Create-A-Servant 2

[Skull]

I'm glad you put it out Skull.

Why is C. P. E. Bach a natural enemy again?

Aw shucks, I'm blushing so much since somebody actually read it.

It was a petty reason but chose his sons as the Natural Enemy because in his lifetime and about 100 years after his death, Bach was overshadowed by his sons experimental musical style (Mozart in particular loved C.P.E Bach) whereas J.S Bach's music was deemed outdated. It was only by the mid 1800's that Felix Mendelssohn managed to revive interest in him and cause a "Bach Revival" and he became the most famous one in the family.

[Spartacus]

I do not know about Jojo and Classicaloid, but I do know about Bach.

He do sound like the antagonist teacher from the musical movie- Whiplash. I mean, the whole personal copyist thing. Which is great.

That said, I like Chopin moar

[WhatShouldNotBe]

Uh, for Erlang Shen, is a B++, A~A+ and A++ set of noble phantasms too much?

or should I cut it down to a B+, B++~A, and A+ ?

[RoydGolden]

Uh, for Erlang Shen, is a B++, A~A+ and A++ set of noble phantasms too much?

or should I cut it down to a B+, B++~A, and A+ ?

Entirely up to you. I'd have to look at the specific NPs themselves to see what ranks they do/don't deserve, and I don't know enough about the figure in particular to speak generally. I wouldn't fuss over things like that too much, honestly. Just work on the sheet to your satisfaction, post it up and then other people can tell you what ranks seem too high.

[WhatShouldNotBe]

Entirely up to you. I'd have to look at the specific NPs themselves to see what ranks they do/don't deserve, and I don't know enough about the figure in particular to speak generally. I wouldn't fuss over things like that too much, honestly. Just work on the sheet to your satisfaction, post it up and then other people can tell you what ranks seem too high.

Alright. Now then, I did at least finish the Fluffy Doge NP, so I'll be posting a snippet before I post the full thing.

- - - Updated - - -

Erlang Shen values this NP the most, as despite what mighty powers he may wield, a loyal companion is something priceless beyond compare. Also, it is inimical to sadness, and a Master or allied Servant that is down in the doldrums that meets it will at least have a slight decrease in depression. This cheering-up effect is improved if one feeds it meat or bones. Allowing it to play [or attempt to play] with another familiar or divine beast will lighten anyone’s heart, at least for a moment. It especially likes to chew on demonic beings.
For obvious reasons, Gilgamesh does not possess the origin of this Noble Phantasm within his Gate of Babylon. If he had a dog, maybe he might have not been such an asshole. Though, the fact that he can’t catch it without catching Erlang as well deeply annoys him.

heres a bit of the fluff.

[venomking]

Class:Assasin
True name: death
Strength:A
Endurance:A+
Presence concealment:E
Mana:c
Agilty:a++

Background: she is not the actual death but rather one of the twelve spirits who are responsible for a certain type of death, who can on occasion take the name and power of death, she does admit that if all twelve of them were to get together they could summon the true death and thus cause the end of humanity. She was in fact a person from the time of new knowledge, a period of time not recorded by even the Mage council, and was the first human to ever commit suicide. And thus she become the 1st spirit of suicide.

Personality: she is shown to be have an extreme intellect, and often appears to be battle harden and ready, however her eyes betray incredible sadness, likely her aches is caused by her own death and the deaths of those she caused. Her wish for the Grail is to ha never commit if suicide and for no one else to comity it ether, however she does know deep down that this wish is impossible to grant.

Fighting ability: she is an incredibley tenacious fighter, she also knows many forms of combat do to her being one of the twelve spirits of deathly cause, she is able to use blood and death based magic, and can use suicide spells without dying allowing her to fight on equal terms with even highest clas servent in a full on brawl.

NP:
Crow McCullough deaths game, A class, anti personal: a spirit of Appalachian myth who is said to serve to death,in truth thou he is in fact one of her idols , who both serves the true death as well as her. He is able to enact the powerful death spell deaths game
Which places the opponent it used on In reality marble were they may choose one game, if they loose no matter what kinda of defence they will die completely, not even gods hand can stop it, if successful it kills that servant completely, however even if it fails the servant won't be able to attack death for two days and all wounds inflicted on that servant are healed as well as deaths wounds upon failure.

Temptation of sweet death, EX, anti personal. It's an abilty that compels a servant to kill themselfs and cannot be disobeyed, however if the servent as has mana resistance of A class they can avoid death but will still have to gravely injure themselves no matter what.

The scyth of death, A++.
It is the scyth created from mankind a image of death, it basic abilty is to cause whatever part of a living thing and non magic I team it touches to decay and eventually die, this includes servent, however it can't kill a NP as most were never living in the first place.

(I plan to do the other twelve spirits of deathly cause later)

[venomking]

I hope this is a good sheet, please critique, I know it's not the best but I tried, thou I do hope I don't quite on only eight of the spirits but honestly I'll problem lay run out of ideas on the sixth, so anyone willing to give that idea wirl other than me?

[4score7years]

No luck rank

Class skill with no description, placed in the wrong section

no personal skills

"Fight ability": dunno what "suicide spells" are. If she can do death and blood magic, maybe you should write that somewhere else on the sheet

bad grammar for the first NP

second one needs more limits or detail.

Seems to me that "Scythe of Death" should draw more from MEoDP, since it's kind of worse rn. Not deserving of an A++ rating as is.

Grammar is still all over the place. Fix it. Especially before making 11 more.

[WhatShouldNotBe]

@Death

....

Alright, okay. First off, those aren't even actual skills. No lore, no personality to speak of. Your grammar really needs help, though that isn't.... that bad of an issue compared to the major structural problems the sheet has.

think of it this way. A good sheet tells a story of its own. It can have twists, shocking surprises, funny breaks, and dramatic unveilings, all within the format of a Nasusheet. It gives one an idea of how they would interact with other, canon characters and servants, enough that a random person who reads it can use it as a character in a fic, if they so wish. A sheet like the one you gave reads more like an idea of a servant, not one in and of itself.

TL;DR: It's a draft, flesh it out.

[venomking]

Did you read my edited version?

- - - Updated - - -

I just edited it like 2 min ago, although the whole point of her is you don't know much about her. That's kinda what I wanted to go with, essentially she like buetifull assasin she has very little real background, and is just a toll to be used.

[4score7years]

Did you read my edited version?

- - - Updated - - -

I just edited it like 2 min ago, although the whole point of her is you don't know much about her. That's kinda what I wanted to go with, essentially she like buetifull assasin she has very little real background, and is just a toll to be used.

looks the same to me. Basically everything I said still looks relevant. What's different?

[venomking]

Grammar mainly, also I'd like to add, that part of the reason I don't do a whole lots of information on my charachters I make up is with the idea of people making fanfiction of them in mind, I create just enough info to allow you to have a basic understanding of and what she is, but I feel deeply that it is more interested for fan fiction righter to fill in her larger story them selves there not tied to just one basic storyline for her, I give you the tool for her, but the story of her is up to you, think about the amazing ideas you can come up with, when my character when my charachter is supposed to be the first person to ever commit suicide, cursed to cause people to commit the horrible act against her own wishes, and eventually she will be responsible for the end of life, is that not a good backstory? Perfectos to that peaple can create their own histrionics ro her, and have enough pf a sad backstory all adybtherebto make peaple ahve sympathy and grow onto her as a charachter.

[WhatShouldNotBe]

Did you read my edited version?

- - - Updated - - -

I just edited it like 2 min ago, although the whole point of her is you don't know much about her. That's kinda what I wanted to go with, essentially she like buetifull assasin she has very little real background, and is just a toll to be used.

Nothing has changed. The NPs you can't tell from Skills, both have no indications of being nasufied, the format reads like someone tore out your parentheses, colon, and dash keys, it's more just a cluttered mess. The poor grammar makes the lore extremely difficult and incoherent. Bad stats and OP abilities I'm not even going to talk about here, because it's so unclear as to her powers in a Nasu sense it would be pointless to attempt to analyze it. There's no Nasuchanics, which would have made it interesting, there's no sense of continuity or coherency.

its like frankenstein's monster, but without the deep soul that the actual monster had.

- - - Updated - - -

Grammar mainly, also I'd like to add, that part of the reason I don't do a whole lots of information on my charachters I make up is with the idea of people making fanfiction of them in mind, I create just enough info to allow you to have a basic understanding of and what she is, but I feel deeply that it is more interested for fan fiction righter to fill in her larger story them selves there not tied to just one basic storyline for her, I give you the tool for her, but the story of her is up to you, think about the amazing ideas you can come up with, when my character when my charachter is supposed to be the first person to ever commit suicide, cursed to cause people to commit the horrible act against her own wishes, and eventually she will be responsible for the end of life, is that not a good backstory? Perfectos to that peaple can create their own histrionics ro her, and have enough pf a sad backstory all adybtherebto make peaple ahve sympathy and grow onto her as a charachter.

..... no, this still fails there. Your character is the first person to commit suicide? Hint at it, make the descriptions more coherent and creepingky sinister as more of the truth is revealed. Responsible for the end of life? Sounds good, but then it doesn't fit with Nasuchanics. Just making her sympathetic doesn't cut it. You can't have bad things happen to someone and that makes them automatically likeable. You're creating a framework, but it needs to be filled in a polished.

it still doesn't fit as a Nasu Sheet, and-

wait.

Oh dammit. Sorry dude, but that sheet isn't valid, this thread doesn't accept original characters like that. You'll have to post her in modern fiction.

[RoydGolden]

Oh dammit. Sorry dude, but that sheet isn't valid, this thread doesn't accept original characters like that. You'll have to post her in modern fiction.

Just skimmed over the sheet itself, but I think the conceptual embodiment of Death is fair grounds for a Servant. Modern Fiction is for characters that... actually came out of modern fiction, where the cultural idea of the Grim Reaper is universal enough that it's practically a mythical figure in its own right. Plus, the Hassans are basically all OCs anyway and yet a number of them have gone here in the past. That's not to say the sheet doesn't still have a ton of problems, but thread choice isn't one of them.

[WhatShouldNotBe]

Just skimmed over the sheet itself, but I think the conceptual embodiment of Death is fair grounds for a Servant. Modern Fiction is for characters that... actually came out of modern fiction, where the cultural idea of the Grim Reaper is universal enough that it's practically a mythical figure in its own right. Plus, the Hassans are basically all OCs anyway and yet a number of them have gone here in the past. That's not to say the sheet doesn't still have a ton of problems, but thread choice isn't one of them.

ah. It's just that the representation of one of the apparently twelve grim reapers, this one being for Suicide or something, seemed a bit OC-ish to me. Carry on.

[RoydGolden]

Seriously though venomking, if you want some actual feedback you need at the very least to use more coherent formatting. Skills should go after parameters and before NPs, not awkwardly jammed in the middle. You should also include descriptions of the Skills you include, both generic and preferably for the particular rank as well.

There's a lot of other things that need to be fixed up as well, but that's one of the first.

- - - Updated - - -

ah. It's just that the representation of one of the apparently twelve grim reapers, this one being for Suicide or something, seemed a bit OC-ish to me. Carry on.

It is a bit of a stretch, I'll admit. But similar stuff like that has gone here in the past (and by the criteria you're proposing some canon stuff like Nursery Rhyme would be excluded as well).

[SleepMode]

Asking for an opinion, but for my Personal Traits section for the Servants, should I make them shorter in the future? I'm worried that the large amount of info is unnecessary and can discourage viewers from reading them.

If so, then how many "paragraphs" should be the maximum length?

These Servant Profiles serves as examples of my "habit":

http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2608884


http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2607274

[WhatShouldNotBe]

Class:Assassin
True name: Death by Self, Suicide Rose
Strength:A[not sure why it's A, but okay]
Endurance: A+ [Again, silly. Also, missing luck. And NP.]
Agility: A++[These high ranks also feel really wanked. Even if it is death.]
Mana:C
Luck: E
NP: A++
Class Skills:
Presence Concealment: [to be honest, she would fit more as Avenger.

Personal Skills:
Fighting ability: [seriously, fix this. The description reads like how you'd describe a bad Mary Sue.]

NP:
Crow McCullough Death Game
Rank: A, (anti personal): a spirit of Appalachian myth who is said to serve to death,in truth thou he is in fact one of her idols , who both serves the true death as well as her. He is able to enact the powerful death spell deaths game
Which places the opponent it used on In reality marble were they may choose one game, if they loose no matter what kinda of defence they will die completely, not even gods hand can stop it, if successful it kills that servant completely, however even if it fails the servant won't be able to attack death for two days and all wounds inflicted on that servant are healed as well as deaths wounds upon failure.[This isn't an A-ranked NP. This is more OP than EA. It's fucking bullshit.]

Temptation of sweet death
Rank: A ( anti personal.): It's an abilty that compels a servant to kill themselfs and cannot be disobeyed, however if the servent as has mana resistance of A class they can avoid death but will still have to gravely injure themselves no matter what. [I don't even..... no. Just.... just no. This has no justification for its power, and completely breaks the one cardinal rule several times over, that nothing is more powerful than Gilgamesh.

The scyth of death
rank: A++. [Needs an Anti-something.]
It is the scyth created from mankind a image of death, it basic abilty is to cause whatever part of a living thing and non magic I team it touches to decay and eventually die, this includes servent, however it can't kill a NP as most were never living in the first place.[The A++ NP is weaker than the A one. And also silly.]

Background: she is not the actual death but rather one of the twelve spirits who are responsible for a certain type of death, who can on occasion take the name and power of death, she does admit that if all twelve of them were to get together they could summon the true death and thus cause the end of humanity. She was in fact a person from the time of new knowledge, a period of time not recorded by even the Mage council, and was the first human to ever commit suicide. And thus she become the 1st spirit of suicide. [There is no Mage Council. ]

Personality: she is shown to be have an extreme intellect, and often appears to be battle harden and ready, however her eyes betray incredible sadness, likely her aches is caused by her own death and the deaths of those she caused. Her wish for the Grail is to ha never commit if suicide and for no one else to comity it ether, however she does know deep down that this wish is impossible to grant.
[More edgy than UBW]

Okay, in this quote, I fixed it up a little to show how a sheet with coherent format would look like. You need to rearrange the placement of parameters and skills, and clearly segregate the "fighting skill" into different ones. Plus one or two fluff skills, like Innocent Monster or Menta Pollution, would go a long way. And really, really nerf her and make her be ,ore sensible. She is seriously feeling like a Mary Sue here.

- - - Updated - - -

It is a bit of a stretch, I'll admit. But similar stuff like that has gone here in the past (and by the criteria you're proposing some canon stuff like Nursery Rhyme would be excluded as well).

Damn FGO. Pretty soon there won't be any standards. What next? Lore written entirely in Emoticons? Lolcatz speech? Servants who just Lions and Superheroes? An entire sheet written in pig Latin? Where does it end?!?

XD

Asking for an opinion, but for my Personal Traits section for the Servants, should I make them shorter in the future? I'm worried that the large amount of info is unnecessary and can discourage viewers from reading them.

If so, then how many "paragraphs" should be the maximum length?

These Servant Profiles serves as examples of my "habit":

http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2608884


http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2607274

The large amount of info is fine so long as it contributes to the sheet. If it feels like excess fat, and doesn't add character, mechanics, or tone, cut it out.

[zikari8]

Asking for an opinion, but for my Personal Traits section for the Servants, should I make them shorter in the future? I'm worried that the large amount of info is unnecessary and can discourage viewers from reading them.

If so, then how many "paragraphs" should be the maximum length?

These Servant Profiles serves as examples of my "habit":

http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2608884


http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...=1#post2607274

Now, I don't believe in there being a maximum length... ok, I do, but that would range alongside putting out a novel and calling it a sheet.

I don't personally think that your Personal Traits section has been too long. However, if you feel that a large amount of the info is unnecessary and does not add anything substantial to your character, then perhaps you may want to simply try to focus on the important stuff and some extra flavor and be a bit more concise. So, rather than a maximum length, I'd say that you should just right what you feel is necessary for a reader to understand their character.

[RoydGolden]

Damn FGO. Pretty soon there won't be any standards. What next? Lore written entirely in Emoticons? Lolcatz speech? Servants who just Lions and Superheroes? An entire sheet written in pig Latin? Where does it end?!?

Not to interrupt your tangent, but... I didn't even mention anyone from Grand Order? Nursery Rhyme is from Extra.