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Thread: fate/inter-night

  1. #1
    Romance Expert amado's Avatar
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    fate/inter-night

    my very first fic so I hope this one goes well.

    disclaimer: I dont own any of type-moon characters.
    though im not sure if I have to write that here....

    chapter 1

    "Rin, why don't you be more honest about Sakura?"

    "W-what!? I don't know what your talking about, Ayako."

    Ayako watched with amusement as Rin started turning red. "Don't think I cant see it, Rin. I've seen you looking at her whenever you're "visiting" the archery club", she said. Ayako took a sip of her tea while Rin was squirming in her seat.

    They were drinking near the archery club. The building served a nice cool shade as the two girls were sitting and having some conversation going about. Ayako was still in her archery gear while Rin was wearing her uniform. She watched as Rin tried to come up with an excuse before giving up with a sigh.

    "I'm a bit worried about her," Rin admitted. She was looking elsewhere now, avoiding eye contact. "She's always withdrawn and then there's Shinji..."

    Ayako sighed at the last part. Shinji was, as far as she knew, the main reason Sakura was usually like that. How she would like to kick him off the club but Sakura would insist to keep him in. She said it would make Shinji even worse than he is right now and Ayako had to grudgingly agree. He's likely to blame it on Sakura too, and the abuse she guessed would get worse.

    Even Emiya couldn't stand that...

    "Then why don't you go talk to her?". She put a hand on Rin's shoulder. "I'm sure she'd feel better if she had more friends."

    Rin, to Ayako's surprise, shook her head. "It's not that simple."

    Ayako tried to speak but Rin cut her off, "Sorry but it's something private that I cant talk about it anymore than that, Ayako," she said in a curt tone.

    Rin finished up her tea then picked up her stuff to leave, while Ayako was stunned at Rin's cold attitude. This rarely happened when both of them talked, as both of them take off their serious facades whenever they're together. Even when they were talking about some of the guys, specifically Emiya, Rin never cut her off when she tried probing about those stuff. Ayako watched as Rin disappeared back into the school building.

    "Hmm... I wonder if I can do something for them?", Ayako said to herself. She considered chasing after Rin but decided against it since she already had a head start and would likely be more resistant than earlier.

    Ayako tried finding her later after class but she seemed to have left already. She gave up and headed home instead. After walking for a few minutes, she thought up of an alternative way of finding out this problem.

    "Since you're going to be like that, Rin, I'll try Sakura tomorrow."

    -------------


    It was monday morning. The sun was shining brightly but the temperature was still cool thanks to the remains of winter. Some of the trees, that were shriveled up during winter, are finally sprouting some leaves. The birds are starting to come out of their nests and other small animals were waking up as spring descended upon them.


    Ayako stopped for a while and watched as a bird flew out of its nest and returned with a worm in its beak. A normal girl might have been grossed out at the scene but Ayako wasn't your ordinary girl.


    She stood there for a while longer before moving on to head for school. The air was cool but the girl didn't seem to mind it as she neither rushed like some people nor wore any warmer clothes. Just her own uniform and bag.


    'It sort of feels like today will be good,' Ayako thought. 'Hopefully this means that I'll be successful in this.'


    The "talk" she had with Rin yesterday didn't end in the way she expected it to be. It bothered her how much Rin reacted about it. She initially just wanted to tease her about it, even suggest that Rin might have given up on their bet and gone after girls instead. What she got made her feel guilty, but not enough to deter her from trying to help one of her close friends.


    'There's definitely some sort of relationship those two have. The way she looks at Sakura is a bit too protective to be "just worried"', Ayako thought. 'Maybe they were childhood friends and were forced apart due to a conflict between their parents?'


    Rin was her closest friend, despite both of them having little contact. So it was natural for her to start noticing that her friend was occasionally looking at a certain purple head. Since Rin usually tries to avoid other peoples company and being involved with anyone, Ayako was able to tell that this seemingly small attention to someone meant a lot more than it looks.

    Once Ayako reached the school gate, she started thinking about how to help Rin. While she only kept the tough exterior to keep off boys who were only interested about her looks, she sensed that Rin held a bigger weight on her shoulders and that she was a bit unhappy about her life. She could only do as much since she wasn't "girly" enough to get closer to her while Rin herself barely showed any signs of opening up to her. So, as Ayako mused, it would be better to help her friend with someone who was probably a childhood friend of hers.

    "Now then, how do I set up those two together?"

    _________________________________________________

    Ayako finally found Sakura, who was at the cafeteria in a lone table.

    "Hey there, Sakura," Ayako greeted the girl awkwardly. This was the first time she talked to her, outside of Rin starting the conversation before.

    "Ah, h-hello as well, Mitsuzuri-senpai", Sakura replied. She started rising but Ayako gestured for her to sit down. Ayako could see the girl fidgeting a bit and she had a look of confusion in her eyes. "Um is there something you need of me?"

    "Oh, well, there's someone I want to ask you about. Is that ok for you, Sakura?" Ayako inquired.

    "Well... as long as you're not going to ask about Nii-san again..." Sakura trailed off. The girl then started twitching a bit when she said that, likely nervous if she did ask that.

    "Oh don't worry about that. I'm not asking about Shinji", Ayako reassured her. 'Well, I don't need to ask that about him anymore anyways.'

    "Then who do you want to know about?" Even after that reassurance though, Sakura still seamed to squirm in her seat.
    "Well it's about Tohsaka-", Ayako immediately cut herself off.The reaction from Sakura's was even more surprising then Rin, heck this was the first time Ayako got this reaction from anybody. While she may not know much about the girl, this was way beyond what she expected.

    Sakura's eyes bulged so wide that it seemed like they were gonna pop out. She quickly clutched her skirt with such ferocity that it looked like her knuckles were showing. The most surprising was the hiss that slipped from her mouth. It was low enough that no one else heard, but from Ayako's place she could hear it. This was the first time she'd heard someone hiss!

    However, this lasted like only a moment and Sakura seemed to be back to normal. She loosened her grip and her eyes returned to being distant. It was so quick that Ayako might have imagined it but somewhere in her mind she knew she saw something.

    "Ah, Tohsaka-senpai? I don't really know anything about her though she does seem to know me."

    Sakura quickly stood up, picked up her lunch, and walked away in an eerily similar way to Rin's exit yesterday. Ayako stared at her in disbelief until she started noticing that the the nearby tables were looking at her. She also quickly stood up and walked out of the cafeteria.

    'Looks like this will be tougher than I thought.'
    Last edited by amado; November 9th, 2011 at 08:40 AM.

  2. #2
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors shiningphoenix's Avatar
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    Replace <br> with \n
    Quote Originally Posted by Tobias View Post
    two drinks and an aphrodisiac away from assaulting an appropriately shaped piece of furniture?
    Quote Originally Posted by Dullahan View Post
    "What does 'masturbate' mean? 'cause it's pretty obviously not a real word."

  3. #3
    Romance Expert amado's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shiningphoenix View Post
    Replace <br> with \n
    ah that was because of an error(apparently, I was signed out when I finished writing this).

  4. #4
    Little short for a chapter (or even a prologue). So maybe try to put more stuff together at once unless you have a specific reason you want a chapter that short.

  5. #5
    Romance Expert amado's Avatar
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    ah my mom wanted me to get off...

  6. #6
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors shiningphoenix's Avatar
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    Sometimes a few words can make all the difference... In this case, "get to the"

    Quote Originally Posted by amado View Post
    ah my mom wanted me to get off...
    Quote Originally Posted by Tobias View Post
    two drinks and an aphrodisiac away from assaulting an appropriately shaped piece of furniture?
    Quote Originally Posted by Dullahan View Post
    "What does 'masturbate' mean? 'cause it's pretty obviously not a real word."

  7. #7
    Vlovle Bloble's Avatar
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    *sees new fic*



    *misspelled you're*

    :l

    *recalls Grammar Nazi heritage*

    :I

    Hey amado, if you want or need a beta, I could proofread your stuff for you. I'm not exactly on Gauss' level, but I should be able to catch some things.

  8. #8
    Dark Lord of the 7th 2ndsly's Avatar
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    This,
    Has a Lot of potential. And I can't find anything fundamentally wrong with it.


    I'll be watching this one.





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    I'm sorry to say I've found I can't RP. I just can't trust myself to stick around long enough.


  9. #9
    Romance Expert amado's Avatar
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    ok guys. ive got two ways of going next.
    should I include the grail war in this or just have it Ayako being matchmaker helpful?

    and I can appreciate some good idea please.

  10. #10
    Dark Lord of the 7th 2ndsly's Avatar
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    meh,
    It could work either way. It depends on how far you want Ayako to go down the rabbithole.
    I personally like full disclosure. Let her know exactly where she stands. There's more story portental there.

    On the other hand. If you really want to focus in on the Sisters, Ayako, and Shiro; it would be better to not.


    It would be fully possible to end this story before the 5th War and make that a sequel.
    Allows you to sidestep Sakura's current condition while also making the same information More painful when discovered later.





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  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2ndsly View Post
    It would be fully possible to end this story before the 5th War and make that a sequel.
    Allows you to sidestep Sakura's current condition while also making the same information More painful when discovered later.
    It depends whether he wants to write a sequel, really. Honestly I don't see any logical reason to stop half-way through the story solely for the sake of some drama which will be there regardless of whether he does that. The only difference will be whether Rin discovers in chapter 5 of 10 in this story or chapter 1 of 5 in the sequel....

    Personally, I think that the Grail War is necessary to really resolve the situation, unless Rin somehow finds out about and saves Sakura beforehand. Otherwise the story will always be incomplete, since the actual issues around Sakura's relationship with Rin will not be resolved.

  12. #12
    Dark Lord of the 7th 2ndsly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mike1984 View Post
    It depends whether he wants to write a sequel, really. Honestly I don't see any logical reason to stop half-way through the story solely for the sake of some drama which will be there regardless of whether he does that. The only difference will be whether Rin discovers in chapter 5 of 10 in this story or chapter 1 of 5 in the sequel....
    My point being that it's his first fic. The grail war makes things escalate to a level he might not want to in a first fic.
    But such escalation might be a good challenge for him after he finishes his first. This part is largely up to him. A larger more ambitious first project, or a lesser one with possible follow up.

    Personally, I think that the Grail War is necessary to really resolve the situation, unless Rin somehow finds out about and saves Sakura beforehand. Otherwise the story will always be incomplete, since the actual issues around Sakura's relationship with Rin will not be resolved.
    True. But she Can be save in this story before the Grail War. Jew of heart healing anyone? It's his choice.





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  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2ndsly View Post
    My point being that it's his first fic. The grail war makes things escalate to a level he might not want to in a first fic.
    But such escalation might be a good challenge for him after he finishes his first. This part is largely up to him. A larger more ambitious first project, or a lesser one with possible follow up.
    Well, it depends on his intention. IMO this fic needs to end with Sakura being saved, because otherwise there's no real "closure" at the end, but how exactly he goes about that is very much up to how he wants to plot to progress.

    True. But she Can be save in this story before the Grail War. Jew of heart healing anyone? It's his choice.
    Well, yes, true.

  14. #14
    Can't catch a break Zer0light's Avatar
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    nice story. this will make for an interesting read.

    on another note, how are things at the MFA?

    "Red like roses fills my dreams and brings me to the place you rest."

  15. #15
    call me... senpai deviatesfish's Avatar
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    Hey, this is interesting.

    If you want a proof reader in Bloble, just send a rough copy to him and make him do magic.

  16. #16
    Romance Expert amado's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zer0light View Post
    nice story. this will make for an interesting read.

    on another note, how are things at the MFA?
    well things are pretty calm.

    one of the mods are putting up a thread for threads that need moderation/closing.
    and I got my 2nd infraction...

  17. #17
    call me... senpai deviatesfish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amado View Post
    I got my 2nd infraction...

  18. #18
    Can't catch a break Zer0light's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amado View Post
    well things are pretty calm.

    one of the mods are putting up a thread for threads that need moderation/closing.
    and I got my 2nd infraction...
    ouch, well be careful those mods are retards. wont even let you call someone an idiot even if they say something stupid enough to make even brain dead ppl facepalm.

    "Red like roses fills my dreams and brings me to the place you rest."

  19. #19
    The only Saber Clone that matters Ace's Avatar
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    Nice story you have here. How many months is this before the 5th Grail War?

  20. #20
    Vlovle Bloble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by deviatesfish View Post
    Hey, this is interesting.

    If you want a proof reader in Bloble, just send a rough copy to him and make him do magic.
    Indeed. Give me the rough chapter with all the mistakes in the world, and I shall eliminate all of them with certainty, returning a polished gem ready to be admired by everyone!

    Also, nice chapter. It's quite a bit longer too, which is always good.

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