Originally Posted by
purple_teardrops
>Again, to be blunt: That's just being a brat.
I appreciate the compliment, although i'm sure that's not what you intended with what you wrote.
What i mean is that especially given that 'brat' can mean both spoiled and child, i'll take the latter, especially considering that even according to my scientific research, being an adult currently seems to stand for somebody who is completely psychologically mutilated and unable to truly synchronize with one's own inner self; adults reject their own selves, adults reject the ability to feel pain (or to feel at all), and in doing so, end up existing as incomplete and mutilated beings. As an example of this, adults will rarely cry, especially so when with no intent or purpose other than displaying what they feel. Adults, well... Rarely display what they feel, even to themselves. Given this context, i'd rather remain a brat... I don't wanna be an emotionless meatbot.
What you've written sorta makes me wonder whether your inner child (you know, the person who you were [and still are, although you likely heavily repress that facet] before you built a psychological palace/labyrinth to keep that child/true self from showing up) isn't crying an ocean and drowing within their own tears, suffering a lot since they* dies but continues to exist in the pain of death, and basically can't come out, and be what they truly is, nor do as they truly wishes to.
*they = agendered reference, he/she in a single syllable
I'm not looking for an excuse not to kill myself, i might add. I'm just expressing what i truly feel... With no intents or purposes. I'm just being. I do admit that i'd be interesting to find someone willing to try to rescue me from the dungeon i'm trapped in, but uh, the only thing that's being fought against is my own desire to put an end to this. I'm not sure what to think on this, but i think this is somewhat relevant. Besides, talking about one's sorrows is important, all in all.
Other than this, i'm sorry, but i think this whole "endure" thing isn't healthy at all. It feels more like what you're saying might be described as an attempt to convince someone that suffering in silence is a good thing, although it might be pure masochism. The "grow strong" part sounds more like trying to link the idea of strength with what might be described as a type of self-censorship, so that someone takes remaining in silence while in pain as something good, due to a type of self-rewarding, self-deceiving mental routine. This doesn't feel like getting strong, this feels more like being too weak to raise one's voice to say what one truly feels, and convincing one's own self that such weakness is strength.
All in all, this reminds me of the movie Camp X-Ray, where in order to reinforce the idea that someone's life doesn't belong to one's own self, the female protagonist went as far as asking the prisoner not to commit suicide, when all the life prospect the guy had was remaining locked up for decades in jail. You know, the whole thing about closing the piece with the morals of the day, immoral as they might be.
I have to say that while the effort might (emphasis on the might part) be well intentioned, uh, wouldn't it be somewhat better to try to look for a solution to my problem rather than try to gag me?
Killing myself means saving myself in case no other option is available. I'm somewhat astonished as to how most people fail to realize that being kept in a funny farm with a computer and internet access isn't enough for a living... Well, it's sorta tolerable, although mostly i think that it's being tolerable because suicide ( in this case, more like self-applied euthanasia, really) is available and a metaphorical white knight might have shown up in another media, with lawyers along with them, so i guess i'm waiting with a bit of hope. It's different from being stuck, though.