A couple months ago I came up with the idea of Shinji writing a OOC fanfic about himself, where he would retell the events of the Holy Grail War. I only ended up doing a single chapter because loleffort, but after digging it back up I figured I would post it here. Warning: this was my first attempt at writing comedy.
Hey, I’m Matou Shinji.
The Extraordinary Life of Matou Shinji
If you don’t know who I am, I’ll just give it to you straight. I’m basically the biggest badass in Japan, maybe even the world. I’m rich, intelligent, handsome, and I have a smoking hot sister (she’s adopted, it’s okay) who listens to my every word. Everyone who knows me wants to be me, and everyone who doesn’t know me wants to know me.
So yeah, I’m hot stuff.
Now, when you live a life like mine, you can’t just bottle it up. I’ve been through some incredibly cool experiences; stuff that you might see in manga, anime, or even a video game. That’s the kind of life I live. I’m certain that if I were to sell my life story, I’d make billions.
And guess what? I’m willing to give it to you for free. Did I mention I was selfless?
Although I’m a nice guy, I’m not going to start from the very beginning. I’m sure you’d all love to hear how I first learned to walk, or when I first learned to ride a bicycle, or whatever, but honestly, I don’t really care enough to write all that stuff.
Instead, I’m going to start from one of the most interesting chapters of my life. A story of heroism, of drama, of romance, of tragedy, and of success. I imagine the things I will tell you will be the most amazing things you’ve ever heard in your life – no, that you will ever hear in your life, so prepare to have your mind blown.
Anyway, before I get into the main segment, I figured I would give you a lowdown on some of the people that will be appearing.
Hmm… where should I start?
Well, I suppose I should begin with my closest pal – Emiya Shirou.
Emiya isn’t a bad guy. I mean, I’ve been friends with him for as long as I can remember – that should be proof enough that I consider him at least somewhat decent. But, nonetheless, there is one major problem with him.
He’s, well, an idiot.
I don’t mean this in a bad way. Wait – yes, I do. The guy is downright stupid. Sometimes I wonder how he even managed to live this long without getting himself killed somehow.
I suppose I should put this in perspective, so you can understand how stupid he is. You know how usually, when you do something, you expect to be rewarded for it? Well, not for Emiya. At school from time to time he will literally run around fixing stuff like heaters for absolutely nothing. Yes, nothing. I’ve tried to tell him he is wasting his time, but he is just too damn stupid to realize what he is doing.
Honestly, I feel bad for the guy. About a year ago, he got himself injured working at his part time job (yes, he has a part time job… what did I say – he’s an idiot). Since I felt bad for him, I sent my sister to go help him out, with cooking and stuff. I mean, I didn’t want him to end up burning his own house down, or anything. He needed a babysitter. That’s how stupid he is.
I think it worked out rather well. The only problem that I didn’t see coming was the fact that he got rather… attached to my sister, you could say. Like a puppy dog. Often when I’ll be talking with her about daily things, for some reason he always seems to believe I’m hurting her or being mean to her, when that’s obviously not the case.
But anyway, I should save that part for later, as it’ll come up later in the story. Let’s just say that he continues to be an embodiment of stupidity.
So, who else?
Maybe I should get talking about a girl who is crushing on me – Tohsaka Rin.
Tohsaka is one of those really popular girls. You know the type: beautiful, smart, comes from a rich family, all that stuff. Now, as I’m one of those popular guys, we are obviously completely compatible. So you might be wondering: why haven’t I started dating her?
Well, she’s a bit of a tsundere.
If you don’t know already, I’m the captain of the archery dojo. As I’m incredibly handsome and popular, a lot of girls like to watch us practice just to see my handsome figure. Tohsaka isn’t an exception.
So, one time, in the morning before class, I saw her leaving the archery dojo. Obviously I put on my moves, walked up to her, and began a conversation. It started out with just daily stuff; like the weather, how early it was, how I’m clearly the captain of the archery dojo, that kind of stuff.
But after that, I started talking about how she should just stay and watch me practice, you know, like usual. This is where the tsun started to begin.
As a proper tsundere, she began blabbering about how she wasn’t there to see me, or how she never even knew I was in the range, or how she isn’t interested in me. Of course, she was also blushing like crazy the entire time. And before I could even reply, she ended up running off, still blushing.
You would think tsunderes would be some of the easiest to capture, but to tell you the truth, I’ve always had a bit of trouble with them. Don’t worry though; if you’re a fan of tsunderes, there is plenty of her to come later.
Since we are on the topic of girls madly in love with me, I guess we should move onto my little sister, Sakura.
Sakura isn’t my full blood sister – she’s actually adopted, but nonetheless, she still loves me like any imouto would love her nii-san. Well, maybe a bit more than the usual love. She basically does whatever I tell her to do. That’s how madly in love she is.
And she is where this story truly begins.
We’ll see plenty of other characters (including more girls madly in love with me) later on, but for now, let’s begin with the actual story. The beginning, at least.
So, here we go.
It all started out one afternoon, when I was in my room, doing Shinji things. Everything was as perfect as can be, like usual. I was just in the middle of learning how to play the violin (which would be the 18th instrument I know how to play, by the way) when I started to hear whimpering. Almost like the whimpering of a cat.
The thing is – we don’t have a cat.
Being the hero I am, I decided to go check it out. It was clearly coming from inside the house, so I left my room, and began following the sound of the whimpering.
The whimpering eventually led me to the door of my gramps’ old cellar, where he keeps his insect collection. Or was it a worm collection? Honestly, I can’t remember.
Anyway, since I wasn’t going to let a few bugs stop me, I opened the door.
And that’s when I saw her. Sakura was on the ground, crying into her knees.
Like any real brother, I ran over to her as fast as I could. I grabbed onto her tightly, holding her close to my heart, telling her it would be okay. I still had no idea what was wrong, of course, but I still needed to cheer her up before I found out the truth.
Eventually, she stopping crying, and I asked her what was wrong.
“What is the matter, dear sister?”
“G-Grandfather wants me to do bad things.”
As if on cue, a maddening laughter came out of nowhere. My old gramps then walked out of the shadows.
“What do you mean, girl? I just want you to fight for me.”
Even now, I still had no idea what was going on, but I didn’t need to know. Nobody tells me sister what to do, except me.
“What are you talking about!?” I yelled, standing up defiantly at the same time.
Gramps just continued laughing, like he does 99% of the time. He also did that creepy stare he always likes to do. I swear – the guy is basically a super villain.
“The Holy Grail War, boy. Don’t you remember? The war between Magi, for the chance to have a wish granted. I just wanted your sister to win it for me.”
Obviously, I had known about the Grail War. It was impossible not to. My gramps never shuts up about it.
Now, if you guys don’t know, I’ll give you some basic details. Basically, a bunch of Magi started a ritual a long time ago, with the intention to reach some library. Honestly, I don’t really know why they needed a Holy Grail to reach a library, but whatever.
The point is that this ritual eventually turned into a battle to the death. The Grail chooses 7 people, and those 7 people are supposed to summon Heroic Spirits; famous people throughout history. These 7 people (known as Masters) take their Heroic Spirits (known as Servants) and just try and kill each other. The last one standing gets the Grail, and can make a wish. Or a library card? Maybe I’m missing something here.
Anyway, the Masters are usually supposed to be Magi, and since Sakura is one, I had already known that she would be participating. However, I thought she wanted to win because she had a wish of some sort – maybe for her nii-san to love her even more, or maybe for an insect collection of her own (she always seemed to love my gramps’ insect collection, for whatever reason).
But if she was actually being forced into it, I would not take that sitting down.
“Why don’t you do it yourself, old man? Leave Sakura out of this.”
Still, more of that creepy laughter.
“She’s already summoned her Servant. There is no turning back now.”
Sakura started to cry, again.
Things were looking bad. Gramps wasn’t going to just let her drop out of the war, and if she’s already summoned her Servant, there wasn’t much I could do.
To tell you the truth, I’m not a Magus. Yeah – despite my perfections, despite the fact that I come from a long line of Magi, I’m not one. Not that I’d want to be one, though. I hate magic. It’s for losers. I mean, really, anything a Magus could do with their special powers, I could do with just using regular human ability – that’s how god damn amazing I am. Magic is just taking the easy way out, which is something I don’t do.
But the problem is that since I’m not a Magus, I can’t hold a Servant properly. Something to do with lack of energy, I think.
Even so, that wasn’t going to stop me. I am willing to do anything to make my sister happy, even if it means doing the impossible.
I went back to Sakura, and hugged her once more.
“Don’t cry, love of my life.” I said, while wiping a tear off her cheek. “I will make everything better.”
As if she knew what I said was true, she stopped crying, and began smiling.
“Yes, that’s right.” I continued. “You are so much more beautiful when you smile.”
“Thanks, nii-san.” She replied, as she hugged me even tighter. I held onto her for a long while, embracing her warmth.
“Everything will be okay, Sakura. I promise I will protect that smile of yours.”
Saying that, I got back up and glared at my old gramps.
“Let me fight in the war. I’ll take Sakura’s place.”
He responded by gasping in shock. Clearly, he was amazed at my heroism.
“Even though you know you might die?”
“Yes. Death never bothered me anyway.”
The old man stood there, as if he was thinking about something. After a few moments, he laughed again, and started to walk out of the room.
“Fine. I’ll give you something so you can control her Servant. Until then, you best get prepared for the fight to come.”
Oh, I was prepared. I’m always prepared.
I let him leave the room, and then turned back to Sakura.
“Sakura – where is your Servant? I should probably meet him.”
She nodded, and stood up.
“Rider, you can come out now.”
To my surprise, a big breasted woman appeared in front of us. She had long pink hair, a rather sexy dress, and some sort of blindfold on her eyes.
“Nice to meet you, I’m Shinji.” I said, while stretching out my hand.
Rider made no response, so I dropped the handshake. It was no big deal – she was probably just shy.
“Can I trust you to have my back?”
This time, she actually did respond.
“Yes, Master. I will do anything to protect Sakura.”
And from then on there, I knew she was going to be the perfect partner. Anyone who loves Sakura could not be a bad person.
“That’s good to hear. Oh, and by the way, you don’t need to be so formal. Just call me Shinji.”
“Okay… S-Shinji-kun.” She said, while blushing. I guess even a shy, beautiful woman like her could not resist my charms.
I suppose you could say that was where it all started.
Things started to get rather crazy after that. I met a bunch of new people, beat up a couple of the bad ones, and eventually ended up saving the world.
But that, my followers, is a story for another time.
Until then, see ya.
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Originally Posted by Thedoctor
