Create-a-Servant

[Bird of Hermes]

I do like your Charlemagne, I made a version of him myself but our interpretations are quite different. Your Saber is really rather fun while mine was more of an anti-hero that could easily become a well intentioned extremist. We also have different interpretations of Joyeuse as well, both drew on the Lance of Loginus but while I focused on the Anti-Divine aspect while you did the Rainbow Beam with power comparable to Rho-whatever. I love A Miracle for my Emperor as the connection to the 5th magic is great! So all in all I'd say your version is better.

Also, does anyone have any thoughts on my Alfred the Great a little higher up on here?

[Zork Knight]

Thanks for the opinions guys!

As for your Alfred, from his lackluster physical stats, I'd guess he'd have to rely on his ghost soldiers to do most of the fighting for him? Pretty nice sheet overall, although, are there any restrictions on what he can prohibit with Doom Book?

[Bird of Hermes]

Alfred the Great has the lackluster physical stars because he was actually weak and feeble compared to most warriors of his time (though they were pretty hardcore). I put him in the Ruler class because he is more of a commander than an actual fighter - he'd probably have trouble against anyone that isn't a Caster or Assassin.

As for the Doom Book, the limitations are with in reason. He would probably say "No killing innocents" or "You can't attack me". He can't forbid someone from breathing and have them penalised as a result.

[SpoonyViking]

Alfred the Great has the lackluster physical stars because he was actually weak and feeble compared to most warriors of his time (though they were pretty hardcore).

I can't tell you how good a fighter he was - not my area of expertise -, but based on what I've read, he was actually notable as a warrior and a huntsman, even if he's more famous as a ruler and scholar.

[Bird of Hermes]

I can't tell you how good a fighter he was - not my area of expertise -, but based on what I've read, he was actually notable as a warrior and a huntsman, even if he's more famous as a ruler and scholar.

He was fairly decent and did have some skill, but the man was rather sickly and suffered from illnesses. When he was on the battlefield, it was either commanding from the rear or a standard bearer to raise morale. I thought I'd make him weaker than apocrypha's shirou cause he wasn't as strong - not was he as proficient in weaponry. He still has higher endurance than Sasaki Kojiro.

[SpoonyViking]

He was fairly decent and did have some skill, but the man was rather sickly and suffered from illnesses. When he was on the battlefield, it was either commanding from the rear or a standard bearer to raise morale.

Well, checking Asser's The Life of King Alfred:
"[...] and after continual feasts, both by night and by day, he was immediately seized, in presence of all the people, by sudden and overwhelming pain, as yet unknown to all the physicians; for it was unknown to all who were then present, and even to those who daily see him up to the present time, [...] from what cause so great a malady arose. He had this sort of severe disease from his childhood; but once, divine Providence so ordered it, that when he was on a visit to Cornwall for the sake of hunting, [...]"

And later: "In the meantime, the king, during the frequent wars and other trammels of this present life, the invasions of the pagans, and his own daily infirmities of body, continued to carry on the government, and to exercise hunting in all its branches[...]"

So he suffered from "daily infirmities of body" (which can't have been that severe, considering "even those who daily saw him" didn't know about those), but he was still strong enough to go hunting and go to war. Meanwhile, the same source tells this of him:

"Then Alfred, though possessing a subordinate authority, could no longer support the troops of the enemy, unless he retreated or charged upon them without waiting for his brother. At length he bravely led his troops against the hostile army, as they had before arranged, but without awaiting his brother's arrival; for he relied in the divine counsels, and forming his men into a dense phalanx, marched on at once to meet the foe. [...] the field of battle was not equally advantageous to both parties. The pagans occupied the higher ground, and the Christians came up from below. [...] Around this tree the opposing armies came together with loud shouts from all sides, the one party to pursue their wicked course, the other to fight for their lives, their dearest ties, and their country. And when both armies had fought long and bravely, at last the pagans, by the divine judgment, were no longer able to bear the attacks of the Christians, and having lost great part of their army, took to a disgraceful flight. "

"[...]for in wisdom and other qualities [Alfred] surpassed all his brothers, and moreover, was warlike and victorious in all his wars. And when he had reigned one month, [...] he fought a battle with a few men, and on very unequal terms, against all the army of the pagans,[...] and after a long and fierce engagement, the pagans, seeing the danger they were in, and no longer able to bear the attack of their enemies, turned their backs and fled."

"[...] and the king, sitting at the hearth, made ready his bow and arrows and other warlike instruments."

Granted, it's possible Asser deliberately exaggerated Alfred's qualities as a warrior, but it's also possible he exaggerated reports of Alfred's illness (whatever it was; I've read it might have just been constipation) to aggrandise the king ("See, even having to live with that, he was still such a great king!").
I'm not actually giving an opinion on his Parameters - to be honest, I haven't read the sheet yet. :-P I'm just saying it's possible you're underselling his fighting prowess, and that maybe a Skill like Nero's or Okita's might be enough to reflect his bouts of sickness.

[Constructman]

This is sort of a remake of my first profile, but at the same time it's not... I think I made him even stronger than before, but at least I know what I'm doing now. I think.

Rider
The King Progenitor

Class: Rider

• Alternate Classes: none

Place of Origin: Egypt
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
Attribute: Star

faceclaim

Parameters:
Strength: B
Endurance: A
Agility: B
Magic: D
Luck: B
Noble Phantasm: A

Skills

Class Skills:

• Riding A+
  All vehicles and creatures except for the Dragon-kind can be ridden.
• Magic Resistance C
  Cancel spells with a chant below two verses. Cannot defend against Magecraft on the level of High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals.

Personal Skills:

• Imperial Privilege EX
  Due the insistence of the owner, Skills that are essentially impossible to possess can be obtained for a short period of time. As the first Pharaoh of Unified Egypt, Rider can temporarily make use of any Skill related to combat, statesmanship, and gentlemanliness.
• Natural Body B
  The possession of a perfect body as a living being from birth. The owner of this Skill is treated as if his strength is always Rank-Up. Rider's body shape will not change no matter his caloric intake, whether it be in surplus or deficit.
• Divinity B
  The measure of whether one has Divine Spirit aptitude or not. All pharaohs ascended to godhood after death.

Equipment:

• A bow, a spear, and a bronze Kopesh. Rider is only moderately skilled in their use, but can use Imperial Privilege to temporarily "cheat" his way into knowing how to use them to their full potential.
• A crook, a flail, and the Pschent - symbols of his authority over Upper and Lower Egypt.

Noble Phantasm:

Spoiler:

Ankh, Wedja, Seneb: Duty of the First King (Support, B)
Ankh: the duty to govern and protect life in his domain. Wedja: the duty to maintain and expand the borders of his domain. Seneb: the duty to build a healthy, functioning society within the borders of his domain. So long as Rider acts to fulfil these three ideals, his enforcement of them will radiate around him as a moving Bounded Field. As the Field is the domain of the First King, those who submit to his rule will receive a boon to Life, Prosperity, and Building. Their wounds will be healed, they will know no poverty, and their works will reach the highest standard possible in their field. In a normal state, this Noble Phantasm has an effective radius of 2 square kilometers, being able to encompass a neighborhood or several.

Em heset net Shedet: Territory of the Phantasmal Beast (Anti-Army, A)
Unlike most other Servants of the class, Rider's mount is restricted to an area about the size of what would be considered a large village in today's terms; Rider himself will choose this domain to have the crocodile roam within before he summons it for the first time. Within this domain, a Phantasmal Crocodile with abilities similar to but weaker than the Dragon-kind roams. While it can generate Mana just from breathing, it cannot use Dragonbreath; however, it is still a very strong and tough crocodile with effectively infinite Mana. Rider can use this Beast as a mount within its domain, but when venturing outside of it, he will have to walk on foot or steal a car; this encourages a defensive, "turtling" strategy; while this makes his movements easier to track, it will also make it extremely foolish to try and attack him head-on.

Lore:

Spoiler:

Rider is Horus Narmer, the first Pharaoh to achieve unification of Upper and Lower Egypt - it was for this feat and many other achievements beyond the scope of mortal man that he was recorded into legend under the name of the great hero Menes. In a time when humanity still toiled under the rule of the Gods and even the very concept of "Hero" had not yet been born, Narmer laid the foundations of a kingdom that would last from the dawn of civilized humanity to the rise of the Roman Empire. His great-grandfather Iry-Hor is the oldest great figure whose name still carries meaning in this world, and his grandfather and father Ka and Scorpion II were great in their own right, but it was Narmer who rose above them and gave birth to the concept of "King of a great nation". In other words, he is the progenitor of the very concept of "King".

Personality:

Spoiler:

Rider is almost entirely driven by the phrase "Ankh, Wedja, Seneb", having made it his personal code. Even when summoned in a Grail War, where he holds no kingly authority, he will still act if he has the duties and responsibilities of a ruler. He is a man with a permanently resolute and dignified demeanor, never showing a moment's weakness, always wearing the mask of the king.

If one were to ask him why he desires the Grail, his first response would be "Because it is my duty to bring Life, Prosperity, and Good Building to my domain. The Holy Grail, foreign as it is, can ensure this for my people." If one were to press further, however, he would eventually realize that outside of his kingly duty, he does not know the motivation for his seeing of the Grail - or indeed, for anything else. Rider is a man who was so devoted to his ideal that he forgot his sense of self and his own desires. Even in his death, his only regret was that he could not bring his kingdom to greater heights.

Miscellaneous:
Likes: "Ankh, Wedja, Seneb"
Dislikes: Hippos. He is terrified of them
Talents: good statesmanship
Natural Enemy: Mesh-ki-ang-gasher, The Yellow Emperor, Romulus, other founders of great civilizations in general.
Catalyst: the Narmer Palette

[RoydGolden]

Hmm. To be honest, I think I actually liked your original version of Menes/Narner a bit more in some ways. The format is a little neater obviously, but I'm ambivalent about how you've changed around his NPs and some of the new NPs you've chosen to give him.

Em heset net Narmer seems unnecessary, frankly. The effects are kind of generic and there's no real reason why he in particular should have it other then "He was a really important king", which could apply equally if not moreso to people like Ramesses or Gilgamesh. Overall, I'd scrap this one altogether. It just doesn't seem to add much to his sheet, and he's already powerful enough without it.

Em heset net Shedet... Honestly, I liked the original version of this a bit better. That had more ties to the specific circumstances of his legend, as opposed to just "Summoning big crocodile". Also, what exactly determines the 'domain' where the Crocodile can roam? You mention Menes 'venturing outside of it' so clearly it doesn't move with him. Is it based on where he's intially summoned? (In that case, it really sucks if he happens to be summoned far from where the War is actually raging...)

Em heset net Sobek... Is there any basis in his legend of Narner turning into/fusing with a crocodile? If not, I might recommend scrapping this one as well. Obviously there's room for artistic license when crafting Servants (like Ramesses having the Sphinx) but this just feels kind of... strange, and out of place. I mean, there might very well be a lore justification I'm not aware of (not exactly an Egyptian Mythology buff, in case you can't tell) but then you could probably stand to explain such in the NP description itself.

Of the new NPs, Ankh, Wedja, Seneb is the only one that I'm unreservedly fond of. Though not specific to Narner in particular, since its tied specifically to Egyptian Kings (of which Narner was the first and possibly most important) it makes sense that he'd have something of that nature as an NP. I don't think you need the corollaries for Magic Resistance, honestly. Its only stated effects are buffing his allies, and making that conditional on low Magic Resistance is kind of needlessly nerfing him IMO. Anyway, there's really no reason one would want to evade its effects in the first place and I don't think its ever implied Magic Resistance prevents one from even receiving the effects of beneficial Magecraft (like healing, for instance).

[Constructman]

Em Heset net Narmer: you might have a point. Will take it off for now. I originally meant it as a representation of him being the first big King in known history, but maybe I can make something else.

Em Heset net Shedet: I actually thought that the original version of it was too convoluted, hence why I simplified it. As for the domain, Narmer chooses it himself.

Em Heset net Sobek: no, actually. I got the idea from Atalanta's Agrius Metamorphosis but it didn't come up in any of the legends surrounding Narmer, Hor-Aha, or Menes.

Ankh, Wedja, Aeneb: ... Oh. The MR thing is a typo. I meant to put it under Em heset net Narmer. Will take it out.

[Lily Emilio]

Where's the Millenium Puzzle? It should be one of his NPs.

[Bird of Hermes]

Honestly I like both versions of the character. I'm going to put my Alter sheet on hold for a bit as I realise I haven't made any Egyptian sheets yet.

[Bird of Hermes]

Class: Berserker (Can also be summoned as Caster)
True Name: Akhenaten
Alignment: Chaotic Mad
Place of Origin: Egypt

Strength- B
Endurance- A
Agility- B
Mana- C
Luck- C
NP- A

Height/Weight: 176cm/60kg
Likes: The Light
Dislikes: The Dark
Talent: Praising the Sun
Natural Enemy: The Sun Killer

Class Skills:

• Mad Enhancement (D) - Strength and Endurance parameters are up. Language ability is simple. Continuing complex thoughts over long periods of time are difficult.

Personal Skills:

• Solar Blessings (A) - A skill reserved for one who has devoted themselves to lords of light. Under direct sunlight, all of Akhenaten's parameters receive a Rank-Up.
• Divinity (B) - The measure of whether one has Divine Spirit aptitude or not. All pharaohs ascended to godhood after death.
• Information Erasure (C) - Obscures information regarding the Servant's true name, abilities and appearance from the memories of witnesses after an engagement. After his death, he was all but removed from history, known only as "That Traitor".
• Magecraft (D) - Capable of using the basics of orthodox Thaumaturgy, but is unlikely to be able to apply it in combat. Being summoned as a Berserker has greatly hindered his abilities.

Noble Phantasm

Aten Great Grand Awakening (Anti-Army) (A) - Aten is the disk of the sun in ancient Egyptian mythology, and originally an aspect of the god Ra. The deified Aten is the focus of the monotheistic religion of Atenism established by Amenhotep IV, who later took the name Akhenaten in worship and recognition of Aten. It is a creator and giver of life that stands above the gods in terms of authority and power. His absolute devotion to the Aten acts as the crystallisation of his Noble Phantasm. The Aten allows him to take a portion of its power and become a true aspect of the sun. As a result, he appears to be on completely immolated with his entire being wrapped in fire with no harm to him. Naturally this makes it difficult to attack him without being burned.

When activated, a large explosion of fiery mana is released, leaving Akhenaten in the centre of a smouldering crater. The earth will be scarred and what was caught in the explosion will be reduced to ash.

Lore

A pharaoh of the Eighteenth dynasty of Egypt.

Possessing a powerful affinity for fire since a child, he took a likeness to flame, regarding it as a source of life. He admired it and converted it for as the source of life it needed true recognition. And then he saw the great flame in the sky. Aten. Greater than all the gods before it and he adored it so. When he took power, he abandoned traditional Egyptian polytheism and introduced worship centred on the Aten. An early inscription likens the Aten to the sun as compared to stars, and later official language avoids calling the Aten a god, giving the solar deity a status above mere gods.

Akhenaten tried to bring about a departure from traditional religion, and yet he was continually resisted. After his death and that of his successor and wife, traditional practice was quickly restored, and after a few generations, Akhenaten and his immediate successors were all but lost from history due to the efforts of others until the discovery during the 19th century, of the site of Akhetaten, the city he built for the Aten, at Amarna. Most modern interest in Akhenaten and his queen, Nefertiti, who is regarded as one of the greatest female Pharaoh's in her own right, comes partly from his connection with Tutankhamun as they may or may not be his parents.

Typically, he would only take action should it be required of him but he is very proud and would demand that the relationship between him and his master be that of one as a king and his retainer with no exceptions. He adores the sun and would gladly spend his time gazing upon it fondly and as expected he despised darkness to the point of a phobia. Being summoned as a Berserker has only increased his obsession further to the point where it consumes him, should he witness the sun - he will gaze upon it as long as he is able to and cry deeply when it sets.

-------------------------
Considering how Caligula's madness came from the moon, I thought i'd do this guy as he was completely obsessed with the sun. He wasn't insane like Caligula though, just highly obsessed - hence the lower rank. The Noble Phantasm feels kinda lazy but it was the best I could do really. If anyone has any ideas for improvements, let me know.

- - - Updated - - -

Anyways, the Alter servant will be done in a day or two.

[Constructman]

Akhenaten: I can't see his picture. Did you make a mistake in the url? Also, how does he not go blind from staring at the sun all day?

Since most of the fighting in the Fuyuki Grail Wars took place at night, he would be somewhat gimped if his Master decided to only bring him out at night. However, the fact that he would probably just stare at the sun all day if he had it his way... Iunno. In any case, it would be very stupid to try and ambush him and his Master during the day.

Aten is pretty good for both defense and area denial. Simple, but effective, and it fits him.

[Bird of Hermes]

Image should be fixed now.

- - - Updated - - -

And yeah he's kinda obsessed with the sun to a fault though it's not like anyone can stop him. The sheet shows his power at night, he's just stronger during the day - where there is minimal combat...

[Zork Knight]

Akhenaten is my kind of guy. PRAISE THE SUN.

Overall a nice sheet.

[KAIZA]

Phew...I spent all night working on the faceclaim. And in finishing up this profile. Well, let's see if what I wrote half-asleep makes sense.

==================================================

Assassin [■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■] - “The Abysswalker”

Appearance

Strength – ■
Agility – ■
Mana – ■
Luck – ■
Endurance – ■
Noble Phantasm – ■

Height/Weight: 154cm ・ 42kg
Source: ■■■■■■
Region: ■■■■■■■
Alignment: Chaotic Hollow
Gender: ■

An aberration, an incongruity upon the Grail War brought forth by the desperate wishes of an incompetent magus. One could say said summoning in itself was a miracle brought by the Grail. Regardless, the Servant has been forcefully summoned into the Assassin container, and the botched method of summoning has altered the Servant’s state of mind.

No one knows for certain the origins or identity of this particular Servant, their only proof of identity being the ownership of a rather peculiar dagger. Some say they were once the future ruler of a vast kingdom, but buckled under the pressure of their destiny and fled; abandoning their duties and their people, they shut their emotions and fell into despair.

Others say they were the instead the stern ruler of the kingdom, cold and calculating, discarding their humanity for the sake of their subjects. But without emotion, they were driven into committing acts that would drive them further and further into madness.

What is certain, however, is that they were eventually consumed by the darkness, for when you gaze into the Abyss, the Abyss will gaze upon you. Now driven by nothing but instinct and compulsion, they seek to destroy that which drove them to the brink. A pitiful existence that was once a proud, noble soul, now nothing more than a shadow of their former self.

It is unknown what desire they hold in their Hollow heart. But, perhaps it is to hear their lost name one more time...■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■.

Skills
Instinct (C)
The power to "feel" the most favorable developments for oneself during battle. Due to Assassin’s mental state, their senses have been dulled. As such, it is only effective for the sake of defense.

Mana Burst (Shadow) (B+)
The increase in performance caused by infusing one's weapons and body with magical energy and instantly expelling it. Simply put, recreating the effect of a jet burst by expending large amounts of Magical Energy. This particular version of Mana Burst infuses weapons with Magical Energy that imparts a shadow effect.

Covenant of Shadows (A+)
Proof of the Servant’s communion with the darkness of the abyss itself, it is a pact which provides various blessings and protections from darkness and mental effects. In addition, it allows the Servant a limited amount of control over the shadows. At this rank, the Servant is able to become one with the shadows and even capable of moving through them as if they were portals.

Noble Phantasm: Shadow Shroud - Heart Bound in Darkness
Rank: C
Type: Anti-Unit (Self)
A heavy shadow created from Assassin’s True Noble Phantasm, as part of the pact the dagger grants, it completely conceals the Servant’s body, making proper identification impossible. The Servant’s name, stats and similar info will be completely obscured to an opposing Master. In addition, due to the Servant’s power over shadows, they are capable of using it for both offensive and defensive purposes, such as creating decoys of themselves or others, as well as using it to escape detection or retreat.

A simple, yet versatile Noble Phantasm, in proper hands, its strategic usage could prove advantageous. Unfortunately, Assassin’s state of mind prevents them from using it to its full potential. This Noble Phantasm becomes sealed once Assassin activates their True Noble Phantasm by calling its true name, giving her dagger a proper physical form.

True Name, Stats and Noble Phantasm

Artoria Pendragon (Alter)

Strength – B
Agility – A+
Mana – B+
Luck – D
Endurance – C
Noble Phantasm – A+

Height/Weight: 154cm ・ 42kg
Source: Arthurian Legends
Region: Great Britain (Romano-British Kingdoms)
Alignment: Chaotic Hollow
Gender: Female

Noble Phantasm: Carnwennan - Holy Dagger of the Shadow Oath
Rank: A+
Type: Anti-Unit
One of the sacred weapons granted to Artoria Pendragon, a dagger that represents an oath with the shadows from the abyss, and which grants protection from the darkness that dwells within. Due to the blessings imparted upon it, it is capable of shrouding its user in shadows, as well as granting them several skills, blessings and protections therein.

Recognizable by its white hilt and the fairy letters inscribed upon it, the blade is made from an unknown, obsidian ore, stronger than almost every other metal known to man, and is sharpened to an almost impossible degree. It was with this dagger that Artoria slew the witch Orddu, slicing her in half in a single stroke, and with which she felled the mighty giant of Mont St. Michel.

Normally taking the form of a dagger-shaped construct made of shadows, by calling upon its true name and dispelling the shadow around it, it turns back into a proper physical blade. The blade is sharpened to such an extent that she’s capable of cleanly cutting through almost anything. Artoria is capable of utilizing the various abilities bestowed upon her by this Noble Phantasm in conjunction with her increased agility and the blade’s inherent properties to deal swift death to her opponents.

Rather counter-intuitively, this Noble Phantasm deals more damage to those born of shadow and darkness, demonic beings, as well as those with a Hollow element.

==================================================
And now, to sleep!

[asterism42]

ooooh, that's a good one

[Mcjon01]

Assassin is a suboptimal starting class though, too many wasted stats. I would have thought Instinct would help her min-max better.

[RoydGolden]

That's a really cool sheet. When I first saw mention of the dagger and shadows (as well as the 'stern ruler' part), I immediately got a good idea of who it might be.

By far the most creative alternate take on Arturia I've ever seen. I thought of doing an Assassin Arturia once upon a time too, but my take was way more boring (just Arturia with Carnwennan instead of Excalibur, basically) then yours. Reminds me a bit of Lancelot in a way, what with the identity obscuring shadowy effect that gets dispelled when she invokes her true NP. Love it!

By the way, I said this before, but it's really impressive that you draw your own FCs. We have an artist here in our midst!

[Bird of Hermes]

That was a really well thought out Assassin sheet that i can see showing up in canon very easily. Probably would end up being a very plot heavy character in whatever work they appeared in.

Although I'm not sure how it could really be improved... PREPARE FOR NITPICKING!

The Instinct skill for Saber Alter was ranked down from A to B and given Assassins are more skill - less combat, you could move it up to B or even A if you wanted although the C was certainly justified.

The Noble Phantasms are all really thought out but I would make Shadow Shroud equal to Invisible Air with a C rank due to the lack of legend. Also the second Noble Phantasm could be ranked down by one. Although possible the most famous weapon of its type again it lacks the legend of something like Excalibur so i'd put it equal to the likes of Balmung and Galatine at rank A+. Then again, Rho-Whatever is EX so what do I know.

I would honestly say it's better than any Assassin servant I've made.

- - - Updated - - -

Also my own Alter servant should be up soon...

You guys will n e v e r guess who it is.