The Beast's Lair Fanfic Contest (2018 Edition) (Discussion Thread)

[SpoonyViking]

[Insert screams of despair]

I mean, it's coming along, so at least there's that.

[Milbunk]

Friendly reminder that fics are due in around 25 hours!

[SpoonyViking]

[DESPAIR INTENSIFIES]

[Draconic]

I sent in my preliminary submission a while back, but you haven’t opened the message yet. I want to confirm that you got it.

[Milbunk]

Yeah I got it, less than 20 minutes to go! Sorry I waited so long to say anything my work ran later than expected.

[Milbunk]

I have sent the entries to the judges and begun posting them onto the fic thread, but because of BL's auto update function for posts It's going to take too much time. I will finish tomorrow after I get up.

[Milbunk]

Alright all the entries have been posted, you can find them here: http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...08#post2830008

Since we haven't received enough for each category I shall be grouping them all together.

[SpoonyViking]

Man, "Alter" is so good! No offense to the other entries, but if it doesn't win the contest, I'm going to call shenanigans.
(Just kidding about that last part, judges.)

[You]

First I want to congratulated everyone who submitted. It's not easy to finish writing a fic in a certain amount of time and it also is admirable to submit it in a contest where it's open for scrutiny. Either way I hope that you'll find this feedback helpful and will continue writing. These are my general impressions of the stories and since I'm not a judge I did not put point values or anything like that.

The Sorrow of Kings

Spoiler:

This story was written well. It has a good premise, good prose, and was technically good. A story about Gunnhild and Eric is something that Grand Order sorely lacks and more depth into their story and characterization is what a lot of people on this forum as well as myself crave. In that respect, in my opinion, this is a story that was made for a contest like this, investigation into a part of canon that isn't really explored but hinted at.
The weakness of this entry though is in its organization and its flow. There are a few scenes here and the scenes make sense, but there isn't much connecting them. It seems like you have 2 separate scenes and spliced them at haphazard parts and then wove them together. Yes, there is a logic and thematic reason why these scenes are strung together, but that logic is rather weak.

The Modern Heroic Spirit

Spoiler:

This story is rushed. It's a soliloquy without any substance and at the end there is nothing to feel for the narrator or Armstrong.
"I summoned Neil Armstrong because he is cool and that is so cool"
Rather than being lacking because the premise or setting was lacking, it seems like this was thrown together a few days before the deadline.

Heavy is the Crown

Spoiler:

As I know who wrote this I'll reserve my comments other than how this is a roleplay bio, not a story.

Future's End

Spoiler:

As you are a first timer for this contest, I think you should know there's been a big precedent in the past that the most successful stories are self-contained rather than merely being one part of larger fic. The biggest reason is that there's really no conclusion to this story. The other big issue I have with this story was Da Vinci's characterization. She is supposed to be the reliable and slightly goofy older sister character that everyone looks to even in emergencies. The Da Vinci here does not seem to embody that at all.
Reading this, I'm at like 99.9% sure who wrote this because the premise was mentioned in the Fanfic Idea Thread
I hope this isn't discouraging though to continue this story. Just because this story is lacking in this contest does not mean it is lacking as a story.
Survival horror is a big genre these days in video game culture and something that suits Grand Order considering the Servants can just be summoned again.

Alter

Spoiler:

So this was like Sorrow of the Kings but actually had good organization.
It did what most successful fics in this contest do. It writes a believable and riveting middle to some that has a beginning and an end in canon.
The topic here being, how did Saber get altered and what conclusions she reached.
Characterization and choice of players was completely on point.
A believable and complete character study of Saber in HF.
You can definitely see the influences of Ep 20 of UBW in this.

[Milbunk]

Thanks for the comments, it's always good to get more input regardless of if you are judging or not, I'm sure the writers appreciate it, I know I do.

[SpoonyViking]

Yes, it is greatly appreciated, You! I may hit you up later for suggestions, if you don't mind.

[You]

of course

[ItsaRandomUsername]

Alright, it's time for the weekend! That means it's time for some reviews, so--

oh

oh no

Well, a promise is a promise.

Alter

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Artistry: 30/30
Real solid stuff here. The transitions from topic to topic felt sudden, yet sensible, which allowed the pace to be brisk, but not off-tangent, and helped keep Saber, and probably readers, too, off-guard and uncertain of her (and their own) convictions. It imbued the 'fic with a sense of believable inevitability, that Saber's transformation was not only unavoidable, it was emotionally logical.

Characterization: 25/25
I've already kinda touched upon this in the previous category -- oopsie! -- so to clarify a bit more I quite liked how this 'fic contextualized Saber's thoughts and transformation into her altered self. It combed Fate/ lore for tidbits and characterization, put it into a blender with a hefty tablespoon of Grail mud, and flipped it on until it came together and formed a Saber Alter smoothie. This choice painted a cohesive and inter-franchise picture of Saber, and worked because of its aim at being comprehensive. This helped to negate a certain pet peeve of mine involving people using /Zero characterization and developments to inform Fate/stay night characters and developments. I'll avoid delving into rant-territory and instead say "Good job, author. You made me believe how a good girl could go bad."

Setting: 20/20
Alter is supposed to be a "missing scene" of Heaven's Feel depicting Saber's transition from blueberry into chocolate flavor, so it takes place in a mental landscape, a meta-location in the depths of the Shadow, as the corruption within the Grail whispers to Saber -- through her own thoughts and visions -- and compels her to walk the path of darkness. No qualms here. While it's not as nightmarishly nonsensical or overwhelming as it's usually shown when it's screaming grotesque trains of thought directly into Shirou's brain like in the VN, the insidiousness and self-doubt correlate with intrusive thoughts. It's a doubtlessly compelling personal hell that Saber's been condemned to.

Technical: 14/15
Slight errors here and there, nothing to write home about, but just enough to obviously deny perfection.

Uniqueness: 8/10
"Missing scene" 'fics aren't unheard of, but boy do I like them, and how it lets one's imagination run wild while at the same time forcing the author to work within certain guidelines. No qualms with that. As for one's descent into darkness, it's a topic that's visited rather frequently even within the franchise, so while it takes a hit to uniqueness for that the topic itself of "descending into darkness" is still a favorite of mine, and done compellingly enough here that it still warrants a nice, fat score for your troubles.


97/100


Concluding Thoughts:
Decisively Not-Shit/10

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Future's End

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Artistry: 25/30
Solid enough, but it lacked that personal enough touch to really stand out.

Characterization: 19/25
Sure, da Vinci's an eccentric, but she was slightly a little more hectic here than she is often characterized. Other characters, like Ritsuka and Mash and the Servants that go out with them on the mission, aren't heavily broached, but serviceable enough. Unfortunately, the 'fic's short length (i.e. incompleteness) really hurt it in all categories.

Setting: 5/20
Chaldea, and then it's...Chaldea, again. Little is done to visualize this world, and that's a shame.

Technical: 14/15
Fortunately, it reads fine, which is one of the few credits I can give this thing.

Uniqueness: 6/10
It feels like it's supposed to go somewhere, tying the almost haunted atmosphere of the Lost Room with the current issues afflicting CHALDEAS, but before any developments come of this the 'fic abruptly ends. There's potential here, but this isn't a oneshot -- it's a prologue. While this actually isn't the first time one has used a contest entry to shill their future work, see Fight/Knight, that didn't do Fight/Knight place in the contest any favors either. That said, thanks for entering anyway. If this actually is viral marketing of a sort I'll check the serial version of Future's End at some point. Maybe.


69/100


Concluding Thoughts:
This wasn't bad, it just needed more. Lots more.
Also,
>69
nice

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Heavy is the Crown

---

Artistry: 15/30
Honestly, it was dull to read. It was like a Wikipedia synopsis. I'd've given it a pass if it went further than its kinda dry introduction, but it never stopped being an introduction -- until it just stopped. Welp, that was a 'fic, I guess.

Characterization: 5/25
So there's an Isolde, so I think this is gonna be a historical-fiction thing set during Arthurian times, but nope, it's just another Isolde from some magus family. Also, there's some Emiya kid there, too. Minimal marks for actually having characters, I mean, character, singular, but not much else.

Setting: 0/20
What setting?

Technical: 15/15
I could read it and it didn't have errors. Take what you can get, I guess.

Uniqueness: 5/10
OC magus and OC Emiya kid. Even though I'm getting some flashbacks to some more unsavory parts of the fandom, I'll disregard those thoughts and be objective as possible: it's pretty unremarkable and lacks context.


40/100


Concluding Thoughts:
I imagine that everyone here wrote their 'fics for one purpose or another. The question here is: why does this exist? For whose benefit? Why via this contest? This isn't a story, it's a Fate/materials dictionary entry.

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The Modern Heroic Spirit

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Artistry: 5/30
Clunky, unrefined, amateurish -- it reads like a self-published web novel that was fed through a machine translation and then fed through it again back into English.

Characterization: 5/25
The main character feels barely there, Armstrong is shallow as a puddle, and Drake is only barely recognizable as Drake. An interesting character study could've been done here, but instead we get nothing.

Setting: 5/20
The Moon Cell. What's that? A thing. Who cares, now let's do some other stuff.

Technical: 5/15
Awkward grammar, awkward phrasing. This hurt to read.

Uniqueness: 5/10
While focusing on a doomed Master and Servant duo does have its potential, the execution was so mediocre I really don't feel good about grading it higher.


25/100


Concluding Thoughts:
A waste of time.

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The Sorrow of Kings

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Artistry: 30/30
The author has a way with words that makes it an interesting read. Word choice and sentence flow feel deliberate and hand-crafted.

Characterization: 20/25
While we do not spend much time with our northmen friends, there's still enough for us to get a decent grasp on them. Whether that makes for a compelling story or not, I'll leave that to one's own judgment (Psst! I thought it was pretty okay. I could've gone for a bit more though, to be honest).

Setting: 10/20
A more than token effort was put into the hall, so I can appreciate that and like having it as a visual. That said, it feels pretty divorced from something that's supposed to be set in the, admittedly highly diverse, Fate/ setting, and feels more like a typical historical fiction novel than anything put out by Type-MOON. In the spirit of this being a Type-MOON fanfic contest, I'm gonna have to dock it slightly for that.

Technical: 15/15
This 'fic goes down buttery smooth.

Uniqueness: 9/10
Due to the setting's nature, historical fiction set in Type-MOON is a popular enough concept, but it having a Norse focus is novel enough to grab one's initial interest. Have some points for that, but not all of them.


84/100


Concluding Thoughts:
Fuck yeah, vikings.

---

As a whole, this was disappointing. Please try harder next year, all you would-be participants.

[SpoonyViking]

While we wait for the next batch of evaluations, thanks a lot, IRUn!

[Milbunk]

Indeed, the harshness is understandable, this year overall is rather lackluster.

[alfheimwanderer]

Alter

Artistry (30 Points): 28/30

Though but an extended conversation, it was a compelling one, I must say. The flow of ideas and topics was quite smooth, with the Grail playing on Saber's insecurities quite well. We knew what the end would be, given the title, and yet, you manage to arrive at it quite naturally. More to the point, Saber, too, arrives at it.

Characterization (25 Points): 25/25

Saber was Saber, and the Grail was the Grail, albeit more in its F/Z nature than its FSN appearance. I do like the effort to reconcile characterization across the franchise, as we have seen so many faces of Saber - and so many saber faces which are not saber - of late.

Setting (20 Points): 18/20

This lies within Saber's mind of course, as the intermediary between her being swallowed by the Shadow and becoming Saber Alter - this time by her own choice, though of course, one's free will is never quite as free asone might imagine. My quibble is that the transitions from scene to scene, though effective in getting the feeling of the place across, nevertheless are quite jarring, and don't really allow me to get an impression of what a single place is like. Only that there is nothing that will give her peace, except perhaps if she takes up her burden once more.

Technical (15 Points): 13/15

It's not perfect, but hey, what is?

Uniqueness (10 Points): 8/10

I've seen missing scene fics before, and plenty of fics that detail a character's fall into the darkness. Still, its done well, and I don't think I've seen Saber as the subject of this, so my hat's off to you.

Total: 92/100

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Future's End

Artistry (30 Points): 21/30

I'll grant you that the twist at the end was decent, but honestly speaking, it wasn't...enjoyable. I didn't feel a sense of connection with the characters, the situation, or anything. Instead of being story, it was just words on a page.

Characterization (25 Points): 20/25

I guess its serviceable? The only character we get to see is Da Vinci, and even then, not too much of her.

Setting (20 Points): 4/20

So you're in Chaldea. What about it? I had some hopes when I read the very first part, but it went and turned all...bland.

Technical (15 Points): 10/15

Obviously a first draft, and incomplete, at that.

Uniqueness (10 Points): 5/10

I felt like you were trying to go somewhere with this, to do something beyond just a oneshot where nothing really pops out. At moments, there were glimmers of potential, but just as quickly, they faded.

Total: 60/100

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Heavy is the Crown

Artistry (30 Points): 2/30

There was no art in this. No sense of anything creative or daring being tried. But at least there was something that happened.

Characterization (25 Points): 2/25

You had a character who had some traits and did some things. And?

Setting (20 Points): 1/20

I can tell its the Nasuverse - maybe?

Technical (15 Points): 15/15

Well, in this one area, its better than its competitors, I suppose. How amusing.

Uniqueness (10 Points): 3/10

Unremarkable. This felt like perhaps the dry introduction or prologue to an actual story, but there was no story. Just perhaps the notes one drafted before actually sitting down to write.

Total: 23/100

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The Modern Heroic Spirit

Artistry: 0/30

I would rather go back and read "Heavy is the Crown" once more than subject myself to this again. Oh, I don't mean that the writing evoked something in me, or that it was angsty or something. At least then it would make me feel something. This isn't art. It certainly shouldn't have been submitted like this. Please, if you're going to submit something for a contest, have some dignity.

Characterization: 0/25

I wanted to like the characters. I really did. All the more so because I like space. I've met Buzz Aldrin. I consider several astronauts my friends. I started my academic career with rocket science because I wanted to be a goddamn astronaut. And instead, what is this? Have some respect for the people you're referencing - and the people you're sending your story to.

Setting: 3/20

The Moon Cell. What's that? A thing. Who cares, now let's do some other stuff.

Technical: 3/15

There's so much wrong with this I don't know where to begin. Mispellings. Incorrect word choices. Grammatical mistakes. Phrasings that made my goddamn skin crawl...

Uniqueness: 3/10

I would have loved to see the struggle of Neil Armstrong and his Master against Shinji and Drake, or in some other situation. But this...? Ugh. I'm getting some absinthe.

Total: 9/100

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The Sorrow of Kings

Artistry: 30/30

I really enjoyed this. The word choices were hypnotic, drawing me in, reminding me that even in a year where there so were so many terrible stories, that its still very much a treat to read something worthwhile.

Characterization: 15/25

From what I saw of the characters, I got a sense of...one of them? Perhaps two.

Setting: 10/20

This doesn't really feel like the Nasuverse. I liked the descriptions of the mead hall where much of this took place, and that you chose to use the Norse tribes, since they're not often referenced, as opposed to Fuyuki or Chaldea. Yet, even so, it doesn't feel like it really belongs in this competition, for all that it has potential.

Technical: 15/15

Well-written.

Uniqueness: 9/10

Once again, liked the norse focus. Pity there wasn't more.

Total: 79

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I almost decided to quit being a judge, thanks to the very disappointing turnout - both in quantity and quality. I'm debating whether or not to do so after this year. Only time will tell.

[SpoonyViking]

Yikes! Speaking strictly for myself, alfheim, I really hope you do continue. These reviews are quite valuable!

Also, thanks for reading and judging the stories!

[Dark Pulse]

Sorry I'm so late. I've just been super busy with life, other projects I'm working on, and stress. It being the last few weeks of the work season don't help, as well as the return of a certain pain in the ass who automatically makes my workdays harder merely by his presence.

But enough about that. You're not here to hear me kvetch; you're here for me to post my reviews. And so I shall.

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Alter

GOOD

• An amazingly seething Grail, with an oppressive atmosphere designed to force a King to her knees.

BAD

• It's going to be really hard for anything else to even follow this up.

UGLY

• The fields and rivers that are all choked with blood and gore.

Artistry: 30/30

Beautiful. The story moved from image to image, place to place, and all of it was very well-described. I especially liked the Camlann parts, and the way the author made use of their words - "seeped into her voice" or her reaction to "Kiritsugu." Absolutely solid visual work, use of language to enhance feeling, and shifting from place to place even felt magical. I can't really commend this any more than I already have.

Characterization: 25/25

I can't praise enough how well Saber was manipulated here. It had her read so well that every little thing she could possibly rebut it with was immediately shot down in flames. You could see and feel Arturia (Sorry, not using "Artoria" when the King was named ARTHUR, not Arthor) clashing with herself,and there was parts that desperately tried to keep hold of her, to prevent her from "desire to win above all else" from winning out – only to fail spectacularly. The Grail did its job quite well...

Setting: 17/20

While not exactly a "new" setting, at the same time, it was indeed something we haven't seen very much of – the "failure" of Saber during Heaven's Feel, essentially, in the time between when she loses to the Shadow and when she is "reborn" as Saber Alter. Personally I like these sorts of stories that fill gaps (especially when so well-written!), but at the same time, it's also not so unique in terms of setting that it can be given full marks, either. Still, hell of a lot of good shifting from place to place in her history, and making use of each and every one to provide a very specific thing for the Grail to mock her with.

Technical: 13/15

Crystal-clear writing goes throughout, with only extremely minor nitpicks. While I'm not going to dock it for being in BBCode format, I did find a misplaced apostrophe ("she still couldnt' suppress a hot flash of anger"), and whoever wrote this seems to not understand that after an ellipsis you are supposed to put a space before your next words (unless it's to stretch out a question) – this happens consistently throughout the fic. Aside from those, however, it was crystal-clear, easy to read, and broken up into nice, manageable chunks.

Uniqueness: 8/10

It's a sort of story we don't get too often, a story where yes, it's very much in the vein of vanilla things, but at the same time, filling in some gaps that otherwise exist and remain unexplored. The author did a good choice picking this for the theme of their story, even if Saber is a relatively easy choice given the bevy of people who could have interacted with her. That's not a bad thing, nor am I knocking it really – just that it made things a bit easier on the author.

Overall: 93/100

This was simply fantastic, and what a way to start this contest. The only problem is that the Opening Act just killed it – it's almost impossible for something else to give this a real follow-up. While that's not exactly a problem for this fanfic, it's almost undoubtedly going to make those which follow it seem perhaps a bit more pale in comparison than they might otherwise be. But this isn't about who goes first, per se, it's about who goes best – and I don't think you'll find much better than this, at least this year.

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Future's End

GOOD

• A story that has some intrigue...

BAD

• ...but that intrigue is the actual end of the story instead of its moment of tension.
• A fairly ugly technical error at the end of the very first page.
• Slightly dry writing.

UGLY

• The end... at the beginning.

Artistry: 20/30

Good, but not great. It's fairly hard to screw up Chaldea, but what was done here was actually done fairly well, especially with the description of Kaleidoscope washing over and the activation of the Rayshift. At the same time, however, the writing at times seemed more functional than flair – made to be good, not showy. That certainly helps for readability, but it also dries up the artistry score just a little bit.

Characterization: 20/25

This was a somewhat difficult score to give. At first I gave it 15, but I felt that was too harsh, because it does do its characters quite well, but the problem is that basically 90% of the Characterization is Da Vinci and Mashu. Atalanta and Ritsuka get some small-scale time; Lancelot, Hassan, and Altera, even less. It thus is a score that relies primarily on those two characters, of which Mashu is done well (especially in the prologue), and Da Vinci is somewhat more loosely played (a little more curiosity due to Kaleidoscope should've been called for, IMO – even if she knew of it, knowing it and seeing it are still two different things). Still, as those two don't exactly bring things down a ton, decent score.

Setting: 12/20

It's a bog-standard setting of Chaldea, though it does get a few extra points for involving Kaleidoscope to shift them to a dead version of it. Other than that, however, that's really all that's worth commenting on – the setting is otherwise pretty much unremarkable.

Technical: 12/15

It's a bit of a bad start when I can't even get to Page 2 before I get a fairly big technical goof ("It was why she had been sent to Mashu smiled as she strode toward the command booth") where it seems like the author had either forgotten to finish a thought, or went and stripped something out incompletely. Other than that it read well enough.

Uniqueness: 7/10

Kaleidoscope seems to have shunted Scooby and the Gang off to a world where they all got wiped out after all, and of course, not much could be done about it or about them surviving. It's a decent premise, but only just, since this is pretty much the natural conclusion to what happens if Chaldea fails.

Overall: 71/100

All in all this was a decent effort, but at the same time, it ends with a bit of a bombshell that is just begging to be used... and sadly isn't. That's your lot; that's the end. What I wouldn't have given to see this story run ten, or even five more pages... it ends on so many questions that it feels like it's got no clear end – even the "ending" at the beginning doesn't provide much more than even more questions. While that's a decent artistic technique, ultimately, it's tricky to pull off, and in my opinion best done right when even if that's how it ends, how it "ends" is pretty clear. This one just has too many questions, though, to really reach that level of satisfaction.

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Heavy Is The Crown

GOOD

• The courage to try a story – even if it's a flop – is something few people have.

BAD

• Two pages, and not even a thousand words.

UGLY

• Almost everything else.

Artistry: 0/30

Let's get this out of the way: This is as dry as outer space.

And as if that weren't bad enough... two pages? 871 words? Seriously?

Look, I've done some dumb things in my day, like dumping a 100k fanfic in this very contest a whole bunch of years ago (before I learned that sometimes less length is good). I understand some people would feel I'm the least-qualified person to go on about length, but simply put, this is so short it'd be considered flash fiction.

And to make flash fiction work, you need to tune each and every single word for maximum sizzle, power, and appeal – because if you're writing under a limit like that, you can't afford to write like this, at all.

Characterization: 0/25

What characterization?

No, seriously. WHAT characterization?

This reads more like a biography than a story. Yes, we get told what she does, how she thinks, what she wants. But what does she actually do? Absolutely nothing!

What I would've loved is thoughts, words, feelings in HER voice. You CAN make an appealing character in 1000 words or less – some people do it in as little as six!

But damn it, let me have her as a character – not as a subject.

Setting: 5/20

Where is this story, anyway? Obviously, part of it takes place in London, okay, and she's a royal princess of Luxembourg, so presumably there as well, but once Helen of Troy is summoned... that's pretty much it. Other than using them to further the character (one by lineage, one by ability), they are literally just name drops that could've been anywhere. Change a few names and this could've literally been any royal line, anywhere in the world.

That's not how you use a setting.

Technical: 5/15

Huge, chunky paragraphs that each take up approximately a third of a page, and writing that, while understandable, reads like the Encyclopedia Britannica. I was half-expecting a date of birth and a date of death to be at the top of the story by the time I finished this; I'm not joking.

This is the Type Moon Fanfiction Contest, not the Type Moon Encyclopedia Entry Contest. What I want when I read this is a story, not a biography. Give me a story. Give me something that lets me be interested in this setting, this tale, these characters.

It's not good enough to simply throw up some chunky paragraphs and call it a day.

Uniqueness: 5/10

It's in Luxembourg, I guess... and she fell for a Japanese bodyguard of hers, who just so happens to have the first name of a certain Fate protagonist, and needs to sort out problems caused by her parents getting killed.

And that's it! Fic's over, folks. The End, hope you enjoyed it!

Overall: 15/100

Here is a literal, one-paragraph summary of this story:

"A lonely princess of Luxembourg follows her family's tradition of magecraft, goes to London at 17, does well enough to be given a catalyst, summons a servant, falls in love with her bodyguard, then her parents die and she'll sort out the problems."

That's it. The fact that I could do that in a mere 43 words demonstrates a HUGE problem. The fact that this REVIEW is longer than the story itself is even worse!

I really don't want to try to be too hard on someone here, because of course 1) I don't know the author (at least nominally – I may very well know them... and if I do, boy do we have something to talk about), 2) I know exactly how much courage it takes to even try to write something for yourself, and 3) It takes even more courage to offer that up to people, knowing full well it could be praised or skewered.

So for that, whoever wrote this has to be commended.

Unfortunately for them, they also have to be brought back down to Earth.

I couldn't tell if this was a case of the author not knowing what they wanted to write, not having the time to write it, or both, which is my suspicion. It seems like the very basics of an idea were there, but there was neither an end in sight, nor was there time or capability to execute it – again, it reads like a biography, not a story – and that is precisely what you DON'T want to do in a fanfiction contest. Even doing an OC is a risk in and of itself, so you'd better make them endearing... and how can they be endearing when I've got less than a thousand words to form an impression on, with a story that doesn't read like a story, and with a character who I've barely even got thoughts of in my head before the story just... ends?

In short, it reads like someone's first attempt at fanfiction – a vague idea of what they're trying to write, no real sense of artistic style or pacing, and an OC to boot who, while not quite Mary Sue level, did at least bring up those sorts of vibes in the brief tastes of her that I did get. Whoever you are, you definitely deserve praise for trying – that's more than many people do – but you've got a long way to go. I hope you have the courage to try again – and I sincerely hope that if you do, that entry is considerably better-received than this one is.

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The Modern Heroic Spirit

GOOD

• SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE

BAD

• Clunky technical writing.

UGLY

• Short and inconsequential.

Artistry: 10/30

Less than stellar on the Artistry, I must put forth.

Part of this is due to the fact that the writing was rather dry and more descriptive than inventive. Part of this has to do with the fact that the writing on a technical level isn't very good. And part of it was the fact that aside from the Servant choice and the message, this is a story that could have anyone – some judicious find/replace and I could make the same story but with someone else and with a different message. Throw in a pretty paltry length of just over 1600 words, and essentially what we've got is a story that doesn't have much time to leave an impression – and it sure didn't leave a very good one with I.

That's never good if you want to break away from the swarm.

Characterization: 10/25

In terms of stellar spectra, I'd give this about a M5V. It's there, but in terms of size, it's mini.

Basically, much of the characterization is taken up by the Master who clearly is enamored with the fact that man has reached the stars and the Moon, along with a little bit of Armstrong (who really doesn't come off as anything special, admittedly). Frances Drake didn't even get a single line – she was just thrown in there to be an antagonist, and it really could've been anyone (although obviously she makes sense as the first opponent). So all that's there to score it on is generic Master and Neil Armstrong, and in terms of chemistry, it's simply dull.

Setting: 10/20

Moon Cell. That's about it. It uses it well enough, but it doesn't intend to do anything with it – it's just there. And there's nothing else to say about it, really. Simply drab.

Technical: 5/15

A black hole of technical miasma. Stuff like "humanities stagnation" instead of "humanity's stagnation," and a short time later, some awkward phrasing ("through a simple crystal lens void of all the magecraft that had died an age ago I watched those very same stars") that could've done well with an extra comma at "ago." The author seems to habitually mess up "humanities" and "humanity's." There's a case of "ones" where it should've been "one's" as it's a possessive. "Leaker" instead of "Leaked" regarding Rider, though that's more a typo than a grammatical mistake. It was otherwise okay, but this many typos... I'm pretty convinced that this was either not beta-read, not proofread, rushed like hell, or all of the above. If you'd like a higher score than this, author, you need some better juju.

Uniqueness: 7/10

The one aurora-like glitter of hope in this fic. Setting aside the question of if a modern human could even become a Heroic Spirit aside, as well as the fact that a basic criteria of a Heroic Spirit is to do something no other being could not (and as far as men who walked on the moon go, there's a dozen of those), I suppose one could make an argument that maybe if you skewer this as being the first to land on the moon (which he obviously was) then you could consider this true. But aside from that, it's still a Servant and a Master fighting in the Moon Cell – something to which this contest is not unknown.

Overall: 42/100

It pains me to score this so low, as I'm someone who's loved astronomy and space in general since at least the age of six... possibly younger. But this simply wasn't very good. In fact, it's enough to make a guy think...

Don't get me wrong – this was more of a story than Heavy Is The Crown was, but simply too much drags it down. The technical execution was pretty sloppy throughout (who's talking as they're going down the Elevator?), the story really went nowhere in terms of ambition, the actual question of if Neil Armstrong could become a Servant in the first place is a very real one going by the lore, and in the end, this was basically just a vehicle to have someone who could say "Humans can do anything because we're Human." Would there not be someone better who could meet all of those criteria? Searches for better historical figures would no doubt turn them up by the bookful.

Please, even if the premise will get dinged for lore reasons, if you're going to do something like this, go whole-hog with it. Make it more than four pages. Explore this unusual Servant choice more. Do SOMETHING with this other than "Neil Armstrong is heroic because he was human and he dared." But don't do this. Be a little more smart with what you do with this story, amigo.

Unfortunately, in a story that tried to be a supernova and go out with a bang, all that is left is a whimper of a white dwarf – one that, in the vastness is space, is but nothing more than a pixel.

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The Sorrow Of Kings

GOOD

• Excellent imagery; the writer certainly knows how to make a scene pop.

BAD

• Somewhat short; could've benefitted from some more length.

UGLY

• Twain bodies and bloody axes.

Artistry: 28/30

There was some quite strong imagery in this one – it started off smart, with a highly descriptive scene, and all throughout the author definitely took care to have details of this sort front and center. In a way it's actually kind of disappointing that this is so short, because I feel like the author could've easily made this into a nice little 10k word story or even a bit bigger, but perhaps they did not have the time or the motivation. They certainly have the skill, however, to paint a great picture for the reader.

Characterization: 22/25

Overall, pretty solid. The biggest gripe I have with this is that due to the story's somewhat short length (about 2000 words), it's a bit hard to get a deeper feel for them past what the immediate scene requires. What is done, however, is quite well done; it's paced well, it doesn't feel like it outstretches its welcome, and it captures quite well the seething that is simmering just under the cloak of civility of this meeting. I just wish there were more. If there were, and perhaps to situations not so skewed towards simple violence, this score might've gotten some extra points. As-is, it's "merely" good as opposed to great – but that's not that bad.

Setting: 10/20

While its setting is rather vividly and well-described, it's pretty much bog-standard. To be fair, as an origin story, there's not exactly other places it could have been, but that also means that it's neither particularly clever, nor does it really make use of its setting past it being "where everything happens." I don't feel I can give much more than an average score as a result; setting is simply not this story's strong suit, and the brevity of the piece means that really it can't do much more than "be there." Perhaps a lost opportunity.

Technical: 13/15

For the most part, solid. Admittedly the biggest problem I had with this is the sort of rubytext (for lack of a better word) that happens at times. This isn't the best sort of medium in which to do this, but this could've been done in a slightly better way, I think, by trying to mimic the appearance of ruby, as opposed to doing it in parentheses after the part that would be altered. That's admittedly somewhat nitpicky though – other than that, it read quite well, paragraphs came with good spacing, and nothing else really stuck out in my mind. (And if this is due to something Milbunk did, I will revise my score accordingly.)

Uniqueness: 8/10

It's fairly typical character origin story stuff, but at least it's of a character who generally gets little exposure in these sorts of contests – albeit, as an origin story, it's also not quite the version of the character that is presented. Still, that's no real reason to dock it too badly; fresh content is always welcome, and I'd be remiss to pan this one too hard, so other than losing a few points for being pretty low-hanging fruit, it's more than satisfactory.

Overall: 81/100

A pretty solid entry – despite the score, I do think higher of this than that score indicates. Basically, what brings it down a good bunch is the bog-standard Setting that really does nothing but exist, which is literally almost half of the extra points this story would be missing. The rest is minor cuts – some questionable Ruby implementation, a few points off for ending basically when it feels like it should be finished warming up, a few more for the characters not really having much more out of this than their already-defined roles, and of course, a teeny bit off for being pretty easy pickings. If this had some more meat to it, used the setting more to its advantage, and given us a bit more situations for the characters, this could've easily been high 80s or low 90s. Whoever you are, you've definitely got some talent for the stuff, but your talent is arguably being wasted on such a short-form story. You're the type who probably does better with something considerably meatier – so give Eric his deserved Epic, and I'll be the first in line to read it.

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And now that all the works have been judged and the scores all tallied, it's time to declare the winner.

Granted, this outcome was probably scarcely in doubt...

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	Dark Pulse	AlfheimWanderer	IRUN		Total	Average	First	Second	Third
Alter	93	92	97		282	94	3
Future's End	71	60	69		200	66.66			3
Heavy is the Crown	15	23	40		78	26
The Modern Heroic Spirit	42	9	25		76	25.33
The Sorrow of Kings	81	79	84		244	81.33		3
Average Judges' Score	60.4	52.6	63

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There you go, another year's contest down!

Again, sorry it took me so long to get mine up. Motivating myself to do much of anything lately is a bit of a bitch.

[You]

Good job whoever wrote Alter
you did a damn better job than ufotable and whoever wrote the script for the HF movie for that scene

[SpoonyViking]

Yeah, "Alter" definitely deserved the win. Congratulations, and take your bow, author!

I wrote "The Sorrow of Kings". I only wish I had just a bit more time to actually finish it. I promise both scenes will tie up better at the end with the "sorrow of kings" theme, although I could use some help with the transitions between them. Any suggestions for those, You?

The pseudo-ruby text is all on me, not Milbunk. I was at a bit of a loss how to convey those thoughts without expositing, and that was what I came up with.

Hm, it's the second year in a row I have trouble mixing the source materials with the Nasuverse. Which is fair, it's completely fair! I think next year I'll try writing about non-Norse characters, maybe that will help.

Thanks to all the judges! Alfheim, please don't quit!