Fanfic Contest 2016: Judging Thread

[Milbunk]

The title is self explanatory all judging will be put in this thread. I will also be linking the judging posts as they pop up to keep things simple.

The judging itself is as follows:

• Artistry (30 Points): Everything that contributes to the enjoyment of the story. How did a fic make a judge feel? Emotional impact. Flow. Beautiful language. Engagement. In the case of lemons, how hot the pairing and events are. Does the fic connect with readers? Remember, a story is more than just a piece of technical writing!
• Characterization (25 Points): Faithfulness to the source material (accounting for OCs/AUs). Accuracy in character mannerisms, thoughts, and speech. Realistic reactions to a given situation. Essentially, is this really a Type-Moon fanfic, or just a story with characters named the same? Would the characters have plausibly acted as they did in these circumstances? Do the rules of the world actually work? For Original Characters and AUs, do they make sense? Do they blend in seamlessly with regular Nasuverse characters/concepts?
• Setting (20 Points): Are you going to set it in tried-and-true Nasuverse places, or are you going to put it somewhere new? How believable is your depiction? How well does the location feel like it fits into the Nasuverse? Does it feel like it's connected to his world, or does it feel like it's just existing?
• Technical (15 Points): This is basically how good your grammar and punctuation are, and if you can follow the rules of the language. Clean (understandable!) sentences, well-structured paragraphs, and clear writing will all help your score here. Most people should get a pretty high score in this as long as you make sure to have your fics read through and checked for errors.
• Uniqueness (10 Points): What sets your fic apart from the rest of the pack (or general TM fanfiction)? Plot, character focus, a future world, a certain je ne sais quoi... what did you dare to attempt? Did it make the fic better... or worse?

[ItsaRandomUsername]

REVIEWS FROM Z-A:
by IRUn

True Apocrypha



Artistry:
A story about camaraderie, trust, and also faith and failure. These themes are initially brought up in the background in this tale of Sion Eltnam and Riesbyfe Strideberg's nights-long, ill-fated operation against TATARI, and as the story comes to a head these themes are likewise brought to the fore. There's also no shortage of action in this 'fic -- it easily boasts the most out of any entry in this contest. Our protagonists are always getting into tousles with some supernatural horror, are rewarded an interlude after the combat, and then thrown back into the fray the next night. It mirrors Melty Blood's own story progression, and solidifies coherence and atmosphere between the original and the derivative work. Though, if the original is a fighting game, I'd personally say that True Apocrypha could be likened to more of a beat 'em up, on account of the escalating volume of clobberable mooks. There's also a ton of detail to be found (ironically, little of which can be blamed on the narrative focusing on a Sion viewpoint and the overcalculations that come with her superpower). Maybe even a little too much detail. Some of it reads fairly dry and matter-of-fact; not as emotionally visceral as it could be, but it does get the job done, and the result is still undeniably readable.
24/30

+

Characterization:
Since the bearer of the curse manifested mostly as an OC/local legend, the only real Type-MOON characters are Sion and Ries and it's their interactions that hold the story up when the sparks aren't flying and the bodies aren't hitting the rural cobbled streets. They grow fairly close fairly quickly, a testament to the solidity of the "relationships forged in the fire of battle" storytelling trope and its relevance here. Anecdotes such as Ries being sketched out by the possibility that Sion would shoot at her if it meant carrying out a daring plan, or cockily taking a break together on the side of a well where they had previously fought a monster the night before using the logic "We already killed it, so here's the safest place to be!" were pleasant exchanges that brought them closer. At the end of it all, Sion was still calculating, but slightly more reckless more it, and knows that her life as she knows it is over and that she'll need to take measures to ensure her longevity once those changes were brought on by exposure to the curse, and Ries was, well, chomped but at peace for the duration of it. As for The Night of Wallachia's, his form was cookie cutter child of the corn, and rather on the flat side. Mind you, I didn't expect an extensively in-depth backstory and complex personality, full of twisted motivations that ran in line with a corrupted internal logic, but it wouldn't have hurt to expand upon the little guy a little more, have more fun with the vampire/demon angle. Still, the true identity of the rumor's ultimate form was a solid twist, albeit one that the characters (and the narrative, by extension) hadn't the need or luxury to dwell on. The grand number of beasts he had at his disposal was very NRVNQSR, and I liked how this not only referenced the Beast's Lair on an individual level, but also how NRVNQSR is one of the forms that Wally shows up in when he goes on his Magical Mystery Rumor Tour to Misaki. It's in a small way, but it echoes/foreshadows things to come in Melty Blood, furthering solidifying the connections between TA and its source material. There's also a very brief side character by the name of Father Idoni, who is generic and inoffensive and only serves to act as the middleman to introduce Sion and Ries to each other.
19/25

+

Setting:
A simple Italian village, as per the lore. Authentic enough, but not a lot of detail is devoted to realizing Solociano. There's a well that serves as the focal for the first night, where the proverbial Level 1 boss is fought, and a local church where the protagonists have their safehouse and spend the day in strategizing, and the more heated battles had enemies on the roofs and spilling out of alleyways, but by and large it was unremarkable. Little more than a stage, really, but that's to be expected since small towns usually tend to be boring and, well, small, so there's not a lot to do here when the story is so focused on vampire hunting and little else. That said, extra points to you for setting the story during a somewhat sparsely-detailed past event and expanding on it.
17/20

+

Technical:
Virtually typo-free, competently written, and coherent. Full marks on this count, and little more needs to be said about it.
15/15

+

Uniqueness:
The failed operation against the TATARI meant that the narrative was bound to a foregone conclusion. This wasn't necessarily a limit, though, and the author interpretting the work for their own take, working in a little Mediterranean folklore for extra variety, that good old spice of life, was an appreciated touch. Was also the only Tsuki/Melty entry in the contest, and utilized less in-vogue characters such as Sion and Riesbyfe to decent effect. I can only recall one other riff on this scenario, and that one was affected so much by previous events in that particular 'fic's plot that it was nothing like what we got here.
7/10

_________

82/100

[ItsaRandomUsername]

REVIEWS FROM Z-A
by IRUn

Sigma Zero
___________


Artistry:
The dichotomy of life as a medic in a war zone vs. being a school nurse contrast sharply. Same goes for the dichotomy of the Earth's harshness of reality vs. the Moon Cell's dreamlike unreality, which comes out swinging its existential mitts for the duration of the story's stay. What ultimately ties these contrasts together is the notion of war's pervasiveness, how violent conflict alters the lives of others virtually (har har computer jokes) everywhere. Pre-destination/Fate/Kismet/What-Have-You is also a strong factor here, with figures from Twice's past and future cropping up in-fic as characters or cameo appearances (and a decentl little twist with the connection one of them has with his past and present) which further hammers home the quality of anticipation and inescapability that Sigma Zero possesses. The story feels like a real countdown to Fate/EXTRA's happening.
25/30

+

Characterization:
Working on the wounded in either an office or a tent, Twice is compelled to do his best to help heal others. When his digital life is turned upside-down, he sallies forth to get to the heart of the matter, even with his personhood in question. He's quietly proactive and reactive, portrayed as independent and motive-driven in a way that believably forecasts his actions in this work. The plethora of supporting characters, named and unnamed alike, while not complex and rounded, help flesh out the two worlds that Twice lives in. The rival-type character and their Servant who basically awaken Twice, acting as the Lancer to his Shirou, feel rather arbitrary and one-off, like they're meant to be part of something bigger in an extended work but as it stands now Sigma Zero is just a oneshot, so if anything they come off as a tad convenient, sans one little detail that'll be addressed later. Lastly, Tamamo was suitably bubbly and outgoing. Nothing wrong on that end.
22/25

+

Setting:
War-torn /EXTRA-Earth has many living, fighting, and dying on it. Contrast this with the Moon Cell, where everything reeks of fabricated halcyon days. These two worlds feel sufficiently realized enough to distinguish from each other and let a reader know when and where each scene takes place. Nice touch personalizing the landscape Twice enters to acquire his Servant and become formally accepted into the moon's Holy Grail War.
20/20

+

Technical:
A few minor typos here and there, nothing to seriously hamper the flow of reading for this particular judge.
14/15

+

Uniqueness:
Was that Mordred? It felt like Mordred. Is that a veiled reference to Savior, or is it purely coincidental? Yes, this is the previously mentioned detail I referred to. Anyways, it's not the first Twice-centric prequel I'm aware of, but this one takes his story right to the beginning, which begs comparison and contrast with the origin story of Fate/EXTRA's usual protagonist, cyber ghost to cyber ghost.
7/10

___________
88/100

[ItsaRandomUsername]

REVIEWS FROM Z-A
by IRUn

PSEUDOMONARCHIA
_____________________


Artistry:
Tons of cryptic phrase, all referencing something that has happened in the Nasuverse's extensive history. It's weird how poem-like it looks, and it even has smatterings of lyrical quality. Still feels like a sequence Shiki would have when going crazy, or Shirou being doused in Angra Mainyu love juice.
7/30

+

Characterization:
What characters?
0/25

+

Setting:
It's Chaldea, and that's it. Technically if you wanna get meta I suppose it encompasses the entire fabric of the universe/Nasuverse. It's both a token/less-than-token effort and a stab at DEEP THOUGHT.
5/20

+

Technical:
The one category I can say with certainty that you aced. If only because it was so short.
15/15

+

Uniqueness:
I still don't really know how to quantify scores for something like this. It's basically a scavenger hunt for lorehounds, so if you've got extensive knowledge of Type-MOON works and feel up to playing Where's Waldo I guess this is for you. It feels like it wants to be avant garde, or be accompanied by a visual sequence with graphics complementary to each line of text. Visual readers might have an experience visualizing what each string of text represents, but it doesn't have much long term staying power.
6/10

____________
33/100
a.k.a
☆/100

[ItsaRandomUsername]

REVIEWS FROM Z-A
by IRUn

Moon's Corral
______________


Artistry:
In a word: beautiful. In two words: fantasy-like. In three words: a modern fantasy. One could effectively describe this as a Tsuki no Sango spinoff, an alternative take on the scenario that also serves to link multiple aspects of the Nasuverse together. Boy, does this one ooze with atmosphere. It genuinely feels like it could be a Type-MOON IP, it's got that certain je ne sais quoi -- multiple first-person viewpoints, deeply-ingrained with a clash of philosphies presented alongside supernatural battles and wrapped up in a package of bittersweetness, along with certain turn of phrases that emulate Kinoko Nasu's style. Funny enough, but the thing with the suitors all competing amongst themselves weirdly reminded me of Scott Pilgrim, but with a metric ton of more in-fighting amongst the "boyfriends." All in all, it feels authentic enough that if it were to be translated into Japanese we could probably trick more than a few people into thinking its legitimate.
30/30

+

Characterization:
Taking their designs, base character concepts from the page in the manga with the suitors being tasked by the heroine with impossible fetch-quests, those throwaway characters are given center stage, imagined -- as it is to be eventually revealed -- that they have much more in common than simply wishing to have her hand in marriage. Each one is one of the last Dead Apostles in existence on the stagnating, dying Earth that TsS/Moon's Corral setting is, each one sans one carrying a fragment of True Magic, each ability that each character has relates directly to their personality or motivation, and each wants to obtain the Coral Princess not for reasons of their own. As to the superpowered infighting that ensues, it's quite imaginative, with each fragment of magic being utilized in a creative and fitting manner consistent with its wielder's personality and ideals. Good stuff all around. On an aside, I was especially tickled by the Josuke Higashitaka-esque reaction Fird had to his hair being shittalked. A little detail like that was not only funny, but the type to be pop culturally derivative enough of a reference to sneak its way into a TM work, which, as previously mentioned, Moon's Corral does to great effect.
25/25

+

Setting:
The pessimistic, stagnant world of Tsuki no Sango going on to Notes' very own Land of Steel, replete with the Six Sisters housed in city-states ruled over by vampire overlords, is unique enough of a setting for any piece of TM fanfiction. Don't know if there were any before now, and I don't know if there'll be any after this. As to the setting for this story itself, a dead rainforest in South America serves as the showdown for the suitors, a flashback scene taking place in a science-fiction staple chambery Girl-Aquarium place, and then a valley carved into the landscape by the events that happen on-screen, not an awful lot of detail is given besides scene-setting, but the ideas and presentation of everything else is so capable that that doesn't matter whatsoever.
20/20

+

Technical:
But a minor typo here and there, don't worry about it. Sometimes it's easy to get lost when characters are speaking, especially since they're all OCs and fleshed-out in their own right, and indicators directly, well, indicating who is currently speaking are non-existent outside of physical or emotional cues given by the speaker. It lends a sense of dynamism and snappy conversational flow, yes, but without something like, say, a sprite -- were this a visual novel -- it's slightly hard to follow along without re-reading passages to get a feeling for who is doing what. Still, wee little blemishes like that are not enough to seriously damper this score.
14/15

+

Uniqueness:
It was almost a little TOO unique, in that I had to make notes on who was what character, which power they had, what their charge was. With that little graph on hand (re: just some colored type directly printed out onto an image of that page from the manga) I was able to follow much more easily, and got much more enjoyment bang out of my buck. Anyway, this was a true gem and treat to read, inspired and inspirational alike, and will surely be remembered down the line as one of the greats of the Beast's Lair Fanfiction Contests. Great job, author. Really.
10/10

___________
99/100

[ItsaRandomUsername]

REVIEWS FROM Z-A
by IRUn

I'LL MURDER YOUR CAT
_______________________


Artistry:
Typically/archetypically hardboiled, with a POV of a mundane detective who has been working with Shirou Emiya, who has been active in the Hero of Justice circuit for an unspecified amount of time post-F/sn, and their case against a superpowered killer. It does little remarkable, sans being VERY SELF AWARE towards the end, winking and grinning at us with a coy smile, going "That's all folks, live and let live." A trollfic, surely, but with a certain amount of quality to it to make it so that it doesn't feel like too much of a waste of time in spite of that.
15/30

+

Characterization:
Shirou's partner is a regular Sam Spade type, lifted straight from the pulps with little transition from the differing atmospheres. Typical, but not a BAD archetype, per se. Rowan being already in-the-know about Shirou being a magus and having powers is actually a refreshing change from the standard and pervasive idea of a muggle being exposed to the moonlit world. Shirou is fairly standard, recognizable enough as Shirou but not in a way that especially merits praise, not going above and beyond the call the way it does. As for our murderer, Terumi, he's basically a bare-bones cameo from BlazBlue and, well, sure, I can buy that. Whatever, man.
15/25

+

Setting:
We could be in Buttfuck, Anycountry. It doesn't make a difference. Nothing whatsoever about this screams THIS IS TYPE-MOON OKAY JACK, except for a little of Shirou being a magus and Unlimited Blade Works being used. So, for that...1 point, I guess, but that's being awful generous for this.
1/20

+

Technical:
I begrudgingly rate this highly, though it wounds me to do so. You can sure write adequately, whoever you are.
14/15

+

Uniqueness:
I'd give you higher marks than this but this actually isn't the only 'fic in this contest that comes with a side of BlazBlue memes, so I can't even score this that highly because of that. This also isn't the first intentionally half-baked entry we've gotten for a contest either, so that's more points of originality lost to the aether. A brownie-point awarded for the Funniest Name in the Contest, though.
6/10

___________
50/100

[ItsaRandomUsername]

REVIEWS FROM Z-A
by IRUn

Hands.
________


Artistry:
Sort of reminds me of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya novels and Kyon's own ambiguous narration/dialogue, only not as vague as to which phrases are introspective and which are spoken aloud. Which, I suppose, is rather authentic to the English-translated Fate/EXTRA experience, only here it comes off even rougher. Supportive and mentorial Nero may be of Hakuno, the narrative method of a series of conversations held re: each week's new enemy doesn't particularly break any new ground.
15/30

+

Characterization:
Nero is, again, supportive and mentorial, there to be a bulwark of reliability for Hakuno, and Hakuno's...there, I guess, so that's accurate enough, I'd wager.
13/25

+

Setting:
Well, an informed guess and understanding of the context lets one KNOW it's the Moon Cell, but very little thought is given in the story proper to really ground the tale it tells.
10/20

+

Technical:
Commas are a writer's best friend. Because "Your hands are shaking praetor" means that someone's shaking a praetor, "Let's go Saber" is a verb, and "Have you resolved yourself praetor?" sounds like a very curious verbal tic. Near the end the comas do indeed start to show up, making the flow read like an actual conversation, but it's still enough to dock points.
9/15

+

Uniqueness:
It's really just a remix of things that happen in the game that anyone who plays through the Saber route will see, a transition from one medium to another. Because of that, I can't really rank it that highly in this aspect. Like, at all.
0/10

_________
47/100

[ItsaRandomUsername]

REVIEWS FROM Z-A
by IRUn

Disorder
_________


Artistry:
If this story were any more self-aware I swear it'd want me to fork over money for quartz. If the memes were any spicier, any danker, I'd fall into a kush koma. As a connoisseur of in-jokes and a Stockholm Syndrome sufferer of Fate/Grand Order, especially when its in-between campaigns, God what a boring-ass game, I felt a deep connection with this story and its rather Carnival Phantasm buildup and portrayal of everything - C H A L D E A - . It's dopey and kinda fun, and for that deserves at least some credit.
20/30

+

Characterization:
There are no brakes on the silly train. Except at the start, which had Merlin for some reason, and even then there was a snide undercurrent to be found. Everyone's got their dials firmly turned to Funny Mode here, come Hell or high water, and to Disorder's credit it manages to ride that momentum of ludicrosity all the way to the end. Part of me wishes that even more of the especially outlandish Servants could've shown up and be active forces during the events of this largely pointless incident, but eh, there were still gags aplenty to be had. All in all, humor being as subjective as it is, I felt it was, by and large, decent, even though some of the jokes felt like they were written with a scripted format in mind on account of timing and delivery.
20/25

+

Setting:
- C H A L D E A -'s halls, cafeteria, Gudao's bedroom, a fantasy castle dreamscape (which gave me inordinate hopes that something fascinating and whimsical was going to be attempted, but hey, hot and fresh memes are okay too), and a fancy-schmancy ascended Grail storeroom. At least more than a cursory effort was made, but since the focus of the story is on the jokes and little else the stages our comedians perform on is quite threadbare on the whole.
15/20

+

Technical:
Congratulations, I can read your fanfic unimpededly. It's pretty squeaky clean overall, with only a few grease spots here and there.
14/15

+

Uniqueness:
Jokes aside, I don't mind the author's choice of scene break. F/GO is just ripe for goofy fanfiction anyways, so I'm not surprised or bothered by the author's decision to do it the way they did.
8/10

__________
77/100

[ItsaRandomUsername]

REVIEWS FROM Z-A
by IRUn

Defibrillator
____________


Artistry:
Nikola Tesla. Scathach. They might be on the same side, but that doesn't mean they have to agree with each other. Or like each other. Mutual sexual tension forged in the fires of battle, doused in competition? Now that's totally on the table! There's not much to this "They fight"/"Will they or won't they" story, seeing as it's mostly a vehicle for a silly, pervasive joke that Scathach's the sort of woman to get turned on by erotic electrostimulation. Additonally, smatterings of standout fancy descriptors keep the prose from feeling too dry, attempting to impart a sense of the grandoise into Tesla and Scathach's battle.
20/30

+

Characterization:
Tesla's bombastic by default, and a bit of a cherry boy when faced with matters lewd. Scathach is inquisitive, pushy, and, uhhhhhhhhhh, excitable. It's rather solid, setting up a clash of personalities that could go in just about any direction, which lended itself to the delivery of the punchline.
23/25

+

Setting:
Just a large room underground in Chaldea, suitable for (what we can presume are) science experiements and spontaneous bouts between high-powered demi humans. Not much to it.
10/20

+

Technical:
Aside from the occasional wording decision, by and large it is competently written, and little more need be said on that.
14.5/15

+

Uniqueness:
My hopes were lifted that we might get to see some crack pairing mclovin' and instead we got this little lime thing which goes the Senran Kagura strip-the-enemy-with-your-powerful-attacks direction on us. It'll do for now, I guess. Scathach x Tesla is an unconventional ship, with most people gravitating towards the obvious Scathach x Cu Teacher/Student fantasy, so a few points for that are in order. I could see this scenario being used for more, but what we've got now ends on a comically satisfying note, even if other things are left not quite so satisfied.
9/10

___________
76.5/100

[ItsaRandomUsername]

REVIEWS FROM Z-A
by IRUn

Build a City and Call it Babylon
___________________________


Artistry:
Thoughtful, descriptive, and relaxing, this one's a tasteful (i.e. worksafe) rendering of Gilgamesh and Enkidu's first night together as companions and lovers. This one is quite beautifully written, rather tender. Everything flows smoothly and deliberately, and that's very much appreciated.
30/30

+

Characterization:
In the half which exclusively has Gil and Enkidu together, they come across as very serene and comfortable with each other. There was this tangible sense of completeness. In the second half, Gil comes across as still, rather subdued and not as forceful as he probably would be after his quest, but it's definitely serviceable.
24/25

+

Setting:
Gil's bedroom, pre-Quest, and then just outside of Uruk, post-Quest. Gil's bedroom feels very tangible and inviting. It was, I don't want to say 'steamy,' but still quite so very warm of an atmosphere. It certainly made Gil and Enkidu's interactions feel intimate and genuine. The outisde is decidedly less important, almost anecdotal.
19/20

+

Technical:
Nothing that would trouble a reader much. Like the rest of the story it retains that polish, and that's a good thing. The more I write the more this becomes filler, so let's press on.
15/15

+

Uniqueness:
The first half is so good, so complete that it feels like the second half honestly feels pretty superfluous. It could have ended with Gil and Enkidu and it feels like it could've been fine like that, with no want for anything else. Bit of a shame that I, personally, can't give this one full marks, but hey this one was still a pleasure to read, so thank you for that.
8/10

_________
96/100

[alfheimwanderer]

Disorder

Artistry: Disorder is in a word, disjointed. A series of disconnected in-jokes strung together in a pathetic attempt at writing some coherent whole. There's no sense of where the characters are, why they're doing what they're doing, or even any consistency whatsoever. The cuts happened in strange places, cutting away from the meat of the action, and the section headers of - C H A L D E A - are possibly the most annoying thing I've seen in a story in a long time. Still, I'll be generous, and not penalize you for anything other 1 point off for each use of - C H A L D E A -, as your score would otherwise be zero. 4/30

Characterization: The characterization here is absurd and strains belief - I would call it the worst type of exaggerated rubbish that the worst parts of the fandom engages in except that I realized a few pages in that the exaggeration was done on purpose, for the purpose of humor. In some ways, I think that the lack of distinct categories here hurt things, given that if I had been prepared for it, I might not have reacted as badly. Still, the disjointedness between the more serious Merlin appearance and the babble about Jeanne Alter resulting from the loss of a braid of hair is...jarring, to say the least. I suppose aside from that, it managed to be consistent in its exaggeration, even if the delivery of the jokes strained my credibility. 17/25

Setting: A threadbare effort, with nothing remarkable except for the fantasy castle dreamscape of the beginning. Aside from the matter of the meeting with Merlin, the fic could have happened anywhere. There's nothing that fixes it in time and space as anything other than just "Generic Area A." What makes it Chaldea, rather than anywhere else? The name dropping certainly doesn't. Still, I suppose it could fit into the Nasuverse, so I can't zero points here. 10/20

Technical: I suppose I don't have much to complain about here. A few things here and there, but that's everyone. 14/15

Uniqueness: A collection of recycled memes hardly counts as unique. Still, I suppose its not the most unoriginal story I've ever seen. 5/10

Total: 50/100

[ItsaRandomUsername]

REVIEWS FROM Z-A
by IRUn

A Magnificent Feast
___________________


Artistry:
With a Shirou going on to Archer, the looming threat of peerless, ruthless Enforcer on his tail, and the risk of secrets being exposed to Ayako, at first this ones seems like it's going to get serious. It does -- seriously silly. There's a madcap atmosphere to be found here, with Azarel chasing after Shirou and Ayako and all the hilarity that ensues when a larger-than-life individual has a target in their sights. The fact that Azarel himself is a cameo/reference to a similarly-named BlazBlue character (this is the second 'fic, BTW) adds another degree to the shenanigans. One of the highlights that actually made me laugh out loud and require a moment of composure was with Shirou and Ayako in the McDonald's full of Enforcers, Azarel on the toilet, and him swearing to Shirou he'll take him out once he's finished with his other business. Comedy gold right there, I can say that much about this one.


And then it just ends, but that's another matter entirely. Still, being able to cause laughter is worth something, no?
15/30

+

Characterization:
Shirou is just trying to deal with things. Ayako is reliable. Azarel is an absolute ham. There's a good 'fic in the making here, but again, it ends just as things start to pick up. Still, Azarel brought a plethora of hot-blooded comedy to this, so thanks for that, author.
15/25

+

Setting:
The Athens International Airport, the presumably a madcap dash through a Greek cityscape and environs, a McDonald's, and ending it all in Shirou's Reality Marble. What can I say? Attempts were made, the environment was actually used, for once, to influence the outcome of the action, so I actually feel compelled to grant some points for that. That, and the incorporation of a McDonald's bathroom into the story had me in stitches.
15/20

+

Technical:
It's sound, and even, dare I say it, a little fun to read.
15/15

+

Uniqueness:
This was worth a solid laugh. Thanks so much for this. I had a ton of fun with this one.
10/10, because I can't give it 15 points here.

_________
70/100

- - - Updated - - -

REVIEWS FROM Z-A
by IRUn

A Last Request
_______________


Artistry:
It feels awkward and disappointing. Some of the deaths feel slightly visceral, so it has that going for it. Most of all, I'd say it just feels boring. There's no meaning to it except death being pointless. That and Caster has found her peace on Earth because of her beau and has no need for the Grail, really, but we knew that already from reading the VN/watching the anime(s)/having any slightly-extensive experience with Fate/stay night, so why bother with that same song and dance?
10/30

+

Characterization:
I felt it was immensely out of character for Berserker to bite the dust the way he did, even with Caster utilizing all of her resources and the leylines to go all-out against him. If the situation ever came to that I could see Caster and her team somehow buffing their way to an F/sn-Gilgamesh-level opponent in terms of both magical firepower and physical prowess, on Caster and Assassin's/Kuzuki's side respectively, and if Caster is within the realm of being able to obtain the Holy Grail, but it still felt like a bit of stretch even with that in mind. Also, why exactly is Berserker here and Illya explicitly mentioned to be nowhere in sight? Then there's the weird bit with her laughing through Berserker like he's a speakerphone and then that's just out of nowhere and yeah. Everyone else not named Caster is just barely recognizable as the character they're supposed to be, so that deserves a bare minimum of passing points.
10/25

+

Setting:
It's Ryuudou Temple, that's it, nothing flashy or exciting or interesting to it. It's just a place to die, with no strategic usage of the place's grounds, except for how Berserker needs to be bottlenecked through the gate to enter in the first place.
10/20

+

Technical:
It feels awkward and disappointing. Could use love from a beta, for both punctuation and word-weaving.
5/15

+

Uniqueness:
While it does touch upon a What If idea derived from the idea of a scene we know happened that we didn't actually get to see in-game, Berserker vs. The Temple Crew, it does little to nothing original with it, except end it all with a mutual kill in which all involved parties are dead. Caster doesn't even go through any fresh character revelations, the narration instead paraphrasing her motives as they are portrayed in the Unlimited Blade Works route and applying them to a different situation. Which SHOULD feel believable, but the tone and presentation can't keep this out of anything more than mediocrity.
4/10

_________
39/100

- - - Updated - - -

With that, I'm outta here.

[alfheimwanderer]

A Magnificent Feast

Artistry: I was trying to be semi-professional and not just label this as a "magnificent turd," especially after I finished reading Disorder, but...I can't. From the unexpected tone shift from serious to absurd to the unsatisfying ending, I can't really see any merit to this story. I'm not even sure the author him/herself knew what this story should have been, or had any idea of how to get there, and seeing as that is the case, it is not terribly surprising it ended up where it did. I guess I laughed, so I felt something, but I'm not sure I was ever laughing with the author... 7/30

Characterization: Very average in the case of Future!Shirou, though Azarel was pretty much some caricatured stand-in. The trouble is, again, the major shift halfway through the story and how everything ends, not with a bang but a whimper... 15/25

Setting: It takes too long for me to find out that this is supposed to be Athens International Airport, and even once I do, there's no indication of where all this is taking place, what's going on or why? The cliff sequence was nice, I suppose, but the McDonalds and everything else? What is this? Emiya and Mitsuzuri go to White Castle? Because the comedy of errors sure as hell isn't the Nasuverse. 5/20

Technical: This story is riddled with mistakes, spelling and grammatical alike, and often its hard for me to know exactly what happened because of it. 10/15

Uniqueness: Stories with Emiya Shirou are a dime a dozen, and this one doesn't manage to stand out in any meaningful way. 5/10

Total: 42/100

[alfheimwanderer]

Moon's Corral

Artistry (30 points): In every fanfic competition, there are always a few terrible stories that make judges wonder why they took the job in the first place (and why, not concicidentally, I took a leave of absence from the competition last year). And then there are stories that make me remember why (and make me glad that I'm back this year!). This is clearly one of the latter, with so many tragic elements meshed seamlessly together into one grand whole. The style works and is very Nasu in feel, with the competition between the characters and the way they all went to their ends for something they believed in fairly interesting. 30/30

Characterization (25 points): For better or for worse, these characters are essentially OCs, but I'll be damned if you didn't make them essentially come to life before my eyes, fleshing them out, showing why they do what they do. Rulers at the end of the world, each seeking revitalization for one reason or another - and dooming themselves because of it - make for quite fascinating reading. 25/25

Setting (20 points): The world of Tsuki no Sango isn't quite the usual Nasuverse, given how far in the future it is set, and this particular variant is set up as the prelude to the world of Notes. Neither are settings I tend to see in fanfics (in contrast to the oh too often used FSN), and I applaud you for that, especially as you manage to bring these worlds to life, what with the Six Sisters in their city states, the rainforest, and more. 19/20

Technical (15 points): I see a few typos in the piece, a few of which catch my eye, but few of which are actually distracting or immersion breaking. 13/15

Uniqueness: A fresh setting, characters woven of whole cloth without retreading anything that has come before, and grand tragedy combine to make this a very moving tale. I have to admit that I wondered if "Corral" was an error at first, but as I read more, I realized this wasn't the case - that the characters had been brought to this dying land and corralled as part of a larger plan, much like some of the names like Fird, Forth, and such began to make more sense as I read. 10/10

Total: 97/100

[alfheimwanderer]

Defibrillator

Artistry (30 Points): I'll be frank - I'm actually a little disappointed by this. I expected something electrifying from the tête-à-tête between Tesla and Scathach, but what was there read...kind of like a lemon written by someone being altogether too clinical about excitement. But then, I suppose the title should have given that away. The fights weren't exciting, and things like 220,000,000 miles per hour (the speed of lightning!) seemed like attempts to be entirely too clever - attempts which failed. Dramatically. Even the end, where Tesla is staring at Scathach's tits and making a joke about it, is rather juvenile. So much more could have been done with this, with the end being transitioning to them about to screw each other senseless, overcome by lust...but alas, what you have is what you have, more notable for what it lacks and what it could have been than what you managed to do. 15/30

Characterization (25 Points): I *suppose* the characters are on point. The two certainly make for an interesting pairing, given that one is a bombastic "paladin of science", while the other is of course, much more used to such things, though I'd expected the interplay of the two to push further. Perhaps if Sacthach wasn't quite satisfied, but had simply been immensely turned on/had her switch flipped, it would have been even more appropriate, but... 20/25

Setting (20 points): Fairly vague. Presumably this was Tesla's lab at Chaldea, but there was nothing to define it as his, nothing that marked the space as really notable until his Noble Phantasm blew through the side of the mountain and silhouetted the two against the scenery. Mostly generic. 10/20

Technical (15 points): Sentences ramble on & the language is sometimes confusing, with sometimes questionable word choices. It really feels as if you could have benefited from a proofreader. 12/15

Uniqueness (10 Points): Scathach x Tesla is a decent and unusual pairing, compared to the much more common Scathach x Cu bit, but...it could have been used for so much more. 7/10

Total: 64/100

[alfheimwanderer]

A Last Request

Artistry (30 Points): I don't really know what to say about this - and no, I don't mean that in a good way. This mostly feels like a rehash of events we saw in Fate, except that for some reason, Medea died this time. Why? What was the reason Berserker pushed forward and wasn't repulsed? To me, this is a bit confusing, and more to the point, disappointing, as all the death is meaningless in the end. 10/30

Characterization (25 Points): The scene is especially odd to me given the absence of Illya, who is never far from her Servant's side in canon - and how Berserker just kept pushing onwards, given how Illya actually cares about him. If he was truly down to one life, he would havebeen made to retreat. There are a lot of problems here, frankly, and I don't really know where to begin... 8/25

Setting (20 points): Another Fate story. Whoop de do. And not even an interesting take on it. Next. 10/20

Technical (15 points): Awkward would be a kind way to describe the wording in this story. Also a pet peeve, it's and its. 5/15

Uniqueness (10 Points): What uniqueness? 0/10

Total: 33/100

[alfheimwanderer]

Hands

Artistry (30 Points): This one seems to shoot for introspection, but the pacing for it is all wrong. It feels like this was written to accompany visuals, as if this was taken from a visual novel or something of the sort - which means that in the absence of visuals, all of this falls flat. Plus the way the narrator slips commentary between otherwise continuous dialogue from Saber is something that I don't even begin to want to deal with right now. The premise itself isn't terrible, but none of it flows, none of it fits - and I guess the part I hate most is how aggressively mediocre it all is. 15/30

Characterization (25 Points): There isn't much. Nero is Nero, Hakuno is Hakuno, but only due to how vaguely the characters are defined. Frankly, the characterization isn't rich, compelling or really interesting in any way, and it makes me wonder why I'm reading this. 10/25

Setting (20 points): Given the context of this story, and the characters involved, this would be the Moon Cell, but there's just about nothing to really fix the events of this story in one particular time and place. As it currently is, I don't feel a sense of connection to what happens - and I don't know why I should find it significant that here and now, Nero is offering Hakuno her hand. 6/20

Technical (15 points): As IRUN has mentioned, commas are a writer's best friend. And that's just the tip of the iceberg...7/15

Uniqueness (10 Points): This is...well, its not even really a novellization of Fate/EXTRA's Saber route, is it? 0/10

Total: 38/10

[alfheimwanderer]

I'LL MURDER YOUR CAT

Artistry (30 Points): It's amazing how little can be said with so much. In a way, I feel like I'm reading Polonius' lines in Hamlet, only this Polonius lives at the end. The fic - as it straightforwardly asserts - "didn’t have a conclusion, or some dramatic ending" with much work "thrown into a last-minute anti-climax." I wonder if the author ran out of time, or if this was very much on purpose. Either way, it was still interesting and consistent, especially compared to some of the other fics in this competition. 22/30

Characterization (25 Points): I enjoyed the look into the investigator's mindset, with Shirou as Shirou and the murderer nothing to write home about. At least you have one somewhat interesting character, even if he seems to be the setup for the joke at the end. 15/25

Setting (20 points): I suppose its a bit more hardboiled than usual, though I can't say much beyond that. 6/20

Technical (15 points): I have no complaints here. 15/15

Uniqueness (10 Points): Is this something remarkable? Not particuarly. Still, better than that epic love story of Matou Shinji and Matou Sakura story... 5/10

Total: 63/100

[alfheimwanderer]

PSEUDOMONARCHIA

Artistry (30 Points): There's a lot of artistry in this. Lots of references as well - aside from all the Nasuverse actions, I think I caught some from NGE, Ozymandias, even a book by Johnathan Edwards. It was quite obviously an alien perspective, which is to be expected when you cram 1e+78 actions into someone's head. 27/30

Characterization (25 Points): I can't say there were any characters worth noting here, really. Perhaps the POV of the person viewing the experience, but even that is being a bit generous, because the point was kind of that the person became a vessel. 10/25

Setting (20 points): Well, I suppose its an examination of the Nasuverse, through Chaldea's retrospective, so it works well enough for what you're doing. 17/20

Technical (15 points): No errors detected. 15/15

Uniqueness (10 Points): I don't think I've seen anything quite like this before. It works quite well, actually, within its limited scope, and I wouldn't mind seeing more well thought out work like this. 10/10

Total: 79/100

[alfheimwanderer]

Sigma Zero

Artistry (30 Points): The reality of life and the hazy quality of the simulated dream were quite an interesting duality, though I hadn't initially expected this to be Twice H. Pieceman. Having worked as an EMT and an ER nurse before, the warzones and the difficulty of dealing with a patient's trauma struck me quite profoundly. The questioning of why, and the binding of past and present in the cycle are also a very nice touch, bringing the story to Fate/Extra. 30/30

Characterization (25 Points): I found Twice to be very well fleshed out as far as his motivations and how far he pushed himself to save others, going into hell again and again in order to do what he could. In a way, it reminds me that he was like Shirou in some ways - only the two broke down in very different ways in the end. Admittedly, some of the actions of the background characters seem a bit convenient, but...I suppose there's only so much one can do in a oneshot. Also enjoyed Tamamo quite a bit, even with how little screentime she got. 22/25

Setting (20 points): The distinction between the Earth and the Moon Cell is very striking, and you've done a wonderful job fleshing everything out and making the worlds feel...alive. 20/20

Technical (15 points): A few things here and there, but such is to be expected in such a long piece. 14/15

Uniqueness (10 Points): Not that common to see Extra stories these days, though I am aware of another Twice H Pieceman origin story. This goes even further into the past though, so it seperates itself nicely. 8/10

Total: 94/100