Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Hope, Love & Legacy

  1. #1
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors shikyo21's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    1,628

    Hope, Love & Legacy

    "My name is Olga Marie Animusphere. If you are receiving this message then you have been chosen to be a master. I-I'm begging you to reconsider. My father is waging war against Vandal Savage with armies of heroic spirits at their beck and call. When the association finally get their act together, there will be nothing left in New Chaldea including yourself!"

    "If you have any ounce of humanity left in you, please join my fight to bring both of them to justice and put an end to this death matches! You want money? Fame? Power? I can give it all to you!"

    "Find me. And when all of this is over, you will be recognized as this country's savior."

    "I want YOU for Justice League Chaldea."

  2. #2
    Not always a dragon Draconic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Not where I wanna be
    Age
    26
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    2,951
    US Friend Code
    194,434,580 - IGN Ritsuka
    Blog Entries
    18

    Exclamation

    There are a bunch of grammatical errors, which is shocking with how short this piece is, and what you do have does very little in the way of establishing a plot. Who is Olga writing to? Is she talking to them? Is it some sort of hologram? Is that even going to be explained? Is it even important? Am I to assume that the Association has been AUed into some foreign nation?

    Or, to summarize the multitude of other questions I have in one statement: I honestly have no idea what I just read, forget not understanding what she's talking about.

    Also, what would inferiority-complex ridden Olga Marie think she has that her father doesn't?

    Furthermore, Marisbury is known to be a rather laid back, friendly sort of guy. He wouldn't wage a full scale war with anyone.

    Overall, I just don't know what this is. It needs to have some sort of exposition, or it's not going to go anywhere. Fix this please.

    - - - Updated - - -

    And I just realized that my review is longer than the fic itself. If you do actually have a story to tell, you're going to need to expand on this. A lot.
    Likes attention, shiny objects, and... a ball of yarn?

    I joined two years too late...
    Quote Originally Posted by Hymn of Ragnarok View Post
    That makes me think of Rin as a loan shark.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hymn of Ragnarok View Post
    Admittedly, she'd probably be the hottest loan shark you'll ever meet. She'd probably make you smile as she sucked you dry.


    Oh dear, that doesn't sound like yuri at all.
    Quote Originally Posted by Techlet View Post
    Not with that attitude.

  3. #3
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors shikyo21's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    1,628
    Thanks for the review!

    Had a smile on my face for the entire day after reading it. Knowing that my writing right now have problems means that I got a chance to improve and do better for next time.

    That being said, what I wrote above shouldn't be considered a fic or even a snippet. I did it to let people know this exists. Would I incorporate it later in an actual story? Most likely.

    The next update would take a longer time because I need to make preparations beforehand (assuming I can get it done by the end of the year anyway). I have to at least complete one story before January 2019.

    About what HL2 is all about, what do you want to know?
    Last edited by shikyo21; February 5th, 2018 at 10:34 AM.

  4. #4
    Not always a dragon Draconic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Not where I wanna be
    Age
    26
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    2,951
    US Friend Code
    194,434,580 - IGN Ritsuka
    Blog Entries
    18
    Nothing, really. I'm not invested in it. It needs to be expanded on before it's actually worth attention. I mean, I've got a bunch of great scenes that I've written, but even if they're 10k words, they're meaningless without context. I'll have to wait until I get there. If this is something that you plan on incorporating into something bigger, I can only suggest you wait until that thing's ready before posting anything.
    Likes attention, shiny objects, and... a ball of yarn?

    I joined two years too late...
    Quote Originally Posted by Hymn of Ragnarok View Post
    That makes me think of Rin as a loan shark.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hymn of Ragnarok View Post
    Admittedly, she'd probably be the hottest loan shark you'll ever meet. She'd probably make you smile as she sucked you dry.


    Oh dear, that doesn't sound like yuri at all.
    Quote Originally Posted by Techlet View Post
    Not with that attitude.

  5. #5
    Jester of the Moon Cell's Sovereign Kieran's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    According to most, my own little world
    Age
    38
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    7,506
    Blog Entries
    193
    Quote Originally Posted by shikyo21 View Post
    "My name is Olga Marie Animusphere. If you are receiving this message then you have been chosen to be a master. I-I'm begging you to reconsider. My father is waging war against Vandal Savage with armies of heroic spirits at their beck and call. When the association finally get their act together, there will be nothing left in New Chaldea including yourself!"

    "If you have any ounce of humanity left in you, please join my fight to bring both of them to justice and put an end to this death matches! You want money? Fame? Power? I can give it all to you!"

    "Find me. And when all of this is over, you will be recognized as this country's savior."

    "I want YOU for Justice League Chaldea."
    . . . Vandal Savage?!

    Hoo, boy - this would almost be worth reading just for a Savage/Gilgamesh confrontation; the ego clash alone . . . *Shakes head*

    In any case, while it is short (basically more of a descriptive blurb than an actual prologue), and you would need to do a lot of world-building, depending on the version of DC in use (the Arrowverse would probably be easiest, if less fun for the lowered power levels), you have my curiosity. The potential involved (like Solomon and Herakles being among of the empowering forces of Shazam/Captain Marvel) is definitely intriguing.

    Let's see where you can take things from here.
    “Love will be cruel to who it entices — love will have its sacrifices.”

    — Carmilla Theme




    "Evil isn't the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as Evil, maybe more so, and it's a hell of a lot more common. What we really need is a crusade against Stupid. That might actually make a difference."

    ―Jim Butcher, Vignette

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •