Fate/stay night: The Abridged Version: Sparks Liner High
Before I was a legendary man capable of leveling the trees and splitting the roadways with my talking guitar and jive talk, I was a legendary man who did all of that with one of the greatest things in the world: crack. Metric tons of it. Inspired by the current talk happening in the Badass Versus thread right now, Dec. 15, 2012.
The cast:
Shirou - Resident badass and all around pimp
Rin - Cocky girl with a heart of asshole
Sakura - Genre savvy slut
Kotomine - Useless quest giving NPC who delights in giving out Bear Ass Collecting Quests
Archer - Asshole who regularly drills Rin...for information.
Lancer - A mysterious man on a hunt for love and justice in a crime riddled world full of meaningless pain and torment
Caster - Hoe
Kuzuki - Jackie Chan
Berserker - A bodyguard perpetually tired of getting the shit jobs
Ilya - Shit tipper, and shit employer
Kiritsugu - Ultimate badass and all around pimp
Gilgamesh - The Man
Assassin - Pimp
Rider - OH MY GOD HAWTNESS I WANT TO BANG YOU
Shinji - Otaku
Saber: Bro
Saber Alter: Douche
*So here’s the score, bitches. The world’s PRETTY FUCKED. The only Servants who haven’t already fallen into Sakura’s she devil blackness are on her side, and the odds are stacked against our favorite bitch and resident badass and pimp. This is when destiny’s stride comes upon our heroes to give them some help (read: Rider comes to ride Shirou’s mana dragon)*
Shirou: HERPADERP I’M IN THE SHACK BECAUZE PLOT
Rider: S’up, I’m here now
Shirou: HOLY SHIT I just sworded my pants.
Rider: I want to test if you can rlly save my master and your lover but I’m not going to say that because I’m such a tease. Seriously, look at what I’m wearing.
Audience: Already on it.
Doujinshi drawers: Waaaaaaay already on it. We didn’t even pay attention to the story once you got on screen.
Shirou: I GET FOUR OPTIONS AND THREE OF THEM LEAD TO MY FUCKIN RAD ASS DEMISE. GEE THANKS NASU, FROM ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO SAVE ROTATE OR HAVE A GUIDE.
*picks one of the wrong ones, because didn’t you see the title? Sparks Liner High all up in dis*
Shirou: welp, I’mma slide backwards cuz u all up in mah grill hoe
Rider: For some reason, this makes you unworthy to save Sakura. Kkthxbai
Shirou: I’m going to go and stroke my sword for a while now while imagining her being pierced by tons of swords
*SHIROU PROCEEDS TO DO PRECISELY THAT, AND GETS A TON OF CUTS ON HIS HAND. ALSO, WTF SHIROU, U GOT PROBLEMS*
Rin: okay, so, because we’re both a ton of dombasses, we’re going to do the whole saving the world business at the LATEST POSSBLE TIME. Like, Two Minutes to Midnight shit right here.
Iron Maiden: We demand royalties
Ilya: since you killed the war’s most awesome Servant and my bestest bodyguard, I’m pretty much useless. So…try not to die horribly u gaiz!
Shirou: Leave the light on I swear I’m comin’ back for you
Ilya: And if you don’t…
Shirou: Don’t blame yourself we all do what we think is right.
EVERYBODY: I’M BREAKIN’ OUT OF HEEEEEEEERE TOOOOOONIIIIIGHT
*Ryudo Temple time skip, thank God we don’t ever have to go through the Prologue’s slice of life tour guide bullshit ever again*
*FUCK*
Rin: OK, so, there’s like…evil EVERYWHERE. So let’s go down into the mountain, and I swear there’s a song that has some kind of reference to what we’re about to do but I don’t remember what it was so no reference for you
*they go into a tunnel*
Shirou: oh wow, is dis some kind of illusion?
Rin: are you fucking kidding me? U have gone through this entire war and seen incredibly baller shit, and A FUCKING FAKE WALL AMAZES YOU
Shirou: Bitch
Rin: When we get done here I’m gonna strap you to a chair and ride you senseless while my sister tongues my anu-
Doujinshi drawers: waaaaaaaaay already on it.
Rin: anyway, why’d you give me a weapon of mass destruction knowing I really want to murderate the hell out of my sister?
Shirou: I like swords
Rin: …
Shirou: …
Rin: …no seriously.
*THE ACTUAL EXPLANATION IS EVEN STUPIDER, SO WE’RE GOING WITH THAT*
Saber: S’up
Shirou and Rin: FUCK
Saber: Relax broskies. Rin, your bro girl wants you to bro your broing way up to her, bro. Nobody else bro can step up to me though bro. Sorry bro.
Rin: welp, I’mma leave you to your certain death. Kkthxbai
Shirou: If I live through this, I’m gonna ram my sword so far up your ass you’ll be choking on diamonds.
Saber: anyway bro, I can’t actually step forward from this bro spot because I’m a bro, and because I take my bro’s order’s really bro seriously.
Shirou: So if I move forward?
Saber: I will ram my bro sword so far into your body you’re going to be broing with the Bro Choir of Invisible Bros.
Shirou: So I need to kill you
Saber: Well, there’s a bad ending where you don’t kill me and you get to Sakura.
Shirou: Oh that’s nice. Why can’t we do that?
Saber: Tentacles bro.
Shirou: Tentacles?
Saber: You don’t even know.
Shirou: well, I could project Excalibur and blast her from here since she apparently can’t move, but not only would that bring the cavern down on us, not only can she coutner it with her own blast, but that incredibly useful power has been RETCONNED THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE
*Japan, Type-Moon Headquarters*
Takeuchi: yo maaaaan, u gunna finish mahoyo?
Nasu: fuckin’ artorias the abysswalker, this is bullshit. Hold on, before I work on mahoyo, I’m gonna go vent my frustration by having Shirou unable to project Excalibur
Takeuchi: But wait, didn’t he use Excalibur to break the Grail in that one ending?
Nasu: My millions of drugs and the ever present smoke and smell of prostitutes in our offices say no.
Takeuchi: welp, I don’t really care, I’m off to make more maids.
Nasu: WAT THE FOOK THEY’RE MAKING DARK SOULS II
*Underneath Ryudo Temple*
Saber: Time to come at me, bro
Shirou: WELL SHIT. By the power of the magicks, I use my weaksauce magic to try to make some bullshit.
Saber: man, bro, u’re the worst magic.
Ryuunosuke: WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT
*Saber and Shirou Fight. It’s really awesome and proves that Saber wasn’t holding back at all. Just saiyan. But Shirou’s still getting his ass handed to him*
Shirou: WHOOOOOOOOOOO I’M FIGHTING SABER THIS IS SO DESU KAWAII OUR SWORDS ARE BANGING AGAINST EACH OTHER’S AND MAKING MY TRALALA GO DING DING DONG
Saber: srs bro? u need to get some bro help, bro, ur bro erection is pressing against my bro armor like a diamond
LIKE
A
ROLLING
STONE
Saber: im just tearin ur body up bro.
Shirou: UR TEARIN ME APART LISA SABER
EVERYBODY: HA.
Shirou: no, but seriously, my body is getting WRECKED. LIKE A TRUCK.
Saber: Are you serious bro? Is that all I am to you bro?
Shirou: …you know what, you’re right.
Saber: Fuck bitches…
Shirou: Get fame.
*THEY BROFIST. IT’S PRETTY RAD*
Shirou: DUH NUH NUH NU NUH NU NUH
Saber: NANANANANANANANANANANANA
EVERYBODY: AAAAAAAWWWWWW SHIT
*Power Rangers theme starts blaring*
Shirou: Theeeeey’ve got….a power and a force that you’ve never seen before
Saber: Theeeeeeey’ve got….the ability to morph and to even up the score
EVERYBODY: NOOOOOO OOOOOONE, CAN EVER TAKE THEM DOWN. THE POWER LIES ON THEIR SI-IYAI-IYAI-IYAI-YAI-IYAI-IYAIIIIIIIIIIIDE
*GO GO POWER RANGERS. *GUITAR* GO GO POWER RANGERS*
Baller skill, tall and black
Moves kill the court
Dribblin’ breaks their fool ass
Team approaches the enemy goal
SLAM, WELCOME TO THE JAM
Shirou: THERE AIN’T NOTHIN BUT NET TO A TRUE B-BALL MASTER
*HE THROWS HIS FUCKING SWORDS LIKE A RETARD*
Saber: *too busy rocking out on Power Rangers to care*
*still deflects*
Shirou: I’M COMIN AT U BRO
Saber: BRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Shirou: BRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*AND SLAM*
Saber: THINK YOU CAN SLAM WITH THE JAM MASTER
Shirou: YEAH, I THINK I CAN
*swords come from behind her because something something boomerang, fights are hard gaiz*
Saber: *deflects them and blocks oncoming attack*
Shirou: HEY YOU, WATCHA GONNA DO
*ANOTHER FUCKING SWORD COMES FROM BEHIND HER*
Saber: Fuck, my bod’s twisting like 360 degrees
Shirou: WORK THAT BODY WORK THAT BODY CUS I’MMA BOUT TO CAP SOMEBODY
Saber: *she somehow breaks that, because she’s da JAM MASTER*
Shirou: Hey Saber?
Saber: KIND OF BUSY BRO, WAT?!
Shirou: You know what my favorite food is?
Saber: …oh fuuuuuu-
Shirou: SLICED PICKLES
*HE BISECTS HER IN FUCKING HALF WITH THE LAST PAIR OF PROJECTED SWORDS, BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKIN’ BADASS AND A PIMP*
Saber: HOLY SHIT WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE BEEN THIS METAL WHEN I WAS WITH YOU
Shirou: The power of the metal gods can only be bequeathed one time in a man’s life. On his dying moment. And if you satisfy their fancy, you are permitted to live past that moment. I could not rock out enough.
*HE IS NOW EFFECTIVELY BRAIN DEAD, BUT HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME*
Saber: …that was pretty damn awesome. I love you bro.
Tohsaka: THIS FIGHT HURTS
Sakura: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-SAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN