Robot Nasu (Season Two)
People of the First Lair, despair at my return!
People of the Second Lair, witness a remnant of insanity that refuses to die!
It's Robot Nasu Time!
Note for first timers: this fic reads like a movie script and is styled
after the Adult Swim show Robot Chicken. You have been warned.
Development HellTM. An intercom calls out the number
41278. A random person rises, jumping and cheering,
prompting a barrage of food from others in the room. Once
the fruit missiles die down Satsuki helps him up.
SATSUKI
Congratulations Esgalia.
ESGALIA
Thanks. I finally get to return to the real world after
all this time! It felt like forever! No offense, Sacchin.
SATSUKI
I’m used to it by now.
ESGALIA
It’s weird. I’m glad to be going, but I know I’ll miss
all our poker games. They were fun.
SATSUKI
Sure were. Which reminds me, say hi to Duke for
me.
ESGALIA
Will do.
SATSUKI
And don’t forget your promise.
ESGALA
I’m a reformed man-child. No more pirating anime
for me!
SATSUKI
That’s the spirit! Put Phantasmoon out of a job.
ESGALIA
Amen! Farewell!
Scene change to Somewhere in Ohio. Esgalia enters his
room and immediately goes to the laptop at his desk. He
grins as the computer comes to life.
ESGALIA
Two years. It’s great to be back!
VOICE
But for how long I wonder?
Esgalia leaps out of his seat and turns to greet the intruder
standing in his room.
ESGALIA
Phantasmoon! What are you doing here!?
PHANTASMOON
Just checking on my least favorite repeat offender.
ESGALIA
I just got in two minutes ago! How the hell am I
suppose to pirate anything in that short time span?
PHANTASMOON
So that’s a declaration to resume piracy?
In a swift motion Phantasmoon draws her infamous butterfly
knife and lays it across Esgalia’s scar covered throat.
ESGALIA
Nnnnnoooo, ofcoursenot! Don’t behead me!
PHANTASMOON
So you forswear piracy forevermore?
ESGALIA
Of course. I shall not pirate anymore anime.
A long pause. Phantasmoon gazes into Esgalia’s fearful
eyes, finally lowering her knife. Esgalia breaths a careful
sigh of relief.
PHANTASMOON
Very well. You may continue on.
ESGALIA
Thank you Phantasmoon. May I never see you again.
Happily Esgalia takes his seat at his computer and proceeds
to work. He hums a happy tune that’s abruptly stopped
when the knife is once more at his throat.
PHANTASMOON
Is that Genealogy of the Holy War I see on your
desktop?
ESGALIA
Y-yes it is. I thought you only punished anime piracy, right?
Hehe…
A careful look out of the corner of his eyes tells him
Phantasmoon isn’t enjoying the weak joke.
ESGALIA (cont’d)
You branched out, didn’t you?
PHANTASMOON
That’s right, downloader.
ESGALIA
Shit.
Development HellTM. Satsuki’s jaw is literally on the floor as
she sees Esgalia take a seat at their table.
SATSUKI
Back again!?
ESGALIA
Oh shut up and deal the cards.
SEASON TWO GO! COMMENCE OPERATION FACEPALM!
Robot Nasu
Season 2, Episode 1
Intro. During a thunderstorm Kohaku finds a dead
mushroom/eggplant on the road outside the Tohno Mansion.
She takes it to her underground laboratory and fixes it up
into: Robot Nasu. It is then bound to a chair facing a wall of
televisions which cackle to life.
Change Channel
Nighttime in a park. Ciel in her black robes lands atop a
lonely lamppost. She surveys the empty park as she draws
her blades. She is silent as a distant clock chimes eleven.
CIEL
I am here as promised, White Princess! Now stop
sulking in the shadows and fight me. We shall decided who
gets Shiki once an-
A loud crack echoes the park as Ciel falls from the lamppost,
blood flowing from a hole that passes through her head. Cut
over to the bushes where Arcueid is grinning as she peers
down the scope of an M40. To her side is Canaan who is
wielding a still smoking AK-47.
ARCUEID
Just as planned.
Change Channel
Ryuudou Temple. Issei is making his way through the front
gate when Rin jumps in front of him.
ISSEI
Be gone demon!
Rin replies in a voice way too deep for her.
RIN
Demon? I am Tatari, come to haunt you! You can
only see me in this form, which is only half of your greatest
fear!
ISSEI
Only half? What could be worse than Tohsaka?
SHIROU
Hi darling!
Shirou calmly walks up the stairs, grabs Rin, and the two of
them share a long a slurpy kiss.
Scene change to downtown Fuyuki, where Wallachia is being
chased by a glaive held by Issei.
WALLACHIA
KATTO KATTO KATTO KATTO KATTO-
Change Channel
The Vatican. Merem Solomon is sitting on the ground, his
right leg missing. This is due to Kirei, who is in possession
of said leg.
KIREI
Lighten up Merem, I’m only pulling your leg.
MEREM
Heh, jokes on you mister.
Merem snaps his fingers and the leg immediately turns into
the giant Whale Dog, and immediately dwarfs Kirei.
KIREI
Oh shit!
The transformation complete, Kirei is immediately squashed
by the whale/dog hybrid.
Change Channel
Fuyuki City. Shinji is running for his life down an empty
street. Behind him is Ilya, riding on the shoulders of
Mayhem.
MAYHEM
I’m Berserker, a raging Servant of destruction. I’m
inflicting Godzilla-like devastation because some half-baked
Master decided to take me on, and that makes me mad.
Ilya tugs on Mayhem’s hair and points to a skyscraper a few
meters away.
MAYHEM (cont’d)
My homicidal Master tells me that twerp ran into this
building. All I’m thinking is…
Mayhem pulls out a giant club, twice his size.
MAYHEM (cont’d)
… what building?
He hits the skyscraper and it immediate crumbles to the
ground. He stands with Ilya amid the ruins, suit and hair
covered by dust and debris.
MAYHEM (cont’d)
And if your insurer is backed by some secular goon,
you could be dealing with these voodoo hijinks yourself. So
switch to Kotomine Church. You could save your soul and
be better protected from mayhem, like me.
ANNOUNCER
Tithe to tithe, no one protects you like The Church.
Change Channel
Tohno Mansion. Shiki is preparing to cut a giant birthday
cake that reads “Happy Birthday Oni-san!” As he goes to
slice it a scantly clad Arcueid leaps out and smothers him in
an embrace. On a nearby couch are Akiha and Kohaku, the
former of which is simmering in rage.
AKIHA
That was brother’s cake. What a waste.
KOHAKU
No it wasn’t, Hisui made it.
Change Channel
Tohsaka residence. Assassin has penetrated the magic barrier
and is making his way to the final gem. He reaches out to
destroy it when a hologram of Dennis Nedry pops up.
DENNIS
Ah ah ah, you didn’t say the magic word.
ASSASSIN
Wha-
Assassin is immediately skewered by the Gate of Babylon.
Gilgamesh oversees the carnage from the rooftop.
GILGAMESH
Hmm. Formidable barrier indeed.
Change Channel
Nighttime park. A crack rings out and Altrouge falls among
a pile of corpses containing Ciel, Roa, several Dark
Apostles, and the occasional fanboy. In the bushes, Canaan
tosses her AK-47 aside.
CANAAN
This was your idea, so don’t expect me to make all
the shots! It’s a perfect setup, you can’t wait forever to pull
the trigger.
ARCUEID
Yes sensei.
Sighing, Arcueid turns to stare at Len, who’s holding a pair
of binoculars.
ARCUEID (cont’d)
Maybe it’d work better if I spotted and you fired.
Change Channel
A white room. The sole occupants are the Aozaki siblings,
who oddly aren’t trying to kill each other. Instead they face
the camera as corny elevator music plays in the background.
AOKO
Hi, I’m Aoko.
TOUKO
And I’m Touko.
AOKO
I’m Miss Blue, named after my favorite color.
TOUKO
I’m Red, which happens to be my least favorite color.
AOKO
My hobbies include traveling the world, meeting new
people and blowing shit up.
TOUKO
I play with dolls in whatever hole I’m hiding in.
AOKO
I am also a boss character in the game Melty Blood.
TOUKO
I happen to be the boss of a character in Melty Blood.
AOKO
At least until Murder Study, part 2.
TOUKO
Dammit bitch! Do you have to take what little I have
as well? Not enough glory hogging for you?
AOKO
Oh come on, it’s not all bad. You got to be the Kara
no Kyoukai movies. All I got was a scene or two in an
anime that doesn’t even exist.
TOUKO
Yeah, as SUPPORTING CAST! (as Ryougi) Hi
Mikiya! I just accidentally the bridge, lol! (as Mikiya)
Don’t worry Shiki, I’ll just call Janitor Touko so we can
have the ending to ourselves! (as Ryougi) Yay!
AOKO
Oh lighten up. You still have that role to look
forward to in Witch on the Holy Night.
TOUKO
Yeah, you’re right. As FUCKING! SUPPORTING!
CAST!
AOKO
Better than nothing.
TOUKO
That’s it! I can’t stand this bullshit any longer!
You’re nothing Aoko, nothing! I was firstborn, I had the
most Magic Circuits! Everything you ever had you stole
from me or were given because you were Nasu’s favorite!
Take it away and I’m left the better.
AOKO
Calm down-
TOUKO
NO! We’re ending this right now. Name one thing
you have that wasn’t stolen or given to you. ONE THING!
Aoko stares at Touko as she pants, slowly replacing the air
she spent on her rant. Once she has recovered, Aoko grins
and cups her own breasts.
AOKO
These are 100% real.
Touko stares dumfounded, then eventually bows her head in
defeat.
TOUKO
Mine used to be real, but that was until I switched to
my puppet body.
End show. Cue chorus of ‘Gao gao gao’ to the ending theme.
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Originally Posted by asterism42
