Fate/heavenly hell

[venomking]

The setting is the city of fukyuki, Japan in dark church long since abandoned ,by its past priest and in disrepair a man cloaked in dark robes clad also in sliver and gold chains that resonated with magic of the age of gods, sat in front of a blood red magic circle he spoke the incantation to summon a servant and not but a second later a blinding light occurred, but before the servant could be summoned the chains wrapped around the essence of the hero, not the hero himself but the deed of heroism in its very essence and the chains absorbed it directed it to the cloaked man and in a flash of harsh bringing golden light that could be seen miles away, in that one second every Mage on the planet felt it, the greatest contradiction had just been born, a hero had been created one who never existed, not a hero who only existed in stories no a hero who never existed in the first place made in the image of the Mage who created it, there was no name for such a being, it's power could be felt everywhere and it shared one goal the destruction of the root and the creation of a true heaven and hell, let the greatest of the holy grail wars begin a new great holy grail war has began, the servents not yet summoned but every Mage could feel this battle would decide fate it self.

- - - Updated - - -

So I know it's a bit short the next chapter will be longer and will be the summoning of the servants.

[Draconic]

Your punctuation is a mess, and seems like you put random commas everywhere in a few places and you did not separate different subjects into paragraphs.

That said, this is the first time I've seen you write something coherent, or without any spelling errors. Like, none. And you've done both here. I can hardly believe my eyes, but there it is: You have written something that is entirely readable, venomking. I genuinely applaud you for that. I personally am not interested, but I can't really speak for anyone else, and to be honest, with your sudden massive jump in quality, I really have no reason to discourage you from continuing this.

So, yes, you should definitely keep writing this. Practice makes perfect, and it seems you really might be getting somewhere.

[venomking]

"Sure is busy". Thought otsuku as he walked through the hallways of the clock tower, he had been invited to meet with the grand master and was under no illusion that this had something to do with the Fuyuki incident in Japan. Otsuki turned a corner and bumped right into a red haired boy, the boy had red hair but some places were turning white as snow he wore a simple striped jacket with simple pants, and is his eyes radiated with naivety and extreme determination. The boy quickly apologized and went on his way otusuku thought the boy looked familiar but quickly dismissed it as old age after all the stupid idiot would be able to get within a mile a this place after what happened Iraq and began walking towards the clock towers meeting room.

Emiya felt that the man he'd bumped into had looked familiar but had dismissed it, emiya had been invited to the Mage association which had come as a great surprise to emiya has been currently classed as enemy to the Mage assisting ever since Iraq, emiya knew this had to do with fukyuki and he had all ready been planning to investigate it him self, so he had no reasons not to accept plus the invite did to state that he would be given a pardon for his cooperation as well as information on the black market that emiya had been investigating prior the fukyuki incident, of course emiya was under no illusions that this pardon had likely been rins suggestion and he would be under close watch by a surpuriviser, unlike the other mages who had been given the invite throu a familiar emiyas had been given directly by one of the clock towers maguses and told he was to meet with the head master of the clock tower before the meeting and would not one tend the meeting untell the end. So now here emiya was knocking on the door, a second later he was called in take a seat which emiya did with haste, the head master sat in front of a large accent oak desk with many alchemy tools and neatly stacked papers and a "contract" was in directly in the middle of the desk, the head master had jet black hair, eyes that held an icy intelligence and seemed to regard emiya as if we no less dangerous then a bug, he a lips that were thin in a way that was almost intimendtaing and a pointy chin he wore a red cloak that emiya thought looked a like archers, the man spoke as soon as emiya sat down, " so you came". He said in a deep monotone voice conveying no emotion what so ever he continued " so let's skip the idle chit chat before even starts". He took a deep breath " so before we brief you on why your here I will tell you the conditions of your pardon, the first condition is that you are now an official student of the clock tower this". Before emiya could even voice and aurgument the head master continued "non of these are negotiable unless
you prefer death?" He paused for a whole minut and then continued " good, this condition was decided was made becuase the incident in Iraq has been concluded as your in experience with dealing with mana control so your classes will reflect that. The second condition is that you will under the supervision of Rin tousaka for the entirety of your foreseeable future she will take responsibility for your well being, and of course you will live with her" The head master looked at emiya who had become some what releaved that his supurivisor would be Rin, but also was very embarrassed with the prospect of liveing with her, thou they did so during the grail war it had been out necessity and nothing else, the head master looked amused at emiyas embarrassment probably the only emotion that the head master had conveyed throu out this entire " hmm if I'm not to be mistaken you two ARE still corently in a relationship or that is what miss tousaka said, anyways let's continue the last three conditions regard your reality marble" at the mentioned of his reality marble emiya grew instantly stiff,and was prepared to project the brided blades " oh relax one you can't use mana on thsi room, no mana no projectin, ulike most cases were we would execute you on the spot simply for posses the abilty to use a reality marble we have gon throu much debate and decided that your reality marble is of no real threat to the Mage association your pardon also includes your reality marble, so the conditions regarding it are as follows 1) your supervisor will decide when and if you may use your reality marble but only if she decides 1) you could realistically survive the mana exursion of useing it, and it does pose a threat to any incocence involved. And 2) it would not revail the existence of the Mage association to non mages, and it is the only option available to deal with whatever threat you are currently "investigating".
"The second condition is any time you use use your reality marble you must subjugate your self to physical exam as the Mage association is intrested in the effects of reality marbles on the body. The last condition is your reality marble may never use your reality marble as suicidel attack and if you break of these rules you will mana completely sealed and depending on the severity you may even be executed. The contract was then given to emiya who noticed it was not the magical on the middle of the desk in front of him, but quickly signed the contract knowing he had no choice then the head master continued " so now your briefing so I'm sure you know this has to do with Fuyuki instead that occurred a week ago, the truth is this has to do with the grail wars" at the mentioned of the grail emiya instantly dug his nails into the chair and his contorted with furry. " yes I would assume you would have some grievances involing the grail wars no doubt, to brief you simply you will be joining what we call a greate holy grail war , it occurs if a single person or party controls all seven servants the system allows for us to summon are own servents by choosing are own masters." You'll be briefed on the situation after you have summoned your servent which do shortly after miss tousaka comes to pick you up untell then you may not leave this room.


So i so I know I put ao much into the conditions is becuase those will be important to the story, I know I promised the servants would be summoned in chapter two, but I'm move ing the summing chapter to the next chapter so I can have More time to think about the servants and there masters, I hoped y'all enjoyed this chapter.

[RoydGolden]

You need more paragraph spacing. As is, this is seriously a pain to read.

[venomking]

Ah, well this is mainly an experiment, I'm trying to hown my story wrighting abilties
, I'm paying someone right now to do some manga drawing for me for this, so just tell me how you think the story is. If it's bad well, it was only $25.

[Phil12]

Either this person you know personally or someone is getting ripped off here.......

[venomking]

Old friend from high school. And he doesn't do manga drawings as his primary job, it's more of a hobby for him, really he's only makeing me pay becuase of ummm let's say his wife isn't so fond of manga so he can't just do em free.

[Phil12]

Okay, good to know you aren't getting ripped off and the artist isn't under selling themselves.