Let us tell the story of a man. The tale of a man who, more then anyone else, believed in his ideals, and by them was driven to despair..
“Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time for...”
THE FOURTH HOLY GRAIL WAR
“Hiii everybody! I’m Irisviel von Einzburn!” Irisviel waved to the camera.
“And I’m Kotomine Risei.” Risei said.
“That’s right! It’s time for the fourth annual Holy Grail War!” Irisviel said, “Let’s meet our lucky contestants!”
“This... this...” Kiritsugu hadn’t been able to to say anything since the contest started... so he just quietly stared at Irisiviel.
“Master! Why are we doing this? I thought this was a battle not a game!” Saber shouted
“Humph. Such mongrels will fail quickly to me.” Gilgamesh brushed his hair to the side.
“Victory is ours.” Tokiomi sipped from a wine glass
“Are... you an alcoholic or something? You always have a glass with you....” Gilgamesh said quietly.
“WAHAHAHA! Look Boy! This world has some interesting contests no?” Rider said.
“Uugggg Riiider! Stop yelling! We’re on TV damnit!”
“JEANNE! JEANNE!” Caster jumped out of his seat, flying towards Saber, “At last we’re reunited my precious-” Whmp, his face met Saber’s foot. Then he was shot in said face by Kiritsugu. Fortunately, he was a Servant so mundane weapons only irritated him.
“Caster! For the last time I am not Jeanne D’arc! She wears a circlet, has longer hair, and is bloody French!”
“Huh. I’m used to being talked about on TV... but not actually being on it. Hi kiddies!” Ryuunosuke waved.
“Hiiii Sakura... look.. Uncle Kariya’s on TV... hiiiii.” Kariya would have waved, but he suddenly had a worm induced seizure.
“███!!! ███!!!” Berserker said. It was quite eloquent.
“Emiya Kirigutsu... what drives you to be on this....?” Kotomine said.... while taking pictures of Kirigutsu. “Into the scrapbook they go Assassin.”
“Yes Master.” Assassin #26 said.
“Humph. Lancer, we will surely attain victory. I swear it on the El-Melloi name.”
“And I will give the Grail to you... however....”
“Yes Lancer?”
“Your fiance’s hand is on my butt, again.”
Kayneth sighed... “Just... just endure, Lancer.”
“Now remember people! This is a very important competition!” Irisviel said.
“Yes this will befit the dignity of Heroic Spirits.” Reisei said. “It will be a long and difficult-”
“OK! Drawn the first straw, the first competition is Twister!” Irisviel said cheerfully.
Six Servant’s eyes twitched. (It was hard to see of Berserker’s did too)
~---------------------~
“Let us never speak of what just happened again.” Rider said quietly.
“Indeed.” Saber said.
“I have to admit, how did he managed to turn the game mat into a weapon like that?” Lancer looked over to Berserker.
“Penalty.” Resei said.
“█!!” Berserker groaned.
“.....damn you Tokiomi... this is your fault, I know it.”
~---------------------~
Round 2: Spin the Bottle.
“What childishness is this?” Saber snapped, “I thought this was the Holy Grail War, not a teenager’s slumber party.”
“Behold the King’s power Saber!” Gilgamesh laughed, “I bribed the producers! It was so trival to get them to agree to this.”
“Ah I see. Money is power.. clever indeed Archer!” Rider said.
“The rules are simple, one will spin the bottle, then they must kiss the one it points to, or else they lose a point!” Irisviel said, “Get ready Saber! You’re first.”
“....why me!?” Saber said.
“Producers, bribing. I thought I explained this.” Giglamesh said.
“I’m trying to ignore you.”
“A...chance... to kiss... Jeanne!” Caster began drooling, “OH THANK YOU GOD! YOU HAVE NOT FORSAKEN US!”
“Him too.”
“Ah just get it over with Saber.” Rider patted her on the shoulder, “After all, we’re not unattractive men here...”
“JEANNE!”
“Well, most of us, anyways. So what’s the worst that can happen?”
“PLEASE SPIN IT JEANNE! I NEED YOUR AFFECTION!”
“That.” She pointed to Caster.
“Hm. Good point. Ah well, life is not without risks no?”
“Fine... I have no choice if I am obtain he grail.” Saber took the bottle in her hands, looked at the six other Servants, and spun i.
Spin spin spin...
“Come on.. it must be me...” Gilgamesh whispered.
Spin spin... stop!
“████!?” It pointed at Berserker. “█████████!!!!” He slowly backed away.
“Berserker, come back here! I must kiss you!” Saber jumped of.
“███!!!!” Berserker turned around and ran.
“Come back here and kiss me damnit!”
~---------------------~
Round 3: Musical Chairs.
“This is a joke, right?” Waver said.
“I... I don’t think so....” Tokiomi said.
The Seven Servants were walking around six chairs as obnoxious music played.
Finally, it stopped...
“Now Rider!” Waver shouted.
“Right!” Rider turned around to leap into a seat, only to see Assassin already sitting in front of him! He moved to the left! Only to... see Assassin already sitting there?”
“....well, this is new.”
Assassin was sitting in all six seats.
“Uhh... I guess Assassin wins.” Resei said.
“Oh well, next game is-” Irisviel reached
“IRI! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!” Kirigutsu screamed.
“Oh... this?” What was Irisviel wearing? A tight blue leotard, with the middle cut out in a diamond to expose her navel, fishnet stockings and high heeled shoes, complete with a pair of bunny ears on her head. “The producers said the show needed some ‘fanservice’ whatever that is... so they had me put this on and well.
“Well hello there miss.” Rider appeared in front of her, a wide grin on his face, as he took her hand. “It’s a pleasure to be here with you, you know?”
“Oh yes it is a fascinating thing, I’ll admit...” Irisviel giggled. “The world is such a facinating place.”
“Hah, yes it is. I remember when I was on my campaign when I-”
“Riiiiddderr what are you doing!” Waver shouted, “Her hus-” He got flicked in the forehead by Rider. “Owwww!!”
“Not now boy. I’m having a chat with this lovely lady.” Rider turned back to Irisviel, “Now as I was saying....”
Waver’s eyes widened as he saw a small dot appear on the ground... moving around, over his chest... before finally landing on his forehead. He looked up... and saw Kirigutsu pointing a sniper rifle at him. “RIIIIIDDDERRRR Please stop!”
~---------------------~
Round 4: Tug of War.
“Stupid Rider...” Waver rubbed the bandage on his head..
“Now then,” Irisviel said (still in the bunny suit) “Pairs of Servants will pull on the rope until one falls into the pit here, then they’ll be eliminated and the winners will pair off until the end of this round.”
“This will be easy enough.” Lancer took his hand the rope, “So your my opponent this time? He nodded at Berserker. “Don’t take it personally, but for my Lord, I will defeat you today!”
“█████!” Berserker grabbed the rope.... which then began to glow.
“Huh... wait what are you-” Lancer was pulled back... along with entire robe.
“█████████!! █████████!!!” Berserker swung the rope around, with Lancer still attatched.. “██████████████████!!!” WHAM WHAM. He slammed Lancer into the pit twice before spinning it around some more. “█████! █████████! ██!!” He flung the rope... and Lancer... out of the stage.
KA-BOOM!!
“Lancer died!” Saber said.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !” Sola felt true despair.
“You’re not human!” Gilgamesh said to Berserker.
~---------------------~
Round 5: ….
“Kings Game!” Irisviel said.
“I am already a King.” Gilgamesh scoffed.
“I am also a King.” Saber said.
“I’m a King too.” Rider said.
“......” Irisviel and Reisei stared at them.
“Tiebreaker!” Risei shouted.
Round 5: Tiebreaker
“The three of you will have to climb Aggro Crag.” Risei said. “We got it on loan from Nickelodeon. So get those bungee cords on.”
“Such a trival task.” Gilgamesh said.
“Indeed.” Rider said.
“The Kings treasures always have what I need!” Gilgamesh pulled Vimana out of the Gate of Babylon.
“Come forth! Gordius Wheel!” Rider called out his divine chariot...
~---------------------~
“You both lose.” Risei said.
“Why!?” Gilgamesh screamed.
“You’ll noticed I said climb the Aggro Crag. Not ‘ride to the top with your Noble Phantasm’”
“I won Kirigutsu!” Saber gave her Master a thumbs up.
“....” Kirigutsu began to cry.
~---------------------~
And so it continued... endless battles, endless games, all twisted and in the end... could only bring despair.
A small golden cup had appeared, sitting on a pedestal.
“That is...” Rider said.
“The holy grail!” Tokiomi said.
“That... that is the cause of all this...” Kirigutsu whispered.
“At last... after all this time...” Saber walked to the grail. “At last...”
“Saber...” Kirigutsu held up his hand... “By the right of this command spell, I command you... destroy the Holy Grail!”
“What!?” Every other Master and Servant (Except Lancer, who was dead) said at once.
“What... why would you...” Yet Saber had no choice, she lifted Excalibur... and sliced the Grail in half.
*Pop*
“What the...” Saber stared at the thing that had appeared from the grail.
“Ah, thank you.” Neco-Arc Chaos said. “It was getting cramped in there.” He took a puff of his cigar, “Hmm... this one’s done.” He threw the butt away onto the ground.
And then everything instantly burst into flames.
“..oops, my bad.” Neco-Arc Chaos said.
~---------------------~
In the end, one boy was saved from the fire by this man... and then... ten years later.
Saber entered the Emiya household, her eyes wide and almost tearful. Irisviel and Kirigutsu were eating dinner. “Ah hello Saber, welcome back.” Irisviel said cheerfully, “Did you and our children have fun?”
“Shiroudestroyedtheholygrailandthenagiantrocketapp earedandnowhe’sgone!!”
“.......what?” Irisviel said.
Kirigutsu facepalmed, “Godammnit.”
End.
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Originally Posted by Elf
