[FF, DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGERY, TOTALLY NSFW] BUTT KICKING FOR GOODNESS! (Fate/Stay night, Fate/Zero, goes through canon like one of Zouken's Penis Worms!)
Ticonderoga Studios Black Ops Division and Tiny Hamster Theatre Present:
A Tale of Suffering, Anal Woes and JUSTICE
Based On An Entirely Untrue Story From The Author's Twisted Imagination
BUTT KICKING FOR GOODNESS!
Avavilable At A BL FanFic Thread Near YOU. TONIGHT.
(Paid for by the Justice Fist Adventuring Lodge Fund For Adorable Hamsters. Ticonderoga Studios lays absolutely no claim to the characters therein. They are still, under The Berne Convention, properties of their respective companies. Ticonderoga Studios invokes that funky clause of the Berne Convention and American law that declares this as a work of parody/satire for general entertainment purposes, even though said violations are taking place in Singapore and would probably land the entire studio in jail and getting anally violated by harderned criminals.)
And now, our feature presentation.
Matou Kariya was probably the worst magus in the history of Magi. It probably didn't help that he had some sort of giant penis worm anally violating him every single day of his life, either. Or the fact that his progenitor was a wrinkled old man psychologically twisted beyond all hope and reason.
But something had to be done. He had to win the Grail War. If only to spare his cute little niece the pain of being violated by one of these penis worms. Yeah. Totally because those penis worms are horrible bints, and not the fact that they hurt a bunch, sucked the life out of him and made him unable to sit properly.
Besides, he was a mundane. No magic at all. How could he win the Grail War if he couldn't find someway of generating magic? Even if it meant his old man was anally raping him by proxy.
Crazy old man also asked him to pick a Berserker too. Didn't Berserkers require massive gobs of magic to fuel? Wouldn't it kill him, even if he did win the damn thing?
Yeah, whatever. All for his adorable little niece who should not be named. And a painless bum. He was gonna win the damn Grail and make his damn wish.
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His bum hurt. It always did when magic was involved. The damn penis worm was probably violating his ass again. But it would not matter. A little anal violation meant nothing, as long as his niece would live in a world free of crazy magi, violent magi-induced wars and those stupid penis worms.
Those penis worms that would never allow him to sit right forever.
His mind focused. Not on his shame and lack of dignity, but on things. The insane old head of the Matou Household. His sister Aoi, who was married to that no-good rotten bastard turkey head of the Tohsaka household. His adorable little nieces. The whole dumb fucking Grail War.
Oh, how he hated the Grail War. The massive pranic clusterfuck that dragged his family into its arcane shenanigans and deep, dark schemes. The War that robbed his sister and nieces of obtaining true happiness. The War that denied him the comfort of being able to sit down without feeling pain all over.
Oh, how he hated it all. Its evil forebodings. Its magically dark schemes. Its ability to deny happiness to everyone involved in it. Most of all, how it robbed him of being able to sit properly.
He focused all his anger, his rage and his tears into the ritual. He had to summon a Berserker, Old Man Matou said. He was a worthless Magi and they had to win it quick, the crazy coot said.
Damn it all to hell, were his last thoughts as he completed the ritual.
And then a giant explosion happened. Rituals do not explode in one's face once completed and he had done the damnded thing to the fucking letter. Crossed the 't's and dotted the 'i's, even. So this came as a complete surprise to him. Whatever. he needed to see the Servant he had summoned.
He looked... unique, to say the least. A tall, purple-tattooed man, wearing a set of what looked like leather armor over some greenish clothes. There was a tiny hamster perched atop his bald head looking around. It did not take long for the both of them to noticed the other living being in the room.
The strange man boomed, "Stand and deliver, that my hamster might have a better look at you. "
Damn the whole fucking Grail War to hell and back, thought Kariya to himself as he saw his Servant.
Author's insane ramblings:
Holy catnips and abuses of Smileys, it's Drm!
This is my official first attempt to make the new Fanfic forums a much better place! Or turn it into a simmering pile of dreck! It's your call, honestly.
I sincerely apologize for the horrible mental images I have most likely inflicted on you, the dear reader! (please don't sue my pants off. I have nothing for you to take via lawsuit.)
And no, I have no idea about that one fic I wrote way back when the forums used to be on Proboards.
Also Hello Kieran, long time no see. If you're still speaking to me, that is.
And please, I have no idea who the Berserker is! Or his adorable hamster.
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Originally Posted by celsius
