Aus Feuer ward der Geist geschaffen,
drum schenkt mir süßes Feuer ein!
Die Lust der Lieder und der Waffen,
die Lust der Liebe schenkt mir ein,
der Trauben süßes Sonnenblut,
das Wunder glaubt und Wunder thut!
Well, he was closely "associated" enough that Hitler got him to commit suicide by cyanide pill after the assassination failed. Even with Hitler (who made a lot of poorly thought out strategic and military decisions) I doubt he'd just randomly kill off his best soldier unless he really thought the guy was a threat. Again, I'd expect the sheet to mention this stuff even if only to dismiss it, as it is a pretty big part of his legend.
Mmmm, You're right. For some reason that flew over my head while I was writing it. That entire bit basically translated to 'has a bit of a rebellious streak' in the personality section. hahaha.
I'll add that in accordingly.
I was writing Rommel as a guy who wanted glory; rising to fame and running with the propaganda as a likable guy. Secretly, he's ambitious and also self-serving. So when he saw that the tide of war was turning, he probably supported the plot to assassinate Hitler. It would have been more of an act of self-preservation than an actual ideological move. He never really hated the guy who helped make him popular (along with Goebbels and the Nazi propaganda movement).
That's why his master chose him, since the master is in the business of showbiz now - its the edge he has over the other masters. Rommel was basically their showboat for the early part of the war. It was supposed to fit the entire showbiz/propaganda theme of their team. (That and the fact he personally was there, and they were both, well, nazis.) Also, though I could imagine the guy trying to revive Hitler himself, I feel like that plot has been done to bits.
He also might not have pulled off a worldwide movie premiere with Hitler as the lead role. Overall, people have a more positive opinion of Rommel; almost heroic, in fact. Hence, that plotline was made.
Last edited by Paorou; February 10th, 2016 at 01:32 PM.
Aus Feuer ward der Geist geschaffen,
drum schenkt mir süßes Feuer ein!
Die Lust der Lieder und der Waffen,
die Lust der Liebe schenkt mir ein,
der Trauben süßes Sonnenblut,
das Wunder glaubt und Wunder thut!
Source is here.
I'd like to request some help with my own Servants, if you guys don't mind. Specifically:
- Are the descriptions for Busla's and King Harek's Noble Phantasms easy to understand?
- Is Ragnar's Military Wisdom Skill too powerful?
- Are Huld's NP Ranks appropriate, or have I eyeballed them too low?
I really like the new Direptione Romae! That said, I think you can increase his AGI to C, and his chariot should be a bit more powerful. E Rank, only provides a morale bonus, and doesn't even come with its own horses? So here are my suggestions: increase the Rank to B, add some sort of trampling attack, and let it be able to drive around without the need for horses.
Oh, yeah, another suggestion: didn't he dream about driving a golden chariot through the streets of Rome as they hailed him as emperor? Why not try and incorporate that into the NP somehow (at least in its description)?
Very interesting concept, but I have a few comments:
1) Physical Parameters. If the Association couldn't just disappear with him because of his being a well-connected public figure, he doesn't have any justification for STR and AGI D; even if he had to fend off assassination attempts, consider if he would really need STR D, since, presumably, he would be using his magic to defend himself. My suggestions: lower STR to E and increase END to D (Servants are summoned in their prime, he wouldn't be suffering from asthma).
2) Under his Magecraft Skill, it would be interesting to note the casting time for his spells. Unless it's the standard casting time as for regular Magi? Even so, I'd suggest adding a note on how he's capable of High-Speed Incantation and Simplified Repetitive Incantation just so he won't have to rely solely on his wand.
Oh, and don't forget to note what are his elements.
3) Creation of familiars falls under the Item Creation Skill, if I'm not mistaken; Semiramis uses the Familiars Skill partly to compensate for how her Item Creation can only be used to create poison, and also because it doesn't cost her Prana to maintain the dove familiars. As such, is this Skill really what you envisioned for Corwley?
Also, do angels even exist in the Nasuverse? And aren't demons different from the traditional Christian view of them?
My suggestion: instead of using a separate Skill for this, just add a "+" modifier to his Magecraft Skill and note it reflects his expertise in Spirit Evocation (which should already cover the summoning of Elementals, demons, etc.).
4) The second NP is really cool, and it's one of the few I don't mind having Rank EX. That said: True Magic is closely linked to the passage of time (for instance, the day humans are capable of spatial transportation by technological means, Zelretch's Magic will become simple magic), so I'm not sure it's appropriate for True Magic, of all mysteries, to be immune to the changing of the aeons. Plus, True Magic isn't just "magic, but more powerful", it has definite effects (for instance, unless they somehow cheat, regular magi can't manipulate space or time, so no teleportation, no altering the flow of time, etc.).
Also, I feel this NP does too much: the weakening of mysteries and Servants are at least related to each other, but the awakening of the Origin, even if it does fit Crowley's philosophy, doesn't really seem to fall under the same effect of "enforcing the changing of the aeons".
My suggestion: change the description of the first effect to a more general one (i.e., "All non-Thelemic mysteries, unless they somehow come from a period further ahead than the Aeon of Horus, are greatly weakened, while all Thelemic mysteries are strengthened to the point they become comparable to True Magic"), remove the additional effects to Servants with Divinity and similar Skills, and remove the Origin-awakening effect.
Interesting take on the Black Prince of Wales. I have some comments, though, if you don't mind:
1) His physical Parameters seem a bit high. I'd suggest reducing at least AGI to B, myself. Plus, even though it's only C-Rank, his LCK seems quite high, considering you've taken the approach that he actually lived under a curse. Also, since the curse still affected him physically, END B also seems a bit high - although I suppose that would fall under the purview of the Weak Constitution Skill?
2) Even taking into account it's boosted by his shield, his Magic Resistance is way too high for someone whose legend doesn't feature supernatural happenings. I'd suggest lowering the base value to C, which would end up boosted to B by the shield (but see below).
3) I know "Grand Order" introduced the Shielder Class, but I'm not familiar with this Leader Class. Is it also from GO?
4) Is this "Predisposition to Sadism" Skill the same as Sadistic Constitution? In that case, shouldn't it also reduce his defensive skills as his attack power increases?
5) I like his NPs, but I'd rather Ich Dien's description was based entirely on the Black Prince, not on a generic belief about knights' shields.
Admittedly, the matter does seem to be somewhat more complicated then I thought. Rommel didn't actually want to assassinate Hitler (he thought it would lead to civil war), but rather wanted him to be put on trail and jailed for his crimes against humanity. He did go along with the assassination attempt (more or less) though as a last resort. Have a Wikipedia dump!
Is that enough to satisfy you, Elthanes....?Originally Posted by Wikipedia
You could have just linked to the source...
Alaric himself isn't as famous as the act which he committed, so I'm trying to make his whole thing revolve around Direptione Romae and sieging the enemy/attacking the enemy's territory.
His mount is rather weak because neither he nor his mount are particularly famous or strong in life.
Still, maybe I made it a bit too weak...
Generally, I believe the rule is that if you think something seems too weak in a Servant sheet, and that something isn't revered on a similar level to Excalibur, you're probably wrong. There are Riders whose mounts aren't even Noble Phantasms, so if he isn't really deserving of a stronger mount then don't give him one. In fact... I was going to keep from posting thisbut this seems like the perfect time to put up a Servant arguably worse than Mata Hari, who I am worried still might be too strong for who they are.until I had an actual designfor a little while longer
Summoning
Class: Assassin
True Name: Romula Augusta
Master: Cyrus Peryden
Sex: Female
Height: 149cm
Weight: 40kg
Alignment: Neutral Evil
Armament: Sword
Attribute:
STR: E-
END: E
AGI: D
MGI: D
LUC: E-
NP: A-
Class Skills:
Presence Concealment E: The capacity to hide ones presence as a Servant. Though Assassin is the only class she can be summoned into, it is still one entirely unbefitting for her. Improves the ability to sneak around undetected, but the actual benefit is small.
Personal Skills:
Powerless Wretch A: A quality of the Servant who did nothing in life. It does not conceal their presence like the class skill, but makes their presence so inconsequential that it goes easily unnoticed. A skill whose owner has no right to call themselves a Heroic Spirit.
Keywords:
ROMA
The World. My spear. Myself. My children. My people. You.
The greatest empire in the history of Earth. Built by the King of Nation Founding Romulus, made a republic by Brutus, transformed into the Roman Empire by Augustus, moved by Constantine, split by Theodosius. In some form or another, the nation of Rome lasted for over 2000 years, and even after its death it gave legitimacy to other empires and kings. Even the legendary King Arthur owed authority to Rome.
Rome engulfed the World, so the World is also Rome. It is not that Rome fell; the destruction of Rome requires the destruction of the World. The Roman Empire survived in the east for a thousand years after it fell in the west, and the west was succeeded by Holy Rome which survived for even longer. Even now, millions of believers in a messiah who was murdered by Rome continue to look to Rome itself for their spiritual guidance. Rome is the foundation of all human history. As long as humanity survives, so too will Rome.
In the words of the deep crimson divine ancestor: You too are Rome.
-
King of Endings
A mocking title. One who ruled in name only, and in so doing brought ruin to their country. Not a recognition of being on the same level as legendary kings like the King of Knights or the King of Battle, but a constant reminder that they are light years apart.
Noble Phantasm
Bio
Grand Order stats because I have too much time on my hands
Last edited by Clockehwork; February 12th, 2016 at 04:01 AM.
I'll be honest; It took me two to three readings of her Noble Phantasm to actually understand what the hell it did. You might want to make it slightly easier to understand.
Still, this is a very unique Servant and I could easily see it showing up in canon material.
--EDIT--
I was actually going to bring this up in my previous post, but forgot.Generally, I believe the rule is that if you think something seems too weak in a Servant sheet, and that something isn't revered on a similar level to Excalibur, you're probably wrong. There are Riders whose mounts aren't even Noble Phantasms, so if he isn't really deserving of a stronger mount then don't give him one.
Not every Servant needs to be able to fight Arturia, Gilgamesh, Iskander, etc... some Servants just aren't A-tier like them.
Last edited by Crying; February 12th, 2016 at 03:34 AM.
Yeah, the way it's worded is kind of intentionally that way, because it's only half the explanation (the other half, of course, being the inevitable climactic scene in which she uses it), so you have one part showing what it does and one part explaining why it does. Hence the third paragraph that actually explains it somewhat instead of being more conceptual mumbo-jumbo. I did consider a fourth that plainly spells out what it does but opted not to because of how it's meant to be viewed after actually seeing it used. Convenient for posting here, true, but hopefully redundant for the readers of the full thing. I suppose taking a couple minutes to clarify just for here wouldn't hurt, though.
So you're planning on using her in a fanfic or something?
Yes, she's to be the main heroine. Like Saber, if Saber was absolutely terrible. It's why she has a clearly characterized Master, and why an unnamed Berserker is listed as one of her natural enemies (definitely isn't referring to Heracles). I would have already started it by now, but compared to Servants coming up with good Masters is hard (and more importantly boring).
Class: Assassin
Master:
True Name: Sawney Bean, the Maneater
Sex: Male
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Height/Weight: 187cm/77kg
Appearance/Faceclaim: Damn these things are hard to find.
Strength: D
Endurance: E
Agility: D
Magical Energy: E
Luck: C
Noble Phantasm: D
Class Skills:
Presence Concealment: A
Complete presence cut off makes detection near impossible. Switching to the preparation of an attack drops the rank of Presence Concealment greatly, this weakness can be compensated by "Murderer of the Misty Night," and a near-perfect surprise attack is possible.
Personal Skills:
Guilty Monster: A
Similar to Innocent Monster, Guilty Monster is a skill possessed by Heroic Spirits who’s legend has been distorted by the monstrous reputation they’ve accrued. Unlike Innocent Monster, there is nothing but merit in this reputation. In Sawney Bean’s case, it has resulted in a horribly distorted appearance that one would expect of a cave-dwelling, incestuous cannibal.
Murderer of the Misty Night: C
A skill associated with the Servant's nature as a serial killer rather than as an Assassin, which permits preemptive strike against all opponents. However, unconditional success of the skill is possible only at night. Requires a successful Luck Check for use during daytime. At this rank it is possible for someone with combat experience to react in time to stop their murder.
Mental Pollution: A
Makes it highly possible to shut out any mental interference Thaumaturgy, due to possessing a distorted mentality. However, at the same time it becomes impossible to come to an understanding with individuals that do not possess an equivalent rank of mental pollution. A rank to be expected from someone who lives in cave, permits and partakes in incest and eats people to hide their murder.
Noble Phantasm:
The Bean Clan: D (Anti-Unit)
Sawney’s family is tied so intimately into his legend that he is capable of summoning their wraiths to help him partake in depravity once again when summoned for a Holy Grail War.
In theory all forty-six of his kin are capable of fighting a Servant. In practice all of them are far too weak to fight even an enemy Master… or they would be, if they didn’t share all of Sawney’s skills, albeit at a reduced rank.
Bean Clan Wraith:
Strength: NA (They're barely stronger than a regular human being)
Endurance: NA (They're barely more durable than a regular human being)
Agility: NA (They're barely faster than a regular human being)
Magical Energy: NA (They have no more prana than a regular human being)
Luck: NA (They're barely luckier than a regular human being)
Presence Concealment: C
Less stealthy than their clan patriarch, they’re still almost undetectable unless preparing for an attack.
Mental Pollution: C
Most of them never knew any better, having been raised doing what their parents were doing.
Guilty Monster: C
Most of them never knew any better, having been raised doing what their parents were doing.
Murderer of the Misty Night: E
Not as efficient as their clan patriarch. Even at night they require a successful Luck Check.
Last edited by Crying; February 12th, 2016 at 09:31 PM.
Rider
Theme
True Name: Vasco Núńez de Balboa
Sex: Male
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Place of Origin: Spain
Height/Weight: 1.89m/75kg
Weapons:
Sword and Flag (Spear)
History
Faceclaim
Stats-
Strength: C (B+)
Endurance: B (A+)
Agility: D (C+)
Magical Energy: D (C+)
Luck: A (A++)
Noble Phantasm: B++
Class Skills:
Magic Resistance: D
Cancels Single-Action spells. Magic Resistance of the same degree of an amulet that rejects magical energy.
Riding: C
Normally those whose mounts are ships wouldn't have Riding, but because he was a conquistador he would have been trained in riding horses
Most vehicles and beasts can be handled with average ability, horses can be handled with above average ability.
Personal Skills:
Voyager of the Storm: A
The talent to sail vessels recognized as ships. Because the ability as a group leader is also necessary, this unique Skill also has the effects of both Charisma and Military Tactics.
Pioneer of the Stars: A
"Discovered" the South Sea (Pacific Ocean)
All difficult voyages and challenges which are considered "impossible" turn into "events that can be realized".
Animal Dialogue: C-
Able to reach a mutual understanding, but only with his dog.
Invader: A++
When fighting a Servant who was summoned in their homeland, (ex. Cu Chulainn in Ireland) or a Servant with the skill Golden Rule, Rider gains a rank-up to all stats except Noble Phantasm. If fighting a Servant with both Golden Rule and in their homeland (Gilgamesh in Babylon) Rider does NOT get double the bonus.
Skills of a Stowaway- C+
Grants Rider and his dog Presence Concealment- C, Rider gains a bonus to persuasion and gains Disengage- C
Noble Phantasms-
He who explored the South Sea
Explorer of the Mar del Sur- D-
Rider summons two ships that fire cannons at the enemy, cannot be used until five days after Rider has been summoned.
(This is because in life Rider's fleet had to be dismantled and moved piece by piece over land to the other side of America)
Governor of the South Sea
Adelantado of the Mar del Sur- B++
Rider places his flag in the ground and creates a territory that has a 500m radius. While fighting in this area Rider and his dog gain a Plus to all Stats except Noble Phantasm. To use this NP Rider must seal the skill Skills of a Stowaway
Stowaway's War Dog, Little Lion
Leoncico- B+
Rider is summoned with this dog. Rider's war dog that stayed with him throughout his life, even going on explorations and into battles with him. Given to him when Leoncico was still a puppy as a gift from Rider's commander Ponce de Leon in gratitude for his service. Rider would bring this dog with him when he became a stowaway. Leoncico is a deadly armored beast that has been through many battles and explorations. Rider has been known to call Leoncico "the cutest little thing he's ever seen". In life he loved his dog so much that he would pay him a wage, like he did for his soldiers.
(The number one way to piss off Rider is killing his dog, don't do it!)
Faceclaim
Stats-
Strength- B (A+)
Endurance- C (B+)
Agility- B (A+)
Magical Energy- E (D+)
Luck- B (A+)
Skills-
Invader- A++
Presence Detection- B
Animal Dialogue- A
Human Dialogue- C-
Able to reach an understanding only with his master.
Innocent Monster- C
Appears as Monstrous looking dog, because the hounds where thought of as demons by the Natives, and is larger than the average Akbash
Leoncico gains no bonus from this it only alters his appearance and size.
Short Story on Leoncico and Balboa that show's Rider's personality (Warning its Long)
This is my third servant sheet, so how'd I do?
Last edited by ZSB1999; May 12th, 2016 at 06:50 PM. Reason: Multiple minuses are not a thing
Hmm. I don't think the second NP is really necessary, for one thing. I'd recommend nixing it unless you can come up with a more interesting effect then "literally just Presence Concealment". The dog NP is hilarious though. I'm definitely liking that one (reminds me a bit of the killer rabbit from Monty Python).
I added a bit more to that second Noble Phantasm, is that any better?
I love seeing more monstrous servants, especially for ones I've never heard of. I like the noble phantasm a lot too, they may be weak, but if hey just rush the master all at once, that would be a pretty gruesome way to go.
------------------------------
Doggie Noble Phantasm is best Noble Phantasm, I love it.
Last edited by I Am The Table; February 12th, 2016 at 02:58 PM.
It's better in that it's actually an NP this time around, as opposed to a Skill under a different name. Your descriptions are still really brief though, which makes the sheet appear kind of underwhelming. I'd suggest adding a little flavor-text to pad out NP descriptions. Remember, Heroic Spirits are souls so grand that they were immortalized in a throne beyond time and space, their feats carved into the very fabric of legends. Ideally, reading these sheets should give one a sense of awe (which is not to say I can always accomplish that in my works). Yours... doesn't.
Last edited by RoydGolden; February 12th, 2016 at 02:34 PM.