Originally Posted by
Frantic Author
I came here, read the first bit and thought one thing -
"Gee I can't wait to see how Shirou gets to this point from the start - it is certainly pretty interesting."
Instead I'm getting Massmurderer!Shirou with minimalist writing. Show me that he's killing people. Metaphors, similes, imagery - these are your friends.
Also, combining FSN with IS and then throwing not shenanigans at the IS Academy at me made me kind of sad. I wanted to see Shirou and Shinonono(nononononono) Houki, and Cecilia Alcott! I wanted Laura and Charlotte, and Chifuye being a cynical bitch!
Your minimalist style really retracts from your story. I don't get a feel for the characters in two sentences, I don't see how they act, how they think, or how they feel as well as I should in a oneshot (oneshots are usually really emotional and shit right)
Also: A good example is that a Counter Guardian is like a hurricane - it destroys everything in its path, and doesn't ever stop. It kills them all and lets God sort them out. A Counter Guardian is invisible to mortal eyes - not 'normal' means, but mortal means. He doesn't need to be seen, because he's a force of fucking nature.
Nitpick time.
How do you not notice someone died? Shirou had a fucking harem if he replaces Ichika, and he's hounded by like the entire school! How does Chifuye know its Shirou murderizing everyone if he's invisible - covered in blood stains does not show a face!