Heroic Deed

[Neir]

Mike, you're deflecting. I'm honestly just curious.


You know, if you actually had a REASON for doing this, I'd just leave you alone.

[Altima of the Gates]

@Verg and Neir:
Enough. The two of you couldn't give a rat's ass about the author or anyone else but fighting with Mike and you know it.

If you guys want to do this, take it outside this author's thread. Have your threeway by VM if you want. GO.

And yes I see the rest of you monitoring the thread. Don't. Start.

[Hymn of Ragnarok]

First things first: you need a beta and/or spellcheck. There are so many grammar, punctuation, and spelling mistakes that it makes it incredibly hard to read at times. The flow of the piece is also really, really jerky. I liked the first part well enough, even though it could use some serious revision. The second part was just painful to read. First chapter we're finding out about Subaru and EMIYA. Great. One scene flows to the next. Then it's Ilya dying, and my neck is suffering from whiplash.

I just do not see the connection between the scenes. I get that there's two sets of characters in different locations, but I feel like I was just misled as to what the story is going to be about. It's all well and good when you say it's a set-up for later, but here and now I'm lost and confused.

Concerning the "This is how..." and "She can still remember...." I recommend not using that style more than once a chapter. It can really hammer in a point or emotions, but I felt nothing at the start and as a result felt bored as I slogged through. I probably would've quit reading entirely if I hadn't skimmed to the comments to see what the general reaction was.

I feel like I'm being told what happens instead of learning from the characters' perspectives. Like the narrator is pausing the scene to deliver exposition. Being told Sakura died out of the blue was a 'wait what' moment too. Sure, having her die off-screen is one thing, but you mentioned her death off-hand. There was shock value in that and you more or less blew it off as nothing. You've got Ilya dying being built up in one chapter, Shirou and Nanoha talking and have apparently been doing so for some time, and Shirou coming home with the narrator mentioning Sakura's death and Ilya being sick.

I just....there are so many different things to think about here. I feel like I've been bombarded with scenarios, characters, and plot devices, and have no idea what to focus on. It doesn't even feel related to the first chapter. I get that this is titled Extra Scenes, but the presentation makes me wonder if these were scenes you had written and were planning to string together at a later time. This impression is not helped when I see things like '(sighs in relief)'.

There are some good ideas here, and I admittedly haven't dug up for FF.net work, but what's here really isn't encouraging. The only thing that snagged my interest was the scene with EMIYA in the fire. While it wasn't a perfect scene, it was good enough for me to keep reading. I want to see the repercussions from that event, instead of being shunted back to Fuyuki for something that feels completely unrelated. I'll keep an eye on this thread and come back for more updates, but I hope you put a lot more work into future chapters. I probably won't last too long if Chapter 2 becomes the standard for quality.

And on one last detour before I wrap up....

I hate it when Sakura is used as nothing more than a disposable plot point. I don't recall ever seeing Saber or Rin getting treated like this, it's always fucking Sakura, and to be honest I'm sick of it.

I can think of one story off the top of my head that does exactly that, and suggest before you start speaking in absolutes concerning whether something never happens, you expand your reading material to include significantly more than Sakura centric works. In fact, you probably shouldn't speak in absolutes unless you have actually read everything.

shikyo, I suggest you take a look at the linked story. It's by no means perfect, not by a long shot, but I'd use it as an example of good pacing. Unobtrusive narration, provokes the right emotions, and sticks to its point. There's a coherent story there, and I don't really get that feel from yours. Then again, I seem to be the only person who holds this opinion, so maybe I'm just missing something. Wouldn't be the first time, and my Nanoha-fu is weak.

Good luck on your story. I would like to see this story well-written.

[Mechatrill]

Wow... I just noticed that certain people are raging at Sakura's death, while they have no comments whatsoever on Illya's death...

That, I think, is the major problem with taking your comments seriously: its obvious fanboyism. With that, the criticism comes across as being your own bias toward a certain character, rather than any consideration toward plot, characterization, or overall literary value. That tends to really lower the "constructive" rating on said constructive criticism...

And really, if you don't like a fic solely because of the presence or lack thereof of a single character? That's really no different from disliking a fic due to the pairings. It's a perfectly valid reason, but there's no reason for you to shout it out for everyone to hear. I mean, you don't see people responding to a Shirou/Saber fic with comments of "this pairing sucks, [Insert character here] is much better for Shirou" and the like... That kind of thing adds nothing to the story, so really, if that's the only fault you can find with the story, just keep it to yourself and don't read...



Now, here's how to write actual contructive criticism:

The biggest thing I'll mention is that it's difficult for me to see where exactly you're trying to go with this. Now, it's only because there's only 2 chapters so far, and the two portions are obviously disjointed, so I'll withhold any judgement until next chapter. From how you've set it up so far, it seems like the story proper will focus on Shirou as he develops and how he eventually got to the point where he saves Subaru, but that's not very obvious. Giving your original snippet a title or something that makes this obvious might help.

As to killing off Illya and Sakura, I can infer that you're trying to develop Shirou into being more Archer like by taking away the major ties to him that would keep him human. This could make an interesting story, but for thouroughness I'd also suggest showing him to slowly drift away from Rin as the story progresses. The fact that she wasn't mentioned at all in the most recent chapter is a good step in that direction, and showing it that way could be even more effective than telling us, so long as Rin is mentioned sparsely, rather than not at all.

Final item: you mentioned Zoken and revenge for Sakura would become a big point, so I hope you'll show the events and how they changed Shirou and the people around him rather than just mention it in an author's note. Such things are major character developing events, and should not be skimped on.



Edit: And wow, got ninja'd by Hymn of Ragnarok's post up there, but yeah, that's how to write real criticism that can be taken seriously. That is how to get a response like "hmm, maybe he has a point, and I should follow his suggestions", rather than "sigh, he's at it again, whatever"

[Altima of the Gates]

Firstly, if you guys have something to say to the people in question guys and not to the author, message them, please.
Let's not subtly try to stir things up again.

[Mike1984]

Wow... I just noticed that certain people are raging at Sakura's death, while they have no comments whatsoever on Illya's death...

That, I think, is the major problem with taking your comments seriously: its obvious fanboyism. With that, the criticism comes across as being your own bias toward a certain character, rather than any consideration toward plot, characterization, or overall literary value. That tends to really lower the "constructive" rating on said constructive criticism...

Well, I get the distinct impression that Ilya's death was mainly there because the author considers it to be an unavoidable consequence of her condition (whether you agree with that is another matter entirely). Plus, she at least gets a chapter of Shirou fawning over her and lamenting her demise, which is a lot more than Sakura gets. So, no, the two are definitely not the same.

Edit: And wow, got ninja'd by Hymn of Ragnarok's post up there, but yeah, that's how to write real criticism that can be taken seriously. That is how to get a response like "hmm, maybe he has a point, and I should follow his suggestions", rather than "sigh, he's at it again, whatever"

Well, given that my criticism is essentially that he's gratuitously killed off Sakura for the sake of "plot" (which is something which seriously annoys me), there's not much I can really say to be "constructive", honestly. He's not likely to turn around and say "actually, I'm not going to kill her off after all"....

[Hymn of Ragnarok]

As to killing off Illya and Sakura, I can infer that you're trying to develop Shirou into being more Archer like by taking away the major ties to him that would keep him human.

....Wow, I can't believe I didn't twig on that possibility myself. Guess I really did miss something.

This could make an interesting story, but for thouroughness I'd also suggest showing him to slowly drift away from Rin as the story progresses. The fact that she wasn't mentioned at all in the most recent chapter is a good step in that direction, and showing it that way could be even more effective than telling us, so long as Rin is mentioned sparsely, rather than not at all.

I dunno. Writing how Shirou becomes EMIYA is practically a story in and of itself. I really don't think seeing the events that lead to EMIYA and his death are necessary. It'd be faster and easier just to have flashbacks, EMIYA referring to his past in narration or conversation, stuff like that. Ilya dying, while important to EMIYA's outlook, really doesn't need a chapter in the beginning. The first chapters are a chance to set the stage, introduce the protagonists, all that jazz. Not fill in details on Archer's backstory that isn't even relevant (at this time).

On the other hand, if shikyo is trying to get Shirou, EMIYA, and Subaru in the same place somehow....I just don't see it. I do not see the value of describing Ilya's death and making it the main focus for an entire chapter. It feels so disjointed. Like flashback material. Hell, since Ilya died of natural causes, Shirou standing in front of her grave and thinking to himself would serve for one scene, and move on to more important stuff. Sakura's death sounds way more important, since that's apparently going to affect the plot later on. I'm getting the impression that for something that's going to have repercussions a long ways down the road, we're going to be told very little about it. Ilya's death makes Shirou sad and gets him moving, but do we really need that right after EMIYA rescuing Subaru?

If this scene was essentially written to show Shirou and Nanoha interacting about Ilya, I am going to head-desk so hard it'll leave an indentation in my table. Argh. Just....argh. That serves a purpose, but a discussion between Nanoha and Shirou over Ilya's grave would work just as well and save valuable chapter space. And reader interest, for that matter.

Ugh. I'm rambling. Stopping here.

Final item: you mentioned Zoken and revenge for Sakura would become a big point, so I hope you'll show the events and how they changed Shirou and the people around him rather than just mention it in an author's note. Such things are major character developing events, and should not be skimped on.

Agreed.

Edit: And wow, got ninja'd by Hymn of Ragnarok's post up there, but yeah, that's how to write real criticism that can be taken seriously. That is how to get a response like "hmm, maybe he has a point, and I should follow his suggestions", rather than "sigh, he's at it again, whatever"

I thank you for your kind words, even though I don't think my thoughts were very coherent. Hopefully they'll be of use to the author thoough.

Firstly, if you guys have something to say to the people in question guys and not to the author, message them, please.
Let's not subtly try to stir things up again.

*rolls eyes*

A little credit, please. If I wanted to stir something up, there are more effective ways to go about doing so. Much more entertaining ways too, come to think of it.

[Altima of the Gates]

*rolls eyes*

A little credit, please. If I wanted to stir something up, there are more effective ways to go about doing so. Much more entertaining ways too, come to think of it.

Stow your pride for a second, I was more talking to Mechatrill. I was perfectly fine with your response, I should have just pointed to his though, so I apologize. It was more along the line that I didn't want a peanut gallery going than anything else, which would be cluttering up the thread. Likewise, Mechatrill's points were good about the actual work.

[Hymn of Ragnarok]

Stow your pride for a second, I was more talking to Mechatrill. I was perfectly fine with your response, I should have just pointed to his though, so I apologize. It was more along the line that I didn't want a peanut gallery going than anything cluttering up the thread.

Fair enough.

[shikyo21]

@Hymn of Ragnarok

I appreciate the criticism. Even I admit my writing skills are not as good as I hope to be and in contrast to everyone else.

regarding Ilya's death scene, It's actually an extra scene in chapter 2 which explains why it looks so random. I'll post chapter two when I have the time to do it.

[Hymn of Ragnarok]

@Hymn of Ragnarok

I appreciate the criticism. Even I admit my writing skills are not as good as I hope to be and in contrast to everyone else.

You're welcome. And yeah, there is some stiff competition on BL. Just doing a beta job proofreading your story would be a major asset though.

regarding Ilya's death scene, It's actually an extra scene in chapter 2 which explains why it looks so random. I'll post chapter two when I have the time to do it.

That does explain a fair bit. Well, I guess I'll wait and see what the next chapter is like.

[shikyo21]

Well if that's the case, allow me to elaborate what is Heroic Deed is all about.

The fic takes place in Fate Route (The Weakest Shirou); during the aftermath of the war. The story deals with two themes: The Consequences of Emiya Shirou's actions and The Mystery of Emiya Shirou.


As explained in chapter 1, Subaru is instead saved by Shirou/EMIYA instead of Nanoha.


She is the protagonist of this story while Shirou/EMIYA is the deuteragonist, meaning that whether he is good or evil; it all depends on the situation he’s in.


Don’t forget, since this is Fate Route Shirou turing into EMIYA (I did research and I’m sure you all know this, there is a 10% percent chances that he’ll become a counter guardian) thus he’ll have a different background than the one we all know.


Which is why is that in this fic; I have the justification and the liberty to make his battle style slightly different than EMIYA/Archer.

[Mechatrill]

Ugh... Shows me to skim to the story and not read everything thouroughly...

Yeah, totally missed the [Extra Chapter] part of the title for Illya's scene there, my bad.

Okay, in that case, this is more about Subaru as she lives her life, while trying to gather every scrap of information on the "unknown man in red" who saved her. This could also be interesting to read about.

My first thought is that this will be a more episodic piece, where each "episode" will be Subaru gaining a new bit of information about EMIYA, and through the "episodes", we eventually piece together a picture of this man named Emiya who became/is a Counterguardian from Subaru's point of view. This could also bring in other Nanoha and F/SN characters, as they may have known Shirou before or after his contract with the world. That could also bring in a source of conflict for the story, where Subaru tries to fit together conflicting reports: a merciless counterguardian who cuts down everyone in his path, a loving brother who made sure to buy a cake for his sick sister at home just after a tiring trip abroad, a desperate young man risking life and limb to save someone, anyone... And through these various snapshots and tales, we eventually piece together the life (and death) of Shirou Emiya...

Of course, this is all my supposition, so you might not do anything like that at all. Either way, I'll have to see more chapters before I can say more on the plot.

Finally, on the extra chapter. Since it's supposed to be an extra scene in chapter 2, I'll refrain from commenting until it's out. Still, you may want to consider changing it to a seperate side story rather than tacking it onto an existing chapter.

[shikyo21]

Ugh... Shows me to skim to the story and not read everything thouroughly...

Yeah, totally missed the [Extra Chapter] part of the title for Illya's scene there, my bad.

Okay, in that case, this is more about Subaru as she lives her life, while trying to gather every scrap of information on the "unknown man in red" who saved her. This could also be interesting to read about.

My first thought is that this will be a more episodic piece, where each "episode" will be Subaru gaining a new bit of information about EMIYA, and through the "episodes", we eventually piece together a picture of this man named Emiya who became/is a Counterguardian from Subaru's point of view. This could also bring in other Nanoha and F/SN characters, as they may have known Shirou before or after his contract with the world. That could also bring in a source of conflict for the story, where Subaru tries to fit together conflicting reports: a merciless counterguardian who cuts down everyone in his path, a loving brother who made sure to buy a cake for his sick sister at home just after a tiring trip abroad, a desperate young man risking life and limb to save someone, anyone... And through these various snapshots and tales, we eventually piece together the life (and death) of Shirou Emiya...

Of course, this is all my supposition, so you might not do anything like that at all. Either way, I'll have to see more chapters before I can say more on the plot.

Finally, on the extra chapter. Since it's supposed to be an extra scene in chapter 2, I'll refrain from commenting until it's out. Still, you may want to consider changing it to a seperate side story rather than tacking it onto an existing chapter.

yeah It's my mistake for posting Ilya's death early.

chapter 1 and 2 can't be helped since I've written that months ago, chapter 3 is still in progress.

Glad you like theme, even I'm aware I can't write another war or something like that so I focus on specific themes that I can follow like The Mystery and the consequences of his actions. It's about Shirou but it requires common sense and understanding the characters on how his actions affect his surroundings.

[Hymn of Ragnarok]

Well if that's the case, allow me to elaborate what is Heroic Deed is all about.

The fic takes place in Fate Route (The Weakest Shirou); during the aftermath of the war. The story deals with two themes: The Consequences of Emiya Shirou's actions and The Mystery of Emiya Shirou.


As explained in chapter 1, Subaru is instead saved by Shirou/EMIYA instead of Nanoha.


She is the protagonist of this story while Shirou/EMIYA is the deuteragonist, meaning that whether he is good or evil; it all depends on the situation he’s in.


Don’t forget, since this is Fate Route Shirou turing into EMIYA (I did research and I’m sure you all know this, there is a 10% percent chances that he’ll become a counter guardian) thus he’ll have a different background than the one we all know.


Which is why is that in this fic; I have the justification and the liberty to make his battle style slightly different than EMIYA/Archer.

Okay....that does clear some things up. But that wasn't inherently obvious from your first chapters. If I were you, I'd find some way to add a blurb at the very start that elaborates on how Subaru is the star of the show, saved by a mysterious person, and let the audience know in advance that the story will be switching between the protagonist and....actually, I really don't see EMIYA as the deuteragonist. So far he has his own story that is completely independent of Subaru. Maybe Shirou will eventually become friends with Subaru, and therefore Subaru impacts Shirou/EMIYA's development, but that hasn't happened yet.

If I had to make a guess right now.....EMIYA saves Subaru. Subaru eventually interacts with Shirou, which has an effect on EMIYA when Shirou becomes a Counter Guardian. Assuming that the EMIYA that saved Subaru is the Shirou she interacts with that eventually becomes EMIYA. And Subaru is the protagonist, so apparently the story centers on her. Even though I'm getting more of an EMIYA centric feel so far.

Oi.

Yeah, you really need some sort of a prologue that precedes the Subaru and fire sections. Something that puts the viewer on the right path to understanding this fic. It's not very intuitive, not for me at least. If I knew from the start that Subaru was the protagonist, and that we were going to see her development alongside the development of Shirou, that would help. Let us know that it's Subaru's story, that Shirou/EMIYA have a great effect on her, and her on him....gaaaaaaaaah. I don't know where you're going with this so I can't deduce much more.

Hopefully this helps. I'm throwing in the towel for now and getting dinner.

[shikyo21]

Disclaimer:
Characters in Fate Stay Night and Nanoha don't belong to me.


Notes
This fic takes place in the Nanoha timeline with slight changes specifically in the year 2005.



It began and ended so quickly no one; including herself would even spare a thought that things would end up like this.


At long last her suffering ended. She could feel the worms trying to come out from her body through the open wounds. At the very least, the poor thing can finally say goodbye to all the pain she suffered. The only regret she may suffer is that she will never see her sempai ever again.


Matou Sakura died due to a car accident. She was running away from someone; she ran so fast that she did not realize that there was an incoming car heading towards her.

The night was pitch black and the only thing that can be seen is a black figure of herself from the eyes of the driver. It also doesn't help that there were shadows of the trees that completely overshadow her very presence.


None of this would've happened if that worm of a man hasn't been chasing her; making her run towards the unknown parts of Fuyuki City that she has yet to explore at nighttime.


To make matters worse, the lampposts have just broken down today and so far, they are not yet being repaired.


The driver on the other hand, did not mean it. He was in a rushing to the hospital as he has received a call from the doctor from the hospital that his son has jut awoke from a long coma when he suffered an accident years ago. He left the house to in a hurry and and he did not expect that girl to just appear out of nowhere. He panicked as he saw her dead body, believing that she may be alive from the collision.


As he held her, he can't keep his cool as his brain rambled on the thought that he has truly done what cannot be undone.


However, all those thoughts vanished from his mind as something has just bitten his arm.


That night, his scream woke everyone in the nearby neighbourhood.

Possible Origin: Counter Guardian/ "Hero of Justice"

Fujimura-sensei has been a teacher in for as long as she can remember. In all her years of educating students, she has encounters her fair share of students that literally rock her world.

Some ends up in prestigious colleges and universities inside the country and outside the country. In fact, school Idol Tohsaka Rin was offered to continue her studies in London in some less well known academy.

Some ends up in the life of crime. This is one of the times where Fujimura Taiga regrets the most. She understands that there are students that just can't be saved but that doesn't help ease the pain as she has just went through one of the articles of the morning paper that has a picture of one of her old students portrayed as a criminal and will be sent to prison for years for a bank robbery. One of the most extreme cases she has heard about her students was years ago is that he will be hanged for a murder he committed against a woman that has dumped him for another man. That occasion actually started back in her class where the young man had a problem confessing his feelings towards one of his female classmates, a pretty looking girl with long silky black hair to boot and quite popular with the male students. Judging by what happening in the news, taiga can speculate that he snapped and murdered her. What a waste of your life….

Some ends up getting married to their sweethearts (A fact that ,made Taiga leap in joy that her student has achieve their happiness and a painful twist in her heart that she has not yet being married to any man which can be a problem later as she is not getting younger.

Others on the other hand, some ended up dead.

Matou Sakura is one of them.

Never in Taiga's life could she ever anticipate that such a sweet girl could've died at such young age in a car accident.

What tear her heart more is the revelation that the sweet girl was judged by the whole world. Why? Apparently they found out that she was a carrier of a new species of tapeworms inside her body as they literally feasts on her flesh. The last time she heard about Matou Sakura was that there was headline news stating that her body will be brought to a research lab in USA for further research.

Matou Shinji on the other hand does not receive the same amount of sympathy she has on his sister. He was classified as being missing after skipping school for many days without any notifications from him, or his sister, or from their grandfather. If she's not mistaken, she was once brought in to the police station for assisting the investigation.

In fact, it was then that she personally met Shinji and Sakura's grandfather Matou Zouken. Sakura-chan was there with him and she look terrible while her grandfather was calm in contrast.

And inevitably, rumors of his disspeararance have been spread and wildly exaggerated in the school; including a story of his supposed death when he went picking up girls or something.

However, what truly broke her heart the most is remembering the boy named Emiya Shirou.

For as long as she could remember, Taiga always sees him as a little brother she cares for after his father died. Though she confess that she was not the most reliable caretaker as she failed to persuade the boy to change his ways of 'saving people' To be fair, it was cute when he said it as a kid. But, as a young man and adult she can't help but feel that he literally damaged his own life with such thoughts. To think that such innocent wish to save everybody will backfire on him at such extreme level was unfair for the boy. All he wants to be a hero, is it wrong?

As of now, she does not dare speak the name of Emiya Shirou as it has become a taboo word to the world. What is she supposed to do? Blame the world? How can she blame anyone for thinking that Emiya Shirou was responsible for so many deaths of so many people for the sake of his brand of justice?
Quietly, Taiga opens her table drawer which reveals a lot of things in it ranging from stationery items, confiscated items from the students such as manga and a lot of papers. However, what caught her eye is a picture frame. The picture itself is dated years ago, specifically weeks after Saber-chan left. From another point of view, the picture depicts how sweet Taiga's past with everyone as she can't help but feel a slight twinge at the heart as she gazes her eyes at everyone in the photo.

The photo itself shows a group picture and a much disorganized looking one at that. It's probably because Ilya suddenly jumps at Shirou at the last minute, making Sakura, Rin, Shirou and herself surprised at the same moment the flash from the camera kicks in. Before, she would've been pissed at what the little brat did before the situation calms down when Shirou told them that it was all right. He was right, should it have been a normal group picture then it will not leave so many memories behind. Instead, the chaotic looking one often makes Taiga think back of the past on how different it was compared to now: alone in Fuyuki city. She admits it; she missed bickering with that girl.

Now, things have changed. Rin is no longer in Japan as she is currently in London to continue her studies. Taiga hasn't heard from her ever since she accompanied the young girl to the airport nor did they ever exchange mails to send regards to each other. Granted that Taiga and Rin was never close in the first place but at least tell her how's she's been doing in someone else's country.

Sakura is dead and her body is probably mutilated by a group of scientists for the sake of science…

Matou Zouken, Sakura and Shinji's grandfather on the other hand, vanished from his house. One day after the poor girl's death, scientist swarm into the house like flies as they brought a lot of lab equipments. In addition, the entire city was quarantined as water supply was cut short for days in fear of infection. The authorities' believed that whatever it was that happened in the Matou household, the old man is their number one suspect.

Ilya-chan is dead too. She died one year after she met that small girl. Terminal illness, Tohsaka and Shirou said. How she tries to forget all of the memories of the little girl writhing in pain as she laid down in her own futon. She hasn't forgotten how Shirou frequently tries to juggle his school life and taking care of the sick girl. How she died was too much for her heart to take…..

Shirou did not apply for college after graduating. Instead, he signed up as a volunteer in local NGO and has been travelling to third world countries. Often Taiga takes free brochures from the said local NGO office in Fuyuki city to see whether Shirou's picture is inside the booklet or not. Granted that he did appear on it once as he can be seen carrying large bag on his back along with a tripod in his left hand and a video camera in his right hand. Additionally, there is a DSLR camera around his neck as his team is working on a documentary film about child soldiers.

It was sometime later that Taiga discovered that Shirou resigned himself (According to the director, Shirou has became become problematic sometime ago and has resigned after an argument with his team leader). At that point, he went missing and stories of a stranger in red began to spread.

Now, there's seems to be another set of rumors happening around the world. People have been claiming that they've seen the ghost of Emiya Shirou or more likely a vengeful spirit of Emiya Shirou has been killing people around the world. The ICPO and the armies have been ordered to capture and if possible kill the 'phantom'. The list of victims from his slaughter has often been the same individuals that fictional heroes in comic books have always been battling against. One of the examples was his exploits against the same group of arms dealers as they have been selling their goods en masse all over the world via black market. The amount of dead bodies piling from the phantom's doing is increasing as time goes by and there seems to be no end to the 'phantom's' activities.

(Scene Break)

Scene from somewhere else but contains an amazing discovery

Little Anthony has always been a curious boy for someone of his age of 11 years old. His interest revolves around watching television, playing video games of the latest console devices and surfing the internet. What his parents really concern about him is that they question their son's fascination with aliens and things that came from outer space. Just like any parents, they blame the influence he received from the same video games and television programs he's indulged himself into.

However, if there is one good thing that comes out of this is that little Anthony took interest in studies of space and astronomy, which is if he separates what is fiction and reality of course.

Because of his interest, Little Anthony's father bought him a telescope of the latest model in the market for him. The mentioned expensive equipment is currently in his room along with his infamous board of extraterrestrial findings. For the past few years, little Anthony has been jotting down cases of aliens coming down to earth.

One of them is supposedly seen on orbit, an infamous rumor that has been circulating in the internet.

Another example that can be seen on the board was the ever popular alien landing on Roswell. This one is little Anthony's personal favorite story.
Skipping years later, little Anthony is still fascinated with all things extraterrestrial. He is now currently in high school with a status of a geek in high school.

"Not one in sight." Prom night is tonight but Anthony won't be making his appearance. Firstly is because he has no date to go to the prom. Secondly, today is the anniversary of what has been reported as an alien landing. Just like the fanatic of all things alien, he's busy monitoring the sky in what seems to be on top of hill near his house while still wearing his tux to the prom. Next to him is a scrapbook that contains printed materials he found in the internet.

On that same night his life changed.

"…..." No words came out from his mouth except from the sound of him being choked by his own saliva in which he did not bother to regurete. Seconds earlier, he was casually looking through his old telescope for the last time for today and he spotted something what shouldn't be there at all.

What he saw looks like an airplane, only which it does not look like any plane he knows. It looks bulky and in grey color. Wings are absent from the mysterious aircraft, indicating that is it obviously not an airplane. In fact, it looks like a spaceship from the sci-fi shows he watches on television or from all those video games he plays.

Yes he has found it! He has just spotted an alien ship!

(Scene Break)

According to Mid-Childan reports, the airport burning was caused by unstable Lost Logia that were smuggled in by irresponsible individuals. One would wonder how all that happened. This is one of the possibilities that might have happened.

What seems to be an ordinary day will soon turn into a nightmare, especially towards a certain terrorist from another world. Code Name: Lucky. Wanted for the possession of mass weapons of unknown origin.

A chapter of his life as a wanted felon now begins in a small café on Un-administrated planet #97, a location highly recommended by his business partner for their good coffee during the early morning.

"I'm tellin ya it's a big shame for business since Scaglietti won't buy anything from us." Lucky moaned in disappointment as he converse in a friendly chat with his business partner while drinking delicious coffee early in the morning at a small café. "No point anyway, bastard's can rot in his own lab for all I care"

"You mentioned him once. He's some kind of scientist no?"

"(SNORT) expert in robotics is more like it. Creepy guy when I think about it." He replied while taking another sip of Earth's coffee. He has to admit for a backwater planet, they can still make good coffee. "A complete opposite to his daughters well one of them anyway."

"You met his kids? What are they like?"

"Bumped into one of them when I met Scaglietti. Got brown hair and wearing glasses. The complete opposite to her daddy ya see? At least she's friendlier to approach."

"Little mommy's girl perhaps?" He teased.

"Scaglietti? Married? To his own invitation maybe" He chuckled at the thought of the crazy doctor getting smitten to his own invention like one of those old films he watched during his stay on Earth, He may be a weapons dealer and think always of his business, but even he needs a break from that routine and stretch his legs. And since he's on this planet, he might as well explore what's so special about it.

"Still, at least you got more profit selling them off to someone else right?" he's actually referring to the fact that his business partner sells all of his purchased goods to a lot of people mostly from around the underground world in a foreign country.

"(Snort) you got that right." He took one gulp of his coffee.

"Be grateful. You weren't around here when that guy showed up." The arms dealer shuddered.

"Hm?" Lucky nearly choked in his drink when he heard it.

"You know, that self-proclaimed hero guy." He explained.

The Mid-childan terrorist/ weapons dealer blinked in confusion. In his mind, he felt amused looking at his business partner's annoyed expression on his face.

"The Emiya Guy. "He explained. Honestly, what kind of rock has he been hiding himself into? "Some wacko thinks he's some big-shot super hero going around saving people. Heck, he's pretty much responsible why I had difficulty with business." He grimaced. "Sent a few guys after him and they never showed up afterwards."

"What he killed them?" This caught Lucky's attention. Killing itself is uncommon in Administrated worlds.

"You think? Mr. Hero's responsible for s a lot of things going around, well used to anyway."

"What happened?"

"He was executed." He took another sip of his coffee. "News hasn't been spread at your place or what?"

"Been working too hard." Lucky quickly replied to cover his ignorance.

"Don't we all?" His business partner snorted.

"(Snort) well isn't that a shame. You know, he would have been a fine customer for you don't you think?"

"What are you talking about? Everyone knows he uses CQC weapons only. Where he gets his stuff I'm, dying to know…."

"CQC weapons are you serious?"

"You're not the only one surprised. There have been a lot of rumors spreading that he used his swords for everything and I mean EVERYTHING. "

"What cooking too?" Lucky joked, as well as suppressing the idea of someone using a sword like that Signum woman from TSAB and her blade flipping Mid-Childan Pancakes.

"That and blowing up stuff with it. You got to admire his guts. He would've been fine man working under me." Said the arms dealer.

"This so called FBI still looking for you huh?" Before, the mid-childan terrorists has heard stories that there is an organization called the Federal Bureau of Investigation that has been going around monitoring and capturing those involved with the arms boon in this un-administrated world.

"You got that right..." he took another sip of his mug of coffee.

"Well whatever floats your boat…" really, he doesn't really care about all these FBI, CIA or whatever this primitive planet has to offer. It's not like they can stand up against a mage anyway.

"I bet you haven't heard about the Emiya ghost haven't ya?"

"His ghost?" now this topic has become interesting.

"Heard from a few of the guys." He explained. "They say that after he died, he became a spirit that haunts all those who commit crimes all over the world."
"Sounds like something that comes out of a movie…"

"As what, that guy on the motorcycle from hell?" he mentioned an old movie he watched back in the year 2007 in a cinema. The services were not exactly top-notched as the counter-guy was a young man who looks as if he is bored with his part-time job that nearly ruined his mood to catch on the latest movies of the year but he managed to put aside his hidden intention to bash the kid's skull and he did enjoyed the movie nonetheless.

Scene Break

On top of a hill, far from the location of the said stood a figure of a man. A man in red clothing with black colored armor. His hair is as white as snow; in his right lies a black colored bow that was used to fire the arrow at the target's head.

This man has been ordered by his 'boss' to neutralize the arms dealer as his activities recently has been causing grief in a faraway country by purposely prolonging a small scale civil war. Because of that, the man has been judged by the planet to die at the hands of its protector, the counter guardian.

The man in red was quiet the whole time. The only time he made a reaction is that he vaguely remembers where he traced the throwing knife that has been turned into an arrow seconds ago. He can't remember much of the details but he is sure that it occurs when he travelled across the dessert; finding himself in the heart of the Fortress of Alamut itself as he was pursuing the same individuals that have been selling weapons to the children.

Because of that, he is tasked to eliminate these pests again. Never once his jobs end with these individuals, he has to kill them all as well as drag the aliens into the graves with them.

Normally, Alaya doesn't really give a damn about weapons made by humanity. The reason is that Alaya recognizes that humanity has been practicing business for as long as they have lived on this planet. Purchasing and selling weapons is no different. However, such activities involving weaponry has been causing disturbances all over the world recently as the arms market has been increasing due to the level of advancement of technology.

Also, the arrival of these outside guests has not make things easier.

Of course, Alaya allows these guests to live as they are merely conducting business, However one wrong move and they're dead. So far, the hero of justice has been given the job of monitoring them every day and also gathering information about the mysterious guests.

Oh, and there were two occasions where some extraterrestrial that Alaya does not bother to recognize nor acknowledge their existence that has been cleaning up their mess when they arrived on Earth. However, Alaya is not amused when they fired the weapon from deep space even though they were trying to wipe out a threat that has plagued Uminari city like a disease. Should they have failed, Primate Murder will have the chance to stretch its legs and go play with the threat along with these aliens.

They indeed have no respect for other people's home.

However, there is one thing that Alaya did notice. There were two native girls that have left Earth. One of them is seems to be acquainted with the counter guardian. Such occasion is indeed rare, similar to that man years ago.

For the past few months, the recent visitors have been travelling around the world as if they were on holiday. All of that stopped as they have been going around the black market, making purchases and selling their own goods for money. Come to think of it, these visitors look like businessmen. They travel in huge numbers while at the same time divided as if they were assigned to travel one quarter of planet Earth per group.

The man's business has already causing problems not to mention has a hand to very dangerous weapons to be used for business purposes. The Black market dealer has access to state-of the art heavy artillery. This time, Alaya has condemned everyone associated with that man to be neutralized by the "hero of justice" at all cost necessary.

This is of course if the problem has escalated to dangerous levels such as provoking a conflict among themselves. If the threat level hasn't reached that stage, the man in red won't be deployed for action.

Not only that, his client from outside Earth has been making these purchases for a while which means that humanity is in danger should whatever force out there comes down. In order to protect humanity, it has to be done.

Scene Break

"A what?"Lucky raised his eyebrow, blinking at the movie reference his business partner made.

"Never mind." Perhaps he should just bash his partner's skull instead.

Scene Break

In an instant, he summons his black bow and a throwing knife.

The latter is such a disgusting weapon indeed, rivaling the reputation and condition of the braquemad that was once used by Gilles De Rais.

Speaking of the throwing knife, it is definitely a weapon worth mentioning. What many did not realize and what the man in red did realize some time ago is that the throwing knife is actually linked to the infamous Hassahshins. It may look insignificant at face value compared to other weapons in existence but such weapon is no joke. It is called Dark, a weapon once used by Hassan-i-Sabbah himself and/or the members of Hashshashin . However, the truth is that the weapon has no fame value in contrast to Excalibur, Arondight or Ea. Ironically; it's perfect for such weapon to be used on someone like the accursed arms dealer.

Such weapon would have been regarded as a noble phantasm of the assassin class should the stories of the members of The Assassins become well known to the world, specifically on each detail of their "missions". When the man in red traced it, details of their missions was revealed and he gains the ability to throw knives like an actual assassin without succumbing himself with hashiah or going through the garden of paradise. He is only able to copy their ability after all.
Gracefully, he turns the throwing knife into an arrow; and aims it at the forehead of the Arms dealer. His eyes allow him to see as far as 4KM range away from his current location for sniping purposes.

The real question is that how did those men acquire such weapon from the Assassins? Perhaps they found it when they turned the fortress of Alamut into their own base.

Scene Break

"Say, about that Emiya guy, how did he die exactly?" Out of curiosity, Lucky asked. Even he wonders what capital kind of capital punishment was performed on this so-called "Mr. Hero", the bane of the arms business.

"(Snort) Mr. Hero…" He emphasized on the words "Mr. Hero" with mockery. "…died by-

At that point, his forehead is suddenly pierced by what seems to be projectile; an arrow of all things. It was black in color, very thin and long and looks very aerodynamic. Such weapon is indeed fit for the term; silent killing. He lost grip of his mug and the contents fell onto his pants as the mug rolls and finally smashed to pieces when it hits the floor.

Lucky, as his name implies was saved as his device automatically summons a protection spell when he felt something millimeters close to his head like a speeding bullet. He did not realize it nor did his device even realize it until the very last second.

But, his eyes widened at the sight, his mouth was only able to voice out a short girly like scream. He clearly did not expect that something like this would happen. Granted that the both of them aren't really close friends, he felt nothing. Sadly, he was not able to get rid of the feeling of fear as he as the arms dealer has just been killed via sniper-like shot.

The café owner, a woman screamed at the top of her lungs when she saw the dead body sitting on one of her chairs as she was just innocently bringing sandwiches which has been ordered by a gentleman named Lucky to their table. This attracted the attention of everyone else in their houses, wondering what is going on. Her husband rushed to her aid and manages to catch as she fainted.

By instinct, Lucky ran off not before he fell to the ground, picking himself up as he runs for his life from the 'sniper'.

THEY HAVE BEEN FOUND!

Scene Break

Thus, the man in red vanished instantly as he is now in pursuit of this alien down in that small town.

The pest extermination begins.

End of Chapter

I'll be completely honest, I feel lack of confidence to write an action scene and instead I went on scenes that explains a possible origin of EMIYA and yes I am aware that he came from Ilya route even though I'm using Fate Route.

Originally, the projectile he used is a mass-produced mediaeval swords that he traced in which he spotted once while he was in London (The original idea is that he was there for the London Film Festival), but I find that Dark is more fitting as a sniper projectile. Oh, and one time I decided to have Fate Extra's Archer's noble phantasm to appear.

EXTRA

It was once said that a young boy becomes a contradiction of his ideals as he witnessed death of a certain individual. However, there weren't any written records that can verify all the details that depict his life story. Because of that, people have been creating countless versions of such tales. This is one of them.

"Shirou….' Ilyasveil muttered. Her fever is as high as ever and no matter how many medicines she takes, she still won't get better.

It has been months ever since she collapsed on that hot summer day. People she knew in the Emiya household panicked as they saw her lying on the ground, literally seconds before Shirou called everyone in to have snack. That day brought fear to her Onii-chan as she has never seen him look so scared all her life (apart from her days battling against him with Berserker of course)

Ilya-chan..." taiga called her name softly, as she places her hand at the sick girl's cheek.

Taiga and Shirou take turns looking after her sick girl, mostly Shirou doing the most of the work despite her protest and constant arguments. Luckily, she managed to convince her grandfather to get them a doctor to treat the girl.

"Where is Shirou.....?" Ilya asked.

"He went out. " Taiga answered softly.

"Always care for others before himself….Shirou no baka….."And with that, her eyes closed as she no longer has the strength to open them.

"(Sigh in relief) yes Ilya-chan, that is something that the both of us can agree." Taiga refers to all the moments Shirou use to take care of Ilya, even to the point of neglecting his schoolwork and part-time job despite the fact that the older woman has already volunteered to take care of the sick girl.

Speaking of sick, it's almost time for her to eat her medicine., Taiga silently walks to the kitchen to fetch the medicine prescribed by the doctor; thank goodness her grandfather has so many friends they can rely on.

Scene Break

There was one time where two individuals that have yet to see what the future have in store in them meet one another at the most simple yet unexpected place.

That time is this moment itself.

The first person is Emiya Shirou, a high school senior currently in Midori-ya in Fuyuki city. The reason why he's in such specific location is due to ad that he saw in the newspaper that features a small yet popular café that sells various sorts of cakes and pastries. He came to the place by an express bus and will be home soon for the afternoon ride. His reason for coming here: buy a cake for Ilya in hoping it will cheer her up.
Even though there are already cake shops back in Fuyuki city but Shirou stubbornly decides against Fuji-nee's protest and logical reasoning that the sick little girl might want to try something different for a change.

The second person is Takamichi Nanoha. She is only 8 years old this year and is currently studying in elementary school. She often help her parents with the Midori-ya and is often labeled as 'daddy's little helper' by her parent's friends when they comes to the café.

"Thank you Nanoha-chan." Emiya Shirou took the box in which contains the cake he ordered

"Your welcome "She smiled. "Ano...how is Ilya-chan?" Nanoha asked. This is not the first time they meet each other and interact with one another. Before, she once followed her father to Fuyuki city to personally deliver a cake in which Emiya Shirou ordered via telephone. That was the first time she met the sick girl in person. As for her father, she thinks that he may have been a good friend of the deceased Emiya Kiritsugu, Shirou-san's father.

"She's ..." Shirou hesitated. "….getting better." He lied. He doesn't want the little girl in front of him to worry too much about Ilya. From his perspective, Nanoha-chan doesn't need the extra baggage in her conscious. At the very least, let him worry about Ilya. She is his responsibility after all.

Scene Break

Meanwhile, Taiga has just got back from the kitchen, holding what seems to be a glass of water in her left hand while holding a small case that contains prescribed medicine for Ilya-chan. It is almost time for her take her medicine after all. She sighed looking at the sick girl as she can be seen sleeping like a baby or a certain princess from an old fairy tale that Taiga used to read when she was in elementary school all those years ago.

She's gonna hate herself later for waking the sick girl up, but she has the obligation to finish her medicine to get better.

"Ilya-chan, wake up; time to get eat your medicine…"

No response. Ilya is still in deep slumber as her eyes closed shut, most likely want to avoid eating her meds. This is clearly not the first time it happened. Before, she once outwardly refused to eat her medication until Shirou managed to persuade her.

"Mou….Ilya-chan, it's time to eat your medicine."

No response. The girl sure is stubborn. Still, she can't keep this up forever. Taiga doubts even she is that stubborn that she needs the medicine if she wants to get better.

"If you eat your medicines, you'll get better quick and get to play with Shirou."

Taiga resorted to persuasion tactic as she really needs to get the girl to eat her medicine. Sure they all taste bitter, but what choice does a sick person have?

With a sigh, Taiga resorted to pinching her cheek as she can no longer help it. Honestly, pretending to be asleep to avoid eating medicine has got to be-
"Ilya….chan?"

Taiga's expression changed. Despite the fact that the sick girl is being pinched at the cheek, she did not make any other facial expression. Her cheek felt slightly cold when she pinched it. Her face was as if frozen with her eyes closed shut and her mouth did not move at all.

By instinct, Taiga hastily rubs the girl's face to get a reaction, her heart beat faster as she anticipates it.

Instantly, she tossed away the blanket that was covering her body, knocking the glass of water next to her in the process.

Finally, she places her hand on her shoulder while her head and ear is on Ilya's chest to hear her heartbeat.

In the end,-

" ILYA-CHAN!"

Scene Break

Unknown to Shirou, he happily walk towards the bus stop as a smile is engraved on his face. The reason? He's looking forward to see Ilya's smiling face when he gets home. He's sure that the cake he bought can cheer her up. Ever since she's been living in his house, the Emiya household has been livelier than ever. Now, things have mellowed down ever since Sakura died and Ilya falling sick.

Speaking of which, the express bus has just arrived at the bus stop on time for its next trip to Fuyuki City.

I sure hope Ilya will enjoy this. He gave one look at cake box he's holding in his right hand and got into the express bus.

END

P.S In this interpretation, Ilya died in the same month the war took place.

Allright this is chapter 2; the real chapter 2 of Heroic Deed. the Ilya scene from last time is actually outside the context of the chapter since it doesn't fit inside it at all.

Fee free to comment and criticize if you like, I could use some feedback. It can't be helped for the first 2 chapters since I've posted them months ago in ff.net.

[shikyo21]

It feels kinda weird double-posting.

Well, now comes the real problem, completing chapter 3. I've written it down and hopefully I can get a comment/criticism or two before I post the whole thing.

[Ergast]

Shikyo, that was mean! You had managed to make me read that scene three times, now!

[Hymn of Ragnarok]

Meh, too tired to do a full review today. Will try again later.

[shikyo21]

Shikyo, that was mean! You had managed to make me read that scene three times, now!

Really Ergast? me mean? what do you mean three times? I assume you mean Ilya. that makes it twice. what's the third ons represent?

oh and if you think this is bad, Chapter 3 has more casualties and deaths.