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Thread: Severed Bonds (FSN/Madoka crossover)

  1. #1
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle
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    Severed Bonds (FSN/Madoka crossover)

    This is my Madoka/FSN crossover and my first full type-moon/fate fanfiction (snippets don't count as full stories to me), mostly inspired at seeing the similarities between the two franchises.

    This fic MIGHT be accompanies by my own personal light sketch fanart (hard to do, since university killed off most of previous art talent)
    - Title page: In construction
    - Command seal designs: Will post them soon.


    Author's note: I will tell you now that Updates WILL NOT be regular and MAY be rare because I have a full time job, and my beta is very bubsy himself. So therefore, if there's anybody that would like to carry on my fic, I will gladly send him/her my notes.

    Ideas ARE VERY WELCOME. That also includes Snippets. xD


    Well, sorry to keep you waiting, here is part 1:

    Chapter 2
    Chapter 3 part 1
    Chapter 3 part 2
    Chapter 3 part 3
    Chapter 3 last part
    Chapter 4 part 1

    - - - Updated - - -

    Severed Bonds (Fate/Madoka crossover) part 1

    It was unforeseen, as the machine that was Emiya Kiritsugu tried to process this new information. What information could perhaps affect his future, a possible heir? Possibly? But the fact that because of the result of his sexual frustration had resulted in the birth of another child.

    Knowing Hisau Maiya, as Kiritsugu knew, she would do anything for the man. If he had ordered the child be killed by her hand, she would do it. And it is at this moment, that Kiritsugu had to act, would he abort the baby and then focus back on the preparations of the 4th Grail War. Time was already at the essence, and he knows that he also needed to handle Ilya as well.

    Memories of his daughter, if he even had the right to call her by that, brought nothing but self disgust. The disgust from knowing the fact that he was going to sentence both his wife and perhaps her daughter to their deaths, as he pursued the goal of saving the world with the least amount of casualties.

    It was already built into him, a scale of sorts, to allow him to analyse the best outcomes with the least expense. It was a form of Utilitarianism that was hardened through his own experience and from the expense of the blood of many others. So again, he was forced to think through…

    Just give the word, to get rid of the baby, and that was it
    . He stared at his female assassin partner, who stared back at him emotionlessly, a facial expression much like his own.

    “Maiya…”

    He continued, this time, surprising himself, “Keep the baby, we’ll deliver it now.” Was God on the side of the unborn infant, whatever it was, Kiritsugu knew that his thought process surprised even himself. However, as the outcomes laid into mind inside his head, perhaps it would not end up too badly.

    With the possibility of another child to take care of, well, another option was to leave it to the Einzbern head, and maybe they could take care of the child, much like they would care for Ilya. But Kiritsugu remembered, the Einzbern family were one of the 3 Ancient families that had helped to create the Holy Grail, and more than that, they were a proud family, they would not accept such an offer, even if it is from their own trump card. They only had a deal, Kiritsugu would win the Grail for the honour of the Einzberns, and in return, they would allocate the resources to finding a suitable artifact to summon a worthy Servant.

    Kiritsugu closed his eyes in thought, making his resolve, he headed to one of the doctors, one that he hoped would understand the circumstances. Personally, both giving birth or commencing with abortion may be risky for Maiya, and Kiritsugu knows just how important of an asset his partner was going to be, in the upcoming war, especially when one has to keep several steps above elite Magi.

    With much negotiation, and asserting his position about the necessity to prevent any unfavourable circumstances, Kiritsugu told the medical staff of the Einzberns that his partner was pregnant and had to deliver the baby as soon as possible and to maximise safety for both the woman and the child.

    The doctor nodded while greeting the Einzbern head about the circumstances. The head of the proud European family gestured with his hand, granting his position on the matter, he had allowed it but he looked into Kiritsugu’s eyes. “I am not doing this for free, Emiya Kiritsugu. I want your mind to be fully focused on the matter, that is the only reason we hired you instead of creating another Artificial master like what we had done in the previous 3 wars. Do I make myself clear Magus Killer?”

    That nickname came with the reputation alright. The said assassin kneeled on bended knee, “This much I swear, elder, as long as I am the Einzbern master, I will ensure nothing but complete victory for the family.”
    “This oath better come true, Magus Killer.” Making his point, the elder returned back to his throne room, with his 2 Homunculi bodyguards.
    The black haired man rose up from his stance and went to his own personal quarters, where a certain object served as the living testament of his sins. The object laid in front of him, this object was the first kill he had ever committed. The body of Emiya Noritaka, laid preserved through Magic and also using the Einzbern homunculi technology while the vital organs were removed from the corpse, leaving nothing but the majority of the Family Crest.

    Every time Kiritsugu looked at the his dead father, it reinforced the belief that the massacre in his village should never be repeated EVER again, and to do so, he killed off many people, much like his father, or so he thought. Selfish mages, Ghouls, some innocent people that were caught in the misfire were his sacrifices in his path. All of their sacrifices were necessary in bringing such a perfect world.
    That was, until he heard about the Holy Grail, the omniscient wish grantor, or at least that was what both the Einzbern family and the literature had talked about, and now with the Command seals on his right hand, it was proof that he was a participant.

    “Mr. Emiya.” The voice shook away his thoughts about the Holy Grail for now, the doctor already gathered the supplies for the Caesarian Section, Kiritsugu didn’t pay much attention, afterall, he was already used to the sight of blood anyways…

    “Ah, look, it’s a girl! She looks so beautiful!” cried out a voice, it was a voice that anybody in the Einzbern castle would recognise, the white haired homunculus carried the baby from the surprised doctor, who was wondering why Maiya wasn’t even showing the baby with affection and instead allowing a complete stranger to take her infant.

    Irisviel held the baby girl up high, and in response, the baby giggled and made noises while stretching her limbs. “Hah! She’s an energetic one, maybe you get that from your parents.” Irisviel turned to Maiya with her smile, the mother of the child looked at infant with a blank look. With a small bit of hesitation, Maiya picked up her infant for the first time. The baby remained as energetic as ever.

    As for the mother of the infant, she had no idea what to do. All her life, she had known despair and at least in her heart, she carried little affection for anything in life. Well, excluding the ray of hope that is her savior from the battlefield, Emiya Kiritsugu. The most that Maiya could do is to consult that savior, hoping that he would help provide the answers that she needed.

    Kiritsugu scooped up the child from Maiya’s stretched hands, his mask already in place, he cuddled the child. Much like how one would rehearse a script, his acts of affection were mechanical. However, infants were extremely sensitive to the slightest of emotions.
    The baby’s giggles completely stopped, and turned into a sad frown. While the baby was silent, she knows that something is wrong with this man, or at least, she believes that this man was supposed to be her father. But the fact remains is that this child is already feeling like she was going to be abandoned?

    When Irisviel sensed the change of emotions with the infant, she dragged Maiya and came closer with that wild grin on her face. Her positive atmosphere was contagious, enough for Kiritsugu’s mask to melt slightly and turn his mechanical into one that is closer to affection that a baby would want.

    “So, what name have you thought for the baby? Maiya?” The mother of the child shook her head, giving Irisviel the impression that she hasn’t even thought of the possibility of giving her child a name yet because she was placing duty towards Kiritsugu above all else. With that, irisviel turned towards her husband, “What about you dear? Any ideas?”

    “None, whatsoever.” With that, Kiritsugu promptly walked outside of the room, followed by Maiya. This left Irisviel with the infant back to her arms. With her hands striking a thinking pose, an idea came to mind, thinking up of some Einzbern literature on poetry. “Well, you have the spirit as strong as a burning fire, I will call you Homura, assuming my Japanese language is correct.” With that, the baby started to giggle again. Irisviel continued to cradle the baby, “let me introduce you to Illya…”

    But for Kiritsugu, he already thought about the possibilities that his own child, along with Ilya would either be left behind during the Grail War and it would be likely that this baby would be given up to adoption anyways. Either those 2 options, or taking a possible chance that this infant would possibly be Kiritsugu’s successor. With a conflict as dangerous as the Holy Grail war, while he had still given the oath, there was still a possibility of failure and then who would take the reins of carrying out his dreams.
    Luckily for the father, he still managed to dig out old documents and mission files regarding Natalia, the closest thing he had for a mother, at least it would help in educating the child, once she was of age of course. Sparing a glance at Maiya at the door, he gestured for her to enter the office and to discuss the future of her daughter.

    ……………………………………………………………………..

    It was 6 years after the birth of Emiya Homura, and she has grown both physically and mentally. Although, one can say that her maturity surpasses those of the kids of her age, as she spent only a little time with her parents, thus having Irisviel filling in the void as a surrogate mother, and in her mind, she knew her blood parents were extremely busy. Other than that, she would often play with Illya, her sister.
    The difference of blood made no difference to either Illya or Homura, as they played with each other in the snow. Illya, due to the age difference of 3 years above Homura, established the role as the friendly older sister character and the black haired girl would often follow suit.

    “Ah, look there.” Homura pointed to one of the trees, to a certain tree with branches, the white haired homunculus looked at where the finger was pointing to, and made a wide grin, “That is a walnut tree, Kiritsugu played with me when I was smaller, when I think when you were a baby.”

    “Oh, Father has played with you?” It was a curious question, it was a rare sight to see her father in such high spirits. Well, Homura just assumed that Kiritsugu being with Illya gave him good memories, he remembered a smile only reserved when Irisviel or when she is with her daughter. When Kiritsugu looked at her or her birth mother, his facial expression remained stoic. Could it be that my father is refusing me, but why? As Homura continued to think deeper into the matter, but no answer popped up.
    “Homu-chan?” The nickname that Illya gave to Homura, she showed concern over why her younger sister was being quiet. But Illya picked up the fact that it was related to their mutual father, ever the positive thinker, Ilya patted Homura’s back, “Then for the next time, you can join both Kiritsugu and I when we go Walnut tree hunting.” Illya’s nature was always like a light beacon for Homura, and It brought back the smile to her face.

    A slight malicious idea just crossed Homura’s mind as she continued to pretend to feel sad while scooping snow with her hands. As the concerned Illya came closer, Homura threw the formed snowball at her white haired sister and began to laugh as Illya got chucked at with snow.

    “Ho.mu.ra…” The white haired homunculus started to emit a dark aura, with a dark grin of her own. “I will count to 3, Homu-chan, you may want to run before I bury you in snow ok?” With that cue, Homura immediately took off to evade the wrath of her older sister. Even though, Illya was serious in catching Homura to pay her back, it goes to show how strong the bonds are between the two girls. The two laughed as one chased the other, and the snow began to pour more heavily, but no amount of snow can bury the burning spirits of either Homura or Illya at that time.

    In the keep, in his personal room, he took a seat, he began writing orders to his contacts in Fuyuki City in addition to Einzbern spies that he was lent for the preparation of the war. Fuyuki City was a large city, and thus setting a potential foothold is important to gain an advantage. Maiya told Kiritsugu that she would be leaving within the day to rent a potential hotel to act as a proxy base.
    After his preparations, Kiritsugu walked over to the window where he could observe his daughters from atop the castle and sighed, “Those girls will not experience happiness in the future.” He held his palm and covered his face in shame, regretting the fact that he cannot even provide a happy future as what a normal father would do. But, there is one thing to be sure, they would live in a world free of suffering as soon as he wins the Holy Grail, it was the only thing he could do for Illya, as she would lose her mother and for Homura, who Kiritsugu fully intended to welcome her with open hearts and resume what Natalia had intended for him in return.
    In the end, he only played with Homura once, and that was only because Illya had begged Kiritsugu to play with her. It was also the first time that Homura had smiled back at him…

    --------------------------------------------

    Even for Homura, her happiness was becoming short lived. She wasn’t given the opportunity to see Illya often and the white haired Einzbern princess was often kept in Irisviel’s room. The Elder had forbidden any “external” contact with others, other than Kiritsugu.
    For many days, Homura was alone to read books in the Einzbern library. To be honest, nothing much caught her attention and she would rather enjoy the company of an another human being, or most preferably, with her sister Illya.
    At night time, she sneaked outside of her room in an attempt to find Illya. But because of how large the castle was, and the interior could be compared to a labyrinth, it was no easy task.

    After getting lost for about an hour, she practically lost hope and made to return back. It was easier to return to her room, considering that her room was practically on the other side of the castle where visitors DON’T get lost.

    When walking back, she wasn’t looking ahead of her and bumped headfirst into a person.

    “Easy there, ah it’s Homura, what are you doing here?” As always, the mother of Illya was smiling at Homura, and probably the closest to a mother that she could ever have hoped for.

    Homura looked as though she had her hand in the cookie jar, and she fiddled her fingers. Well, she isn’t going to lie, considering that Irisviel could see right through her and well, her dark side should remain concealed.

    “I was looking for Illya, but I got lost.” Homura answered truthfully as her face began turning red in embarrassment.

    Irisviel looked affirmatively at Homura, she also understood her grandfather’s orders about forbidding contact, but she also knew that Illya could use the company because Kiritsugu would be leaving for the Holy Grail War.

    An idea came up for Irisviel, “wait here Homura, I would be right back” She had the grin of a prankster as she left for upstairs.
    Homura became confused, what exactly is Illya’s mother planning? After 3 minutes of waiting, Irisviel returned with a black dress? And a hood? What’s this? Homura’s mind just jammed. “To hide you silly!” Irisviel responded energetically, “It’s night time, so if you wear black, then you won’t be seen at all. And since I am a resident of this castle, I know where every room is, like if they were in the back of my palm.”

    The black haired girl silently nodded, it was both a smart and a dumb idea, smart because it uses the shadows to the maximum degree but dumb because it places both Irisviel and herself at risk if the Elder were to get word of this. But, it was too late to back out, the urge to see Illya was more important.

    It didn’t take too long at least for Homura, well being concealed into a black dressware and being blind if she were to say. But they managed to reach Illya’s personal chambers. Irisviel waved away and stepped away to allow the sisters to share some private time.
    Illya sat on her bed, her always eager nature was not present, she was looking outside with an unreadable expression, the only thing that slightly snapped her out was the incoming footsteps from the door.

    “Homu-chan?” Illya questioned as she saw the black haired girl approach, and took off her heavy clothing revealing her dark haired sister underneath.

    “Hey Illya, it’s been awhile.” Homura greeted, “I didn’t get to play with you that much during this week. Are you busy?”

    Illya frowned, “I was busy. Great Grandfather was busy lecturing me about the Einzbern family and it’s history and about the pride that comes with it.” She continued, “I hardly have the time to even talk with Kiritsugu. Great Grandfather says that I have to be worthy of being the next heir and that I don’t have time to waste with unimportant matters.”

    Homura reacted, “Unimportant matters? You think I am unimportant?” Her smile turned into a frown.

    Illya tried to reason with Homura, “Of course not, you are important to me, you are like my younger sister.”

    “I thought I am your younger sister…” The black haired girl looked down on the floor.

    “Please, Homura. I know you are not happy. But I can’t help it.” Illya pleaded.

    “I understand completely.” Homura stepped up to leave, 2 tears leaving her eyes.

    Illya was hopeless to see her sister leave, “I will see you again for sure right?”

    The response was, “I hope so…”

    And so, the rift between the two was formed.
    ------------------------------------
    The day had finally come when Kiritsugu had summoned his Servant, he had been expecting the great King Arthur, but instead he got a blonde woman dressed in a male knight’s armour. Even the great Kiritsugu failed to withhold his shock and have to add, slight disappointment.

    “Who the hell are you?” The black haired assassin narrowed his eyes to a glare at his own Servant.

    The response came back instantly and it was stoic, expected for a Servant who wanted to keep her composure after being regarded "differently" than a normal summon. “I am the Servant Saber, as you have summoned me, you are my Master.”
    Kiritsugu narrowed his eyes, “I see, Saber. And I assume you are the Legendary Arthur Pendragon?”

    Saber nodded, “Yes, I am. Or rather you can call me Arturia Pendragon, I am the wielder of Excalibur and I promise you this, we will win the Holy Grail.”

    The master of Saber walked out of the summoning hall without a word.

    “Wait, master!” The Blue clad king was about to follow her master until Irisviel held up her hand to stop her.
    “Please, let him go, he needs time to process this information.” Irisviel said calmly.

    “And you are?” questioned Saber, and with her hand on the blade in case this is an enemy.

    “Oh, forgive my manners, I am Irisviel von Einzbern, I come from the Einzbern family and the wife of Emiya Kiritsugu, who is your master.”
    With that, Saber released her hold immediately. “Forgive me milady, I do not mean to aim my sword at a family member of my Master. Please accept my forgiveness.”

    The homunculus smiled back, “No need to worry, there was no harm done. You have not deliberately attack me, and it can’t be helped if you are in the midst of strangers.”

    Saber was about to berate herself again, when Irisviel cut her off, “Do you fancy some tea, my family has quite a large stock of various teas made in Europe?”

    The blonde king replied, “Your generosity is very welcome.”
    ----------------------------
    Kiritsugu met with Illya one last time, and she became eager as she played counting the walnuts but her enthusiasm was not at it’s peak as the guilt with Homura was still eating at her. And she cannot even bring out the subject to Kiritsugu or even to her Mom because it was something that she wanted to resolve with her own hands. She IS Homura’s big sister and she would act the role.

    Once Illyasviel builds up enough courage, then she would play with Homura all day long even if it disobeys her great grandfather, Homura’s smile is much more important.
    Illya climbed on Kiritsugu’s back and laid there. It was warm, but she was sure that if Homura had joined her, it would be much warmer.
    -----------------------------
    After playing with Illya, Kiritsugu called a meeting for Irisviel and Saber. In here, they discussed their tactics and about using Irisviel to be the decoy master for Saber, to avoid other Masters from targeting Kiritsugu while giving the opportunity for him to remove his targets.
    Saber was not really pleased with the arrangements at all.

    “Why are you using Irisviel as a decoy? She would be helpless by herself!” Saber shouted.

    “I am not isolating Iri at all, YOU, will accompany her as a bodyguard and as a Servant.”
    Kiritsugu knew where to hit, for the proud King of Knights and her code of chivalry, she would have no choice but to obey due to prioritising Irisviel’s safety in the Holy Grail War.

    The black man continued, “And besides, I am not the man that would go in head first encounters.” He picked up the plane schedule for both Irisviel and for Saber, “I will arrive in Fuyuki City first with Maiya, and then you 2 would reach the location by a different airline. Maiya or myself would rendezvous with you later.”

    “As you wish Master,” as Saber decided to avoid pursuing the issue.

    “And the meeting is adjourned.” Kiritsugu picked up his suitcase and left the 2 women to their business. And besides, there was one more additional matter to take care of before the Holy Grail War started.

    The Magus Killer headed for Homura’s room.
    ------------------------
    Homura was waiting in her room patiently, as she waited for something to happen.

    The door opened, and her father stepped in, “Homura, pack your belongings, I am going to send you to the Fujimura household for the timebeing.” The man looked at the room briefly before deciding to help, it was an abrupt call and at least Kiritsugu knew that Homura would need some assistance to pack up.

    Clothing and necessities were packed along with an extra sleeping bag in case Homura needed one when staying at the different home.
    When Homura was about to pack her last belonging (that she knows), Kiritsugu motioned for her to come to him.

    “Yes?” Asked Homura, shyly as if she was about to brace for an unknown punishment.

    “Although, I can’t guarantee that I could be able to teach you after this ‘business’, so here’s a small book, read it when you are at Fujimura and if you need information, do not hesitate to use the library.” Kiritsugu had a somewhat sympathetic tone to Homura, but she was still curious about the contents of the book, if it were to be so important to be included in her luggage.

    “The plane will leave soon, so bring your belongings to the car and we would hurry, Homura.”

    The girl nodded sadly, the chance to reconcile with Illya would not come.

    She took slow steps, towards the exit of the room and then outside of the castle, with a heavy heart…
    ---------------------------
    Illya finally clasped her fists in joy. She can’t wait to meet with Homura again, and this time she would make things right and further establish that the older sister should care for the younger sister. Dressing up in a purple dress, she went to Homura’s room, only to discover it was empty.

    “Homura, where are you?”
    The sight of practically nothing in the room was VERY suscipious, even for a 8 year old Homunculus.

    She began to throw a tantrum, “Just when I was ready to apologise, you disappear on me Homura! Where are you?!”
    The family members would know, she stormed back to the Keep and going back to her mother’s room. The smell of tea was nice inside, but that wasn’t important to Illya right now.

    The white haired girl stomped her feet, “Where is Homura? There is nobody there, and Kiritsugu is nowhere to be seen either!”
    Irisviel looked confused and lowered the cup of tea, “Didn’t Kiritsugu tell you? Homura is leaving, she is going to be staying with the Fujimura family for the timebeing.” Surely, Irisviel would thought that Kiritsugu would at least tell Illya about where her sister had left, but with Illya demanding where Homura is, she guessed that her husband didn’t tell Illya.

    Illya dressed as quickly as she could and if she could run outside, maybe she could catch up to her sister and apologise. Her chest was beating very fast as she hurried to put on the boots, jacket and the hat.

    The snowfall was still pretty light and the snow was not too deep, so therefore, Illya ran outside without slipping or sinking into the snow. She only caught a brief moment of Homura walking on the peak of a small hill.

    “Homu-chan!!!!!” The voice echoed throughout the snow, with Illya hoping that it would reach her sister.

    It did, as the black haired girl turned around to look at Illya in the face. It was a expression that displayed sorrow and loneliness. Homura waved back to the best of her ability before turning back and continued walking in Kiritsugu’s direction.

    The young homunculus saw her sister waving back at her, she waved back with a smile. Once, Homura crossed the hill, Illya collapsed to the snow while crying out for Homura to come back.

    Unfortunately, her cries were unheard…
    Last edited by blitz1/2; January 19th, 2014 at 12:31 PM. Reason: Back from church, corrected paragraph spacing.

  2. #2
    Preformance Pertension SeiKeo's Avatar
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    Okay, big piece of advice - though it looks decent so far, I can only read so much, because your Enter key is very lonely.
    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    That time they checked out that hot guy they were just admiring his watch, yeah?


  3. #3
    Licensed Fatman ZidanReign's Avatar
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    Wall of text

    my eyes they burn

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    Don't @ me if your fanfic doesn't even have Shirou/Illya shipping k thnx ItsaRandomUsername's Avatar
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    Nice concept, but spacing please. Does wonders for your work.
    McJon01: We all know that the real reason Archer would lose to Rider is because the events of his own Holy Grail War left him with a particular weakness toward "older sister" types.
    My Fanfics. Read 'em. Or not.



  5. #5
    後継者 Successor
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZidanReign View Post
    Wall of text

    my eyes they burn
    Ironic considering your avatar.

    How do you like THEM apples.


    But like the others said: editing is your friend.

  6. #6
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle
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    I had to rush to church IMMEDIATELY, after uploading this fic. After, I came back (now), I fixed the paragraphs. Maybe it was a mistake to write it in word and simply submitting it?

  7. #7
    Preformance Pertension SeiKeo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blitz1/2 View Post
    I had to rush to church IMMEDIATELY, after uploading this fic. After, I came back (now), I fixed the paragraphs. Maybe it was a mistake to write it in word and simply submitting it?
    Yeah, that happens if you have it set to auto-space between para-

    WE HOMU NOW
    Quote Originally Posted by asterism42 View Post
    That time they checked out that hot guy they were just admiring his watch, yeah?


  8. #8
    O yay, this should be interesting to follow.

  9. #9
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle
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    Quote Originally Posted by LeopardBear View Post
    Yeah, that happens if you have it set to auto-space between para-

    WE HOMU NOW
    Thanks for the advice, I'll do that next time.

    EDIT:
    This picture was a high motivator.
    http://danbooru.donmai.us/post/show/...comic-creator_

    That, and I actually suggested that Homura should be Kiritsugu's reincarnation and daughter in the Anime North panel and everybody went ?_? until I had to break it down section and section, abilities, attitude, behaviour etc. xd
    Last edited by blitz1/2; June 30th, 2012 at 06:30 PM.

  10. #10
    祖 Ancestor nitewind's Avatar
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    Nice start though you really need to work on your tenses.
    Spoiler:
    As a general rule I hold no opinions that I have not been paid to hold.
    I am now a beta, so if you need help with a story feel free to ask.

    Words of wisdom from ItsaRandomUsername:
    "Pssh, with proper writing almost anything can be logical. If it can work believably, then there's no reason why it shouldn't.
    Please note the keywords: "proper" and "almost". Bad storytelling mixed with nonsensical couplings are the drunk-driving of literature."

    Quote Originally Posted by Kiiam View Post
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  11. #11
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle
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    Quote Originally Posted by nitewind View Post
    Nice start though you really need to work on your tenses.
    Yea, I am aware of that. Unfortunately, that is why I need a beta to look over it, as I tend to overlook tenses. And my beta is pretty much unavailable for the majority of this month.

  12. #12
    Mission Accomplished KAIZA's Avatar
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    Well, I'm sure you could ask someone around here to beta your chapters.
    Here's a thread you could try.

    Also, nice start. Gonna be watching this.

  13. #13
    Artistic Alien Kuradora's Avatar
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    Not bad, I like this.
    Quote Originally Posted by Vigilantia View Post
    Time to go to the holodeck! *Rams head up Sakura's vagina*

  14. #14
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle
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    ch 2 is out on fanfiction.net

  15. #15
    The Warrior of the Shadows kinlyki's Avatar
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    And I, DarkMegaSF on FF net, am the one who beta'ed it.
    With each day, one draws closer to death,


    With each day, one expends more of one's life,


    With each day, one obtains more memories,


    With each day, one gets closer to losing them all.

  16. #16
    Evil Good RadiantBeam's Avatar
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    Well, certainly a very interesting premise! I'm intrigued.



  17. #17
    祖 Ancestor nitewind's Avatar
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    Definetly like what you've got so far. You may want a second person to go over your work though, I spotted several errors that your beta apparently missed.
    Spoiler:
    As a general rule I hold no opinions that I have not been paid to hold.
    I am now a beta, so if you need help with a story feel free to ask.

    Words of wisdom from ItsaRandomUsername:
    "Pssh, with proper writing almost anything can be logical. If it can work believably, then there's no reason why it shouldn't.
    Please note the keywords: "proper" and "almost". Bad storytelling mixed with nonsensical couplings are the drunk-driving of literature."

    Quote Originally Posted by Kiiam View Post
    Nothing helps you mature more than a little murder, especially in the Nasuverse.
    We are Beast's Lair!
    Derailer among derailers!
    Look upon the continuity of thy threads ye mighty, and DESPAIR!

  18. #18
    死徒(下級)Lesser Dead Apostle
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    Quote Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
    Well, certainly a very interesting premise! I'm intrigued.
    To receive praise from the Lady Beam, (bows), I am honoured. But yes, it is jmostly thanks to kinlyki that I managed to revive the fic (seeing as my first beta was completely absent and I have no confidence in my grammar skills).

    @nitewind: Thanks for the advice, I'll try doing that.

  19. #19
    祖 Ancestor nitewind's Avatar
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    No problem. Tense errors were still the most prelevant fyi. I don't believe I spotted any spelling errors although there were a couple spots that could use rewording in order to flow better.
    Spoiler:
    As a general rule I hold no opinions that I have not been paid to hold.
    I am now a beta, so if you need help with a story feel free to ask.

    Words of wisdom from ItsaRandomUsername:
    "Pssh, with proper writing almost anything can be logical. If it can work believably, then there's no reason why it shouldn't.
    Please note the keywords: "proper" and "almost". Bad storytelling mixed with nonsensical couplings are the drunk-driving of literature."

    Quote Originally Posted by Kiiam View Post
    Nothing helps you mature more than a little murder, especially in the Nasuverse.
    We are Beast's Lair!
    Derailer among derailers!
    Look upon the continuity of thy threads ye mighty, and DESPAIR!

  20. #20
    Evil Good RadiantBeam's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blitz1/2 View Post
    ch 2 is out on fanfiction.net
    Ah, you won't post it here?



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