There are too many grammar issues of yours to count. I get it if you aren't a native English speaker, but even then, several non-native speakers make a better faith effort to follow the admittedly convoluted, nebulous and contradictory rules of English grammar.Originally Posted by Kabalisto Koga
Koga, we're not your teachers. It's not our responsibility to educate you on basic facts of grammar. For example, when to use capital letters, how pronouns work, how punctuation is meant to be used, how to spell words, et cetera. A decent knowledge of English is a necessity to post on a largely Anglophone forum, not a fun optional extra.
I wouldn't even mind the grammar problems that much if it were just that, but it isn't just that. You can clearly improve your English (see your contest entry last time around) but since you don't actually show that improvement elsewhere, you apparently don't want to bother. I don't see why I ought to put in the effort to show you where your English is flawed if that effort isn't reciprocated.
I'm not sympathetic to the excuse that English isn't your first language, either. It's my second (officially speaking, third) and I seem to be capable of making myself perfectly clear.
That's not even getting into your Servants. I don't think we've got high standards here (else I would've been kicked out the first time I posted), but they're not good. You throw in random lore found nowhere else, which wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't clear that you do so to engage in wank of the character's powerlevel or moral worthiness.
The only fault was that it didn’t have Radioacive by Imagine Dragons as the theme song
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Also Fabuzer, that was a good Gaheris sheet. I’ll have to redo mine if I get back into Servant making.
Quest of Fate
Apocrypha Universe Fate Quest Project
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Hermes Servant Collection Master Post
See, this is exactly what I mean, this post looks so spam-y that I can't bring myself to take it seriously. But I'll humor you anyway. Strength parameter is the effect of Noble Phantasm; think about something like Hulk. See the description; Martyr of Science is Soul of a Martyr Skill + Natural Born Genius. Yes, there's already a Caster Marie Curie by asterism, you might want to see that. I will add a relationship section later; or expand the personality section, but maybe never.
Making Marie Curie a character that is not how she is in life as described in Madame Curie; A Biography by Eve Curie is a crime and I will not do that.
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Oh wow, why din't I think of that... It's added now. Thank you.
Last edited by 34; November 10th, 2018 at 07:48 PM.
In this bloody world many exist who would threaten Europe, The seat of Arts, literature, culture, Democracy, but most importantly Christianity. For that reason alone did i found the order of the dragon. Now in your time master there exists a force far greater that the Turks, who now threaten not only Europe, But the entirety of Human Order as well.
for now i shall fight for the defense of that Humanity In the name of the father, the son, the holy ghost-amen.
Faceclaim
Class: Saber.
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral.
True Name: Sigismund of Luxembourg, Holy Roman Emperor.
Gender: Male.
Origin: Germany.
H/W: 192cm/78kg
Likes: Christendom, Europe.
Dislikes: Members of his order being disruptive, Having his grammar corrected.
Talent: Medieval warfare, High Brutality Melee Combat.
Wish: To see Christianity United.
STR: B
END: A++
AGI: B++
MNA: B
LCK: B
Class Skills
Personal Skills
Noble Phantasm
Personality/Relationship/Etc
Notes
Last edited by massive_jojo_reference; November 14th, 2018 at 11:48 AM.
Sigismund: Having him fuse himself with the dragon slain by St. George to gain power is such a cool idea thematically. Feels like exactly the kind of thing that would show up in canon. I don't think giving him a unique variant of Imperial Privilege really adds much to the sheet though, since you even mentioned its effects are exactly the same. Also, his NP being the same rank as Excalibur feels a bit much to me. Just A+ would probably be enough.
Sigismund is an underappreciated historical figure for sure, and the mind-boggling number of dynastic claims he either had or secured is certainly something worthy of praise. In addition, I like how you made the Crusader ethos a major part of his personality, though I wish more was mentioned about how he extended mercy to the Roma people, intended to give Jan Hus safe conduct, and a few more examples. Also, you should have added Jan Zizka and Jan Hus to the Relationships section considering both of them were bitter opponents in his life. Finally, thanks for including his most famous quote and the Europa Universalis reference.
Also, why is this guy not a Ruler, unless you have an alternate Ruler sheet for him?
He doesn't really qualify since he does have a wish, but even so I have this idea of only scarcely using ruler class and placing every great and Noble knight or a king into the saber class since it (ruler) special class. Of course I can make a ruler version of him anytime.
and as for Royd, his NP represenst Christendom as a whole, and it does burn hot enough to instanly turn something into plasma, so I thought anything else than A++ would be kinda devaluing
Not to mention Charlemagne from extella has a skill called Great empeor privilege which is basically imperial privilege renamed through self declaration, so if I was doing a powerful Christian based servant might as well do that.
Don't want to push this too far, but maybe Ruler could emphasize the traits he needed to lord over his mess of an empire, the arbiter as opposed to Saber's crusading Spirit.
That is a very good idea. Will Consider it.
Fair enough about the NP, but Charlemagne's Holy Knight Emperor is mechanically quite different from Imperial Privilege so I don't think that's really the best example to use.
I'm not sure about that. Arjuna's flaming bow Agni Gandiva is only A ranked, and Karna's both version of Brahmasta are just A+, for example.
Now im finished with my Olav profile please everyone say me your oppinions ..
Your verified Chikara-production Studios !
Dont ship me with anyone unless i say so !
When you wake a Dragon in his Lair...
I think what was meant there was Karl's Great Emperor Privilege (or something to that effect), which I remember being essentially a renamed IP.
What Great Emperor Privilege? Charlemagne's profile lists three Personal Skills; Holy Knight Emperor (which despite a slightly similar name has effects quite different than IP), Mana Burst (Light) and Over The Royal Road.
Does he have some other Skill I'm not aware of?
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Olaf is mostly fine. Ormurin Langi is a bit of a generic "summon big ship" NP, but I suppose that's partially inevitable given the ship is genuinely a really famous part of Olaf's legend (even having a famous folk-song dedicated to it).
If you wanted to do something more interesting with it, maybe you could conflate the ship with his status as the one who built the first Christian church in Norway, and make it a giant floating ship-church with holy attributes (like cannons that can fire bolts of divine punishment on his foes)? I dunno'. I'm aware that's quite a bit of a stretch even for your standards, but I'm just throwing out ideas here to see if anything sticks.
I'm just surprised given how much you emphasized the "Christian king" angle that Olaf doesn't have any overtly Christian-themed NP. Especially since it'd make for a cool thematic contrast with Craccaban Vitni.
Skills-wise, Berserker Of Faith reminds me a lot of Ivan's Contradictive Mind what with representing the duality of Olaf's mindset and all, but you made it mechanically distinct enough to stand on its own as a separate Skill. Good job. The other Skills are fine as well, though mostly unremarkable. Is there a reason for the - modifier in Golden Rule?
In general I'd say this Olaf is one of your better sheets since you mostly kept it focused around a single concept (berserker Viking who is also a devote Christian) rather than trying to cram in every unrelated cool idea you could come up with. He's also pretty well grounded in the actual legends and history of the guy, which is good to see.
I think he's referring to Karl der Grosse the Ruler, not Charlemagne the Saber.
EDIT: Oh wait, Shiki-pon's right, Karl does have Great Emperor Privilege.
Sorry Shiki-pon. For some reason I'm an idiot and thought you were referring to Saber Charlemagne, not noticing that you specifically used the name Karl. After looking up the Skill in question, I have to concede jojo_reference's point. I still think a Skill variation that does the exact same thing as a pre-existing Skill is kind of silly, but there's no shortage of silly Skills in canon so I can't really judge for that.
I think in this case it's less a Skill variation than just a Servant insisting to call the Skill with another name.
Spoiler:
Curie's pretty cool. Taking on the attributes of radium in her own body is a great idea for her NP that totally fits a Berserker (I didn't even notice the similarities with the Hulk at first, but that got a chuckle out of me too). Her "hyper-fixated maniac" personality might be a bit overused for scientist-type characters, but (perhaps because you based it off her RL biography) it came off as quite believable and well fleshed-out rather than a stereotype.
Since I can't currently go whole hog on making Servant sheets again (not until December, anyway) and my list seems to be getting more and more bloated by the day, I thought I'd offer up some sheet concepts in case they happen to inspire someone.
Svipdagr: A Norse character from the Svipdagsmál collection of poetry. The real point of interest with this one would be a loophole with which to bring some godpower into the sheet, since Svipdagr is often conflated with Odr, Freyja's mysterious husband. He's also got some magic going for him, some support from a spellcaster and might have gone to be a Berserker in Hrolfr Kraki's army. I can't really figure out a fitting Noble Phantasm for him though, and as such he's been languishing without attention for some time now.
Moliére: One of the hated(?) playwright-type Casters, Moliére was a satirist French playwright. Besides being a prolific writer, I suppose one could pull something out of the fact that he might've gotten something demonic out of Innocent Monster, as he had a mutual hatred with the Church and was generally irreverent (maybe something like an imp - I felt that Clown's Laughter would be a fitting Skill for him). He's also got some improvisation going for him (which might manifest as a Skill) as well as something to the effect of Battle Continuation due to how he died. The latter might even be a Noble Phantasm, allowing him to 'continue with the show', though that might be a little on the lame side.
Veturia: A Roman woman marked as one the Nine Female Worthies (one version of the list, anyway). Talked down an invading army (led by her son, oddly enough), founded the family line named after her and apparently had a hand in establishing the worship of Fortuna in Rome (not to mention affecting the perception of Fortuna as female to some extent).
St. Elizabeth of Hungary: No relation to a certain other Hungarian Elizabeth (though I guess some kind of takeover might be in the cards). The thing that interested me was her position as patron saint of the Teutonic Order, which might affect her abilities (such as giving her more fighty abilities and making her more warlike in general).
Lucianus Tarquinius Superbus: The last king of Rome. Being a pretty horrible person, he seized power in a coup and was generally terrible. Some of this might be later propaganda, but it might be interesting to have a Servant with Innocent Monster yet with the caveat that the reputation can't actually make him any worse than he already is. Might have the Sibylline Books as a Noble Phantasm, which tell of the crises that Rome would face in the future. Might also be accompanied by his sister/wife, who helped carry out the coup.
Nezumi Kozo: A Robin Hood -ish figure from the Edo period, famous for robbing the houses of many influential noblemen. Apparently got his nickname from a bag of rats he carried, which he unleashed on the houses he robbed as a distraction.
Candace of Meroë: A figure from medieval European legend, being a Queen of Kush who reputedly faced Alexander the Great in a standoff, which resulted in Alex deciding to head East instead of South. Her legend is a little on the thin side, but I suppose you could try and draw from the fact that Candace (or more properly Kandake) is a title, not a name, and that there have been quite a few reigning queens in Kush (not to mention genderflips being a thing - might be someone who history records as male but was warped into female due to the Alexander the Great romance or the other way around). Apparently rode a war elephant too.
Claude Du Val: A French highwayman who operated in Britain. Famous for never using violence in his robberies and generally being the archetype for the charming highwayman/brigand. I was thinking his NP might be something to do with his ability to subdue his targets without violence.
Mrs. Prodgers: A Berserker (or Avenger) candidate from recent times, being a British high class woman who had an incomprehensible hatred of London's cab drivers. Embarked on an elaborate 20-year crusade against them, causing trouble to them and taking them to court. Her reputation was such that cabmen would flee her on sight and burn effigies of her.
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