Robot Nasu - RE:Act

[Kratosirving]

Well, since I really loved all of Esgalia and our antics that resulted from his insanity, I've been digging through the dregs of the Internet (With the assistance of Google and it's caching of webpages) and I'm going to share them again.


Original Poster: Esgalia


Happy Paradox Spiral Day everyone!

While we're waiting for the movie, here's a Public Service Announcement from your friends at Robot Nasu that was suppose to air for the fourth movie. Enjoy!



Robot Nasu: P.S.A. #1

Somewhere in Ohio. Esgalia sits at his desk, with
Phantasmoon standing right behind
him. Phantasmoon is her usual energetic self,
whereas Esgalia seems to be focusing all his
attention directly ahead of him.

ESGALIA
Hello. I’m Esgalia, creator of the popular hit web
series-

PHANTASMOON
Ahem!

ESGALIA
I mean... THE web series, Robot Nasu.

PHANTASMOON
And I’m Phantasmoon! Defender of the Holy Piracy
Hunters League.

ESGALIA
Uh, no you’re not.

PHANTASMOON
Uh, yes I am!

ESGALIA
Doesn’t exist.

PHANTASMOON
It most certainly does!

Sighing, Esgalia flips open his laptop.

ESGALIA
You go to Google, type it in, no results, up yours.

PHANTASMOON
Are you doubting ME?

Phantasmoon pulls out her knife, Esgalia winces
and his hands immediately cover his stitch filled
neck.

ESGALIA
DON’T HURT ME!

Phantasmoon thrusts another paper in Esgalia’s
face.

PHANTASMOON
You know the deal, Torrenter. Now say it.

ESGALIA
Y-y-yes. We’re not here to crack jokes and poke fun at
an awesome fandom today. We’re here to talk about the
effects and harms of person to person-

PHANTASMOON
Illegal downloading.

ESGALIA
-file sharing. What? Same thing.

PHANTASMOON
Just stick to the script.

ESGALIA
And wow! Oh my- how could I have overlooked the irony
that the fifth Kara no Kyoukai movie is about to be
released? In Japan, I mean. That was in no way
implied about the internet.

PHANTASMOON
For most of you who frequent the Lair, this is a most
celebrated event among the Nasuverse. The successful
animation of Nasu’s original work is a promising sign
of the future and will be observed by most everyone.

ESGALIA
And there may be some of you who won’t, or like only
Tsukihime or Fate. And then there may be some of you
who just lurk around and planet viruses on our board.

PHANTASMOON
And that was in no way directed at wowposter.

Esgalia and Phantasmoon briefly glare at the
screen.

ESGALIA
Anyway, what we’re trying to say is, even though the
Kara no Kyoukai movies are awesome, and that this one
is suppose to be greater than sex itself, it still
doesn’t change the fact that...

PHANTASMOON
Say it.

ESGALIA
Well... it still is... rather-

PHANTASMOON
SAY IT!

ESGALIA
I-i-illegal... to download it.

Phantasmoon starts to pat Esgalia’s back.

PHANTASMOON
There there. It wasn’t that hard. Feel better?

ESGALIA
No.

PHANTASMOON
Too bad. Back on topic, some say that, since it’s not
licensed overseas, it’s okay to download these movies
because there would be no one to sue or enforce the
law.

ESGALIA
Yes. You’re right. But let me add that most subbers
cease subbing and distribution on shows once they’re
licensed in the country they sub for.

PHANTASMOON
Bah! Cheap, feel good ethics are no match for the cold
iron will of the law.

Esgalia shrugs.

ESGALIA
At least it clears the conscious.

PHANTASMOON
Schneizel Effort, eh?

ESGALIA
You go with the best.

Phantasmoon glares as if she has transformed into
Red Arcueid, then resumes.

PHANTASMOON
Increasing temptation to decapitate my smartass
quasi-creator aside, it’s still stealing. It would be
like working hard in a burger joint and people just
walking in and taking the burgers for free.

ESGALIA
Yes, because it’s obvious that people who download the
subs never go and buy the official release once it’s
out. Think of it as a digital IOU.

PHANTASMOON
How can you say that!? Lots of people put a lot of
effort into making these movies and depend upon sales
to support their lives. They depend on revenue to make
a living!

ESGALIA
You and I may disagree on distribution, but that is one
area we both agree in. Investing monetarily in the
shows and movies you like is an unspoken obligatory
act.

PHANTASMOON
Yes, because if you buy the DVD yourself, it sends a
signal to the companies that the show is popular and to
continue it, which will result in such similar quality
programming in the future. And you scumbags who feed
off of anime on YouTube, the view number doesn’t count.

ESGALIA
Yeah, I must admit that is kind of cheap. Get the
better quality and freer access of the DVD’s.

PHANTASMOON
So remember, it’s better to have patience and wait-

ESGALIA
Two years.

PHANTASMOON
-for the official release to come out.

ESGALIA
Though it’ll be a waste if Julie Ann Taylor ends up
voicing Shiki.

PHANTASMOON
And you’ll feel great at knowing that you bought it and
supported the industry and people that provides it for
you.

ESGALIA
Unless it’s done by 4Kids, in which you’d be perfectly
justified in downloading the subs yourself.

Phantasmoon raises her knife.

ESGALIA (CONT’D)
Oh, come on! Haven’t you seen their One Piece
dub? Why don’t you fight unnecessary bullshit
censoring that’s a bigger threat to the anime
industry? Well, at least in America.

PHANTASMOON
Fine. Everyone, from this day forward, all anime
dubbed by 4Kids will be the sole exception for
downloading. Anything else will get a visit from me!

ESGALIA
So from all of us at Robot Nasu, support the anime
industry, and Happy Paradox Spiral Day!

PHANTASMOON
~Bye!

Phantasmoon leaps out of Esgalia’s window. After
waiting to make sure she’s gone, Esgalia flips
open his laptop, opens the BitLord program, and
grins.

ESGALIA
Yes! Thirty minutes to go for KnK 5!

End show. Cue chorus of Nyaa Nyaa Nyaa to the
ending theme.

[Kratosirving]

Original Poster: Kieran

*Channel Change*

[SCENE: A nude SABER (unfortunately concealed by blankets) rolls off of a red-haired male, and cuddles against his side.]

SABER: Ohhh . . . *pant, pant* Even though I arrive in each new time instantly, it feels like I've been waiting an entire lifetime to do that! You're even better than I remember, Shirou.

[The DAZED-LOOKING REDHEAD finally rises, looking as though this has been his first opportunity to breathe and think coherently, never mind speak, in some time.]

DAZED-LOOKING REDHEAD: Shirou . . . ? Uh, Lady, who exactly are you? And how do you know my Dad?

[SCENE: The planet Earth, twenty seconds later.]

BOTH: AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!


*Channel Change*


Original Poster: Kratosirving


*add-on to Kierans' skit*

"Wait a minute....blond hair, green eyes, a long stubborn strand of hair standing up like that..."

*zoom out to Japan*

AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Next days' News

NewsCASTER: ...and in other news, a large scale earthquake registering 7.0 on the Richter scale devastated Japan last night, the epicenter in the mid-sized city of Fuyuki. Geologists are baffled as to how such an earthquake occured, as no tectonic activity had been detected. More at 11, and now, over to Berserker with Sports!

Sports Analyst: "---------!!!!!"


Original Poster: Unknown


*Channel Change*

Phone: Hello, you've reached the suicide hotline.

Archer: I'm having serious thoughts of killing myself...

[Kratosirving]

Original Poster: Hoster


Channel change

*Shiki is about to leave the house for the first time after returning to the mansion*

Kohaku
Here's something Makihisa-sama left for you Shiki-san!

Shiki
Huh? That old bastard left something for me? Wonder what it is...

*Opens lid*

All
...

*Moment of silence. Hisui clears her throat*

Hisui
Ah... There's a piece of paper in the corner there, Shiki-sama.

Shiki *lifts up the piece of paper*
This is... Instructions?

*Fast forward to fight with Chaos, Arcueid's just been submerged*

Chaos
Do you really think you can kill all the beasts within me?

Shiki
Uhh, this guy is impossible. Unless...

*Gets out the package and takes hold of the item inside*

Shiki
Face the ultimate Anti-monster tool of my family Bi+$H! Go, Master Ball!

Chaos
WTF?

*flash of red light, chaos gets swallowed by the thrown masterball*

Master Ball *In a bright and cheery voice*
Yes! Nrqnsvr Chaos was caught! The data will be added to the pokedex.

*Channel Change*



Original Poster: Kieran


*Channel change*

[SCENE: Ryuudoji Temple, where GILGAMESH and SABER are squaring off. GILGAMESH has opened the Gate of Babylon and is about to destroy the collapsed, wounded SABER.]

VOICE: There he is! Chaaaarrrgge!

GILGAMESH: What? Who dares - ?!

[A mob swarms over the hill, surrounding SABER while hurling objects (rotten fruit, rocks, etc.) or waving instruments of trauma (baseball bats, torches, crowbars) at GILGAMESH. He unleashes the Gate of Babylon, slaughtering them by the hundreds, and yet they continue coming and eventually consume him within their mass, where sounds of pain and graphic violence are heard.]

SABER: Who are you?

[The group kneels. One stands apart from the rest.]

LEADER: We are your Not-So-Secret Service, Your Majesty!

SABER: My . . . what? *Shakes head* Never mind - I must help Shirou.

LEADER: Shirou?! That unappreciative bastard's here? C'mon men - charge!

[The surviving people rally and run off.]




[SCENE: SHIROU and KOTOMINE are squaring off. ]

SHIROU: Trace -

[The mob appears and begins surrounding him.]


SHIROU: - Oaaaaahhh-oh-God-please-aaaaanonotthereaarrrggggh!!

[KOTOMINE watches for a moment, shrugs, then walks into the area to finish preparing the Grail summoning.]

Scene changes to Ryuudoji Temple, which explodes in darkness, before the image fades to black and white, scrolling back to reveal a newscaster type.]

NEWSCASTER: Total deaths in the Fuyuki area at three thousand believed dead in the initial blast, twelve thousand confirmed dead in the ensuing aftermath. *Sighs and shakes head* Sad. Tune in next week when we show even more graphic footage of the Caster Club's activities, in brand-new episode of . . . When Fanboys Attack.


*Channel change*

[Kratosirving]

Original Poster: Esgalia


All I'm going to say is if this episode doesn't get me banned from Beast's Lair, then the rest should be smooth sailing.

Also, congrats to RoadBuster for guessing that this episode contains a Jay and Silent Bob Parody. You win the opportunity to guest write in episode seven. At least, I think that passes as a prize (I've been known to be wrong before...)

Anyway, it's the one fanfic that puts in less effort than J.C. Staff ever did (you know what I mean). It's Robot Nasu time!



Any likeness of any and all fictional characters is done in a ficticious and parodic manner.

Robot Nasu: Episode Six

Change Channel

Misaki High School. Ciel walks into the
classroom, wiping her forehead as she sits down at
her desk.

CIEL
It was great that Tohno-kun helped me mend that fence,
or I would’ve been caught staring out at it in
class. And that would’ve been bad.

Smiling, she looks at the part Skiki mended, only
to find Nanako standing out there. She has a
scowl on her face and holds a sign that says "You
forgot to feed me today!" As soon as Ciel reads
it, Nanako turns and kicks the mended fence until
it’s scattered.

Scene change to the hallway, where Ciel is
standing holding a pair of buckets. She glares at
Nanako, who sits across from her and stares back
at her.

CIEL (CONT’D)
You are so fucking dead when we get home.

Change Channel

Touko’s office. Touko is trying to get some
paperwork done, but is constantly distracted by
the thumping noises that Shiki is making. Touko
looks up and watches her slash her knife across
several clocks with the aid of her Mystic Eyes.

TOUKO
What are you doing?

SKIKI
Killing time.

Change Channel

Kotomine Church. Kirei slashes a sword at Bazett
and severs her left arm. She falls to the ground
writhing in pain as Kotomine calmly picks up the
arm. He then crouches down and stares at Bazett.

KIREI
Hey Bazett. What did the five fingers say to the face?

Bazett slowly lifts her head to stare at Kirei,
who immediate hits her across the face with her
severed arm. She falls unconscious.

KIREI (CONT’D)
Slap!

Change Channel

A strange wasteland. A crew of aliens are
desperately trying to repair their UFO.

ALIEN A
Hurry everyone! We need to finish and take off before
that thing comes again.

A random alien runs up to the first one.

ALIEN B
Leader, we are done here. The ship is good for
takeoff.

ALIEN A
Thank goodness. Let’s vacate this forsaken piece of
land.

All the aliens cheer, but at that moment, a shadow
covers the entire ship. They all look up and see
a giant claw coming out of the sky and toward
their ship. Panicking they make for the UFO, but
the claw grasps onto the ship before most can make
it on. A few are impaled by the claw, and several
fall to their deaths as the ship is raised into
the air.

ALIEN A (CONT’D)
Quick! Tell the bridge to shake it loose!

The UFO begins to wiggle, then suddenly breaks
free and comes crashing down, ending in a horrible
wreck.

ALIEN A (CONT’D)
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

ALIEN B
Look out! It’s coming again!

ALIEN A
Oh, for the love of-

Scene change to an arcade, where Arcueid is busy
playing the UFO Crane Game. She strains as she
watches the claw lift a toy UFO out from the pile,
oblivious to the muffled tiny screams from
inside. She cries as the UFO breaks free again.

ARCUEID
I don’t get this game.

Change Channel

Outer space. A caption says the date is ’December
21, 2012,’ and a giant asteroid is on a collision
course for the Earth. As it passes the moon, a
giant cloud comes flying from it and forms into
the shape of Crimson Moon.

CRIMSON MOON
Not on my watch, bitch!

He winds up a punch and sends the asteroid back
into deep space.

CRIMSON MOON (CONT’D)
Try again in a thousand years, sucker!

Change Channel

Fuyuki City. Saber readies Excalibur against a
man who, when he steps into the light, is revealed
to be Shakespeare.

SHAKESPEARE
You know, they say the pen is mightier than the sword.

He pulls out a quill, flicks the Excali-blast
aside, and jams it into Saber’s forehead.

Change Channel

Arcueid’s Marble Phantasm. Before the Millenium
Castle a stage has been set up with what was once
five kitchens. However, they have all been
destroyed, thanks to the rivalry between Akiha,
Arcueid, Ciel, Kohaku and Sion, who are currently
having a cooking contest for a date with
Shiki. The five of them, nursing bruises, grab
hold of their dishes and prepare to head over
where they bound Shiki so he can judge their food.

CIEL
Though I’m loathe to say this to a vampire, your
suggestion of using your Millenium Castle was an
excellent idea.

ARCUEID
Isn’t it? This is my Marble Phantasm, the most
powerful force in the world! Here anything is
possible, and nothing can destroy-

Arcueid suddenly looks up. Seconds later, the
others notice that the Millenium Castle in the
background is crumbling as it falls to the
ground. Then, the entire Marble Phantasm fails.

CIEL
You were saying?

SION
I have a zero percent chance of figuring out what just
happened. Does anyone else know?

VOICE
Maybe I can explain...

Everyone looks to the newcomer standing in the
shadows. Kohaku recovers first, an aura of
darkness covering her.

KOHAKU
Go away, little girl. No one interrupts an Iron Chef
competition without consequence to their life.

Suddenly, that dark aura disappears as Kohaku and
the others see who steps out from the shadows.

SATSUKI
If that Marble Phantasm was an Iron Chef match, then
consider my Depletion Garden as Hell’s Kitchen!

AKIHA
Get lost reject!

Everyone attempts to assault Satsuki, activating
their most potent magic powers. Satsuki smirks.

SATSUKI
Depletion Garden, reactivate!

Suddenly, Akiha, Arcueid, Ciel and Sion fall to
their ground, their mana sapped and their powers
nullified. Satsuki laughs, but Kohaku continues
her charge, pulling out dozens of shot needles.

KOHAKU
You forgot I don’t fight with magic. Now feel the
wrath of the cold hand of science!

Kohaku lunges, but Satsuki does a Matrix-dodge,
then comes up and restrains Kohaku from behind and
grabs her poisons.

SATSUKI
Shakespeare once said ’Tis an ill cook that cannot lick
his own fingers.’ Do you think the same applies to
chemists?

Kohaku gasps, then Satsuki jams all the
needlepoints into Kohaku’s cheek. Suddenly the
maid swells up and hives break out all over
her. She falls to the ground as Satsuki steps
back to survey the five heroines powerless on the
ground.

SATSUKI
Oh, how I’ve waited and dreamed for this day. You all
thought you could cook your way into Tohno-kun’s life,
but now, you’re all toast!

Satsuki laughs evilly and all tremble before her.

Scene change to where Shiki has been bound and
left until the end of the contest. Only his face
is shown, which is laying against the ground, eyes
closed.

SHIKI
In hindsight, I wondered if there was anything that
could’ve been done differently, anything that could’ve
prevented the series of events that led to this.

SATSUKI
Did you say something, Tohno-kun?

Skiki opens his eyes and the camera zooms out to
show Satsuki on top of him. He is still bound,
but his shirt has been removed and his chest
covered in whipped cream, which Satsuki lustfully
licks off of him.

SHIKI
Uh... could you-

Satsuki silences him with a tender finger to his
lips.

SATSUKI
Mmmmm. Just a little while longer...

SHIKI
B-b-but...

SATSUKI
You’re lucky Tohno-kun. Would you rather be like them?

Shiki looks over at where the contestants of the
former contest was. Akiha is locked into a walk
in freezer, Arcueid is chained to a table where
she painfully chops up clovers of garlic, Ciel is
bound to a pulley system with a ton of curry as a
counterweight, Kohaku is still shaking from being
stabbed with her own poisons, and Sion is
struggling to keep her sanity as she is forced to
prepare dozens of blood cheesecakes. Shiki sighs.

SHIKI
A Sacchin is fine too.

Change Channel

A public school. The class is full of fifth
graders dressed in Halloween costumes as the
teacher tries to preserve order in the
classroom. The door then opens and Asagami walks
in, wearing a hatchet on her head.

TEACHER
Fujino, that’s a nice costume, but it’s a bit too
scary. Could you please take it off.

Asagami looks confused, then realizes what the
teacher is talking about.

ASAGAMI
Oh, is today Halloween?

Confused, the teacher walks over, then realizes
it’s not only a real hatchet, but blood is slowly
oozing out of the wound. She screams.

Change Channel

A caption reads ’1942.’ A lone B-25 Bomber flies
over the island of Japan. Inside the cockpit Lt.
Holmes is busy on the radio.

LT. HOLMES
Once again this is AAF 40-2269 to any friendly
aircraft. We are off course and low on fuel. Please
respond.

A thud shakes the aircraft.

PILOT
Sir! That was the last of our fuel, we’re going down
hard!

LT. HOLMES
Dammit! Quick, look for a flat strip of earth to land
on.

PILOT
Yessir, I’ll find a good- what the hell is that!?

Scene change to Fuyuki City. The Holy Grail is
nearing completion as Zouken watches on gleefully.

ZOUKEN
Yes. Yes! Soon these dozens of decades will be
fulfilled, and Akasha shall be mine!

Suddenly in the distance Zouken sees a B-25
falling out of the sky on a direct course for the
Holy Grail. Before he can react, the bomber
crashes into the Holy Grail, causing it to explode
and disappear. Zouken is silent for several
seconds as this all sinks in, then explodes.

ZOUKEN (CONT’D)
God Fucking Dammit!

Change Channel

A fast food restaurant. Iskander is standing at
the door, fully dressed save for pants. He
ignores Waver’s ranting and points to the sign on
the door and to himself.

ISKANDER
Have shirt, have shoes, have service. I’m going in.

Iskander walks in, and Waver stays outside,
wincing as dozens of screeches are heard from
inside.

Change Channel

Tohno Mansion. Roa has sneaked in and is stealthy
moving through the hallways.

ROA
Shiki. You shall rue ever crossing me and stealing the
White Princess away from me. Now if only I can
remember where the hell the bedrooms are in this house!

Roa goes to open a random door and sees Hisui. He
prepares to dive out of sight, but then realizes
that she’s asleep, despite standing up. He then
grins.

ROA (CONT’D)
Just as well. Making my nemises’s personal maid my
slave will facilitate my revenge.

He slowly approaches Hisui, grabs her and bites
her neck. A metallic clang rings throughout the
house, and Roa’s teeth that bit onto Hisui’s neck
shatter.

ROA (CONT’D)
OOOWWWWW!!!

At that moment, Mech-Hisui powers up and analyzes
Roa.

MECH-HISUI
Target gender: Male. Species is vampire: power
increased by seventy percent above lethal level.

She closes in on Roa and delivers a rocket knee
strike to his groin, going clear through it. Roa
helplessly sinks to the floor.

Scene change to Akiha’s room, where Akiha and
Kohaku are watching a television. On it they see
Mech-Hisui finish off Roa with twin flamethrowers
mounted onto her wrists.

AKIHA
You were right Kohaku. This technology is amazing!

Change Channel

Fuyuki city. Lancer and Ko-Gil are sitting on the
dock, staring with disbelief somewhere high above
them.

LANCER
Uh, Ko-Gil?

KO-GIL
Yes?

LANCER
Where did you say you got the bait from?

Ko-Gil checks the can he is holding.

KO-GIL
Uh... Zouken’s Can and Wormery?

LANCER
Yeah... let’s not do that again.

Camera zooms out to reveal a heavily mutated
kraken in the bay, with Lancer’s fishing line
hooked into its mouth. It goes on a rampage,
screaming and flailing its tentacles over the
city, destroying dozens of buildings as the
citizens flee in panic.

On a nearby hill, Bluebeard from the Fourth
Heaven’s Feel stares in awe.

BLUEBEARD
I’ve got to get me one of those.

Change Channel

A Cathedral. Caren is sitting on one of the pews
when Ciel walks in.

CIEL
Wait. Are you even suppose to be here?

CAREN
Don’t get me started. Not after what those two bums
are saying.

CIEL
I thought only the one talked.

Caren rolls her eyes.

CAREN
Anyway, they’re telling everyone who comes here that
we’re horny for each other and are selling our life’s
story to some yuri manga artist.

Ciel storms off.

CIEL
That’s it! I’m going to do something to those two
punks that I’ve should’ve done a long time ago.

Scene change to outside the Cathedral to where
Arcueid and Len are hanging out. Len is holding a
boombox while Arcueid raps.

ARCUEID
~Drinking blood from a stream.
Go to bed, have wet dream.
Violent death, horny
lust.
All these urges are a
must.~

Len suddenly spies Kotomine Kirei and Merem
Solomon heading their way. She tugs on Arcueid’s
sleeve, who sees them and continues to rap.

ARCUEID (CONT’D)
~Wanna try? Go
ahead. Come and join the
living dead.~

Kirei and Solomon grab hold of the two and drag
them away from the Cathedral.

ARCUEID (CONT’D)
OW! What the hell did we do?

KIREI
You have been very disruptive to God’s holy work.

SOLOMON
In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, we
hereby excommunicate Arcueid and Silent Len from his
Hallowed grounds. Now begone!

Blacks out and displays the title "Arcueid and
Silent Len Strike Back!" Then it switches scene
to Zelretch’s apartment where Arcueid and Len are
freeloading.


ARCUEID
C’mon Len. We got to go to fucking Tokyo to stop
fucking J.C. Staff from making our fucking anime so the
fucking nerds on the fucking Beast’s Lair don’t fucking
ever make fun of us again!

Len nods her head violently.

ZELRETCH
But it was already made over five years ago-

ARCUEID
So? Me and Len got to do something to stop those
assholes from dissing us all the time, like that
Esgalia tool saying how we suck.

ZELRETCH
Look, those guys love you two. They just hated the
anime version of it, that’s all!

ARCUEID
Whatever. Let’s go Len. We’re going to Japan!

Scene change to a laboratory at night. A sign
says "The Institute of Gland Research." Arcueid
and Len walk among the various cages, shining
their flashlights all over the place.

ARCUEID
This sucks. We really need some dude to show us the
ways of Japan so we don’t walk the whole
smorgasbord. And it probably would help if this dude
could we someone we could screw with on the side.

Len suddenly stops and tugs on Arcueid’s
sleeve. She points to a cage beside her and the
two of them look in to see Tohno Shiki. Len nods.

ARCUEID
He’ll do.

Scene change to the side of a road. Ahika has
dragged Shiki into a car and it speeds off into
the horizon. Arcueid and Len chase after the car
but quickly tire.

ARCUEID
Dammit! That was one guy I loved enough not to suck
his blood, and he ditches us for some other girl, and
she didn’t even have boobs!

Len shrugs, then motions after the car.

ARCUEID (CONT’D)
Oh? And how the hell are we going to chase after them?

Len makes a box and writes in it.

ARCUEID (CONT’D)
But we don’t have a map!

Len scowls and repeats the motions.

ARCUEID (CONT’D)
Seriously, I’ve about had it with you and your gay mime
routine.

Len continues to frantically motion and point at
where the car drove off.

ARCUEID (CONT’D)
C’mon Len! Forget that stupid vow of silence to that
dead old Magus and just fucking say it!

Len snaps, grabs Arcueid’s shirt, and yanks her
down to her face level and screams.

LEN
THE SIGN! ON THE BACK OF THE CAR! SAID ’PROPERTY OF
J.C. STAFF!’ YOU DUMB FUCK!

Len releases Arcueid and walks after the car.

ARCUEID
Dream it, don’t scream it.

Scene change to J.C. Staff. Arcueid and Len are
before an entire filming crew who are preparing to
create the Tsukihime anime.

ARCUEID
Man, I hate hitting all of these dumb sets and playing
all retarded and all in them.

Len motions with her hands, pointing between the
two of them, then someplace upstairs.

ARCUEID (CONT’D)
Yeah. You think we’d have figured to go to the CEO
first.

Suddenly, Nero Chaos bursts through the wall. The
scene pauses and a caption appears saying "Hey
guys! It’s Kenta Miyake!" Then appears "No, it’s
not Jouji Nakata." Finally another line appears
saying "Get over it already."

NERO CHAOS
Now, Princess of the True Ancestors, you shall be
defeated by me! Haha!

Len gives Nero the finger. He responds by letting
out two of his beasts, which knock Len through a
window outside.

ARCUEID
Oh my god! Are you some sort of screwed up furry?

NERO CHAOS
What?

ARCUEID
Those beasts came out of you? Did you screw them or
something?

Nero turns to the crew.

NERO CHAOS
I don’t recall her being THIS stupid in the script.

ARCUEID
What about cats? Are cats fine too?

Nero snaps and pulls out a lightsaber.

NERO CHAOS
That’s it! Let’s end this now!

ARCUEID
No prob, asshole. My little friend has a surprise for
you.

At that moment, the side wall to the studio
crumbles as a Dire Wolf walks into the set. The
hundred ton mech points its arms at a startled
Nero. Len appears in the cockpit and waves.

ARCUEID
What’s the matter? You expecting a Star Wars
reference? Now Len! Take your f0ng0r to the tr0gg0r
and J-J-Jam it in!

Len grins, squeezes the trigger, and bombards Nero
with lasers and missiles. Nothing remains of him
and the set.

ARCUEID
Oh yeah! MechWarrior is the shit!

Scene change to outside of J.C. Staff, which half
of is smoldering in ruin. Len walks along and
stares up at Arcueid who is counting the money in
her hand.

ARCUEID
Well that was a bummer. They’ll still keep that anime,
but at least we got some money off of it. You know
what this means?

Len nods her head.

ARCUEID (CONT’D)
That’s right. We got some planes to catch!

Len grins and pounds her fists together.

Scene change to some neighborhood. Len knocks on
the door and a guy answers it.

ARCUEID
Hey. Do you go by the name Esgalia on Beast’s Lair?

ESGALIA
Yep. That’s me.

ARCUEID
Did you ever diss the Tsukihime anime at all?

ESGALIA
Well duh! Not to mention Fate is my personal favorite.

Arcueid and Len exchange glances. Arcueid then
knees Esgalia in the groin, who immediately falls
to the ground. Len leaps on top of him and hits
him repeatedly with a frying pan while Arcueid
continues to stomp him with her foot.

End show. Cue chorus of Nyaa Nyaa Nyaa to the
ending theme.



A special thanks for Alyeris for putting up with me as I parodied the excellent Satsujinki Cooking Diaries. Hopefully it was cooked up and served just the way you hoped[/cooking pun].

[Kratosirving]

Original Poster: Esgalia


Robot Nasu: Trial Version

Change channel.

A police car with sirens blaring has pulled over
Saber on her motorcycle. A policeman dully writes
her a ticket.

POLICEMAN
Sure. Of course you were chasing after a chariot.

Change channel.

A park at night. Shiki and Arcueid are fighting
Nero Chaos. Suddenly a huge crab comes out from
his body. Shiki sees Arcueid get a mischievous
gleam in her eye.

SHIKI
Don’t even-

ARCUEID
Shiki, hit its weak point for massive damage!

SHIKI
-say it.

Change channel.

Kotomine Church. Kirei, who is holding a dagger
behind his back, is facing Bazett.

KOTOMINE
Now close your eyes, stick out your left arm, and get a
surprise.

Change channel.

Park at nighttime. Sion is in hot pursuit of a
fleeing Wallachia, who is laughing like crazy.

SION
Come back and fight, coward!

Suddenly Wallachia turns and transforms. Sion
stops and stares, finally finding herself face to
face with Tatari Archer, who starts posing and
twirling his twin swords all around.

TATARI
What now, bitch? What now? I’ve got the GAR on my
side, oh yeah! You are so done for. I am the bone of
my sword. Steel is my body, and fire is my-

Sion rolls her eyes, pulls out Black Barrel
Replica, and fires, hitting Wallachia in between
his eyes.

Change channel.

Ryougi residence on a rainy night. Shiki has
Mikiya pinned on the ground, knife at his
neck. Dramatic music playing (same as in movie
scene). Suddenly, Shiki snaps to her senses.

RYOUGI
Kokutou. Please, say something. Kokutou.

MIKIYA
You’re... a bitch.

Music rips. Switch to view of street. Knife fx
is heard, and Mikiya’s severed head rolls onto the
street. Seconds later, it is ran over by a truck.

End show. Cue chorus of Nyaa nyaa nyaa to the
ending chant of Robot Chicken.



Original Poster: Esgalia

[Kratosirving]

Original Poster: Esgalia


The time has finally come for the greatest Sacriledge of TYPE-MOON since Faith/Stay Night. Presenting:



Any likeness of any fictional characters is done in a ficticious and parody manner.

Robot Nasu: Episode One

Opening sequence. Replace the chicken with Nasu,
the doctor with Kohaku, and the televisions with
random scenes from TYPE-MOON, and you get the
idea.

Change channel.

Cityscape at night. Roa is leaping from pole to
pole, laughing all the while. Ciel in Executioner
outfit is in close pursuit behind him.

CIEL
You can’t escape from me Roa!

Suddenly a bright sign that reads "Huge Curry
Sale: Today Only" flashes past. Ciel turns in
mid-jump to look at it.

CIEL (CONT’D)
A curry sale?

Ciel flies straight into a pole and comes to a
dead stop, slowly sliding down. Roa stops and
addresses the Living Dead gathering at the bottom
of the pole.

ROA
Alright my minions, just as planned! Have at her.

The moment Ciel reaches the ground, the Living
Dead proceed to beat her with baseball bats,
garbage cans, or even just kicking her.

Change channel.

Park at nighttime. Sion is engaged in battle with
Tatari Arcueid. Sion is tossing her Etherlight
Line all about, preparing her trap.

SION
This Etherlight Line will cover every inch of these
woods. The True Ancestor will have nowhere to go.

Shiki comes running in the distance.

SHIKI
Sion! I’m coming to help!

SION
No- wait, don’t!

Shiki suddenly trips over one of the lines,
causing the whole trap to fall.

Change channel.

Emiya residence. Archer has Shirou pinned against
a wall and is repeatedly punching him in the face.

ARCHER
Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! Stop
hitting yourself! Stop...

Change channel.

Nighttime on a forest road. Irisviel is driving
herself and Saber to Einsbern Castle in a speeding
Mercedes.

IRISVIEL
Oh yes, Saber, this automobile is definitely my
favorite toy that Kiritsugu brought with him.

SABER
A toy, huh...

Farther up the road, Caster watches the
approaching car from cover of the forest.

CASTER
Soon, soon soon! Finally my fair maiden and I shall be
reunited! Oh glorious day!

Seeing that the car is close enough, Caster leaps
out into the middle of the road.

CASTER (CONT’D)
Oh, my dear, sweet, precious, pure Jeanne d’Arc!

Back to the Mercedes.

IRISVIEL
They trained to drive this car perfectly, so there’s
nothing to worry about.

At that point a huge thump shakes the car. A
second later, Caster’s dead body, severed from the
torso up, lands in a bloody mess on the
windshield. Irisviel looses all calm.

IRISVIEL (CONT’D)
AAAAAHHHHHH!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! (etc.)

SABER
Give me the wheel!

Saber tries to gain control of the wheel from
Irisviel, only to result in it being torn out from
the car. Out of control, the car speeds into the
forest.

Meanwhile, three of the Assassins are talking
among themselves in the forest.

ASSASSIN
Alright, I’ll follow Saber, you follow Caster, and you
report back to Kotominie. Hands in the pot, break on
three. One, two, th-

The Mercedes plows over all three Assassins and
slams into a tree, coming to an abrupt
stop. Saber, from her seat, observes the torn
Caster, the ran over Assassins, and an unconscious
Irisviel.

SABER
Huh. Looks like everything worked out after a-

The Mercedes then explodes in a giant fireball.

Change channel.

Matou house. At the dinner table, featuring
Sakura and Zoken.

ZOKEN
Would you like some fried worms, Sakura?

Change channel.

The roof of a skyscraper. Ryougi Shiki has just
finished killing all eight ghosts. Fujyo Kirie
flies away to escape Shiki, but Shiki runs to the
edge of the building and leaps off. She spreads
her arms and legs to gracefully glide through the
air, but then she realizes she’s falling out of
control to the ground.

SHIKI
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Scene change to the office where Touko and Mikiya
are watching Shiki fall on the
televisions. Mikiya winces as Shiki collides on
the road, Touko, who is wearing Morpheous shades,
calmly lights a cigarette.

TOUKO
Relax Mikiya. Nobody makes their first jump.

Change channel.

Tohno mansion in Shiki’s room. Shiki is staring
at Ren in her cat form and unbuckles his pants.

SHIKI
Sigh. A cat is fine too.

REN
<I’m done for.>

Shiki leans in close and grabs hold of Ren. But
just before he can start, a bright white light
floods his room from the window.

SHIKI
What?

The door to his room is kicked open as men in
black holding SMG’s storm his room.

MEN
ASPCA!

The men quickly subdue Shiki and have him cuffed
on the floor. One of the men goes over to Ren and
picks her up.

MAN
Just because she is an animal you assume she has no
rights against sexual assault? You disgust me, young
man.

He then addresses Ren.

MAN (CONT’D)
Don’t worry, kitty, he won’t harm you anymore.

Ren lets out a sigh and transforms back into her
human self. Everyone in the room stops what
they’re doing.

MEN
Oh. Um...

The man drops Ren and the other release Shiki and
help him up.

MAN
Sorry about the misunderstanding sir. Carry on.

The ASPCA Team leaves. Shiki glares lustfully at
Ren, who prepares herself for the worst.

Change channel.

Asagami Fujino, after killing all the gang
members, fumbles around the streets trying to get
home before daybreak.

ASAGAMI
It really, really hurts. I want to cry. Can I cry?

Mato Shinji jumps out in front of her.

SHINJI
Of course! I’ll make you cry hard, baby!

ASAGAMI
BEND!

A colorless distortion appears around Shinji’s
crotch. After squirming for a few seconds, a loud
pop is heard there. Shinji falls to the ground as
he grasps his balls.

SHINJI
FUCK! Oh fuck! Fuck fuck fuck! The fuck you stupid
bitch! Oh fuck!

Another distortion appears over Shinji’s
head. Seconds later his neck snaps and he goes
limp. Asagami continues walking on without a
second glance back.

Change channel.

Kotomine’s office. Kotomine is at his desk
holding up a Bible. Ciel, seated on the other
side on the desk, is in tears.

KOTOMINE
I’m sorry Ceil, but curry bread is still bread. And
you know what the good book says.

Change channel.

Tohno Mansion, kitchen area. Lightning ominously
flashes outside as Kohaku, with a disturbing evil
grin on her face, pulls out a long butcher knife.

KOHAKU
Finally, after years of pain and suffering, my revenge
will be complete. Tonight the Tohno family
dies! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Akiha’s voice can be heard through the shut door.

AKIHA
I suspect the maid.

Kohaku freezes and looks at her uniform.

AKIHA (CONT’D)
In the kitchen.

Kohaku gasps and sees she’s in the kitchen.

AKIHA (CONT’D)
With the knife.

Kohaku moans and stares at the knife she’s
holding. Shaking with fear, Kohaku runs out of
the kitchen and into the living room where Akiha
is.

KOHAKU
I’m sorry, Akiha! I’m sorry! I was just joking,
that’s all! I don’t really want to kill off all the
Tohno’s, really! Please don’t hurt me... huh?

Kohaku then realizes that Akiha, Hisui and Shiki
are not only staring at her with confused looks on
their faces, but were moments ago enjoying a game
of Clue that has been set up on the table.

KOHAKU (CONT’D)
Oh, um, well, uh... crazy huh?

Kohaku realizes she is brandishing the knife in
front of her. She gasps and quickly puts it
behind her.

KOHAKU (CONT’D)
Well, enjoy your game!

Kohaku runs back into the kitchen, leaving the
three in awkward silence. Shiki is first to
speak.

SHIKI
Oh hey! It’s my turn now.

Change channel.

Tosaka Rin stands before Dark Sakura and the many
Shadows that have formed around her. Undeterred,
Rin boldly raises her left arm and aims at Sakura.

RIN
I cast Magic Missile at the darkness.

Change Channel.

City alley. Ryougi Shiki and Nanaya Shiki charge
each other with their knives. The two collide,
both blades hitting each other’s death lines and
disappearing. Both Skiki’s stare at each other.

NANAYA
Now what?

Change channel.


Fukiya city. Gilgamesh laughs in triumph as he
kills Rider.

GILGAMESH
Hahaha! That was easy! Now that only leaves-

At this moment Berserker appears. Gilgamesh
summons his Gate of Babylon.

GILGAMESH (CONT’D)
Him.

Sword rain engulfs Berserker, but he is able to
skillfully grab the Noble Phantasms and then use
them to parry the rest. After a while Gilgamesh
stops the barrage.

GILGAMESH (CONT’D)
That old trick again? Well try and beat this then!

From the gate comes a giant flying machine
resembling a jet fighter. Gilgamesh prepares to
mount it when suddenly Kariya pops out from a
sewer cover in rage.

KARIYA
A jet fighter! Are you shitting me?

GILGAMESH
Oh? Got a problem mongrel?

KARIYA
How the hell do you have possession of a frickin flying
machine?

GILGAMESH
Because I wanted it. Now go get or own, or just let
your Servant steal it for you.

KARIYA
That’s beside the point! If you really are the King of
Heroes, then how do you come across something that
exists thousands of years after you croak?

GILGAMESH
Hmmm... well you see, it was a long time ago...

Scene changes back to Ancient Uruk. Gilgamesh in
king’s attire is seated on his throne, addressing
ten of his kneeling servants.

GILGAMESH
Now I’m suppose to kill one of you, but all of you are
too useful to me, so I have to spare your lives.

All the servants breath a sigh of relief.

GILGAMESH (CONT’D)
But then I thought my ten prized hunting dogs would
starve, so I decided to make you their meal. Thank you
for fulfilling your purpose.

Gilgamesh walks off, chuckling over the noise of
growling dogs devouring the screaming
servants. Suddenly a priest runs up to Gilgamesh.

PRIEST
Majesty! Dire news from the astronomers!

GILGAMESH
Posh! What are the stars doing now in the daytime?

PRIEST
Sire, they’re attacking!

Gilgamesh takes a look outside and his jaw
drops. UFO’s cover the sky of his kingdom. The
ships rain down lasers on the terrified subjects,
burning them to a crisp. One of the UFO’s lands
on the ground and a group of gray aliens come out.

ALIEN A
We have come to take over your planet!
ALIEN B
You have no chance to survive, make your time!

The aliens then take out laser guns and begin
their ground invasion. Laughing and shooting,
they charge the field, only to come face to face
with Gilgamesh.

ALIEN A
Who are you human?

GILGAMESH
I am the king of the whole world. How dare you
mongrels come and wage war against me! None of you
shall leave alive.

Behind Gilgamesh comes a selection of his finest
warriors, each one wielding one of his Noble
Phantasms. They all take positions that resembles
the Gate of Babylon. The aliens all break out in
laughter.

ALIEN B
Stupid humans. We have laser guns! Do you even have
enough swords to defeat us?

Gilgamesh smirks at this and snaps his fingers. A
warrior then chucks the sword he was holding and
the blade runs through Alien B, who falls
dead. All the other aliens gasp.

GILGAMESH
Yes, I do have enough swords.

The other warriors chuck their weapons at the
aliens, who run about in panic only to be pierced
by the blades and spears. Finally Alien A reaches
the top of a hill and summons a UFO, which deploys
the same flying craft that Gilgamesh obtains.

ALIEN A
Alright human! Just try your luck with our latest
fighter!

GILGAMESH
That stupid thing? I have something better.

Gilgamesh pulls out Ea and charges it. Before the
alien can react, he fires it at the UFO, which is
destroyed by the blast. The falling debris buries
Alien A. The fighter is shook loose from the
wreckage and lands right behind Gilgamesh,
crushing all of his warriors who formed the Gate
of Babylon.

GILGAMESH (CONT’D)
Hmmmm. Might as well try it out if it’s here and all.

Cue rock/techno music. Gilgamesh climbs up into
the cockpit, stabs the pilot, then takes off in
the fighter. After trying the controls, he angles
the fighter at one of the UFO’s and fires. The
UFO blows up.

GILGAMESH (CONT’D)
Wheee! This is fun!

Gilgamesh continues flying and shooting down the
UFO’s. One lands on a village, another where his
army is battling the aliens. Finally one lands on
his palace and sets it on fire. Eventually his
whole kingdom is destroyed by the wrecked UFO’s.

Alien A manages to dig out from the
wreckage. Seeing the carnage all around him, he
pounds the ground in anger.

ALIEN A
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

The UFO then explodes, sending him flying through
the air.

Back to the present, Gilgamesh concludes his story
to Berserker and Kariya, who have been sitting and
smoking to pass the time.

GILGAMESH
And that’s how I beat back mankind’s first alien
invasion and destroyed my own kingdom at the same time.
The end.

KARIYA
That’s a bunch of bogus. Like any of that really
happened.

GILGAMESH
You’re right, I lied. But it was long enough to drain
you of the rest of your mana, fool!

Kariya looks at Berserker, who is disappearing and
moaning. Kariya himself falls to the ground
dead. Gilgamesh laughs and walks off.

Later on, Gilgamesh is on the bridge of a UFO,
talking to Alien A and Alien B.

ALIEN A
Good work human. The holy grail is finally ours.

GILGAMESH
As promised?

ALIEN A
Oh right. Bring her in.

An alien brings in a tranquilized Saber who is
resting in a glass container.

ALIEN B
She’ll wake up in a few hours. By the way, will you
return the fighter to us now?

GILGAMESH
Can I keep it please?

ALIEN B
No!

ALIEN A
Don’t forget we’re still holding your kingdom hostage
human.

ALIEN B
And what is this?

Alien B grabs Ea which sparks and moans.

ALIEN B (CONT’D)
You let the charge run down didn’t you!

GILGAMESH
Oh, sorry.

ALIEN B
Do you know how expensive these batteries are? Do it
again and we’ll chop off a limb of your precious
woman. Do you understand me?

Gilgamesh kneels.

GILGAMESH
Yes, master.

End show. Cue chorus of Nyaa nyaa nyaa to ending
chant.





Aaaaaaaaaaaaand currently that's all for now, I'll post more later if/and I can find more.

[ItsaRandomUsername]

It's back with a vengeance!!!

Hmm...maybe I should do the same with a certain fanfic that despearately needs re-posting.

[Garlak]

Holy crap! It liiiiives!

And hey, some of this stuff looks new--the additions by other posters anyway. Why didn't I catch that at Beast's Lair?

Also, which particular portion did Esgalia think was going to get him lynched...?

ZOUKEN (CONT’D)
God Fucking Dammit!

Change Channel

A fast food restaurant. Iskander is standing at
the door, fully dressed save for pants. He
ignores Waver’s ranting and points to the sign on
the door and to himself.

ISKANDER
Have shirt, have shoes, have service. I’m going in.

Iskander walks in, and Waver stays outside,
wincing as dozens of screeches are heard from
inside.

That? That right there? Funny.

Really, all of the Alien scenes have left me with a big smile. "Dammit!" is now a word that makes me smile/laugh whenever I read it.

[Garlak]

Emiya residence. Archer has Shirou pinned against
a wall and is repeatedly punching him in the face.

ARCHER
Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! Stop
hitting yourself! Stop...

Hah. Okay, that right there? Probably my favorite moment of Robot Nasu. Very visual.

Kotomine’s office. Kotomine is at his desk
holding up a Bible. Ciel, seated on the other
side on the desk, is in tears.

KOTOMINE
I’m sorry Ceil, but curry bread is still bread. And
you know what the good book says.

Change channel.

Tohno Mansion, kitchen area. Lightning ominously
flashes outside as Kohaku, with a disturbing evil
grin on her face, pulls out a long butcher knife.

KOHAKU
Finally, after years of pain and suffering, my revenge
will be complete. Tonight the Tohno family
dies! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Akiha’s voice can be heard through the shut door.

AKIHA
I suspect the maid.

Kohaku freezes and looks at her uniform.

AKIHA (CONT’D)
In the kitchen.

Kohaku gasps and sees she’s in the kitchen.

AKIHA (CONT’D)
With the knife.

Kohaku moans and stares at the knife she’s
holding. Shaking with fear, Kohaku runs out of
the kitchen and into the living room where Akiha
is.

KOHAKU
I’m sorry, Akiha! I’m sorry! I was just joking,
that’s all! I don’t really want to kill off all the
Tohno’s, really! Please don’t hurt me... huh?

Kohaku then realizes that Akiha, Hisui and Shiki
are not only staring at her with confused looks on
their faces, but were moments ago enjoying a game
of Clue that has been set up on the table.

KOHAKU (CONT’D)
Oh, um, well, uh... crazy huh?

Kohaku realizes she is brandishing the knife in
front of her. She gasps and quickly puts it
behind her.

KOHAKU (CONT’D)
Well, enjoy your game!

Kohaku runs back into the kitchen, leaving the
three in awkward silence. Shiki is first to
speak.

SHIKI
Oh hey! It’s my turn now.

These two are pretty good two. The ending Gilgamesh one was too. I could see it all in my head, the expressions, the warrios lining up to be Gate of Babylon, the destruction... Yes.

[Kieran]

I'd forgotten how much fun these were - and that I'd even done any! Thanks for the effort, Krato - and thank you, Esgalia, wherever you are.

[Neir]

Archer and 'stop hitting yourself'

Easily my favorite, but I'm glad to see the whole thing back.

[KENTA]

Thank you sir. I missed this fic.

[FcS]

Did anyone manage to contact Esgalia? ;w; I don't think he knows about the move...

Lol, my favorite's gotta be the rapping contest between Gil and Shirou.

[Kratosirving]

Here's the next round everybody!


Original Poster: Inugami


channel change

OLD DUDE WHO GUARDS THE BRIDGE
What is your name?

SABER
"Servant Saber" will be good enough, I trust? *brandishes invisible sword menacingly, and manages a remarkable job of it considering that it doesn't look like she's holding anything*

OLD DUDE
Eh... Good enough. What is your quest?

SABER
To seek the Holy Grail.

OLD DUDE
What is your favorite color?

SABER
Blue.

OLD MAN
You may pass.

SHIROU
What!? That's easy!

OLD MAN
What is your name?

SHIROU
Emiya Shirou.

OLD MAN
That's your adopted name.

SHIROU
Oh, come on! No one knows my original family name, probably not even Nasu!

OLD MAN
Eh, true enough. Fine. What is your quest?

SHIROU
To save everyone I can.

OLD MAN
What is your favorite woman?

SHIROU
*breaks out in sweat*



ENDING 1:

SHIROU
Saber! No, Rin! No, Sakuraaaaaaaaaaaaa (plummets to death, but even as he falls he helplessly cycles through names)



ENDING 2:

SABER
Come now, Shirou. It cannot be that hard a question to answer. Oh, and in case you've forgotten, my Noble Phantasm can still reach you even from this side of the bridge.

OLD MAN
I seem to have given you too difficult a question young man. As a mercy, I will substitute it for a different one.

SHIROU
*whispers fervently* Thank you.

OLD MAN
*quietly* Don't mention it. *loudly* What is your favorite color?

SHIROU
*looks across the bridge at Saber (blue), and then looks behind him. Standing there suddenly are Rin (red), Sakura (violet), Rider (purple), Ilya (white), Taiga (orange), Karen (black?), and Luvia (gold?).

SHIROU (continued)
That's not as easy an answer as you'd think.


channel change



Original Poster: Alyeris


Hijacked Ending 2.1

SHiroU
Uh... My favourite colour is... Is...

*Girls glare at him*

SHiroU
*Gulps* ... Uhh...

OLD MAN
Get a move on or die already.

SHiroU
*Ponders options than gets a bright idea* ... Grey! My favourite colour is grey!

*girls frown*

BERserKER
AOOOOOOOOO?!

SHiroU
*goes pale* Oh.. My... Fu...

[Kratosirving]

Original Poster: Nerroth

*Channel change*


A music video plays, which has a similar, yet different, set of lyrics to this:


I love the Beast's Lair,
It is fun!
Sharing our Type-Moon-ness
With pretty much anyone.

Only at the Beast's Lair
Will you find...
Stories of Tohsaka
*****ing Rodimus Prime!

There's things on Beast's Lair
You should try not to read,
Like blatant self-inserts
Or fics by yours truly.

I love the Beast's Lair,
It is fun!
Just wish I could get
fics' endings done.

Oh, I love Beast's Lair,
Provides us with the best
Endless arguments about
Who can win a fight with Gil,

Newbies getting Le Baiken'd,
Robot mushrooms fresh or canned,
Antics down at the café,
Evo working on Type-A!

Better than what's in RL,
Oh wait, who was this song for?
...it's a crazy JaAm cOPtOR?
This whole song you should ignore!


*Channel change*

[Kratosirving]

Original Poster: Esgalia


Change Channel

Fuyuki City during the Fourth Heaven's Feel. Berserker charges Saber, who effortlessly sidesteps and slices of Berserker's sword arm.

SABER
Victory is mine!

BERSERKER
Tis but a scratch.

SABER
A scratch? Your arm fell off!

BERSERKER
No it didn't.

Saber points to the severed limb.

SABER
Well what's that then?

Berserker looks down on his arm.

BERSERKER
I've had worse.

SABER
You lie!

BERSERKER
Come on, you pansy!

Change Channel

[Kratosirving]

Original Poster: Esgalia


Time to unveil the fruits of selling out!

Back in the day, Santa used to give you coal if you misbehaved. Now he forces you to watch Robot Nasu: The Christmas Special!


Robot Nasu: Christmas Special

Any and actual use of ficticious characters is done in a ficticious and parodic manner.

Opening: the usual except with a heavy Christmas theme in it.

Change Channel

A shopping mall at Christmas. Ryougi Shiki and
Mikiya are leading their daughter Mana through the
crowds of shoppers.

MANA
I wanna see Santa, I wanna see Santa!

MIKIYA
Don’t worry. Daddy tracked down the right people and
we’ll be coming at the right time.

RYOUGI
I still say I should have killed the line.

MIKIYA
Now honey, let’s wait till she’s thirteen before
desensitizing her to viol...

Mikiya trails off as the three of them see a
graphic scene at the Santa display. A few elves
are mutilated and Satsuki is busy mauling the
Santa on duty. Mana’s eyes widen with each wave
of blood that flies out of Santa’s gut.

SANTA
Oh god, oh god, OH GOD!!!

SATSUKI
Silence! I shall devour you and then you’ll become my
living dead. Then I’ll command you to shower Tohno-kun
with gifts that he’ll like, and then he’ll learn I’m
responsible and fall in love with me. And then I’ll
finally have my own route, and it’ll be CANON for
Tsukihime 2...

RYOUGI
Sorry, but Santa only gives miracles to the good boys
and girls.

Satsuki stops and looks up to Ryougi.

SATSUKI
Um... who are you?

Ryougi pulls out her dagger. Her eyes transform
into Mystic Eyes.

RYOUGI
One of Santa’s helpers, and I’m putting you on the
naughty list for ruining Christmas for my daughter.

SATSUKI
Crap! Run!

Satsuki bolts out of the mall with Ryougi giving
close pursuit. Meanwhile Mikiya is trying to
comfort a crying Mana.

Change Channel

Tohno Mansion. Akiha and Hisui are in the living
room.

AKIHA
Hisui, did you make the cookies this year?

HISUI
Yes. Why do you ask?

Akiha glances over her shoulder to a passed out
Santa that is grasping onto a half eaten cookie.

AKIHA
No reason.

Change Channel

Fuyuki city. Ilya is running down the road in
high spirits.

ILYA
Yeah! Christmas time! Time for lots and lots of
snow! Oh so pretty sparkling-

Ilya then notices she is in the middle of a
torrent of yellow snow.

ILYA (CONT’D)
This isn’t right. Snow’s suppose to be white! What’s
wrong with Japanese snow?

Scene change to rooftop. Shinji is peeing onto a
giant pile of snow. He then zips up his pants,
turns on a snowblower, and scatters the pee
drenched snow all over the city.

SHINJI
Huh huh, this is cool... and stuff.

Rider just stands back, muttering to herself.

RIDER
This is what Sakura wants, this is what Sakura wants,
this is-

Change Channel

A hillside. Aoko is wandering around the snowy
ground and comes across a giant evergreen tree.

AOKO
This is it! The perfect tree. I shall have this
decorated for all the world to see.

She sets down her briefcase. At that moment a
young Shiki comes running up to her.

SHIKI
Sensei! Look what I can do!

Shiki runs up to the evergreen and sticks his
knife into it, killing it. Aoko watches horrified
as the mighty tree falls to the ground. Then she
snaps and starts beating the crap out of Shiki.

AOKO
You idiot! That was going to be the Christmas
Tree! It was going to have a star and some beads and
some ornaments and some tinsel and some-

Change Channel

A gazebo by a frozen lake. Caster and Souichirou
are enjoying some expensive wine in flutes made of
ice.

CASTER
I had a lovely time today, Souichirou-sama.

SOUICHIROU
Mmm. It was nice.

Caster oh-so-innocently looks up to the ceiling of
the gazebo.

CASTER
Souichirou-sama. We’re under the mistletoe.

Souichirou looks up at the mistletoe, then back at
Caster who gazes dreamly back at him. Finally he
puts his arms around Caster and pulls her in
close. Caster blushes the closer she comes to his
face. Finally, when their lips are about to
touch-

KID
Take this!

WHAP! A barrage of snowballs pummels Souichirou
and a distraught Caster.

KID
Take that you lovey dovey grownups! Why don’t you play
instead of doing yucky touching stuff like kissing.

Caster loses her cool.

CASTER
You want to play you brats? Well play with these!

Caster summons a legion of skeleton troops who
immediately draw their swords. The kids scream
and run to escape from the pursuing soldiers.

Change Channel

Touko’s office. Mikiya is sitting around due to
lack of work.

MIKIYA
So tell me how you came to hate Aok-

TOUKO
Don’t you DARE say that!

MIKIYA
Uh, I mean- She Who Must Not Be Named.

TOUKO
Oh her? It started on a Christmas long long ago. The
both of us wanted a pony, but our parents only could
afford one. We fought each other over the pony, and
then she killed it, and I’ve sworn to kill her ever
since.

Long silence.

MIKIYA
Okay. And she wants to kill you because?

Touko reaches under her desk and pulls out a giant
rotted skull. She beams, oblivious to Mikiya
gagging.

TOUKO
I stole the head.

Change Channel

Kotomine Church. Caren prepares to address the
congregation.

CAREN
And tonight’s reading comes from the book of Luke, the
Chirstmas-

As she comes to the page, she sees that it’s
missing: ripped out. A sticky note is pasted
there that reads "Needed ammo for Seventh
Scripture- IOU."

CAREN (CONT’D)
That little bitch.

Change Channel

Tohno Mansion. Shiki, Akiha and the maids are
sitting around the living room opening their
gifts.

SHIKI
So what did you get from Santa, Akiha?

Akiha slowly opens a package addressed from Santa
and pulls out a breast enlargement kit. A dead
silence hangs in the room, then Shiki and Kohaku
burst out laughing, unable to hold it in. Akiha’s
hair goes deep red.

Change Channel

Kotomine Church. Saber enters into the empty
chapel.

SABER
Hello? Gilgamesh?

Gilgamesh materializes.

GILGAMESH
Good evening woman. Does your being here mean you have
finally come to your senses?

SABER
I know that we mostly fight each other and don’t see
eye to eye a lot, but it’s the yuletide and all.

GILGAMESH
Ah, of course. A perfect time for our union.

SABER
y-yeah. So, I thought... that...

Saber thrusts a blue package with a bow towards
Gilgamesh.

SABER (CONT’D)
Merry Christmas.

Gilgamesh takes the present.

GILGAMESH
Please tell me it’s that mongrel’s head!

SABER
No, of course not. Well open it up.

GILGAMESH
Fine fine woman. I’m opening it.

Gilgamesh puts his ear to the package and hears a
ticking sound.

GILGAMESH (CONT’D)
Ah! A watch. I own the origin of all watches, but
it’s the thought that counts.

Gilgamesh hastily opens the package and opens it
to find an alarm clock wired to a stick of
dynamite labeled ACME. Looking up in shock he
sees that Saber has already left the room. He
closes his eyes and sighs.

GILGAMESH (CONT’D)
Yes. It’s the thought that counts.

Zooms to outside where an explosion levels the
church. Saber walks home with an uncharacteristic
smirk all over her face.

Change Channel

The hillside. Aoko is still beating on Shiki.

AOKO
-and presents and bells and a nice woolly rug and-

Change Channel

A stage. TYPE-Venus is dressed as an angel and is
bowing to the crowd. She then runs offstage and
runs into the man she freeloads at.

MAN
What are you doing?

VENUS
I’m the angel in the Christmas Pageant. ~Peace on
Earth and goodwill towards men.~

The man looks at her, then at the applauding
crowd, then back at her.

MAN
Am I the only one who sees something disturbingly wrong
here?

Change Channel

An alley. Shinji is hiding from a roaming
Berserker. Ilya is seated on his shoulders and is
taunting Shinji.

ILYA
You’re so disgusting! Peeing on snow! If I don’t find
you, there’s always Santa to deal with! He has his
eyes and will know if you’ve been naughty!

SHINJI
Yeah right. Like he could possible be watching me.

At that moment, True Assassin appears behind him.

TRUE ASSASSIN
You’ve been very naughty.

Before Shinji can act, True Assassin grabs his
head and snaps it before disappearing again.

Scene change to a rooftop. An elf is chewing out
True Assassin.

ELF
Are you frickin’ psychotic!? You’re suppose to watch
the target and mark them good or bad, not rip their
heads clean off their necks! You’re fired!

True Assassin breaks into tears.

TRUE ASSASSIN
I’m the worse elf ever! Now I’ll never get into
Unlimited Codes.

Change Channel

A city square. A whole crowd has gathered in
anticipation of the arrival of Santa. A reporter
covers the scene.

REPORTER
Santa Claus, the great character of Christmas, is due
here at any moment. The crowds are excited and can
barely contain- wait a minute. I hear jingle
bells. He’s here!

The crowd cheers as they see a sleigh pulled by
reindeer coming in to land. Then they realize
it’s coming in at too fast a pace, and promptly
runs over the reporter. It then lands and comes
to a stop, and the crowd finally realizes that
instead of reindeer, eight dark beasts have been
pulling the sleigh. Finally Santa gets off of his
sleigh, but even then the crowd realizes something
is very wrong.

NERO
Ho ho ho. I am Santa.

He receives lukewarm applause.

NERO (CONT’D)
Yeah yeah, I know. Not so jolly as you’d expect, but
hey, anyone would look like this if they did their work
by night.

BOY
You suck!

A yeti jumps out from Nero and savagely devours
the boy.

NERO
Any other stupid questions?

Silence.

NERO (CONT’D)
Good. Now to present to you this year’s hottest toy.

A big cheer rises from the crowd. On cue, Satsuki
leaps out from the sleigh, dressed as an elf, and
brings forward a giant humansize box. Other boxes
of similar size are also brought forward.

SATSUKI
This here people is the toy for all the good boys and
girls this year. So who’s been good this year?

Cheers from the crowd.

SATSUKI (CONT’D)
I mean who’s been really good!?

More cheers.

SATSUKI (CONT’D)
Who’s been so good that they could bend logic and the
laws of physics and obtain the route that they’ve been
long overdue!

Silence. The crowd stares with confused looks.

NERO
I think you overdid it there, dear elf.

SATSUKI
I know. It’s sad.

She shrugs it off, then resumes her cheerful role.

SATSUKI (CONT’D)
Okay then! Enough delay. When the clock strikes
midnight, this gift will be yours!

Finally it sounds midnight and the crowd
cheers. The boxes explode open and a legion of
Mech Husui’s descend upon the crowd.

NERO
Seize them all my legions! Kill all who resist!

The Mechs disperse into the crowd, grabbing hold
of many of the spectators. Soon they are all
rounded up, and a banner has been mysteriously
risen titled "DAA Christmas Party." Dead Apostles
come from all around and start to party and suck
on the captives’ blood.

SATSUKI
That was well done Nero. It was a perfect plan.

NERO
Aye.

SATSUKI
But I’m confused. How’d you manage to prevent the
White Princess from stopping us?

NERO
Simple.

Scene change to somewhere in Ohio. Phantasmoon is
holding a machete and is relentlessly pursuing a
fleeing Esgalia.

ESGALIA
C’mon! Half of Beast’s Lair downloaded the fourth
Rakkyo movie! Why single me out!

PHANTASMOON
Because unlike the others, you announce it for the
whole world to hear.

ESGALIA
I wish I could argue with that!

End show. Cue chorus of Nyaa Nyaa Nyaa to Jingle
Bells.







Scene change to the mall. Sion walks up to Santa
and sits on his lap.

SANTA
And what would you like for Christmas little girl?

SION
I- I would like to be cured from my vampirism.

SANTA
I’m sorry little girl, but Santa can’t grant that.

SION
Just as I feared. It was a 0.00214 percent probability
anyway.

SANTA
Don’t be down. How you like to sit on your grandpa’s
lap instead?

SION
What do you mean sit- wait a second!

Santa’s face starts bleeding at the eyes and
mouth. Santa suddenly grabs Sion tightly then
leaps off his throne and to the floor. When he
lands, he’s completely transformed into Wallachia
and takes off running as the mall guards open fire
on him.

WALLACHIA
Katto Katto Katto Katto Katto Katto Katto Katto Katto
Katto Katto Katto Katto Katto Katto Katto Katto Katto!

[Kratosirving]

Original Poster: Esgalia


Wow. 19 minutes to upload this. I'm getting quicker. ;D

This is exactly the kind of garbage your mother always warned you about that lurks on the internet. In fact, two weeks ago, Roadbuster said "This is bad comedy." To that, I have only this to say:

Comedy?



This is Robot Nasu!

Any and all likeness to fictional characters is done in a ficticious and parodic manner.

Robot Nasu: Episode Three

Intro by now should be self-explanatory.

Change Channel.

An elevator. Shirou is inside and going up to the
roof to meet Saber. Suddenly the elevator stops.

SHIROU
Dammit! Why doesn’t it go all the way to the roof?

ELECTRONIC VOICE
To go to the roof level, Insert f0ng0r over b0tt0n and
JAM IT IN!

SHIROU
Oooohhhhh....

Change Channel.

Tohno mansion grounds. Nero is holding one of his
beasts on the ground while Skiki kneels and looks
at its underside. Suddenly he looks up at Nero.

SHIKI
Wait a minute. Explain to me again why I’m helping you
neuter your beasts?

Nero looks off to the side. Shiki glances over to
see Akiha, Hisui and Kohaku bound, gagged, and
lying helplessly in the open mouth of Nero’s
shark. Shiki sighs and makes a swing with his
knife; the beast yelps.

SHIKI (CONT’D)
Right.

Change Channel.

A golfing green. Kotomine, Lancer and Gilgamesh
are dressed in polo. Kirei takes a shot with his
club, and Lancer lifts the tee flag to let the
ball go in the hole.

LANCER
You’re up Gilgamesh.

Lancer offers his club to Gilgamesh, but he snorts
and shoves it aside.

GILGAMESH
Caddy of Babylon.

Immediately dozens of clubs and drivers emerge
from behind him, decorated in precious metals and
stones. Gilgamesh pulls out an ivory and golden
putter, oblivious to Kirei and Lancer’s faces of
shock, and calmly putts his ball in the hole.

Change Channel.

A field at night. Ciel has formed the Holy Seven
Scripture and is charging Roa and Nero. Nero is
nervous, but Roa is calm.

NERO
Are you sure this is going to work?

ROA
Trust me. I know this failure of a shell more than
anyone.

Silently the two watch as Ciel rapidly closes the
distance between them. Finally, when she is
within ten feet:

ROA (CONT’D)
NOW!

Nero and Roa pull out carrots from their pockets
and chuck them as high as they can into the
sky. Suddenly, the Holy Seven Scripture takes off
into the air after the carrots, with Ciel
desperately holding onto the out of control
weapon.

CIEL
Hey, wait, don’t, STOP!

The Holy Seven Scriptures makes contact with one
of the carrots and explodes on impact. Nero and
Roa laugh and hoot as they watch two forms fall
back down to earth. At the point of impact, Ciel,
covered in bruises and her uniform torn, glares
over at Nanako nearby, who is cuddled up and
nibbling on one of the surviving carrots.

CIEL (CONT’D)
Dammit Seven!

Change Channel.

The Fujyou Building roof. Fujyou Kirie is
standing on the edge of the roof, staring down at
the ground far below.

FUJYOU
I can’t hope for such a spectacular end again. So I’ll
try to come as close-

Suddenly a security guard from the hospital bursts
through the roof door.

SECURITY GUARD
Hey! Nobody escapes on my watch!

Fujyou squeals, but ends up tripping over the edge
and falling, not gracefully as she intended, but
screaming and out of control. To add insult to
injury, she lands, hurt but alive, in a dumpster.

FUJYOU
Like I was saying, I’ll try to come as close to that as
possible.

Fujyou tries to climb out, but then realizes that
not only is she rising in the air, but a warning
siren is blaring. She then sees the dump truck
into which she is dropped into with a whole lot of
other trash.

FUJYOU
OW!

She looks around the dump truck, filled with trash
and walls too high to climb out of. Still, she is
defiant.

FUJYOU (CONT’D)
I swear! My end shall be a long fall from-

Another alarm is sounded, and Fujyou has no option
but to stare wide eyed at the walls of the dump
truck closing in to compress all the garbage
inside.

Scene change to the truck cabin where a faint
scream is heard over the noise of the truck.

COLLECTOR
Hey, did you hear that?

DRIVER
Hear what?

COLLECTOR
Sounded like somebody screaming or such.

DRIVER
C’mon, enough with that. I know you’re new to night
shift, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell a bunch
of lame ghost stories.

COLLECTOR
Yeah, you’re right. What are the odds anyway?

The truck drives off, with a trail of blood
dripping out from the containment area.

Change Channel.

A dark shack. Shirou and Saber are on a bed
trying to have sex. Shriou keeps grunting, and
Saber can only gasp. In the corner, a red *REC
flashes occasionally.

SHIROU
Yes... yes... that’s the way. Gonna... give you
mana... make you strong. You’re going to be one...
badass bitch when I’m done with you-

Suddenly a bell goes off. Shirou and Saber
immediately spring apart from each other. Red
faced, Saber tries to modestly dress herself while
Shirou turns to face the screen and holds out his
hand.

SHIROU (CONT’D)
Alright Tohsaka, twenty minutes as promised. Now hand
over that Phoenix Down!

Change Channel.

Tohno Mansion. Viewed from the ground, Kohaku
suddenly appears on the roof and jumps onto the
handle of her broom. She then leaps off into the
air, but doing so reveals that instead of her
broom, she is sitting on an ordinary mop.

KOHAKU
Oh crap!

Kohaku falls and lands hard in the garden.

Change Channel.

A neighborhood on fire, with the sludge of the
Holy Grail spewing in the background. In this
hell, Kotomine Kirei is pleading with Emiya
Kiritsugu, who has a pistol aimed straight at him.

KOTOMINE
Please, you mustn’t destroy the Holy Grail!

EMIYA
Sorry, pal, but it’s all in the job description. Hero
of justice and all.

KOTOMINE
I can’t allow you to! I need it!

EMIYA
Then I guess you’ll have to die then.

Horrified, Kotomine stares as Kiritsugu pulls the
trigger. A loud shot is heard, but instead of a
bullet coming out, a flag with the word ’BANG’
written on it pops out of the barrel. Kirei
stares in disbelief at this childish prank as
Kiritsugu bends over in laughter.

EMIYA (CONT’D)
Oh my god, I can’t believe you fell for that! Did you
see how big your eyes were? Oh man!

Kiritsugu walks over and helps Kirei up, then
swings his arm around his shoulders.

EMIYA (CONT’D)
Come on man, I’m not that mean. Besides, I wouldn’t
shoot you. No. There’s no way I’d waste these bullets
for something so trivial.

KOTOMINE
Really?

EMIYA
Yeah. Besides, it’s much more funnier to watch people
burn to death instead.

Kiritsugu shoves Kirei into the flames. The
priest immediately catches fire and runs about the
place screaming as he burns to death. Kiritsugu
is bent over laughing again, then sees Saber
standing next to him with a scowl on her face. He
then ceases laughing and straightens up.

EMIYA (CONT’D)
Classic.

Change Channel.

Ryougi’s apartment. Shiki is drinking a bottle of
water. The phone rings, and as soon as she
realizes that Mikiya has not been well, she gasps
and drops the bottle, causing a pool of water to
collect at the base of the phone.

SHIKI
Kokuto!

She rushes for the phone, but when she picks it
up, she receives an electric shock and is knocked
out.

Scene change to a phone booth in the city. Mikiya
hears a small gasp followed by a thud on the other
end.

MIKIYA
Uh, Shiki?

All he hears is a busy tone.

Change Channel.

The golf course. Lancer is confronting Gilgamesh.

LANCER
Do you have enough clubs, King of Tees?

GILGAMESH
Enough to turn you into a fucking pin cushion!

Hundreds of clubs appear in his Caddy of Babylon
and shoot out. They piece Lancer from every
angle, and he falls over dead.

Change Channel.

City street. Mech Hisui is carrying a bag of auto
parts in one hand while holding onto Mech
Toddler’s hand with the other. The two walk
together until suddenly a series of clanks are
heard. Mech Hisui drops the bag of auto parts as
she sees the robot humping a vending machine. The
robot sees Mech Hisui and advances, thrusting its
hips all the way. Mech Hisui then pulls out a
taser from one of her compartments, except the
electrode is replaced with a magnet. The robot
immediately stops, and with a horrified
expression, waves his arms as he slowly backs
up. Mech Hisui pulls the trigger and the magnet
shoots out and attaches to the robot’s
chassis. Electric waves crawl all over the robot
and short circuits him. The robot shuts down and
falls over, and Mech Hisui leads Mech Toddler
away.

Change Channel.

A hill. A young Shiki charges the lone tree on
the hill and slashes at it, killing it. He then
beams and turns to face Aoko Aozaki, who
immediately slaps him.

AOZAKI
Shiki, you just did something reckless and
terrible. That tree was a living being!

SHIKI
So? It’s not like hundreds get chopped down every day.

AOZAKI
Be that way boy. But if you can’t admit you made a
mistake and live up to it, then you’ll have to live
with the consequences.

At that moment, a giant tree comes walking in the
distance and slowly approaches Skiki.

ENT
You killed my brother!

SHIKI
Holy shit! What the hell is that?

AOZAKI
That’s an Ent, and yes, you’re pretty much fucked.

ENT
I am not just an Ent, my name is Tree-

Shiki cuts along the lines and kills him as
well. At that moment another Ent comes into
sight.

ENT 2
You killed my cousin! I shall avenge him with my tree
fu skills!

Shiki cuts Ent 2 as well. This causes another Ent
to approach Shiki as well.

ENT 3
You killed my uncle!

AOZAKI
This could take a while.

Scene change to a courtroom eight years in the
future. Shiki is seated behind the defendant
table and a whole room filled with various trees
have come to see his trial. In the corner, the
spirit Martel emerges from the Great Kharlon Tree
acting as the guard.

MARTEL
All rise for the Honorable Great Deku Tree.

All the trees in the court raise their branches as
high as they can go. Behind the judge’s podium
appears the Great Deku Tree.

DEKU TREE
Alright, we’re going to make this quick since I haven’t
been feeling well ever since I got that curse. I swear
that Gannondorf entered me one too many times.

Murmurs go out through the crowds.

DEKU TREE (CONT’D)
Oh crap! Did my mike pick that up? Anyway, abridged
trial today. Tohno Shiki stands accused of genocide
against the entire Ent race.

SHIKI
Hold on a second! They attacked me-

DEKU TREE
Quiet. Prosecution, go.

From the Prosecution desk, a Sudowoodo rises.

SUDOWOODO
Sudo. Sudo sudo. Woo. Woodo woo
sudo. Sudowoodo. Su su woo do. Do woodo do su woo
dowoo. Sudowoodo su su. Woodo su. Su su su su sudo
su su woodo do su su. Sudowoodo.

Sudowoodo sits back down to thunderous applause
from the tree audience. Shiki jumps up once more.

SHIKI
Hey! Did anyone actually comprehend any of that?

The Kharlon Tree strikes out and pins Shiki down.

MARTEL
Contempt of court!

DEKU TREE
Duly noted. Defense, go.

From the defense desk, Whispy Woods rises.

WHISPY WOODS
Well Your Honor, those Ents always thought they were
high and mighty, better than the rest of us. It’s not
like it’s a big loss-

DEKU TREE
Boring. Defendant is guilty, death penalty,
dismissed. Now someone find that boy and tell him he
needs to enter me and fight a curse.

The Whomping Willow enters and restrains Shiki
before leading him out.

Scene change to a lumber mill. Shiki is bound and
blindfolded and is on a platform raised above a
giant mulcher. He can hear the loud whine of the
spinning blades. One of the Fighting Trees from
The Wizard of Oz reads the charge.

FIGHTING TREE
Blah, blah, blah, and may you rot in Compost Hell. Now
into the mulcher!

He goes to push Shiki in, but then Grandmother
Willow appears.

WILLOW
Wait!

Fighting Tree stops.

FIGHTING TREE
Oh what now, old hag? I’ve no time for your hippy
paint with all the colors bullshit. I’ve got someone
to slice and dice here.

WILLOW
Listen to me! True he killed off all the Ents, but
this boy was a victim. It’s the corporations and their
lumberjacks that are the real murderers. They want the
trees to go to make room for their highways and
such. This boy only killed the Ents because they were
intruding his peace zone with hate, and hate isn’t what
the world needs. So please let him go, and fight
against the corporations.

FIGHTING TREE
Fine, but only because I can’t stand to hear you
monologue. Well kid, you’re free to go.

Shiki breathes a sigh of relief as his blindfold
is undone. Then to his horror, he sees Akiha
charging at him.

AKIHA
No! I refuse to live without ni-san. I’ll die with
him.

SHIKI
Akiha, wait!

Ahika collides into Shiki and the two of them fall
over the edge into the mulcher. The Fighting
Trees and Grandmother Willow stare in shock and
awe as the two Tohnos scream and are sliced to
death.

Scene change to a bar where Aozaki and Zelretch
are enjoying some beers. Aozaki is in hysterics
and has beer coming out of her nose as she
concludes her story.

AOZAKI
And when they came out, their flesh had been reformed
into something like waffle batter!

ZELRETCH
You are one sick woman.

End show. Cue chorus of Nyaa nyaa nyaa to ending
theme song.



A stage. Medea and Assassin are sitting around.

MEDEA
Nothing again, huh?

ASSASSIN
Yeah. Apparently that dick wad Esgalia didn’t think
we’d be funny enough for a show.

MEDEA
That bastard.

ASSASSIN
Speaking of which, we finally solved our curtain
problem.

MEDEA
Really?

ASSASSIN
Yep. Got the new counterweight today.

Assassin goes over and pulls the curtain to reveal
Shinji tied by the neck to the ropes of that
control the curtains.

ASSASSIN (CONT’D)
He’s perfect, see?

Assassin lets the rope go. Shinji chokes as he
flies into the air and the curtain falls perfectly
onto the stage.


Slight note about this one. This one had a small skit that involved a little bit of freedom with Pata Hikari's fanfic Endless Dream, but according to a post on the same page, it was supposed to be burned, so I've done it here as well. Also, with this one I'll stop for now as well, so enjoy!

[Pata Hikari]

Was I the one who said the burning part?

Because that was a joke. Poast it nao.

[Kratosirving]

Was I the one who said the burning part?

Because that was a joke. Poast it nao.

As you wish.


Original Poster: Esgalia


Change Channel.

Matou house. Zouken faces off against Caster
(Rin) who has her sword against an emo-looking
Shinji’s neck. Her face is completely horrified
at what she just heard.

CASTER
So you’ll turn Sakura into THAT if she disobeys you?

ZOUKEN
Without a second thought.

Zouken smiles at the sight of Rin’s tears.

CASTER
And to think we were so close to escaping.

SHINJI
O what a cruel and harsh world-


CASTER
Shut up.

ZOUKEN
I’ll allow Sakura to sta at the Emiya
residence. However, I would ponder your actions from
here on out, my dear Caster. If you do so much as dare
think to move against me, let alone kill my worthless,
stupid emo grandson, I’ll turn Sakura into that
monster.

Rin suddenly beams.

CASTER
Oh, then why didn’t you say so?

Rin slits Shinji’s throat, who flails and gurgles
blood all over the floor. Zouken’s smile becomes
tainted with hate and evil.

ZOUKEN
Just remember Caster, you brought this upon your
master, not me.

CASTER
The joke’s on you slimeball.

A loud roar is heard nearby.

CASTER (CONT’D)
I lied. Sakura was here this whole time.

Dark Sakura bursts out of her room and ensnares
Zouken with her shadows, who proceed to devour his
flesh.

ZOUKEN
You son of a bitch!

Zouken is completely devoured. At that moment,
Shirou leaps out from a closet and stabs Sakura
with Rule Breaker. Her dark form fades as she
falls unconscious into Shirou’s arms.

CASTER
Don’t worry, she’ll be fine.

SHIROU
I know. I’m taking Sakura to my home.

CASTER
Go ahead.

Suddenly she realizes that Shinji is missing.

CASTER (CONT’D)
By the way, what happened to that lousy piece of shit?

Scene change to park. Saber, Archer, Lancer and
Rider are gorging on food as they watch Berserker
use Shinji, held by his legs, as a club. Every
time Shinji hits something, he moans ’Angst.’

LANCER
Uh, you think we should stop him now?

ARCHER
Hmm...

RIDER
Well...

Saber lets out a huge belch at this point. All
four of them laugh as Berserker continues swinging
Shinji around.

Change Channel.