Crack Ahoy!
Gotta Contract 'Em All!
Emiya Shirou woke with a start. Almost immediately, a grin forced itself onto his face as he stood, stretching. Daylight streamed in through the window, the bright sunlight only improving his mood.
Today was The Day. The Big Day. The Day that he started his journey as a Master, to contract all 150 Servants in existence.
Well, the 150 currently in existence. They kept finding more at a worrying rate. He almost couldn’t afford all the new memorabilia. He’d had to cut his food budget down to a fifth. But every bite of plain, dry and slightly mouldy bread reminded him of how great that new figurine arriving in the post would be.
He dressed quickly, all but throwing himself to the bottom floor of the house. Ever since his adoption by Professor Kiritsugu almost ten years ago, he’d known that becoming a Master was his destiny. And not just any Master. The Best Master There Ever Was. Capitals included, bitch.
And now… Now was the time. The Day. His adventure began here and now.
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“Yeah… No.” Kiritsugu said, lighting a cigarette. “I’m all out of Servants. Sorry.”
Shirou stared at him. Kiritsugu looked vaguely guilty, but held his head high.
“Well, you did get here late, y’know? It’s first come, first served.”
“It’s 8AM!” Shirou growled. “You agreed to give out Servants at 2PM. How am I late!?”
“Well,” Kiritsugu drawled slowly. “Ilya gave that cute little face and asked for a Servant, so I gave her Berserker. Rin threatened to tell the police about the peanut butter incident if I didn’t give her a Servant, so she got Archer. And Shinji convinced me with his vast amounts of money- I mean, his fervour to be a Master. So he got Rider.”
“Leaving me with…?” Shirou asked, already resigned to the answer.
“Jack shit.” Kiritsugu replied cheerfully, taking a draw on his cigarette.
For a moment, Shirou fought down the urge to punch his adoptive father. Ilya he could understand. Kiritsugu couldn’t refuse his daughter anything. Rin was believable as well. The peanut butter incident had scarred him for life, so he couldn’t even imagine what it had done for his childhood friend. But Shinji getting a Servant first because of bribery… That was just a dick move.
“You realise I’m going to tell Mother about this, right?” Shirou said calmly. Kiritsugu’s face paled at the thought of Irisviel’s terrible, terrible wrath. There might not be any peanut butter for weeks.
“Ah. Huh. Well…” Shirou watched his father glance around furiously. Didn’t think this one through, did you?
Kiritsugu’s spun around, desperately looking for some escape from this situation. As he gazed out of the window, his eyes settled on a small, blonde haired girl carrying a few bags of shopping. An idea struck him. A glorious, genius idea.
“I do actually have one Servant left.” He began slowly. “Just give me a minute to kidna- I mean, get her.”
Shirou watched his father sprint into the attic. His father had more than three starter Servants? First he’d heard of it.
There was a thump outside, and he looked out the window to see his father rolling on the ground. Almost like he was breaking the impact from a jump from the second floor. Almost exactly like that actually.
Shirou watched as his father jogged over to the unconscious form of a small blonde girl and then threw her over his shoulder. A few moments later, the front door swung open and Kiritsugu threw the girl onto the sofa.
“There! Servant Saber!” He said, wiping his brow. “Don’t say I’m not good to you.”
Shirou examined the prone form. “She has a dart stuck in her shoulder.”
Kiritsugu snatched it with impressive speed. “Optical illusion.”
“And I’m pretty sure that I’ve seen her before.”
“I’m pretty sure you haven’t.”
“Yeah, she picks up groceries from the local store occasionally. I think her name is Arturia?”
“I think you should stop think about my possible kidnapping and start thinking about the great adventure ahead of you.”
“She doesn’t have a sword either.”
“That’s because it’s invisible.”
“She’s not waking up.”
“She’ll wake up soon if she knows what’s good for her.”
Shirou paused for a moment, then shrugged. At this point, he wasn’t going to quibble about the small stuff. Like the fact that his father had possible drafted an unknown girl into a brutal series of life or death tournaments. Also, he couldn’t help but feel that if he turned ‘Saber’ down, his father would… dispose of some unneeded evidence to a possible crime. Possible with fire. Or bombs. His father liked bombs.
“OK. It’s time for your command seals.” Kiritsugu spun round, making his way to the fireplace. Shirou brightened up. The command seals were the ultimate proof of Masterhood, the sacred marks that differentiated those capable of commanding beings of mass destruction and those who couldn’t. He’d occasionally wondered if such a huge gap between people should have some negative effects on society, but it hadn’t yet, so who cared?
“So you’re going to create a pact between myself and the Grail using an ancient, arcane ritual?” He said excitedly.
“Sure.” Kiritsugu said happily, pulling a red-hot poker out the fire. “If by ‘an ancient, arcane ritual’ you mean ‘this poker’ and by ‘create a pact between myself and the Grail’ you mean ‘carve magical symbols into your flesh’.
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Now don’t scream. I hate it when they scream.”
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Arturia opened her eyes with a wince. There was something very wrong with her head. She suspected it had something to do with the dart that someone had shot into her shoulder. And she was moving. Why was she moving?
It took her only a moment to realise that she’d been strapped to someone’s back. She groaned slightly as she stirred.
“Oh?” A voice spoke up from in front “You’re awake?”
“I- I believe so.” She shook her head, trying to clear it. “Could you put me down?”
To her relative surprise (given the fact that she was certain she’d been kidnapped), the person carrying her obliged, releasing the straps and lowering her to the
ground.
To her further surprise, her kidnapper appeared to be a young man, clean shaven and quite handsome, with an open smile across his face.
“Are you alright?” He asked, peering at her with some concern.
“I-I think so.” She replied, rubbing her head. She had a splitting headache. “Who are you?”
The man blinked, and then smiled. “Ah. I’m Emiya Shirou. I’m your Master.”
Arturia blinked. “You’re… my what?”
“Your Master.” Shirou repeated, a strange expression crossing his face. “As you are definitely a Servant.”
Arturia blinked. That last sentence had been more than a little monotone. “But I’m not a Servan-”
Shirou’s right hand shot across her mouth. “Yes yes I already know that you are a Servant no need to tell me everyone here is aware that you are my willing Servant and certainly not a kidnapped teenager who is going to be forced to fight in death matches for the sake of the public amusement and because my father is an utter asshole.”
Even as he babbled, Shirou’s eyes flicked from her face to her chest, obviously trying to draw her attention to something. Her gaze moved down.
A small red dot was playing across her torso, right atop her heart. Saber froze, then took a deep breath.
“Yes. Yes, I am indeed a Servant. Servant…” She met his eyes, trying to get her question across without words. To her relief, Shirou nodded.
“Yes, what is it that you want to say to me, Servant Saber? Shirou asked, placing heavy emphasis on the last word.
The dot moved away from her heart ever so slightly.
“I did not wish to say anything in particular, Master.” Arturia said, voice monotone. “I was merely confirming my existence as Servant Saber.”
The dot was moving further and further away from her torso.
“That is good. Because if you claimed to be something that you blatantly aren’t., then there is a slight possibility that unscrupulous individuals would kill you, slice your body into several pieces and then set all those pieces on fire before exploding them all in a bid to erase all evidence of kidnapping.” The words gushed out of Shirou’s mouth without him taking a single breath.
“Then it is a good thing I am Saber.” Arturia stated, before lowering her voice.. “But… ah… What exactly do I have to do? As a Servant?”
“Fight and die at my command.” Shirou said, a little sheepishly. “Preferably more of the former and less of the latter. Because if you die, I‘m probably going to die too.”
“I thought Duels were a public sporting event!” Arturia choked, her throat dry.
“They are!” Shirou replied. “In three out of eight continents. The others banned them for being too brutal.”
Arturia’s voice rose in a note of panic. “Shirou, I can’t fight-”
The red dot, which had all but faded, zoomed back to it’s spot above her heart.
“- without encouragement.” She finished.
“I’m sure you’ll be fine.” Shirou said hurriedly. “I mean, you have-”
He paused.
“Actually, what do you have? Weaponry wise?” He looked directly at her. “A sword?”
She shook her head.
“A dagger?”
Shake.
“An… axe?”
Shake.
“Spear?”
Shake.
“Oh God.” Shirou rubbed his head. “What do you have?”
Arturia looked down. “A shopping bag full of groceries.”
“Oh! That’s great!” Shirou said, a hint of mania in a newfound smile. “You can pummel ancient heroes of lore to death with a can of tinned. Fucking. Mackerel. I‘m sure that‘ll work well.”
“Well, excuse me!” Arturia shouted. “I didn’t wake up this morning and think ‘You know what I want to do today? Get press-ganged into a bloodsport! That would just make my day!-’”
Shirou’s hand shot up to silence her rant. “Wait. Do you hear that?”
Saber paused, face still red. Now that he mentioned it, there was a strange ringing sound on the edge of perceptio-
A wordless roar split the quiet as a huge, grey-skinned giant leapt up from behind a patch of grass
A WILD BERSERKER HAS APPEARED
“Wait, where did he come from?” Arturia asked, he voice stunned.
“Servants hide in long grass.” Shirou whispered. “But this is bullshit! Berserker Spartacus is a level 35 encounter! We shouldn’t be meeting him for like, a year.”
“Wait.” Arturia turned to face him. “That was hiding in the grass? How?”
“I don’t know!” Shirou snapped. “They just do. Don’t question it when we just saw it happen! We have bigger concerns than spatial logistics here! ”
The giant glared at them, then roared again.
“How are we going to escape?” Arturia asked.
“Maybe you could throw some coriander at it? That might work.” Shirou suggested acidly, then sighed at her glare. “Don’t worry. My dad’s nearby. I’m sure he’s got something that can help.”
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“No, look Iri. I’m really busy right now.” Kiritsugu said hastily, trying to slip the under-slung grenade launcher onto the rifle while holding the phone with his left hand. “Shirou’s about to get attacked by a Servant.”
“Oh?” Iri’s cheerful voice sounded across the phone clearly. “That’s great! This is his first battle, right? You must have given him a really strong Servant!”
“Yeah, yeah.” Kiritsugu muttered, lining up the shot. “But, uh, I think I should maybe lend a hand for this one.”
“Kiri…” Irisviel scolded. “He’ll be fine. Just come home. I’m waiting for you.”
“I really should-”
“Wearing nothing…”
“…Even so-”
“…but peanut butter.”
Kiritsugu sighed, and lowered the gun.
“Well, them’s the breaks, Shirou.” He said cheerily, raising his voice so that he could be heard by the distant. “Have fun with Saber! Use protection when you prana reacharge!”
Shirou shook his fist in reply, as Berserker’s next roar drowned out all bu fragments of what he was saying.
“…-ou…. -cking….-ard….you….bare hands!”
Unfortunately, Kiritsugu didn’t even hear that much. He was too busy being halfway back to Fuyuki.
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“Alright.” Shirou said, forcing calm into voice. “ Plan B.”
“Plan B-?” Saber’s voice was drowned out as Berserker lost patience and charged with incredible speed, crossing the
“I’ll protect you!” Shirou shouted, leaping in front of Arturia. “Run!”
“What!?” Arturia
The giant neared, a huge steel blade gripped in it right hands and Shirou suddenly considered what he’d done.
“Wait.” He cocked his head. “This was a retarded idea.”
SHIROU USED BODY SHIELD!
The sword struck him head on, propelling him almost twenty feet. Blood poured freely from the chest wound, and his ribs felt like they were little more than shards.
IT’S NOT VERY EFFECTIVE…
“Shirou!” Arturia cried, running to his side. “Are you alright!? Why did you do that?”
“No. No, I’m not alright.” Shirou groaned. “And I have no actual clue why I did that. Probably… because you’re an attractive girl, and I’m at the age…. where I do incredibly stupid things to impress attractive girls. Fucking… hormones…”
“Shirou…” Arturia gazed at him, a light blush colouring her cheeks. “You… think I’m attractive?”
“Is this…. really the time to discuss this?” Shirou said from between gritted teeth. Berserker was loping towards them, his stride that of a hunter confident his prey were trapped. “Yes. I think… you’re attractive. How could… I not?”
“Well, I’ve always thought I was rather plain.” Arturia said bashfully.
“Oh… dear… god.” Shirou said, coughing violently. “You have low self esteem too. You’re… perfect. I think… I love you.”
Arturia’s face went crimson.
SHIROU USED CONFESSION ON LOVESTRUCK GIRL!
Arturia clenched her fist and stood up.
IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!
Power began to build up around her, a bright glow becoming opaque and solid around her body.
ARTURIA IS EVOLVING!
“Who… keeps saying… this shit?” Shirou groaned.
The glow settled and became silvered steel. Armoured fists clenched the hilt of an invincible blade.
ARTURIA HAS EVOLVED INTO SABER!
For a moment, Berserker seemed to pause, before leaping forward with a bestial roar.
“Mad warrior…” Saber said, raising the grip of an invisible sword. “Taste my fury!”
The blade swung down.
“EXCARIBUUUUHHHHH!!!!!!!”
The golden light pierced the sky and earth alike, sweeping away Berserker and silencing it once and for all.
Shirou stared at the devastation. Then he stared at Saber. The back at the devastation.
“How.” He said. “How. Just How.”
“It was the power of your love supporting me.” Saber said, smiling brightly. “After I heard your proposal, I suddenly gained-”
“Wait,” Shirou interrupted her. “What proposal?”
Saber blushed. “Well, you said you l-love me… A-and when two people… l-love each other…” She began to twiddle her gauntleted hands together. “They… They- they get married and have a family and…”
“Saber, I’m… currently bleeding… to death.” Shirou said quietly. “I reserve the right to retract anything… I say until I have at …least six pints of blood in me.”
“Oh! You’re delirious! Quickly, sign this!” A piece of paper was shoved into his face, even as a pen was forced into his grip. He glanced at it.
“This is a marriage certificate.”
“That’s right.”
“Why do you have a marriage certificate?”
“Well, I’ve never fallen in love before…” She was twiddling her gauntlets again. “So I thought that when I did, it would be best to seal the deal as soon as possible.”
The pen fell from Shirou’s nerveless fingers. Sweet merciful death, take me now.
Arturia blinked.
“Shirou?” She poked the side of his face. “Shirou? Shirou!?”
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Emiya Shirou awoke to the beeping of a monitor. He blinked in the dim, artificial light as he tried to take his thoughts into order.
Where was he? A quick look around answered that question. The white walls. The curtains. That chemical smell. This couldn’t be anywhere but a hospital.
At that thought, memories of the battle sprang to the forefront of his mind. Of Arturia’s (Or was it Saber now?) burst of energy, that destroyed Berserker in a single attack. It had been incredibly to watch such raw power in motion. It had been truly-
“Shirou!” A voice broke his thoughts, and he realised to his shock that Saber was right next to him. “You’re awake!”
He nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine now. How about you?”
Saber’s face went grim. “I’m alright. But…”
Shirou motioned that she should continue. Saber seemed on the verge of tears.
“You got blood all over the marriage certificate.” She said tearfully.
“Oh.” Shirou said, voice monotone. “What a shame.”
“I know. But,” Saber said, her voice getting more cheery. His heart sunk as deeply ingrained male instincts urged him to run for the window. She brought out a paper from behind her back. “I got the hospital to order a copy from the city council!”
-End-
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On the next episode of Gotta Contract ‘Em all!
The Stalker girl and her porter strike!
“I want to go home…” Shinji moaned.
“WE ARE NOT LEAVING UNTIL I’VE PLACED AT LEAST THREE TRACKING DEVICES UNDER EMIYA SHIROU’S SKIN.” Sakura shrieked.
Shirou get’s a warm welcome from his younger sister!
“Hey, Onii-chan.” Ilya giggled mischievously. “I’m going to kill you and wear your scalp as a hat. Then we’ll always be together.”
Shirou makes a decision that will change his life forever!
“I… want to be a hero.” Shirou said calmly, a quiet determination in his voice.
And A RIVAL APPEARS
"There's no feasible way you could have beaten me here!" Shirou shouted. "It's impossible!"
“I’m RIN FUCKING TOHSAKA. I’m always a step ahead, even when it's impossible! Especially when it's impossible!” Rin shouted. “Now let’s battle!”
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Originally Posted by Hymn of Ragnarok
