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Thread: Heroic Deed

  1. #61
    Quote Originally Posted by Hymn of Ragnarok View Post
    Meh, too tired to do a full review today. Will try again later.
    take your time.

  2. #62
    Venus Swordman Ergast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shikyo21 View Post
    Really Ergast? me mean? what do you mean three times? I assume you mean Ilya. that makes it twice. what's the third ons represent?

    oh and if you think this is bad, Chapter 3 has more casualties and deaths.
    I read it first in FF.net. Then when you posted it for the first time here, and I even said that even after having already read it, it still was like being kicked in the guts. And now it makes the third.

    And no, it wasn't so much the death as the end, with Shirou hoping to present Illya with a treat from another city (where he went just for said treat) while she died.

    Spoiler:
    Quote Originally Posted by shiningphoenix View Post
    Rin: "I wanted Saber..."
    Archer: "What? But Archers are all insanely OP, it's like a rule or something, why would you think Sabers were better?"
    Rin: "Sabers are more molestable..."
    Quote Originally Posted by Vigilantia View Post
    AC!Rin. Fixing problems one moan at a time.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sage of Eyes View Post
    Denizens of another dimension, meet Rin Tohsaka, Tsundere of Mass Destruction
    Quote Originally Posted by Christemo View Post
    I dont even know what Lunatique is. I assume it's terrible for the sake of argument.

  3. #63
    Quote Originally Posted by Ergast View Post
    I read it first in FF.net. Then when you posted it for the first time here, and I even said that even after having already read it, it still was like being kicked in the guts. And now it makes the third.

    And no, it wasn't so much the death as the end, with Shirou hoping to present Illya with a treat from another city (where he went just for said treat) while she died.
    One thing I can't do is place him while Ilya is dieing, I don't think I can't ever create such atmosphere, thus makes sense if she died while he was not around.

    EDIT: Don't mind me but I'm posting something from chapter 3 (unfinished):

    “Ya crazy if ya want to go in that forest young man! Don’t ya know what that place is ? It’ll eat ya alive like it did to ma friends when we were kids! What ya don’t believe me? I told a young man just like you once and he never came back!”

    Tell me what you think of the sentence. Does it sound OK, or the accent stereotyped? Anything will do.

  4. #64
    Venus Swordman Ergast's Avatar
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    So... Shirou went to the Forest of Einhashe and didn't come back and now is Shiki's turn? Or is it backwards?

    Spoiler:
    Quote Originally Posted by shiningphoenix View Post
    Rin: "I wanted Saber..."
    Archer: "What? But Archers are all insanely OP, it's like a rule or something, why would you think Sabers were better?"
    Rin: "Sabers are more molestable..."
    Quote Originally Posted by Vigilantia View Post
    AC!Rin. Fixing problems one moan at a time.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sage of Eyes View Post
    Denizens of another dimension, meet Rin Tohsaka, Tsundere of Mass Destruction
    Quote Originally Posted by Christemo View Post
    I dont even know what Lunatique is. I assume it's terrible for the sake of argument.

  5. #65
    Quote Originally Posted by Ergast View Post
    So... Shirou went to the Forest of Einhashe and didn't come back and now is Shiki's turn? Or is it backwards?
    normally back in ff.net I would say I don't want to spoiler but I do need a little help here in Beast Lair.

    The young man he was referring to is Shiki ("never came back!"). I imply that Shirou never did enter that forest. The old man was talking to some random stranger he encounters trying to enter the forest.

    P.S we're reading what he said from his perspective.

    EDIT: you sure found out about that vampiric forest quickly.

    EDIT2: Chapter 3 involves the characters from Tsukihime, which I'm sure you can guess where this is going. Though the real problem is that the flow of the chapter I would like to hear feedback before I post it to ff.net.
    Last edited by shikyo21; February 22nd, 2012 at 04:15 AM.

  6. #66

    Monologue Snippet [this title will change]

    The ghost of Emiya Shirou strikes again! Police baffled with mysterious manís re-appearance!


    Emiya Shirou. That is a name that scares everybody in the world by storm. The only information they know about such individual is that he was responsible for the arms flow that has been going on around the world and responsible for instigating small scale wars and the sudden rise of child soldiers in third world countries.


    No one really knew what he was thinking, risking his life for others. Some calls him a hero while many were suspicious of his activities.


    In the end, the media labels him as one of the ringleaders if not the actual mastermind of the whole scheme. The tip was anonymous, but it was a lead. He was present in every locations where conflict arises and problems calmed down after he arrived.


    His objective: To be seen as a hero that saves the day.


    At that point on, everything makes sense. He was quite well known for his heroic deeds in the past such as stopping the violence that occurs but now they know the truth.


    It is all just one big scam to make himself look like some hero to save the day.


    In a nutshell, heís a monster and a masochistic maniac.


    And execution is the only way for him to redeem himself.

  7. #67
    Mechanical Muses Old_Iron's Avatar
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    Hmm... This is a pretty good setup so far. I'm wondering how Shirou's descent into becoming a hero will eventually lead him to crossing paths with Subaru and if they'll have any other encounters beyond his saving her.

    Also, that Monologue Snippet is rather interesting. I don't think I've ever seen the masses view on such a distorted being.
    The Art of Shipping is as profound as it is dangerous; not for the faint of heart nor the weak of will, it makes gods and devils out of us all.

  8. #68
    Death is only the stepping stone to success. Santo's Avatar
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    Humm...carry on, still not much to go on, but I do think you have a solid base to start with. Do carry on

  9. #69
    Quote Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
    Hmm... This is a pretty good setup so far. I'm wondering how Shirou's descent into becoming a hero will eventually lead him to crossing paths with Subaru and if they'll have any other encounters beyond his saving her.

    Also, that Monologue Snippet is rather interesting. I don't think I've ever seen the masses view on such a distorted being.
    Thanks for reviewing, though I'm suprised you're unfazed by the fact that Sakura died in a car accident and no comments from you. No offence, but only in Heroic Deed that I can see one of the main characters died from something like that rather than hunted down by a mage or something.

  10. #70
    Death is only the stepping stone to success. Santo's Avatar
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    Honestly...its your story, if you need to use her death as a foil to make other characters grow then go for it. Then again, the only trouble I have with it is that Zouken would not need to pursue her, he could just take over her body or make the worms in her cause her paralyzing pain.

    I think that the main reason you got such heavy negative feedback is that you posted the extra of chapter two...without chapter two. The off-hand remark of Sakuras death is what surprised a good amount of people. On chapter two at least she died on-screen. Mistake me not, Mike would have still flamed. But I believe it was mostly the shock of a main character's death...not only off-screen, but that they found out about it through an off-handed remark.

  11. #71
    Quote Originally Posted by Santo View Post
    Honestly...its your story, if you need to use her death as a foil to make other characters grow then go for it. Then again, the only trouble I have with it is that Zouken would not need to pursue her, he could just take over her body or make the worms in her cause her paralyzing pain.

    I think that the main reason you got such heavy negative feedback is that you posted the extra of chapter two...without chapter two. The off-hand remark of Sakuras death is what surprised a good amount of people. On chapter two at least she died on-screen. Mistake me not, Mike would have still flamed. But I believe it was mostly the shock of a main character's death...not only off-screen, but that they found out about it through an off-handed remark.
    I see, thanks for the feedback though it's too late by now, the only thing I can do is avoid doing it again.

    Zouken possessing her ya? reminds me back in ff.net forums. Trust me on this one her fate in Heroic Deed is much more kinder to her.

  12. #72
    Death is only the stepping stone to success. Santo's Avatar
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    oh lol I know, I've seen some of the Sakura-bashing some people have done. I might not like her as a character, but I would not go out of my way to torment her...only just enough to make a good story (^,^);

  13. #73
    Quote Originally Posted by Santo View Post
    oh lol I know, I've seen some of the Sakura-bashing some people have done. I might not like her as a character, but I would not go out of my way to torment her...only just enough to make a good story (^,^);
    Well in Heroic Deed Sakura was never meant to be the main lead heroine (Heroic Deed takes place in Fate Route). The only thing I can do is reveal the secrets she's been hiding during her stay with the Matou family.


    You're aware of that idea snippet in crossover ideas in ff.net forums where Zouken, True Assasin and Rider survived the war?

    EDIT while watching fate Zero: I mentioned in chapter 2 that the water might have been contaminated; a reference towards Waver''s discovery of Gilles's base back in the 4th war. I'm sure even science can pick up that the water is contaminated by an unknown substance.
    Last edited by shikyo21; February 23rd, 2012 at 09:17 PM.

  14. #74
    Mechanical Muses Old_Iron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shikyo21 View Post
    Thanks for reviewing, though I'm suprised you're unfazed by the fact that Sakura died in a car accident and no comments from you. No offence, but only in Heroic Deed that I can see one of the main characters died from something like that rather than hunted down by a mage or something.
    It seemed to fit the scene, and also adds a more real feel to the story. Not everyone is going to end up dying in an epic battle of the ages. Sakura especially. Shirou, on the other hand, practically has to be dragged away from deadly situations kicking and screaming. So, Sakura's death by car didn't really affect me as it would have had she been offed by a serial killer or something.
    The Art of Shipping is as profound as it is dangerous; not for the faint of heart nor the weak of will, it makes gods and devils out of us all.

  15. #75
    Quote Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
    It seemed to fit the scene, and also adds a more real feel to the story. Not everyone is going to end up dying in an epic battle of the ages. Sakura especially. Shirou, on the other hand, practically has to be dragged away from deadly situations kicking and screaming. So, Sakura's death by car didn't really affect me as it would have had she been offed by a serial killer or something.
    Thanks for the feedback, yeah I tried to make it as realistic as possible.

    Another thing, only recently I made up the idea that the company/people/sponsors in charge with volunteer work in third world countries came from Uminari city; specifically The Tsukimura and Bannings family with Takamichi Kyouya as Shirou's group leader the he argued with. What do you think? I'm sure the upper class society people would be involved in something as sponsoring volunteer work and sending their people to dangerous areas. Intention is for boosting image or whatever is in question.

    One thing for sure, seeing Shirou becoming a volunteer and/or joining a NGO is something he would do. (Realistic reason is applied along with his ideal.) him being a pack mule for the camera and filming equipment is a must!

  16. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by shikyo21 View Post
    Thanks for reviewing, though I'm suprised you're unfazed by the fact that Sakura died in a car accident and no comments from you. No offence, but only in Heroic Deed that I can see one of the main characters died from something like that rather than hunted down by a mage or something.
    What, you find it shocking that no-one but me seems to give a fuck about Sakura, or the utterly abominable way you treated her here...? If it had been Rin you'd done this to, I bet you'd have got a absolute bunch of flames....

  17. #77
    Quote Originally Posted by Mike1984 View Post
    What, you find it shocking that no-one but me seems to give a fuck about Sakura, or the utterly abominable way you treated her here...? If it had been Rin you'd done this to, I bet you'd have got a absolute bunch of flames....
    The question was mainly about the fact that a character died in a death we all can relate in real life rather than being gored by a serial killer or any creative ways to off someone we can find like The Saw films and any other splatter films.

  18. #78
    Mechanical Muses Old_Iron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shikyo21 View Post
    The question was mainly about the fact that a character died in a death we all can relate in real life rather than being gored by a serial killer or any creative ways to off someone we can find like The Saw films and any other splatter films.
    Well said, sir. Well said.
    The Art of Shipping is as profound as it is dangerous; not for the faint of heart nor the weak of will, it makes gods and devils out of us all.

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