Create your own Modern Fiction Servants

[venomking]

True name: Stephen King.
class:castor.
Strength:c. luck:a agilty:c endurance:e mana:a

Personallty: he is always carefree, and will attempt to scare his master in a way taht is purely meant for fun, even thou he is an extremely weak servent who could be beaten by even teh lowest mages in a physical confrontation, he still never takes a situation more sersioly then has to, likes do to his weakness, however this is nota. Demeanor he and in life, but one he devoloped as a servant.

Personal skills:
Item construction(c) he does not posses by item construction, rather just the abilty to build books, however to him being able to build books, is an extreme adavantge for him.

King of horror: his knowledge in wrighting scary books, allows him to scare any servent who doesn't have mana resistance, but it only works once, after all a horror story is not scary the second time.

Combat: he his exe truly weka and can be beaten by the lowest of mages in physical confrontation, rather eh rifle is on his powerful phanatsm and cunning to keep him alive, of course that some phanatsm could be the thing that kills him.

NP:
the books of nightmares E~EX
this abilty allows him to bring to being the weapons, monster, or killer from any book, written by him, this can be simply a story eh wrought a coupele weeks before a battle, whoever do to teh nature of these weapons, monsters, or murders, they will often turn on him, and rather will just kill anything that moves, but they'll natrully go after the stronger servant.

the nightmare of the King of horror: E~EX
this is the abilty to create a reality marvel, in which his very existence is rewritten trying him to the killer or monster, and raises his stats to that of the highest leval servents. In this world his abilty is all up to teh story he was most interested at the time. And thus the phatanams he is given in this world, is entirely up to the story he wa smash thinking about, even if hadn't actully written it.

[RoydGolden]

For one thing, you really ought to be fixing up your old Servants before churning out new ones. That said, this is quite possibly the best (relatively speaking) one you've done so far, that isn't either absurdly wanked or with any obviously unjustifiable/unfitting Skills. For that reason, I'll actually try to critique it semi-seriously.

Physical stats (minus Endurance) are way too high for both a Caster and such a modern figure with (far as I know) no exceptional athletic feats. He pretty much should have straight Es physically, and Luck is peculiarly high as well (again, I don't know that much about King's life but I've never heard of him being particularly lucky, much less at the level of mythical heroes who challenged fate). Mana at A I'll forgive since he is a Caster and weak just about everywhere else. (Plus Andersen had it at EX so who knows?)

Just being able to make books shouldn't give him a rank in Item Construction higher then E, unless the books have magical properties or something. King Of Horror Skill is kind of goofy. I see why you wanted to go with that sort of idea but just being able to scare someone in itself shouldn't qualify as a Skill. If you clarify it's through explicitly supernatural means, then I suppose it'd be okay but... I'd still prefer something a little more interesting. For instance, maybe the Skill could let him bypass his Mana ranking to cast spells through the fear of the target rather then his own magical energy? (Also meaning you could lower his Mana while still keeping him a threat)

The sentence under Combat is overly rambling and pretty much unintelligible, so I'd suggest reworking that one outright.

NPs are, for once, fine. A little wanked maybe, but they do at least fit his legend. How that's for feedback?

[venomking]

Thx, i am going to edit, them, but you'll have to wait tell tomrow, type teh sheets teh easy, but on my tablet when I go to edit something it glitches out, and I ant got no idea why. I'll probably just remove Washington and put her in teh proper creat your own servent, I already lowered Mitsubishi shi just need to add some serious gramitcak fixes to that, maybe add some more detail for her time with emiya. Also how do you think of me changeling cains importantly to were things like gea dreg and gea bold could kill, basicly curses that don't heal can kill him? And any suggestions for Mitsubishi shi?

[Kyte]

Nobody cares for your excuses. If you can't quality check'em then don't post'em until you can. Nobody's waiting for you to post.

In fact, I suspect most would rather not see you post.

[venomking]

Yay got my tablet fixed now I can edit.

[venomking]

alright I litterly edited all my sheets, except for king, ill do him soon, i have ideas for him, that need cultivation.

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pleas critique them now.

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whilest i go and play fate extra, and try to beat stupid gawin. its so hard to kill him, ugg i almost wish fro vlad, almost i freaken hate his master.

[RoydGolden]

From a brief skim across the last few pages, it doesn't seem like you've edited them all that much. And did you just delete Washington?

[venomking]

no, im pasting her to the approiat creta yornown servent, and i fixed cain, and ustushi.

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i didnt really do much with Cain, ill admit , fixed some grammatical errors, and change the full immortal, to being able to be killed specif type of weapon.

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but utushi shi should much better.

[Arashi_Leonhart]

class; assassin.

true name:

Utsukushi shi

No

gender:#female.

strength:#A

endurance: B

mana: EX

NP: EX, B.

expl

You're missing entire stats.

Utsukushi

humunclues

sp

kirstugu

sp

emiya

the Mage killer.

During her early life she was trained in combat and was given basic learning.

v
By whom?

emiya

shuorou

sp

On her first mission she was assigned to kill emiya shuorou, during a heated battle which took about 7 days emiya along with rin were able to finally beat her.

cs

emiya's

emiya

great Mage war

emiya

Angara Maru

sp

Create

During this fight Utsukushi began to fall for him in a completely motherly way, and decided to become emiya's shield , she would later join emiya during the great Mage war, her skills become extremely useful, however she was killed years before emiya was betrayed, during a fight against a god like being similar to Angara Maru summoned by a group of mages attempting to summon Hephaestus in order to use his blacksmith abilities to Create there own phantasm she in her dying state made a pact with the counter force and used that power to slay Hephaestus before immediately dying.

run-on

Appearance: she

is about 6"1

Wow, that's impressive, a six inch Servant.

she is about 6"1, she tends to dress similar to

cs

kirstugu

sp

neck less

This sure stands out in a setting drawn by Takashi Takeuchi.

emiya

shourou

sp

She has long jet black hair, going to her shoulder blades she ha seed eyes, as sight of her

fused

humanclues

sp

Her build is muscled while highly feminin.

sp
exp

Personally: she

often withdraws her emotions during fights, but can tend to be an emotional wreck outside of the battlefield, her wish for the Grail

run-on/fused/cs

emiya

Personal skills:

circular mana: she

turns her entire nerves system into a single manic circuit while simultaneously using regeneration to heal the damage, this skill comes at the cost of extreme pain, but she always uses it no matter what.

run-on/fused/cs

class

wc

presence concealment b

class.

wc

reinforcement

class.

wc

tracing b

class.

wc

Time prayer: it

is higher form

inc

of time alter

with exchange

inc

of also stopping her hearts

And she has multiple hearts? Amazing.

time prayer in order to develop a plan

run-on

and react to any attack coming her way by using it right before an attack occurs, it has a 5 second cool down, and requires her to put her hands as if in payer for activation.

run-on

Noble phantasm:

Blessed and cursed hand.

classed

wc

personal

wc

it's basic ability

wc

is to turn whatever object she is touching into a an

Where to begin...

A class

wc

with a secondary ability to decrease the rank of an opponents phantasm by 1 rank per strike to NP.

expl

She got this no from her deal with the counter force.

uncl

whisk sues it

uncl, punctuation

Regeneration, b

class

wc

she

Body of she who shalt not be stopped:

shalt

tense

personal

wc

reinforcement to reinforce

red

her body's creasing all her stat pare enters to EX class,

sp, wc

to EX class, it comes at the cost of extreme pain,

cs

np

at anytime ether

sp

only in a dire situation , were she truly believes she will die.

tense

shot of no defense

it is a bullet

tangent

wc

with Thompson contender

inc

with Thompson contender, It has the

cs

one of the first magic is to distort space

mixed

to make so that any defense

inc

against opponents who really on

wc

nps.

The Mage killer: d

class

wc

it

Mage

of every weapon she to kill a

inc

Mage

aped

wc

Combat: she is

archive victory.

wc

cursed and blessed hand

There, critique you so desperately wanted. Fix all of that before you even come to ask for all of the lore you have wrong.

[Neir]

why did you even do that

[Arashi_Leonhart]

I've been snowed in all week, I'm restless.

[Neir]

would you be better off just like, hammering a nail through your dick?

[venomking]

Ok, I can see why you want me to fix the gramitcak errors, but what do you mean by all the other stuff? I cam also see teh run ons.

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Actully, my lore is not wrong. How can it be? After all she's meant to be part of an unlikely future in Whig the war emiya fought in and died in was great Mage war, in which each side relied on servant level masters. And do to the fate universe havering invested heavily in
ossicle futures, alter net realities and the such, there is no reason my lore is wrong. I just took liberties with the whole possible future thing, while still not going out of the range of possibilities.

[Neir]

Ok, I can see why you want me to fix the gramitcak errors, but what do you mean by all the other stuff? I cam also see teh run ons.

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Actully, my lore is not wrong. How can it be? After all she's meant to be part of an unlikely future in Whig the war emiya fought in and died in was great Mage war, in which each side relied on servant level masters. And do to the fate universe havering invested heavily in
ossicle futures, alter net realities and the such, there is no reason my lore is wrong. I just took liberties with the whole possible future thing, while still not going out of the range of possibilities.

just say your sheet is based on absolutely nothing and we'll have no problems

[Nuclear]

ossicle futures

So that's why Britain was boned from the get-go.

[Arashi_Leonhart]

Actully, my lore is not wrong. How can it be?

gender:female

Why is a female a clone of a male?

strength:A
endurance: B
mana: EX
NP: EX, B.

Missing entire attributes.

as an attempt to recreate

Who created this person? If you just say "they exist" then no, the lore is wrong because, guess what? All characters come from somewhere.

recreate the Mage killer

Nobody in their right mind would want to "recreate" Kiritsugu. He was a nobody that just so happened to be good at killing people. There's nothing about him that any mage would go, "Hey, he's special!"

summoned by a group of mages attempting to summon Hephaestus in order to use his blacksmith abilities to Create there own phantasm

What mage would even do that, and why?

she is about 6"1

Assuming you meant 6' 1", why is she that tall if she's a clone of a guy that was 5' 8"?

circular mana: she turns her entire nerves system into a single manic circuit

From what "lore" does this come from? If you say "Shirou turning his nerves into circuits" then I will once more direct you to read the visual novel.

class

No.

presence concealment

Not a Personal Skill.

tracing b class.

This is not even a skill. I'll give you the Reinforcement since we now have EMIYA with his upgraded Magecraft --> Projection Magecraft, but this is not an actual skill.

Time prayer: it is higher form of time alter

Also not a skill.


TL;DR: Every reference you make is wrong. I recommend you go and read the visual novel Fate/stay night and light novel Fate/Zero to understand any and all actual references to Fate/stay night and Fate/Zero.

[RoydGolden]

Actully, my lore is not wrong. How can it be? After all she's meant to be part of an unlikely future in Whig the war emiya fought in and died in was great Mage war, in which each side relied on servant level masters. And do to the fate universe havering invested heavily in
ossicle futures, alter net realities and the such, there is no reason my lore is wrong. I just took liberties with the whole possible future thing, while still not going out of the range of possibilities.

The problem with basing a sheet completely independently from canon is that there's really no way to give feedback. You've essentially created a totally original character superficially based off of Kiritsugu Emiya, so how am I (or anyone) supposed to say "She shouldn't have this ability" or "she should have this ability" when you can just reply "In my version of events Kiritsugu did [X, Y and Z]"? Yes, you can play around with alternate universes and do whatever the heck you want. No one's stopping you, but you can't then expect people to critique your OCs based on the same standards you openly disregard. Either just write the damned fanfic and show us these characters in action (hopefully selling us on them) or don't.

[venomking]

It's fine possible furture, past is the same. And Also a clone can still be a girl, kinda like how sabers son is a girl, and don't say well saber ska. Girl as well. Because at the time she wa scooped saber was a guy. So technquelly sabers clone should be a guy. And her abilities are based on kritsugu but not entirely for example. She still sues modern weaponry, but for her it become a phantasm, I'll admit I don't how justify that, but also don't want to get rid of it. And they wanted summon Hephaestus to use his power, to create phantasm said for there side. Basically I didn't mean she's from an alternate universe, just an alternative future, that's it. After all alternate realities get really confusing. And it's less of a fanfic as much as a Fan manga, I'm just looking looking for an artist right now.

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Or another example was time alter, but we why just slow time when you found a way to stop it, sure with teh stopping of her heart, but regelation lets her live throu that. She also couldn't use orgion bullet so she spent years trying to creat something simpler and stumbled upon an anti defense spell, I'll admit I only added that in so she couple fight Hercules, using a gun.

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And also I added the extra inches, do to consent use of reinforcement on her body, kind like how if emiya uses projection for years it messes with his body, same for her just her hair don't turn white, nor does she magically gain a tan.

[Kyte]

Somebody already made the definitive servant kerry sheet anyways.

[Arashi_Leonhart]

Until he actually produces comprehensible English, I'm pretty sure we can just ignore all the lore problems since it's clear he can't actually write any reasoning anyway.