Create-A-Servant 2

[SleepMode]

Personally I thought "The Man With No Cain" had a different ring to it but yours makes far more sense. It could've been done better but that's another Servant slot filled for the Cain only Grail War. Naturally I couldn't find a FC but just looking at the Cain sheets and playing The Good The Bad and The Ugly theme produces this effect, thanks for your feedback though

Honestly, I think McCree would've been a good FC.

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To be fair, "The Man with No Cain" sounds even funnier.

[sherlock1110]

But McCree didn't seem amateur enough for me, also robot parts, but I was looking for a character who had nearly nailed the appearance (while having scars, a red tattoo and darker skin) but still was a complete novice in demeanor. Sorry I'm probably taking up useful space in the thread by posting this

[the god of world-0]

Werner Voss: Goddammit this is what happens when I don't have the chance to review the sheets immediately, MORE GET WRITTEN. Voss is a very interesting Servant, he is also alongside Falminius one of two Rider class Servants that are far better Rider style Servants than the Zhuang Zhi mess I made (I'm still feeling embarrassed about that one). There is not much for me to say about the sheet that has not been mentioned and though I feel he may lack offensive power this makes sense considering his lack of fame. Also wondering where you got the idea to do a fighter pilot Servant?

Death: Sad to say I am generally cynical with any Servant that takes on a general concept like this instead of being focused on a single character or myth. So for a sheet that is "Death" I am interested in seeing whether it spans all Humanities understanding of Death, represents the most common themes and is an incredibly strong Servant although it also must be incredibly strange. So starting from parameters I have to add while most of them make sense, although given the "fame" of Death you'd imagine it would be insanely high, Luck at EX rank is... questionable? Why? Death has never really been seen as "Lucky", even when anthropomophosised Death is an inevitable figure rather than a "Lucky" one so it is completely out of place. The classification is also strange as Death has no real relation to Madness and since Madness Enhancement is sealed the class is seemingly irrelevant. The rest of the skills make sense. A mention on formatting is noting where the "Noble Phantasm" section begins, it goes a long way to make your sheets appear less lazy and would help me in thinking that you are dedicating time to the creation of them. With regard to Noble Phantasms only the second one makes sense, the first one is slapping an idea of "Death being unavoidable" on an attack, there is no clear relation between the two and there are so so many ways that the concept of Death could be better dealt with. While the second Noble Phantasm makes more sense it's still pretty boring and a bit distant from the concept of Death, it's also a parameter raising interaction with the first NP so even though most of the sheet leads up to it it is quite anticlimactic. You've done well on appearance and personality so it's mainly the NPs and Skills you need to work on, "Concept" based Servants (see Pale Rider) are so completely abstract that they have to be far different from this. I know I might be sounding a bit harsh here (considering I'm about to drop the stupidest Servant sheet I've made yet) but I thought about these when I planned to make a Masque of Red Death Servant, so honestly an abstract character like this is far more difficult to nail.

Tbf i could not find a class that suited my view of death, she is only berseker by a proceses where i eliminate others with less sence, i know i could have make her a rider or assassin but i wanted to distance her of mythological figures
also i find hard to found anything more to say about her Nps, my intension was to make her simple, a antithesis to all sword-beams and reality marbles of infinite creation, and the EX-rank luck is because she always win, not literaly but she always get you

[SleepMode]

Zh: Hmm... This may be a bit of a stretch, but how do you think your Flamininus would get along with my Gideon? Since they both have a "lazy but secretly serious" thing going on.

Long Reply

It's an odd encounter, since while Flamininus does slack off, he does it solely because he really wanted a break from all the crap he had gone through. So while he does act lazy, the Consul is fundamentally a serious person through and through. Upon meeting Gideon, he's intrigued by the Lancer's being; while he's nothing to look at, there was a sense of potential within him. As a result, Flamininus will hang out with Gideon to see how the Lancer will develop.

As the "plot" go by, Flamininus does learn to genuinely enjoy the time he spends with Gideon; as instead of debates about political matters or policies, it's just simple pep talk or just relaxing. At one point, he may or may not find out about Gideon's self-loathing - about not able to win by his own hands. Should the Consul find out about it, he'll go out of his way and try to help him make that wish real; with or without the Grail.

If this develops in a Grail War, their final bout would have both sides holding nothing back; even Gideon is taking this seriously. Eventually, both unleash their Noble Phantasms(with Gideon using Jerubba'al) and as both sides charge towards one another, the Lancer - instead of unleashing the power of the Pagan Gods - threw his spear forward the coach of the War Elephant, successfully piercing Flamininus' heart. As he lay on the ground impaled, Flamininus congratulates Gideon, for he finally won a battle fair and square.

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Man, my Servants always die...

Although I'm curious, how would Gideon react to Flamininus in return?

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Sorry to ask, but what do you think of my Flamininus sheet as a whole? Whether if there's any errors made in there, that is.

[RoydGolden]

The following is a joke, please please don't slate me on this too hard Also I'm sorry Royd

...Sorry? If anything I should be thanking you for writing up this awesomely hilarious sheet. Even beyond the inherent hilarity of Cain (badly) cosplaying the hero of a wild west movie, the idea of him as a "wandering anti-hero" actually fits pretty well with how I established his character. The lone gunman, tortured by the sins of his past, wandering the earth and bringing down evildoers in penance for his sin.

Yeah, it's safe to say I got a major kick out of this, even aside from the ego boost in seeing someone make their own Servant so clearly inspired by one of mine.

The only critique I can make is that the "Man With No Name" and "Original Murderer" identities don't feel as closely integrated as they could be in his Skills section. I get the whole idea was that he wants to abandon his past as the first murderer, but I feel it would've worked better with a mix of Cain and wild west-themed Skills rather then entirely the latter. At the very least, Eternal Wanderer (or some variant) would fit with the whole wandering gunman theme, though I understand if you didn't want to copy from mine any more then necessary.

Oh and, this is definitely my headcanon as to what an Archer!Cain would look like now.

- - - Updated - - -

Sorry to ask, but what do you think of my Flamininus sheet as a whole? Whether if there's any errors made in there, that is.

The sheet was good. Don't know enough (or really, anything) on the historical figure to comment to any "errors" but as a whole it was well-written and well fleshed out. Got a kick out of the war elephant NP as well. You showed admirable restraint there. I could hardly have resisted referencing the "elephants as ultimate Heroic Spirit-killers" meme that made some waves here a while back.

[KAIZA]

Well, I found this while cleaning some files. After a bit of a review, I'm not sure of its quality, buuuut, I'm posting it for feedback, and to see if it could use some fixing (and how to do said fixes)
x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Caster [Ada Lovelace] - “The Enchantress of Number”

Strength – E
Agility – E
Mana – EX (E)
Luck – C
Endurance – E
Noble Phantasm – C
Cards – BAAAQ

Territory Creation (False) – D

Height/Weight: 165cm・53kg
Source: Historical Fact
Region: Europe
Alignment: Chaotic ・ Neutral
Gender: Female

A famous English mathematician, widely recognized as the first computer programmer.

The only legitimate daughter of Lord Byron, her parents had a very tumultuous relationship, leading to their separation when Ada was young. As her father had died when she was eight, her mother was left as her only parental figure. But, even that relationship was harsh, her mother obsessed with preventing Ada from falling into “madness” like her father.

As a result, Ada was educated at a very young age. It was during this time that she developed her mathematical and technological skills, despite suffering from constant illness. She was tutored by some of the greatest minds of the time, and her vivid imagination and desires that her mother fought to suppress only grew as her mind did.

She was later introduced to Charles Babbage, who showed her his Difference Engine. Fascinated by the invention, she continued their relation and eventual friendship over the years, Babbage impressed by the girl’s intellect analytical abilities. It was he who gave her the nickname, “Enchantress of Numbers”. Ada saw great potential in Babbage’s machine beyond simple numbers, which led to her development of what is considered the first algorithm.

Ada dabbled in many forms of both art and science, believing that the divide between the two fields was a hindrance to understanding both. She often allowed her imagination and intuition to guide her analytical process, considering them critical to applying scientific concepts and important tools to understand “the unseen worlds around us.”

As a Heroic Spirit, she has no interest in obtaining the Grail, but she does find the prospect of the Grail War a unique experience for learning. While she’s imaginative and a bit airy at times, she’s still greatly intelligent and cunning, and is extremely dedicated to her Master and the task at hand if need be.

Skills

Weak Constitution (C)
A weakness struck by the nature of frail health. Similar in nature to Innocent Monster, where the perception of the people in the future affects the existence of the Heroic Spirit.

Due to her frailty in life, Ada is often at risk of stat drops every now and then. While she’s quite capable of soldiering on despite the pain, it can be very detrimental if afflicted during combat.

High-Speed Calculation (C)
The ability to internally calculate and resolve any sort of mathematical conundrum at an accelerated speed.

Ada’s mind is capable of incredible processing, analysing every variable and possibility in a matter of seconds. This allows her to determine the best course of action to take, and the most efficient way to perform it.

Poetical Science (A)
Using imagination and intuition, one is able to grasp concepts foreign and the world around oneself with greater clarity and understanding. Through careful observation, interpretation and integration, any and all information can be understood and acknowledged.

As a result, the Servant is unaffected by any form of illusion or misdirection, and any abilities therein. In addition, if given enough context clues through observation, the Servant is capable of discerning the true name of an opponent’s Noble Phantasm.

This was Ada’s personal mindset, and part of her legacy.

Noble Phantasm:

“Worry not. I have absolute control of the situation. Lovelace Algorithm! There is NOTHING the mind cannot achieve.”

Lovelace Algorithm

Dynamic Analytical Engine

Rank: C
Type: Support

Ada sought to create a model that showed how the brain created thought and nerves feelings. A so called “calculus of the nervous system”. Although she never perfected it in life, her understanding of the workings of the mind mixed with her boundless imagination led to the creation of this Noble Phantasm.

It manifests as a Bounded Field with a wide activation radius; Ada can fully manipulate and control anyone that is inside of it; even Servants, to which she can grant a multitude of stat demerits as she pleases.

However, the effects of this Noble Phantasm are more akin to self-suggestion and mesmerism; Servants with higher mental resistance and those immune to mental interference are capable of resisting its effects to varying degrees of success.

While on paper she's capable of controlling anything with a functioning brain and nervous system, if the subject lacks the faculty to actually understand the effects, it won't have much effect. Some would say, "your mind makes it real." By tricking the brain and manipulaing the nerves, its effects SEEM real, and feel real. Even if you know something's a trick doesn't mean you can't fall for it.

Despite its limitations due to its low rank, it does have alternative applications.

Noble Phantasm:

Lovelace Algorithm

Isolated Calculation Phenomenon

Rank: C+
Type: Support

Ada can apply the effects of her Bounded Field on herself, in order to give herself a boost in battle. Under normal circumstances, she would be a lackluster Servant due to subpar stats. However, thanks to her Noble Phantasm, she’s able to min-max her stats however she pleases as the situation demands.

Under normal circumstances, she is limited in its use to her current stat total. However, she can go beyond her normal parameters, under the risk of an increased strain on her vessel. As a result, said function is left as a last resort, lest she fade away faster.

This is also the reason her Mana rank is abnormally large, as she can use the mana in the area to fuel it, giving the impression of an unlimited pool.

[Historia]

Sorry I'm probably taking up useful space in the thread by posting this

yeah get out your piece of shit

[RoydGolden]

yeah get out your piece of shit

Don't listen to them. H/she's just an asshole. Some of the time anyway...

[sherlock1110]

Tbf i could not find a class that suited my view of death, she is only berseker by a proceses where i eliminate others with less sence, i know i could have make her a rider or assassin but i wanted to distance her of mythological figures
also i find hard to found anything more to say about her Nps, my intension was to make her simple, a antithesis to all sword-beams and reality marbles of infinite creation, and the EX-rank luck is because she always win, not literaly but she always get you

Really? Death probably makes more sense as Saber, Lancer, Assassin, Rider etc. but that is besides the point. Well you certainly made them simple Noble Phantasms, still it's a shame they don't reflect Death in any way, also in the case of luck it should be that Death doesn't posses a Luck ranking but instead has some kind of Noble Phantasm based around that certainty that in the end Death is there. I'll write up my Masque of the Red Death sheet as that should hopefully give you some pointers, it's actually the one I was going to release after my original Assassin sheet so it's quite bad but regardless I can improve it to show how making a concept (even one with a concrete background like the Masque of the Red Death) can be difficult.

[Daneel Rush]

Why do you keep indulging sherlock's desperate cries for attention? Isn't Royd plenty enough of that for this thread?

@KAIZA: Good enough. I think the Noble Phantasm's have some issues, however. I understand the mental control aspect of "Dynamic Analytical Engine", but I don't see how an effort into the workings of the mind translates into MASTER OF MACHINES (also, I think it's a mistake to connect Lovelace to mechanical devices without calculation abilities). Either connect the two concepts better, or just stick to manipulation of living beings. As for "Isolated Calculation Phenomenon", it just needs hard limits. Enkidu's Skill has explicit limits. Right now I don't know what stops Lovelace from boosting all her parameters as high as she wants.

[the god of world-0]

You know, even if it is for attention, thats not how you should react to people insecurities
i have depresion, every week i go to the psychologist, there is this kid who used to be there every time also.
We end up talking to each other while waiting, they always seen like a realy cool person and kinda remind me of myself when i was yonger.
One day, they arent there.
They comited suicide after a teachers rank about how they should stop draging the class behind.
You should not put salt on others people wounds, put a nice comentary after a critic and if you dont have anything nice to say so Its a indication that you should stay quiet
thank you for your time

[KAIZA]

Why do you keep indulging sherlock's desperate cries for attention? Isn't Royd plenty enough of that for this thread?

@KAIZA: Good enough. I think the Noble Phantasm's have some issues, however. I understand the mental control aspect of "Dynamic Analytical Engine", but I don't see how an effort into the workings of the mind translates into MASTER OF MACHINES (also, I think it's a mistake to connect Lovelace to mechanical devices without calculation abilities). Either connect the two concepts better, or just stick to manipulation of living beings. As for "Isolated Calculation Phenomenon", it just needs hard limits. Enkidu's Skill has explicit limits. Right now I don't know what stops Lovelace from boosting all her parameters as high as she wants.

Thanks for the feedback! I made a few relevant edits to the NPs then.

[sherlock1110]

Why do you keep indulging sherlock's desperate cries for attention? Isn't Royd plenty enough of that for this thread?

Can you explain what my desperate cries for attention are please? Unless this is, of course, one of them.
Also Royd makes really good sheets, so in this case I am lost in where you are coming from.

[KAIZA]

So, uh...no more feedback on Ada or the changes to NP?

[RoydGolden]

So, uh...no more feedback on Ada or the changes to NP?

It's good. Steampunk Servants are always cool, and the NP being mental rather then machine-based is a creative touch. Say, how'd you think she'd get along with my James Watt?

[sherlock1110]

Ada Lovelace: Sorry I was a bit distracted and I forgot about this sheet, sorry. The sheet as a whole is quite good and you've managed to incorporate mathematics quite well into the Noble Phantasms. The only critiques, but they are more akin to questions, that I can provide is what would happen say when Weak Constitution activates while her stats are at E, would it just affect Mana or would it drop her to human level? Additionally the Noble Phantasms could be more fleshed out, I know this is quite vague but I'm not the best at fleshing things out myself, however in the case of the first perhaps a mention of spirits or other more Thaumaturgical related beasts could be mentioned. Would a Golem for example be affected by the Noble Phantasm? Is it just a restriction on the Seven Basic Human Senses? Asking these questions may help, hopefully that is useful.

[EonADS]

The only concern I have is with regards to her character. Her loyalty and dedication are suspect to me, given her number of affairs and scandals in later life ("Later" being a bit of a mis-labeling, given that she died at age 36), most of her last ten years had plenty of intrigue. One would think that would cause a more selfish attitude, unless she comes from an earlier period in her life.

[KAIZA]

It's good. Steampunk Servants are always cool, and the NP being mental rather then machine-based is a creative touch. Say, how'd you think she'd get along with my James Watt?

While they may come to a mutual agreement when it comes to discussing the potential of humankind and possibilities of their inventions to that end, they'd likely come to a heated disagreement on his skepticism of the esoteric arts.

Ada Lovelace: Sorry I was a bit distracted and I forgot about this sheet, sorry. The sheet as a whole is quite good and you've managed to incorporate mathematics quite well into the Noble Phantasms. The only critiques, but they are more akin to questions, that I can provide is what would happen say when Weak Constitution activates while her stats are at E, would it just affect Mana or would it drop her to human level? Additionally the Noble Phantasms could be more fleshed out, I know this is quite vague but I'm not the best at fleshing things out myself, however in the case of the first perhaps a mention of spirits or other more Thaumaturgical related beasts could be mentioned. Would a Golem for example be affected by the Noble Phantasm? Is it just a restriction on the Seven Basic Human Senses? Asking these questions may help, hopefully that is useful.

Well, in practice, being affected by Weak Constitution would drop her stats to a bare minimum to function, with the constant pain brought from it making it difficult to maintain her Algorithm, and thus forcing a retreat. She COULD keep using her NP to try to overcome the effects, but as stated...that would just make her suffer more.

As for the limits of her NP, while on paper she's capable of controlling anything with a functioning brain and nervous system, if the subject lacks the faculty to actually understand the effects, it won't have much effect. Think of it like "your mind makes it real." By tricking the brain and manipulaing the nerves, its effects SEEM real, and feel real. Even if you know something's a trick doesn't mean you can't fall for it.

The only concern I have is with regards to her character. Her loyalty and dedication are suspect to me, given her number of affairs and scandals in later life ("Later" being a bit of a mis-labeling, given that she died at age 36), most of her last ten years had plenty of intrigue. One would think that would cause a more selfish attitude, unless she comes from an earlier period in her life.

"If need be." She's more than willing to go against her Master if she feels it's putting a dampen on her. Honestly, I thought of her as "a Caster that seems nice at first, but turns out to be an antagonist later on", if she were to be used in a story.

[sherlock1110]

Okay I see what you mean, it can create illusionary sense-datum in a way. Sorry I didn't know if it was limited to the "conventional" senses but that makes it quite interesting thank you

[Bird of Hermes]

Well, in practice, being affected by Weak Constitution would drop her stats to a bare minimum to function, with the constant pain brought from it making it difficult to maintain her Algorithm, and thus forcing a retreat. She COULD keep using her NP to try to overcome the effects, but as stated...that would just make her suffer more.

As for the limits of her NP, while on paper she's capable of controlling anything with a functioning brain and nervous system, if the subject lacks the faculty to actually understand the effects, it won't have much effect. Think of it like "your mind makes it real." By tricking the brain and manipulaing the nerves, its effects SEEM real, and feel real. Even if you know something's a trick doesn't mean you can't fall for it.

I forgot I made a sheet for Ada a while ago before some of the mats came out.

That's a good way of balancing balancing out the NP but you may want to make sure to mention it in the sheet as people like me won't make such connections. Also the sheet seems to be more like a Grand Order Profile with the layout with the information, also including things like the selection cards. Not like I'm complaining or anything though.

That does bring the question though, when will people end up styling their sheets to be based around the game though...