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Thread: Chronicles of Psychological Abuse - Memoirs of a Jail

  1. #1
    屍食鬼 Ghoul purple_teardrops's Avatar
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    Cheap diary

    I wonder if Kohaku and Myu's Shirou along with square-eyed Rider fans will post a few of their misadventures here too...

    Well, while i few that i should post this (and i'll likely get posted on some random comments thread still to come) on a more private and diary-like space, guess i just wanna feel like venting off, both about successes and failures, wounds and blaring trumpets of victory.

    Returned a while ago from a 'meeting' with the local private jail's (ops, i meant rehab facility) staff. I had requested the meeting, in a way. Think i needed the answer on whether somebody was an asshole or not, which was given, and though i'm not regretting it fully, losh, what a pain in the chest of an answer. Tell me, if psychological abuse and violence can't be placed as the same as physical violence, then why is my heart chakra, you know, the one in the middle of the chest (about three fingers up from the top of chestbone) screaming in pain? Feels like i took quite a few punches in there... Not pleasant.

    I'm sure the animals that did that feel as though they're the best for doing it. I think it has to do with inversion of roles, when somebody was once mistreated, and due to that, feels both sick at its former self, the vulnerable one, and feels worship-like admiration of the one that mistreats... Worships the one that mistreats. Feels great at stepping someone down, after all, there's no way to climb a ladder towards the safety of the top of the hierarchy without stomping a ladder step down... The duality of the Mars-influenced mind... The way the Child gets killed and asphyxiated to death and the Distorted-Commonplace-Adult becomes... But i digress...

    The place's coordinator is a complete narcissist, unable to admit mistakes, and more than likely to throw any guilt for its (sic; purposeful) mistakes on top of the person who actually suffered from such mistakes. The asshole grabbed my cash and bought a few things i didn't ask for, and even though the twerp was wrong in doing so, all it could do was threaten me, say it would "cut out my priviledges", like a place to stay alone in the emphasis brainwash facility and internet use.

    Tried to make me feel as though i was the guilty one. I think everyone here should get internet, but hell, the fucktard made sure to make me feel as though i was receiving something that was like magical, when it fact it should be given to everyone.

    Then the local therapist (oh wtf) kept saying how special i was for being given attention by a complete idiot of a narcissist, and how i should apologize and admit my mistakes... The defining points of my mistakes being that I didn't simply say that 'duRr MashTaA WuZ RiTE" or something just as submissively stupid, but then again, what can i do but anticipate the moves of egoholics?

    At first at expected the guy to act like a human being. When i realized that all of its human-like behaviours at first were just attempts at trying to make me see it as someone friendly, and thus someone i should attach to. I realized the game, and thus i started lying outright, saying what they wanted to hear, answers filled with fake shame and regret...
    I shall always be honest to true human beings. Once i realized what i thought was someone and instead turns out to be an it, a humonkey, carte blanche hits the table, no guilt is felt for dirty behaviour on my part.

    I decided to lie to them and manipulate them as well. Since i had a very accurate blueprint of their behaviour, archetypes and driving forces included... Their behaviours were suddenly 100% predictable. Oppa Eltnam Style, shall it be said. I can't say i felt somewhat revenged, but seriously... They were the ones falling into my game, and not the other way around. And i felt like i could take that further... They could become my playthings, now that i have their personality layouts.

    I think this might be a stupid way to try to grant myself solace; the sadness for being mistreated is still here. Part of me feels sorry for those people, their personalities, their palaces, their chains of psychological functions is utterly broken; it doesn't stand on its own, and if those personalities don't receive stimuli, like praisal, ass-licking, admiration, submission to its authorities... Those personalities will fall apart; they're constructs built upon their inner childlish selves, things that mutilated beings create to fill the void while still denying their own true selves...

    But still, what could be done? The abuse was predicted, the abuse was preproduced before it was reproduced in reality, while the center of the chest still hurts...
    Still, i can't help but wonder... How those animals roam freely in society? How could society be mostly composed by such animals?

    Their foggy mirrors can't stand being wrong, in a way because their past interactions made sure that they came to illogically hate being wrong, despise, deny being wrong like the wounded animals they still are...

    And now i'm a wounded animal too. Thankfully, i know how to lick my wounds, and truly, my loving shadow still accompanies me. In a way, those that replace the mirror image of the self, i believe, with the artificial collecitve of individuals that isn't collective at all, but still, tries to pretend to be goddeity, are empty, having sacrificed their selves in exchange for... What, cheap stimuli, instead of choosing the long dark lonesome road?

    Guess those that choose violence and stepping on others to climb the hierarchy instead of choosing harmony are doomed to experience far more pain than they realize. I shall not hate them, especially because, given that to such creatures, nothing is worst than becoming nothing in their insignificance, because although they don't admit it, they can't truly accept that they mean nothing, because they do want to be something... To have a voice, to be heard... Which most of those who seek balance soon find out that isn't something that commonly happens...

    And thus, here i am, still being abused, with assholes trying to convince me that the scraps of bread i can gather from the table are gold nuggets, so that they might become the all-important people they in the end wished to be.

    Poor them, i guess.
    As for me, i think this is way past long, and i doubt most will read. Guess i shall try to lick my wounds now...
    Last edited by purple_teardrops; Yesterday at 03:53 PM.
    "...when the last moon is cast over the last over the last star of morning
    and the future is past without even the last desperate warning..."

    How fake could a palace be? How true could a palace be? 'Which is more fake, the real fake or the fake real?'

  2. #2
    屍食鬼 Ghoul purple_teardrops's Avatar
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    Trying to explain a bit of what happened, the brainwash facility staff tried some outright gaslighting with me. I actually predicted they'd do it, and i actually taped the entire thing. Started lying halfway thru the encounter when i noticed they were trying to manipulate me.

    All i can say is that it's almost funny to look at their attempts at breaking my personality. It's bizarre to listen to how they distorted everything i said and how they even went as far a labelling themselves as dirty names and them blaming me for it. I feel like crying, somewhat, but i'm still thinking about how bizarre it was. Holy fuck... It's a bizarre thing to notice they were trying all they could to somehow make me emotionally linked to a narcissist and manipulative crazy guy.

    Gaslighting, attempts at creating artificial bonds... Bunch of theatrical attempts at getting someone off balance, in order to manipulate others with more ease... Groce. Bizarre. Disgusting. It was all completely groce. Oh well, this is humanity, i guess.
    "...when the last moon is cast over the last over the last star of morning
    and the future is past without even the last desperate warning..."

    How fake could a palace be? How true could a palace be? 'Which is more fake, the real fake or the fake real?'

  3. #3
    屍食鬼 Ghoul purple_teardrops's Avatar
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    I sometimes wonder whether you're a mere coincidence or whether you're actually trying to reach out. Part of me would actually think it would be interesting, were you truly trying to reach out to me, and while i wish i could say that an opposition to such feeling was true, i don't think such side exists anymore... To put it bluntly, i'm living a stupid life filled with drugs like coffee and sugar, which just make me feel as though i'm hollowly carrying on, while i await for the results of another possibility... And of other possibilities...

    I somehow feel a strange longing, the origin of which i fail to know... As of today, i think that although i hate the place i'm locked in, i've been learning about what i have and what i still can... I feel hollow, the powers a certain drug has granted me seem to be fading away after months... I still mantain certain capabilities, but they're not as big as before... I wonder what's going on on the other side... I still hear voices... I think i've heard them throughout my life... They're just... Hard to discern from thoughts that come from within, instead of being thoughts that came from without...

    Think i long for the intimacy that only girls might share, that strange intimacy born of sharing secrets and memories... I feel that i can't share that illusionary intimacy born from performing physical deeds together... I guess i want that strange comfort that comes from the womb, the one of rest... It reminds me of the last pictures from the Saber route in F/SN... When Artoria just... lies down, you know... and stops thinking about what should and shouldn't be done, instead being driven by a pure feeling... It's not about building or fightings, it's merely about being...

    The buddha's concept of non-self... He (she? Who'd know [somebody claimed to know on the other side, but refuses to reveal. Oh well. ] by now...)... It's hard to understand that, because if one thinks about it, it's hard to define in relative terms what the non-self is unless someone defines the self... Is the self the act of not being, is it the act of being without actually trying to adjust what one is, or is it a complete lack of existence, like certain radicals claim? Nietzche himself (himself... Losh i hate this, stupid language continues to insist on defining everything according to what genitals one carries, that's so cave-like) commented that buddhism tends to try to overly deny one's own existence...

    What if such denial was actually born from a perverted religion applied unto others to turn them into slaves? Much like christianitty has been turned, from a religion of love of forgiveness (and a warning not to defy the effing romans, of course) to the religion of the desert storm god of war, losh knows how twisted the current version is...

    But what about me? I'm just empty, i guess... 'Thank god', claimed a spirit... I don't want to feel empty and sated, though... I guess i want to admit what i truly feel... But how could i do it if i never trusted anyone for long? Are we truly talking through evasive messages? Are you truly trying to impress me?

    And besides, and in the end... Who cares? Are we just killing time? Because i don't know, like i said in the beginning, if this is a mere huge set of coincidences, or whether you're aware, conscious, not one of Kirakishou's enslaved masters, and ironically a daring rich person with nothing else to spend money on except trying to save a foreigner about whom you dream though you don't feel comfortable about it? Are you the black-haired person that actually showed up in my dreams a while back? You yourself showed that we'd probably throw morals on the garbage can on our first encounter, anyway...

    Although it might just have been your dream. As well as mine, in a way... I've dreamed of someone with whom to share everything for years. They claim that that is what love is truly about... Because once you manage to share everything with someone, you manage to truly exist... But you can never let go of the person with whom you shared, for in a way, you depend on that person to exist, for existing requires a medium or many media in order to take place...

    We don't die when we can't be... We simply freeze ourselves and rot away...
    I am rotting away...
    Save me...


    Or at least, save yourself, should you be able to.

    -
    "...when the last moon is cast over the last over the last star of morning
    and the future is past without even the last desperate warning..."

    How fake could a palace be? How true could a palace be? 'Which is more fake, the real fake or the fake real?'

  4. #4
    屍食鬼 Ghoul purple_teardrops's Avatar
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    Who am I joking to...? You're not even real.
    You're just a stupid desire of mine that'll never come true. Guess i'll feel hollow for the rest of my stupid life, missing that strange and beautiful womb of many dreams... And here, in this stupid earth, i'll continue to forever pretend i am able to be when i'm not.

    No one is whole. All of us are hollow. Guess that's what nibbana turns out to be... Acceptance that we shall always be hollow, and instead of fighting it, simply lying down and giving up on being. You're not real, nor you shall ever be. Someone could challenge such statement.... But who am i fooling? The chance of a miracle happening is exactly what haunts all humans, the fact that they don't realize that maybe it's time to simply accept that such limbs have long since been cut off.

    I so wish you were real, i so wish someone could save me... But i guess that it's time to simply allow myself to die, my emotions shall be denied till time itself ends, they can't come out.
    Guess i'll just lay down and wait for sleep to wipe me away, and with any luck, i will die in my sleep without even trying to induce such outcome. Oh, be still my beating heart, stop torturing me you stupid... No dolls of hope happen on the unwound world, we just rot away slowly, to death...
    "...when the last moon is cast over the last over the last star of morning
    and the future is past without even the last desperate warning..."

    How fake could a palace be? How true could a palace be? 'Which is more fake, the real fake or the fake real?'

  5. #5
    Days active since last arbitrary ban: Lost count and hope it stays that way Deathhappens's Avatar
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    Not to be negative, but you can post blogs on your profile (somewhere, not sure exactly how it works). No need to make a thread for it if you don't expect anyone to contribute.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Though on that note I will reiterate that you could actually make something out of this if you decided to take writing classes.
    Quote Originally Posted by I3uster View Post
    It's like with centaur girls, you're fucking a horse. Sure the human part is the one that moans but your dick is in the horse, no way around it.
    Quote Originally Posted by You View Post
    boytoy angst > fulfilling life of misanthropic extremist environmentalism
    Once and always and nevermore.

  6. #6
    屍食鬼 Ghoul purple_teardrops's Avatar
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    I think it is wiser to stop replying to your messages. I'm feeling as though i'm talking to someone overtaken by either a rather provocative intent, a humongous problem of selective reading, or, well, both.
    "...when the last moon is cast over the last over the last star of morning
    and the future is past without even the last desperate warning..."

    How fake could a palace be? How true could a palace be? 'Which is more fake, the real fake or the fake real?'

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