A city where only the strongest can survive.
A place where those without jobs or home cannot live in happiness.
-Yes, this is the story about that city.
That city, and the man who lived there.
The man who would be eventually known as…
Gilgamesh Teaches Olympics
// Lesson 1: You know you’re beyond help when you dry your underwear with other men
/// April 1st.
The Great Gilgamesh.
Yes, that’s right. That’s me. The one and only ruler of Uruk, Slayer of Humbaba, King of Heroes and Golden Boy of Year 2600 BC. There are not enough mongrels in this world to fill up the boots that I left behind, so it should just righteously make my return to the world the most joyous moment of humanity’s history.
So, why is it…
“Lancer. Have you seen my underwear?”
“Yeah, I hung them up with mine to the outside.”
“Didn’t you break the laundry pole we had?”
“Oh, I used Gae Bolg as substitute.”
Why is it that I’m stuck with living these two!?!?!?!?!?
Yeah, I get it. Kotomine is, at least namely, our Master, so we’re living with him. But isn’t this just a bit pathetic? We’re in a church! Three guys! All dressed up like we were just coming out of Isthar’s temple! Hell, it might be warm spring, but still! Cherry blossoms are blooming outside, like they are celebrating my existence! And yet here we are, the four of us! Me, Kotomine, Lancer, and a tin of spaghetti!
“Gilgamesh, do you want me to bring your underwear too?” Kotomine asked from me.
“Kotomine, can’t you see that I’m already wearing my underwear? Just get the rest of my clothes”, I answered.
“Oh, those are underwear…I was wondering what kind of shiny loincloth you had wrapped around your private places.”
“These are the original underwear we invented in Uruk, thank you very much.”
“I see”, Kotomine smiled as if he had seen something amusing. “Then I shall gather rest of the clothes outside.”
I tell you, there are many things I have seen as the King of Heroes. But still, Kotomine Kirei fresh out of shower is one of the worst.
So, what is the reason why two heroic spirits and one priest are prancing around butt-naked in a church? That’s easy. Earlier tonight, while we were lazing around the church without anything to do, Kotomine’s daughter stopped by. She told us she had got sick of our slovenly life-style, and then proceeded by whipping us into the shape. Literally.
Oh, why can’t that woman be as gentle as Saber is…?
That was why I, the Great Gilgamesh, had spent the most of my day cleaning up this damned church! Kotomine even refused when I said I could bring out the original maid from my vault, saying it would be good if we used our own muscles to do it!
“Oi, Gilgamesh. You think we should fix up that inflatable tub outside? What better way to spend rest of the hot day than in a tub, getting some tan and catching some rays?” Lancer asked with a grin. For greatest spearman of Ireland, he looked far less intimidating when dressed in white briefs.
“Mongrel, I find anything better than sitting around in children’s inflatable tub with two grown up men. Especially when I think about that priest planned on doing in that tub. Apparently Kotomine bought it for that red-wearing girl when she was little.”
“…Eww. To be honest, I lost my interest”, Lancer made a face like he was going to puke, and got up, stretching. “Well, I might just go fishing then. And I could probably catch some dinner later at that crewcut hair’s place.”
D-dammit that mongrel! He’s got it easy since he can freeload at Saber’s place whenever he wants. Meanwhile I’m stuck in here, playing Uno with Mr. Pretty!
“Lancer! Gilgamesh! Here are your clothes.” Kotomine came in, handing our clothes to us while walking past us. He then proceeded to the altar, took of his towel, and begun changing there.
“…I believe the amount of people who visit here would depressingly drop if anyone saw that”, I couldn’t help but to comment.
“…Most likely”, Lancer agreed.
While changing back into my gorgeous attire of white shirt, black pants and black jacket, I noticed something strange. There was this strange feeling of familiarity when I looked at the towel Kotomine had thrown at the church seat. Therefore, after dressing up, I walked there and picked up the towel, looking at it, trying to find the thing that was catching my interest.
Wait a minute. This is…
“Kotomineeee! Why are you using my “Moe-Moe Saber-chan bath towel”!?” I screamed from the top of my lungs when I saw the towel.
“Oh? It was yours? I just saw it lying around, so I used it.”
“Uoooooh! It’s been tainted! You mongrel tainted it! My Saber-chaaaaan~” I couldn’t stop the tears that we’re ready to pour down my cheeks. “She’s been tainted…tainted by the black mud…”
“Gilgamesh…aren’t you over-reacting a bit?”
T-t-t-t-t-t-that damned priest has nerve to say that I’m overreacting!?
“That’s it Kotomine! I can’t take it anymore! I can’t take this “2/3 God and Two Men”-thing anymore! I’ve had it with the nightly poker games with our only pair of socks as the single betting prize! I’ve had it with you borrowing my youth elixir to sneak into kindergartens! I’ve had it with Lancer dragging back some fish every now and then, that you leave rotting under the benches so that all the people who come here to hear your sermon are getting stomach ulcers in-rhythm with your speech! And I’ve most certainly had it with you sleeping on the roof because “the church has only one bed”! Kotomine, I’m getting out of here! I simply cannot take it anymore!!”
There. I said it. And damn right I was gonna do as I said. There is no way the King of Heroes is going to live like this anymore.
With snap of fingers, I packed all my things back into my Gate of Babylon, including the Moe-Moe Bath Towel. It might have not been the original, but at least it was safe from further Kotomine-contamination in there.
“And where do you think you’re going, Gilgamesh?” Kotomine asked, amusedly.
“Anywhere but here!”
And with that I exited the church, slamming the doors behind me shut.
Where was I going to go?
I stood there, under the burning hot sun, in front of the Kotomine church for good five minutes, unable to come up with any kind of answer. And, as if he had been awaiting for something like this, I heard the doors creak as Kotomine peeked his head out.
“Well…were you not going?”
“Silence, mongrel! I’m going, I’m going!” I answered, annoyed by the priest’s attitude.
But really, where would I go? What would be kind enough place to take me in? There wasn’t probably many, if any, places like that in this world of mongrels. Was there really a place where a king could go and stay as he wished…?
…oh yes there was.
“Hmh. It was nice knowing you, Kotomine. But this is truly the farewell for us”, I said, getting my confidence finally back. With snap of fingers I finally summoned the original, golden scooter from inside my vault and hopped on.
“See ya, Kotomine!” I laughed as I started up the scooter and accelerated sharply, heading straight down the road, and down the hill.
Ahh…the wind feels good on my face. To be finally free of the curse of three bachelors. Lancer and Kotomine can rot there for all I care. Why should a king care about what happens to two of his servants?
Though as servant, Kotomine was the type that would be revealed to be the murderer at the end of the story.
Riding the scooter was really the quickest way to move inside the town. Shinto was full of people, and if I had gone by foot, I would have had to push them out of the way with my Noble Phantasms. That kind of thing is too much work, so it was really best that way.
Oh how I wish I could have used my Vimana. However, according to Kotomine, it was “just bit too flashy” to the standards of people of today.
From Shinto to the Fuyuki Big Bridge, from bridge to Miyama town. By scooter it took only half an hour to cross that distance. When comparing to Uruk, I would have gotten only from my throne to the bathroom in this time. World had become such small place during the time I was gone.
Up the hill and right from the intersection. I had visited that place only once, but I knew pretty well where I was going. After all, my love was what guided my steps. That’s why I could steer my scooter without a mistake straight in front of the Japanese-style gate in white stone wall. I looked up to the wooden plate that was attached to the wall.
I had certainly come to the right place.
Well, if this was to be my new home, I knew I needed to check if the things were properly arranged around here. So, I opened the gate, stepped inside, and begun analyzing what I saw.
“Hmm…the lawn is well taken care of…oh, there’s a dojo too…now, now…this seems great.”
Instead of introducing myself straight to the residents that I knew were inside the house, I decided to take a peek at the backyard. After all, I was curious on how these mongrels were actually tending their living area. If it sufficed, then there was no problem. However, I had more than few things in my Gate of Babylon to fix things if the current state of affairs did not prove to be to my liking.
“Hmm, they keep it clean enough. Veranda seems to be cleaned regularly. Same can be said for windows, and the house in general. Either that Faker is good at cleaning, or then there is someone else here to do it.
Should you call this “woman’s touch”?
“Hmh…??? What’s that…?” I muttered to myself the moment I saw something strange.
Many sets of different kind of clothing were hung outside, probably drying. It was far more welcome sight than what I was used to seeing outside Kotomine Church.
But! Wait a minute!
If these were the clothes used inside the Faker’s residence…
“O-o-o-o-o-o-oh…this is…this must be…!”
Holding out the pure, white, something in my hands, I raised it towards the sun to observe it more closely.
Yes, there was no doubt about. Modest, womanly, yet with dignified air around them…this was, without a doubt…
“Saber’s Panties, GET!”
The moment I let loose my howl of victory, I heard one other sound behind me. When I turned to look around, I saw someone. A girl dressed in red and black, and with raven black hair.
Ah, I do recognize her. Tokiomi’s daughter. Whatever she was doing here was beyond me, but this meant that…
I had been caught.
“Rin? What’s wrong? Do you have trouble getting all the clothes from…huh?”
And this time, angel’s voice can be heard.
The maiden with green eyes and blonde hair walked from the veranda to Tokiomi’s daughter, wearing a dumbfounded expression. She must have been surprised when she saw me. Well, I cannot blame her for it. Most are. My presence just is like that.
However, that does not stop me from greeting her properly.
“Woman! I have come, finally, to recl-HEBUUUUUUH!!!!”
A strong kick sends me tumbling to the ground. Saber’s magnificent roundhouse kick just knocked me down with single strike.
“King of Heroes! What are you doing here!? Are you trying to provoke us into a battle!?!?” she asked with furious voice, that still managed to sound like heaven’s bells.
Yes, I had been kicked, but…it was not all for naught.
“White…with blue stripes…” with my last ounce of strength, I muttered the following words.
Saber’s eyes darted from the panties that were still in my grip to her groin. A cute blush appeared on her face the moment she realizes what I meant. But, instead of acting all shy like I had imagined her to, she drew a very familiar golden sword from somewhere.
W-wait. This isn’t how this was supposed to go!
“Wait-wait-wait! I don’t even have my armo-“
As the bright light engulfed me, I held on to the pair of panties that were testimony that I had achieved something with this visit of mine.
“N-no…I must not give up. Even if they do not even consider of letting my live with them, I cannot give up hope. There must be some place for me to be.”
My triumphant arrival to the Emiya Residence had not gone as planned. Not only had Saber gravely misunderstood my act of affection, but they had also chased me out without even listening to word I said.
Now, I was sitting on the sidewalk, my shoulders drooped and head hung low, not far away from the house.
“B-but! I cannot go back to Kotomine! Not after what I said!”
But the cruel truth is…there is no place for true king in this world of mongrels. There is no place for a king, for king cannot utilize his power in a world like this. Back then, in the good old days, my word would have been absolute.
But now, none of these kids and women know who they are facing! They just disregard me and chase me away!
“It’s hopeless…could there possibly be a place in this world where I could be king again!?” I shouted my question to the skies, unable to take it anymore.
“There is, young man. There is, so never give up hope.”
The heavens answered to my question.
I raised my gaze, and there she stood. Glad in stripes as proud as tiger’s, with face as fierce as samurai’s, and with eyes as determined as king’s. This woman stood before me as a mark from above, from the gods I have loathed. Her unwavering gaze drove new belief and hope in me, enough to make me feel like anything would be possible again.
“Where…? Tell me! Where I can become a king again??” I stood quickly up, my eyes fixed on this woman. She showed me a gentle smile.
“Not far from here is a place where kings from all over the city gather. It is a building where monarchy still exists, a place where laws and orders of the kings are absolute. A place where world still has law and order to it! A place where nobody can question the authority of kings!! A place where you can live your dream again, young man!!!”
It was a miracle. A true miracle. With each word she said, this woman pumped me full of ambition and readiness to show just what I was made of.
This was it! This place would be the place that I belonged to! This promised land of kings! I would go there, and take my place as king once more, reigning over these mongrels!
“Yes! I want to live my dream! Where!? How!? What must I do to become king again!?” I pressed on.
And then…with almost saint-like expression on her face…she put her hand on my shoulder, and nodded.
“Go down this street, and from there, left, until you come across a big building. Go inside, and speak to one of the kings there. Say that you were spent by a certain woman…”
A-a certain woman…?
“Say that you were sent by…Fujimura Taiga, young man.”
Uooooh!! Tiger-woman! I shall surely become king once again!
Thank you, Tiger-womaaaaaaan!!!
/// April 2st.
All in all, Emiya Shirou was satisfied how normal the day had turned out to be so far. With the incident with King of Heroes yesterday, he wanted to make the life get back to the normal tracks.
And what better way to do it than spend a day in school? Especially in P.E lesson, under blue sky and warm sun?
Because of the how the system worked at the school, all P.E lessons were shared by the second year and the first year students. Shirou was, however, fine with it. This just meant that Sakura and her classmates were on the same lessons with him, Rin, Saber and others.
“Kusakabe-sensei sure is late, though…wonder if he has gotten into some sort of accident?” Rin wondered while half-heartedly stretching and warming up. Sakura gave rather troubled smile.
“I hope not. Kusakabe-sensei is nice man, so it would be terrible if something happened to him.”
“Yeah. It’s alright if something happens to Fujimura-sensei, but if it’s the other teachers, it’s alright~” Ayako said with slight grin, caused Sakura to frown a bit.
“That was not what I meant.”
“Oh, we know, Sakura. Ayako was just teasing you”, Rin commented, which was accompanied by good-hearted laughter. However, her laugh turned into grimace when she saw the approaching trio. “Agh.”
“T-Tohsaka-san! C-Can we join your group for the duration of this P.E lesson?” the smallest of the trio of girls that had arrived asked.
“Of course, Saegusa-san. You don’t need my consent for something like that.”
“See?? I told you Tohsaka would have no problem with it”, Kaede loudly interrupted, to point out she had been right all along. Himuro frowned upon this.
“Silence. Seems like Sensei is arriving.”
And indeed, all the students were already gathering, which indicated that teacher had arrived. However, the voice they heard, shouting above the voices of students, was not Kusakabe-sensei.
“Alright, gather around, gather around! Seems like all we have here are women and children so I want you all to get together! That way you can all hear what I say”, the new voice issued orders.
“Kusakabe Yuuichi-sensei got into accident last week, and is been, unfortunately, unable to continue in his work as the P.E teacher of this school. That was why I was contacted, and for the next two years, I will be your P.E teacher. Is that clear, mongrels??”
Mongrels? Somehow Emiya Shirou felt vaguely familiar with this voice, and the words he used…
“Let’s make some things clear at first. While you’re here, in this P.E class, you shall obey my every word, mongrels. I am the king of the P.E classes, and you will do well to remember that”, he boomed on with charismatic voice. “However, I am not a tyrant. For those who shall follow me will be bestowed with treasures more than your mongrelic minds can handle! I shall make you all as good as the original P.E class I have in my va-…that I met once.”
The strange P.E teacher cleared his throat and raised something upwards, so everybody could see it. Shirou, after a while, realized it was a golden ball. A large golden ball, for that matter.
“We shall start with some dodge ball! It is a great sport that shall definitely separate the men from the mongrels! I will let you even play with my original dodge ball!” he announced, before laughing and pointing towards the field. “Let’s go, my P.E class!”
“S-Sensei! Can you tell us your name, Sensei?” one of the girls asked, still in awe of the speech of just now.
And then Shirou saw him. Through the crowd of pumped up high school students. He was standing there, with the original dodge ball under his arm, dressed in white and black tracksuit. His golden hair flowed in the wind, and red eyes gazed over the class.
“My true identity, huh? You know, back in the day when the world was still uni-…Gah, no, forget that.” Pulling himself together, the teacher started again.
“I am the new P.E teacher of Homuraba Gakuen, and you can call me: Gilgamesh-sensei!”