Reading through the first chapter, I'd have to say that it's absolutely peppered with small grammatical errors, and for me (and a few others like me, some more caustic than others) it can be a deal breaker. You mentioned another writer; mayhap you or he could take some extra time between you once chapters are finished to look for grammatical errors, or find some third guy willing to beta for you? I'll edit with more stuff as I find it, unless lots of posting starts happenin'.
First part of the second chapter and you've snapped my suspension of disbelief in half; probably the only person who could get away with forcefully and intentionally breaking down the Clock Tower's literal front door (Servant or no) is Zelretch, for the reason that most everybody is too scared of him to confront him directly.
Continuing on to the third chapter; Hassan-i Sabbah isn't the Man Under the Hill; by Marco Polo's (impossible) account and Nasuverse canon, he's the Old Man of the Mountain.
Fourth chapter: CS'd orders for a Servant to go to a place will result in the Servant being at that place immediately, unless they successfully resist it, in which case they don't go anywhere. Perseus would have disappeared, not been carried off.
Aaaand that's kinda where I got bored and stopped reading. Rest of the chapter was fine, though the mechanical flaws kept me from empathizing with whatshisface when he left his parents (they also made it remarkably difficult for me to remember his name, because he isn't memorable.)
All in all, definitely in need of a rewrite, a beta, and it feels like it also needs some actual storyboarding. The story seems to want to take place in an isolated middle-of-nowhere, except you stuck it not only in London, but close to the Clock Tower; shit has to be going down like whoa in the background, cause there's no way in hell Waver would just lie down and let the War start up again (and in a densely populated area).
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