Here it is, the long awaited episode TWO.
by the way, this operates under a thousand cliches, and a reference to great teacher gilgamesh.
So, let it begin. And let me know what you think.
Fate/stay mad
EPISODE II: RISE OF THE MAPO TOFU
Written by: train rails that got lost in a beast’s lair
Now was a time for celebration. Shirou had his kitchen back, Archer had stopped being a dick, Shirou and Gilgamesh were still shirtless and a veritable feast was on the table, with a hungry Saber ready to pounce on it given Shirou’s signal.
And as everyone genre savvy would know, this was exactly when everything would start going wrong.
The earth shook, and a great dark pillar rose in the middle of the table, spreading food everywhere and Saber, in a very impressive moment, grabbed every single piece flying her way, putting them all in her small ricebowl.
Made more impressive by the fact an entire lobster and the cooked turkey were part of the blastwave, and her bowl could fit in any one person’s hand.
As the tower seemed to keep growing, almost reaching the heavens, Emiya Shirou wondered if it would ever stop, and stopped caring about it at all. He pulled out a table from his kitchenworks, and placed the dish he was holding, a large serving of mapo tofu, in the center of it, intent on not letting the giant tower bother the feast.
Exactly as he was about to return to his beloved kitchen to obtain the next dish, a loud cry could be heard from the top of the tower.
“YOROKOBEEEEEEEEEE EMIYA SHI-”
The falling person was (rudely) interrupted by the ground, or rather by the table, as he fell right through it.
As the smoke cleared, a rather casual-looking Kotomine Kirei was eating the mapo tofu in a relaxed stance. With his legs through the floor.
“Needs more spiciness.”
“What are you doing here, Kotomine?”
This man was not allowed in his house. That one thought ran over in Emiya Shirou’s head more often than a chair through Shiki Tohno’s.
“Simple, Emiya Shirou. You have won the grail war, so here is your prize.” The fake priest casually waved his arm towards the Hungry Saber.
“What, Saber? She’s already my servant.”
“No, behind Saber.” Kotomine corrected, a little annoyed.
“Ohhh, the big black tower thing? Well I suppose I could use a new lawn ornament.”
“That’s the holy grail, Emiya. It grants wishes. It does not sit in your lawn all day long.”
“Wait, I thought I only got that after I defeated the other servants.” Emiya Shirou said, in a rare moment of clarity. “Apart from Archer, I haven’t beaten any of them.”
Archer, meanwhile, was lying face down in the yard, with ants crawling up his nose.
“By learning from every single one of the servants, you have, in a way, conquered them. The grail recognizes this, and wanted to be part of the festivities.”
“Ah. That makes perfect sense, then. So, why’s it all black?”
“Because, Emiya Shirou, it is possessed by thousands of years’ worth of FAILED MEAT-STEW.”
Shirou’s mind reeled at the revelation. This couldn’t be true, could it?
“But, so much failed stew, it…”
“So you’ve noticed, Emiya Shirou. So much failed meat-stew has only regret and hatred inside. In other words, there is no love in this cooking.”
“Kotomine, you knew all along? You knew the grail was… this thing?”
“Of course. Apart from mapo tofu, all of the hate, regret and sadness within the failed meat-stew make the best meal for a man such as me. Along with a glass of cranberry juice.”
“Then I know what I must do.” Wiping out his ultimate meat stew, he rushed to Kotomine, still halfway encased in the floor and shoved it in his mouth.
“Not bad, for a man with such half-baked ideals like yourself.” Kotomine calmly said, with no reaction from the stew. He turned to face Shirou as well as he could, and with an arrogant smirk, declared “It seems today you will not rejoice, Emiya Shirou, for your stew has no effect on one such as me.”
He ripped open his coat and ribcage to show his heart, which was covered in darkness, the same darkness of the Failed Meat-Stew tower. Putting back every bone and clothing pieces in their proper locations, he pulled himself out of the floor.
“Go now, Faker! I’ll hold him off here!”
Gilgamesh stood between the shocked Shirou and the fake priest. Facing his former master, he simply said what he had to say.
“Rider, grab Shirou and Saber and run. Only Shirou can defeat him, but he needs more time!”
Rider complied, grabbing the eating Saber and the shell-shocked red-head, and running out of the house.
“You? Stop me? Step aside, Gilgamesh. You cannot even cook.”
The only reaction that provoked was THE copyrighted arrogant smirk.
“Just because I cannot cook…” He brought his arm upwards. “Does not mean I possess no food.”
“Gate of…”
Kotomine prepared himself, drawing his tofu keys from his jacket.
“Ba-Burger”
A thousand burgers appeared from his gate, of all kinds. The very first of every burger every made.
That said, they were all moldy and decomposed.
“My loss here is assured, Kirei. But be certain of this, you will smell like Crap when you leave this house.”
X=X=X=X=X
I can’t win against that. That was the only thought running through Shirou’s head as he sat down in the mountain shack.
“He said you could win, Shirou, do you know what he meant?”
“No, I don’t. I trained so much under [NOTTELLING], I’m sure I’ve reached my limit!”
“Reached your limit physically, you have. Train your mind, you now must.”
That was not rider. Almost as conveniently as when Gilgamesh pulled [DIDYOUASSUMEI’DSAY?] out of his gate of asspulls, a green midget stood in the entryway. He was short, wearing ragged brown robes, and had big, green ears. He was also sporting a cane.
“Reached the height of what cooking should be, you have. To know what a meal truly is, you must learn. Go back to the basics, you must.”
“You… you can train me to surpass all of that failed meat-stew?”
“Only if willing to learn, you are.”
“I am.” Shirou said, resolve filling his eyes, and fire filling his chest. “Saber! Rider! We’re going to train!”
And so it began, training of the mind.
Meditation on a rock, with cooking pots over their heads, the sea bellowing behind them.
Purposefully making meals that had no grandiose flavor (Saber hated this).
Balancing on a rock with one hand, mentor on a foot, boiling water in hung under his other foot, while his other hand held the small portable stove under the pot.
Choosing which one of the chef hats had the potato underneath.
Swinging from lamp to lamp in the nearest supermarket with the mentor on his back.
“You are ready now, young boy. Defeat that spicy priest, and end the suffering curse of the failed stew.”
“I will try. Thank you, master!”
“Do, or do not. There is no try.”
“Oh yes, master. What is your name?”
“I am WARBLEGARBLESUPERMEGAWAFFLE-BURGERDELICIOUSAMAZINGORIGINALCONTENTDONOTSTEAL.
You may call me Tedd.”
“Thank you, master Tedd!” Emiya said, bowing deeply. Rider did the same, but Saber, who had decided days ago the training was far too silly and left, did not bow.
Her lack of bowing was blamed on her absence, and no one took offense.
And now Shirou and Rider prepared themselves to fight Kotomine with every recipe at their disposal. Including, if necessary, THAT.
“Ho? So you have come again? Just as tenacious as your father, I see.”
“You knew my father, Kotomine?”
The church was completely empty, save for Caren Ortensia, who just sat on one of the benches with a bag of popcorn.
“Yes, he was just as crazy as you are. Did you know he even sang to me after he shot my heart?”
Kotomine closed his eyes, and remembered the particularly embarrassing scene.
“Shot through the heart, and I’m to blame
Suck my dick, Kotomine Kirei”
“And it didn’t even fit the damn song. So now, just to spite him, I shall kill you, and start a chain of restaurants based around serving mapo tofu and failed meat-stew.”
“I see. Then you really have fallen too far. Stand back, Rider, I’m going to use THAT.”
“THAT? But you don’t even know if it’ll work!”
Guttural laughter escaped Kotomine, getting everyone’s attention.
“Do you really think your love-filled cooking can affect me? Come, I await whatever you have prepared: It will only fail.”
Shirou smirked. It was the same smirk he had against Archer; the smirk of a victor.
If love did not work, use something else.
“Then you lose, Kotomine! Take this, Rice Ball Of Under-Achievement!”
He shoved the rice ball into Kotomine’s smug, smiling mouth, only to see the smile become distorted and fade.
“Curses! Emiya Shirou… I will kill you! As soon as…” kotomine slowly collapsed to the floor. “As soon as I feel like doing something.”
“I have won! And now, for this grail…”
Shirou faced the grail, a very very tall tower that didn’t even appear to be there a second before. Calling to his hands the greatest weapon in his arsenal, a most holy food, the food of a King, He fired.
“WHOPPER-CALIBUR!”
Destroying the entire church roof in the process, he saved the world from the evil of the Failed Meat-Stew. Looking of in the distance, he was sure he could see Gilgamesh’s face in the clouds.
“Rider… let’s go home.”
And in a way that would have made [NOPE] proud, they walked home with the sunset on their backs.
X=X=X=X=X
“We have now arrived in Japan, Fuyuki. Please prepare yourselves to exit the plane.”
“Sir? Sir, we have arrived.”
“hmm? Ah, yes, yes we have. Thank you for waking me.” The red haired man answered her groggily, getting up from his seat.
As the flight attendant went off to wake other passengers, Emiya Shirou tried to concentrate. He knew he was having a dream, and he knew he thought it was really retarded, but he couldn’t for the life of him remember the details.
“Please make sure you have all of your carry-on luggage before you exit the plain.”
Oh well, a nonsensical dream had little importance in the great scheme of things. He had a home to go to, a tiger to tame, exams to take and a girl to tell stories to.
But first things first, he had to get through the airport.
THE END?
Originally Posted by The Sylentnight
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