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Thread: Target: Emiya Shirou and Servant Berserker: White Knight

  1. #21
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors lethum's Avatar
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    Use this.

  2. #22
    Before the battle begins……..


    “Captain Orimura, are you really sure about this?” Lieutenant Clarrisa Harfouch asks the captain responsible for this operation, Orimura Chifuyu.


    “Shirou will come, if Phantom Task is here he’ll surely come. That idiot loves to play hero so much I don’t think he’ll resist this.” The captain of the Black-Ops Squad, Orimura Chifuyu grinned at the idea that his step-brother will come blazing into the forest with who knows how many swords he’ll be summoning from his IS arsenal.


    “You know him too well don’t you?” The German lieutenant smiled at her sadly, aware that the woman in front of her is very fond of the young man she took in as a younger sibling. Even though Clarissa never did meet him in person, she and the rest of the members of Schwarzer Hase is aware of his existence within the four walls of his house next to Orimura Chifuyu. This is mostly because Chifuyu often mention him when she has one of those times of having a private conversation with Clarissa after training the recruits at any free time available during her stay.


    Other than that, Emiya Shirou has been on constant surveillance ever since the news of him being able to pilot has been out in the media. Needless to say, the higher ups are interested in how that male person managed to activate it.


    “I don’t know.” She told her in a failed attempt to make it sound monotonous. “He’s becoming a stranger to me now………” The tone of her voice implies sadness as opposed to scorn and anger along with hidden frustrations during the teams’ first meeting.


    This is not good. Clarissa Harfouch can see that despite the captain’s attempt to cover it, her tone of voice suggests otherwise. She’s breaking down. She instantly recognizes symptoms of fatigue and overstressed from the black haired woman.


    Orimura Chifuyu’s heart is breaking. Shirou has become much more distant from her ever since he graduated from IS academy. She is proud of him of participating in all of this volunteer work in foreign countries but what caused him to become what he is today? Her heart ache thinking of all the endless possibilities that could’ve befallen upon him during his travels. In a way, she blames herself for not stopping him back then. If only I was strict with him to choose his career path, then none of this would-


    “Captain Orimura.”Clarissa Harfouch spoke out. “I suggest you withdraw from this battle. You are not fit to perform your duties.” She declared. Her concerns faded replacing it with cold authority.


    “Don’t be ridiculous, I’m perfectly fine.” Chifuyu denied quickly.


    “With all due respect captain, you are too emotionally attached to the target and-”

    “I KNOW! I know……I know……..but still, this is my chance to meet him again. Shirou is coming and I will get him.” Chifuyu at her most out of character moment tries to convince the German lieutenant otherwise. She is aware that she is one of the people attached to their target in the operation but still this is her chance; a chance that she can’t just let go over her own personal emotions.


    “You’d still go after him captain?”


    “You know perfectly well that I won’t rest until I catch him.”


    I see. “Excuse me then captain, I’m going back to my post.” Clarissa Harfouch salutes at her and proceeds to leave the captain’s quarters of the base.

    The moment her hand touches the door’s handle -


    “This conversation is between us, completely off the records?” Chifuyu voiced out, her tone of voice sound quite threatening as if the other woman leaving the room has made her angry.


    “Affirmative.”


    The silence alone is tense that a knife can cut through it.


    “Harfouch……”


    “Umph?”


    “Thank you.”


    “Just doing my job, captain.” And so, Clarissa Harfouch left the room, a small smile can be seen on her face before it returns back to her usual serious mode. Both as officers and fellow women.

  3. #23
    祖 Ancestor Flere821's Avatar
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    Apart from there not being any more here, I find nothing wrong with this segment I was expecting more after reading to that point, this seems a bit like a cliffhanger >.>
    Quote Originally Posted by Elf View Post
    Elf, dealing fanfic crack for Beast Lair since 2007.
    Quote Originally Posted by Radiantbeam View Post
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    'Fae is Foul' - My SAO/ZnT Crossover fanfic (SB Thread) (FFN Link)

  4. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Flere821 View Post
    Apart from there not being any more here, I find nothing wrong with this segment I was expecting more after reading to that point, this seems a bit like a cliffhanger >.>
    that's because it's only a chip of the big block

    I'm uploading it bit by bit.

    I'm having trouble with EMIYA VS Chifuyu and what circumstance to summon Berserker, plus I could use some feedback of the scenes.

    EDIT: Speaking of which, when are you gonna update your Majutsu Index fanfic? The one where MikotoXToumaXMisaki centric.

  5. #25
    祖 Ancestor Flere821's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shikyo21 View Post
    that's because it's only a chip of the big block

    I'm uploading it bit by bit.

    I'm having trouble with EMIYA VS Chifuyu and what circumstance to summon Berserker, plus I could use some feedback of the scenes.
    Then may I ask for a slightly bigger bits in the future then? Like more than one scene?

    And just asking, Shirou/proto-EMIYA summoning Berserker? As in Lancelot (Black/white Knight contrast and all)? How is he doing this without a HGW going on? (or there IS a HGW going on in secret and he's chosen/pushed as the 7th one despite being nowhere near Fuyuki?) Zelretch Tabane did it?
    (And urgh, this just made me think of a crack idea Tabane is Zelretch's daughter and is trolling the world for lulz)


    As for feedback... this scene seems alright, though Chifuyu seems slightly OOC. Then again it might just be me, there ARE cases where she isn't the ice queen in IS canon... eg that bit at the pub drinking with the teacher with glasses.
    Quote Originally Posted by Elf View Post
    Elf, dealing fanfic crack for Beast Lair since 2007.
    Quote Originally Posted by Radiantbeam View Post
    Elf: Crack Dealer. Story at eleven.
    'Fae is Foul' - My SAO/ZnT Crossover fanfic (SB Thread) (FFN Link)

  6. #26
    Quote Originally Posted by Flere821 View Post
    Then may I ask for a slightly bigger bits in the future then? Like more than one scene?

    And just asking, Shirou/proto-EMIYA summoning Berserker? As in Lancelot (Black/white Knight contrast and all)? How is he doing this without a HGW going on? (or there IS a HGW going on in secret and he's chosen/pushed as the 7th one despite being nowhere near Fuyuki?) Zelretch Tabane did it?
    (And urgh, this just made me think of a crack idea Tabane is Zelretch's daughter and is trolling the world for lulz)


    As for feedback... this scene seems alright, though Chifuyu seems slightly OOC. Then again it might just be me, there ARE cases where she isn't the ice queen in IS canon... eg that bit at the pub drinking with the teacher with glasses.
    Will do. though It may take a while since I haven't finish editing them yet and possibility that there are scenes that requires more elaboration like what Fraggle did. Though Nasuverse lore I can get opinions and suggestions here.

    Shirou summon Berseker? Sadly, that is not the case in this current fanfic if that ever happens, well it might explain a few things and and most importantly should such situation ever occur; Shirou have no choice but to stop being who he is permanently.

    thanks for the feedback. I justify that Chifuyu is starting to lose her ice queen tendencies, since Shirou is her remaining family member and she is leading her own group to capture if not kill him. That will break anybody.
    Last edited by shikyo21; February 25th, 2012 at 02:08 AM.

  7. #27
    SIGH got busy with real life and I never have time to write though I have combat scene in which I think it's epic on its own, though I'm more worried about the nasueverse lore behind it and well it does follow the rule of cool. sure I got the information from Type-Moon wiki but think of it as getting approval from people from Beast Lair since I'm sure all of you are well-versed in the lore.

    The keyword is Hrunting.

    Combat Scene

    The scene below is not complete since when I wrote it I was more concerned about the nasuverse lore behind the weapon used. Oh, and both IS pilots are expy of Gundam Age 1 Spallow and Gundam Heavyarms.

    The projectile is no ordinary projectile. The makeshift arrow that was once a bladed weapon launched by the target is Hrunting.
    Hrunting as the name implies from the legend, is a pitch-black weapon with small edges coiling around the thin core, spiraling around it and curving forward.

    Aiming at the target, he aims the arrow straight at them.

    “Incoming projectile!” Her partner’s panicked look appears on her screen.

    “Just do it!” She shouted.

    “(Tch) Your funeral……..” Aware that her partner has a point that the target is now in a vulnerable state , She let loose with all of her anti-tank weaponry; mostly rockets and missiles.

    [Scene Break]

    With training and hard work that she endures both in IS Academy and the army, this young woman possess the talent to maneuver almost effortlessly among the trees as she dodges both the trees along with the rockets and missiles that were fired from the chain guns from her comrade. Her IS allows her with fast movement, surpassing ignition boosts at a much longer activation time period and efficiency. In other words, her IS is built for speed and hit and run tactics.

    Even he can’t aim with the bombardment in front of him.

    [Scene Break]

    However, both of their efforts are futile as the man in red fires the arrow from his bow: the sword Hrunting.

    With the speed of Mach 10, the makeshift arrow makes its way to kill the both of them with a single blow. It’s a shame that both of them will never know that once Hrunting turns into a makeshift projectile weapon, it will continue to pursue the target selected from the archer even if the target avoids it or defends against it with a shield and even to the point of the archer being able to adjust the possibilities of the arrow’s flight path. As such, the arrow literally went around the trees instead of piercing the wood, making its way to the enemy currently aiming at him with chain guns.

    [Scene Break]

    The arrow behind her finally hits the target after mysteriously appearing somehow from the many trees. The pilot never did figure it out yet alone think about how he did it as the projectile pierces her from behind and finally comes out from where her heart should have been milliseconds ago and then her IS exploded from the attack.

    [Unit 19 neutralized!] Bridge Bunny #1 announced.

    Before the other pilot could even react, the sword-turned-arrow with the speed of Mach 10 penetrates her IS Shield almost effortlessly and makes a hole through her torso instantly, causing her IS to explode in return.

    [Unit 20 neutralized!] Bridge Bunny #2 announced.

    [Scene Break]

    The first thing that the female pilot sees is a huge barrage of missiles being fired as she was ordered to back them up. Her screen display also caught an unidentified red glow that finally kills both of her comrades as their unit number disappeared from the screen. [This is unit 21 I’m seeing a red glow and two explosions; requesting backup!]
    She summons twin rifles, gulping as her heart beats faster than ever as she anticipates ‘his’ arrival. “Honestly, to think I tricked you into going out with me once, don’t disappoint me Emiya…..”

    And so, she prepares herself for combat as she saw a male figure, walking out from the smoke and fire. “(Whistles), gotta love him hot….” She remarked.

    Sounds of bullets fill the air with blood splattered to the snow on the ground as the hunt continues.

    [Scene Break]

    [Unit 21 spotted the target!] Bridge Bunny #1 announced.

    [Report to all units, we’ve found him.] Bridge Bunny #2 announced.

    You’ve come out Shirou? Good. Chifuyu glares at the screen as if she can scare him.

    [SCENE END]

    Tell me what you think, elaboration is a problem that I have to solve but did I get the nasuverse lore right or is it too much like it came out from a shonen series?
    Last edited by shikyo21; March 4th, 2012 at 07:10 AM.

  8. #28
    *bo~ing* *bo~ing* nununu's Avatar
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    I still don't get why Shirou is killing people left and right.

  9. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by nununu View Post
    I still don't get why Shirou is killing people left and right.
    you'll find out. This I can assure you.

  10. #30
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors fraggle's Avatar
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    I'd rather read about Shirou's youth then IS-archer fighting around . as for the Nasulore.....



    the plot is decent, but its far less important then polishing up your writing skills, elaboration is'nt the only thing that bothered me.


    Quote Originally Posted by shikyo21 View Post
    SIGH got busy with real life and I never have time to write though I have combat scene in which I think it's epic on its own, though I'm more worried about the nasueverse lore behind it and well it does follow the rule of cool. sure I got the information from Type-Moon wiki but think of it as getting approval from people from Beast Lair since I'm sure all of you are well-versed in the lore.

    The keyword is Hrunting.

    Combat Scene

    The scene below is not complete since when I wrote it I was more concerned about the nasuverse lore behind the weapon used. Oh, and both IS pilots are expy of Gundam Age 1 Spallow and Gundam Heavyarms.

    It's rather annoying when you place an AN at the start of your snippet under the title. place it above the title or at the end.




    The scene below is not complete since when I wrote it I was more concerned about the nasuverse lore behind the weapon used. Oh, and both IS pilots are expy of Gundam Age 1 Spallow and Gundam Heavyarms.

    Combat Scene


    The projectile is no ordinary projectile. The makeshift arrow that was once a bladed weapon launched by the target is Hrunting.
    Hrunting as the name implies from the legend, is a pitch-black weapon with small edges coiling around the thin core, spiraling around it and curving forward. (here you suddenly shift from an ' observer' to at explainer, which is annoying. Show, don't tell)

    Aiming at the target, he aims the arrow straight at them.

    “Incoming projectile!” Her partner’s panicked look appears on her screen. (changing P.O.V in 1 sentence? who's eyes are we watching the story from, Shirou or the IS-pilots? Choose one and stick with it for an entire scene before swiching again.

    “Just do it!” She shouted.

    “(Tch) Your funeral……..” Aware that her partner has a point that the target is now in a vulnerable state , She let loose with all of her anti-tank weaponry; mostly rockets and missiles. (again, don't tell, but show. say somethin gas " An parrage of missiles and rockets sped towards the target----" or something)

    [Scene Break]

    With training and hard work that she endures both in IS Academy and the army, this young woman( outsiders view again? because this is neither Shirou or the pilots P.O.V) possess the talent to maneuver almost effortlessly among the trees as she dodges both the trees along with the rockets and missiles that were fired from the chain guns from her comrade. Her IS allows her with fast movement, surpassing ignition boosts at a much longer activation time period and efficiency. In other words, her IS is built for speed and hit and run tactics.

    Even he can’t aim with the bombardment in front of him.( and we are back to shirou again in the span of one sentence)

    [Scene Break]

    However, both of their efforts are futile as the man in red fires the arrow from his bow: the sword Hrunting. ( Show, don't tell)

    With the speed of Mach 10, the makeshift arrow makes its way to kill the both of them with a single blow. It’s a shame that both of them will never know that once Hrunting turns into a makeshift projectile weapon, it will continue to pursue the target selected from the archer even if the target avoids it or defends against it with a shield and even to the point of the archer being able to adjust the possibilities of the arrow’s flight path.( Show, don't tell).

    As such, the arrow literally went around the trees instead of piercing the wood, making its way to the enemy currently aiming at him with chain guns.

    [Scene Break]

    The arrow behind her finally hits the target after mysteriously appearing somehow from the many trees. The pilot never did figure it out yet alone think about how he did it as the projectile pierces her from behind and finally comes out from where her heart should have been milliseconds ago and then her IS exploded from the attack.

    [Unit 19 neutralized!] Bridge Bunny #1 announced.
    (announced, very well as long as you don' t use it twice -----)

    Before the other pilot could even react, the sword-turned-arrow with the speed of Mach 10 penetrates her IS Shield almost effortlessly and makes a hole through her torso instantly, causing her IS to explode in return.

    [Unit 20 neutralized!] Bridge Bunny #2 announced. ( what did I just say?)

    TO do:


    Tenses: My own mortal enemy, but they have a purpose. When telling a story use the past tenses unless a character speaks.

    Show, don' t tell : don't explain anything by just stating it! describe things, or have characters boast about their awesome weapons, but NEVER TELL!

    Point of View: Pick a character for a scene and stick with him/her/it!. describe the events form her point of view, and don't go back into observer mode between sentences!


    and finally, yeah, flesh out the dialogue and the characters more. less script, more story.


    Illya is best servant

  11. #31
    Don't worry, the liquid is resplendent Incarnite Azurnum's Avatar
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    ^ What he said. Though the show don't tell part is more of a balancing act. You want to show some stuff, other times you tell them. Most of the time people need to put more showing than telling. Its generally hard to find a case when the person needs to tell more than show.

  12. #32
    Show, don' tell got it sorry for late reply oh and thanks for the criticism Fraggle.

    oh and nununu, It's just that I'm interested of writing like Yoshiyuki Tomino's kill-em-all stories, besides both Heroic Deed and Servant Berserker: White Knight is all about the consequences of Emiya Shirou's actions. I don't have to say it but it's pretty much obvious why Shirou is killing people left and right (Technically not a spoiler).

  13. #33
    *bo~ing* *bo~ing* nununu's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shikyo21 View Post
    I don't have to say it but it's pretty much obvious why Shirou is killing people left and right (Technically not a spoiler).
    Because he's acting OOC?

    If whatever reason for this is tied to Phantom Task, then you'd have to at least explain what Phantom Task is. You haven't.

  14. #34
    Quote Originally Posted by nununu View Post
    Because he's acting OOC?

    If whatever reason for this is tied to Phantom Task, then you'd have to at least explain what Phantom Task is. You haven't.
    Because he's a counter guardian to begin with, what they are fighting is not Shirou but a counter guardian tasked with wiping out Phantom Task. Which means that the entire operation was a complete failure to begin with and a waste of good soldiers and ISes. Heck, I even want very very miffed Einzberns to get involved with the action.

    Sure, this version of counter guardian has an IS latched in his body but I'm not basing it on canon material completely.

    In this story, Shirou died without Chifuyu even knowing it which explains his kill-a-lot of people behaviour. When I wrote this, I planned making how, when and why he died as ambiguous; the same with his school days in IS academy.

    Only clue I can give is that In this story, Shirou died when he was involved with volunteer work (Similiar in Heroic Deed)

  15. #35
    *bo~ing* *bo~ing* nununu's Avatar
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    Well, that explains a lot.

    You might want to put those in spoilers though. Sounds like an important, yet-unrevealed plot point.

  16. #36
    Quote Originally Posted by nununu View Post
    Well, that explains a lot.

    You might want to put those in spoilers though. Sounds like an important, yet-unrevealed plot point.
    Just a question, Einzberns can create a boundary fields right? I mean during the battle imagine combat savvy Einzberns (Maids with halberds and butlers with swords and maybe a magus or two) joining in attacking the base Harfouch is in and most importantly their boundary field jamming their communications network.

    Oh and no point hiding it now, I plan to hear advice and opinions here in Beast Lair. Don't take this the wrong way but My target audience is still back only in ff.net and well I'm sure majority of them don't come here anyway. Again, no offence to anyone here.

  17. #37
    死徒二十七祖 The Twenty Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors fraggle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shikyo21 View Post
    Because he's a counter guardian to begin with


    Sorry Shikyo21, but I'm going to rant at you real hard right now.



    Why, why do people keep thinking that counter guardians can be used as characters!? IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!


    Counterguardians are formless, invisible powers that act without being observed. Anything that is even close to its active radius end up DEAD!! You cannot use a counter guardian as a valid character. Emiya Shirou did not become a counter guardian until after his death.The only reason Archer was a character in F/SN was because he was simply a construct based on EMIYA's information, like any servant made by the grail.


    summary: COUNTERFORCE = CTRL + A ---DELETE. End of story, nothing else to see here people.


    My personal opinion is that you had a great idea for a plot, but you are throwing most of it away. I thing people would be far more interested to see how Shirou got involved with IS to start with, and how the boy who wants to become an hero would fit in a place like IS academy.


    Illya is best servant

  18. #38
    *bo~ing* *bo~ing* nununu's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fraggle View Post
    My personal opinion is that you had a great idea for a plot, but you are throwing most of it away. I thing people would be far more interested to see how Shirou got involved with IS to start with, and how the boy who wants to become an hero would fit in a place like IS academy.
    Yeah. I came here expecting to read Shirou's shenanigans in IS Academy. What I got is writing that doesn't do IS(anime's at least)'s combat scenes justice. Those were pretty good. You should work on that, IMO, since you've pretty much outright stated that is what you want to be this fic's selling point.

  19. #39
    祖 Ancestor nitewind's Avatar
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    Just one thing fraggle it's counterguardians that are rocks fall everone dies. Counterforce is a different thing. And I'm with fraggle and nununu on this one shikyo.
    Spoiler:
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  20. #40
    Don't worry, the liquid is resplendent Incarnite Azurnum's Avatar
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    Difference between Counter-Guardian and Counter-Force for Dummies:

    The Counter-Force is the equivalent of a Banhammer only with more "You're screeeeeeewwweeeeeed", which are used differently by Gaia and Alaya. Gaia Banhammers people/things/events if they threaten to kill it. Alaya uses the Banhammer to keep humanity as a whole alive and to stop people reaching Akasha.

    Counter-Guardians are Alaya's sock puppets for when an extinction event is going to happen.

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