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Thread: Create your own Modern Fiction Servants

  1. #3461
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by venomking View Post
    Pleas critique.
    Your sheets are a little too dry to really inspire a lot of commentary, but I'll do my best.

    As usual for your stuff, I'll be quoting the post as a whole with my commentary in blue.

    Quote Originally Posted by venomking View Post
    True name: leather face.
    Class:berserker
    likes:flesh, pretty girls, killing things, and just a little torture to flavor his meat up.
    Dislikes: children, food that fights back, and food with diabetes(not sweet enough he mumbles under his breath more of a grunt then words.)

    backgorund: he was born to small cananbil family, with multiple mental and physical disorders leading to his being made fun of, one day a stupid kid pushed him to far, and he went berserker killing teh kid with his bare he ads and then eating the kid. However the horror movies only got his basic background and insanity right, in truth his history is far more complicated and sad then that, in fact in his high school years he dated a Mage(of course he didn't know was a Mage) named Candice, the relationship went rather well, untell the faithful day he showed Candice his family. She then revealed herself to be an enforcer of the Mage association, she attacked and almost killed leather faces family, however in attacking his family his insanity grew to new hights he quickly killed her, albeit he had to use surprise to do it, and was dieing in the process, that is when his family used there forbidden magic to heal his wounds, by ah wing him eat the flesh of a Mage, to be more precise they had him eat Candice's magic circuits, for a large majority of his life he killed multiple mages sent to kill him by the Mage association, eventually he was captured by a servant leval Mage but not before almost killing the Mage and really only lost cause he found the Mage to be pretty. A false trial was placed na she was quietly killed by the Mage association using high level magic.
    The backstory is a little interesting as an attempt at fitting him into Nasuverse lore. Cliche as all heck, but I'll give you points for effort at least.

    Personalty: in his actual life he was a very cunning sociopath, who tricked manny mages to there deaths, however do to the creation of the popular Texas chainsaw franchise his personality has been warped while he still cunning he far less so then he was in life, and he turned into far more of a monster then he was in life, for example he has taken a liking to torture despite absolutely hating the idea of torture in life. He also is extremely weak to girls he finds attractive, and as most female servant are attractive all a female servant would have to do to kill him, is simply play with that weakness, and pretend to like him, or tease him during combat.
    Hmm... I've never seen the movies, but is the character really that na´ve against girls? Because that weakness seems a bit too easy to exploit if all it takes to kill him is any female Master willing to play the flirt...

    Appearance: he wears a nice
    suit, and gray tie. His appearance has been warped to full fit his persona as leather face. So unlike in life he wears a mask made from human flesh, and his skin has become ostrich (ostrich? I don't normally comment on typos, but this is unintelligible enough to deserve note) of greenish. His build is shown to be extremely muscular in a way that is down right scary and he was that muscular in life, probs do to the magic he used.

    Stats:
    strength:
    A
    agility:
    D-
    mana:
    C
    endurance:
    A++
    luck:
    E

    Class skills:
    mad enhancement, B
    he is still an extremely insane person although his nature is that of a berserker to begin with the god when using mad enhancement he can still speak, but just not very well.

    Personal skills:
    sociopaths feel no pain, A
    this allows him to take attacks without even reacting to the pain, and only make him attacks it's more ferocity not at any pain, as he feels none, but at the simple fact that someone would dare attack him.
    One thing I've noticed across your works is that your Skill names don't read like Skill names. They sound more like generic phrases then anything. The mechanical side of Fate has always been based off D&D and other old-school RPGs, so use those as reference when coming up with and naming Skills. For this one, Resistance To Pain would sound far more fitting.

    Also, just one Personal Skill feels a bit sparse, even for a modern figure. Since you emphasized torture a bunch of times, wouldn't something like Torture Techniques or Sadistic Constitution fit here?

    NP
    chainsaw, rank A, type:anti personal, range:1
    even thou he never used a chainsaw in life, do to the existence of the chainsaw massacre movies, he know posses one and has extreme skill with it. It's ability is activated upon it cutting into the flesh of an enemy, and changes from him cutting off that part to it already being cut off, and requires a a luck check of B class to keep that body part from being cut off, however it's ability cannot be fully nullified, and even if they do pass the luck check the body part will still be rendered useless.
    So, it's basically Gae Bolg as a chainsaw but requiring the initial attack to connect first and not assuring a lethal blow? Fair enough. The name is just about as generic and unimpressive as possible, though. At the very least call it the Texas Chainsaw. Also, the rank is too high. Gae Bolg is pretty much this but superior in every way and with far more mythical basis, and it's only B. This should really be B or C+.

    flesh of my enemies heal and strengthen me, rank:A++, range: 1
    it is the magic he learned from his familly, it is a simple abilty that allows him to heal any wound regardless of what is, simply by eating human flesh, and increase his stats by half rank for every peace of flesh he eats, untell his strength A++
    And his other stats are all rank A.
    This isn't a bad idea, though it needs some more detail on how it works. For one thing, how fast is the healing process from eating human flesh? I presume just eating a tiny sliver isn't going to let him regen from getting half his torso vaporized or something ridiculous like that. And his stats going up for every bit of flesh eaten is going to make him really OP, really fast.

    I'd suggest having it so eating "normal" flesh only heals but doesn't power him up, and limiting the rank increase for the flesh of "special" beings like Heroic Spirits, Magi and what-not. That way, in a Grail War he'd have far more reason to be hunting after enemy Servants and Masters (and getting more and more powerful with each kill and subsequent consumption), which works a lot better narratively then just shanking a bunch of muggles off-screen before coming in with A++ stats.

    Also, the NP name doesn't really feel right to me. Too long and descriptive. I'd suggest something simpler like "Animalistic Consumption". The current name you can keep; just spin it off as a title instead. (Like Saber's NP is named Excalibur but the title is Sword Of Promised Victory).

  2. #3462
    lordofvenom venomking's Avatar
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    Thx.

  3. #3463
    lordofvenom venomking's Avatar
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    I have have edited, will you take one more look at it please?

  4. #3464
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by venomking View Post
    I have have edited, will you take one more look at it please?
    It's better now, yeah. Though the new NP you added is really strange. Genderswapping is weird enough, but changing their personalities as well is... to be honest, I think you're better off scrapping this one entirely. If you insist on keeping it, I'd limit the effects to just lowering parameters, sealing NPs or what-not. Also, who the heck is "Austria"?

    - - - Updated - - -

    Oh and, a minor thing but it's inconsistent how his first NP is classified Anti-Personnel while the second is Anti-Unit. Since they both mean pretty much the same thing, just sticking to one translation would work better. Also, a little odd for a Reality Marble to be Anti-Unit in the first place, especially since you noted it can apply to more then one person. Wouldn't Anti-Group make more sense?

  5. #3465
    lordofvenom venomking's Avatar
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    It's sabers real name, my tablet refuses to accept it, and I lost the battle of will. But it's a humor phanatsm. And it's basicly changing them to the common stereo types found in horror movies, and most servents would find themselves female, just for reasons unknown. It can only do it to one person, cause then I'd have to make EX. Since all he'd have to do is get all 7 servants together and it's a bloodbath with him being the killer.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Also naivety, no not in the movies, it has do with his magus self. Remaber he's been warped by the movies, but has no real connection to them, other then that they warped him, and used him as the main protag. It's like what happened with clad, or the phantam of the opera(I think he's assassin?)
    Last edited by venomking; March 16th, 2017 at 08:25 PM.

  6. #3466
    So I'd love to see my boy get some love


    Noctis Lucis Caelum

    As for Servant I'm working on images below spoil who it is.
    Images


    Proto Saber is best waifu
    Image


  7. #3467
    屍鬼 Ghoul AFanficWriter's Avatar
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    Name: Britannia
    Class: Ruler
    Alignment: Lawful Good


    STR: B
    END: A
    AGI: A
    MANA: EX
    LCK: A
    NP: A++

    Class Skills:
    Magic Resistance: A
    Goddess Divine Core: B
    True Name Discernment: B
    God's Resolution: B

    Personal Skills:
    Mana Burst: A
    Charisma: B
    Resolute Devotion: A

    Noble Phantasms:
    Trident of Poseidon: Divine Spear Of The Sea God - ?
    Avalon: Armor Of The Everdistant Utopia - ?
    Prydwen: Rule Britannia, Britannia Rule The Waves! - ?

    Identity:
    Ruler's True Name is Britannia, the personified Goddess of the British Isles and later the British Empire itself. A national personification turned into Heroic Spirit, summoned during World War 2 (a war which is in reality a Holy Grail War fought between nations for the right to have a wish granted by the grail) by Prime Minister Winston Churchill with the aide of the Queen of Great Britain.
    A young woman with golden hair, she was the epitome of British power and the trident that she carried, from which belonged to the God of the Sea, represents Britain's naval power.
    In reality, she's an Earth Mother Goddess summoned into the body of Artoria Pendragon who wielded a holy spear instead of a holy sword.


    Still have no clue on what to give on her NPs...

  8. #3468
    lordofvenom venomking's Avatar
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    true name:bonnie&clyde
    class: gunner.
    alternative classes: assassin, rider.
    alignment(both): lawful chaotic.

    bonnie:
    stats:
    strength:
    c
    endurance:
    d
    mana:
    a+
    agility:
    a
    personal skills:
    deceptive innocence, A+.
    a technique similar to castors master from FN, which makes it so the more a servant looks at her the more they underestimate her, it hides bloodlust, strength, and intelligence fully. altho it does use magic so magic resistance of b class can null it.

    gun enforcement: an interesting magic which allows her to enhance any gun, to allow it to shoot mana enhanced A++ bullets, which helped her kill many a mage.

    background: bonnie was in fact unknown to history a part of unwell known mage family, she was at some point of her life taken from her home by the mage association, to be trained in mage craft, in a secret program created to create assassins used to kill mages, of the 18 women and men, she showed the most promise, however during her first mission, she killed her "husband" who was really just a high class mage sent to watch her, however about 4 failed escape attempts the fifth one worked, and that is when she met clyde. while clyde was not a mage he did posses working mage circuits. bonnie fell helplessly in love with clyde and the two committed murders and robberies together that were in fact mage association menders and banks owned by the mage association, eventually the mage association ut a stop to them and killed them while they driving away from there hideout.

    personality: she is deceptive and intelligent, while also helplessly in love with clyde. she could be said to be the brains, and has a teasing and completely buesnness nature at the same time.

    clyde:
    strength:
    A+
    endurance:
    A++
    mana:
    E-
    agility:
    E.
    luck:
    A.

    personal skills:
    sharp shot: clyde is extremely good with guns, and posses and almost superhuman level of accuracy, do to this clyde can shoot any gun he comes accrues with perfect or better then perfect accuracy.

    background: clyde was a normal boy who was born in Texas, however unknown to him he was born with working mage circuits. he on one night ran into bonnie were the two fell in love, and decided to take revenge on the mage association, buy robbing there banks, and killing there members, eventually the mage association ambushed them while they were leaving there hideout and the two were killed.

    personalty. clyde's personality ist simple, it is that of the charming idiot he is the the brawn of the duo. and is also hopelessly in love with bonnie. he will call his master 'bossman or 'boss lady.

    NP:
    Some day they’ll go down together;
    And they’ll bury them side by side,
    To a few it’ll be grief— To the law a relief—
    But it’s death for Bonnie and Clyde. rank EX, type anti unit.
    this phantasm takes both the way they died and the famous poem written by bonnie herself, and dual summoned the other, ex: if bonnie is summoned the NP with activate and summon clyde. it also makes it impossible to kill them one by one, they must be killed together at the same time.

  9. #3469
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Hmm. Your sheets are definitely getting better over time. The flavor and backstory behind this one are actually pretty well-done and interesting, if I do say so myself. There's still a lot of problems though, but at least the core isn't rotten. Again, I'll quote your post and include my own feedback in blue.

    Quote Originally Posted by venomking View Post
    true name:bonnie&clyde
    class: gunner.
    alternative classes: assassin, rider.
    alignment(both): lawful chaotic. This alignment is contradictory and doesn't really make any sense. Chaotic Neutral or Evil would fit them a lot better, depending on how romanticized a take you want to go with.

    bonnie:
    stats:
    strength:
    c
    endurance:
    d
    mana:
    a+
    Even given that she's a Magus, this stat is too high. Keep in mind, EMIYA was a Magus as well and only had Mana- B. Also, you seem to have forgotten to include a Luck stat here.
    agility:
    a
    personal skills:
    deceptive innocence, A+.
    a technique similar to castors master from FN, which makes it so the more a servant looks at her the more they underestimate her, it hides bloodlust, strength, and intelligence fully. altho it does use magic so magic resistance of b class can null it.

    gun enforcement: an interesting magic which allows her to enhance any gun, to allow it to shoot mana enhanced A++ bullets, which helped her kill many a mage.
    Again, the basic idea isn't bad but A++ seems kind of like overkill.

    Also, the Skills section for both of them still seems a bit sparse. Given they were famous outlaws, Nature Of A Rebellious Spirit at B to C rank could easily fit in here. Since they were (at least to a point) beloved by the public even while they committed their crimes you could also give them some Charisma-like Skill ("Charming Rogue" or the like) that makes it so they maintain their popularity even while committing lawless actions.
    background: bonnie was in fact unknown to history a part of unwell known mage family, she was at some point of her life taken from her home by the mage association, to be trained in mage craft, in a secret program created to create assassins used to kill mages, of the 18 women and men, she showed the most promise, however during her first mission, she killed her "husband" who was really just a high class mage sent to watch her, however about 4 failed escape attempts the fifth one worked, and that is when she met clyde. while clyde was not a mage he did posses working mage circuits. bonnie fell helplessly in love with clyde and the two committed murders and robberies together that were in fact mage association menders and banks owned by the mage association, eventually the mage association ut a stop to them and killed them while they driving away from there hideout.

    personality: she is deceptive and intelligent, while also helplessly in love with clyde. she could be said to be the brains, and has a teasing and completely buesnness nature at the same time.

    clyde:
    strength:
    A+
    endurance:
    A++
    Why are these physical stats at an ungodly high rank? I mean, this guy is apparently as strong as and even tougher then freaking Heracles!
    mana:
    E-
    agility:
    E.
    luck:
    A.
    Given the way his legend ended, this seems a bit too high as well. B or C should be more then enough.
    personal skills:
    sharp shot: clyde is extremely good with guns, and posses and almost superhuman level of accuracy, do to this clyde can shoot any gun he comes accrues with perfect or better then perfect accuracy.

    background: clyde was a normal boy who was born in Texas, however unknown to him he was born with working mage circuits. he on one night ran into bonnie were the two fell in love, and decided to take revenge on the mage association, buy robbing there banks, and killing there members, eventually the mage association ambushed them while they were leaving there hideout and the two were killed.

    personalty. clyde's personality ist simple, it is that of the charming idiot he is the the brawn of the duo. and is also hopelessly in love with bonnie. he will call his master 'bossman or 'boss lady.

    NP:
    Some day they’ll go down together;
    And they’ll bury them side by side,
    To a few it’ll be grief— To the law a relief—
    But it’s death for Bonnie and Clyde. rank EX, type anti unit.
    this phantasm takes both the way they died and the famous poem written by bonnie herself, and dual summoned the other, ex: if bonnie is summoned the NP with activate and summon clyde. it also makes it impossible to kill them one by one, they must be killed together at the same time.
    This is pretty much just the Combination Skill with summoning two Heroic Spirits in a single container. Having it impossible to kill them except together is NP-worthy I guess, but it strikes me as a little generic. I'll cut you some slack since their legend doesn't exactly have any obviously NP-worthy feats in it (main reason I never wrote them up myself despite having a few ideas), but maybe do something to do with their legends of carjacking?
    - - - Updated - - -

    Also, I forgot to mention it amongst the other critiques but this one (unlike Leatherface) should really be in the mainline Create-A-Servant thread.

    Bonny & Clyde may be modern, but they are also historical figures and so don't belong in Modern Fiction.

  10. #3470
    AKA Leyeet massive_jojo_reference's Avatar
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    MAJOR SPOILERS FOR V FOR VENDETTA AHEAD

    The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain,
    for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.



    Height: 188cm
    Weight: 76kg
    Name: V
    Class: Assassin
    Alternate classes: Avenger
    Alignment: Chaotic good
    Natural enemy: Medb
    Wish for the holy grail: to create a world without the concept of government

    Strenght: B
    Endurance: A+
    Agility: B+
    Mana: D
    Luck: C
    NP: A++

    Backround

    Assassin was a normal man living in britain, however when Norsefire, A british far right government took over he was sent to a concetration camp where horrible experiments where done upon people in an effort to create super soldiers, This gave him Slightly Superhuman Reflexes and endurance, He was then let to be a gardener for camp officals. He used this opportunity to create a poison gas bomb from fertilizer and escape,
    He spent five years after that building his base and killing the officals from camp and ultimately to get revenge on norsefire government by blowing up the british parliament, which he accomplished and died shortly after.

    Personality: Assassin is a quiet and uninteresting man thus not much is known about his personality, Perfering only to speak if he needs to taunt his enemies or swear wildly, He has a rather ''unforgiving'' sense of justice, Seeing as he did not even flinch when killing people responsible for attrocities at the concetration camp.

    Class skills:

    Presence Concealment: D
    While he cannot physicaly conceal himself from his enemies he can go undetected because of his superhuman speed and agility.

    Personal skills:

    Extremist Mind: B
    A natural counter to Charisma, This skill is what makes Assassin calm under any sort of situation as long as he is focused on a single goal, And also protects him from mental interference.

    Noble Phantasm

    Vendetta, The intagible concept of idea incarnated (type unknown) A++
    The more people belive the idea the stronger it will become, The idea is a concept intagible, Yet Assassin's legend of endless rebellion Has let the very concept take on human form, a form that is incapable of being damaged, yet can wreak endless havoc upon the world, An idea is a concept that initiates change upon the world reminding people that all things, good or bad cannot last forever, And with this the assassin himself has become intagible, Yet capable of wreaking havoc as if he was the very idea itself, The only way to counter this noble phantasm is to become avare of that very idea and strenghten your mind against the idea of intagible and realize that there is a human behind the idea.
    (bassicaly, Nullified by Eye of the mind (true) Skill rank B or higher)

    (Also though i'd throw this in for shits and giggles)

    To Medb: What will you do? When your kingship fails you, When your steel that oppresses people breaks, And when the fear trembling of people turns into uncontroled anger, what will you do then?
    Last edited by massive_jojo_reference; July 30th, 2017 at 05:15 PM.

  11. #3471
    celestial prayer 34's Avatar
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    Class : Lancer
    Alternate Class : Berserker, Thrower
    Identity : Heiwajima Shizuo
    Origin : Naritaverse, Durarara!!
    Alignment : Chaotic Neutral


    PARAMETER
    STR : A+
    END : A+
    AGL : C
    MGI : E
    LCK : D
    NP : B+


    CLASS SKILL
    Magic Resistance : C+
    The skill that grants the person protection from magical effects by canceling the spell. At this rank, Lancer can cancel spells with 2 verses or below chant, but can still be affected by High-Thaumaturgy or Grand Ritual magecraft. Lancer also can cancel most mental interferences magecrafts or curses.


    PERSONAL SKILLS
    Battle Continuation : B
    The skill that represents a person’s ability to continue fighting even after receiving a fatal blow which would normally kill, also reduces mortality rate from injury and gives the mentality of unyielding will or doesn’t know when to give up. At this rank, Lancer can continue fighting even when his bones are crushed and received serious injury.


    Volatile Temper : B
    A skill that represents a person’s tendency to break into a Rage-mode, and also the ability to concentrate and focus their rage and bloodlust against their target. This skill is granted to short-tempered persons who are really easily to provoke. At this rank, Lancer has a very dangerous tendency to break into a rage even over a trivial matter.


    Oblivious : C
    A skill that represents a person’s insensitiveness to danger or threat and the slow response to cope with said danger, which means Lancer needs some seconds to comprehend or understand the danger or situation in which he’s involved. Those who have this skill is very vulnerable to surprise attack.


    NOBLE PHANTASM
    Just Another Day on Ikebukuro
    Rain of Street Signs and Vending Machines
    Rank : B
    Type : Anti-Army
    A Noble Phantasm that will be activated whenever Lancer breaks into his Berserk-mode. When activated, Lancer will grab anything available nearby—preferably a pole-shaped thing like street signs, but something like a vending machine or the enemy themselves is fine too—and throw it into his enemy(s) with all his might. Everything he has thrown will be turned into a B-rank Noble Phantasm on impact, because of the sheer strength of the throw, but is not very accurate. After some minutes (or hours) of unstoppable rage, the area in which the battle takes place will be littered with various things Lancer has thrown.


    Heiwajima Shizuo
    Ikebukuro’s Strongest Man
    Rank : B+
    Type : Anti-Army, Anti-Izaya
    A Noble Phantasm that manifested as the proof of Lancer’s immeasurable raw human strength and endurance. When activated, Lancer’s Strength and Endurance stat will be raised to EX-rank temporarily, allowing him to achieve feats that is beyond the law of logic and reason. This Noble Phantasm can be combined with his other Noble Phantasm for maximum effect. He can only use this Noble Phantasm once per day with the maximum duration of 3 hours.


    Last edited by 34; July 22nd, 2017 at 12:53 AM.

  12. #3472
    celestial prayer 34's Avatar
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    ​No comment or review, anyone?

  13. #3473
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThirtyFour34 View Post
    ​No comment or review, anyone?
    Don't know enough about Durarara to give accurate feedback, but it's pretty fun. The Berserker-Rage Skill feels a little odd, though. Couldn't just low-ranking or conditional Mad Enhancement be enough?

  14. #3474
    celestial prayer 34's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoydGolden View Post
    Don't know enough about Durarara to give accurate feedback, but it's pretty fun. The Berserker-Rage Skill feels a little odd, though. Couldn't just low-ranking or conditional Mad Enhancement be enough?
    Thanks, I have renamed it.
    Well, Mad Enchantment usually affects the person's overall sanity, which is different from just being short tempered. That's why I gave him that skill, which is a temporal version of ME's effect.

  15. #3475
    celestial prayer 34's Avatar
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    Here's another OP sheet from Naritaverse.



    Class : Assassin
    Alternate Class : Berserker, Avenger
    Identity : Claire Stanfield
    Origin : Naritaverse, Baccano!
    Alignment : Chaotic Neutral

    PARAMETER
    STR : A+
    END : B+
    AGL : A+
    MGI : D
    LCK : C
    NP : A++

    CLASS SKILL
    Presence Concealment : A
    Is a skill that denotes the ability to remain undetected by hiding one’s presence. Suitable for spying and assassinating. Because Assassin was a trained assassin, he gained this skill at high rank. At this rank, it’s almost impossible to detect him when concealed. The rank of this skill drops down when Assassin is attacking or intentionally revealing himself.

    PERSONAL SKILLS
    Acrobat : A+
    Is a skill that represents one’s ability to accomplish acrobatic feats, like touching their own head to their rear or doing handstands on one arm. Assassin was a member of circus and his own hard-work and effort, combined with his superhuman strength and agility, had granted him this skill at the highest level. At this rank, he is capable of any and all acrobatic maneuvers that are beyond human understanding. Assassin uses this skill—combined with his strength and agility—as his main fighting style and assassination technique.

    Bravery : B+
    Is a skill that grants the ability to negate mental interference such as confusion, fascination, or even mental interference magecraft, at higher level, this skill also improves the skill of bare-handed combat. Assassin gained this skill through his ego and self-confidence, which resulted in him being difficult to affect mentally. At this rank, it is almost impossible to even impress him even with powerful mental curses or magecraft.

    Torture Specialist : B++
    Is a skill that represents one’s ability and knowledge of both physical and mental torture techniques and methods. Those who have this skill are very knowledgeable about how human body work and uses this knowledge to determine how to inflict as many excruciating pain as possible on their enemies. Assassin had extraordinarily broad knowledge of torture methods from all over the world, and had some sort of habit to inflicting as many pain as possible to his targets before inevitably killing them. At this rank, he is capable of inflicting a tremendous amount of pain, while keeping the subject alive as long as possible to keep experiencing the pain.

    Eye of The Mind (True) : C++ (B++ upon the activation of his NP)
    Is a skill that grants the owner insight on the battle, founded by training and discipline. Assassin earned this skill thanks to his own hard-work and training, not by his own talent or instinct. At this rank, Assassin can perfectly deduce his enemies’ next action and intent just with a glance or just by looking at their reflection on any surface.

    Monstrous Strength : - (A upon the activation of his NP)
    Is a skill that permits the boosting of the owner’s STR stat by one rank, with a time limit determined by the ranking of this skill. This skill is gained through the owner’s nature as a Demonic Beast.

    NOBLE PHANTASMS
    Vino
    Bloodbath Killing
    Rank : C+
    Type : Anti-Unit
    The identity of Assassin as a professional assassin, nicknamed ‘Vino’ which means wine. This name was derived from the mess of blood and gore he leaves behind after an assassination which resembles a pool of wine. He said that he does ‘it’ to make sure that the target is really dead, and won’t come back alive

    When activated, Assassin will mark an opponent as his assassination target, focusing his bloodlust and murderous intent on just 1 target, using his experience and peerless effort, he will assassinate the target with any weapon available, or more frequently, bare-handed, he uses his strength to make use of anything around him as a killing weapon, twisting their neck, snapping their legs, using any sort of technique to kill his target. This Noble Phantasm is his ultimate brute-force killing—similar to Nine Lives Noble Phantasm of Heracles, but for assassination—he will not stop until he makes sure that the target is really ‘dead’.

    Rail Tracer
    Bloodbath Massacre
    Rank : B+
    Type : Anti-Army
    The identity of Assassin as the Rail Tracer, the urban legend about a monster that makes passengers of a train to disappear without a trace. Assassin has proclaimed himself as the ‘Rail Tracer’ and started his own legend of the massacre of the troublemakers aboard the Flying Pussyfoot transcontinental train; he was also the conductor on said train.

    To activate this Noble Phantasm, Assassin must first cover himself with the blood of one of the enemy. Upon activation, he will transform himself into the self-proclaimed monster, “Rail Tracer”. This turns him into a red, bloody Demonic Beast, which grants him the skill “Monstrous Strength” at rank A. During this form, Assassin’s combat ability and senses will be greatly improved, and his “Eye of the Mind (True)” skill will be boosted by a rank (B++), this allows for even messier kill.

    Felix Walken
    Physical Omnipotence
    Rank : E-A++
    Type : Anti-Unit, Anti-Army
    The identity of Assassin as Felix Walken, his current name that he bought from a certain legendary assassin. This Noble Phantasm is also the manifestation of his declaration that he is “The Center of The World” and everything he thinks he can do, can and will happen. This is also because the “The Word of God” says that he is the 2nd strongest being in Naritaverse, just behind a literal omnipotent demon.

    "This world is mine. I think this world might even be a long dream I'm having. Don't ya think? Maybe you're all just figments of my imagination, since I can't prove for certain that you exist. In other words, this world revolves around me. Whatever I think I can do, I'll be able to do. And once I grow old enough to die, I'll find some sort of immortality potion. Or maybe I'll just wake up from this dream and end up in another one. In other words, I am never going to die."
    -The man himself

    This is a passive Noble Phantasm; it’s always active because he thinks it is. In other words, this Noble Phantasm grants Assassin a limited form of Omnipotence; as long as he has the willingness do something, he will, in the end achieve it.

    But in reality, he just unconsciously constructed some sort of passive reality marble around him, which is what he called “his world”, and thus gained omnipotence by unconsciously manipulating the reality around him. This means that this Noble Phantasm will be disabled when another Noble Phantasm with anti-world type is used.

    Personality
    Claire is a solipsist. He believes that the world is a dream of his own creation, and all the people are figments of his own imagination. He cannot picture the world without him in it, and so in his mind he "can never be killed." If he does die, he'll simply 'wake up' from his dream. His solipsism has led him to eschew the idea of immortality, as "it can do nothing for him". He considers himself the center of the world and takes pride in this.

    Claire immensely dislikes it when people attribute his skill to God or natural talent. He emphasizes that he worked extremely hard to improve himself, and he wishes people would acknowledge the effort he put in rather than dismissively calling him a prodigy.

    As The President of the Daily Days puts it, Claire operates outside the law through his own warped sense of justice.

    Claire is considerate of those he deems innocent, going out of his way to ensure the safety of people who are not his targets and/or pose no danger. Claire takes pride in his work, and takes his responsibilities seriously. As a train conductor, his job is to protect the passengers and he does so with zeal, adopting the Rail Tracer persona in order to protect them. It can be argued that he can take his responsibilities too seriously (to the point of lucridity) -- for instance, when he encounters a stowaway on board the train he briefly considers dealing with her despite the fact that he is in the middle of a bloodbath.

    Claire has stated that only the strong (like himself) are capable of possessing mercy or compassion.

    He is not above putting down his fellow assassins after he defeats them, and on at least one occasion has directly asked people to praise him for his good work. This probably stems from the fact that he is a rather insensitive person (as noted by Rachel), though he doesn't really seem to be aware of how tactless and blunt he can be.

    Claire admits he does not know where he should release his emotions and so piles it all up inside himself therefore, turning all the bloodlust born of tragedies and hypocrisies towards himself. He has no common sense when it comes to other people's hearts.

    When it comes to love, Claire is very much a romantic. He blushes, he fumbles, he is always one hundred percent and never zero.

    He is first introduced to the audience/reader as the Young Conductor - an enthusiastic and friendly young man with a penchant for storytelling.



    Last edited by 34; July 24th, 2017 at 04:08 AM.

  16. #3476
    celestial prayer 34's Avatar
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    please give me your most spicy critiques or comments.

  17. #3477
    死徒(上級)Greater Dead Apostle Phil12's Avatar
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    I feel like Vino is so OP that he would get gimped by being summoned into a servant class. You should split up some of those skills and noble phantasms for different classes. Also, there are some minor grammatical and spelling errors.

  18. #3478
    celestial prayer 34's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phil12 View Post
    I feel like Vino is so OP that he would get gimped by being summoned into a servant class. You should split up some of those skills and noble phantasms for different classes. Also, there are some minor grammatical and spelling errors.
    Thank you, fixed the errors.

    So, Vino for Assassin, Rail Tracer for Avenger, and Felix Walken for Berserker?

    Because I think Assassin is the most suitable class for Claire, I just put most of his skill and NPs on this class, I think he would just get some altered form of his skills and NPs for other classes.

  19. #3479
    celestial prayer 34's Avatar
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    Another sheet from Naritaverse.



    Class : Archer
    Identity : Gerhardt von Waldstein
    Origin : Naritaverse, Vamp!
    Alignment : True Neutral

    Appearance
    Appearance :
    [Who am I, you ask?]

    [So, in an attempt to understand what in the world I may be, and in order to confirm your suspicions about what kind of a creature I am, you have taken it upon yourself to ask me in person!]

    [Then allow me to answer your question with utmost sincerity! My name is Gerhardt von Waldstein. I was granted the noble title of 'viscount' and bestowed lordship over the island of Growerth by His Imperial Majesty the Emperor.]

    [Am I a self-aware being, you ask? But of course! In the end, we are creatures beyond the logic of humanity. His Imperial Majesty had a rather cutting sense of humor, bestowing a title that does not exist in his country to myself, a creature that should not exist. Is it not pure serendipity? Of course, I hold my title of viscount with pride, as I do with my identity.]

    [Hm? You say you're through with introductions, my friends? You wish to see me in person? Hah, it seems you have not yet noticed. I have already shown you my true form some time ago, dear friends! All this time. Yes, right before your eyes. After all, I—]

    [What is this, my dear friends? I am right here, am I not? This blood is myself, in the flesh! I am the blood, and this blood is all of me!]

    [Whether you believe me or not, if you wish to communicate with this body of mine, I'm afraid you will have to speak up. I consider it most unfortunate that I have no telepathic abilities.]


    PARAMETER
    STR : D
    END : E
    AGL : A
    MGI : B
    LCK : B
    NP : A

    CLASS SKILL
    Independent Action : A+
    This is a skill that allows the Servant to remain independent even when rejecting the Magical Energy supply from their Master. At higher ranks, it is also possible to remain for extended periods of time in this world without an established contract. It is both useful and troublesome depending on the disposition of the Servant and the rank of Independent Action. Archer gained very high rank of this skill thanks to his peculiar nature and one of his personal skill. At this rank, it possible for Archer to operate without a Master, even when unleashing a large amount of magical energy.

    Magic Resistance : B-
    This is a skill that grants the owner protection against magical effects, by canceling the spells altogether. Due to his peculiar nature, Archer has a rather high resistance against most magic, but is very vulnerable to certain types of magic that’s effective against fluid.

    PERSONAL SKILLS
    Photosynthesis : A
    This is a very unique skill that allows the owner to utilize a very ancient and revolutionary technique of turning sunlight into energy. Archer gained this skill due to his unusual nature, through a certain biological and chemical process; he can do photosynthesis like a plant, turning sunlight not only into kinetic energy, but also magical energy. This skill allows Archer to gain almost infinite amount of magical energy as long as there’s sunlight. Archer also will be severely weakened if deprived of sunlight, since it’s his only way to produce energy.

    Fluid Form : EX
    This skill is an extremely unique skill owned by those with the ability to turn their boy into fluid. In Archer’s case, his entire body and true form is, in a very literal sense, a sentient pool of blood. He ended up in this form after a certain series of experiments he did when researching about vampire immortality. Archer has achieved the highest rank of this skill due to his centuries of experience with his fluid body.

    This skill grants Archer with various abilities concerning the nature of his fluid body. First, due to being a fluid, he can only communicate by transforming his body into letters. He also can move his ‘body’ freely, by using his vampiric power to control his ‘body’ directly through his ‘soul’. He can float in the air, and also can transform his body into anything, but can’t exceed his unknown maximum total of mass. Being a fluid also means that Archer is weak against ice or freezing magecraft, and also vulnerable to being sealed into a container. Also, most physical attacks won't work on him.

    Eye of the Mind (False) : A
    This skill is an intuition, prescience or 6th sense that allows the owner to avoid danger, and also negate visual obstructions. This skill is a natural instinct that cannot be obtained regardless of effort or experience—even though experience can refine its accuracy. Due to his unique nature, Archer obtained this skill because he perceives the world differently from other creatures. Archer doesn’t perceive or sense the world via an organ or tools, but directly from his vampiric ‘soul’, this allows him to see through every visual obstruction or illusions.

    Charisma : B
    This skill is a composite ability consisting of a person’s charm as well as the natural talent to lead or command an army or unify a nation. Increases the ability of allies during group battles. Archer, despite being a literal pool of blood, has a rather high rank of Charisma due to his gentlemanly personality and his experience as the ruler of Growerth Castle, as well as being the most influential person in the Vampirekind. Those who have this skill may gain allies more easily.

    [One does not become a gentleman overnight. It is most important to strive to act as a gentleman might. And eventually, not only others—but you yourself—will call you a gentleman.]

    Vampire : E-
    This skill represents one’s nature and status as a vampire, a bloodsucker. Technically, Archer is a vampire, but due to his interesting nature, that is far beyond human’s depiction of vampire and his lack of vampiric abilities and nature, he has a very low rank of this skill.

    NOBLE PHANTASM
    Viscount Waldstein
    Gentleman of the Twilight Island
    Rank : C-A+
    Type : Anti-Army
    The manifestation of Archer’s title as the Viscount and the (former) Lord of Growerth Island. Archer had many loyal servants under his authority in Growerth, and they had various nature and abilities, from werewolves, witches, vampires and various ‘other’ beings.

    This is passive Noble Phantasm which is always active. Whenever Archer is in danger or on trouble, one of his many servants and allies will come to aid him, whether he wants their assistance or not. Their appearance comes from their own will to protect their master or friend, so this Noble Phantasm doesn’t need much magical energy, but to maintain their existence, some magical energy may be used.

    Red Pool of Blood
    Crimson Fluid of Death
    Rank : A+
    Type : Anti-Unit
    The Noble Phantasm that allows Archer to be placed on the ‘Archer’ class container, which requires the Servant to have some kind of projectile launching weapon or ability worthy of ‘Archer’ class. In his case, Archer uses his own ‘body’ as the projectile.

    Upon activation, through certain unexplainable biological and chemical process, Archer will turn himself into a pool of deadly poisonous pool of blood. He then will attack the enemy by ‘shooting’ himself towards the enemy, and utilizing his special form, he will enter the body of the target via the holes or cavities on their body. This will allow Archer to both destroy and poison the target’s inner organs. Archer only uses this Noble Phantasm if it’s really necessary, he will often find another way to achieve mutual understanding and peace without violence or killing, but if it’s impossible to reason with the target, he won’t hesitate to kill them.

    Personality
    Above all else, Gerhardt is a gentleman. He believes firmly in courtesy, and is always considerate of others - even if they intend him harm.

    He prefers to avoid violence and instead come to some sort of resolution via negotiation and words rather than weaponry. However as Watt Stalf points out to Relic: "You know what? Your old man--he'd have avoided a fight. But whether things worked out or not, he'd have negotiated with everything he had."

    Still, Gerhardt has described himself as a coward. He says he has no need for 'unwarranted' power - as long as he has enough to protect those dear to him, he will be satisfied.

    He is a terrible liar. He also enjoys video games - from handheld games to online MMORPGs.



    Spoilers
    Viscount Gerhardt von Waldstein "The Red Pool of Blood" is one of the founders of The Organization and its current chairman. He was the Lord of Waldstein Castle until he passed the title down to his adopted son Relic von Waldstein.


    Gerhardt was originally a human (born centuries prior to the novels) who was turned into a vampire when he was a young man. He helped to found The Organization after his turning, and began researching a way to get rid of vampiric weaknesses.

    His research culminated with a special bacteria that he injected into his bloodstream. He threw his humanoid body away and became a 'liquid gentleman' - a sentient pool of blood, so to speak.

    Thanks to the bacteria the only thing Gerhardt needs to live is sunlight, since he receives energy through a particularly efficient means of photosynthesis.

    Gerhardt eventually left The Organization so that he could focus on his duties as Lord of Waldstein Castle. In the early 2000s, he returns to the Organization to be its chairman after Relic succeeds him as lord.

    Gerhardt communicates with others by forming his 'body' into words and diagrams. He writes in various different fonts which represent his sentiments.
    Last edited by 34; July 24th, 2017 at 10:08 PM.

  20. #3480
    The smell of the lukewarm ocean and the chorus of cicadas RoydGolden's Avatar
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    You're quite the Narita fan, aren't you ThirtyFour?

    I know absolutely nothing about the character in question so I can't really comment accuracy-wise, but the sheet seems good enough from a writing point of view. Seriously though, a sapient vampiric pool of blood who considers himself a gentleman has got to be one of the most fascinatingly off-the-wall character concepts I've come across in a long while... Narita sure is something, huh? I've got to get around to watching Baccano sometime...

    One small technical criticism; if he's an Archer then he really should have Magic Resistance at some rank and not just Independent Action.

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