Wunderbare Geschichten
Topfschlagen--A Lack of Ammunition is Inexcusable
Type: Anti-Unit
Rank: D+
Range: 1~99
Max Targets: 1
Archer’s cherished musket. A purely modern firearm, yet its feats far outshine what one could feasibly expect from such a model. Culling thousands of polar bears one day, to serving as armament for Archer during a military operation on the moon the next; the fact remains, such a modern weapon cannot possess an adequate amount of Mystery equal to a Noble Phantasm of even the lowest rank. Of course, for a man such as Archer, to not properly gird oneself with one’s weapon is the same as leaving the house undressed. So he made do.
Hamesh Avanim, the legendary sling of King David, has been carefully installed as a carrying sling for Archer’s musket. But, wait, that kind of claim is a bit much, isn’t it…?
“You wish (I can see by your countenances) I would inform you how I became possessed of such a treasure as the sling just mentioned. (Here facts must be held sacred.) Thus then it was: I am a descendant of the wife of Uriah, whom we all know David was intimate with; she had several children by his majesty; they quarrelled once upon a matter of the first consequence, viz., the spot where Noah's ark was built, and where it rested after the flood. A separation consequently ensued. She had often heard him speak of this sling as his most valuable treasure: this she stole the night they parted; it was missed before she got out of his dominions, and she was pursued by no less than six of the king's body-guards: however, by using it herself she hit the first of them (for one was more active in the pursuit than the rest) where David did Goliath, and killed him on the spot. His companions were so alarmed at his fall that they retired, and left Uriah's wife to pursue her journey. She took with her, I should have informed you before, her favourite son by this connection, to whom she bequeathed the sling; and thus it has, without interruption, descended from father to son till it came into my possession.”
While Archer has been known to use the sling for its intended function, it seems he’s purposefully opted to use it as a means of raising his musket to the level of a Noble Phantasm. Consequently, none of the sling’s inherent properties seem to have transferred over. That being said, the musket is far from a useless piece of equipment.
Archer, on his many journeys, would oftentimes find himself without access to ball and powder with which to load his musket. Naturally, the improvisation of ammunition became not just a hobby, but in certain situations an actual necessity. Perhaps most famously is the incident in which he loaded a handful of cherry pits in place of grapeshot for use against a certain stag he was hunting. While the shot landed, it failed to actually kill the stag. Instead, a full-blown cherry tree soon began to grow from the creature’s cranium. Working in tandem, the musket and Archer’s anecdotes create a Noble Phantasm of “exponential growth towards logical extremes”. A cherry pit grew to its logical conclusion and became a tree. A nail Archer had once fired (in an effort to not damage a fox’s coat with regular shot) instantly skinned the animal all at once without damaging the tail. This effect can be imparted to any potential improvised ammunition, obviously so long as it can actually fit inside the musket.
As with his ancestor’s sling, Archer has named his musket after a children’s game. Topfschlagen (“Hit the Pot” in English) is a German game meant to be played indoors, in which a blindfolded person searches for a pot full of chocolate with a stick.
Wunderbare Geschichten
Kanonenkugelfahrt--Striding Rolling Thunder
: Anti-Army
Rank: B
Range: 1~100
Max Targets: 50
“The time has arrived, let us affect a victory postehast.”
“I can see it, the path we shall take through this darkness.”
“The most perfect of bullets is man himself. Yes...aim…”
“Feur! Wasser! Sturm! Blitz!”
Everyone knows the scene. It’s a mainstay trope of many a slapstick comedy. A foolish character, looking for respite from some physical labor or the like, climbs into a dangerous contraption for the blessed shade and relief it supposedly provides in the moment. The contraption (usually a cannon) discharges, sending the hapless fool into certain unforeseen danger--though more often than not, he escapes completely unharmed. This is the core foundation for Archer’s trump card. No matter how many times his stories have been translated, adapted into plays or movies, or even depicted in paintings; the event that sticks out first and foremost in the forethought of his relevant zeitgeist is that of “riding the cannonball”.
“My first visit to England was about the beginning of the present king's reign. I had occasion to go down to Wapping, to see some goods shipped, which I was sending to some friends at Hamburgh; after that business was over, I took the Tower Wharf in my way back. Here I found the sun very powerful, and I was so much fatigued that I stepped into one of the cannon to compose me, where I fell fast asleep. This was about noon: it was the fourth of June; exactly at one o'clock these cannon were all discharged in memory of the day. They had been all charged that morning, and having no suspicion of my situation, I was shot over the houses on the opposite side of the river, into a farmer's yard, between Bermondsey and Deptford, where I fell upon a large hay-stack, without waking, and continued there in a sound sleep till hay became so extravagantly dear (which was about three months after), that the farmer found it his interest to send his whole stock to market: the stack I was reposing upon was the largest in the yard, containing above five hundred load; they began to cut that first. I woke with the voices of the people who had ascended the ladders to begin at the top, and got up, totally ignorant of my situation: in attempting to run away I fell upon the farmer to whom the hay belonged, and broke his neck, yet received no injury myself. I afterwards found, to my great consolation, that this fellow was a most detestable character, always keeping the produce of his grounds for extravagant markets.”
The anecdote of Archer’s impossible voyage atop a cannonball is built upon by the many instances of the man in question hurling cannonballs at his intended targets without the use of a cannon at all. The end result is an ability concerning the absolute judgment of trajectory...but really it’s more like he intercepts the cannonball in midair and kicks it.
Several dozen cannons are summoned and fired haphazardly--each one representing a personal experience Archer has had concerning the specific cannonball--with Archer mounting the final ball to be fired, carried into the midst of the ordnance bombardment. From one cannonball to the next, Archer launches his body at high speeds, adjusting each cannonball perfectly with a kick. The end result is a finely focused shelling that is “incredibly difficult to evade”.
The pièce de résistance is the arrival of the final shell, known as the Tott Shell according to Archer, named after a certain gentleman he once endeavored to outdo in feats of magnificence.
"The Turks had placed below the castle, and near the city, on the banks of Simois, a celebrated river, an enormous piece of ordnance cast in brass, which would carry a marble ball of eleven hundred pounds weight. I was inclined," says Tott, "to fire it, but I was willing first to judge of its effect; the crowd about me trembled at this proposal, as they asserted it would overthrow not only the castle, but the city also; at length their fears in part subsided, and I was permitted to discharge it. It required not less than three hundred and thirty pounds' weight of powder, and the ball weighed, as before mentioned, eleven hundredweight. When the engineer brought the priming, the crowds who were about me retreated back as fast as they could; nay, it was with the utmost difficulty I persuaded the Pacha, who came on purpose, there was no danger: even the engineer who was to discharge it by my direction was considerably alarmed. I took my stand on some stone-work behind the cannon, gave the signal, and felt a shock like that of earthquake! At the distance of three hundred fathom the ball burst into three pieces; the fragments crossed the strait, rebounded on the opposite mountain, and left the surface of the water all in a foam through the whole breadth of the channel."
A cannonball from a 1,100 pounder cannon is equivalent to a 5,331 caliber bullet. The largest cannon ever successfully fired has a caliber barely over 900. Of course, a gentleman cannot be expected to expertly wield such a monstrous creation. When attempting his trumping of Tott, Archer had stolen the massive ordnance, placed it on his shoulder, and swam back across the Channel with it. Unfortunately, when attempting to throw it back, its unwieldy size (and an unfortunate premature discharge) occasioned that Archer should drop the weapon into the depths of the Channel. The Tott Shell, therefore, is a finishing blow descending from the sky, the aiming of which would simply be foolish in its attempt.
Hmm? What do you mean that this technique is one big “S-- Pistols” reference?
Originally Posted by Sandstorm77
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