2. And Sakura will have to edit through all of Shirou's dead ends and the times where he didn't choose her.
2. And Sakura will have to edit through all of Shirou's dead ends and the times where he didn't choose her.
This makes WAY too much sense.Originally Posted by Alulim
/Highfive
So that's why Nasu doesn't follow his own rules.
2. Because it means listening to Sakura and her not getting slapped.
2. Because it means more brainwork from that genius writer that isNasuShinji.
Oh, Spinach.
It's almost frightening how you know so much about me without ever having met me in person Koto.
Hope Rides With His Godly Ronin/Cowboy Brother In Law
2. Because this way we can also make Shinji go on an acid trip.
/Highfive'd
2. But the protagonist is now named Minchi and he gets a female magus named Lin while his red haired gaijin friend dies saving his generous, forgiving, humble, emotionally scarred sister because of Idiot Balls handed out to everyone not named Minchi.
We will call that the Celestial Sensation arc.
Spoiler:
Fate/stay night: The Abridged Version: Sparks Liner High
Before I was a legendary man capable of leveling the trees and splitting the roadways with my talking guitar and jive talk, I was a legendary man who did all of that with one of the greatest things in the world: crack. Metric tons of it. Inspired by the current talk happening in the Badass Versus thread right now, Dec. 15, 2012.
The cast:
Shirou - Resident badass and all around pimp
Rin - Cocky girl with a heart of asshole
Sakura - Genre savvy slut
Kotomine - Useless quest giving NPC who delights in giving out Bear Ass Collecting Quests
Archer - Asshole who regularly drills Rin...for information.
Lancer - A mysterious man on a hunt for love and justice in a crime riddled world full of meaningless pain and torment
Caster - Hoe
Kuzuki - Jackie Chan
Berserker - A bodyguard perpetually tired of getting the shit jobs
Ilya - Shit tipper, and shit employer
Kiritsugu - Ultimate badass and all around pimp
Gilgamesh - The Man
Assassin - Pimp
Rider - OH MY GOD HAWTNESS I WANT TO BANG YOU
Shinji - Otaku
Saber: Bro
Saber Alter: Douche
*So here’s the score, bitches. The world’s PRETTY FUCKED. The only Servants who haven’t already fallen into Sakura’s she devil blackness are on her side, and the odds are stacked against our favorite bitch and resident badass and pimp. This is when destiny’s stride comes upon our heroes to give them some help (read: Rider comes to ride Shirou’s mana dragon)*
Shirou: HERPADERP I’M IN THE SHACK BECAUZE PLOT
Rider: S’up, I’m here now
Shirou: HOLY SHIT I just sworded my pants.
Rider: I want to test if you can rlly save my master and your lover but I’m not going to say that because I’m such a tease. Seriously, look at what I’m wearing.
Audience: Already on it.
Doujinshi drawers: Waaaaaaay already on it. We didn’t even pay attention to the story once you got on screen.
Shirou: I GET FOUR OPTIONS AND THREE OF THEM LEAD TO MY FUCKIN RAD ASS DEMISE. GEE THANKS NASU, FROM ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO SAVE ROTATE OR HAVE A GUIDE.
*picks one of the wrong ones, because didn’t you see the title? Sparks Liner High all up in dis*
Shirou: welp, I’mma slide backwards cuz u all up in mah grill hoe
Rider: For some reason, this makes you unworthy to save Sakura. Kkthxbai
Shirou: I’m going to go and stroke my sword for a while now while imagining her being pierced by tons of swords
*SHIROU PROCEEDS TO DO PRECISELY THAT, AND GETS A TON OF CUTS ON HIS HAND. ALSO, WTF SHIROU, U GOT PROBLEMS*
Rin: okay, so, because we’re both a ton of dombasses, we’re going to do the whole saving the world business at the LATEST POSSBLE TIME. Like, Two Minutes to Midnight shit right here.
Iron Maiden: We demand royalties
Ilya: since you killed the war’s most awesome Servant and my bestest bodyguard, I’m pretty much useless. So…try not to die horribly u gaiz!
Shirou: Leave the light on I swear I’m comin’ back for you
Ilya: And if you don’t…
Shirou: Don’t blame yourself we all do what we think is right.
EVERYBODY: I’M BREAKIN’ OUT OF HEEEEEEEERE TOOOOOONIIIIIGHT
*Ryudo Temple time skip, thank God we don’t ever have to go through the Prologue’s slice of life tour guide bullshit ever again*
*FUCK*
Rin: OK, so, there’s like…evil EVERYWHERE. So let’s go down into the mountain, and I swear there’s a song that has some kind of reference to what we’re about to do but I don’t remember what it was so no reference for you
*they go into a tunnel*
Shirou: oh wow, is dis some kind of illusion?
Rin: are you fucking kidding me? U have gone through this entire war and seen incredibly baller shit, and A FUCKING FAKE WALL AMAZES YOU
Shirou: Bitch
Rin: When we get done here I’m gonna strap you to a chair and ride you senseless while my sister tongues my anu-
Doujinshi drawers: waaaaaaaaay already on it.
Rin: anyway, why’d you give me a weapon of mass destruction knowing I really want to murderate the hell out of my sister?
Shirou: I like swords
Rin: …
Shirou: …
Rin: …no seriously.
*THE ACTUAL EXPLANATION IS EVEN STUPIDER, SO WE’RE GOING WITH THAT*
Saber: S’up
Shirou and Rin: FUCK
Saber: Relax broskies. Rin, your bro girl wants you to bro your broing way up to her, bro. Nobody else bro can step up to me though bro. Sorry bro.
Rin: welp, I’mma leave you to your certain death. Kkthxbai
Shirou: If I live through this, I’m gonna ram my sword so far up your ass you’ll be choking on diamonds.
Saber: anyway bro, I can’t actually step forward from this bro spot because I’m a bro, and because I take my bro’s order’s really bro seriously.
Shirou: So if I move forward?
Saber: I will ram my bro sword so far into your body you’re going to be broing with the Bro Choir of Invisible Bros.
Shirou: So I need to kill you
Saber: Well, there’s a bad ending where you don’t kill me and you get to Sakura.
Shirou: Oh that’s nice. Why can’t we do that?
Saber: Tentacles bro.
Shirou: Tentacles?
Saber: You don’t even know.
Shirou: well, I could project Excalibur and blast her from here since she apparently can’t move, but not only would that bring the cavern down on us, not only can she coutner it with her own blast, but that incredibly useful power has been RETCONNED THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE
*Japan, Type-Moon Headquarters*
Takeuchi: yo maaaaan, u gunna finish mahoyo?
Nasu: fuckin’ artorias the abysswalker, this is bullshit. Hold on, before I work on mahoyo, I’m gonna go vent my frustration by having Shirou unable to project Excalibur
Takeuchi: But wait, didn’t he use Excalibur to break the Grail in that one ending?
Nasu: My millions of drugs and the ever present smoke and smell of prostitutes in our offices say no.
Takeuchi: welp, I don’t really care, I’m off to make more maids.
Nasu: WAT THE FOOK THEY’RE MAKING DARK SOULS II
*Underneath Ryudo Temple*
Saber: Time to come at me, bro
Shirou: WELL SHIT. By the power of the magicks, I use my weaksauce magic to try to make some bullshit.
Saber: man, bro, u’re the worst magic.
Ryuunosuke: WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT
*Saber and Shirou Fight. It’s really awesome and proves that Saber wasn’t holding back at all. Just saiyan. But Shirou’s still getting his ass handed to him*
Shirou: WHOOOOOOOOOOO I’M FIGHTING SABER THIS IS SO DESU KAWAII OUR SWORDS ARE BANGING AGAINST EACH OTHER’S AND MAKING MY TRALALA GO DING DING DONG
Saber: srs bro? u need to get some bro help, bro, ur bro erection is pressing against my bro armor like a diamond
LIKE
A
ROLLING
STONE
Saber: im just tearin ur body up bro.
Shirou: UR TEARIN ME APART LISA SABER
EVERYBODY: HA.
Shirou: no, but seriously, my body is getting WRECKED. LIKE A TRUCK.
Saber: Are you serious bro? Is that all I am to you bro?
Shirou: …you know what, you’re right.
Saber: Fuck bitches…
Shirou: Get fame.
*THEY BROFIST. IT’S PRETTY RAD*
Shirou: DUH NUH NUH NU NUH NU NUH
Saber: NANANANANANANANANANANANA
EVERYBODY: AAAAAAAWWWWWW SHIT
*Power Rangers theme starts blaring*
Shirou: Theeeeey’ve got….a power and a force that you’ve never seen before
Saber: Theeeeeeey’ve got….the ability to morph and to even up the score
EVERYBODY: NOOOOOO OOOOOONE, CAN EVER TAKE THEM DOWN. THE POWER LIES ON THEIR SI-IYAI-IYAI-IYAI-YAI-IYAI-IYAIIIIIIIIIIIDE
*GO GO POWER RANGERS. *GUITAR* GO GO POWER RANGERS*
Baller skill, tall and black
Moves kill the court
Dribblin’ breaks their fool ass
Team approaches the enemy goal
SLAM, WELCOME TO THE JAM
Shirou: THERE AIN’T NOTHIN BUT NET TO A TRUE B-BALL MASTER
*HE THROWS HIS FUCKING SWORDS LIKE A RETARD*
Saber: *too busy rocking out on Power Rangers to care*
*still deflects*
Shirou: I’M COMIN AT U BRO
Saber: BRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Shirou: BRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*AND SLAM*
Saber: THINK YOU CAN SLAM WITH THE JAM MASTER
Shirou: YEAH, I THINK I CAN
*swords come from behind her because something something boomerang, fights are hard gaiz*
Saber: *deflects them and blocks oncoming attack*
Shirou: HEY YOU, WATCHA GONNA DO
*ANOTHER FUCKING SWORD COMES FROM BEHIND HER*
Saber: Fuck, my bod’s twisting like 360 degrees
Shirou: WORK THAT BODY WORK THAT BODY CUS I’MMA BOUT TO CAP SOMEBODY
Saber: *she somehow breaks that, because she’s da JAM MASTER*
Shirou: Hey Saber?
Saber: KIND OF BUSY BRO, WAT?!
Shirou: You know what my favorite food is?
Saber: …oh fuuuuuu-
Shirou: SLICED PICKLES
*HE BISECTS HER IN FUCKING HALF WITH THE LAST PAIR OF PROJECTED SWORDS, BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKIN’ BADASS AND A PIMP*
Saber: HOLY SHIT WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE BEEN THIS METAL WHEN I WAS WITH YOU
Shirou: The power of the metal gods can only be bequeathed one time in a man’s life. On his dying moment. And if you satisfy their fancy, you are permitted to live past that moment. I could not rock out enough.
*HE IS NOW EFFECTIVELY BRAIN DEAD, BUT HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME*
Saber: …that was pretty damn awesome. I love you bro.
Tohsaka: THIS FIGHT HURTS
Sakura: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-SAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN
Hope Rides With His Godly Ronin/Cowboy Brother In Law
This. I liked this. And I don't even think it's the cheap beer talking either!
What the hell did I just read?
Teasing the Penguin God!
Waddafuq I don't even.
Spoiler:
... two minutes to midnight, to kill the unborn in the womb...
How did I manage to miss that before? It's PERFECT!
I have no words. Thus I bring music.
[04:55] Lianru: i3uster is actuallly quite cute
I would like to preface this by saying I don't play Fate/Grand Order, I have no desire to hear about Fate/Grand Order, I want nothing to do with Fate/Grand Order. What little I know about it is from way back when the game first launched in Japan. I have opinions about the game that I don't think would be shared or welcomed by much of the current community, and I have no desire to have a discussion about it. I am a relic from a time gone by. This was made just from a flight of fancy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For The Man Who Lost Everything
A dusty road sprinkled with hail. The sky above, black and roiling as the wind howls and swirls past his coat. A black street, illuminated by no lights except the moon, slick with rain. The wetness of the rain, the smell of the city as the smog rises, the crunch of gravel and hail beneath his boot. This man has forgotten such sights and sensations.
A flock of seagulls crying out for food in the dazzling sunlight on a white pier. An apricot tree in full bloom sagging so low that even a child could jump up and pluck a fruit out from its arms. A small Shiba dog wagging its tail as its owner walks it down the park trail. The Guardian has discarded such useless sights.
A train station filled with empty faced people. In the crowd, a young man and woman stand out from the faceless mass. She adjusts his tie and smiles up at him. He smiles down at her, turns, and walks away. She waves him off until he disappears up the steps, then turns and boards the departing train. He remembers this, if only because of what happens(happened?) after.
The terraced buildings on the street he used to live on. The park he and --- used to play in; on that day --- lost his glasses. Who? A small pause. He reaches but he does not try very hard. The vague shape escapes him. The memory is lost. A western style mansion covered in snow. The same mansion, gleaming in the daylight. He knows this place. This place, he retains.
The quiet forests. The sound of wind whistling through wheat fields in the country. Mosquitoes buzz on still ponds as farmers toil and sweat mere yards away. The maddening silence of the desert. The roar of a crowd coming from nowhere to nowhere. He does not have time nor need for these sounds, so he throws them away.
The pressure of the rifle snug against his shoulder. The tension of the trigger; the comfortability of the grip. The focus of lining up the shot surpassing meditation and peacefulness. The dead stillness of the instant he captures the future and distills it into a bullet. He pulls. It fires. He knows this very well. It is impossible to forget this.
Waking up to the birds chirping outside his window. The grogginess of rousing from sleep. The tired ache of bones still sore from last night’s training. Last night’s torture. The circuit in his spine burns. No, it no longer burns. Does it? He has long since ignored that feeling. Does it burn? He doesn’t know.
A noisy woman -------------------------------------------------a quiet hallway. A familiar kitchen. Water running from a faucet into a drain. The sound of clattering dishes and shifting pans. A beautiful young woman waits for him there. She turns…ah. What does she look like? He reaches again. He cannot see. He cannot hear. He cannot touch. Never again can he touch her. Never again can he hear her. From now until eternity, their paths can never cross again.
The burn of his running feet and moving legs. The metallic ting of clashing steel. Sparks snapping into existence, dwindling as fast as they appear into the night. A scarlet spear, its grip twisted and turned low to the ground. The sharp pain of being impaled. The sensation of his blood leaking out of him like oil. Fire is my blood.
Silver moonlight. A timeless moment. A shining knight from fantasy. The surging swell of power and majesty. Her slender form steals the breath from his lungs. The air itself obeys her will. The night bows and draws away from her radiance.
He dies. He lives. He will die again. He dies with every shot, with every stab, with every fatal slice. He lives to die. He lives to kill. He wants to die. He has forgotten living. He has forgotten the sound of birds chirping in the morning. He has forgotten the smell of rain upon the grass. He has forgotten that woman, and that woman, and that woman, and that-
No. No, not her. He will never forget her. He will live forever in a single nightmare that will endlessly repeat. He will die forever for a cause not his own. He goes to hell and sends the sinners to an even deeper pit. Yet, he will never forget her. The beauty he first saw when his life began. The silver knight he gazed upon when his life’s course set.
He closes his eyes. The world is black. He opens his eyes. The world is black. His hands are stained a deep red. The golden sword gleams in his mind’s eye. His heart beats, but it is a broken machine it powers. Her golden hair is soft. He hasn’t felt this softness in an eternity.
The sky above is empty. The stars in his eyes have all fallen. If he could, he would pick them all up and give them to her. If he could. If he could. If he could. If he could!
If he could save one life. If he could save all lives. If he could save one world. If he could save all worlds. If he could fix the broken. If he could mend the rip. If he could wash away the stain. The man will stand on the lonely hill, surrounded and pierced with swords. He will stand out on the end of the world because once there was a king who did the same. There were once people he would give his life for over and over. There was once a world he cared about. For one miracle, he will stand alone against the impossible.
He opens his eyes. The room is cold and empty and grey. He stands on a raised platform with the smell and glow of magic still lingering around him. A red-haired woman in a white uniform stands before him. Behind and above her head, a room with a clear window. Unfamiliar faces watch him. A man in a white coat nervously taps his fingers in his folded arms.
Knowledge rushes into him. A miracle.
“Servant: Archer. I come at your summons.”
Her smile is wide and bright.
“Welcome to Chaldea, Archer. Are you ready to save the world?”
Hope Rides With His Godly Ronin/Cowboy Brother In Law
Mhmm, very good use of atmosphere here. Definitely shows the pathos of Archer's ordeal quite well. Also, I have to say compared to your fic above this one on the same page, the contrast in writing styles is pretty hilarious.
The first drabble is funny but ends on a serious, philosophical note. I like both sides of that. The second is fucking incredible. (I like the hints that Zouken manipulated Sakura into catching them, if he didn't manipulate the situation beyond that.) After that is a descent into madness, plus a parody. Then there's this, a return to coherent fiction, and it's also quite good. I'm glad you updated, so I could find this, and I'm glad the series so far ends—pardon my rudeness—on a less shitposting note, to remind me of the first two.
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