Monthly Create-A-Servant Contest

[RoydGolden]

3 votes: H.G Wells. I said all I had to about this sheet before, but both the character and concept are incredibly creative and well fleshed out. Plus, watching Stein's;Gate gave me a serious time-travel/John Titor fetish.

2 votes: Zashiki Warashi. I only got around to reading this now but it's absolutely amazing. I was skeptical of the disconnected urban legend themed Servants at first but you managed to unify them in an impressive way that I never could've imagined. Rather then a bunch of Servant sheets, it really feels like you told a story with this one, a story I would honestly love to read in a fanfic someday.

Not to mention that the last sheet being told in a breezy, conversational first-person style is something I've never seen before, and you pulled it off very well. However, seeing as a "combo Servant" sheet won the last contest and this was technically submitted after the due date, I can't in good conscience give this first place. Still, definitely worthy of a vote.

1 vote: Mary Anning. You managed to make an army of zombie dinosaurs adorable. That alone gets my vote.

Honorary Mentions: N.M.P™, Lamia

[Spartacus]

So first thing first, votes

3 votes Little Match Girl; You cruel peasants summoning a girl with shit live into this shitty war, do you have fucking heart?

2 votes NMP; This thing is just ridiculous like Edison. Edison is good.

1 votes Mothman; I always believe is the first entry need to be judged differently just by the fact that the first entry always becomes the quality bar and thus, tend to get beaten by the others who already read/witnessed it. And its quality proven not to be inferior to the others, which earned its spot

honorable mentions:

Lamia: I was like "shit, we have the same idea", I thought the whole bringing back AoG thing is my ultra brilliant original idea but nope. Basically, have the same premise but explained better while mine stick with the whole "ambigious and undescriptive effects" that most recent canon Servants have, but trying to be like canon doesn't necessarily make it good I guess. Also, not a big fan of that lengthy quotes which I believe straight from its source materials?

Loch Ness + Mary Anning : Hey, the woman that mentioned in my paleontology class. It's all about the Loch Ness and her Jim the Crocodile Cook's fossil deck really. Basically, i liek dinosoars.

Seven School Mysteries: You choose MIB, which actually my original idea for the contest before I scrapped it. I like efforts and stuff, but this is way too lengthy, try to make it more compact before people start quit reading.

Abductor: Like the idea of this. Not something outright of named Urban Legend like the canon phantoms or other entries, but some kind of concept we had on alien but *gibberlish....* idk how to say it, how to describe it in English, anyway it would get scores if it fleshed out like other entries but alas...

Kunti + Kuntilanak: It hard to appreciate Indonesian sheets because we hardly know jackshit about the country. But as a foreigner that probably take a good chunk of his life living there, I understand how creepy your people's ghost are and how OP they are in your movies, Indonesian ghosts are basically Assassin on steroids. But those skills are... way too much man...

Xiao He + his friends: Your Skill naming sense is great. I don't know about Chinese history really, but you make me interested enough reading your Xiao He. His phantoms, on the other hands, not so much.

kinda ironic why the voted one is not commented, but getting votes is straightforward enough to say that these sheets are good.

[Aridwolverine]

3 points: H.G. Wells

2 points: Mothman

1 points: Xiao He

[kami-en]

3 points: Mothman
2 points: Match Girl
1 point: N.M.P.

[You]

Reviews
I kind of want to write feedback but I don't have the time to go through all of them and give tangible feedback.
Also the popular ones are going to get a lot of feedback anyway if people review those they voted for.
Therefore, I've decided to randomly generate 3 numbers and choose those to give feedback.

Appleshooter
I really liked the idea behind this, as a collection of folktales centered around the archetypal appleshooting feat.
However, I found it lacking not in development, but an explanation of that development
Stats are fine. Probably could get away with B rank AGI and C rank STR.
Appleshooter is p great skill. A skill that allows for stat substitution with attack damage dealt is definitely something that should be in canon.
However, Phantoms do have Noble Phantasms. So I'm not sure how you Tell wouldn't have a NP if he was a Phantom.
Other two skill are fine.
Noble Phantasm is novel and excellent too.
I would have liked to hear more about what it means to be an appleshooter. What that trope means, and how that ties into this Servant's existence. You do describe it a bit, but more anthropological stuff would be cool
Mechanistically and conceptually a great sheet. Would have liked to see a bit more explanation in terms of central meaning.
I can see what you are trying to do, but I would have liked you to have come out and say it too.

Archer of Jiangsu
Sorry, I know a lot of people liked this one, but I think it's messy and p convoluted.
The three different phantoms do fit, kind of.
Everything makes sense, kind of.
Its seems pretty find, kind of.
Because there's so many ideas coming into this, you don't really concentrate on something much.
CE was good.
Second NP was really good too. I do think that EX is a bit too high.
Stats, not too much of a fan of 3 pluses but I understand those are from the phantoms so that's p okay.
Nothing about this sheet is bad. But I feed there are just a lot of ideas that are half-fleshed out.

Firestarter
This is one of the Servants I voted for
I liked how it's based on fire and centers around that. Kiyomori also does that but I think this one does it better?
That's a personal preference, the Kiyomori sheet is two spirits that reinforce each other, while this one is two that complement each other.
I'm more of a sucker for the latter I guess. A fairy and the little match girl go very well.
Stats yup.
Item Creation, "only one side has mana" all Servants have magical energy. Good class skill description and abilities though. I might have made Territory Creation (False) a bit more melancholy, tying the Bonfire of the fairy to the homelesnness of the match girl or something along that vein.
Didn't like that degradation thing with Golden Rule dancer. The whole stripper thing doesn't fit these two character also. p special hell.
I thought 4 personal skills were maybe a bit too much, but I couldn't find one that you could throw away. I think they all play into the character rather well.
Either way, very strong personal skills.
The weakest part of the sheet in my opinion was the Noble Phantasms.
The second noble phantasms seems kind of unnecessary. It's kind of... just there. It doesn't really connect to much.
If this a part of a narrative and it served a narrative purpose, then sure, but on just a sheet, inno.
The first noble phantasm is pretty good. Especially how you put that normally it would be a broken phantasm and kill the little match girl, but it's different with the firestarter.
However, I do feel the comparison with Caliburn is a bit unnecessary or a bit gratuitous. Just saying converting magical energy to heat energy would be fine.

I like Phantoms that are an equal sum total of their parts, and especially ones made up of two different legends that complement each other in some way. I was going to pair the Little Match Girl with a serial arsonist or something, but went with something a little more feel-good.

Yeah me too. You did this very well. Good luck.

[RoydGolden]

That feedback is really great, You. Sorry if I'm being needy, but could you give some feedback to my Cowardly Lion sheet? Since nobody's commented on it yet, and I'm not sure how good it is...

[Express]

I'm not You but I think the Cowardly Lion was quite good. I would have included it in an Honorable Mention section if I hadn't been too lazy...
I appreciated turning the thorn in the lion's paw into a weapon (weapons being sometimes very hard to come by for Knight classes like that, so good show). Not to say it's bad, but it just didn't immediately stand out to me. It might have suffered along with a few other sheets that were mostly posted at the same time, which can be frustrating.
While I'm here...Honorable Mentions to Appleshooter, Fabre+Mothman, Four-in-One, and the 27 Club.
Thanks to all who critiqued.

[NMR-3]

3 points to Alcatraz. Really good concept, really good execution. I really like how it's built in a way that suggests a certain kind of narrative around the servant and ties together parts from each warden.

2 points to NMP. Very creative spin on the idea of a manmade messiah. Ties into canon very well.

1 point to Robert Johnson. Wasn't really feeling him being a Berserker, but Naberius is really cool, and the 27 Club is an amazing idea. Missing a theme song though, points lost for that.


Also oh wow most won't even rate El Cid's Remnant a honorable mention? I didn't think it was that bad.

[RoydGolden]

Also oh wow most won't even rate El Cid's Remnant a honorable mention? I didn't think it was that bad.

Since I just begged for feedback two posts up I feel kind of obligated to respond here. Phantom El Cid was a pretty cool idea. Not super flashy or anything, but it worked and would make for a cool twist in a fanfic when his true identity is revealed. Because of the lack of flashiness though, I feel it was kind of outshone by a lot of the other entries.

- - - Updated - - -

I also didn't include honorary mentions this time because so many of the entries were so good I'd end up with listing half the contest, but N.M.P™ was my original pick for 3rd place before RandomUsername's Lamia came out...

[Sunny]

3 points to Alcatraz. Really good concept, really good execution. I really like how it's built in a way that suggests a certain kind of narrative around the servant and ties together parts from each warden.

2 points to NMP. Very creative spin on the idea of a manmade messiah. Ties into canon very well.

1 point to Robert Johnson. Wasn't really feeling him being a Berserker, but Naberius is really cool, and the 27 Club is an amazing idea. Missing a theme song though, points lost for that.


Also oh wow most won't even rate El Cid's Remnant a honorable mention? I didn't think it was that bad.

I'm still deliberating but if I can offer my constructive opinion:
That sheet made a very big initial impression on me, but the more I dwelled on it, the more I realized one thing bugs me about it.

I think it's a brilliant idea but with rough execution. The idea of his component NPs acting as their own phantoms to pretend to be him is very inspired and a really cool take on the Last Ride. But at the same time I also feel like it doesn't make a good case for personality or why they do it in the first place - Tizona is described as disappointed but then they are the part of the combo choosing to do this in the first place, so if it (and they) are disappointed then why did it opt to gattai?

It sounds like the effect is essentially 'a very quiet El Cid whose pieces are disappointed with being El Cid.' Which gives a slightly weak presence to what should be a very big thing. "Omg it's El Cid the avenger whyyyy" is not something that should be muted. I probably would have liked it more if it played with the personality more or their class as an avenger - make them hate the people who cost him his life, even if he didn't die unsatisfied, or give them some kind of grudge worthy of being Avenger.

I hope that makes sense. Concept-wise alone, it's one of my very favorite ideas in this round, but I would've spent more time on the 'why' and 'who.'

Edit: I mean, there's a good case to be made for "his swords and loyal horse seething as their great hero wastes away in starvation under siege", but it feels like the Avenger aspect isn't capitalized on much at all. It could just as easily be a Rider.

Please don't take it as a sign the sheet wasn't cool - I think it was a brilliant idea and the skills/NP are solid, but there's definite areas where it would have went to the next level with more fleshing out and deliberation.

[You]

That feedback is really great, You. Sorry if I'm being needy, but could you give some feedback to my Cowardly Lion sheet? Since nobody's commented on it yet, and I'm not sure how good it is...

Thinking about it, since the number of entrants changes with each contest doing 3 is kind of weird.
I guess I'll aim for 10%.
So 42 would be 4. But like I said before, I want to do it randomly so let's see.

[You]

Dick Turpin
Solid effort. Most of the work seems to be on Turpin and the Black Dog's worldviews as well as their relationship.
That relationship seems to mirror Hessian and Lobo's kind of but in a perverse reversed manner where the dominant must be submissive to exist and vice versa. Props.
And how that is framed is the Phantom is something that has taken the place of the Noble Phantasm.
Stats, fine.
Riding is a bit too high for what you have describing it. I understand why it's A+ and why it has to be A+, but you should put reasoning in there too.
Magic Resistance is a class skill so it'd be E from the container even if he is very recent.
First two class skills are fine.
I like the effect for the last class skill but I don't think what you've portrayed here convinces me he's a Bryonic Hero.
First Noble Phantasm is fine though I think the "escape with ease" makes the threat a bit too non-existent. Because like you said in the Uncatchable Free Spirit skill, it only supplies the method. And the third skill supplies the luck. But luck is luck. At the same time because the legend is "I escaped" and its the recreation of the feat it would only make sense for him to escape.
Second NP I think the rank is too high. B++ is pretty damn high.
I don't understand why having Magic Resistance would stop the shadow attack thing. You don't have it as a spell. Maybe a MGI check instead.
The effort you put into the relationships and personality were evident.
Though the question that I don't think you answered is why. What makes Black Dog able to become this Noble Phantasm other than "its kinda like black bess kind of."
Just by looking at these two existences you can kind of see they fit pretty well together, but you need to take the time to think about why they fit well together and express that.
I don't think you went overboard, and this is a very solid sheet, there's no doubt about it.
But I don't think you drew out the full potential of this pairing. There definitely could be more.

[NMR-3]

I'm still deliberating but if I can offer my constructive opinion:
That sheet made a very big initial impression on me, but the more I dwelled on it, the more I realized one thing bugs me about it.

I think it's a brilliant idea but with rough execution. The idea of his component NPs acting as their own phantoms to pretend to be him is very inspired and a really cool take on the Last Ride. But at the same time I also feel like it doesn't make a good case for personality or why they do it in the first place - Tizona is described as disappointed but then they are the part of the combo choosing to do this in the first place, so if it (and they) are disappointed then why did it opt to gattai?

It sounds like the effect is essentially 'a very quiet El Cid whose pieces are disappointed with being El Cid.' Which gives a slightly weak presence to what should be a very big thing. "Omg it's El Cid the avenger whyyyy" is not something that should be muted. I probably would have liked it more if it played with the personality more or their class as an avenger - make them hate the people who cost him his life, even if he didn't die unsatisfied, or give them some kind of grudge worthy of being Avenger.

I hope that makes sense. Concept-wise alone, it's one of my very favorite ideas in this round, but I would've spent more time on the 'why' and 'who.'

Edit: I mean, there's a good case to be made for "his swords and loyal horse seething as their great hero wastes away in starvation under siege", but it feels like the Avenger aspect isn't capitalized on much at all. It could just as easily be a Rider.

Please don't take it as a sign the sheet wasn't cool - I think it was a brilliant idea and the skills/NP are solid, but there's definite areas where it would have went to the next level with more fleshing out and deliberation.

This is pretty in depth and should be a big help, thanks. You hit the nail on the head when you say the execution's pretty rough. You're also right when you say the Avenger thing is pretty wasted, I definitely could've done a lot more with that.

I figure I might as well return the favour, so here's a (rather shorter - hopefully you won't mind) review of your entries.

HG Wells + John Titor: Time traveler was a pretty neat idea, but it kinda under-delivered because of three reasons, IMO: first is the Skills didn't seem to tie into that concept very well. Part of that is because they're all HG Wells, nothing about John Titor. Second problem is that time travel is very, very broken, which ties into the third and most major problem: that while I could've accepted time travel if it was done with gravitas and treated like something huge, the introduction you provided undercut that because he seems to reset for the smallest possible reason. It kind of makes the time travelling process seem costless and easy, and that really doesn't work for me.

Robespierre + Moreau: This combo is based upon the idea of revolutionizing civilization at any price, and it's one I never expected to see (in a good way). While it works, I feel like making them two different personalities that come to the front at different times is a bit of a misstep. It's essentially stapling them together, while I feel the other combo entries I voted for (Robert Johnson, Alcatraz) establish that they're more of a smooth blend, which makes for a more interesting character in my opinion. Use of the guillotine as transformative tool is very clever, though.

[RoydGolden]

Second problem is that time travel is very, very broken, which ties into the third and most major problem: that while I could've accepted time travel if it was done with gravitas and treated like something huge, the introduction you provided undercut that because he seems to reset for the smallest possible reason. It kind of makes the time travelling process seem costless and easy, and that really doesn't work for me.

That's why in my own review I said the time travel NP works best imagined from a narrative point of view rather then in a pure stat sheet. The question isn't whether he'll go back in time and save the day (of course he will, he's the protagonist, at least in our hypothetical story) but in the struggles and suffering he has to go through to reach that point. It's like Okabe from Stein's;Gate. His ability could be seen as "overpowered" as well, but it certainly doesn't feel that way because rather then just seeing the "correct" loop where he accomplishes everything flawlessly we see all the times he failed and nearly despaired along the way, which makes his eventual victory all the sweeter.

Not to mention even from a gameplay perspective, Wells seems to need to invoke the NP manually in order to activate it. So killing him instantly without giving him any time to invoke it should still work.

[Bylackbre]

3 points: Alcatraz (I thought it was a cool concept and definitely gets my vote. Plus the faceclaim really helped in giving off the appearance of the fear inducing warden that would be needed to control such a location.)

2 points: Mary Anning + Nessie (I have always loved the Loch Ness monster and not only have you managed to turn it into a cool servant but one whose reasoning for existing actually seemed logical to me. This was almost the choice I gave my 3 points to but I decided to put this in second instead.)

1 point: Phantom Soldier... Okay I figured it would be rude to vote for myself so really the third place choice is H.G. Wells (I don't have much input here beyond what was already stated but Sunny it would be interesting to see what you could do with Jules Verne after seeing what you did with Wells.)

[Sunny]

Mm. That's one of the reasons I made it conscious invocation rather than automatic. I probably should have made it more costly, but if I did, the "hell of endless repetition" aspect wouldn't have been possible, and my intent was that he's more disturbed than the debonair secret agent facade suggests because he's also rocking concealed PTSD from the insertion of Titor's memories. If the flip-back had more of a cost, he couldn't do it 100, 1000, 10000, 1000000 times and endure each one. The cost is basically mental.

I will note Strategy is a 70/30% Titor/Wells skill though. It's Titor's military training buffed by Wells' knowledge. He also gets his gun training/entire fighting style from Titor. ... Plus the PTSD.

A fair critique of both sheets overall though, thank you kindly. ^^; It's arguably a flaw of my methodology, which is that I tend to do things in one sitting to exorcise them more than I actually craft something artfully. Thank you for that, especially on the Robespierre personality.

I think I have my votes more or less squared away now... I'll post them tomorrow, when I finish the last of my reviews. Sorry for the wait.

[RoydGolden]

Mm. That's one of the reasons I made it conscious invocation rather than automatic. I probably should have made it more costly, but if I did, the "hell of endless repetition" aspect wouldn't have been possible, and my intent was that he's more disturbed than the debonair secret agent facade suggests because he's also rocking concealed PTSD from the insertion of Titor's memories. If the flip-back had more of a cost, he couldn't do it 100, 1000, 10000, 1000000 times and endure each one. The cost is basically mental.

Yeah, the "hell of endless repetition" (and accompanying mental cost) was one of the coolest parts of the sheet. I know I've brought this up before, but how much (or at all) were you inspired by Okabe's ordeal in Stein's;Gate?

A fair critique of both sheets overall though, thank you kindly. ^^; It's arguably a flaw of my methodology, which is that I tend to do things in one sitting to exorcise them more than I actually craft something artfully. Thank you for that, especially on the Robespierre personality.

Honestly, I'm amazed you can write such incredible sheets in one sitting. I usually need at least one or two days to polish up a sheet to when it's even remotely postable.

[34]

Kunti + Kuntilanak: It hard to appreciate Indonesian sheets because we hardly know jackshit about the country. But as a foreigner that probably take a good chunk of his life living there, I understand how creepy your people's ghost are and how OP they are in your movies, Indonesian ghosts are basically Assassin on steroids. But those skills are... way too much man...

Hey, thanks for the comment. Yeah, I think the main problem with the sheet was these Skills...

BTW, what does anyone else think about the sheet overall?

[MehKitteh]

Kunti(lanak): Please don't give me more nightmares.

[Toncas]

Hopefully I'm not too late. I'd like to give fuller reviews at some point, but for now:
3 points for H.G. Wells. He and Titor complement each other well and you really sold me on the theme of Wells trying to create a utopia. The idea of a fanciful playboy who will in secret do anything to achieve his goals for the greater good made him feel much more complex.
2 points for Sasaki Kojiro. I probably have some inherent bias towards Kojiro, but you did well at presenting why this familiar character, whom you note should not normally be a berserker, would become one and how the phantoms all add to that theme.
1 point for Deerslayer. I like the juxtaposition of the frontiersman who goes west, presumably mowing down animal populations, and the spirit that restrains such behavior. I would have liked to see more on how their personalities mingled, though.