Sorry for delaying the release of this chapter. I was at my college orientation and had no real chance to post. I appreciate the time you guys take to read it, as well as any comments you give.
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Gilgamesh tries his Hand at Judging
Kotomine said something absurd after breakfast today. We were sipping our respective drinks after a surprisingly mild meal courtesy of Caren. That priest who never ceases to torment us said something that truly interested me. A rare moment of goodwill from an evil man, as he would say.
"Gilgamesh, later today Fuyuki City is holding its annual beauty pageant at the city hall. We were short on judges so I volunteered you. Is that alright?"
I tried to remain calm. This was excellent news, excellent news indeed! I did not even know that Fuyuki held a contest such as this. Who was participating? How much was the prize worth? Why did Kotomine say "We"?
Of course, I would not let any of this excitement show on my face. "Your offer is acceptable Kotomine. However, what do you mean by 'we'?"
Kotomine smiled a bit, though his eyes remained cold as ice. "The position of organizer became suddenly empty, so I volunteered."
I shook my head and stared at him with thin eyes. "That leaves another question. Why would you want to run a beauty pageant? It seems like something that would disgust you. Too many cheerful people."
This time Kotomine's smile was genuine, and I'm ashamed to say I felt terrified for the poor girls entering the pageant. There was excitement in his voice as he said, "But Gilgamesh, do you not realize? When there can only be one winner, the anguish of the dozens of failures is delicious."
"That's quite. . ." I didn't know what to say, so "childish" would have to do. Yes, I understand the irony of that statement. Let me tell you this mongrels, I may be arrogant, but I'm not dense! I act like a fool because it is more fun to play the fool! Are you not entertained by me? Is that not why you're here? Why am I even ranting? Who could possibly hear it?
"Petty as it may be," said Kotomine, "It is my only pleasure. The suffering will be terrible to behold."
"What is the grand prize for this contest?" I asked. Perhaps I could adjust the settings a bit if they did not suit me.
"One million yen," said the priest.
A dish fell to the floor in the kitchen, and shattered into innumerable pieces. As I explained very carefully that I was in no way going to clean it up, Caren began to shake. She wrung the towel in her hand like it was the neck of a bird and gritted her teeth. Both Kotomine and I stopped to stare for a moment, and were started when she spun around and began to shout.
"Father! Why didn't you tell me this! The church could use any money we can get!"
"Oi, oi" I said, trying to calm her, "Why don't you do that thing at the chicken far-"
She waved her arms wildly, "Because that's boring! I need to prepare!"
She ran out of the kitchen, leaving the dishes unfinished and me wondering why she is so out of character today. Kotomine meanwhile, did not react to the utter change in personality that his daughter had suffered. Was it the prospect of showing off her beauty? It certainly hope it wasn't the money.
"Kotomine, I need to go to the city hall. You'll forgive me if I leave the dishes to you."
"I suppose I will. That is, of course, God's will," Kotomine stood up and put an apron on over his priest robes. What an odd sight, I thought as I left the house. I haven't worn boxers to the breakfast table in more than a month. Caren thinks she's won, but little does she know I'm planning a surprise assault. What will she do when all of her clothes disappear from her wardrobe, leaving only her underwear behind! What a wonderful trick, is it not? And before you get any ideas, it's not because I want to see her in her underwear! That would be ridiculous.
I sprinted out the door, calling my armor and Vimana at the same time. There was no time to lose. My golden craft took me to the heavens, where I looked down upon Fuyuki while seated on a throne fit for a god. It streaked down to stop in front of Fuyuki city hall, where dozens of bystanders watched me disembark. A few police officers stood nearby, but thought better about starting something.
I entered the City Hall, past the audience members waiting to take their seats and through the back rooms. No one was stupid enough to stop the man in a full suit of golden armor. The roster of contestants was the first thing I saw. It certainly brightened my day, in fact I'm pretty sure a few of the event staff heard my "squee" of excitement. It was not my proudest moment, I'll admit. I accosted a few members of the staff there, and after a bit of convincing (I threatened to injure the men, I charmed the women) I made an 'adjustment' to the prizes offered.
Kotomine arrived soon after, and he escorted me to the judges room, where we five would wait before going on stage.
"Lancer! What are you doing here?" I demanded to know.
The blue haired Irishman glared at me. "It's none of your business Goldie. I can go where I please!"
I ground my teeth. "Do not think for a second that you will steal the women's attention away from me, mongrel."
Lancer laughed, "You're too focused, King of Heroes. The truly beautiful ones will simply fall through your grasp. I have an agenda you see. I'll approach the winner, and sing her the song of my people. Maybe I'll take off my shirt! Women love me, and my hot blooded personality!"
By the end of his speech, I was ignoring him and looking at the other members of the panel. Another blue haired man, though more like a boy,Matou Shinji sat on a stool with an eager look on his face. How pathetic, the boy was drooling with anticipation.
"Gilgamesh, I didn't expect to see you here," said the other Archer, that Counterfeit. I scowled, but he did not seem to be confrontational. Perhaps he knew the honor that awaited us. In any case, I chose to overlook him in favor of our final judge, a computer with a webcam.
"Excuse me," I said, pointing, "What is this?"
Archer shrugged, "Don't ask me. They just wheeled it in here. No one has any idea what it is."
A few moments later, a girl wearing a staff shirt came in, "Judges please prepare to move to the stage. It's time to begin."
We followed her out of the room in single file and walked up a flight of stairs. Suddenly, bright lights flashed before us and we were bombarded with the cheering of fans. Was I that popular? Of course I am! There was a table set up for us at one side of the stage, I was in the middle, with Archer to my right and the Matou boy to my left. The computer took the right flank and Lancer was on the left. That dog was waving at the women in the audience.
Speaking under the screams around us, I said, "Take the leftovers Lancer. The true women will be mine!"
Before he could respond, the lights dimmed and Kirei stepped onto the stage carrying a microphone. Before your imaginations begin racing, he was wearing his priest uniform as usual. There was no way he would dress extravagantly for such an event. It would not be like him at all.
"Welcome everyone, to the 10th annual Fuyuki City Beauty Pageant. I am your host, Kotomine Kirei. Before I introduce our contestants, I'd like to present our judges for this evening."
He pointed at Lancer, "Forgive his lecherous appearance, for he is Cu Chulainn."
Lancer closed his eyes and began to wave, "Thank you, tha-LECHEROUS?"
Kotomine continued, "Our next judge is the truly perverted Matou Shinji!"
His name was accompanied by a chorus of women screaming "Shinji-kun!" It was truly disgusting. Anything the blue haired kid had to say was drowned out by the noise. Kotomine passed over me to announce the next judge.
"Our next judge is Archer. He is truly skilled at telling fake from original."
Archer and I both laughed at that. Were we getting along? I couldn't have that, and elbowed him hard in the ribs. There, now we were back to glaring at each other. It's a wonderful rivalry we share.
"Next we have…" Kotomine looked questioningly at the webcam. He didn't seem to have a clue either. With his hand outstretched, Kotomine waited as a staff member quietly turned on the computer and connected it to a speaker. Then a voice was broadcast through the auditorium.
"Yes yes! Straight from Ryudou Temple, this is Assassin!"
I looked over at the computer screen, and sure enough, Sasaki Kojirou was visible. He seemed to be on the temple steps, dressed in casual clothes. I said to him, "You truly are dedicated mongrel, if you wish to judge from there."
"No flower can escape my grasp, King of Heroes. My dating technique, Return of the Flower, will capture a woman's heart simultaneously from three different directions."
Despite my arrogance, even I recognized the impressiveness of that technique. Finally I was announced. The cheering was less than I had expected, but it was still glorious. It is certainly good to know that my subjects still love me.
"Kotomine!" shouted Lancer, "Enough with Gilgamesh. The pretty boy can look at himself in the mirror another time. Show us the contestants!"
"Lancer is eager," said Kotomine as he turned to the audience, "and I suspect everyone is. Let us present the fine women competing here today."
They came by in a flash. There were at least two dozen, though only a few caught my eye. Saber naturally was stunning in her radiance. Even without the shapely body possessed by the more feminine contestants, she was truly the brightest star on stage. Not that others did not impress of course. Ilya Von Einzbern was there, wearing a lovely white dress. Berserker screamed his approval from the back of the auditorium. The Tohsaka girl was also there, and my my, she had a crowd. Finally Caren stood out. It was strange for her to be dressed up, but even though she was relatively unknown she received her share of the support from the audience.
Then Kotomine announced the prizes. With a smile, he said, "The second runner up wins a year's supply of restaurant coupons."
Saber pumped her fists, and I heard that Shirou shout from the audience, "Don't sell yourself short Saber!"
Kotomine continued, "The first runner up wins one million yen."
The surprise there was excellent to behold. The contestants were shocked, and whispered to each other in hushed voices. As far as they knew, that was the grand prize. What, oh what, could possibly be better than that? I certainly had a good idea, and only one woman would win it.
Before Kotomine announced the grand prize, he locked eyes with me. I returned his steely gaze with a thumbs up. Then he continued, "The grand prize is a date, with the one and only King of Heroes, Gilgamesh of Uruk!"
Saber froze and went pale. Shaking, she turned around to stare at me. I gave her a smile in response. "You are mine this time Saber!" I shouted. Nearby, Archer and Rin's eyes met. They agreed in that instant, she must win second place. Caren was also desperate to win the money. This was truly getting interesting.
Before the pageant could begin, I walked to the middle of the stage. "Kotomine," I shouted, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear, "How many women get to be in the finals?"
"Three, then the judges simply have to choose who gets first, second and third," said Kotomine, "Are you planning on speeding things up?"
"Of course I am," I laughed. "The King of Heroes says this! Caren, Tohsaka Rin, and Saber of course. You three are in the finals. Everyone else, go home."
Ilya nearly tackled me, but tripped on her dress. In a moment of compassion I caught her before she hit the ground. Am I not magnanimous? She didn't care however, and began screaming.
"How could you not pick me Goldie?"
"Listen homunculus, this is a contest for grown women. Children cannot hope to win."
She pouted and said, "I'm eighteen though."
"But you look like an eight year old. It makes Lancer uncomfortable."
I half-expected the Gae Bolg to fly past my head, but Lancer only glowered at me. Ilya was displeased but she left quietly and sat with Berserker and that Emiya boy in the audience. Now I had to deal with the other women. A group of them stormed up to me, demanding to know how I immediately knew that they weren't finals material.
"It is very simple," I replied, "My friend Enkidu is more beautiful than you."
The leader of the group, a girl that was far too heavily made up for my tastes, was taken aback, but indignantly said, "This Enkidu girl must be pretty hot if she's better looking than us."
I smiled and shook my head with closed eyes. "You misunderstand. Enkidu is a man. Women who are defeated in a test of beauty by a man have no chance at winning this contest. Not while I judge!"
That it was it for them. A few fainted, and the leader turned red in the face. Did they realize their inferiority? Most definitely. As I returned to my seat, I looked over the expressions that the three finalists wore. Rin and Caren seemed focused; both prepared to shoot for second place. Saber was sweated and seemed almost frightened. There was no escaping her fate. She would go on a date with me. It was inevitable.
Kotomine stepped over to our table as the final contestants posed for the audience. He handed us cards that we would use to write our choices for first, second, and third place. There could be no collaboration between the judges, it was blind. My choices were easy. Saber would win the grand prize, Caren the second (even if she annoys me, I should throw her a bone once in a while), and Tohsaka would get the coupons. The black haired girl glanced once at both Archer and Lancer. The two both responded with curt nods. Perhaps this would go in my favor after all. Saber stared at me with fearful eyes, and I showed off my best smile. I was nearly sparkling with happiness. After we finished marking (and after Assassin emailed his form in) Kotomine collected them and returned to the microphone.
"Without further ado, or any more interruptions, I will announce the winners. Our second runner up is . . . the Servant Saber!"
"WHAT?" I shouted, slamming my fist into the table hard enough to dent it. Saber was nearly crying with joy, and Emiya was shouting that they'd eat well tonight. How could this be? Who could have voted her anything other than first place? Could it be that they did not see her beauty as I did? No, they had ulterior motives. Archer and Lancer were giggling (Yes, the stoic Archer was literally giggling with pleasure). How could they do this to me? Kotomine would not let me kill them however. He read on.
"I might as well skip the runner up and move straight to the grand prize winner," he read through the cards that we used and laughed. "How fun. Our grand prize winner is . . ."
Tohsaka was calm, but Caren was praying. She must be desperate to get that money for the church. Or was she desperate not to have to go on a date with me?
"Caren Ortensia!" announced Kotomine.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" my shout and Caren's came out simultaneously. Tohsaka's shout of victory was next, and she high fived Saber. Archer and Lancer joined them and they ran off stage. They planned it all. All the posturing, everything. Saber would get the coupons, Tohsaka would get the money, and no one would go hungry for years (well, weeks with Saber's appetite). I could not believe it. It was absolutely impossible. How could they have arranged this? Did they plan on me changing the grand prize? Did they bribe the Matou boy and Assassin? Was I so damned predictable?
I stood slowly and walked to Caren as the crowds began to leave. She was on her knees, not in prayer, but in anguish. I thought for a moment that I could see tears forming, but they never fell. "Caren, if it means anything, we can just say we went on a date. I do not wish to suffer either."
She glared at me, but before she could reply, her father cut in and placed a plastic crown on her head (off center too. It was really sad). "No. You will go on a date. And you will both hate it. I live for moments like these."
The happiness in his voice was terrifying. The thought that he would torture his own daugh-wait a minute. A date with me is not torture!
"If that is what you wish Kotomine, I will give her the date any woman dreams for. The King of Heroes that rule Heaven and Earth will not back down from such a challenge!"
Dear, her glare was terrifying then. I decided to go for a walk. I'd need to avoid her for a while. It's a good thing that Kotomine did not specify when the date was. Ten years from now sounds good.