The Holy Grill War (Character Profiles and Appendix)

[Soldat der Trauer]

They had been fighting for hours, but it was almost over. Lancer and Assassin were doing battle with the two Casters at this point, leaving him with the task of defeating their master.

"Ha...Ha.."

His breathing was heavy.

The dark form of the grail lay floating in the air near their battleground, Illya's unconscious form hanging from it as if she'd just been crucified.

The sight pissed him off.

"Theo, before we end this... I want you to promise me something."

The great bear paused for a moment, then nodded, signaling his intent to listen.

"The winner saves Illya, alright? No matter what else happens?"

Another nod.

"Alright then, I just wanted to be sure. Thanks Theo," pressing a hand to his forehead he grinned, "Heh, it didn't have to end like this you know... You seemed like a nice person... For a bear anyway. But-"

He took a step forward-

"I have no intention of losing here," he smiled, "If I did both Sella and Lancer would be pissed, and I don't really need that kind of drama from my friends."

Airen raised his right arm-

And as if he was the eye of a storm, an light wind began to circulate around his form, growing stronger and more violent as he continued to suppress the air currents, the raging wind clawing at his limbs to gain it's freedom, leaving light cuts upon his jacket.

Alright then, let's end this!

He dashed forward, releasing the winds that bound him with a simple thought as his feet left the ground, propelling him towards Theo at speeds far beyond those gained from reinforcement. Simultaneously, he rebound the wind's chains to his right arm, wincing in pain as he compressed the air far more than he had ever done before, leaving deep crimson gashes in the skin.

It was painful but-

He knocked away the paw that came towards him with his right arm, sending Theo's glowing form staggering back!

As long as he remained the eye of the storm, he could continue to fight Theo like this...!

Ducking under Theo's preemptive counterstrike, he focused all the prana he had left in his right arm as he drew close to the bear, tightening the chains so much that he could feel parts of his muscles tearing away.

But damage would heal with time, all he had to do for now was deal with the pain...!

"Checkmate."

He only hit Theo once, but the discharge of wind and prana sent the bear flying backwards through the air at insane speeds, he crashed against the ground, once, twice, three times... Before hitting the wall... Where he remained motionless, the upper right portion of the bears chest, alongside his right arm, having been blown away in the strike.

"Sorry Theo."

Groaning, Airen knelt as he clutched his now useless right arm, stars swimming in front of his eyes as he struggled not to black out from the pain.

"Ha...ha...gah!"

It was a losing fight on his side. All his body wanted to do now was rest...

Onii-Chan.

...But she had called him something like that with such an innocent smile.

He had to save her.

Grimacing, he shut his eyes from the pain as he stood up. But when, after multiple deep breaths, he opened them again, his determined eyes had returned.

"Here I come Kotomine."

He had lost his right arm, but he still had his mystic code.

Question is, would it be enough?

---
-page 618

[Soldat der Trauer]

Fun fact: Merry actually ran into Theocrass the day before she summoned Berserker.

She was lost in the forest, and stumbled upon him while he was sleeping. Since Theo reminded her of a giant teddy bear, she couldn't resist the urge to go up to him and hug him while he was asleep.

...then he woke up. She was really excited too, since she could tell he was no ordinary bear and was probably magical, like the bears that could shoot beams of happiness and joy out of their stomachs! She wanted to ask him what kind of amazing bear he was but then something terrifying happened: Theo yawned. Really loudly, too. However, to Merry, it sounded like more of a roar - so she thought she made Theo mad and ran off before he could get angrier than her.

Even now, she regrets not staying long enough to apologize to him for hugging him without permission. Theo probably still hates her, too, for doing that. ;_;

---
-page 624

[Soldat der Trauer]

Saber, Dark, and Merry were all running towards Berserker. Of course, just because their destination was the same it didn't mean that they remained in one cohesive group; both men were able to run far faster than her and had gained a considerable lead over the maid. This should have been expected; Saber was a servant who had a head start to begin with and Dark, while he started later than Merry, was a trained magus in better physical condition than herself. Then there was the fact that Merry was running in a dress - not the best attire for running through the city.

Whatever the reason was, however, they were both easily a block ahead of her. So, steeling her resolve, she closed her eyes and focused only on running as fast as she could to catch up with them...this, however, would be a mistake. Apparently, you need your eyes to see where you were going, and with them closed it was only natural that she didn't see the boy who had suddenly appeared around the corner.

-CRASH-

The boy and the maid tumbled on the ground for a few moments, until eventually they came to a stop - with the maid lying on top of the boy. After the initial disorientation wore off, Merry realized the compromising position they were in, and immediately left off.

"I'm sorry-" an apology started to come, but it quickly stopped as soon as she took a better look at him.

Blood.

Blood was everywhere. On his shirt - and even his hair had dyed red, from all the blood that had surely come out from his head hitting the pavement. Though she could see that he was still breathing, he would probably die if he didn't get any treatment soon!

"W-what do I do?"

She looked around, hoping to see Saber and Dark - but they had already disappeared over a hill. There was nobody there to help her.

She could go and try to get help... but no, that would be a hit and run, wouldn't it? No - he might not even make it even then! She had no choice, but to use-

"Are you okay?" a voice asked, breaking her out of her train of thought.

Merry froze - and turned slowly to the boy. When she wasn't paying attention, he had stood back up, rubbing the back of his head.

"You," she said, pointing at him. "You should not stand! You do not want to aggravate such a grievous set of injuries!"

The boy blinked. "Grievous set of... it's just a bump on the head," he said, smiling at her. "Don't worry, I'm more concerned about-"

"Just a bump on the head?" Merry said with a gasp. "Your hair is red from all the blood! I have never even heard of such a serious case where the hair changed color, but-"

The boy held up a hand, interrupting Merry. "That's just my natural hair color. Really, it's just a bump."

"Oh," Merry said. She supposed that did make more sense, but... "But what about your shirt?" Merry asked, her eyes trailing down to his chest. "It's covered in blood!"

"...oh that," Shirou said. "I think... this has something to do with it," he said, holding up a rather flattened half eaten taiyaki. "I believe this is yours."

"Oh," Merry said with a blush.

"Don't worry," the boy said, patting Merry on the head. "It's not bad. Just a bump on the head, and maybe a few scrapes here and there. It's nothing to worry about at all. The more important thing is if you're okay?"

"Yes," Merry said, nodding her head. "I am fine. Thank you for your concern."

"Just be sure to run with your eyes open, okay? I don't know what's so important - but you won't get there by crashing into people like me."

"Ah... of course," Merry said with a blush. To think that she would need advice from an ordinary civilian. "Is there any way I can repay you...?"

"Shirou. And don't worry, just don't let it happen again," he said, with a smile.

"I - I will be sure not to!"

"Good girl."

"I am Merry," the maid said with a smile, before curtsying. "It was a pleasure meeting you, Shirou." Even if their initial greeting was a little painful.

With that, they parted ways, never to meet each other again...

Probably.

XXX

Merry had finally caught up to Dark and Saber, though it was Berserker who spotted her first. "Merry!" her servant said, running up to no doubt capture her in a hug.

She stopped a few steps short of Merry, though, gasping as she caught a better look at her Master. "Merry, you're covered in blood!"

Merry blinked, looking down at herself. It seemed that some of the taiyaki had smeared on her clothes as well. "Ah, don't worry," Merry said, waving her hand. "It's nothin-"

"Who did this? Was it Dark? Or maybe Saber, that maid fetishist! He couldn't resist to molest you while I was away, didn't he?!"

"...I'm telling you, it's nothing," Merry said, trying to speak louder - though Berserker's hysterics still drowned her out.

"That's it, Saber! Dark! I don't care if it's any one of you, only I get to assault Merry!"

"Hey, hold on," the knight said, holding up his hands. "I did nothing of the sort! Tell her, Master!"

Dark shrugged. "If she wants a fight, just beat her."

"Master!"

"Die, Saber!"

BAD END

---
-page 643

[Soldat der Trauer]

GATES OF BEARLAND! *Bears fly out of a golden portal, traveling at insane speeds as they rocket towards the other forumites.*

*Lancer catches two bears and uses them to deflect the other oncoming bears*

Wh-What?! ONORE!

*Lancer hops on an F15*

A golden mountain leaves the portal, and the bear jumps atop a craggy throne at its peak. It hurtles through the air, flying straight for the F15-!

(Why yes, it the size of Mount Everest!)

*Lancer throws his spear at the bear and completely obliterates the bear and the mountain*

Assassin makes his way to the top of the golden mountain (yes, he really can be that fast when he has to), and takes a position beneath the soaring F-15. From the confiness of his cloak, Longinus [Black Barrel] is removed. As the mountain explodes, the momentum is used in conjunction w/ several Reinforced cables, allowing for protective passage w/ the scattered and airborne rubble. Assassin takes aim, and fires upon the jet fighter repeatedly from within its blind spot.

*Lancer jumps out of the plane before the shots can hit*
*He then lands on the ground and unsheathes his sword*

The smoke clears, and it reveals the Bear clad in scorched, golden armor. He withdraws a golden bee hive from the portal, clearly furious, and swings it towards Lancer. Then the world asplodes.

Assassin notices Lancer escape, but is too busy trying to put as much debris b/t himself and the multiple explosions to correct this. Realizing Longinus' current form won't cut it, he super-imposes the conceptual blueprints of dual Velvet Nightmares over the rifle, taking care to keep the original's conceptual weapon properties. "[Sonic Drive]". The Servant streaks downwards w/ renewed speed, taking care to remain under cover all the while.

*Lancer manages to dodge the attack thanks to his prana burst*
"It looks like I'll have to use it."
*The sword in Lancer's hand started to glow with a bright light*
"#$^% $#%$#@%$%"
*With one upward swing the entire area was obliterated in a giant pillar of energy*

Assassin "saw" the target begin to unleash their attack. He knew he would die if he faced it head on. Luckily, he still had options. A series of simultaneous calculations confirmed his guess.

As the energy blast swept across the region, even going so far as to extend into the airborne debris field, an imperceptible blur launched out even faster from behind a long, angled stretch of scorched gold. Assassin was going too fast to be tracked by a second attack; he had used that last piece of rubble as a make-shift runway from which to catapult. As he soared in a wide arc toward a seemingly still-motion Lancer, Assassin's arms blurred in front and fired a continuous stream of bullets. He appeared as no more than a dark-winged angel from Hell, come bearing gifts of enchanted steel.

Assassin's enhanced vision and accelerated brain took note that Lancer had both dodged the oncoming barrage and was readying a counterattack of his own. Their shattered and flattened tracers remained embedded all around by Lancer's prone form. The rapidly descending Servant knew that he was currently in a compromised position: there was seemingly no way for him to even attempt dodging while still midair.

Seemingly.

Luckily for Assassin, he'd been trained long ago to not be caught so easily. A mistake? No, even Lancer's response had been accounted for. The image of an angel seemed fitting, for the shadowy Servant's billowing cloak suddenly straightened and compressed, forming black wings akin to a crow's. Though still w/ the appearance as though made of fabric, they were in actuality empowered w/ the strength and durability of enchanted steel, but suffered from none of the issues of weight. They curled around Assassin's body, sheathing him from Lancer's sight. At the same time, the leading face and edges shifted into a single tapered point; the interlocking wings now had become a shield that continued rocketing toward their wielder's target from 13 meters away.

Lancer watched as Assassin managed to sprout wings, sort of like an angel. Or more like a devil with his looks.
"I wouldn't get to close if I were you." He said in a threatening tone as hefted the spear onto his shoulder.
Each second that went by the spear glowed brighter and brighter. After a few second it appeared as if it was made of red and white energy.

'Do your worst.' Actual speech would not have been able to carry to Lancer, not at the speed Assassin was traveling, yet still the former felt those words resound deep in his skull.

'*SIGH* When will they learn?'
Lancer stood in the same spot, waiting for Assassin to get close enough to strike him down.

The shield-missile continued unobstructed, and even now had just passed the 3 meter mark-

2 meters-

Lancer's proud form stood resolute as he patiently waited for his enemy. What a sight he must have made, standing so amongst a heap of slagged rock and glimmering pieces of metal.

Only a meter and a half left!

Peering only part way over the lip of the shield, Assassin's upper body snapped out and fired. The reason for the delay: he had been using the trip to overcharge this last salvo of 13 bullets, encasing them all in protective sheaths of prana that would heighten their speed and penetrative potential.

This would be the last salvo heard from the scarred battlefield.

'Just a little bit more...'
Lancer was prepared to attack as soon as Assassin was within 2 meters of where he stood.
Assassin was finally within distance.
"Should have listened to me."
As soon as Lancer finished his sentence he jumped into the air at an absurd speed to avoid Assassin. He flew 400 feet into the sky in under a second.
"It ends here!"
The spear in Lancer's hand glowed much more fiercely than before.
Lancer then launched the spear from his hand, it flew towards Assassin at such a high speed that it couldn't even be seen, but it definitely could be heard as it shattered the sound barrier like glass.

Even as the shield was utterly sundered, Assassin knew no fear. Perhaps that had to do w/ his not even having been behind it since Lancer had finally activated the spear. The false image of the Servant of Subterfuge shattered as though made of brittle glass.

That had been the opposing Servant's undoing: the charged lance's fierce glow had blinded it's master's vision once released. True, it had only been for a millisecond or two, but that had been all Assassin needed. Where other Servants dominated the field through sheer physical ability or immensely valuable NP, Assassin's mind knew few rivals who could match the speed and complexity of its thoughts. Or, hell, the crafty insanity buried within.

Who would have known that the spent bullets beneath Lancer were still carrying in their forms potent enchantments beyond the sentence of death? Even as Lancer blinded himself, their metallic shells had crumpled in the face of the discharged weapon's passing. What remained behind, firmly embedded in the ground, were several shards of crystal, all suddenly flashing just after Lancer's NP was thrown. At that precise instant, a sealing spell had activated, freezing Lancer in place. True, his class' Magic Resistance ability should have preserved his mobility, but...that is assuming he himself was the target in the first place.

Rather, Assassin's spell had targeted the very concept of "space" around Lancer's body. Several thick bundles of narrow, barbed, rectangular chain lashed out from the magic circle to wrap around Lancer's neck, shoulders, arms, fingers and legs, pulling the knight to his knees. The air's atoms froze in place, the dust remained where it was in defiance of gravity and several other rules of both physics and nature. Most of all, the backwash of prana w/i the field remained in its present state; w/o being re-dispersed in the atmosphere, it could not recycle back into mana to be drawn in and converted by Lancer for energy. Though it couldn't last more than a few seconds due to the output, the spell's force was of such magnitude that even Lancer's internal od would have been of little avail in breaking free. No, it would be more correct to say that that was the point of the spell; Lancer would only be able to Prana Burst enough to shatter the spell's physical bindings, but not actually escape.

Why? B/c, for one thing, Lancer was currently pinned underfoot in a crater indenting the ground almost 3 meters deep. At the same time the modified [Struggle Bind Extended] had been activated using the shot crystal cores, Assassin had used the runic inscriptions on the scattered peels of the metal casings to "transfer" some feet above the spell field's upper reaches. As the "transfer" was not true teleportation, Assassin kept his otherwordly momentum. How nice that he had happened to re-materialize w/ his feet soles facing Lancer. Blind and shackled, Lancer could not even try to move aside to avoid being Assassin's landing cushion. Assassin's boot spikes impacted Lancer's throat and heart at nearly the same time, the knight's armor being avoided completely. Lancer's entire upper body snapped backwards in an unnatural angle, a loud snapping sound booming through the sky.

That had not been the sound of crushed bone, but rather of the immense kinetic impact being absorbed and morbidly muffled by the knight's body as it forcibly dug through hardened rock. Another intersting side-effect of the binding spell: the super-heated stone, in conjunction w/ the sudden freezing of the air itself, resulted in the earth solidifying instantaneously into extremely dense matter. The slighter *dings* resounding in the wake of the initial sonic boom was the sound of Lancer's armor warping and shattering into minuscule pieces, the jagged edges being caught underneath their owner's torn body and ripping yet newer and deeper wounds reaching the internal organs.

Then came the sounds of Lancer's core bones being pulverized into splinters.

But even all this was not the end. Even as Assassin touched down on the Knight, even as he weathered the diminished impulse from their collision and subsequent attempt at being an improvised drill, his hands clutched dual rune knives, each brimming w/ stored energy. These were briskly plunged into Lancer's thighs, at the seams where the lower torso and upper leg armor plates did not meet. Assassin plunged them deep, until only the bottom of their hilts could be seen. And then-

"SHATTERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!"

-the end finally came for Lancer. Like it had been noted, a single Prana Burst would not have helped break through the field. Thankfully, Assassin had seen fit to install miniature warheads w/i his chosen weapons; the stored energy merely triggered them. The two enchanted blades were within Lancer's body, and at their master's command, detonated violently, their forces being directed in the direction of Lancer's head and shoulders. All of the knight's innards were rendered into torn mush, and not a second later, his entire upper body, extending to just beneath his lower jaw, exploded outwards before he faded back into the ether.

Assassin had already cleared the blast site, and remained crouched, his back to the resulting inferno behind. He was not trying to look badass, b/c he was already. No, he just needed to catch his breath and brace from the emanating shockwave.

This was something the other Servant classes failed to grasp, to bother even trying to conceive. They were all specially optimized for particular roles and aspects of combat, to be able to trade and take blows. But Assassins...

"...Mission...accomplished...."

Assassins were meant only for the singular act of killing.
And they were quite good at their job.

____________
Interlude Out

LANCER BAD END

----
-pages 650 - 653

[Soldat der Trauer]

_________________________________________

Hero, or as he was currently known as, Servant Archer sighed as he fell on to the bench. "Stupid Grail War," he grumbled. "Why are all the Servants so damn strong?! AND WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE PROTECTION FROM ARROWS?!"

"Because God hates you," Lancer answered smugly. "Now go into your corner and cry your pathetic tears."

"I'll show you... stats aren't everything! As long as I have wisdom and tactics, I'll beat you all!" Archer declared. "Just watch!"

Lancer laughed...

and laughed and laughed.

_______________________________________

"Lancer!" he yelled. "It's about time I show you my true power!" Archer readied his bow, aimed, and fired.

"An arrow? I thought we already tried this?" Lancer looked disinterested. The arrow hit the ground right before Lancer's feet. "Damn, even you're accuracy is low!" He laughed again.

"Wait, I'm not finished Lancer. Your overconfidence will be the death of you. That arrow is rigged to blow up, the explosion will be strong enough to destroy a Servant. Goodbye Lancer," Archer grinned as the arrow went off. "I told you Lancer! Who's the weakest Servant now?!"

"You are, idiot."

There, standing in the middle of a crater was Lancer, with barely a scratch on him. "A ranked Endurance, bitch. Now let's see how well you do against my Noble Phantasm! BEAM SWORD!"

"Oh... crap. WITH MY LAST BREATH, I BLAME OVERPOWERED SERVANTS!"
***
And then, from the smoldering crater on the ground which extended for miles, a motorcycle burst out. Even without its rider, it endeavored to accomplish what it was made to do. Dashing at infernal speeds, the motorcycle ripped apart time and space, compressed or not (FUCK YOUR VECTOR TRAP ASSASSIN) and impacted against Lancer, detonating in a space-rending explosion which left no survivors on a three mile-wide radius.
***
Staring at the debris through a high-powered pair of binoculars from his place in a nearby helicopter, Airen grinned, pulled out his cell phone, and scrolling down the list, and called Wizard Marshal Zelretch.

Only two words were necessary.

"Mission Accomplished."

THE POWER OF MOTORCYCLES - NORMAL END
____________
Even as Lancer's Master gloated at a successful coup over Servant Archer, he failed to notice that another presence had manage to board the helicopter earlier. No doubt he was quite surprised when his seat shifted. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that the section of floor that Airen's seat, the one he was strapped quite securely to via safety restraints, was bolted onto suddenly and inexplicably gave way.

You see, Servant Assassin had latched onto the outer surface of the helicopter's undercarriage and proceeded to cut out a nice neat oval. Incidentally, it happened to be right where Airen was located. Oh well. And so after finishing his phone call, Airen could not even register what had just happened until he felt the whiplash of the aircraft's whirling rotors yanking roughly at his hair and face. As he was a wind elementalist, he might have been able to cut his restraints off in time to try casting some sort of levitation spell, or at least a cushion. Instead, he wasn't even allowed a full second to try anything as a nano-thin monofilament wire grappled around his neck and snapped his spine when the minuscule slack gave out. Actually, it was more like Airen had been decapitated, but those sorts of things happen when your own momentum is instantly halted and overcome by a passing helicopter.

Assassin kept watch as the headless Master's corpse crashed into a car way down below, turning into a bloody pulp as the safety belts also cut the torso region into soggy chunks. Needless to say, the damage done to the car was in itself extensive. Why, it ended up exploding erupting into a fireball. Not bad going for a target of opportunity taken at a whim.

And as for Assassin? Well, he wasn't staying anywhere near that helicopter anymore. Just to play it safe.
______________________________
The Power of Motorcycles - True End
***
"Hey thanks Zel, yeah, I made sure the grail was destroyed," Airen frowned, glancing at the faded command spells on his hand, "But it looks like my Servant was killed by the bomb as well."

...Damn it Lancer, now I have to explain to Leys what happened to you.

It was at this time that Zelretch made an interesting comment in the form of "I'm tired of seeing you die, Assassin's on your helicopter."

His circuits opened as soon as he managed to comprehend the warning, his body's natural response to danger compressing the air around him into razor blades as his chair descended suddenly through an oval shaped hole in the floor. The raging winds cut the wire that Assassin attempted to kill him with, and Airen locked eyes with the killer as he descended, rapidly channeling his power into cutting his restraints. The chair beneath him fell away, the restraints having finally lost their grip on him, but he still allowed himself to fall, though at a much slower pace.

The recent destruction of the grail had spread a lot of mana throughout the city, much more than what the natural order allowed. If left alone, Gaia would simply reabsorb the excess energy into itself.

But he had no intention of letting that happen. If the power was there, then he was going to use it to defend himself.

Many people say that a magus is a faucet through which magical energy pours. A faucet can only be so big, correct? So no matter how hard you turn the dials, how long you leave it on full blast, there is still no way to get any amount out that exceeds your maximum.

...But what if you put something over the faucet, like say... a balloon, or in this case, his Mystic Code. The 'water' will escape the faucet but be trapped by the balloon, which will just steadily get bigger and bigger...

Until it pops, releasing a burst of water the faucet does not generally allow. Still, as a magus, he only has so much of this metaphorical 'water,' but that is solved by linking himself to a 'lake' or a large 'water' source, and running that 'water' through himself and into the 'balloon.'

In this scenario, his lake, would be the mana-drenched city itself.

Sure it would probably be incredibly painful, but-

"Mana Set-"

Starting the process with his own prana, he funneled the foreign mana through himself and into the gun. In these optimal conditions, an effect similar to the fighting style of the fifth sorcerer could be realized...!

Assassin was coming after him now, and he released the magic that was slowing his fall, plummeting as a means of escape from the killer.

Even falling he was still able to level the gun, putting Assassin in it's sights.

"Trigger."

The people in the city didn't see much of what happened that day, but there was talk of a helicopter exploding in midair, accompanied by a blue light of unknown origin or meaning.

Even to Assassin, the meaning of that light wasn't very clear, but he would now have plenty of time to ponder it in the Throne of Heroes.

Who said a Master couldn't kill a Servant?

The Power of Motorcycles - True Zelretch Ending

---
-page 662-663, 667

[Soldat der Trauer]

Airen's Despair - The Steadily Emptying Wallet

"Man Lancer, how can you eat so much food, you're a freaking spirit!"

Airen grumbled various phrasings of this particular sentence as he made flipped through the resturants menu, seated at a table alongside the casually dressed Servant members of his alliance, each item he bought placing an almost physical weight on his already unbalanced bank account.

"I apologize. If you do not wish me to eat at meals than I shall not."

...A slight amount of guilt.

Airen sighed, "No it's fine, I don't mind paying for my own Servant's meals, BUT-" he turned to glare at Assassin and Breaker, "WHY AM I PAYING FOR YOU TWO?!"

"Because I know where you sleep."

... Assassin always had been a convincing person, so convincing in fact, that Breaker didn't even need to defend herself from his question, but she did anyway.

"Because I think you're a nice guy."

"You tried to kill me when we first met!"

"You're still alive though," she smiled, "That's proof enough that I think you're nice!"

...Well that sounded kinda ominous.

"I may be mistaken, but you all appear to be threatening my Master for food," Lancer said with a deceptively feminine smile, "That wouldn't be the case would it?"

"Maybe."

Assassin again, that man was too brave for his own good.

To the despair of both Airen and his wallet, (due to possibly having to pay property damages) things looked like they were on the verge of violence, Lancer's hand was twitching, as if he was indecisive about whether or not to smite his ally, and Assassin was standing with that cold look he got whenever a battle approached...

"Wait, no fighting! There are still people around!"

This honestly hadn't been his best plan, neither Enigmatic nor Satehi were here to keep their servants in-line.

It was all up to him.

"Calm down Lancer, Assassin wasn't being serious about planning to assassinate me. Right Assassin? Right?"

He needed to know. They were using Enigmatic's base as their own temporary one at this point in time, so if shit was gonna hit the fan sometime in the near future, he needed to start planning for it as soon as he got back.

...He honestly should have been planning for it already.

The black clad servant laughed a bit at the serious, but hopeful look on Airen's face, before he locked eyes with Airen, and in his usual serious voice said, "No promises."

If it was possible to see images of another world, Airen may have had a vision of a world where he was assassinated in a helicopter by this particular Servant.

Unfortunately, he had no powers of the sort. But since he ended up being bros with Assassin in this timeline, it was a moot point.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Of Bears and Baskets

There are many things in life that can be considered odd, but for the mages present in Fuyuki for the Grail War there was nothing quite as odd as this. The Master of the two Casters, Theo, was sprinting across the bridge to Shinto, a picnic basket held in his massive paws. To the normal residents of the city, this only looked weird because well; to them a random person had just come up and stolen a picnic basket from a young couple that were uh...Busy... In the bushes next to their picnic grounds.

Of course along with this questionable place for the horizontal tango, this also raised the question of WHY exactly they were having a picnic during the winter in the first place.

Well you better get used to those questions, because they are not going to be answered.

To get back to our non-canon story, Airen and Assassin watched, amused from the roof of a skyscraper as Theo evaded what appeared to be the police. They could see through the spell that made everyone else think Theo was a human, and were shaking their heads at this unbelievable fulfillment of a stereotype.

"Is he serious?" Asked Airen as Theo somehow leaped over an oncoming car, and into an alley.

"Yes, I think he is," Assassin said with a grin as he looked over the edge down into the alleyway, "He knocked a police cruiser aside on the way here."

"...Think he'll make it inside?"

"Unfortunately for him, my Master has sealed all the entrances to this building. So no, he's not going to make it."

And as it turns out, Assassin was right.

----

"Wait officer you've got this all wrong, this is my picnic basket I swear!"

"Tell it to the judge punk!"

THEOCRASS: BAD END

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-page 677

[Soldat der Trauer]

Stealing?! How awful of you Theo!" Merry wagged her finger.

"You got it all wrong, Merry. It's not because he stole the picnic basket," Berserker shook her head.

"Eh? B-but stealing is a crime!"

"The real problem is that you didn't gain Enigmatic's trust! Those paranoid types are a tough crowd to please."

"Stealing and not being nice to your friends? Maybe I misjudged you Theo...."

"Don't worry Merry! I'll take his place!"

The curtains closed obscuring Berserker and Merry.

"Eh? Berserker? What are you doing...? Not there! NOOOOOOOO!"

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[Soldat der Trauer]

"Get a part time job, Sella said," Dark grumbled, as he continued to wash dishes. "Pay for your own damn food, Sella said. Don't use any of the Einzbern money for your sick and twisted perverted lolicon purposes...

"Well, look where the hell we are now!"

"It is not so bad," Merry said, trying to give her fellow Master a reassuring smile. "After all, we did find the enemy on our shift. You could even say it was a miracle!"

"What miracle?!" Dark yelled, throwing up a plate in the air in his exasperation. "The fact that there is an enemy master, along with three servants waiting just on the other side of the door?"

"Yes," Merry answered - as she scrambled to catch the plate. Like a pitcher trying to catch a fly ball, she looked up at the flying dish - hands outstretched to catch it... only to see the plate fall somewhere behind her, smashing into a dozen pieces. Merry, not the least discouraged by this failure, only went to get a broom and dustpan.

"Look at it this way, we know where they are, Mister Dark," Merry offered, trying to find the silver lining in this cloud. "Sure, we cannot do anything now, but we can come up with a plan as we wait for our servants to arrive."

"What plan?" Dark asked, crossing his arms. "There's three of them! They outnumber our servants three to two!"

"I believe in Berserker and Saber!" Merry said, pumping a fist in the air... before returning to sweeping up the mess on the floor. "If we manage to take one out in a surprise attack, we could even even the odds right from the start."

"...I suppose you have a point," Dark grumbled, before returning to wash the dishes. "But, I'm still not happy about this."

Merry smiled... glad that Dark had dropped the issue. Unfortunately, she didn't have the heart to tell him that their servants had already arrived and were seated in that specific table.

XXX

"Damn it," Airen muttered, wondering why in the world Berserker and Saber had seated themselves at their table as well. "Why do I have to pay for you guys too?! Aren't you the enemy - shouldn't you be fighting my servants?"

Saber shrugged, choosing to continue to flip through the menu rather than meet the master's gaze directly. "It's still light out. We're not allowed to fight in the middle of the day. Besides, just because we're mortal enemies doesn't mean we can't be cordial during a meal."

"You're spending all my money!"

"Technically," Berserker said, as she waved Airen's credit cards in front of him. "You ran out a long time ago. We're technically putting you into debt right now."

"Damn it!" Airen said, reaching for his pocket - finding that his wallet was missing. "When the hell did you steal that?!"

"Ah," Berserker said - smiling in a way that reminded Defender of her master. "That's... a secret."

***

It was over...

The dreadful meal - no, battle for Airen's life savings had come to a predictable end. He had lost... everything. He was outmatched to begin with - three servants, against him alone? Then came the first wave of reinforcements.

By then, he had already accepted the death of his bank accounts. Only the Holy Grail could create a miracle saving him from this financial hell. However... the rest of the servants had shown up. Even Gilgamesh, the King of Heroes, who he didn't even know was in this war - who probably could have paid for the whole thing yet didn't choose to - had shown up. With those reinforcements he had sacrificed more than he had ever hoped he would have too.

Halfway through the meal, he had to pawn his motorcycle. At the very end, he had even had to trade Lancer for some cash, and would now have to continue the war with... Hero. But now, at least it was over...

No, it wasn't over.

"What about the tip?" Breaker asked - and with that question all eyes turned to Airen.

He froze. He had nothing left. Nothing... except Hero, but who would accept him as a tip? Fortunately, he didn't have to say anything at all.

"I'll take care of it," Berserker said cheerfully. "Don't worry, the least I can do is tip the waitress."

Airen eyed her carefully. "You seem awfully generous for the person that stole my credit cards."

"Well, let's just say I just enjoy being generous with my tips," Berserker said - licking her lips shortly after.

Airen didn't ask what she meant for that, spotting Merry coming out of the kitchen from the corner of his eye. "Well then, I'll leave it to you," he said with a defeated shrug.

And just like that, it was really over...

"Wait, Berserker, what are you-"

Yep. Really, truly over.

XXX

"So, same time tomorrow guys?" Lancer offered.

"Sure!" came the united answer from all of the servants.

"Damn it guys!"

AIREN BAD END
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[Soldat der Trauer]

"Welcome to Merry's Dojo!" Berserker greeted as she stood alone. "Sorry about my master Merry not being here, Dark and her have a lot of plates to clean up after that meal.

So let's go straight to the advice!" She paused as she tapped a finger on her chin. "Let's see... hmm, oh look at that. I have no advice for you Airen! I guess that's the brakes of being a secondary main character! Well, I'll see you all on the next Merry Dojo!"

"Wait, wait! Are you kidding me?! You're joking right?" Airen asked desperately. There had to be a way out of this!"

"No, I'm sorry Airen," Berserker smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow~!" She winked before running off.

"No... there has to be a way out! There has to be!"

"Hey, I'm hungry! It's time for dinner!"

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-page 680

[Soldat der Trauer]

Neir: His ooc posts are better than his IC posts.

Lotus: *slaps Neir into the ground with enough force to create a crater with a radius of 1 mile*

Soldat: {sigh}

SABER BAD END

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[Soldat der Trauer]

"-LIMITED DUCK WORKS!"

A field of ducks appeared, spreading as far as the eye could see. Ducks of every shape and size, of every species and coloration imaginable.

Theo jumped backwards, sure this was some sort of devious trap from the ridiculously broken Servant.

But there was no time!

The ducks, they were already upon him-!

He waited for the hammer to fall, closing his eyes and preparing for the end ...

And he waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some more.

And kept waiting.

And eventually got bored of waiting. So he opened his eyes.

The ducks were just sort of ... milling around aimlessly. They weren't doing much of anything at all, really. Lancer was cackling madly in the background.

He made a move towards one, a small duckling. It did nothing. He got bolder, and picked it up.

It still nothing.

He brought it up to his face. It just stared at him, with this endearing sort of innocence shining in its eyes. It ruffled its fluffy body and quacked at him cutely, as though it were saying hello. It even rubbed its little head against his paw.

Crunch.

Maybe he could win after all.

2 hours later ...

He could continue no longer. He lay on the ground, a broken and defeated bear.

He lacked both the will and the capacity to go on.

"Too ... much ... duck!" The bear rasped out, hiccuping at the end of his statement.

He fainted, as Lancer did a jig around his unconscious body.

THEO BAD END #87

Do you wish to continue on to Merry's Theater? Y/N

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