ish, though, especially considering how he goes from being genuinely worried about Martha breaking her vows to teasing her about going to Hell and lying to him about him being her first (likewise, it's odd that Martha goes from being shocked at actually acting on her feelings to maybe-possibly having done that before).

    The Resurrection: Very good! I really don't have much else to say, other than to praise the characterisation. A top-notch fic!

    Untitled: I've never read even a summary of "DDD", much less the actual novels, so I can't judge this story in that regard. Judging it on its own merit, though, this is a great story with funny and interesting characters, a mix of great comedy and great sex. If I may nitpick something which really didn't bother me at all, the story is more bondage than BDSM, but I reiterate that it really didn't bother me.

    ETA: Also, this story got me really hungry. Now I want a huge pile of meat! I'd have also eaten the tomatoes, though.

    Dedication: Love: A bit short, but well-written. I'd have liked to see Ciel's voice more, though, so that her interactions with Archetype felt a bit more alive.

    That's it for now, more to follow later.
    Last edited by SpoonyViking; March 22nd, 2017 at 06:01 AM.

  16. #16
    Don't @ me if your fanfic doesn't even have Shirou/Illya shipping k thnx ItsaRandomUsername's Avatar
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    ETA: Also, this story got me really hungry. Now I want a huge pile of meat! I'd have also eaten the tomatoes, though.
    Oh yeah. I forgot to also mention this in my review. Whew. This one and A Week With A Hungry Lioness and A Two-Faced Rich Girl gave me the munchies. Untitled moreso.
    McJon01: We all know that the real reason Archer would lose to Rider is because the events of his own Holy Grail War left him with a particular weakness toward "older sister" types.
    My Fanfics. Read 'em. Or not.



  17. #17
    Beats By Matthew ft. Dr. Para Rafflesiac's Avatar
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    5 points: Untitled - It makes me want to read DDD, and is a great story all on its own with a wonderfully amusing and engaging narration, capped off with a well-foreshadowed twist. The only hitch is that this is more of a story with a sex scene instead of a lemon, but I'm giving it top marks nonetheless. Good Job!

    4 points: Side B - Beako sugoi. The gradual escalation of the domination/humiliation, as well as Shirou's characterization and narration are highlights. It's the little quirks that really elevate this, from the extrapolations from canon material to the references to well-known screenshots. One thing that I will note though is that Shirou wouldn't call Miyu 'Miyu Edelfelt' because he's never heard of the Edelfelts before. Also it's a pity that there wasn't more Angelica, but Flash Lewdness helps remedy that. Here's to the eventual Side A!

    3 points: CROSS PATH DOMINATION - Nice spell chants, good fights, good banter, and then the passionate hatefucking. Good stuff all around, though Lorelei was a bit too blushy for me in the first part. Her Bounded Field making the prana recharge worthless was hilarious, though. Nobody quite writes Alolan Dante like you do, writer.

    2 points: The Resurrection - The back and forth between Shiki and Touko is a great dynamic, and ripe with their character. The care put into the different steps was a highlight, and is definitely something to aspire to.

    1 point: Black Onslaught III - Absolutely hilarious, especially the juxtaposition between Makidera and Himuro talking while Yukika goes full doujin heroine. Pity about the promptwriter's wish for anal, though.




    Others:
    Cerulean Ride: Pretty much perfect, its Summer Mordred is better than the original, and deftly balances comedy and lewdness. But try as I might, Swimsuit Mordred just doesn't appeal to me at all.

    The Wise Men: Great representation of the doujin aesthetic down to the eventual hilarious one-liners. Your characterization of Blavatsky is my headcanon.

    Valkyrie's Pearly Tears: Before reading this, I never realized that outside of her Runes or a lucky backstab Bryn has no way of damaging Siegfried. I find that extremely hilarious. I liked this quite a bit.

    Chivalry before the Fumble: The sentences are all around the same length with the same cadence, quickly ejecting me from the material itself. Also the genderbending was meaningless, which is disappointing.

    Crisis of Faith: Martha is good, the Gudao/Martha interplay was sweet and charming and the lemon was well-done. Good show all around!

    Passion Acknowledged: Good old gayfucking, at times hilarious and at others charming. I especially liked Shirou's rationale for accepting Shinji.

    Dedication: Love: Ciel debasing herself before Archetype as she's always wanted to was amusing and engaging. Fucking the floor is a fairly novel fetish as fetishes go.

    A Bumpy Ride: See my review of Side B in the main thread.

    A Week With A Hungry Lioness And A Two-Faced Rich Girl: The OOC narration knocked me out of this for a while, but there's quite a bit of variety in the scenarios, and the writer understands Lancer Artoria's appeal. Alas, they were not in fact brave enough to use Rhongomyniad as a dildo.

    To Create Happiness: Nice descriptions and fluffier than a cloud - but with the same amount of substance. Definitely needs the latter 2/3rds of the fic.

    Boundary of Loneliness: Too dour for me, and Shiki and Alphard blended together into one melancholy whole.

    One Night at Fuyuki: Did Ko-Gil track down some random Fuyuki residents and have them bone in front of him for Kuro to walk in on, or was that him and Illya, or what? It was very unclear. This fic needs some polish, but the baseline is there.

    Fairytale for King Cruel: Great imagery and metaphors, especially the blasted tree one. RIP Shiki though, getting chargrilled and then having his cat fucked.

    Indoors Squirt Duel: Amusing, though definitely not as polished as Cerulean Ride. The characterization of Summer Artoria, whether her idiocy innocence at more mature matters or her complete failure to be a suitable parent for Mordred, is top-notch.
    Last edited by Rafflesiac; March 18th, 2017 at 02:21 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    canon finish apo vol 3

  18. #18
    Preformance Pertension SeiKeo's Avatar
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    I guess we don't have any problems with voting as a writer then right
    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    That time they checked out that hot guy they were just admiring his watch, yeah?


  19. #19
    Alright, so far all I've read is really great stuff. Props to everyone that has submitted their works, you're all amazing.
    Unfortunately I can only give points to 5 of these...

    5 points to: Untitled
    4 points to: Cerulean Ride
    3 points to: The Wise Men
    2 points to: CROSS-PATH DOMINATION
    1 points to: Crisis of Faith
    Seibah is the greatest, excsicu...calibah!

  20. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by SeiKeo View Post
    I guess we don't have any problems with voting as a writer then right
    Just don't vote for your own fic, lest you incur the wrath of KIRBY

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