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Thread: The Writing Workshop

  1. #81
    The Dread Nekomancer alfheimwanderer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LeopardBear View Post
    If you don't mind, could you give this the once-over? Don't feel that you need to give detailed revisions, a general 'comments' will be pretty helpful on its own.

    http://forums.nrvnqsr.com/showthread...asuverse-Noir)
    Sure thing. Nasuverse/Noir crossover with genderbent Nanaya Shiki? Let's have a look here




    For all the wonders of the modern age, the world was filled with shadows: places where odd beings lurked, places that had been abandoned by the light of civilization, places where the twin illusions of order and progress had long given way to decay.

    Some were in the usual places - ghost towns, sites of natural disasters, crow and carrion-ridden fields of battle. Yet some could be found in stranger locales - in otherwise peaceful parks, in the middle of the ocean, or, in this case, the heart of a great city. The area currently in question was a massive abandoned construction site, once set aside for some new industrial development that had promised to pump vitality into the city. However, for one reason or another, whether it was lack of funding, inability to navigate the treacherous waters of bureaucracy, or sheer incompetence, it was now a skeletal wreck laying bare to the sky, its exposed steel bones rusting in the air.

    Through this complex ran Tohno Shiki’s route home.

    Some said that the site was dangerous, that unsavoury people clung about it, but Tohno didn’t care.

    She doubted anybody would miss her if anything happened anyway. Sure, she was pretty, but not notably so. She didn’t stand out in school. She didn’t stand out in extracurriculars. She barely even had any friends.

    Well, she thought, there's Arihiko, but he's just one man. He hardly counts.

    And so she found herself wandering through the abandoned building on her way home, with no one to question why a small girl was in such a place. Why would there be? It was abandoned, after all.

    Still, there were some who took...an interest.

    She emerged into what might have been a large room, though it was unfinished like everything else. Looking up gave her a view of the red sky bearing down through truncated beams and one-sided rebar. Looking down...she had to blink to be sure her eyes did not deceive, for when she looked down again, a massive man in an ill-fitting black suit stood before her like a Germanic mountain. A fearful glance around her told her that there was more than one: that figures in black surrounded her on all sides, five in total.

    Not thugs, not drug dealers, not gangsters…these were something completely different. Men that, from their stance, did not mean to posture or show off, but to accomplish a mission.

    Paralyzed by fear, she stood fixed to the spot as they closed in on her. Her panicked breathing echoed throughout the space, accompanied by the stomp of shoes and…and a sound she shouldn’t have been able to recognize. The sound of knives being unsheathed. From behind her, one of the men clamped his hand on her shoulder, in a prelude to a strike.

    Instinct took over. On reflex, without consciously knowing what she was about to do, Tohno turned, the sudden movement breaking the man’s grip on her. As his hand grasped empty air, she whirled about, seizing his wrist in her left hand and snapping her right out, striking him directly on the outside of his arm, at the elbow.

    A crack like a gunshot echoed throughout the room; the man’s arm snapped clean in half at the joint.

    The ring of metal being dropped followed it, as instinct drove the man to clutch his injured arm as opposed to retaining his weapon – a critical - no, fatal - mistake. Leaning back and down, Tohno easily took hold of the knife, snapping it forwards in a reverse grip that cleanly slit his throat.

    In shock, the man’s comrades could only stare in silence as he fell to the floor like a puppet with strings cut, aspirating blood and air in a pink mist. At that instant, they knew that they had gravely underestimated the girl. They should have guessed. Why would so many of them have been sent to take out a teenager, if she wasn’t dangerous? But what was done was done, and they were woefully unprepared for what was about to follow.

    Still, they had a mission, so they reached into their jackets to draw their blades, in a vain attempt to defend themselves.

    Maybe if they hadn’t done that, they could have gotten away.

    Maybe Tohno’s killer instinct would have subsided, and she would have been floored from the shock of her sudden action. Maybe she would have sunk to her knees in despair, kneeling in an expanding pool of blood, and they could have taken advantage of that. Maybe...but it was far too late for maybes.

    The moment their hands reached for weapons, Tohno moved, knife blurring in a series of precise, surgical strikes.

    Only one or two blows were landed on each man: after all, with four of them and one of her, she had not the time for more. But it was enough, as the strikes hit major arteries, tendons, anything that would instantly slow a man. The simple sequence didn’t eliminate them, but it did buy her time.

    And time was all she needed.

    The large German, kneeling as a result of his slit hamstring, saw a blur of metal approaching him from the side before the tip of Tohno’s knife punched through the thin side of his skull, instantly killing him. The man to his right swung wildly, a blow that Tohno easily ducked under, with a quick move of her arm jerking his head back beyond its limits, shattering his neck instantly.

    Shunting his body to the side at an approaching enemy, she dashed sideways, knocking the feet out from under another with a swift kick, ending his life with a clean stab between the ribs, puncturing his heart.

    Throwing his fallen comrade off him, the last man looked around the room in fear.

    He was the only one left alive - the rest of his team were dead, annihilated by that blood-soaked demon.

    In that moment, discipline broke, and the man ran, making for the exit, seeking to at least save his own skin and warn his employer.

    Frankly, that he expected that to work was almost comical. Before he took two steps, Tohno’s eyes were on him, staring with singleminded focus at his back. He took a third step as she spun her knife, her arm rearing back to strike.

    He didn't have time for a fourth, for the moment he tried, her blade buried itself in his kidney, sending him sprawling to the floor.

    For a fleeting instant, he intended to plead for his life, but a shoe to the neck ended that.

    Then it was over.

    She stood in the field of bodies, arms soaked with blood as she stared down at her victims. And just as abruptly as it had come upon her, the demon inside her disappeared, leaving her a normal girl.

    A scared little girl in a field of corpses.

    With a snap, she bolted for an exit.

    She raced down empty hallways, wondering why, what, where, when, how? What had happened back there? Where had that instinct come from? She was… was she a murderer? Why were those men after her? How...the questions kept echoing in her mind as her feet pounded the pavement, running somewhere, anywhere but here.

    Arriving at an exit, she made a final push, trying to get away from that nightmare.

    But she could not, as the exit was blocked.

    Barring the way to freedom stood another girl, one barely a few years older than her, dressed in a style dead long ago: a white kimono, covered by a red leather jacket. Her jagged-cut hair, in addition to the odd choice of clothing, suggested a person who could care less for the rest of the world. But none of that caught Tohno's attention. What did were the eyes. Dead pools of grey that could not lack any more emotion than they already did. Unreflecting mirrors, windows to the void, to an infinite abyss.

    And the abyss was staring into her.

    A pained scream escaped her lips. “Wh-who are you?!”

    The woman grinned back ferally.

    “Who are you? Do you know anything? About yourself?”

    How? Tohno wondered. How did she know? It was true: past four years ago, her mind was a blank. No memory existed of her childhood, of parents… just a memory of waking up to a blank ceiling.

    Her face showed her thoughts plainly, as the other continued. “Do you want to know?”

    “I don’t know… nobody knows!” Tohno screamed back. “It’s lost!”

    The woman made a small scoffing noise, reaching for something inside her jacket. She held up the object. A small folding knife, made from black lacquered wood, unmarked and unnotable, save for a spiral metal hinge and a few characters inscribed on the side.

    Fire and screams on the moonlit night. Shouts, a forest and building burning down around her. Fear, death. Blood. A knife fallen in the night.

    “How do you…” Tohno’s voice was incredulous. How could it be? It was an object she’d only ever seen in a nightmare, only within her mind.

    “I can show you your past. Well, not that easily, and I don’t know all of it, but I know how to reach it. Wanna come with me?”

    “I have a life… friends… school…”

    The woman gave a jerk of her head. “Back there. There are five men that you killed. You think that you can escape that? They’re coming for you. I know how to avoid them. Stay here, and spend the rest of your life a ghost in prison. Or come with me.” Having made her speech, she turned, walking away without an apparent care.

    She was right, Tohno thought. What did she really have here? A false life, without any connection to the rest of the world… and a jail cell waiting for her. It would hurt Arihiko… but, but it was not enough to convince her to stay. That woman knew. She knew what lay beyond four years ago.

    Tohno ran to catch up.




    Comments: On the whole, pretty good. You could use a bit more work on flow and breaking up paragraphs to emphasize certain sentences or images, but you're getting there. Keep at it, and I look forward to seeing more.

  2. #82
    Kamen Rider fan-writer Xamusel's Avatar
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    Oh yeah, Alf, remember that snippet from earlier? I happen to be referring to the Gundam one on this thread that I sent... when do you think you'll get to it?

    Do you need me to quote it?

  3. #83
    Kamen Rider fan-writer Xamusel's Avatar
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    Okay, sorry for bumping the thread, but I have something on topic that I need help with (just part of the whole prologue for a Fate crossover with a pretty obscure RPG, nothing much, but I don't have the whole prologue finished yet... and this is 66 words over the limit as it is out of what I had typed for here and more than that total (3515 words typed) just so you know).

    You don't need to know what the crossover is at the moment, but I would like it if I had some help with cleaning this up, as it's an older document that I just got back to writing.




    Prologue

    The day of the Fuyuki Fire to 10 years later

    Flames... destruction of an entire area of town. That was my first real memory in my re-forged life... my life forged in the fires of Hell.

    I had walked from one part of the area to another, seeing all the corpses laying all around me, and feeling that I was the biggest case of survivor all around. I only remember one thing from my previous life: my given name is Shirou, and I was named whomever my birth-parents were.

    The fire as if it were Hell on Earth, the sky that was threatening to burst open, and my life was on the verge of ending within the inferno that was almost about to consume me. With a final trudge, I pushed onward, though the screaming that I heard crying for help would remain silent to me for the rest of my life.

    Soon, I tripped over a body and fell onto the ashen ground. I turned myself upright, facing the burning sky, and saw a face over me. The face belonged to a man, but the man was also on his last legs. As his empty eyes gazed into my own, a wonderful thing happened. A smile crossed that worn face. One of pure happiness and joy. With a shaking hand he brought a beautiful light close to me. I couldn’t gaze upon its radiance, but its warmth entered my aching chest and eased the pain even slightly. And then, as if he’d just expended the last of his strength, the nameless man fell atop me and died. I could feel his warmth flee the rest of the way, then not knowing that he had died, and would stay dead.

    As I was about to drift into what I thought would be my end, I heard footsteps in the distance, possibly other survivors, I first thought. That was when I heard voices in a foreign language, possibly a language that hadn't been heard in a long time. As the voices came my way, I could tell that they were looking for something, or someone, for that matter.

    I heard a strange voice say, "Damn... another pile of corpses, and nothing like what we're looking for within it, either."

    I heard a man say something, a regal tone of voice befit of royalty. I tried looking for him, however, but to no avail; the man who died on top of me was blocking my vision.

    I could’ve sworn that there was more to be said, but I was slowly losing consciousness. As I was losing my grip on reality, I could feel a man grab me, as if he were my lifeline. For whatever reason, I felt at peace, because I believed this man would be my salvation.

    …I had no idea what my father had done… my life was going to be major chaos after that point, and nothing could have prepared me.

    (Sakura POV)

    I… I couldn’t believe it. I lost my freedom, I lost my rights as a human being, everything! It was all because one man, a man who was kind enough to consider me as a person and who wanted me returned to my family, had lost his in the twisted tournament called the Holy Grail War, losing his chance to free me, a now-caged bird. I was given the mark of slavery, and I was essentially used goods, no respectable Magus would really want to tutor me for fear of what “Grandfather” would do to them for trying to teach me how to no longer be the way he was molding me.

    Still, I would love it if I were living with Nee-san again, even if it were only for a short bit. The fun we would have together...

    (Flashback - 1.5 years prior - 3rd Person POV)

    A pair of young girls were playing together, one a year older than the other, both with black hair, though the older one had aqua eyes instead of the younger sister’s normal blue. As they had managed to go through the fifth round playing tag, they began to notice that the park was growing eerily quiet. What they didn’t know was that the park was closing early for the day, and their parents had forgotten all about them in the rush to get back home, only for them to remember well too late what they were supposed to remember.

    As the sisters, for that’s what they are, were trying to find a way back to their parents, the elder trying to put on a brave face, though that didn’t work out so well, as she said, “Don’t worry, Sakura, we’ll find our way out, I promise.”

    “Really, nee-san?” Sakura asked her older sister in hope of being able to find a way out, because of the fact that she was worried that their parents had abandoned them forever.

    “Yes, Sakura, I promise!” the elder sister declared with confidence she didn’t really feel. I mean, who could blame her? She too felt that they were abandoned by their parents and left alone to fend for themselves.

    While they were trying to find the exit, a blue-haired and blue-eyed boy came from around the corner behind them, though seeing the two together made him wonder what was going on. This boy, Matou Shinji, was hoping that they would try to get home soon, because the park became infested with his grandfather’s familiars at a certain hour to get some fresh air away from the basement.

    Hoping to ensure that the two lived, Shinji called out to them, “Hey, Tohsaka Rin, Tohsaka Sakura!”

    Turning to Shinji, Rin replied, “Yes, Matou-san? What is it?”

    As Shinji was thinking of how to convince them to get out, he then realized that there was a bunch of his grandfather’s worms coming from behind him, so he says urgently, “You have to get out of here now! A bunch of scary guys are coming this way!”

    Sakura, at hearing this, tilts her head in confusion before asking, “Scary guys?”

    Before Shinji could clarify what the mystic worms were like, Rin asks in a straightforward tone, “Is this some kind of game?” Seeing Shinji look at her incredulously, she clarified, “I saw you before with some other boys. You made stuff that went away when you shined a flashlight on it.”

    Shinji, for all his fear, was more shocked that he was seen around those boys his grandfather had hired to set up the fog machines to hide the true nature of the park’s new residents for the nights ahead. He was about to retort when he realized that this could be a good way to get them out of there. After thinking over his response clearly enough, he said to the two of them, “Y-yes, it’s a game I thought of, but the fog machines weren’t part of it originally. Now, the purpose of the game is to get to an exit that isn’t the main entrance and flee from the area and hurry home, not saying that you ran in a game but that you ran from a group of monsters made by Matou Zouken.”

    Rin, for all her limited knowledge on the outside world, knew that Matou Zouken was not someone to take lightly. Given that she wanted nothing to do with him, and given that it was entirely possible for him to create those monsters, she decided to go along with Shinji’s idea. Turning to Sakura, she asked her, “Do you mind if we play with Matou-san? I hope that we can have some enjoyment out of this, but please follow his instructions at the end.”

    Sakura replied to this, “Yes, nee-chan, I will.” As soon as she said this, Shinji grabbed both of them by their arms and dragged them away from the main entrance while they both yelled, “WHAT?!”

    “Come on, now, RUN!!” Shinji yelled at them while dragging them away from the place that he knew would be completely flooded by mystic worms while he decided to find the best place away from the worms.

    After 20 minutes of running around the park, with Shinji being perfectly aware of what was going on at those exits, they finally found an exit that was free from the worms, though Shinji was starting to get worried about the worms following them. He hoped that they were far enough behind them to not get to the two with him, but that was when he felt something strange... something he probably shouldn’t have, considering he felt he didn’t have Magic Circuits. When he realized that he felt this before with his grandfather’s biggest worm monstrosity, and that it was heading for in front of them, he urgently held the two sisters that were running towards the exit before they could reach the exit.

    When Rin and Sakura turned to face Shinji to berate him for holding them back, they heard a wiggling thing come up from in front of the gateway, which caused them to turn their heads to see what was possibly the biggest worm that they’d ever seen in their entire lives. They were about to scream in fear when Shinji pulled them over to the trees and whispered harshly, “Wait here, I don’t want you to get hurt by that thing...”

    Rin, unsure of how this was going to play out, whispered frantically, “Are you out of your MIND, Matou?! How come you feel like you know how to beat this thing?!”

    Shinji, being honest enough to get his true wording out, replied, “A Matou has to clean up after a Matou.” Then, after thinking it over for a bit, he said, “Besides, I know this thing has a weakness, I just need to find it.” After getting the two sisters to safety, he instructed, “Climb up the trees and get to a part where you can go on top of the wall, then carefully run across so that you can get to safety. I’ll hold it off!” Before Rin could complain, he frantically said, “Just hurry, before it gets you!”

    After a shared look between Rin and Sakura, they hurried over to climb the trees, both getting away from the giant worm that threatened to eat them after eating Shinji. While that was going on, they noticed that Shinji needed some sort of help to get out of this mess, but they were focused on escaping at the moment. When they got to the top of the wall, they carefully ran on top of it so that they could get back home from there, with hardly anything going on wrong at that point for them... but not so for Shinji.

    (End Flashback - Present Day - Sakura POV)

    Shinji... what happened to spare your life? I hope it wasn’t some sick joke on your part that was for me to give you my trust, that would be the cruelest thing anyone could have pulled off. The joke, if it is one, is not worth my time, in any stretch of the word. If it is not a joke, then I want you to clarify for me what it really is.

    Nee-san, I hope you understand what I’m going through, but why wasn’t it you who was in my place? If anything, it would show just what sort of sick man I’m raised under with Shinji... so why? Why didn’t Father let you leave instead of me?

    All that and more… are what I’d want to ask, but I can’t, for more than the obvious reasons. The life I lead now, that of Matou Sakura, is one under the control of Matou Zouken, a wretched man who wants human suffering, if anything. What I’d give to escape from that man’s grasp... perhaps I’d be able to find a boy that wouldn’t care about my past and would be able to set me free--

    “SAKURA!” I hear the barking of “Grandfather” from within his chambers, wanting me for something else in his elaborate scheme… figures, Shinji is unable to participate in the next War, if it were to actually happen so soon, and I’m the only viable option left for “Grandfather”.

    With not a bit of hesitation, I walk on towards my personal Hell, hoping that he’d go easy towards me… somewhat.




    Any thoughts on this?

  4. #84
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle whosaidthat's Avatar
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    One thing I like to share is my intense dislike of the tags like "XXX POV" or "FLASHBACK/END FLASHBACK". It's almost as ridiculous as those "applause" or "laugh" panels some old shows (or parody of shows) have, as if I'm not going to do that when trully appropriate.
    Fate/Core Hero [Fate Stay Night/???]


  5. #85
    Kamen Rider fan-writer Xamusel's Avatar
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    Well, considering it's more than one Point of View in the entire thing, and that flashbacks are needed here to describe what happens in my interpretation of the events...

    Yeah, I can understand what you're trying to say, about how ridiculous it is... but it's necessary.

  6. #86
    Kamen Rider fan-writer Xamusel's Avatar
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    Noted... I think that was an error I forgot to correct beforehand, Gauss, in regards to what you quoted second.

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