Is there a reason for Shirou constantly being in pain? Is it because the Caster card is not compatible with him? Is it to introduce some token grimdark stuff?
1. For the first one, what exactly could Shirou offer? Would Shirou be living in Uminari with Nanoha there or something?Originally Posted by crystalwatcher
2. Your second idea makes me imagine Shirou somehow summoning Hayate, except this Shirou is the one in the TSAB with Nanoha and co so who is the Hayate as Caster he summons?
Last edited by warellis; April 22nd, 2016 at 02:20 AM.
It's... a bit much. The constant cap text with the brackets was more distracting than aiding to the situation. You would have probably been better off with an internalized monologue rather than shoving random spikes of cap lock or making them smaller and less often. The tension is built up way too quickly which is not aided by the first showcase of pain and misery being lack luster because Shirou is basically thinking "Flying is fun" when his entire body first tries to blow itself up and completely ignores it.
Then, I guess you were trying to get at Medea here and her life is a tale of woe, but well, it read more like All the World's Evil. No, actually, it read totally like All the World's Evil.
The end part with Betrayal and curse the gods is fine, and blood I guess could be her murdering her children or brother... I think, I'm unsure about her actual legend and what parts Nasu cherry picked, and the gods did screw her over with Jason (in FSN definitely), but well, yeah, Caster was never quite a sputter mess of incoherent rage and curses so it kind of takes away a bit from the entire thing. Her tale is a tale of betrayal, crappy gods, false love, and not ever being able to go home. It's emotional pain rather than physical. Which contradicts with what you have here.
Good idea, the Class cards are a lot to fun to play with. I quite a few ideas because of the whole Prisma Shirou Nanoha snippets I did and half hearted planning of Kaleidoknight thing I did way, way back. The execution just needs a bit of work.
Life at best is Bittersweet
-Jack Kirby
Right, I see what you mean. I'll go back and look over the pain- parts, try to fix 'em up. Probably make the transitions from fight to fight less sudden too. The reason I can give for the pain part having all the subtlety of a clown tripping on acid is basically that, well, I mentioned earlier that inserting a class-card would promt Shirou to blank out and I didn't feel comfortable with just letting him use the first one with no price to pay, so he got the whole damage-upon-overuse thing instantly and at a higher price. Kind of like driving a car at too low gear. As for it reading like All the Worlds Evil... well, that was pretty much by accident. When it comes to Medea, I have no idea why I thought that was a good thing to write... Thanks for the feedback, hopefully I can fix it somewhat ^^;
As mentioned above, normally he'd blank out upon inserting a classcard for the first time, and end up in pain when using it for too long. This time, since he was pretty damn desperate, he could use it instantly, but took the overuse punishment from the getgo in an upped dosage. It won't be a reaccuring thing, I promise.
Edited: So, I've tried to fix up the snippet as well as I can. The Block-caps pain-parts that were about as subtle as when you spill strawberrryjam on a white shirt are removed, and replaced with a more normal description. Also removed the vaguely pretentious thing where I refused to call characters by name. Also made an attempt to make the transition from Shirou's first flight to what passes for a fightscene less sudden. Hopefully the whole thing became more bearable. If there's still issues to be fixed, please let me know ^.^
Last edited by Catasros; April 23rd, 2016 at 06:44 AM.
Definitely better.
Castasros, writing anymore Shirou stuff with him using Class Cards?
Well, I have an idea for what to do next, but it needs expanding, so far it's all of one scene ^^;
So uh Catasros, is your idea coming along okay?
And how's the new Fate Night Sky coming along fraggle.
For those looking for ideas: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6347453/FateOnline.
It's back into the fridge. Both my internship and another plotbonny( which also isn't getting much life to begin with) saw to that.
Illya is best servant
DAMN YOU REAL LIFE!
For those looking for ideas: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6347453/FateOnline.
Well it's not like FNS was ever going to come back. But I hope your internship goes okay.
Darn it! I wish everything goes well for your internship.
Funny Gif
Favorite Nasuverse Quote
I found these two from TumblrUfotable vs Visual Novel
I wonder how Crystalwatcher is doing with his ideas and snippets?
And will we ever get to see any more Shirou x Signum stuff?
I am going to assume not for a long time.
So, just wanna explain why I still have failed to put out my sub-par story to ease the wait for the real guys: I got a job last month. Overused excuse is overused. I do have a basic idea of what to do for two or three snippets more, just need to get into the rythm, not feel half-dead when I get home. But here's what to expect: Shirou deals with a snarking cellphone and then goes solo-dungeoneering.
Suddenly: Snippet
"I have confirmed the removal of the self-defense program from my systems. No trace is left of its presence nor is it currently attempting to regenerate its form within myself..."
Reinforce, once known as the Book of Darkness, and before that, the Book of the Night looked up as she finished her self-diagnostic routines. Her voice was unsteady, her own disbelief leaking trough her usual calm and controlled speech as she addressed the people inside the medical room, crowing around the two beds which each currently held a single patient.
The bed on which she had perched herself was host to her master who currently propped up against the pillow. Hayate had tightly latched on her the moment she had woken up and her master seemed unwilling to let go of her, especially after she had voiced her original thought on how to deal with the eventual resurrection of her malfunctioning defense program...
...only for her to realize that the program was no longer there.
The other bed, where Takamachi Nanoha was currently hovering over, sporting a face that projected her worries for all to see, contained the source of their current worries. The other patient was the reason why her relief of being freed of the chain of destruction had made way for a mixture of guilt and dread. Sleeping on the other side of the room, far away from her, was the young magus.
The strange mage who's abilities, fueled by the "jewel Seed" lost logia, had once been labeled 'potentially catastrophic'. She found her eyes averting themselves from his frame. Although ashamed of herself even now she found herself fighting the urge to distance herself, unable to look at him even as the telltale signs of the slithering sounds of it's appendages and the unmistakable aura betrayed what contraption had attached itself onto the boy's right arm, desperately trying to avoid it's destruction. A fragment had embedded itself into the boy, finding some save haven in conjunction with the Lost Logia already present within him...
A single, purplish snake lazily detached itself from Shirou's arm, moving it's head around as it gazed around the room. For a moment everyone tensed as it laid eyes on the silver-haired woman, tasting the air between them with its forked tongue before ignoring her as it once more coiled itself around the boy's arm...
"Nacht's might gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death:
Nacht's watch.
Last edited by fraggle; June 13th, 2016 at 06:02 PM.
Illya is best servant
So... that's the result of Rule Breaker?
Oh, wait. Shirou hasn't gone through 5th GW
With each day, one draws closer to death,
With each day, one expends more of one's life,
With each day, one obtains more memories,
With each day, one gets closer to losing them all.
Avalon + Jewel Seed + Defense Program + UBW = ???
We're all fucked?
Spoiler:
Interesting. So a piece of the Book of Darkness's program latched onto Shirou?
Also I like how "magus" was italicized. It emphasises that a magus isn't a mage, that it's something entirely different.
Last edited by warellis; June 14th, 2016 at 06:05 AM.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
