Gilgamesh Tries his Hand At

[Augustine]

So this was a story I originally started posting on Fanfiction.net. While I continue to post there, I figured I might as well share with other people who enjoy Fate/Stay Night.

Consider this story a first-person Carnival Phantasm and you won't be far off. I think I'll post one chapter a day until we reach the current chapter.

Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Baseball

As far as I was concerned, it had been a perfect day. There was not a cloud in the sky, and the sea breeze was nice and cool. I had crossed the bridge into that little slum called Miyamachou at noon. Even a King needs his exercise, but it is best to get away from the crowds. Kotomine had slinked off at some point. Knowing him, he had probably gone to that Chinese restaurant of his, and was now devouring bowl after bowl of that dreaded mapo tofu. How does he eat that stuff, much less enjoy it? It was as though that Chinese chef had harnessed the flames of Ishtar's wrath itself! I own Noble Phantasms less deadly; in fact, I probably have the origin of that particular platter somewhere in my treasury. I grinned, thinking of that. Perhaps I'll rummage through some time and find that particular Phantasm; nothing would make me happier than seeing that Faker's face when he gets hit by a bowl of magic tofu. Well, maybe a few things, but not many.

It was about two in the afternoon when I passed the riverside park. At this point, I was looking over my shoulder every minute. I was in enemy territory. Not that I was in danger, there is no one in heaven or earth that could harm me, but being spotted by my queen would be embarrassing considering my state of dress. Seriously Kotomine? A Hawaiian shirt? Ever since that Tohsaka girl left for London, I must have become his new chew toy. I'd protest openly, but I don't want to be kicked out. I've said before how I hate giving stuff away, and paying for an apartment would be troublesome to say the least. You would think that as a king I'd be recognized, but I was nearly stabbed the last time I tried to claim something without paying. That damn Dog is protective of his flowers.

These thoughts dominated my mind as I walked the artificial riverbank. The sounds of the ocean were becoming more and more apparent, and the troublesome thoughts were beginning to melt away. Out here, no one could bother me. I closed my eyes and listened to the bird calls. I had taken ten steps with my eyes shut (and only tripped once, I hope no one saw that) when a small bundle hit my leg and stuck to it fast. I opened an eye lazily. There, wrapped around my left leg, was a boy no older than twelve. He was wearing some sort of white uniform with vertical stripes, with an odd, billed hat.

"What is this?" I asked, more amused than angry. My charisma is magnetic, you could say (I laughed inwardly at that, I crack me up). The boy looked up at me with eyes on the verge of tears. It was then that I noticed the two others standing behind him.

"Hey mister," said the one trying to wrestle my leg into submission, "you look strong. You're strong right?"

I chuckled. "Of course boy, you look upon a King!" I raised my arm with a flourish, and subtly tried to kick the boy off. He was covered in dirt, that disgusting, and these are new shorts.

"Then do you think you could help us win?" said one of the other boys. He was wielding some sort of club made out of wood. Ah, that was it! These boys were in a battle.

"Where is the battlefield? And who is the enemy?" I was getting riled up. Kotomine keeps me from fighting a lot nowadays, citing "excessive damage to the city and church property", lazy bastard.

"Down there," said the boy with the club. He pointed at a field of grass and clay on the opposite side of the bank. Lines of chalk marked out a diamond on the clay portion of the field, and more children with the same uniform stood at the ready, each carrying some sort of glove on their hand. I spotted the enemy then as well. Hiding in bunkers at the edge of the diamond, the purple interlopers had armed themselves with clubs identical to the one carried by the boy near me. The white uniformed soldiers were outnumbered, and had the disadvantage when it came to weapons. Finally I managed to shake the boy off.

"I'll help you mongrel. Does this battle have parameters?"

The boy quickly described the rules of war, which he called "base ball", an odd name. This was highly ritualized, much more so than the battle for the Grail. One army was "at bat", while the other was "at field". Each army had specialized soldiers, but they could only attack one at a time, and it involved hitting a ball with one of those clubs.

After the explanation, I asked, "But how do we kill them?" A minor question if you ask me, but the boy looked at me as though I were a god, which is two thirds true by the way. He answered shakily, saying we didn't get to kill them. What kind of war is this?

The boys tugged at my legs, and I slowly followed them down the bank. Looking up at the scoreboard, no doubt hastily constructed by a mongrel craftsman, I saw that the white clad soldiers, the Sharks, were losing to the purple Panthers by almost fifteen points. It was the last 'inning' as well. This could not be allowed.

"Come on mister!" shouted one of the boys, "it's time for us to bat."

I nodded lazily and walked to the bunker where the Sharks were entrenched. On my way however, my ears caught sound of a familiar laughter. I spun on my heel, locking eyes on my quarry.

"Homunculus of Einzbern!" I shouted "Is this travesty your doing?"

The girl laughed. She was half my size, but her red eyes never wavered. "Silly! It's just a game. I'll let you play if you want, because Sella and Leysritt are filling in for some of our players."

I should have known. That girl had planted elite units. Her maids (also homunculi, but easier on the eyes if you ask me) were strong fighters, more than a match for these boys. With stiff shoulders I strode into the dusty bunker, where the other soldiers sat with looks of imminent defeat on their young faces.

"Hmph, you children are lucky today," I said as I opened my treasury. Out of the golden Gate, twelve iron clubs dropped out and clattered onto the concrete floor. They looked similar to the ones the boys wielded, but those clubs did not provide a 200% AGI boost.

"Take these treasures," I said with open arms. "Let us crush those mongrels! How dare they oppose us!"

Ahh, the look on that girl's face. I didn't even need to take the field myself when my subjects were armed with E rank Noble Phantasms. Every single ball that was thrown was sent over the fence, and in ten minutes, the Panthers had been overtaken by a more worthy team. Eventually, I decided enough was enough, and returned the weapons to my treasury. Soon, the other team had earned their allotted 'outs' and my subjects were forced to take the field again.

On a whim, I decided to join them. As I walked out of the bunker, or dugout as they called it, the Einzbern girl stormed up to me.

"Using Noble Phantasms is against the rules!" she screeched. "That's cheating."

I laughed heartily at that, silly girl. "And what of your meat puppets? Are they 'cheating'?"

She fell silent, muttering something about the rulebook being incomplete. Then she jumped back a few feet and raised her hand into the air. "Fine," she shouted, "If that's how you want to play, come on out Berserker!"

The ground shook as the giant manifested. For some reason, the boys around me did not flee screaming at the sight of Heracles. Perhaps this wasn't uncommon. Humorously, the giant was clad in the same purple uniform and cap, and held a comically sized club between two of his fingers. Some rules, it seemed, could not be broken. He stood outside of the Panthers' bunker, waiting his turn to bat.

I decided to observe from left field. The boy there was happy to give up his position to the only true king. The difference in skill became apparent. Even without Berserker, the Einzbern girl's team was much better than the Sharks. They were skilled enough to keep the balls away from left field, and by extension, me. Not to mention, every time Berserker went up, he broke the sound barrier with his swing. Soon a pile of shattered wood surrounded home plate, the remains of dozens of broken bats. The score began creeping closer and closer to a tie. These Sharks truly were weak, but they called out to their liege and as a just ruler, I must help when undying loyalty is pledged. The score was tied, and there was only one course of action for a true Hero King.

As one of the homunculi maids stepped up to bat, I walked to the mound, taking the ball from the pitcher. "Let a King handle this, child," I said. Three pitches later, and the well dressed maid sulked back to her bunker. The other maid was next, and though she gave me more trouble than the one before, I can throw with a speed of two hundred miles an hour. This was not a battle between humans, no. The footsteps of an angry god rang out as Berserker took the batter's box. This game would be decided now, as a battle between Heroic Spirits, not that a mindless beast like Berserker could compare to me however.

I threw my first pitch low, trying to get under his guard. He swung, and the force of air buffeted me, spraying clay in all directions and messing up my hair (it took twenty minutes to get it to settle this morning you bastard!). As expected from me however, he was unable to stop it. My next pitch, he grazed, and though the ball flew into the stratosphere, it was deemed a foul by the terrified umpire. It would come down to this final toss.

Berserker howled as one of the maid's handed it another bat. The crowd had long since left, and most of the children had taken cover. I grinned, and opened my treasury. Portal after portal opened behind me, and from each, a sphere hung in mid air. Berserker roared, and in its insanity, it may have realized my intentions. Of course, that mongrel could not hope to counter this. Each of these spheres was the first of their kind, the catalyst for the creation of hundreds of sports throughout the ages. I chopped my hand forward, and hundreds of my 'weapons' shot towards the batter's box, controlled by my will. That fool! Berserker could not hope to stop them. Every pitched passed his guard. Even if he managed to hit the balls, the force of the impact shattered the bat in his hand, while my weapon continued onward. By the end of it, the benches behind home plate had been annihilated by a storm of magical sports equipment, and the rest of the field destroyed by Berserker in his rage. It wasn't any of my concern. Leave it for mongrels to clean, it was a King's duty to protect his honor and then leave when victory was established. And besides, listening to the Einzbern girl scream at me is not my idea of a good time, so I ran before she decided to sic Berserker on me. It was nightfall when I returned to the church on the hill. With nary a nod to Kotomine, I stumbled into my room and fell asleep. Doing a King's job was certainly tiring, but it felt good occasionally.




Tell me what you all think. I hope you enjoyed it. I'll also end up posting my other Fate/Stay Night fic around here as well. Look out for it too.

[Lianru]

This is hilarious. It just...sounds a bit un-Gil-like. As to be expected, though, he's playing baseball.

[Augustine]

Its more Carnival Phantasm Gil than F/SN Gil. I don't want him to try to commit genocide every chapter. In the same way, Kotomine and Caren are more trolls than sadists.

That said, I had the same complaints made about this chapter. Perhaps the next you will find better.

[Tiresias]

I remember this. Will we finally see CarenxGilgamesh date?

[Augustine]

I cannot confirm, nor deny, that you will see it.

[eddyak]

This is amazing.

[Augustine]

I'm glad you think so. I consider this my weakest chapter, so hopefully you'll continue to enjoy it. I will probably post my other fic in twenty minutes or so. Its about a 180 from this. Definitely not a comedy.

[The Silver Sky]

I quite enjoyed it and eagerly await moar!

[NewAgeOfPower]

We've spoken on FF. New chapter yet?

[Augustine]

@NewAgeOfPower: Yeah, 8 went up a few days ago. Good talking to you.

I'm also glad so many of you like it. Without further ado, here is chapter 2.

Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Grocery Shopping

"So, it's settled. Gilgamesh will get the groceries for tonight."

The sadistic daughter of Kotomine said it so casually. The three of us, the bitch, the father, and me, sat in the dining area of the church, enjoying a nice lunch. Kotomine is a better cook than he looks. He can make most meals edible, some delicious (though I would never admit it). Despite that, he usually insists on eating food that I despise. Perhaps because of my protests, we eat that dreaded tofu at least once a week.

I slammed my fist in the table for dramatic effect. "Kotomine! Why was I not informed of this beforehand?"

The priest raised a napkin to his lips. Casually he answered with, "Caren has brought it to my attention that you laze around all day. As a priest, I cannot allow sloth to exist in my own home." It was only for a moment, but I caught sight of a dark smile hidden from view behind the napkin.

Sloth? How dare she! I locked my eyes on that troublesome girl. Her golden eyes glittered evilly in response to my glare. After a moment, she stood and turned her back to me. As she cleared the table (taking my unfinished wine in the process), she said "Well Gilgamesh, you can either shop or stay and do the chores here. What will it be?"

I sighed audibly. There was no arguing with her, and her father never sided with me. For some reason, I feel like an inferior in this house. I stood, pushing back my chair with a slight scraping noise. "Very well, I will fetch your groceries. It is good for a King to examine his own stock once in a while."

With a nod, Kotomine passed me a list scrawled on a torn piece of paper. I skimmed it and felt a drop of sweat tracing its way down my (perfect) cheek. I couldn't read any of it. It seems Kotomine's healing magic had a side effect on his handwriting. A mundane doctor could not rival his scribbles. I opened my mouth to protest, possibly to ask for a new list, written by Caren (though she might write it in German to spite me). Before the words could leave my lips a flash of inspiration hit me. Why would I buy what they want, and subject myself to a meal that could be distasteful at the very least? No, as a King, I would make my own decision today.

I left the pair behind and went to my room to change clothes. Rather, I went to my room to dress in the first place. In fact, my state of dress in the dining room may have led to my current predicament. Kotomine didn't mind it, mainly because I did it all the time, but Miss Caren obviously disliked my penchant for wearing boxers, and only boxers, to the dining table. No doubt that was the reason I was being sent on this meaningless errand. I opened the closet and put on a nice white tee shirt and a pair of jeans. I could dress flashy, but the station front near the bridge was enemy territory as well. As I left the church I slipped on a pair of running shoes. Then I made my way down the hill, towards town.

It was nearing three when I reached the station. The noon crowds were beginning to disperse and the night crowd had yet to arrive, leaving me content to deal with very few mongrels. Still, the Verde shopping center was packed with people. I made my way through the crowds, pushing through shoppers laden with bags and others trying to advance, same as I. In the very depths of the shopping center was a supermarket. With its wide windows and bright, cold light, it was the epitome of everything I hated about the world. Everything inside was so cut and dry. Prices were right on the food, and cold air was continuously pumped in through vents. I remember how shopping was done in Uruk. Even as a King who owned everything, haggling with merchants in the bazaars was a highlight of the day. Seeing the defeat on the enemy's face when he realizes that he can no longer steal your hard earned (or in my case, taken) gold. That is how shopping should be done, not this clinical nonsense.

I regained my posture and entered the restaurant. The sliding glass door moved aside automatically with a hiss and I grabbed a basket from where they laid in a stack near the counters. I walked up to one of the employees, a young girl no older than seventeen and said, "Maiden, as my subject I order you, direct me to the finest of meats and wines!"

She looked surprised for a moment, but eventually pointed me towards the back of the store. Without further interruptions, I made it to the store's excuse for a butcher. With steely eyes, he glared at me across the metal counter, before asking for my order.

"Four of the finest beef cuts you possess!" I demanded. "And do not cheat me, I will see through any trickery! The wrath of King Gilgamesh is not pleasant to behold!"

"R-right," he said, more annoyed than impressed it seemed. He went to the back room to ensure my food was prepared properly. It took far too long, though I suppose I did not ask for expedience. When I returned, he found me tapping my foot angrily. With a glare, I accepted my package and made off for the winery.

There, surrounded by other shoppers, I nearly lost my temper. I gritted my teeth as I stared at the hideous brands of wine stocked here. It was truly pathetic, and not at all worthy of being consumed by me. Even the wine that Kotomine drinks is better than this cheap swill. Even the wine the Conqueror prefers would be of higher quality. A true man of taste would never drink such a lousy selection, but alas, I had no choice. I didn't want to be drinking soda with dinner. With fading reluctance, I reach into one of the cases and choose a pair of bottles. These would have to do. I do not like to drink the wine held in my treasury, save for special occasions.

After grabbing a few snack foods, I made my way to the cash register. A line was beginning to form, and I could see that the woman running the register was the same girl that I had accosted upon entering. Four minutes passed before I reached the front of the line.

"Thank you for shopping with us sir, that will be 10,115 yen." She said after ringing up the items. I nodded with closed eyes and reached into my pocket for the money Kotomine gave me for the food. It was then that I realized. Kotomine never gave me any money for food . . . bastard. I only had the change that I put in these pants the last time I wore them, a total of two hundred and four yen.

I put both hands on the counter and quickly said, "10,115? Is that not a little much? Surely you could go as low as 8,000?" Inwardly I cursed. Yes, I was getting the bartering I so desired, but in such an embarrassing way. Unfortunately, no shopkeeper would take gold from the Gate. I had no choice.

"Ehh?" said the girl. "I-I'm sorry sir. I'm j-just not sure I can do that."

Good, she's wavering, time to nail her. "Come now, a smart girl like you should be able to see the true worth of these items. I would even go so far to say that they are worth less than 7,000 yen combined!"

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a long line beginning to form behind me. I had to work quickly, despite my Kingship; the people of this city did not recognize their true ruler. The girl looked frightened now. True, I was trying to rob her, but it wasn't like I would hurt her.

"I'm sorry sir, I really can't. It's my first week and I could get in a lot of trouble. Please just pay the original price."

Shit. She might have me beat. WHY? Shouldn't my A+ charisma be working? I had to keep trying. "I would girl, I truly would, but on my honor I cannot allow myself to pay for such commodities. They may be worth much to mongrels like you, but for a King, it would be a travesty."

"Then you can just return the items and leave." Said a heavyset man who suddenly appeared behind the cashier. Dammit, it seems this is the manager. I gritted my teeth as I prepared a counter argument. Suddenly, I felt massive murderous intent behind me. Time seemed to slow as I heard the sound of a blade tearing through air. Without turning, I dodged to the side, narrowly avoiding the stroke. The counter was not so lucky, and the cashier girl nearly fainted as the register split in two, spewing coins in all directions. I took two steps back and drew a sword from my treasury (Gram, if anyone cares). Then I saw my opponent.

Bent over at the waist, the cute King of Knights panted with fury, oblivious to the orange haired boy trying desperately to calm her down. She turned to me, raising her invisible blade, wreathed in air.

"How dare you!" She shouted. "Your delays prevent Shirou from cooking! It's a long walk home!"

She crossed the distance between us in a single step, swinging her sword in a horizontal strike. I blocked, only barely, and Gram was torn from my grip. It hit a shelf filled with canned foods and utterly demolished it.

"Ahh, your anger is adorable Saber!" I shouted as I drew another blade, while simultaneously returning Gram to my treasury. "Perhaps I could cook for you one day, and you could enjoy the hospitality of a true man?"

Before I could taunt again, she had attacked. The sword in my grip shattered from the impact of her overhand strike, and I was forced to dodge the next two. By now, the crowd was in a panic, and every blow that Saber launched only managed to destroy more of the store. With the bag of groceries still in my hand, I was at a great disadvantage to the fully armed and armored King of Knights. I needed to escape with my food intact.

"Fine Saber! If you wish to fight, I will allow for some light entertainment!" I opened my Gate and shot Gae Dearg at her. Hit by an upward swing of Excalibur, the spear flew into the ceiling, raining dust all around us. Taking advantage of the confusion, I sprinted for the doors. Then I heard two terrible words.

"STRIKE AIR!" I felt a tremendous gust of air (as expected from something with air in the name), and was thrown forwards through the glass doors. The shattered panes did little to harm me, but I needed to take care to avoid damage to the groceries. I rolled upon impact with the cobblestone ground outside, and rose quickly to my feet. Only then did I notice the damage Saber's actual attack did to me. My shirt was cut to ribbons and the skin beneath sliced plainly. I dripped noble blood from dozens of minor wounds. There was no time to gawk though. Out of the billowing dust, the small warrior king pursued me. How lovely she is, even when she seeks my head. People were beginning to crowd around, trying to catch a glimpse of the fighting.

"Gilgamesh, take this!" she shouted. How adorable. A blade from the Gate moved to block Excalibur, and I decided to take my leave. Using the treasury to distract Saber, I began to run, holding the grocery bag in one arm. Then, in my moment of triumph, I turned at called out to her.

"As expected from you, Saber, unable to stop me even when I am distracted." The words died in my throat. Unhindered by my treasures, she was weaving her way towards me, her golden blade held at the ready in front of her. I cursed. This was no time to be running. A challenge must be met head on, even if I was starting to get really hungry. I called my armor, and as the golden dust began to form around me, Saber raised her blade and shouted out.

"EX-"

My eyes widened. I would never be able to take a direct hit from Excalibur if my armor was not fully formed, and it would take at least five more seconds. Added to that the fact that I was also trying to carry groceries, and I realized that I would not be able to summon another item from the Gate of Babylon to stop the attack.

In desperation I yelled, "SABER!"

As my cry began, hers finished with "-CALIBUR!"

The Sword of Promised Victory let out a great wave of golden light, nearly as brilliant and beautiful as me. As it blasted towards me, tearing up the cobblestone walkway and trashing the lovely landscaping, I could see my death reflected in it. Numerous realities flashed before my eyes. Killed by Excalibur when my Ea was rendered useless, shot in the head by that Faker, torn to pieces by the mere shadow of a monster. Yet of all of them, this was the most pathetic. Why should I die during a grocery run? Is this how my legend will end? Great King Gilgamesh laid low by the supermarket patron. I cringe at the thought. That horror had fully ensnared my mind as the wave of light enveloped me.

Then I awoke. I immediately moved to confirm that I wasn't dead. My body was in one piece it seemed, and though by clothes had been destroyed, I was quickly able to garb myself with clothes from the Gate. Now dressed in a loose grey robe, I stood and examined my surroundings. It was late, nearly midnight. I had been lying on a bench at the station front. I immediately started wondering about how many people saw a naked blond man sleeping in public, and didn't bother to do anything. Did they think I was drunk or something? Was everyone so apathetic? Then I remembered the groceries. Frantically, I looked all around the bench, but they were nowhere to be found. Then my eyes spotted a loose sheet of paper wrapped around one of the bench legs.

I eased it off the leg and read the words written there.

Saber destroyed the supermarket and nearly killed you. Since we couldn't buy anything, she insisted on taking your groceries as a reward. I'm really sorry. I swear I'll make it up to you and Kotomine. From, Emiya Shirou.

I crushed the paper in my hand. Giving Saber, my future wife, the food is one thing. But sharing it with him? It was an outrage. How dare he attempt to make it up to me? I'll take the high road in this confrontation, and simply never speak to him again! Yes! That was a good plan. He would be humiliated!

As I affirmed my own superiority, I made my way towards the church on the hill. The lights were out, and as I made my way to the living quarters, I moved silently as to not wake Kotomine or Caren. Naturally, neither cared about what had happened to me. My stomach growled, and a wave of mind numbing hunger hit me Despite the fact that I went to the store because we didn't have any food, I made my way to the kitchen. Maybe I could drink a bottle of ketchup or something. As disgusting as it sounded, I was starving, and a true King does what others dare not. I stepped into the dark room, silent save for the sound of my bare feet on the tile. I flipped the light switch and covered my eyes to shut out the sudden brightness. Turning on the lights so suddenly sounded like a better idea in my head.

The contrast decreased and I could see once more. Taped to the refrigerator was a sticky note. Unlike the writing before, it was clear and in Japanese, obviously written by Caren.

Father went to another store when you didn't return quick enough. There is leftover tofu in a bowl. We left plenty for you.

Suddenly I realized that going to bed hungry was a preferable punishment.

[Augustine]

Here is chapter 3 everybody! Sorry I wasn't able to post yesterday. I was on a day trip across state.

Gilgamesh tries his Hand at Jogging

At six in the morning I was woken by the sound of movement in the kitchen. I rolled over in my bed, trying to shut out the noise and return to slumber. This wasn't my idea of a good morning. Normally I slept until ten at the very least. A King needs his beauty sleep after all. I'm not a morning person, especially when somebody is waking me up through their own carelessness. I thought for a moment. Who the hell could it be out there? Kotomine rarely rose early, so it must be Caren. Unless of course Lancer had showed up, as he was wont to do. If that Dog was responsible for this, he would spend a week trapped in Enkidu, I swear it. I rolled onto my stomach and pressed my pillow over my head. It did little to shut out the noise, and only made me angrier. I climbed out of bed, clad only in my silk boxers (fit for a King you could say) and opened the door to my room.

The hall was still dark, but ahead I could see a light in the entrance. It was a rule in the house that lights needed to be off when no one was in a room. Though it was a rule I regularly broke (I make the rules), no one else would dare disregard it. My fatigue had fully turned to annoyance and anger as I rounded the corner. There, Caren Ortensia, that mischievous girl, crouched in the entrance way, tying a pair of running shoes. She was dressed in a tight, long sleeved shirt and a pair of sweat pants. It irritated me how much I was staring at her chest. They weren't even that big! She did a double take, her eyes moving from my face to my abs to my boxers and back in rapid succession. Wait, was that a double take or possibly the fabled triple take? Ho ho! I could see where this was going. As her face turned an adorable shade of red, I put my hands on my hips and posed.

"Gilgamesh! You are in the house of God, please put some clothes on!"

I was surprised. She didn't stammer at all. I smiled at her and said, with little obvious annoyance, "You brought this on yourself girl. You woke me with your careless efforts."

She stood, shaking, though with anger or embarrassment I couldn't tell. "Dress yourself, Gilgamesh," She said, "you are coming with me."

"Oh no, not this time you vile girl. I've had enough of you ordering me around. I, Gilgamesh, fifth King of Uruk, am above your petty authority."

She frowned at me. I warn her not to do that. Her face will wrinkle more when she ages, but naturally she never listens to me. After a moment, she speaks once more. "As a King you may be above my authority, but you are not above God the Father's."

Before I can even begin to say that I don't follow her religion, she continues, "And I do not care that you do not believe in God. His house, his rules, or would you like to live on the street again."

Shit, she got me. As I've said before, living alone is more trouble than it's worth. Having Kotomine and Caren around are helpful, even if they're both sadists. Though inwardly beaten, I resolved not to show it on my face. Calmly, I said, "I suppose I can humor you. What do you ask of your King?"

She grinned, and I could tell immediately that she saw right through my act. "I am going for a jog. As a helpless woman, I require an escort."

Helpless? That woman was in absolutely no danger. If she was kidnapped, it would take no more than twenty minutes before her assailants turned themselves into the police from of sheer terror, or worse, guilt. She was supremely skilled at evoking responses from men, so unless the robbers were jealous women, she should be fine.

"Caren," I said, "Let's not keep up false pretenses. You do not truly believe I am dumb enough to believe that?"

I saw a flash in her eyes. Was it fear at being discovered? Possibly anger? Regardless, her next words were calm, almost apologetic. "Very well. Would you accompany me on my run, Archer?"

It's odd, most Masters call their Servants by their true name when they wish to be familiar, but when she calls me "Archer" it's usually with more affection than normal (which raises my relationship value with Caren to a grand total of zero affection). I was torn. As you can probably tell, I dislike conversation with Caren. She's cruel, petty and quite savage when given the chance. However, even as the King above all men, it's difficult to refuse her when she acts like that.

So, begrudgingly I said, "Very well woman. I will join you." I returned to my room and opened my closet. After Saber ripped up my clothes a week ago, I took it upon myself to purchase backup pairs of all my favorite attire (from Caren's pocket I might add). I put on a tight white shirt made of flexible cloth, as well as long pants and my favorite black jacket. The days where one must look fine while exercising had long passed, but I kept the tradition alive.

I returned to the entrance and was greeted with a small smile from Caren. Oh yes, something was up. She certainly had ulterior motives. Those thoughts and more ran through my head, but as the one true Hero King, I paid them no heed. There was nothing to worry about. We left the church out the back and circled around to the entrance. It was Sunday, and the first services would start in an hour. In a whisper, Caren told me the route. We would run north, halfway to the bridge before turning around, taking the road that circles the hill, for a total of four miles.

I shrugged at her. Such a distance was nothing to me, but it would be pleasing to see her sweat and pant. She began running down the hill, at an absurdly slow pace. Perhaps this was my perspective though, not everyone has the physique of a god, or the power of a heroic spirit. So I followed her silently, enjoying the scenery as we went. Call me sentimental, but I love nature. Cities today tend to be smog enshrouded hellholes, but Fuyuki wasn't horrible. Birds sang in the trees that lined the road, and the sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon. It was truly beautiful; I am not ashamed to say.

Caren was a surprisingly good runner. She moved with short strides, but was filled with energy. Her breaths were timed well, and she pumped her arms with the right amount of strength. I hate to admit it, but she must be quite fit. Of course, she was not even near my level. I could run for hours at a full sprint and not tire, or fight for days at a time. Despite that, I admired her efforts. After thirty minutes, we took an odd turn, and began following a winding road down a hill towards the river. On our left was the road and then the hill, and on the right was a sheer drop into a wooded area, blocked only by a small railing.

We continued down this winding road for a few minutes before a felt a few presences closing in. Silently, I grabbed Caren's shoulder, bringing her to a stop. She looked up at me with a blank look on her face, as if this was nothing new. "What is it?" she asked.

Suddenly three figures appeared. Moving so fast they appeared as blurs in my vision, they surrounded us in a second. To our rear was the Dog, clad in his blue body suit as usual. His lance, the Gae Bolg, was held at the ready. To my front were the statuesque Rider and that Faker. They all seemed ready to fight.

Then Caren clutched my arm. "Oh no," she said in a monotone voice. "Enemy Servants here to kill us. Save me Archer." What the hell? She didn't sound worried in the slightest. In fact, she sounded as if she knew this was going to happen. My eyes passed over the Faker and Rider. Neither of them showed any killing intent. Lancer of course, did, but that was normal for him. But, killing intent or not, they dared to attack a King, and they would pay for it.

Suddenly I felt Lancer rush towards my unprotected back. No doubt he was thrusting forth with his spear, ready to skewer me. This wasn't even worth my time. My Treasury opened and from it I drew Mjolnir, the great Nordic Hammer. I spun in a circle, striking that stupid commoner directly in the chest. I reveled in his panicked eyes in the moments before he was shot backwards at over a hundred miles an hour, screaming wildly as he went. He bounced twice on the road, tearing up the concrete before hitting the metal railing at the end of the curve. Lancer broke through the railing through sheer force, and the last I saw of him was his screaming body plummeting over the precipice.

I looked from face to face. Caren's hadn't changed. She still looked just as bored. My eyes traveled to Archer and Rider.

"Ahh," mumbled Rider. "Lancer died."

Archer pointed at me as though it was a chore. "You're not human."

My expression twisted into a mask of puzzlement. "What is this mockery? Where the anger? The rage? I killed one of your companions; at least I hope I did!"

Archer sighed and looked at Rider. "It seems we have no choice. Even if we have no stake in it, we should try our best."

"I suppose. But we were offered a lot of money. Sakura would be happy."

With their odd conversation over, the two Servants leapt towards me. I couldn't focus on the fight; I was too busy trying to decipher the meaning in their words. They were offered money; did that mean they were being paid to accost me? How dare they! Trapped in my thoughts, I was barely able to avoid the counterfeit's first attack. His second drew a line of blood from my chest, and the third slashed open my leg. With a curse, I opened the Gate and began launching treasures at him. It took a moment, but a weapon struck home, sending him flying away. I prayed to the Gods that he died. It would be the one good thing they ever did for me.

With Archer gone, all I needed to do was focus on Rider. Did they honestly think they could defeat me? They would need five Servants, nay! They would need every Servant summoned in the past two wars to defeat me. As I thought this, Rider's chains wrapped around my neck. No need to panic however, with a thought, I launched Mjolnir at her, back in the treasury after being used on Lancer. It grazed her with enough force to launch her over the railing.

"Haha! Foul beast! That is what you get for attacking me!" I said. Then I noticed the chain around my neck becoming tauter.

"Oh that may have been a ba-gahjsh"

I was pulled over the edge of the railing by Rider's chain and thrown into the forest. Crashing through several trees, my journey ended as I landed face first into the ground and was knocked out cold.

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I woke up, possibly an hour later. The sun was high in the sky, but filtered through the leaves above it was quite nice. I had a blazing headache. That's twice in two weeks I've been knocked out. Maybe I should see a doctor, I might have brain damage. I climbed to my feet with some effort, steadying myself on a tree. More and more, this was reminiscent of Saber's adorable little rampage, though there was no apology note this time around. Why the hell had they attacked me? Where they jealous of my kingship? Of course! That had to be the reason!

Finding my way out of the forest was more than difficult. I had no knowledge of tracking. Once or twice I thought to call the Vimana out of the Gate and just fly away, but the last time that happened I found myself on TV being called a UFO, so that was out of the question. In another hour, I had exited the forest, and with the help of some passersby (awed by my radiance), returned to the church.

There, Caren was preparing to eat lunch. With a scowl, I sat down across from her at the table. Kotomine was out it seemed, leaving the two of us alone.

"Those Servants did not simply leave you alone, did they?" I asked.

Caren looked up from her sandwich and replied evenly with, "Of course they did. They weren't there for me."

"I knew it. Those mongrels could not suffer their pathetic lives while I existed. Envious fools!"

"No," said Caren, shaking her head. "They didn't attack you because they were jealous."

I laughed at that. "You think you understand their slow minds? I thought better of you."

"Flattering, but they attacked you because I paid them to."

". . ."

She looked at me with a puzzled expression. "What is it Gilgamesh? Is something wrong?"

"You. . . paid them?" I asked. I was dumbfounded. She should have taken pictures, as my expression then was a rarity.

"Of course I did. They were happy to accept the money. And I'm sure you will run into more gangs of roving Servants unless you start wearing clothes to the breakfast table."

What a terrifying woman!

[fallenblades643]

Caren is best troll.

[Augustine]

Indeed she is.

[Augustine]

Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Skyrim

I ran into an interesting individual during my brief visit to the café Ahnenerbe, a quaint little eatery in town. Freed from duties to Kotomine, and desperately avoiding Caren, I decided to drop in for a moment. Sadly, Saber was not at work that day. Not that I for one moment believed that she would go back to work after that incident, but I was disappointed nonetheless. One of those bizarre felines seated me and gave me a cup of coffee (warmer than usual). I enjoy Ahnenerbe because it is one of the few places that accept the gold from my Treasury. Of course, that gold tends to "mysteriously" disappear when I reclaim it later that day. That said, occasionally I pay them in hard cash. I must build trust with my subjects, and robbing them is bad for publicity.

I was finishing with my coffee when a great hulk of a man dropped into the chair across from me. I looked up with a scowl. A King does not share a table with any man. But, my scowl disappeared upon seeing his face. Wide, tough, with curly red hair, and a scraggly beard of the same hue. All together, he was a full head and shoulders taller than me, and his biceps were big enough to crush tree trunks.

"Rider," I said. "I haven't seen you in a while. In fact, this doesn't make any sense. I killed you if I recall correctly."

"Oi, oi, Archer. It's a comedy. Anything can happen if the author demands." He looked up at the ceiling as if something was watching him. What nonsense was this? It is true that I have put my recollections to print, but they are certainly not being published. He spoke as if there was some higher power.

"Besides, the time we spent together in the fourth war was very entertaining if you ask me."

"I suppose," I replied. It was true, of all the mongrels that I have fought, I enjoyed Rider the most. The King of Conquerors, he called himself. Indeed, of all the participants, he was the closest that ever came to killing me. Somehow, he now sat before me. Was it the café's reputation for being the gate to different dimensions, or a simple fact that I was the star of my own comedy? Now I wasn't making sense. Comedy? Me?

"Anyway Archer," said Rider, "I have something for you, something you should enjoy." At that, he placed a parcel on the table, thinner than a book, but hard plastic. On the front was a picture of a mongrel warrior, with the title, "The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim".

"What is this nonsense?" I asked. It was clearly a video game, but I only play occasionally, and I pay attention to new games even less.

"It's a fantasy game, set in a fantasy version of the grim norths." Replied Rider with a grin. "You make a character, and interact with the world however you like."

"It sounds dreadfully boring." I said, placing the case back on the table. "What is the appeal of living in a fantasy world when I've encountered many wonderful things in my own life?"

"Did you ever fight dragons?" asked Rider.

My eyes widened a bit. "Dragons?"

"Yes," he replied. "Dragons, you know, flying lizards that breathe flame?"

"No. I killed a bull once."

Rider grinned, tapping the case with his index finger. "Do you not think you would relate better to the King of Knights if you slew dragons as well?"

His words spoke truth, and I could do little to respond. I reached out with shaking hands and took the game. "PC? How did you know I got a new computer."

"I didn't," Rider replied. "I just made Waver get a copy."

I nodded with appreciation at Rider. "Once again, you prove yourself to be a virtuous man. I accept this gift."

As I stood to leave, he clapped me on the back. "Enjoy it Archer. I doubt you will have much free time after you begin. Make sure to get some food from time to time."

I laughed him off. There was no way a simple diversion like this would absorb my life. As a King, I was above such addictions. How wrong I was.

It's been a week since I've begun playing. Not "a week" as in, I've been playing on and off for a week, but more like "I have played this game for a week straight". I cannot stop. My eyes are so bloodshot it looks as if I have rubies in my sockets and I've begun to grow a beard. The door to my room is locked, and Caren is too afraid to come in to check on me, fearing for what she may find. Kotomine, naturally, doesn't care. My only companion is the game, which has stolen my concentration away.

When the game began, I immediately sought to make a character representing me perfectly. How pathetic are these creation controls however! My character looked like a brain dead hulk no matter how I fiddled with it! Eventually, I decided to settle for one of the default appearances. How contrived was this experience? A prisoner for a crime I did not commit, saved by circumstance. Ridiculous. However, I am not a quitter. I played on, despite my disappointment. It was then that I realized the strength of this game. I did not need any experience in sword fighting to play. So began the quest of Gilgame (there were not enough spaces for the name!) the swordsman! Greater frustrations began simultaneously!

The beginning weapons and armor were worthless! How could a King like me hope to live with scraps of iron? The soldiers of the Empire looked like rejects from the set of Gladiator (a pleasant film that Kotomine showed me once), with armor just as pathetic. My first encounter with a horde of bandits led to my untimely demise. I quickly had to adjust my strategy. Who knew shields actually were useful? I just thought they were a nice way to show off a coat of arms. Needless to say, Gilgame the swordsman quickly became Gilgame the knight.

Remember when I said that this game was my only companion? I was wrong. I had two more companions. The first was frustration. He never left my side, not when I was getting consumed by dragons or chopped to pieces by undead. My second companion was Lydia, dear dear Lydia. She followed me always, through the tombs of restless dead to the heights of mountains. She reminded me of an old friend of mine, except Lydia was actually a female, instead of simply looking the part.

Since the incident lasted over a week, allow me to simply speak of a few separate tales. Regaling the entire legacy of Gilgame the knight would take a novel or two. My time in the skulking guild of thieves and assassins was quite interesting. I despised both of them on principle of course. The thieves were cowardly, expecting me to simply steal without murder. Even if I owned everything in the world, I could not allow somebody to stand in my way. Thus, my heists were marked with a trail of broken bodies. The assassination quests were more fun, though like the thieves guild I hated using stealth. The armor was disgusting as well, though suitable for a sadomasochist. Perhaps I will custom order some for Kotomine or Hassan.

I digress however; the true joy found working with the cowardly assassins was the death of the mortal Emperor. How could such a man think he could hold the world? It was mine, and mine by right! I ensured that his death was suitably painful, and then I took all of his stuff. So began the reign of Gilgame the Emperor, or so I thought. With the False Emperor dead, I set about overthrowing the rest of the entrenched governments. Such was my shock, when I realized that there was no way to become king. What were the developers thinking? Why would a player not wish to rule over everyone in the land? The thought hounded me as I killed every citizen in the town called Riften to pay for this crime. I came to a conclusion. The developers obviously did not have my best interests in mind. I would have to pay them a visit. If I could ever leave this damn room of course.

With my genocide complete, I planned to move on, to finish what I had started. That black dragon needed to die, and I would be the one to do it. Oh how Saber would praise me! Yet, as I reached the climactic battle, I found darkness taking me. Not "me" as in Gilgame the Knight. Me as in "Oh no I'm dying of hunger". My limbs grew weak, and my vision faded. I tried desperately to stand, only realizing now that my cup ramen stash had run dry days before, and neither Caren nor Kotomine cared enough to bring food. My last sight before I passed out was Gilgame the Knight's valiant death, locked in combat with the dark dragon. A shame that I must die more pathetically than my avatar.

---------------------------------------------

"So, King of Heroes," said Rider. "How did you like the game?"

For a moment, I stared at Rider with thin eyes. His face was expectant, awaiting the news that it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Oh how I relish moments like these.

"It was pathetic," I said. "The intelligence of the characters was atrocious."

Rider adopted a disappointed frown and scratched his beard. "But that is simply one aspect."

"I am not finished," I returned. "The idea that wars can be fought with twenty soldiers is also laughable, and the females look to be men in drag! It is pathetic, and a true crime. How could you even suggest that a perfect man such as I play such a flawed game?"

Rider looked at the table for a moment. "Apologies Archer. I should have expected that you would be disappointed. Nothing will live up to your treasures will they?"

"Nothing!" I shouted. I stood and prepared to leave. "Try me once more if you do not believe me. I will accept any game you give me. The forlorn frown you bear is a joyous sight."

Now reader, you may wonder how it came to be that I survived by battle with gnawing hunger. In truth, I succumbed and fell into darkness. It was a stroke of fate that saved my life. Caren entered the room not long after, hoping to dispose of my body. Perhaps she thought I had been dead for some time. As she dragged me out of the back church, the threshold assaulted by forehead, vile thing. The impact was enough to rouse me from my deathlike sleep. The ensuing confusion was glorious to behold, what with Caren screaming in fright, me attempting to run to the kitchen, and Kotomine trying to calm his congregation, who were surprised to find a half naked man sprinting down the aisle chased by a silver haired woman.

That evening, after my abrupt awakening and my meeting with Rider, I sat once more in my room. The light of the setting sun drifted through my window once more, and all garbage had been cleared. After the monstrosity it had been, my room seemed to have fresh life in it. I leaned back in my chair and placed my hands behind my head. Then I noticed something out of place. On the edge of my desk, behind my computer's speakers, the game's case lay. Rider never asked for its return, nor did I expect him to.

"You are not where you belong," I said as I picked up the case. I held it in my hands, reading the title over and over again. Then a golden glow appeared above the table, the Gate of Babylon. Slowly, I dropped the case inside. There it would rest until called for, safe with my other treasures.

[Augustine]

Sorry for delaying the release of this chapter. I was at my college orientation and had no real chance to post. I appreciate the time you guys take to read it, as well as any comments you give.

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Gilgamesh tries his Hand at Judging

Kotomine said something absurd after breakfast today. We were sipping our respective drinks after a surprisingly mild meal courtesy of Caren. That priest who never ceases to torment us said something that truly interested me. A rare moment of goodwill from an evil man, as he would say.

"Gilgamesh, later today Fuyuki City is holding its annual beauty pageant at the city hall. We were short on judges so I volunteered you. Is that alright?"

I tried to remain calm. This was excellent news, excellent news indeed! I did not even know that Fuyuki held a contest such as this. Who was participating? How much was the prize worth? Why did Kotomine say "We"?

Of course, I would not let any of this excitement show on my face. "Your offer is acceptable Kotomine. However, what do you mean by 'we'?"

Kotomine smiled a bit, though his eyes remained cold as ice. "The position of organizer became suddenly empty, so I volunteered."

I shook my head and stared at him with thin eyes. "That leaves another question. Why would you want to run a beauty pageant? It seems like something that would disgust you. Too many cheerful people."

This time Kotomine's smile was genuine, and I'm ashamed to say I felt terrified for the poor girls entering the pageant. There was excitement in his voice as he said, "But Gilgamesh, do you not realize? When there can only be one winner, the anguish of the dozens of failures is delicious."

"That's quite. . ." I didn't know what to say, so "childish" would have to do. Yes, I understand the irony of that statement. Let me tell you this mongrels, I may be arrogant, but I'm not dense! I act like a fool because it is more fun to play the fool! Are you not entertained by me? Is that not why you're here? Why am I even ranting? Who could possibly hear it?

"Petty as it may be," said Kotomine, "It is my only pleasure. The suffering will be terrible to behold."

"What is the grand prize for this contest?" I asked. Perhaps I could adjust the settings a bit if they did not suit me.

"One million yen," said the priest.

A dish fell to the floor in the kitchen, and shattered into innumerable pieces. As I explained very carefully that I was in no way going to clean it up, Caren began to shake. She wrung the towel in her hand like it was the neck of a bird and gritted her teeth. Both Kotomine and I stopped to stare for a moment, and were started when she spun around and began to shout.

"Father! Why didn't you tell me this! The church could use any money we can get!"

"Oi, oi" I said, trying to calm her, "Why don't you do that thing at the chicken far-"

She waved her arms wildly, "Because that's boring! I need to prepare!"

She ran out of the kitchen, leaving the dishes unfinished and me wondering why she is so out of character today. Kotomine meanwhile, did not react to the utter change in personality that his daughter had suffered. Was it the prospect of showing off her beauty? It certainly hope it wasn't the money.

"Kotomine, I need to go to the city hall. You'll forgive me if I leave the dishes to you."

"I suppose I will. That is, of course, God's will," Kotomine stood up and put an apron on over his priest robes. What an odd sight, I thought as I left the house. I haven't worn boxers to the breakfast table in more than a month. Caren thinks she's won, but little does she know I'm planning a surprise assault. What will she do when all of her clothes disappear from her wardrobe, leaving only her underwear behind! What a wonderful trick, is it not? And before you get any ideas, it's not because I want to see her in her underwear! That would be ridiculous.

I sprinted out the door, calling my armor and Vimana at the same time. There was no time to lose. My golden craft took me to the heavens, where I looked down upon Fuyuki while seated on a throne fit for a god. It streaked down to stop in front of Fuyuki city hall, where dozens of bystanders watched me disembark. A few police officers stood nearby, but thought better about starting something.

I entered the City Hall, past the audience members waiting to take their seats and through the back rooms. No one was stupid enough to stop the man in a full suit of golden armor. The roster of contestants was the first thing I saw. It certainly brightened my day, in fact I'm pretty sure a few of the event staff heard my "squee" of excitement. It was not my proudest moment, I'll admit. I accosted a few members of the staff there, and after a bit of convincing (I threatened to injure the men, I charmed the women) I made an 'adjustment' to the prizes offered.

Kotomine arrived soon after, and he escorted me to the judges room, where we five would wait before going on stage.

"Lancer! What are you doing here?" I demanded to know.

The blue haired Irishman glared at me. "It's none of your business Goldie. I can go where I please!"

I ground my teeth. "Do not think for a second that you will steal the women's attention away from me, mongrel."

Lancer laughed, "You're too focused, King of Heroes. The truly beautiful ones will simply fall through your grasp. I have an agenda you see. I'll approach the winner, and sing her the song of my people. Maybe I'll take off my shirt! Women love me, and my hot blooded personality!"

By the end of his speech, I was ignoring him and looking at the other members of the panel. Another blue haired man, though more like a boy,Matou Shinji sat on a stool with an eager look on his face. How pathetic, the boy was drooling with anticipation.

"Gilgamesh, I didn't expect to see you here," said the other Archer, that Counterfeit. I scowled, but he did not seem to be confrontational. Perhaps he knew the honor that awaited us. In any case, I chose to overlook him in favor of our final judge, a computer with a webcam.

"Excuse me," I said, pointing, "What is this?"

Archer shrugged, "Don't ask me. They just wheeled it in here. No one has any idea what it is."

A few moments later, a girl wearing a staff shirt came in, "Judges please prepare to move to the stage. It's time to begin."

We followed her out of the room in single file and walked up a flight of stairs. Suddenly, bright lights flashed before us and we were bombarded with the cheering of fans. Was I that popular? Of course I am! There was a table set up for us at one side of the stage, I was in the middle, with Archer to my right and the Matou boy to my left. The computer took the right flank and Lancer was on the left. That dog was waving at the women in the audience.

Speaking under the screams around us, I said, "Take the leftovers Lancer. The true women will be mine!"

Before he could respond, the lights dimmed and Kirei stepped onto the stage carrying a microphone. Before your imaginations begin racing, he was wearing his priest uniform as usual. There was no way he would dress extravagantly for such an event. It would not be like him at all.

"Welcome everyone, to the 10th annual Fuyuki City Beauty Pageant. I am your host, Kotomine Kirei. Before I introduce our contestants, I'd like to present our judges for this evening."

He pointed at Lancer, "Forgive his lecherous appearance, for he is Cu Chulainn."

Lancer closed his eyes and began to wave, "Thank you, tha-LECHEROUS?"

Kotomine continued, "Our next judge is the truly perverted Matou Shinji!"

His name was accompanied by a chorus of women screaming "Shinji-kun!" It was truly disgusting. Anything the blue haired kid had to say was drowned out by the noise. Kotomine passed over me to announce the next judge.

"Our next judge is Archer. He is truly skilled at telling fake from original."

Archer and I both laughed at that. Were we getting along? I couldn't have that, and elbowed him hard in the ribs. There, now we were back to glaring at each other. It's a wonderful rivalry we share.

"Next we have…" Kotomine looked questioningly at the webcam. He didn't seem to have a clue either. With his hand outstretched, Kotomine waited as a staff member quietly turned on the computer and connected it to a speaker. Then a voice was broadcast through the auditorium.

"Yes yes! Straight from Ryudou Temple, this is Assassin!"

I looked over at the computer screen, and sure enough, Sasaki Kojirou was visible. He seemed to be on the temple steps, dressed in casual clothes. I said to him, "You truly are dedicated mongrel, if you wish to judge from there."

"No flower can escape my grasp, King of Heroes. My dating technique, Return of the Flower, will capture a woman's heart simultaneously from three different directions."

Despite my arrogance, even I recognized the impressiveness of that technique. Finally I was announced. The cheering was less than I had expected, but it was still glorious. It is certainly good to know that my subjects still love me.

"Kotomine!" shouted Lancer, "Enough with Gilgamesh. The pretty boy can look at himself in the mirror another time. Show us the contestants!"

"Lancer is eager," said Kotomine as he turned to the audience, "and I suspect everyone is. Let us present the fine women competing here today."

They came by in a flash. There were at least two dozen, though only a few caught my eye. Saber naturally was stunning in her radiance. Even without the shapely body possessed by the more feminine contestants, she was truly the brightest star on stage. Not that others did not impress of course. Ilya Von Einzbern was there, wearing a lovely white dress. Berserker screamed his approval from the back of the auditorium. The Tohsaka girl was also there, and my my, she had a crowd. Finally Caren stood out. It was strange for her to be dressed up, but even though she was relatively unknown she received her share of the support from the audience.

Then Kotomine announced the prizes. With a smile, he said, "The second runner up wins a year's supply of restaurant coupons."

Saber pumped her fists, and I heard that Shirou shout from the audience, "Don't sell yourself short Saber!"

Kotomine continued, "The first runner up wins one million yen."

The surprise there was excellent to behold. The contestants were shocked, and whispered to each other in hushed voices. As far as they knew, that was the grand prize. What, oh what, could possibly be better than that? I certainly had a good idea, and only one woman would win it.

Before Kotomine announced the grand prize, he locked eyes with me. I returned his steely gaze with a thumbs up. Then he continued, "The grand prize is a date, with the one and only King of Heroes, Gilgamesh of Uruk!"

Saber froze and went pale. Shaking, she turned around to stare at me. I gave her a smile in response. "You are mine this time Saber!" I shouted. Nearby, Archer and Rin's eyes met. They agreed in that instant, she must win second place. Caren was also desperate to win the money. This was truly getting interesting.

Before the pageant could begin, I walked to the middle of the stage. "Kotomine," I shouted, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear, "How many women get to be in the finals?"

"Three, then the judges simply have to choose who gets first, second and third," said Kotomine, "Are you planning on speeding things up?"

"Of course I am," I laughed. "The King of Heroes says this! Caren, Tohsaka Rin, and Saber of course. You three are in the finals. Everyone else, go home."

Ilya nearly tackled me, but tripped on her dress. In a moment of compassion I caught her before she hit the ground. Am I not magnanimous? She didn't care however, and began screaming.

"How could you not pick me Goldie?"

"Listen homunculus, this is a contest for grown women. Children cannot hope to win."

She pouted and said, "I'm eighteen though."

"But you look like an eight year old. It makes Lancer uncomfortable."

I half-expected the Gae Bolg to fly past my head, but Lancer only glowered at me. Ilya was displeased but she left quietly and sat with Berserker and that Emiya boy in the audience. Now I had to deal with the other women. A group of them stormed up to me, demanding to know how I immediately knew that they weren't finals material.

"It is very simple," I replied, "My friend Enkidu is more beautiful than you."

The leader of the group, a girl that was far too heavily made up for my tastes, was taken aback, but indignantly said, "This Enkidu girl must be pretty hot if she's better looking than us."

I smiled and shook my head with closed eyes. "You misunderstand. Enkidu is a man. Women who are defeated in a test of beauty by a man have no chance at winning this contest. Not while I judge!"

That it was it for them. A few fainted, and the leader turned red in the face. Did they realize their inferiority? Most definitely. As I returned to my seat, I looked over the expressions that the three finalists wore. Rin and Caren seemed focused; both prepared to shoot for second place. Saber was sweated and seemed almost frightened. There was no escaping her fate. She would go on a date with me. It was inevitable.

Kotomine stepped over to our table as the final contestants posed for the audience. He handed us cards that we would use to write our choices for first, second, and third place. There could be no collaboration between the judges, it was blind. My choices were easy. Saber would win the grand prize, Caren the second (even if she annoys me, I should throw her a bone once in a while), and Tohsaka would get the coupons. The black haired girl glanced once at both Archer and Lancer. The two both responded with curt nods. Perhaps this would go in my favor after all. Saber stared at me with fearful eyes, and I showed off my best smile. I was nearly sparkling with happiness. After we finished marking (and after Assassin emailed his form in) Kotomine collected them and returned to the microphone.

"Without further ado, or any more interruptions, I will announce the winners. Our second runner up is . . . the Servant Saber!"

"WHAT?" I shouted, slamming my fist into the table hard enough to dent it. Saber was nearly crying with joy, and Emiya was shouting that they'd eat well tonight. How could this be? Who could have voted her anything other than first place? Could it be that they did not see her beauty as I did? No, they had ulterior motives. Archer and Lancer were giggling (Yes, the stoic Archer was literally giggling with pleasure). How could they do this to me? Kotomine would not let me kill them however. He read on.

"I might as well skip the runner up and move straight to the grand prize winner," he read through the cards that we used and laughed. "How fun. Our grand prize winner is . . ."

Tohsaka was calm, but Caren was praying. She must be desperate to get that money for the church. Or was she desperate not to have to go on a date with me?

"Caren Ortensia!" announced Kotomine.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" my shout and Caren's came out simultaneously. Tohsaka's shout of victory was next, and she high fived Saber. Archer and Lancer joined them and they ran off stage. They planned it all. All the posturing, everything. Saber would get the coupons, Tohsaka would get the money, and no one would go hungry for years (well, weeks with Saber's appetite). I could not believe it. It was absolutely impossible. How could they have arranged this? Did they plan on me changing the grand prize? Did they bribe the Matou boy and Assassin? Was I so damned predictable?

I stood slowly and walked to Caren as the crowds began to leave. She was on her knees, not in prayer, but in anguish. I thought for a moment that I could see tears forming, but they never fell. "Caren, if it means anything, we can just say we went on a date. I do not wish to suffer either."

She glared at me, but before she could reply, her father cut in and placed a plastic crown on her head (off center too. It was really sad). "No. You will go on a date. And you will both hate it. I live for moments like these."

The happiness in his voice was terrifying. The thought that he would torture his own daugh-wait a minute. A date with me is not torture!

"If that is what you wish Kotomine, I will give her the date any woman dreams for. The King of Heroes that rule Heaven and Earth will not back down from such a challenge!"

Dear, her glare was terrifying then. I decided to go for a walk. I'd need to avoid her for a while. It's a good thing that Kotomine did not specify when the date was. Ten years from now sounds good.

[NewAgeOfPower]

Forgot to ask you on FFnet, but why how did Rin & Emiya Co get Lancer to go along with their plan?

[Augustine]

1. Lancer dislikes Gilgamesh enough to rig his loss.

2. Lancer can be bribed by Tohsaka.

Those are the official reasons. Its also just more fun that way. The better question is how did they bribe Assassin.

[eddyak]

I love you for this.

[Liquid Alter]

1. Lancer dislikes Gilgamesh enough to rig his loss.

2. Lancer can be bribed by Tohsaka.

Those are the official reasons. Its also just more fun that way. The better question is how did they bribe Assassin.

For Assassin, none of those women beat Gate-chan in a beauty contest.

That's why.

[mAc Chaos]

Eddyak stole my words. That last one was great. Poor Caren.