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Thread: Create-a-Servant

  1. #13001
    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Rommel tried to assassinate Hitler at one point
    Not really.
    He only had an ambigious relationship to one resistance group.
    The reason Rommel is still more or less popular is based on his war theather being far away from the concentration camps and Nazi propanganda about him
    Aus Feuer ward der Geist geschaffen,
    drum schenkt mir süßes Feuer ein!
    Die Lust der Lieder und der Waffen,
    die Lust der Liebe schenkt mir ein,
    der Trauben süßes Sonnenblut,
    das Wunder glaubt und Wunder thut!

  2. #13002
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Well, he was closely "associated" enough that Hitler got him to commit suicide by cyanide pill after the assassination failed. Even with Hitler (who made a lot of poorly thought out strategic and military decisions) I doubt he'd just randomly kill off his best soldier unless he really thought the guy was a threat. Again, I'd expect the sheet to mention this stuff even if only to dismiss it, as it is a pretty big part of his legend.

  3. #13003
    Mmmm, You're right. For some reason that flew over my head while I was writing it. That entire bit basically translated to 'has a bit of a rebellious streak' in the personality section. hahaha.

    I'll add that in accordingly.

    I was writing Rommel as a guy who wanted glory; rising to fame and running with the propaganda as a likable guy. Secretly, he's ambitious and also self-serving. So when he saw that the tide of war was turning, he probably supported the plot to assassinate Hitler. It would have been more of an act of self-preservation than an actual ideological move. He never really hated the guy who helped make him popular (along with Goebbels and the Nazi propaganda movement).

    That's why his master chose him, since the master is in the business of showbiz now - its the edge he has over the other masters. Rommel was basically their showboat for the early part of the war. It was supposed to fit the entire showbiz/propaganda theme of their team. (That and the fact he personally was there, and they were both, well, nazis.) Also, though I could imagine the guy trying to revive Hitler himself, I feel like that plot has been done to bits.

    He also might not have pulled off a worldwide movie premiere with Hitler as the lead role. Overall, people have a more positive opinion of Rommel; almost heroic, in fact. Hence, that plotline was made.
    Last edited by Paorou; February 10th, 2016 at 01:32 PM.

  4. #13004
    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Well, he was closely "associated" enough that Hitler got him to commit suicide by cyanide pill after the assassination failed.
    And now you give me a source for Hitler ordering that.
    And in fact it got covered up and he got a state funeral.
    Aus Feuer ward der Geist geschaffen,
    drum schenkt mir süßes Feuer ein!
    Die Lust der Lieder und der Waffen,
    die Lust der Liebe schenkt mir ein,
    der Trauben süßes Sonnenblut,
    das Wunder glaubt und Wunder thut!

  5. #13005
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elthanes View Post
    And now you give me a source for Hitler ordering that.
    And in fact it got covered up and he got a state funeral.
    Source is here.

  6. #13006
    闇色の六王権 The Dark Six SpoonyViking's Avatar
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    I'd like to request some help with my own Servants, if you guys don't mind. Specifically:
    - Are the descriptions for Busla's and King Harek's Noble Phantasms easy to understand?
    - Is Ragnar's Military Wisdom Skill too powerful?
    - Are Huld's NP Ranks appropriate, or have I eyeballed them too low?


    Quote Originally Posted by Crying View Post
    I've updated Alaric.
    I really like the new Direptione Romae! That said, I think you can increase his AGI to C, and his chariot should be a bit more powerful. E Rank, only provides a morale bonus, and doesn't even come with its own horses? So here are my suggestions: increase the Rank to B, add some sort of trampling attack, and let it be able to drive around without the need for horses.
    Oh, yeah, another suggestion: didn't he dream about driving a golden chariot through the streets of Rome as they hailed him as emperor? Why not try and incorporate that into the NP somehow (at least in its description)?


    Quote Originally Posted by Paorou View Post
    Caster

    True Name : Master Therion. In fact, he insists to be called this.
    (His real name is Edward Alexander Crowley - Aleister Crowley)
    Very interesting concept, but I have a few comments:
    1) Physical Parameters. If the Association couldn't just disappear with him because of his being a well-connected public figure, he doesn't have any justification for STR and AGI D; even if he had to fend off assassination attempts, consider if he would really need STR D, since, presumably, he would be using his magic to defend himself. My suggestions: lower STR to E and increase END to D (Servants are summoned in their prime, he wouldn't be suffering from asthma).
    2) Under his Magecraft Skill, it would be interesting to note the casting time for his spells. Unless it's the standard casting time as for regular Magi? Even so, I'd suggest adding a note on how he's capable of High-Speed Incantation and Simplified Repetitive Incantation just so he won't have to rely solely on his wand.
    Oh, and don't forget to note what are his elements.
    3) Creation of familiars falls under the Item Creation Skill, if I'm not mistaken; Semiramis uses the Familiars Skill partly to compensate for how her Item Creation can only be used to create poison, and also because it doesn't cost her Prana to maintain the dove familiars. As such, is this Skill really what you envisioned for Corwley?
    Also, do angels even exist in the Nasuverse? And aren't demons different from the traditional Christian view of them?
    My suggestion: instead of using a separate Skill for this, just add a "+" modifier to his Magecraft Skill and note it reflects his expertise in Spirit Evocation (which should already cover the summoning of Elementals, demons, etc.).
    4) The second NP is really cool, and it's one of the few I don't mind having Rank EX. That said: True Magic is closely linked to the passage of time (for instance, the day humans are capable of spatial transportation by technological means, Zelretch's Magic will become simple magic), so I'm not sure it's appropriate for True Magic, of all mysteries, to be immune to the changing of the aeons. Plus, True Magic isn't just "magic, but more powerful", it has definite effects (for instance, unless they somehow cheat, regular magi can't manipulate space or time, so no teleportation, no altering the flow of time, etc.).
    Also, I feel this NP does too much: the weakening of mysteries and Servants are at least related to each other, but the awakening of the Origin, even if it does fit Crowley's philosophy, doesn't really seem to fall under the same effect of "enforcing the changing of the aeons".
    My suggestion: change the description of the first effect to a more general one (i.e., "All non-Thelemic mysteries, unless they somehow come from a period further ahead than the Aeon of Horus, are greatly weakened, while all Thelemic mysteries are strengthened to the point they become comparable to True Magic"), remove the additional effects to Servants with Divinity and similar Skills, and remove the Origin-awakening effect.


    Quote Originally Posted by Master of Chaos View Post
    Class: Shielder (Saber, Leader)
    True Name: Edward of Woodstock
    Gender: Male
    Alignment: Lawful Neutral
    Interesting take on the Black Prince of Wales. I have some comments, though, if you don't mind:
    1) His physical Parameters seem a bit high. I'd suggest reducing at least AGI to B, myself. Plus, even though it's only C-Rank, his LCK seems quite high, considering you've taken the approach that he actually lived under a curse. Also, since the curse still affected him physically, END B also seems a bit high - although I suppose that would fall under the purview of the Weak Constitution Skill?
    2) Even taking into account it's boosted by his shield, his Magic Resistance is way too high for someone whose legend doesn't feature supernatural happenings. I'd suggest lowering the base value to C, which would end up boosted to B by the shield (but see below).
    3) I know "Grand Order" introduced the Shielder Class, but I'm not familiar with this Leader Class. Is it also from GO?
    4) Is this "Predisposition to Sadism" Skill the same as Sadistic Constitution? In that case, shouldn't it also reduce his defensive skills as his attack power increases?
    5) I like his NPs, but I'd rather Ich Dien's description was based entirely on the Black Prince, not on a generic belief about knights' shields.

  7. #13007
    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Source is here.
    I still don't see a source for that claim on the site
    Aus Feuer ward der Geist geschaffen,
    drum schenkt mir süßes Feuer ein!
    Die Lust der Lieder und der Waffen,
    die Lust der Liebe schenkt mir ein,
    der Trauben süßes Sonnenblut,
    das Wunder glaubt und Wunder thut!

  8. #13008
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Admittedly, the matter does seem to be somewhat more complicated then I thought. Rommel didn't actually want to assassinate Hitler (he thought it would lead to civil war), but rather wanted him to be put on trail and jailed for his crimes against humanity. He did go along with the assassination attempt (more or less) though as a last resort. Have a Wikipedia dump!

    Quote Originally Posted by Wikipedia
    Plot against Hitler

    Main article: 20 July plot
    There had always been opposition to Hitler in conservative circles and in the Army, the Schwarze Kapelle (Black Orchestra), but Hitler's dazzling successes in 1938–1941 had stifled it. However, after the Soviet campaign failed, and the Axis suffered more defeats, this opposition underwent a revival.



    Bomb blast damage following attempt to kill Hitler on 20 July 1944.


    Early in 1944, three of Rommel's closest friends—the Oberbürgermeister of Stuttgart, Karl Strölin (who had served with Rommel in the First World War), Alexander von Falkenhausen, and Carl Heinrich von Stülpnagel—began efforts to bring Rommel into the anti-Hitler conspiracy. They felt that as by far the most popular officer in Germany, he would lend their cause badly needed credibility with the populace. Meetings between Rommel and them were organized by Rommel's chief of staff Hans Speidel. Additionally, the conspirators felt they needed the support of a field marshal on active duty. Erwin von Witzleben, who would have become commander-in-chief of the Wehrmacht if Hitler had been overthrown, was a field marshal, but had not been on active duty since 1942. Sometime in February, Rommel agreed to lend his support to the conspiracy in order to, as he put it, "come to the rescue of Germany."[216]

    Rommel opposed assassinating Hitler. After the war, his widow—among others—maintained that Rommel believed an assassination attempt would spark civil war in Germany and Austria, and Hitler would have become a martyr for a lasting cause.[217] Instead, Rommel insisted that Hitler be arrested and brought to trial for his crimes.[216] At Spiedel's urging, Rommel wrote a letter to Hitler telling him that the troops in the west were hopelessly overmatched despite "fighting heroically." He urged Hitler to "draw the proper conclusions without delay." The message was clear--Rommel felt the war must end. He later told Spiedel that this letter was Hitler's "last chance" to save himself, and "if he does not take it, we will act."[218]

    After the failed bomb attack of 20 July, many conspirators were arrested and the dragnet expanded to anyone even suspected of participating. It did not take long for Rommel's involvement to come to light. Rommel's name was first mentioned when Stülpnagel blurted it out during an interrogation after he failed in an attempt at suicide.[219] Later, another conspirator, Caesar von Hofacker, admitted under particularly severe Gestapo interrogation that Rommel was actively involved.[220]

    Additionally, Carl Goerdeler, the main civilian leader of the Resistance, wrote on several letters and other documents that Rommel was a potential supporter and an acceptable military leader to be placed in a position of responsibility should their coup succeed. Nazi party officials in France reported that Rommel extensively and scornfully criticised Nazi incompetence and crimes. Gestapo agents went to Rommel's house in Ulm and placed him under partial house arrest.


    Death



    Rommel's funeral procession.


    The "Court of Military Honour"—a drumhead court-martial convened to decide the fate of officers involved in the conspiracy—included three men with whom Rommel had crossed swords before: Heinz Guderian, Gerd von Rundstedt and Heinrich Kirchheim[221] (the latter whom Rommel had fired after Tobruk in 1941).[106] The Court decided that Rommel should be expelled from the Army in disgrace and brought before Roland Freisler's People's Court, a kangaroo court that always decided in favour of the prosecution. However, Hitler knew that having Rommel branded as a traitor would severely damage morale on the home front. He and Wilhelm Keitel thus decided to offer Rommel the chance to take his own life.[222]

    Two generals from Hitler's headquarters, Wilhelm Burgdorf and Ernst Maisel, visited Rommel at his home on 14 October 1944. Burgdorf informed him of the charges and offered him a choice: he could either face the People's Court--which would have been tantamount to a death sentence--or choose a quiet suicide. In the former case, his family would have suffered even before the all-but-certain conviction and execution, and his staff would have been arrested and executed as well. In the latter case, the government would claim that he died a hero and bury him with full military honours, and his family would receive full pension payments. Burgdorf had brought a cyanide capsule. Rommel retired to think the matter over, during which he learned that SS detachments had surrounded his village. He realized that if he agreed to face the People's Court, he would have likely been "shot while trying to escape" before he even made it to Berlin. With this in mind, Rommel opted to commit suicide, and explained his decision to his wife and son.[223][224] Carrying his field marshal's baton, Rommel went to Burgdorf's Opel, driven by SS Master Sergeant Heinrich Doose, and was driven out of the village. After stopping, Doose and Maisel walked away from the car, leaving Rommel with Burgdorf. Five minutes later Burgdorf gestured to the two men to return to the car, and Doose noticed that Rommel was slumped over, having taken the cyanide. Ten minutes later the group phoned Rommel's wife to inform her of Rommel's death.[225][226][227]


    Memorial at the site where Rommel was forced to take his own life, near Herrlingen, Baden-Württemberg.



    Rommel's grave


    The official story of Rommel's death, as initially reported to the public, stated that Rommel had succumbed to his injuries from the earlier strafing of his staff car.[228] To further strengthen the story, Hitler ordered an official day of mourning in commemoration. As previously promised, Rommel was given a state funeral. The fact that his state funeral was held in Ulm instead of Berlin had, according to his son, been stipulated by Rommel.[229] Hitler sent Field Marshal von Rundstedt, who was unaware that Rommel had died as a result of Hitler's orders, as his representative at Rommel's funeral.[230] Rommel had specified that no political paraphernalia be displayed on his corpse, but the Nazis made sure his coffin was festooned with swastikas. The truth behind Rommel's death became known to the Allies when intelligence officer Charles Marshall interviewed Rommel's widow, Lucia Rommel,[231] as well as from a letter by Rommel's son Manfred in April 1945.[232]

    Following the war, Rommel's diary and letters were edited by military historian B. H. Liddell Hart and published as The Rommel Papers. His grave can be found in Herrlingen, a short distance west of Ulm. For decades after the war on the anniversary of his death, veterans of the Africa campaign, including former opponents, would gather at Rommel's tomb in Herrlingen.[233] He is the only member of the Third Reich establishment to have a museum dedicated to him.[234]

    In 2013, it was revealed that Friedrich Breiderhoff wrote a report for the Cologne police on 22 July 1960, describing the circumstances which forced him to falsify Rommel's death certificate in 1944.[235]
    Is that enough to satisfy you, Elthanes....?

  9. #13009
    All of Your Sadness Crying's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Is that enough to satisfy you, Elthanes....?
    You could have just linked to the source...

    Quote Originally Posted by SpoonyViking View Post
    I really like the new Direptione Romae! That said, I think you can increase his AGI to C, and his chariot should be a bit more powerful. E Rank, only provides a morale bonus, and doesn't even come with its own horses? So here are my suggestions: increase the Rank to B, add some sort of trampling attack, and let it be able to drive around without the need for horses.
    Oh, yeah, another suggestion: didn't he dream about driving a golden chariot through the streets of Rome as they hailed him as emperor? Why not try and incorporate that into the NP somehow (at least in its description)?
    Alaric himself isn't as famous as the act which he committed, so I'm trying to make his whole thing revolve around Direptione Romae and sieging the enemy/attacking the enemy's territory.

    His mount is rather weak because neither he nor his mount are particularly famous or strong in life.

    Still, maybe I made it a bit too weak...

  10. #13010
    Generally, I believe the rule is that if you think something seems too weak in a Servant sheet, and that something isn't revered on a similar level to Excalibur, you're probably wrong. There are Riders whose mounts aren't even Noble Phantasms, so if he isn't really deserving of a stronger mount then don't give him one. In fact... I was going to keep from posting this
    until I had an actual design
    for a little while longer
    but this seems like the perfect time to put up a Servant arguably worse than Mata Hari, who I am worried still might be too strong for who they are.

    Summoning
    The spell had failed. A mangled mass of animal parts, some feline, and some arachnoid, lay unmoving in the magic circle. For the heir of the Peryden family, who were able to create chimeras and nothing else, such a failure was abhorrible. Cyrus swore and turned away from his failed ritual.

    Returning to his desk on which an old notebook sat open, Cyrus examined the detailed drawing and brief text that covered the page. He had copied the magic circle exactly, and followed the instructions to the letter, but nothing had happened except for him stupidly wasting magical energy. Absent-mindedly, he rubbed the back of his hand, that had somehow been bruised the night before.

    He sighed. “Whichever ancestor of mine wrote this in his notes was an idiot. Maybe it’s good for some other type of spell, but for us this is useless. Damn…! The family’s degraded enough as is, if all I have to work with are these old notes then I’m-”

    A twinge on the back of his hand caught his attention, and he looked down to see an intricate red shape appear, replacing the bruise.

    “What the…”

    “Sorry, Master.”

    With a yell, Cyrus turned and stumbled against the desk. Standing over his failed chimera was a short… boy? carrying a sword much too large for the hand holding it.

    “Master, are you alright?”

    “Wh-who the hell are you?!”

    The intruder furrowed their eyebrows in confusion, before understanding began to come over their face. “You didn’t summon me intentionally, did you?” A sigh. “That does explain it.”

    “Summon you? I can’t summon anything, let alone a fully formed… human?”

    “But you have the Command Spells, so you must be my Master even if you don’t understand. That’s probably better, if you were expecting a real hero I’d just be disappointing.”

    “You haven’t answered my question! Who are you?”

    “If I told you my name, you’d just get depressed. Instead, you can call me Assassin. I may just be a worthless little girl, but my sword is yours. You see, Master, the Holy Grail War is…”



    Class: Assassin
    True Name: Romula Augusta
    Master: Cyrus Peryden
    Sex: Female
    Height: 149cm
    Weight: 40kg
    Alignment: Neutral Evil
    Armament: Sword
    Attribute:
    Beast


    STR: E-
    END: E
    AGI: D
    MGI: D
    LUC: E-
    NP: A-

    Class Skills:
    Presence Concealment E: The capacity to hide one’s presence as a Servant. Though Assassin is the only class she can be summoned into, it is still one entirely unbefitting for her. Improves the ability to sneak around undetected, but the actual benefit is small.

    Personal Skills:
    Powerless Wretch A: A quality of the Servant who did nothing in life. It does not conceal their presence like the class skill, but makes their presence so inconsequential that it goes easily unnoticed. A skill whose owner has no right to call themselves a Heroic Spirit.

    Keywords:
    ROMA
    The World. My spear. Myself. My children. My people. You.
    The greatest empire in the history of Earth. Built by the King of Nation Founding Romulus, made a republic by Brutus, transformed into the Roman Empire by Augustus, moved by Constantine, split by Theodosius. In some form or another, the nation of Rome lasted for over 2000 years, and even after its death it gave legitimacy to other empires and kings. Even the legendary King Arthur owed authority to Rome.

    Rome engulfed the World, so the World is also Rome. It is not that Rome fell; the destruction of Rome requires the destruction of the World. The Roman Empire survived in the east for a thousand years after it fell in the west, and the west was succeeded by Holy Rome which survived for even longer. Even now, millions of believers in a messiah who was murdered by Rome continue to look to Rome itself for their spiritual guidance. Rome is the foundation of all human history. As long as humanity survives, so too will Rome.
    In the words of the deep crimson divine ancestor: You too are Rome.
    -
    King of Endings
    A mocking title. One who ruled in name only, and in so doing brought ruin to their country. Not a recognition of being on the same level as legendary kings like the King of Knights or the King of Battle, but a constant reminder that they are light years apart.

    Noble Phantasm
    Regni Ruinam: The Little Disgrace Which Ends the World
    Type: Anti-Self, Anti-World
    Rank: A++
    Range: -
    Maximum Targets: -
    The sole reason that Assassin, who never killed anyone, is summoned as the Heroic Spirit of Murder. This is not merely a Noble Phantasm to end a life, but the World itself. The crystallization of her final decree as the emperor of the World. Repeating it, she casts away her very being to destroy everything she knows and loves. Beyond a mere suicide attack- her existence as a Heroic Spirit itself is destroyed. The result is a violent torrent to wash away everything. A Noble Phantasm with the highest cost, but…

    Rome was founded by Romulus and Augustus, and ended by Romulus Augustus.
    The Roman Republic was founded by Lucius Junius Brutus, and ended by Marcus Junius Brutus.
    Byzantium was founded by Constantine, and ended by Constantine XI.
    A cycle.
    The crystallization of her first decree as emperor of the World. A selfish・ selfless wish. To end the World mercifully before she had to watch it be destroyed by another. An impossible, ignorant, innocent desire.
    I am Rome. You are Rome. Augustulus is Rome. Odoacer is Rome.
    Romulus・ Numa・ Tullus・ Ancus・ Priscus・ Servius・ Tarquinius is Rome.
    Julius・ Augustus・ Tiberius・ Gaius・ Claudius・ Nero is Rome.
    Ravenna・ Vienna・ Constantinople・ Camelot is Rome.
    Aventine・ Caelian・ Capitoline・ Esquiline・ Quirinal・ Viminal・ Palatine is Rome.
    Remus・ Hannibal・ Brutus・ Attila・ Mehmed is Rome.
    Mankind is Rome.
    Mankind can burn. Mankind can crumble. Mankind can fall.
    But Mankind will not die.
    Rome will not die.
    Romula Augusta will not die.
    More than the destruction of everything- the fall of this Rome is the chance for the birth of another. In the ruins of the empire, this Noble Phantasm breathes new life into the girl who was emperor.
    A decision made by the World itself. A decision made simultaneously by every king・ emperor・ civilian of Rome. To end the World, for the senate and the people of Rome. It will be alright. Rome will live again, forever.

    Destroying her own existence as the death of Rome, Assassin releases the whole history of Rome. The entire emperor-series of Heroic Spirits set aside their differences for the sake of Rome, and stand alongside her. Though it appears that they lend their support to a single usage of Magna Voluisse Magnum: All Roads Lead to My Spear, even the crimson founder is only a visual effect. In truth, it is a last-ditch attack which burns every scrap of
    crystallized lore
    mystery
    that makes up her being, leaving only a
    spirit
    girl
    in its wake. The destructive might is great, but perhaps its true value is in the sacrifice it imposes on Assassin…

    In layman's terms...
    Assassin cries out her one and only order in life, "there is no need for an emperor in the west," and the entire fabric of her being as a Heroic Spirit is ignited to produce a wave of destructive energy. As far as she is aware, this permanently destroys her existence as a Heroic Spirit, removing herself from the Throne of Heroes. As a side effect of unleashing herself as something representative of the Roman Empire, this has the effect of making images (though they are nothing more than that) of the other emperor-series Heroic Spirits, like Nero and Caesar, appear alongside her to offer their support, with Romulus' spear being the focal point from which the wave of energy is produced. Afterwards, rather than being completely destroyed, the record of Assassin who used to be the Heroic Spirit Romula Augusta is left, all of her mystery having been spent in the attack. Confused as to why she is not obliterated and with an emotional revelation thanks to her supportive predecessors, Assassin is no longer anything more than a simple spirit, able to easily be maintained by her Master even after the Holy Grail War. Cut off from the Throne, even after her death that record will not return to the true Romula Augusta on the Throne of Heroes, so no matter how many times she is summoned, as long as she ends each summoning with her Noble Phantasm she will never have any memories of it.


    Bio
    Background: The daughter of Orestes, the secretary of
    Altera
    Attila
    the Hun. Inspired by the Huns’ management of Attila, Orestes raised his daughter as a boy, the infamous Romulus Augustus. A puppet to her father’s whims, Romula was placed on the throne of the Western Roman Empire at a young age after Orestes deposed the previous emperor sent from Byzantium, Julius Nepos. Unable to exercise any actual control over the empire, Romula was manipulated by Orestes for the months in which she was emperor, until the rebel soldier Odoacer executed her father and usurped the throne. Taking pity on the young girl, Odoacer spared Romula’s life by exiling her. One final order was left by the emperor Romulus Augustus: a separate emperor for the Western empire was no longer necessary. Odoacer took the title of king, and as Romula left the face of history with nothing but disaster to her name, the Roman Empire breathed its last.


    Blood type: Unknown
    Birthday: Unknown
    Image color: Purple
    Talent: Self-deprecation
    Likes: Rome
    Dislikes: Herself, Odoacer
    Natural enemy: Herself, Berserker


    Grand Order stats because I have too much time on my hands
    1★ N
    Cost 3 - Max Level 60
    ATK 889 - Max ATK 4924
    HP 1228 - Max HP 6143
    QQAAB
    Star Rate: 10.1% (Hits: 1A, 1B, 1Q, 2E)
    Death Rate: 55.0%
    Crit Weight: 106
    NP Charge: 1.07% / 4%
    S Growth
    Traits: Servant, Humanoid, Roman, Weak to Enuma Elish
    Skills:
    Powerless Wretch A (Evade attacks and greatly increase critical damage for 1 turn) 8 turn cooldown
    40% - 44% - 48% - 52% - 56% - 60% - 64% - 68% - 72% - 80%
    Class Skills:
    Presence Concealment E (Increase critical star rate by 2%)
    Noble Phantasm: Regni Ruinam: The Little Disgrace Which Ends the World (Buster)
    A++ Anti-Self, Anti-World
    Powerful attack to all enemies (increases with overcharge)
    300% - 400% - 450% - 475% - 500%
    Bonus damage against Romans (increases with level)
    150% - 162.5% - 175% - 187.5% - 200%
    Instantly kills the user
    500%
    1st Ascension: 10,000QP, Assassin Piece x2
    2nd Ascension: 30,000QP, Octuplet Twin Crystal x3, Assassin Pieces x4
    3rd Ascension: 90,000QP, Dragon’s Reverse Scale x2, Chaos Claw x1, Assassin Monument x2
    4th Ascension: 300,000QP, Chaos Claw x2, Heart of a Foreign God x2, Assassin Monument x4
    Skill Levels:
    1: Default
    2: 10,000QP, Radiant Stone of Killing x2
    3: 20,000QP, Radiant Stone of Killing x4
    4: 60,000QP, Magic Stone of Killing x2
    5: 80,000 QP, Magic Stone of Killing x4, Dragon’s Reverse Scale x1
    6: 200,000QP, Secret Stone of Killing x2, Dragon’s Reverse Scale x2
    7: 250,000QP, Secret Stone of Killing x4, Octuplet Twin Crystals x2
    8: 500,000QP, Octuplet Twin Crystals x4, Infinity Gear x2
    9: 600,000QP, Infinity Gear x6, Heart of a Foreign God x4
    10: 1,000,000QP, Crystallized Lore x1

    The final emperor of Rome. A puppet placed on the throne by her father.
    After a short reign, she was deposed and exiled. Having been unable to even try to save it, she disappeared, and the Roman empire crumbled.

    Height/Weight: 149cm・40kg
    Source: Historical fact
    Region: Europe
    Alignment: Neutral Evil
    Gender: Female
    Because of her father, she’s used to being treated as a male.

    Powerless Wretch: A
    A skill belonging to Heroic Spirits who did nothing to deserve that title in life. There is no one better suited for such a skill than Romula.
    Makes the owner go easily unnoticed. Normally it is roughly as effective as Presence Concealment, but once attention is drawn to herself, she is helpless.

    The father of Romula Augusta, Orestes, was a man who served the Hunnic king, Altera. Witnessing the success of a king who did not truly rule, he raised his young daughter as a boy so that he could one day use her to rule Rome.

    However, her father’s rival Odoacer quickly came to power, and before she had been emperor for a year, he killed Orestes and banished her.

    Regni Ruinam - The Little Disgrace Which Ends the World
    Rank: A++
    Type: Anti-Self, Anti-World
    The end of the World. A desperate final attack using the very essence of Romula’s existence, the fall of Rome. It releases everything that she is, even preventing her record from returning to the Throne, but the output is not unlike the other Noble Phantasm which symbolizes Rome.

    Her wish for the Holy Grail is to have had the power to save Rome. Her regret isn’t from any love for the empire itself, but rather her own self-loathing, and maybe something of a sense of duty to her namesake.
    She’s a troublesome youngest child, but she too is Rome.
    Last edited by Clockehwork; February 12th, 2016 at 04:01 AM.

  11. #13011
    All of Your Sadness Crying's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Clockehwork View Post
    King of Endings character sheet
    I'll be honest; It took me two to three readings of her Noble Phantasm to actually understand what the hell it did. You might want to make it slightly easier to understand.

    Still, this is a very unique Servant and I could easily see it showing up in canon material.

    --EDIT--

    Generally, I believe the rule is that if you think something seems too weak in a Servant sheet, and that something isn't revered on a similar level to Excalibur, you're probably wrong. There are Riders whose mounts aren't even Noble Phantasms, so if he isn't really deserving of a stronger mount then don't give him one.
    I was actually going to bring this up in my previous post, but forgot.

    Not every Servant needs to be able to fight Arturia, Gilgamesh, Iskander, etc... some Servants just aren't A-tier like them.
    Last edited by Crying; February 12th, 2016 at 03:34 AM.

  12. #13012
    Yeah, the way it's worded is kind of intentionally that way, because it's only half the explanation (the other half, of course, being the inevitable climactic scene in which she uses it), so you have one part showing what it does and one part explaining why it does. Hence the third paragraph that actually explains it somewhat instead of being more conceptual mumbo-jumbo. I did consider a fourth that plainly spells out what it does but opted not to because of how it's meant to be viewed after actually seeing it used. Convenient for posting here, true, but hopefully redundant for the readers of the full thing. I suppose taking a couple minutes to clarify just for here wouldn't hurt, though.

  13. #13013
    All of Your Sadness Crying's Avatar
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    So you're planning on using her in a fanfic or something?

  14. #13014
    Yes, she's to be the main heroine. Like Saber, if Saber was absolutely terrible. It's why she has a clearly characterized Master, and why an unnamed Berserker is listed as one of her natural enemies (definitely isn't referring to Heracles). I would have already started it by now, but compared to Servants coming up with good Masters is hard (and more importantly boring).

  15. #13015
    All of Your Sadness Crying's Avatar
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    Class: Assassin
    Master:
    True Name:
    Sawney Bean, the Maneater
    Sex: Male
    Alignment: Chaotic Evil
    Height/Weight: 187cm/77kg
    Appearance/Faceclaim: Damn these things are hard to find.

    Strength: D
    Endurance: E
    Agility: D
    Magical Energy: E
    Luck: C
    Noble Phantasm: D

    Class Skills:
    Presence Concealment:
    A
    Complete presence cut off makes detection near impossible. Switching to the preparation of an attack drops the rank of Presence Concealment greatly, this weakness can be compensated by "Murderer of the Misty Night," and a near-perfect surprise attack is possible.

    Personal Skills:
    Guilty Monster:
    A
    Similar to Innocent Monster, Guilty Monster is a skill possessed by Heroic Spirits who’s legend has been distorted by the monstrous reputation they’ve accrued. Unlike Innocent Monster, there is nothing but merit in this reputation. In Sawney Bean’s case, it has resulted in a horribly distorted appearance that one would expect of a cave-dwelling, incestuous cannibal.

    Murderer of the Misty Night: C
    A skill associated with the Servant's nature as a serial killer rather than as an Assassin, which permits preemptive strike against all opponents. However, unconditional success of the skill is possible only at night. Requires a successful Luck Check for use during daytime. At this rank it is possible for someone with combat experience to react in time to stop their murder.

    Mental Pollution: A
    Makes it highly possible to shut out any mental interference Thaumaturgy, due to possessing a distorted mentality. However, at the same time it becomes impossible to come to an understanding with individuals that do not possess an equivalent rank of mental pollution. A rank to be expected from someone who lives in cave, permits and partakes in incest and eats people to hide their murder.

    Noble Phantasm:
    The Bean Clan:
    D (Anti-Unit)
    Sawney’s family is tied so intimately into his legend that he is capable of summoning their wraiths to help him partake in depravity once again when summoned for a Holy Grail War.
    In theory all forty-six of his kin are capable of fighting a Servant. In practice all of them are far too weak to fight even an enemy Master… or they would be, if they didn’t share all of Sawney’s skills, albeit at a reduced rank.

    Bean Clan Wraith:
    Strength:
    NA (They're barely stronger than a regular human being)
    Endurance: NA (They're barely more durable than a regular human being)
    Agility: NA (They're barely faster than a regular human being)
    Magical Energy: NA (They have no more prana than a regular human being)
    Luck: NA (They're barely luckier than a regular human being)

    Presence Concealment:
    C
    Less stealthy than their clan patriarch, they’re still almost undetectable unless preparing for an attack.
    Mental Pollution: C
    Most of them never knew any better, having been raised doing what their parents were doing.
    Guilty Monster: C
    Most of them never knew any better, having been raised doing what their parents were doing.
    Murderer of the Misty Night: E
    Not as efficient as their clan patriarch. Even at night they require a successful Luck Check.
    Last edited by Crying; February 12th, 2016 at 09:31 PM.

  16. #13016
    夜魔 Nightmare ZSB1999's Avatar
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    Rider
    Theme


    True Name: Vasco Núńez de Balboa
    Sex: Male
    Alignment: Lawful Evil
    Place of Origin: Spain
    Height/Weight: 1.89m/75kg
    Weapons:
    Sword and Flag (Spear)
    History
    Faceclaim



    Stats-
    Strength: C (B+)
    Endurance: B (A+)
    Agility: D (C+)
    Magical Energy: D (C+)
    Luck: A (A++)
    Noble Phantasm: B++


    Class Skills:

    Magic Resistance:
    D
    Cancels Single-Action spells. Magic Resistance of the same degree of an amulet that rejects magical energy.

    Riding: C
    Normally those whose mounts are ships wouldn't have Riding, but because he was a conquistador he would have been trained in riding horses
    Most vehicles and beasts can be handled with average ability, horses can be handled with above average ability.

    Personal Skills:

    Voyager of the Storm:
    A
    The talent to sail vessels recognized as ships. Because the ability as a group leader is also necessary, this unique Skill also has the effects of both Charisma and Military Tactics.

    Pioneer of the Stars: A
    "Discovered" the South Sea (Pacific Ocean)
    All difficult voyages and challenges which are considered "impossible" turn into "events that can be realized".

    Animal Dialogue: C-
    Able to reach a mutual understanding, but only with his dog.

    Invader: A++
    When fighting a Servant who was summoned in their homeland, (ex. Cu Chulainn in Ireland) or a Servant with the skill Golden Rule, Rider gains a rank-up to all stats except Noble Phantasm. If fighting a Servant with both Golden Rule and in their homeland (Gilgamesh in Babylon) Rider does NOT get double the bonus.

    Skills of a Stowaway- C+
    Grants Rider and his dog Presence Concealment- C, Rider gains a bonus to persuasion and gains Disengage- C

    Noble Phantasms-

    He who explored the South Sea
    Explorer of the Mar del Sur- D-
    Rider summons two ships that fire cannons at the enemy, cannot be used until five days after Rider has been summoned.
    (This is because in life Rider's fleet had to be dismantled and moved piece by piece over land to the other side of America)

    Governor of the South Sea
    Adelantado of the Mar del Sur- B++
    Rider places his flag in the ground and creates a territory that has a 500m radius. While fighting in this area Rider and his dog gain a Plus to all Stats except Noble Phantasm. To use this NP Rider must seal the skill Skills of a Stowaway

    Stowaway's War Dog, Little Lion
    Leoncico- B+
    Rider is summoned with this dog. Rider's war dog that stayed with him throughout his life, even going on explorations and into battles with him. Given to him when Leoncico was still a puppy as a gift from Rider's commander Ponce de Leon in gratitude for his service. Rider would bring this dog with him when he became a stowaway. Leoncico is a deadly armored beast that has been through many battles and explorations. Rider has been known to call Leoncico "the cutest little thing he's ever seen". In life he loved his dog so much that he would pay him a wage, like he did for his soldiers.
    (The number one way to piss off Rider is killing his dog, don't do it!)
    Faceclaim


    Stats-
    Strength- B (A+)
    Endurance- C (B+)
    Agility- B (A+)
    Magical Energy- E (D+)
    Luck- B (A+)

    Skills-
    Invader- A++
    Presence Detection- B
    Animal Dialogue- A
    Human Dialogue- C-
    Able to reach an understanding only with his master.
    Innocent Monster- C
    Appears as Monstrous looking dog, because the hounds where thought of as demons by the Natives, and is larger than the average Akbash
    Leoncico gains no bonus from this it only alters his appearance and size.

    Short Story on Leoncico and Balboa that show's Rider's personality (Warning its Long)
    “Balboa” a short story by Sabina Murray
    Vasco Núńez de Balboa ascends the mountain alone. His one thousand Indians and two hundred Spaniards wait at the foot of the mountain, as if they are the Israelites and Balboa alone is off to speak with God. Balboa knows that from this peak he will be able to see the western water, what he has already decided to name the South Sea. He takes a musket with him. The Spaniards have been warned that if they follow, he will use it, because discovery is a tricky matter and he wants no competition. The day is September 25, 1513.
    Balboa ascends slowly. His musket is heavy and he would have gladly left it down below, but he doesn’t trust his countrymen any more than he trusts the sullen Indians. So he bears the weight. But the musket is nothing. He is dragging the mantle[1] of civilization up the pristine slopes, over the mud, over the leaves that cast as much shade as a parasol[2] but with none of the charm.
    Balboa is that divining line[3] between the modern and the primitive. As he moves, the shadow of Spain moves with him.
    Balboa steps cautiously into a muddy stream and watches with fascination as his boot sinks and sinks. He will have to find another way. Upstream he sees an outcropping of rock. Maybe he can cross there. He tells himself that there is no hurry, but years of staying just ahead of trouble have left him anxiety-ridden. He would like to think of himself as a lion. Balboa the Lion! But no, he is more of a rat, and all of his accomplishments have been made with speed and stealth. Balboa places his hand on a branch and pulls himself up. He sees the tail of a snake disappearing just past his reach. The subtle crush of greenery confirms his discovery and he shrinks back, crouching. In this moment of stillness, he looks around. He sees no other serpents, but that does not mean they are not there. Only in this momentary quiet does he hear his breath, rasping with effort. He hears his heart beating in the arced fingers of his ribs as if it is an Indian’s drum. He does not remember what it is to be civilized, or if he ever was. If ever a man was alone, it is he. But even in this painful solitude, he cannot help but laugh. Along with Cristóbal Colón, backed by Isabel I herself, along with Vespucci the scholar, along with the noble Pizarro brothers[4]on their way to claim Inca gold, his name will live—Balboa. Balboa! Balboa the Valiant. Balboa the Fearsome. Balboa the Brave.
    Balboa the gambling pig farmer, who, in an effort to escape his and tastes like dirt, which is a relief after what he has been drinking— water so green that the very act of ingesting it seems unnatural, as though it is as alive as he, and sure enough, given a few hours, it will get you back, eager to find its way out. He has been climbing since early morning and it is now noon. The sun shines in the sky unblinking, white-hot. Balboa wonders if it’s the same sun that shines in Spain. The sun seemed so much smaller there. Even in Hispaniola[5],the sun was Spanish. Even as he prodded his pigs in the heat, there was Spain all around, men with dice, men training roosters, pitting their dogs against each other. But here…then he hears a twig snap and the sound of something brushing up against the bushes. Balboa stands.
    “I give you this one chance to turn back,” he says, raising his musket as he turns. And then he freezes. It is not one of the Spaniards hoping to share the glory. Instead, he finds himself face-to-face with a great spotted cat. On this mountain, he's thought he might find his god, the god of Moses, sitting in the cloud cover near the peaks, running his fingers through his beard. But no. Instead he finds himself face-to-face with a jaguar, the god of the Indians. He knows why these primitives have chosen it for their deity. It is hard to fear one’s maker when he looks like one’s grandfather, but this great cat can make a people fear god. He hears the growling of the cat and the grating, high-pitched thunder sounds like nothing he has ever heard. The cat twitches its nose and two great incisors show at the corners of its mouth. Balboa raises his musket, ignites the flint[6], and nothing happens. He tries again and the weapon explodes, shattering the silence, sending up a big puff of stinking smoke. The cat is gone for now, but Balboa knows he hasn’t even injured it.
    And now it will be tailing him silently.
    There is nothing he can do about it. He should have brought an Indian with him. The Indians have all seen the South Sea before, so why did he leave them at the foot of the mountain? They have no more in claiming the South Sea than they do rowing off to Europe in their dug-out canoes[7] and claiming Spain. But Balboa’s hindsight is always good, and no amount of swearing—which he does freely, spilling Spanish profanity into the virgin mountain air—is going to set things straight.
    He is already in trouble. His kingdom in Darién on the east coast of the New World is under threat, and not from the Indians, whom he manages well, but from Spain. Balboa had organized the rebellion, supplanted the governor—all of this done with great efficiency and intelligence. What stupidity made him send the governor, Martín Fernández de Enciso, back to Spain? Enciso swore that he would have Balboa’s head on a platter. He was yelling from the deck of the ship as it set sail. Why didn’t he kill Enciso? Better yet, why didn’t he turn Enciso over to some Indian tribe that would be glad to have the Spaniard, glad to have his blood on their hands? How could Balboa be so stupid? Soon the caravels[8] would arrive and his days as governor (king, he tells the Indians) of Darién will be over. Unless, Balboa thinks, unless he brings glory by being the first to claim this great ocean for Spain. Then the king will see him as the greatest of his subjects, not a troublemaking peasant, a keeper of pigs.
    Unless that jaguar gets him first.
    Balboa looks nervously around. The only sound is the trickle and splash of the stream that he is following, which the Indians tell him leads to a large outcropping of rock from which he will see the new ocean. Insects swoop malevolently[9] around his head. A yellow and red parrot watches him cautiously from a branch, first looking from one side of its jeweled head, then the other. Where is the jaguar? Balboa imagines his body being dragged into a tree, his boots swinging from the limbs as the great cat tears his heart from his ribs. He hears a crushing of vegetation and ducks low. He readies his musket again. “Please God, let the damned thing fire.” He breathes harshly, genuflecting[10], musket steady.
    The leaves quiver, then part. There is no jaguar.
    “Leoncico!” he cries out. Leoncico is his dog, who has tracked him up the slope. Leoncico patters over, wagging his tail, his great wrinkled head bearded with drool. Leoncico is a monster of a dog. His head is the size of a man’s, and his body has the look of a lion—shoulders and hipbones protruding and muscle pulling and shifting beneath the glossy skin—which is where he gets his name. “Leoncico” means little lion.
    “Good dog,” says Balboa. “Good dog. Good dog.”
    He has never been so grateful for the company, not even when he was hidden on board Enciso’s ship bound for San Sebastian, escaping his creditors, wrapped in a sail. No one wondered why the dog had come on board. Maybe the dog had been attracted by the smell of provisions, the great barrels of salted meat. The soldiers fed him, gave him water. Balboa worried that Leoncico would give him away, but the dog had somehow known to be quiet. He had slept beside Balboa, and even in Balboa’s thirst and hunger, the great beast’s panting and panting, warm through the sailcloth, had given him comfort. When Enciso’s crew finally discovered Balboa—one of the sails was torn and needed to be replaced—they did not punish him. They laughed.
    “The Indians massacre everyone. You are better off in a debtors’ prison,” they said.
    Balboa became a member of the crew. When the boat shipwrecked off the coast of San Sebastian (they were rescued by Francisco Pizarro), Enciso had been at a loss as to where to go, and Balboa convinced him to try Darién to the north. Once established there, Enciso had shown himself to be a weak man. How could Balboa not act? Enciso did not understand the Indians as Balboa did. He could see that the Indians were battle-hardened warriors. The Spaniards had not been there long enough to call these armies into existence. Balboa’s strength had been to recognize this discord. He divided the great tribes, supported one against the other. His reputation spread. His muskets blasted away the faces of the greatest warriors. Balboa’s soldiers spread smallpox and syphilis. His Spanish war dogs, great mastiffs and wolfhounds, tore children limb from limb. The blood from his great war machine made the rivers flow red and his name, Balboa, moved quickly, apace[11] with these rivers of blood.
    Balboa is loved by no one and feared by all. He has invented an unequaled terror. The Indians think of him as a god. They make no distinction between good and evil. They have seen his soldiers tear babies from their mothers, toss them still screaming to feed the dogs. They have seen the great dogs pursue the escaping Indians, who must hear nothing but a great panting, the jangle of the dogs’ armor, and then, who knows? Do they feel the hot breath on their cheek? Are they still awake when the beasts unravel their stomachs and spill them onto the hot earth? Balboa’s dogs have been his most effective weapon because for them, one does not need to carry ammunition, as for the muskets; one does not need to carry food, as for the soldiers. For the dogs, there is fresh meat everywhere. He knows his cruelty will be recorded along with whatever he discovers. This does not bother him, even though one monk, Dominican—strange fish—cursed him back in Darién. He was a young monk, tormented by epileptic[12] fits.
    He approached Balboa in the town square in his bare feet, unarmed, waving his shrunken fist.
    “Your dogs,” screamed the monk, “are demons.”
    As if understanding, Leoncico had lunged at the monk. Leoncico is not a demon. He is the half of Balboa with teeth, the half that eats. Balboa has the mind and appetite. Together, they make one. It is as if the great beast can hear his thoughts, as if their hearts and lungs circulate the same blood and air. What did the monk understand of that? What did he understand of anything? He said that he was in the New World to bring the Indians to God. So the monk converts the Indians, and Balboa sends them on to God. They work together, which is what Balboa told the monk. But the monk did not find it funny.
    How dare he find fault with Balboa? Is not Spain as full of torments as the New World? The Spaniards are brought down by smallpox at alarming rates in Seville, in Madrid. Every summer the rich take to the mountains to escape the plague, and in the fall, when they return, aren’t their own countrymen lying in the streets feeding the packs of mongrels? Half of all the Spanish babies die. It is not uncommon to see a peasant woman leave her screaming infant on the side of the road, so why come here and beg relief for these savages? Why not go to France, where, one soldier tells Balboa, they butcher the Huguenots[13] and sell their limbs for food in the street? Why rant over the impaling of the Indians when Spaniards—noblemen among them—have suffered the same fate in the name of God? In fact, the Inquisition[14] has been the great educator when it comes to subduing the Indian population.
    Why take him to task when the world is a violent place?
    “May your most evil act be visited on you,” said the monk. “I curse you.”
    The monk died shortly after that. His threats and bravery were more the result of a deadly fever than the words of a divine message. Did the curse worry Balboa? Perhaps a little. He occasionally revisits a particularly spectacular feat of bloodshed—the time Leoncico tore a chieftain’s head from his shoulders—with a pang of concern. But Balboa is a busy man with little time for reflection. When the monk delivered his curse, Balboa was already preparing his troops for the great march to the west. His name had reached Spain, and the king felt his authority threatened.
    He is the great Balboa.
    But here, on the slope of the mountain, his name does not seem worth that much. He has to relieve himself and is terrified that some creature—jaguar, snake, spider—will take advantage of his great heaving bareness.
    “Leoncico,” he calls. “At attention.”
    Not that this command means anything to the dog. Leoncico knows “attack,” and that is all he needs to know. Leoncico looks up, wags his tail, and lies down, his face smiling into the heat. Balboa climbs onto a boulder. Here, he is exposed to everything, but if that jaguar is still tracking him, he can at least see it coming. He sets his musket down and listens. Nothing. He loosens his belt and is about to lower his pants when he sees it—the flattened glimmer, a shield, the horizon. He fixes his belt and straightens himself. He stares out at the startling bare intrusion, this beautiful nothing beyond the green tangle of trees, the Mar del Sur, the glory of Balboa, his gift to Spain.
    Balboa, having accomplished his goal, luxuriates in this moment of peaceful ignorance. He does not know that his days are numbered, that even after he returns to Darién with his knowledge of the South Sea, even after he has ceded the governorship to Pedro Arias Dávila, even after he is promised Dávila’s daughter, he has not bought his safety. Dávila will see that as long as Balboa lives he must sleep with one eye open. With the blessing of Spain, Dávila will bring Balboa to trial for treason, and on January 21, 1519, Balboa’s head will be severed from his shoulders. His eyes will stay open, his mouth will be slack, and his great head will roll in the dust for everyone—Indians, Spaniards, and dogs—to see.


    This is my third servant sheet, so how'd I do?
    Last edited by ZSB1999; May 12th, 2016 at 06:50 PM. Reason: Multiple minuses are not a thing

  17. #13017
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Hmm. I don't think the second NP is really necessary, for one thing. I'd recommend nixing it unless you can come up with a more interesting effect then "literally just Presence Concealment". The dog NP is hilarious though. I'm definitely liking that one (reminds me a bit of the killer rabbit from Monty Python).

  18. #13018
    夜魔 Nightmare ZSB1999's Avatar
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    I added a bit more to that second Noble Phantasm, is that any better?

  19. #13019
    Quote Originally Posted by Crying View Post
    Class: Assassin
    True Name:
    Sawney Bean
    I love seeing more monstrous servants, especially for ones I've never heard of. I like the noble phantasm a lot too, they may be weak, but if hey just rush the master all at once, that would be a pretty gruesome way to go.

    ------------------------------

    Doggie Noble Phantasm is best Noble Phantasm, I love it.
    Last edited by I Am The Table; February 12th, 2016 at 02:58 PM.

  20. #13020
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZSB1999 View Post
    I added a bit more to that second Noble Phantasm, is that any better?
    It's better in that it's actually an NP this time around, as opposed to a Skill under a different name. Your descriptions are still really brief though, which makes the sheet appear kind of underwhelming. I'd suggest adding a little flavor-text to pad out NP descriptions. Remember, Heroic Spirits are souls so grand that they were immortalized in a throne beyond time and space, their feats carved into the very fabric of legends. Ideally, reading these sheets should give one a sense of awe (which is not to say I can always accomplish that in my works). Yours... doesn't.

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