Chaldea’s favorite hotspot, the
tavern maid café,
Maid in Heaven, was coming into shape in a new location. Its manager and sole employee, the goddess
Šiduri, watched the wooden structure rise from the hot sands with solemnity fitting her divine status. It appeared she, too, had undergone changes to her Saint Graph to accordance to the arrival of summer and their new location. The energetic, fiery redhead was now a cool-looking, black-haired beauty, with small eyes that bore closer resemblance to a certain other Šiduri he, the Master of Chaldea, once had the pleasure to meet.
Enjoying a comfortable silence by her side and the cool sea breeze on his exposed chest, the Master in swimming trunks thought she made for an interesting and somewhat refreshing contrast to the other Servants, whose reaction to the arrival of Summer was usually a little too hot-blooded—wait. The cool beauty was about to do something, cupping her hands around her mouth.
“Summer! EDI—TIOOOOOOOOOOOONNN!”
“Oh God, the narrator spoke too early.”
“Master!” The now black-haired Archmaid addressed her summoner, all traces of her earlier coolness now completely gone. Her dark eyes blazed with a comical flame.
“The building is ready! Yes! Maid in Heaven: Summer! EDI—TIOOOOOOOOOOOONNN! Is open for business!”
“Why,” murmured the young man while rubbing his aching ear.
“What ails you, Master? Let this Šiduri tend to all your needs.”
“Why are you even here? How did you even make it here? I’m pretty sure I didn’t bring you here.”
“You hurt me so, Master!” A melodramatic grasping of her chest over her heart. “I was not here last Summer; there was no way I was going to miss this! If it’s Summer, you think the beach! If you think beach, then you also think beach stalls! And if you think beach stalls, there’s gotta be MAIDS!”
“Since when!?”
“Also, I heard some second-rate Saberface is moving on my spot, and that! Cannot! STAND!”
“Seriously.”
“Also, Merlin’s complaining that you work him too hard, so he went back to Avalon for the holidays.”
“The heck!?”
“So, I’m taking the ‘overpowered supporter’ spot ‘til he comes back!”
“Thank you very much, Šiduri-
sama!”
“Ehen~” But her preening did not last long, because she noticed two almost identical figures approaching the yet-unopened stall.
“YOU!” She yelled before closing the distance to the pair with a wild and powerful leap…and landing right through the stall’s ceiling to crash on the front porch.
“Damn it, my stall!” Šiduri wailed at the unfairness of the world for a moment, before refocusing her attention on the most immediate issue. “No, wait, YOU! You pretentious Saberfaces, know who the one and true King of the Beach is!”
“Hum, King of the Beach…” Artoria Archer mused for a moment before nodding to herself. “It is a fine name. I will gladly accept it.”
Maid Alter nodded in agreement, while Šiduri went red in the face with indignation.
“Like hell it’s for you! That’s it, no
yakisoba for you today!”
“For whom!?” Two alarmed Artorias quickly inquired, naturally pointing at each other.
“Both of you! ALL OF YOU! Godddamned Saberfaces, you all eat too much!”
“Noooooooo! My Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!”
“King Arthur has no pride!” retorted the Master of Chaldea at the sight of two Artorias groveling at the feet of the Archmaid.
“Damn right I’m your king. And you better remember it!”
The Master could only feel glad Agravain was not around to see this.
**************************************************
“So, what’s with the image change?” The Master asked between sips of pińa colada. Šiduri, too, was all but sprawled on a long chair, all the while Maid Alter handled the business. Šiduri called it “training”, but everybody else knew it was petty revenge.
“This isn’t my real appearance, you know,” replied the Archmaid in a somewhat cold tone. “Neither was the appearance in which you originally summoned me. And do you think Artemis really looks like that?”
“Um, yeah, I guess goddesses are like that—”
“If you didn’t know already, the Šiduri you met in Uruk wasn’t the real me, either.”
The sounds of Servants engaged in all sorts of antics around them disappeared. The young man could only hear the suction sounds of Šiduri finishing her soda through her straw. The goddess had delivered a shocker with the same offhanded tone one would use to tell the time.
“And I guess when I became a Lahmu, I just looked like a Lahmu.”
Noticing the lack of a retort, Šiduri turned her gaze towards her Master, only to see a face that made her own show unmitigated displease.
“That fearful face is unbecoming, Master. You look like a child, afraid of the monster in the closet.”
“But…”
“But nothing. More important, would you look at that?”
It was easy to tell what Šiduri referred to. She was pointing at the laughing lunatic seemingly skating on open waters.
“Uwahahahahaha! Henceforth Rome shall rule the waves! Glittering! Radiant! Umu! Truly, this glittering blue sea makes for the most fitting stage, worthy of an emperor! My cerulean reign begins here!”
Šiduri frowned. “Wait, is that Nero? And here I thought it was yet another nonsense Artoria…”
“Ah, um, yeah, looks like she’s a Caster now.”
“A Caster! What the hell…” The Maid squinted to apparently get a better look of the small figure in the distance. “…that’s a goddamn battleship. That means she is weak to air attack! Zuikaku! Zu-i-ka-ku! Damn it, where’s Zuikaku when you need her?”
“Uh, we don't have an aircraft carrier with us…”
“Huh? You haven’t summoned that one yet? You’re way behind schedule, Master!”
“What does that even—no, in the first place, ships can’t be Servants—”
“YOU FOOOOOOL!”
The poor guy almost fell backwards.
“You are the Master of Chaldea. You should know better by know! Nothing! Is! IMPOSSIBLE! Come on!
Ripiito afutaa mii!”
“What’s with the shitty-ass English…”
“Master!”
“Way too close!” He hurriedly inched backwards the moment their noses touched. “I mean, wha-what is it?”
“Master, you’re clearly not at an optimal mental state! You must join me, then, as I make my beach patrol!”
“No, no, even if that’s true, I don’t see how one thing leads to the other—”
“MOVE ALREADY!”
“Yes, ma’am!”
**************************************************
“This here, Master, is a problem.”
“Are you being rude on purpose?”
“My, if it isn’t our darling
Masutaa and the Lady Maid. We should greet them properly, Ibaraki.”
“Heya.”
The young Master wondered just what kind of human being he had become, feeling his heart refreshed by an oni’s easygoing attitude.
“Heya there, Ibaraki,” he said in the end, with a smile on his face. He could feel Shutendouji staring at him for a second longer that was necessary, but apparently nothing came out of that, for she turned her attention to the Archmaid.
“We oni have settled down here to revel in a different scenery. Drinking beneath a parasol, embraced by the cool sea breeze and the scent of salt, is it not an enjoyable change of pace? It does seem to bring a new texture to my alcohol. That it itself made it worth the effort to come here.”
“Ice cream is good. Nom.” Ibarakidouji was a girl of few words. Or rather, her mouth was busy.
“Yes, that’s all fine and good, but there’s a problem,” Šiduri insisted, to the Master’s confusion.
“The only problem I see is that mine and Ibaraki’s darling is not here, drinking with us.”
“Still under twenty,” retorted the Master, trying his darnedest to look like he truly regretted not being able to drink with Shutendouji.
“Still a spoilsport, I see. Fufu, no matter, I am an optimistic woman. I am certain we can find something all three of us can enjoy doing together.”
“The problem’s your clothes.”
“Hmm?” Shuten’s eyes widened uncharacteristically. She was honestly confused. “These are my usual garments, though.”
“That’s exactly the problem!” Šiduri exclaimed, startling both Master and Assassin. “We’re at the beach! Why aren’t you wearing a swimsuit!?”
“That’s what bothers you!?”
“Hmm. A swimsuit, is it?”
“Don’t take her seriously, Shuten!”
“Well, it is somewhat shameful to be honest, but I do not keep up with the trends of modernity, so…”
“That’s no good at all!”
“Ho, ho, not good, I see…”
“What the hell do you see!? Are we seriously having this conversation!?”
“Master! I’m outraged! Shutendouji cannot be the only fair lady who is inappropriately clothed! It would be like somebody smashed a fly on the Mona Lisa!”
“Hm, now I do feel I am being offhandedly insulted, darling.”
“That doesn’t surprise me!”
That was when Šiduri pointed towards the somewhat-distant fourth character in this skit.
“It doesn’t make sense that Ibarakidouji is more suitably dressed!”
“Oh gods, I was hoping you wouldn’t bring her up!”
Shuten was looking at her fellow oni with new, studious eyes.
“Hmm, hmm, so
sarashi and
fundoshi are more suitable swimwear, I see.”
“How!?”
“Because they have FETISH VALUE!”
“Goddammit, Šiduri!”
“And that’s why Shuten’s no good! Everyday clothes are no good!”
Šiduri crossed her arms as if declaring Q.E.D. The Master was feeling strangely tired. As for the oni…
“I see, I see, everyday attire is not proper for beach outings. Being in your presence is always quite the learning experience, Šiduri. I am grateful.”
“Don’t learn from this woman!”
“Yum, yum. Strawberry and this…’Blue Hawaii’ are good, but in the end chocolate’s still the best. Next time I’ll have chocolate.”
“And this one’s just not paying attention! Thank you very much!”
It was at that moment that the Master broke the threshold of retorts, and
something else awakened within him.
“That’s why, Master, right now I must—”
“
Wait.”
The three Servants perked up as if a Command Seal had been activated. An electrical current ran up their spines as the voice of
authority all but commanded their attention. When they looked at the young man, they saw eyes of incandescent steel, decisive and unflinching.
“Uuuh, you okay, Master?”
“…my. Oh my. If I am looked at with such fire in your eyes, darling, I might just~❤”
But it was Šiduri who was taking the full brunt of the Master’s intense gaze.
“Um, wha-what is it?”
“You are
wrong.”
His words spread like a shockwave throughout the beach.
You just don’t tell the Archmaid she is wrong.
“Wha…what…”
The Master had only a few moments before her surprise and confusion turned into righteous retribution. He planted both hands on her shoulders.
“Šiduri, I have to be mistaken, but could it be that you do not see the current power level of Shuten’s ero outfit?”
Šiduri blinked. Then she frowned.
“Uh, I mean, um, Master; anybody can tell you that Shuten’s outfit is super ero.”
“That’s not! What I mean!”
It was Šiduri’s turn to feel startled by the young man’s intensity.
“Oi, Shuten.” Ibaraki was finally paying attention to her surroundings. “What are those two idiots up to?”
“Ufufufufufu…’ero’, they say,” murmured the black-haired oni, sounding strangely delighted.
“It’s like the play of making your girlfriend wear a bikini in your bedroom! Gym shirt and bloomers in the bathroom! The appeal of the mismatch between clothes and location! That too has fetish value!”
Šiduri’s eyes widened like the skeptic who has found God.
“You mean…!”
“Look at her!” The young male continued, pulling Šiduri so that the two could properly face Shuten. “Those super ero clothes already show more skin than most swimsuits! But looking at her every day in Chaldea ingrains in the brain the fact that ‘these are normal clothes’! Their ero effect is diminished, because they’re ‘normal clothes’!”
“Yes, yes, I see, I see!”
“Is that really how it works…?” Shuten pondered. The Master continued his diatribe.
“But now that she brings them to an unconventional setting…!”
“Their ero power is restored, even amplified! Master, are you a genius!?”
“Nah, nah, I’m pretty sure you’re both idiots,” a grimacing Ibaraki commented.
“I AM A MAN!” The Master shouted his response. “If I see the super erotic Shutendouji, elegantly seated on a towel with her amazing legs to the side, and you come out and tell me there’s something wrong with that, then you have! A problem! WITH ME!”
“My, my, my~Ibaraki, our darling is such a sinful man, to desire the likes of an oni. I am elated.”
“Yeah, I bet you like tha—”
“Fufu. Haha. Hahahaha…ahahahahahaha!”
All eyes laid to rest on Šiduri, who had exploded in cheerful, boisterous laughter.
“Magnificent! Truly, as expected of my Master. I adore you!”
His mind (and his libido) somewhat clearer now, the calmed-down Master allowed himself to blush a little at this declaration.
“But!” continued the Maid. “This, I will take as a challenge! Rejoice, Shutendouji! You will become the recipient of my supreme tailoring skills! Master, I will show you that I can make her a swimsuit that brings out her hedonistic beauty even more than this attire!”
“That does sound interesting,” said the oni in question.
“That sounds dangerous,” said an unusually prudent Ibaraki.
The Master sighed and shook his head. There was, however, a smile on his face.
“Sure, whatever. Do whatever you want, Šiduri.”
“Alright! Then I’m going to my stall. Master, you stay here and let yourself be molested by the oni.”
“What.”
“Molestation is such a crass word. We’re going to enjoy some passionate fun.”
“What.”
“Sure, call it whatever you want.”
“Wha—uwah!”
Šiduri’s Servant strength pushed him until he was seated between the two oni. Shuten unabashedly inched closer to him, while Ibaraki looked a little annoyed.
“Hey, maid, I’m not like Shuten; why would I even do something like—”
In the blink of an eye, Šiduri conjured a large golden goblet, and promptly threw its contents on the Master’s bare chest.
“What the hell, Šiduri!? What’s thi—iiiiiigh!”
A tongue. Slow and delicate, careful yet thorough, and unspeakably soft.
“Delicious,” murmured Shuten while wearing a dreamy expression. A gulping sound pulled his eyes towards Ibaraki, who was staring at him in a way that made him deeply uncomfortable.
“Cho….choco…”
“Eh!?”
Indeed, his torso was lathered in molten chocolate, already running past his belly and pooling on his boxers at the crotch.
“Shuten…” called out the blonde oni, in a voice that swayed between a plea and a moan.
“Fufu, Ibaraki is a greedy woman. Very well. You may have everything above the belly.”
“Deal!”
“No deal! I demand further negotiation! Can someone please think of the children!? And by children, I mean me!”
“I do not see a part of you that is that of a child, dear.” A dainty yet shameless hand slipped past the elastic of his trunks.
“Whoa!”
“No, not a single one.”
Her chuckle was a little too much to his heart.
“Šiduri, help me—she’s gone!”
“A most tactful woman. I must repay her someday.”
“Somebody help! Golden! Mama Raikou—ow!”
Shuten pulled back the hand that smacked him on the back of his head.
“Don’t be such a boor, bringing out the name of that woman.”
But there was someone else who had yet again drifted into her own world.
“Chocolate!”
“Uwah! Wait, Ibaraki! Calm down!”
“Darling is right, Ibaraki. We are not animals,” chided her elder oni. “So, what do you say…?”
“
Itadakimasu!”
“Fufu, that’s right.
Itadakimasu…❤”
“Uwaaaaaah!”
It’s only natural.
If a human dwells with oni, it only makes sense that he ends up eaten.
**************************************************
A beautiful sunset at the edge of sea. Truly, it was a magnificent vista.
A hollow young man, in several ways. Incapable of appreciating the beauty before his eyes.
Šiduri sat down next to that young man.
“Was I this tired after Goetia?”
“You’re welcome.”
“I’m not! That was scary! Only at the beginning, though!”
“You’re welcome.”
“Damn you, Šiduri,” he mumbled like the husband who knows it’s pointless to argue against the wife who holds all your weaknesses.
“I feel like I just climbed a good part of the staircase to adulthood.”
“I think that staircase was set on fire the moment you were flung into the Fuyuki singularity.”
Knowing she was right only made his sigh. He was so tired. He had no reason to be there; he could have already secluded himself in the (extremely relative) safety of his room, but there was one last thing he had to do that day. Something he had to face properly.
He was already an adult, after all.
“Šiduri, I’m—”
“Don’t.”
It was not the word that stop him. It was the firm, scathing rejection in her voice.
“Finish that sentence and you will lose whatever respect I may have for you, Master.”
The words shook him this time. The courage he had gathered sitting alone in front of the sunset was quickly dispelled, and he found himself looking down at the sand like a scolded child.
He did not catch much of what followed; he would eventually get the explanation a second time from a certain Assassin-class Servant. Šiduri spoke of “household gods”; minor divine spirits with the role of monitoring the actions of humans at the behest of the great Sumerian gods. Every household in ancient Sumer had a small shrine to these lesser gods; their most immediate yet most distant interlopers between Heaven and Earth. Šiduri explained that the golden king of Uruk and his palace could not be under the charge of a nondescript, nameless spirit; Gilgamesh would have not allowed it. Therefore, Šiduri, or rather, an aspect of herself, was appointed to watch over the king.
“So, even if both her appearance and her personality were different, she was wholly me. All that was hers is also mine, and persists for eternity within me.”
“Look at me, Master.”
He did so. Not doing so, he could tell, would have meant losing her forever.
That was when he understood. Or, at least, he understood the magnitude of his lack of understanding.
Šiduri was, after all, the Archmaid, possessing of wisdom unparalleled. She prided herself in understanding everyone and everything, but that understanding reached her through the lens of her unique worldview and nurtured it. Šiduri understood everything, but she was beyond understanding. She could reach into the hearts of all, but her own heart was unreachable. She lives to serve others, but nobody has or even can do anything for her.
…had he ever asked her Berser—no, her Maid-class form, if she had a wish for the Holy Grail? No, of course he hadn’t. But now he had a decent idea.
She was, after all, a goddess. He had recently reached an understanding with Nanaya, and he believed he could extrapolate from that. She wished what all gods wished.
“I’m—” He stopped himself this time. Again, those words were a mistake. Those were not the words she wanted.
“…tha…thank you, Siduri…”
She smiled, and slowly shook her head in the negative.
He all but flinched when Šiduri stood to move closer to him; her proximity was like sparks prickling his skin. The heat in his cheeks was painful, and the swollenness around his eyes made it hard to see. His left hand hurt; it gripped his knee as if to crush it.
“Master. I will speak in her behalf, the words that she could not say that day. Listen well, and as the last Master of humankind, and that woman’s friend, accept her curse bravely and wholeheartedly.”
“No…” he quavered while shaking his head, until Šiduri held it between her open hands. His pupils roamed erratically, incapable of even seeking for an escape route. It was too much; he could not keep it to himself anymore; he had taken it silently, wordlessly, for Mashu’s sake — she didn’t know; she still didn’t know; she could never be allowed to know! —, but there was no way he could—he wasn’t made of stone—
“
Thank you for saving me, Master.”
He winced, gritting his teeth to keep in the painful thing building in his throat. She was absolutely right.
He had been cursed.
“No…” The word came out hoarse, barely human. The fire in his eyes melted the long frozen, unshed tears. His blood boiled, carrying the ache in his chest to the tips of his fingers and smothering his mind full of the wondrous and painful memories of those days in Uruk…
“You can’t, you can’t say that…if you say that, I, I can’t…!”
Šiduri was the perfect maid, possessing the perfect wisdom to provide the perfect service. Of course, she knew the proper course of action.
She embraced him, warmly, calmly; welcoming him in her bosom for as long as he needed to let go of everything.
Originally Posted by venomking
