I'm glad that you're looking forward to it. But in practice I won't get to writing for a few days because I'm spending tomorrow playing a long board game and then I'm flying home on the day after that.Quote:
Originally Posted by ZidanReign
I'm glad that you're looking forward to it. But in practice I won't get to writing for a few days because I'm spending tomorrow playing a long board game and then I'm flying home on the day after that.Quote:
Originally Posted by ZidanReign
Tiger Dojo #3: Impulse/A Friend
Ayaka knew that she should run, but her body felt rooted to the spot. It wasn’t as strong as it had been ten years ago, but she sensed that same evil within the Assassins, and once again she was a helpless and terrified young girl.
No. She had promised herself that she would fight. And if they were part of the evil that she had witnessed before she would destroy them without mercy.
“Caster! Come to my side and defeat those Servants!” she shouted, preparing to use a Command Spell to imbue Caster with her determination.
But before the command could be finished, Ayaka felt a sharp pain in her chest, and looking down she could see one of the Assassin’s daggers embedded between her breasts, right where her Command Spells were. Had Caster’s Bounded Field failed? Or was the attack simply too close for the Field to have fully protected her from it? In any case, she could see crimson blood starting to stain her blouse, and, feeling faint, she collapsed to the ground.
“Your survival is not required, Sajyou Ayaka,” the Assassin told her, its once cold demeanor being replaced by a sadistic glee.
“Master!”
Ayaka saw Caster rushing to her side, but more Assassins appeared to intercept him. He blasted them with a bolt of flame from his staff, scorching them from existence in moments as the fire ravenously consumed their bodies. But her own lifeblood was draining rapidly too, and with a roar Berserker finished off the last of the Assassins attacking Illyasviel and charged toward Caster before he could try to heal her.
“Sajyou!” a voice cried out, and there was Emiya Shirou by her side, while Saber got up again to challenge Berserker once more. “You’re really hurt! He started to frantically pull at his jacket, as if he could use it as a makeshift bandage to stanch the bleeding.
Weakly, she raised a hand and pushed him away. “It’s too late for me, Emiya. Just run, and save whom you can: yourself. This has been my fate for a long time.”
"Don't say that! I’m not letting anyone else die!”
She shook her head. “Idiot.”
It was funny. She had avoided Emiya Shirou and loathed everything that she thought he stood for, but in the end he was a decent guy. Maybe she was the real idiot.
DEAD END
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…
…
Opening her eyes, Ayaka found herself in the mysterious Tiger Dojo once more. But something was different this time. A young man was next to her: Emiya Shirou.
“You died too?” she asked.
“That’s why you’re both here,” Ms. Fujimura called out, still in her kendo uniform. “As I’ve said before, normally it would just be Shirou here, but ever since our new heroine started showing up, it just made more sense to discuss your shared Dead Ends together.”
“Oh, hi Fuji-nee.”
“Wait for me, Sensei!” Manaka’s voice called out as she hurried over into the dojo. She had changed her clothes since Ayaka’s last visit, donning a smaller version of the kendo uniform that Ms. Fujimura wore. Ayaka thought that it suited her sister surprisingly well.
“Hi, sister,” Manaka said cheerfully. She paused and looked over to Shirou, an appraising expression forming on her face. After a moment she frowned and asked, “Is he your boyfriend?”
“N-No!” Ayaka spluttered. First Caster and now her sister! Why were they making such assumptions?
“He’s barely even a Magus.”
“I’ll admit to that.”
Closing her eyes as if in deep thought, Manaka continued, “he actually has considerably more Magic Circuits than you do, sister, at twenty-seven to your twenty, but they’re of such low quality that each can only hold a few units of prana without burning out. And he doesn’t even have a Magic Crest.” Annoyance flashed across her delicate features. “It’s no wonder that Saber is crippled with a Master such as him!”
“Now, Student, remember that our job is to help them avoid their Dead Ends,” Ms. Fujimura cut in nervously.
“Of course, Sensei,” Manaka replied, suddenly offering a bright smile. “It pains me to see my sister keep stumbling like this, and if Shirou dies Saber will vanish, so I’ll do everything in my power to help them.”
She stepped forward, and Shirou couldn’t help but be reminded of Illyasviel. Manaka looked young, and if he hadn’t known otherwise he would have sworn that Ayaka was older by several years. Yet in spite of her small frame, he could sense that she was very powerful, just as Illyasviel had proven herself to be. She was smiling now, but he had the feeling that if he were to upset her further she could easily wipe him from existence.
“Sister, while being reckless might work for your friend over there, you must remember that sometimes discretion is the better part of valor,” Manaka explained. “Use the opportunity created by the Assassins to escape instead of trying to take them on.” She turned to Shirou, “As for you, my sister has chosen to fight in the Holy Grail War, but if she freezes up under pressure make sure that she snaps out of it.” She turned back to Ayaka. “And lastly, don’t let him do anything stupid that gets him killed.” She paused, and gave Shirou another smile. “If you manage all of that, I might forgive you. But my little sister is still off-limits. She deserves better than you.”
Shirou and Ayaka both flushed red once again, and it was a moment before either of them could gather their composure enough to speak.
“I promise that I’ll protect your sister,” Shirou said solemnly. “And I’m not interested in her in that sort of way.”
Manaka eyed him suspiciously, and then was angry again. “Don’t make promises that you can’t keep! You can’t even protect yourself! If you could you wouldn’t be here!”
Ayaka was going to come to Shirou’s defense, to say how he had already helped save her from the Assassin who had broken into her house and how he had stayed by her side even through their final moments. But her sister’s presence was overpowering, and she found that she could not speak against Manaka here.
Ms. Fujimura stepped between Shirou and Manaka. “My, you’re both so dramatic tonight. But our time with them is almost up. So let’s say goodbye to them for now, Student.”
“Okay,” Manaka replied, her cheerful disposition returning. “Take care, sister!” she said with a wave. “And we’ll see if you can live up to your promise, Shirou!”
The Dojo was fading away from both Shirou and Ayaka now, and they from each other. Ayaka frowned for a moment. She still didn’t see Shirou in the way that her Servant and her sister had suggested, but perhaps she could call him a friend now. Yet in a few moments they would simply be allies of convenience against Illyasviel and Berserker once more as she forgot the events leading up to her arrival at the Tiger Dojo.
And then she only knew darkness.
Xiphos left a rather thorough review on the fan fiction.net version and pointed out a number of flaws in my writing style. At the moment I think it's more important that I keep forward momentum on the story when I find time to write (which I have less time of again as I start looking for introductory teaching positions / into the programs in which I can earn a teaching license / spend time with my family instead of being alone in a dormitory). But I will try to keep his constructive criticisms in mind as I write subsequent chapters, and maybe at some point I'll come back to polish the older ones. Of course, old habits die hard, but hopefully I'll see incremental improvement in my writing style.
On another note, I've added an "opening" song to the main chapter titles, an English version of "Brave Shine". I felt that some of the lyrics were appropriate to Shirou and Ayaka's situation. Perhaps this isn't too surprising, as thematically I'm trying to place this story somewhere in between the troubled ideals of UBW and the horrors of Heaven's Feel, as the appearance of Dark Assassin / Hassan Alter in the last proper chapter hinted.
*A story where Hassans are being ultra badass* I like this. I like it a lot.
Thanks for reading!Quote:
Originally Posted by The Green Flame
Progress has been slower recently because life / proofreading what I've already written for the next chapter, but I'm still working on it.