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Thread: Shirou and Shiki Go To White Castles

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    Shirou and Shiki Go To White Castles

    Shirou and Shiki Go To White Castles
    By: Elf

    Disclaimer: I do not own anyone in this fanfic. They are owned by their original owners and companies.

    Author's Notes:
    Do not take this fic seriously. Crack fic ahead. Read at your own risk.Also, Vampire Hunter D is Neil Patrick Harris. Also, old as fuck fic from me, written in 2008.



    Even more than England, Emiya Shirou hated the United States of America. At least in England the government wasn’t run by a bunch of beatnik morons who craved oil like a Dead Apostle craved blood. Not to mention the few snickers here and there for his Japanese accent, after he’d thought he was getting speaking English down pretty well.

    Still, what was worse was the miserable tea selection in front of him.

    All tea bags and Lipton to make things even worse.

    He could just imagine his lover’s reaction when he brought her a box of Lipton tea. First he’d get a Gand shot at him and then he’d be spending the night on the hotel room’s couch. Worst of all those aquamarine eyes would narrow in disapproval before those slim shoulders would slump with disappointment.

    As he stared at the boxes of tea in the Convenient Store – If it was truly convenient they’d have some Oolong that’s not in a damned can- he heard, “I’m a ninja, believe it!” shouted by a young boy.

    “Well, that’s annoying. Hey, Shirou, you found Rin’s tea yet?”

    Shirou looked over at his traveling partner and the reason he was currently in the hell known as the United States. Tohno Shiki, known as Nanaya Shiki in the circles they ran in, calmly pushed his glasses up his nose and studied Shirou with a tiny playful grin. Shirou sighed and said, “If I bring any of this to Tohsaka, she’s going to be pissed.”

    “What, is she going to tie you down and molest you?” Shiki teased with a grin.

    Shirou stared at the tea and swallowed, remembering Rin’s first command to her disobedient Servant, who was actually him from a future time line and reality, as if that wasn’t confusing enough. She’d commanded him to listen and obey every command she made. It should have been impossible for a Master, but yet she somehow pulled it off. Verbal bondage was what Shiki’s vampire lover Arcuied had giggled when Rin had told her the story. Then both the curvy blonde vampire and the willowy dark mage had looked at him with this wicked smirk on their beautiful faces.

    Shirou sighed and answered, “Most likely sleep on the couch, Tohno-kun.”

    “You know, you can call me Shiki. God Shirou, you’re so damned uptight, even calling the girl you’re sleeping with by her family name,” Shiki chortled with a shake of his dark head.

    Shirou looked up from the tea to see a young boy with bright blond hair and an orange jumpsuit jump into the air. The boy held up his finger and shouted, “I’m a ninja, believe it!”

    “God, that’s annoying,” Shiki grumbled as he folded his arms over his chest. Dressed in head to toe in black and his rather laid back manner, Shiki appeared to be more of a ninja than the boy in the conspicuous clothing. Shirou knew exactly how dangerous the boy in glasses was.

    Shiki had the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception. If he took off those glasses those muted grey eyes of his would flash silvery blue and he’d be able to see death lines, the points of destruction on any object. Combined with the fact that Shiki came from a long line of demon assassins, he was perhaps the most dangerous living person Shirou had met.

    Still, both Shiki and his lover, the last living True Ancestor vampire, Princess Arcuied Brunestud, had asked both his and his lover’s help in killing a dangerous Dead Apostle wizard in the States. With Shirou’s remarkable Tracing ability to create swords and Rin’s genius and exceptional talents as a magus, the four of them were able to take down the wizard easily. However Arcuied, who’d never been to the U.S., pleaded with both Shiki and Rin to let them stay on a vacation of sorts. Shirou’d been outvoted due to the adorably innocent vampire’s antics.

    Rin and Arcuied had gone shopping that day, separating from the two men. Shiki, naturally curious himself, drug Shirou around that day. They were planning to meet the two girls at a restaurant called White Castles at Arcuied’s giggling suggestion. Considering they’d awakened the sleeping Princess at the White Castle of Brunestud a year ago, the irony wasn’t lost on the three.

    “How much time do we have before we have to meet Tohsaka and Arcuied?” Shirou asked as the boy in orange kept jumping around the shop, much to the dismay of the shopkeeper.

    “About an hour, so pick some tea and let’s get going,” Shiki said as he thumbed towards the doorway, “Before that kid drives me insane.”

    Said boy in orange bounced right in front of Shirou and said, “Hi, I’m Naruto, I’m a ninja! Believe it!”

    “Aren’t you a little conspicuously dressed for a ninja?” Shirou asked with a smile.

    Shiki grumbled, “Maybe he’s a retarded ninja.”

    Naruto grinned at Shirou, his bright blue eyes closing as he said, “I’m going to be the greatest ninja ever.”

    “Well, that’s cool. I’m gonna be a superhero,” Shirou replied with a cheerful smile of his own, “But where are your parents, Naruto?”

    Shiki wandered down the isle and picked up a tea box. He said, “Hey, Shirou, I think this will be more Rin’s taste.”

    “Oh, thank you!” Shirou said as he walked down the isle and started to study the more elaborate teas, “You’re right Tohno-kun, these are better.”

    He picked up a box of Tazo tea as he looked around for Shiki. The ninja boy was gone as well. He frowned as he saw Shiki putting his glasses back on closed eyes and stashing his knife in his black windbreaker. Shirou frowned and asked, “Tohno-kun, what happened to that conspicuously dressed ninja boy?”

    Shiki’s smile was dark as he asked, “What conspicuously dressed ninja boy? Shirou, come on, there was no ninja boy.” He paused as he headed out the door. He turned back to give Shirou a devious look before adding, “Believe it.”

    Frowning, Shirou paid for his tea and followed the vampire hunter out the door.

    ******

    Shiki got to drive because he was older and actually had a license. Shirou frowned at him and looked rather like a depressed puppy with his unruly red hair and big golden-brown eyes. He demanded, “Why did you kill that boy, Tohno-kun?”

    “I just erased him from existence,” Shiki answered, “Besides, he was a demon.”

    Shirou’s jaw tensed as he asked, “And how the hell do you know that?”

    “Long inbred line of demon hunters, remember?” Shiki retorted dryly as he flicked his head to have his classes slide down his nose. He saw the lines appear all over Shirou’s body, including the sickly black dot in the center of the younger teen’s chest marking the end of his existence as lines spread out across the car, the windows, and the road and trees around them. He shoved his glasses back up his nose and the pressure in his head receded as the lines went away.

    As they drove, Shirou pointed and said, “Tohno-kun, stop.”

    “Why what the f . . .” Shiki slammed on the breaks. The seat belt caught him painfully across the chest as the two were slung forward.

    Standing in front of the car was a tall, slim figure dressed in a long, black ragged overcoat and a black hat. He turned towards the car and Shiki’s eyes widened. The man’s face was utterly gorgeous, gorgeous enough to make Shiki uncomfortable in a way that only Akiha only could.

    Shirou pointed and exclaimed, “That’s Vampire Hunter D!”

    D looked at them and stepped towards the car, as if he was materialized from darkness. Shirou opened the window and poked his carroty head out. He asked, “D-domo, do you need a ride?”

    “Where are you two going?” the young looking man said in a rusty voice as he peered at the two teenagers.

    Shiki answered, “White Castles.”

    Shirou opened the back door and D gracefully slid in, tucking his tattered coat around him. “Why the hell would you wanna go there? I say we blow this sausage fest and get ourselves some moe little bitches,” D proclaimed.

    “I prefer tsundere women myself,” Shirou murmured as he slumped quietly in the front seat with a little pout on his face.

    Shiki continued to drive and asked, “What are you doing out here, D?”

    “Eh, I got lost going after this wizard vampire. I almost lost my Left Hand, not that would have been a loss, but he’s a useful lump of flesh,” D said as he lounged in the back seat.

    Shiki looked at Shirou as the magecraft user said, “We took care of him.”

    “But you’re kids,” a nasally voice said from D’s left hand, “How the hell could you take on a vampire like Geese!”

    Shiki grinned and replied, “Well, we’re special.”

    ******
    They drove in silence for a while. Shirou tried to engage D in another conversation but D pulled a book entitled Dark Desires from his hat and began to read. Shirou looked over at Shiki as they continued to drive through the wooded country road.

    Shirou asked, “So, how much longer, Tohno-kun?”

    “About twenty minutes, or at least that’s what Mapquest said,” Shiki answered with a shrug.

    Shirou bent forward to pick up the discarded printout and read it. He swallowed and turned as they passed a road sign. He pointed behind him and said, “Tohno-kun, we should be going the other way.”

    “Damn Mapquest,” Shiki sighed as he down shifted and spun the car into a U turn.

    Shirou grit his teeth and forced Reinforcement through his arms to brace himself as the road got darker once again. He frowned as he noticed the tree’s shadows were looming all around them. Then Shiki slammed his foot on the break, causing D to almost topple into the front seat and Shirou had to brace himself again. Shirou looked over as Shiki set the car into park and took off his glasses.

    As his eyes flashed silvery blue, probably putting sickly black lines through everything, Shiki stepped out of the car. Shirou unbuckled his seat belt and got out as well. D protested, “Hey, I thought you guys were going for burgers?”

    “Demons,” was Shiki’s reply as he flicked the knife from his over shirt. The blade glinted dimly in the starlight as even it was swallowed by the growing darkness. The air was thick with malevolence and reeked with the sweet stench of rot and the coppery tang of blood.

    Shirou’s vision swarm as his Reinforced eyes caught sight of things moving in the darkness. He closed his eyes and opened his Magic Circuits. The image of the beautiful yin and yang Chinese Falchions entered his mind right before the blades formed in his hands.

    In the darkness, the things whispered, “Sacrifice . . .”

    Shiki dashed into the teaming darkness, his knife at the ready to stab and to slice through lines like butter. His body became a black blur before vanishing into the tree line. Shirou cursed softly as he forced his mana into his legs to strengthen the muscles and make them lighter to run after his friend.

    As soon as he sprinted into the forest, his mana enhanced eyes saw Shiki stabbing grotesque people who were so misshapen that they looked more like demons than the men they once where. Shiki spun in graceful arcs as his blade plunged through different spots on the demons before they simply vanished. Shirou swallowed as one of the demons fixed glowing eyes at him.

    A bony hand reached out and whispered, “Pure . . . the boy is pure of heart . . . Yet filled with pain, pain . . .”

    Voices picked up and asked, “What of the Sacrifice?”

    Then, through the demons, like a black whirlwind, Emiya Shirou made out the form of the black swordsman.

    He was tall, muscularly built and dressed in armor that had been burnished a dull black. His skin had blood smeared on it and his handsome face was curled up into a snarl. One eye glowed in the darkness as Shirou’s eyes locked with the weapon the swordsman was carrying.

    It was far too big and thick to be truly called a sword.

    In fact, it was more like a heavy slab of iron that was almost blunt with use. It dripped blood and thicker things from the battle. Yet the swordsman held it with one hand as his heaving body took another step closer to the hellish force in front of him.

    Then he proceeded to smile, more of a showing of teeth in a sadistic snarl than a smile, but he seemed glad about this none the less.

    With a mad dash, the man ran straight into the demons coming after Shirou. Shirou shook his head and regained his composure. He spun gracefully himself, cutting into a demon with his white Bakuya and blocking another with the black Kansho. Shiki was still fighting and the black swordsman’s slab of a weapon cleaved through weapons like an irresistible force.

    In moments the three were alone, surrounded by corpses and streaked liberally with blood. Shiki was chuckling as he put on his glasses. The black swordsman’s body heaved as he caught his breath. His one eye, the other was sealed shut, flickered over them and said, “Kids. You’re damned kids.” Then he proceeded to clamp his hand to his throat, over a bloody smear there.

    One of the pouches on the swordsman’s belt opened up and a teal haired faerie flew out, iridescent wings flashing. Green eyes focused on Shirou as he flew closer to the redhead. “Hey Guts, these kids are special. Heya, I’m Puck, the scary swordsman behind me is Guts. And who the hell are you?”

    “How the heck can you wield that?” Shirou asked as he walked past Puck to Guts, “I mean, it’s so huge yet you can swing it like that with just one hand . . . That’s amazing.”

    Shiki flicked his glasses as he looked at Puck. He said, “Hey, what the hell are you? You don’t have any lines or dots.”

    “Because I’m an elf, damn it, an elf! We’re immortal and not even your messed up eyes can stop that,” Puck replied as he fluttered back towards Guts and Shirou.

    Guts snorted and started to walk past the two. “Come on, Puck, there’ll be more of those bastards,” he said, “We’ve got hours till daylight.”

    Shirou ran to catch up with Guts and asked, “Are you being hunted? We could help you . . . Tohno-kun and I, I mean. And oh, I’m Emiya Shirou.” He bowed politely as his blades dissipated since he stopped pumping mana into them to keep them.

    Shiki cleared his throat and said, “Come on, Shirou, we don’t have time to wait for you to gush at this man’s manliness and his not quite sword weapon. You know, Rin and her tea and what’s going to happen when she doesn’t get her tea.”

    “I think Tohsaka would understand that this is more important than her tea. Besides, those demons could kill people,” Shirou pointed out.

    Guts focused that one dark eye at Shirou and said, “This isn’t a fight for boys. Run back to your woman.”

    Shirou opened his mouth to reply, when he heard a rev of an engine and a squeal of tires. Shiki cursed and dashed out of the forest. Shirou looked towards Guts and said, “If you need help . . .”

    “You couldn’t give me any, boy, so just keep going,” Guts said as he started deeper into the forest.

    Sighing, Shirou ran to catch up with Shiki. The demon hunter was glaring at their rental car as it sped away. Shirou asked, “Did D take our car?”

    “Yeah,” Shiki said with narrowed eyes.

    Shirou sighed and said, “I guess we should get walking.”

    The two started to walk, when they were surrounded by sirens and flashing red and blue lights. The cop cars surrounded them when guns were pointed at their heads. A hoarse male voice said, “Hands in the air, or we’ll shoot!”

    “Tohno-kun, I told you not to kill that boy,” Shirou sighed as Shiki started to take off his glasses.

    Shirou grabbed his friend’s hands and forced them into the air. The police officers advanced, forcing Shiki to the ground and taking his knife. Shiki glared up at the one putting his knife into a bag. Shirou sighed as he was handcuffed and shoved into a car while Shiki cursed all the while.


    ******
    “I knew you killed that boy,” Shirou huffed as he lay on the cold slab. He shivered ever so slightly, memories that weren’t quite yet his but where creeping along the edges of his brain. Being imprisoned, the trial, well, more like a death sentence, and then being drug to the gallows.

    It just kept repeating in his head over and over again and he swallowed. Shiki was sitting on the other side of the holding cell and replied, “There’s no body, Shirou, we’ll get away free.”

    “No body! Tohno-kun . . .” Shirou sighed and ran his hand through his hair, “And you had to waste your phone call to your sister.”

    Shiki snorted, “It’s better than you calling up White Castles asking for Tohsaka Rin.”

    “Tohsaka has connections too, not just your sister,” Shirou grumbled, “And Tohsaka can be very persuasive when she needs to be.”

    Shiki shoved his glasses higher up his nose and sighed, “Shirou, you still call her by her family name and you’re sleeping with her. Why are you so reserved?”

    “Because he is polite, unlike you, who are seemingly informal with everyone, even police officers,” a familiar deep, almost velvety voice said behind Shirou, causing him to sit up and still in response.

    Shiki’s eyes widened behind his glasses as his mouth dropped open in ways that generally involved a beautiful woman. For a Japanese school boy in glasses, he got quite a bit of female attention Shirou noticed. However, Shirou knew that charm wouldn’t work on the man probably smirking behind him.

    Shiki shrugged with a grin as he replied, “I don’t know how you got into the cell with the police men here, but I’m not going to be unhappy about it.”

    “I created a diversion to make the police officers leave the facility,” the smooth voice continued with a hint of amusement behind Shirou.

    Shirou asked, “You didn’t stab their squad cars with a thousand blades, did you?”

    “Why waste the mana? No, I simply called them anonymously and told them there was a lesbian dispute at the local strip club. Every one of them left to go do their civic duty,” the man snorted.

    Shiki frowned and asked, “Who the hell is this, Shirou?”

    “Oh, him?” Shirou tilted his head so he could look at the red and black clad knight with the sardonic grin, white hair, bronze skin and grey eyes behind him. Shirou snorted, “That’s my future ass self.”

    The Counter Guardian Emiya, also known as Archer, sat beside Shirou and asked, “What sort of company are you keeping, Emiya Shirou?”

    “I don’t know. Tohno-kun came to me in the first place to save his girlfriend,” Shirou sighed as he rested his head on the concrete wall behind him.

    Archer shook his head and snorted, “And of course you couldn’t resist to save the damsel in distress.”

    “Well, I didn’t know she was the last True Ancestor, but of course,” Shirou retorted crabbily.

    Archer sighed, “And now you’re trapped in this situation because he’s the last living Nanaya.”

    “He killed some conspicuously dressed ninja boy,” Shirou groaned as he rubbed his forehead, “And now we’re in jail because of it.”

    Archer simply said, “He was a demon.”

    “But he was just a kid!” Shirou argued as he glared at the older version of himself.

    Archer’s lips quirked up as he replied, “And Nanaya did a great service to humanity for killing said boy. That boy would have spawned a cult unlike anything you’ve ever imagined.”

    Shirou snorted, “What the hell are you doing here anyway?”

    “Rin summoned me. She’s quite vexed and wants to know why you’re late and where is her tea,” Archer answered as he closed his eyes with a fond smile.

    Shirou groaned and rubbed his face. “I guess you foresee me sleeping on the couch again.”

    “Or Rin getting out the handcuffs and the binding spells,” Archer replied with a wistful grin.

    Shirou stared at Archer and the older man laughed. “Come on, where do you think the bondage pants came from? It wasn’t from you, but it was Rin’s influence.”

    The redheaded boy stared at his future self. Archer’s shoulders were shaking with mirth. “I think I liked you better when you were trying to kill me,” Shirou grumbled.

    “But I have a warning to give about the place you are trying to get to,” Archer said gravely, all humor washing away from his chiseled features.

    Shirou frowned and asked, “White Castles?”

    “Yes, if you go there and partake, be prepared to create as you have never created before,” Archer said solemnly, with the sort of ominous warning that only a tortured Epic Spirit could manage.

    Shirou frowned and asked, “What do you mean?”

    “You’ll see when you get there, but, you should leave soon,” Archer said as he began to stand up.

    Shirou asked, “Why, Archer?”

    “Because your little demon hunter friend has gotten out and is causing quite a bit of property damage,” Archer answered dryly.

    Shirou turned around to see some of the bars neatly cut apart. Shiki was out without his glasses with his knife in his hand. He was calmly cutting through the desks, making them fall apart neatly, not in the way a particle board desks should. Shirou gasped and ran out of the cut cell. “No, Tohno-kun,” he shouted as he grabbed Shiki’s arm.

    Shiki blinked and put his glasses on before pocketing his knife. “Sorry, Shirou, sometimes it happens. Like chairs. Man, for some reason, chairs really piss me off.”

    “Yes, but maybe you should learn to curb your demon hunter impulses before you hurt someone you care about,” Archer sneered at the teen.

    Shiki smiled and said, “Too late, but it’s gotten better now. So, we should get out of here then, right?”

    “And find D and hopefully get our car back,” Shirou sighed, his temples now pulsing.

    Archer’s eyes lit up as he said, “Vampire Hunter D?”

    “He stole our car,” Shirou groaned, “Our rental car. Would you help us, Archer?”

    Archer’s smirk made Shirou uneasy as he answered, “I might be able to do so . . .”

    ******

    “Okay, now I know why Rin stays with you,” Shiki said almost cheerfully as Shirou ducked down more in the seat. Wind ruffled through their hair and pulled at their clothing for their vehicle was missing a roof. What Shiki was currently driving couldn’t exactly be called a car other than it had four wheels and the working parts.

    Its body, however, was shaped like a giant head. A giant, angry head with ugly grey skin, craggy features, and spiky black hair; it was the face of the servant Berserker. And it was now immortalized as a car that Shiki was currently driving.

    “He did this on purpose,” Shirou grumbled before looking at Shiki, “What do you mean, Tohno-kun?”

    Shiki snorted, “Come on, that’s your future self. I’d stay with you if I knew you were going to turn like that.”

    Shirou groaned as he looked over to the side. His chest tightened as the trees around them vanished for pure darkness. It was just like before, with Guts and the demons, but even more dismal. Shiki’s eyes narrowed, flashing silvery-blue under his glasses as he stiffened in the driver’s seat.

    “I think we found your friend again,” Shiki said dryly as his hand went to his knife.

    Then Shiki cursed, swerved to the side to let a shinning silver Royals Royce pass them. Shirou stared with wide eyes as a gorgeous man with long, gleaming silver hair stood in the sunroof of the expensive car. He was dressed in luminous armor a shade darker than his hair that was so elaborate that it almost hurt to look at it. Even in the darkness, his eyes gleamed a fine violet-blue as he rode out in the darkness.

    Then Shirou saw the driver.

    His eyes widened as his heart pounded in his chest.

    Even though humanoid in shape, the thing was too big and broad to be considered a man. Not to mention its face was horridly twisted and its eyes were lacking anything of humanity in their sharp depths. The driver was in horrid odds with his beautiful passenger. “Demons,” Shiki hissed as he started to take off his glasses.

    “Then why is that knight with them?” Shirou asked softly.

    Shiki retorted, “Because he’s the worst out of all of them.”

    “But he’s beautiful,” Shirou murmured.

    Shiki rolled his eyes to retort right as a giant, old, beat up, black Ford truck rumbled by. In the driver’s seat was Guts, his one good eye narrowed, his sword extended out the window by his prosthetic arm and Puck glowing faintly on his shoulder. In the passenger’s side was a gorgeous woman with a dark complexion. Her hair was long and unkempt, her clothing ragged save for the Swordsman’s cloak, and her stare vacant. She looked out the window and smiled largely at them and cooed, “Ahhhhh . . .”

    Sitting in the bed of the truck was a petite, regally dressed blonde woman who vaguely reminded Shirou of Saber, a fox faced man who resembled the blonde somewhat, and a young girl dressed as a witch with short, green hair. Guts’ teeth were clinched as his artificial hand rested awkwardly on the steering wheel while the other was used to drive the car. The dark woman pointed out the window as her black eyes sparkled while crying out, “Ahhhhh!”

    The black truck rushed after the elegant car. Shiki put his glasses back on and stared. Shirou blinked as well. Shiki sighed as they started to drive again, “This night just keeps . . .”

    At that moment, their rental car came speeding beside them. Vampire Hunter D was hanging out of the window, laughing as alluring feminine forms writhed in the car with him as no one drove. Shirou’s eyes widened as he made out a petite, green eyed blonde writhing in the front seat, then a tall, voluptuous woman with lavender hair that trailed past her ankles, and a lower-classman with amethyst hair and eyes. Shiki’s eyes were wide as coins as well as he looked over identical redheaded twins and a young woman with long black hair that reminded him slightly of Rin.

    The girl who reminded him of Rin giggled loudly, “Nii-san, I’m drunk!”

    “Akiha! Kohaku! Hisui!” Shiki cried out as the car sped past them.

    Shirou rubbed his forehead and sighed, “Come on, let’s just get to White Castles before Tohsaka and Arcuied-hime start to worry.”

    ******
    Tohsaka Rin strummed her fingers on the tin box before her, her manicured nails making a soft clicking sound against the metal. The White Princess, Arcuied Brunestud sat beside her, merrily sipping on Big Red and eating chicken rings. The image was so absurd, but it was even more absurd a second ago when her former Servant arrived, place the box of tea in front of her, smiled and said, “Emiya Shirou will be here shortly, there were some occurrences keeping him away, Rin.”

    Then the alternate future version of her lover smiled at her in a way that made her blush and heart speed up before Arcuied made the mistake of asking how something called Primate Murder was. Archer’s jaw had twitched, he’d muttered something about that stupid dog and why the hell wouldn’t Gaia let him kill it, and then he’d vanished, leaving Rin and Arcuied alone.

    Alone and getting many stares from the various teenagers and overweight, pimply faced college students looking at the exquisite blonde vampire princess and the witchy magus dressed in red with her long, black hair. So far, Arcuied had received four different young men’s telephone numbers and cheerfully had someone buy her chicken rings (how absurd was that, chicken wasn’t made to be put into rings) and her soda. Which made Rin realize how hungry she was.

    Even though Archer had brought her favorite loose leaf English black tea, he’d forgotten to bring her food. Or, knowing him, he just wanted her a bit more vexed at her lover when he arrived. She sighed and her shoulders slumped as she looked at Arcuied happily munching on those absurd chicken rings.

    “Want one, Rin, they’re tasty?” the white princess offered with a smile.

    Rin blinked and shook her head. She answered, “I don’t think chicken was ever suppose to be made into rings. The very concept is absurd.”

    “But they’re tasty,” Arcuied said with a cute smile.

    “I’m sorry sir, we’re out of chicken rings,” the girl at the counter said.

    Rin turned around to see a tall young man with long chestnut brown hair dressed in archaic blue clothing. He had a whip coiled around his waist and was wearing long riding gloves as he slammed his hands upon the counter. “What, no chicken rings?” he demanded.

    Arcuied shrank down but one pale hand reached up for a chicken ring as she continued to nibble. The girl at the counter smiled sadly and said, “I’m sorry sir, we ran out and our truck doesn’t come until tomorrow . . .”

    “DIE MONSTER!” he shouted as he pointed his finger at her, “You do not belong in this world!”

    Arcuied’s crimson eyes widened but she still continued to nibble as she proceeded to hide behind Rin. Rin sighed and rolled her eyes as the counter girl said, “Sir, I’m sorry, but . . .if you’d like to speak to a manager . . .”

    The man in blue’s shoulders slumped as he stormed out of the restaurant. Rin sighed and said, “Some people, really . . .”


    ******
    Shirou sighed as they pulled into the White Castle’s parking lot. They parked beside a brand new, bright blue Mustang convertible. A leggy woman with long, strawberry blond hair sat in the front seat, her hair tied off by a green ribbon. She was wearing something rather like a green velvet bathing suit with a gold ribbon around the waist that made Shirou turn away. Her long legs were propped up on the dash, causing Shiki to admire her.

    The door to White Castles swung open and a tall young man with long brown hair dressed in old style blue clothing with a whip curled around his waist strode over to the woman. She eyed him and snapped her fingers.

    “Where’s my chicken rings, bitch?” she demanded with a wiggle of her shoulders and an odd bob of her head.

    The man in blue pointed dramatically at the blonde and shouted, “You steal men’s souls, and make them your slaves . . .”

    “Richter, get in the damned car,” the woman said as she opened up the door, “I still want my chicken rings.”

    Richter side and slid into the car, “Yes, Maria . . .”

    “Or I will leave your ass for Alucard . . .”

    Shiki looked at Shirou and Shirou shrugged as he stepped out of Berserker’s head. “With all the weird crap we’ve seen tonight, I’m somehow not surprised,” Shiki deadpanned as they walked into the restaurant.

    Shirou sighed and said, “Vampire Hunter D still has our rental car.”

    “With the maids and my younger sister, that bastard has the maids and my younger sister!” Shiki snapped.

    Shirou ignored Shiki’s babbling about the maids and his younger sister and looked around the restaurant and smiled at the familiar pair of aquamarine eyes glinting feline like at him. He walked over to Tohsaka Rin, grinning like an idiot as she strummed her fingers over a very familiar tin box. She tilted her head and tapped on the box harder.

    “Oh, Tohsaka, your tea,” Shirou said sheepishly, “It was in the other car . . . It’s been a really weird night.”

    Arcuied perked up at Shiki and said, “Someone bought me chicken rings.”

    “Idiot, what did I tell you about having people buy you stuff?” Shiki chides as he slides down beside Arcuied.

    Rin held up the box of fine English tea and said, “Don’t worry, Archer did his job and made excuses for you.”

    “He’s probably following Guts and that demon knight, fighting with the Black Swordsman,” Shirou sighed and shook his head.

    Rin blinked and asked, “What?”

    “Oh, like we said, we had a very interesting night, Rin,” Shiki said as he took a sip of Arcuied’s drink.

    Shirou’s eyes narrowed at his friend as he said, “You started it by killing that ninja boy.”

    “First off, Shirou, he was a demon. Second, he was annoying. And third, you heard from your other self that he was gonna spawn some horrid cult,” Shiki said as stood up and head out for the line.

    Rin asked, “What happened?”

    “It’s a long story, but Vampire Hunter D stole our rental car and was last seen joy riding with Saber, Rider, Sakura, his younger sister and the maids,” Shirou sighed.

    Arcuied asked, “So, how did you two get here, Shirou-kun?”

    Shirou sighed at Arcuied’s misuse of Japanese honorifics and continued, “Archer traced us a vehicle for us to drive in, but I guess he was feeling whimsical. Frankly, I don’t see the joke.”

    Rin did chuckle at that and wrapped her arm around Shirou’s shoulders. “Come on, I’ve been watching Arc-chan eating chicken rings for the past fifteen minutes and telling me how tasty they where.”

    “Oh, yeah, that was another thing, Archer gave me this ominous warning about this place,” Shirou said with a frown as he looked around, “And we really should get the rental car back.”

    “Nii-san!” a female voice called out as another echoed, “Sempai!”

    Shirou turned around to see the small harem and Vampire Hunter D standing in the center. Akiha was draped all over D while Rider was playing with his long hair. Saber was flushing as the redhead with the blue ribbon in her hair hugged her and pulled her close. Her grey eyed twin was looking away shyly.

    Rin’s eyes widened and Arcuied leaned over to Shiki and said, “Your sister needed some of that obviously.”

    Akiha’s sky blue eyes narrowed at D as D put an ornate sapphire pendent on the table as well as a bag of gold coins. Rin’s eyes lit up at the pendent as she grabbed it and started studying it thoughtfully. D said, “That’s for taking your car. This guy in red landed in front of us and started shooting swords out of nowhere.”

    “You are lucky he didn’t obliterate the car,” Saber said dryly.

    The vampire hunter looked sheepish as he added, “He also said there was a car here I could use.”

    Shiki grinned as he handed the keys to the Berserker-mobile to D. “Have fun with it.”

    D looked at the girls and said, “Well, come on ladies . . .”

    Only to have his harem completely ignore him as Akiha and the maids draped over Shiki as they fussed at him. Rider and Sakura sat beside Shirou and Saber sat primly beside Rin. Shiki looked up and said, “Guess they don’t wanna go, D.”

    Shirou looked around and asked, “So, who wants to get something to eat?”

    Two Hours Later . . .


    Emiya Shirou’s stomach churned in agony as he rocked back and forth on the toilet. He looked around the stall at the toilet paper roll. He whimpered as he saw that it was empty.

    A rumble of gas passed through him and he cried out.

    He closed his eyes and murmured, “Trace on . . .”

    He formulated the materials, broke it down into eight parts and soon he had a roll of toilet paper in his hands. He sighed as he relaxed. Then, just as Archer predicted, he created as he had never created before.

    Meanwhile . . .


    D was driving in the absurd car, his shoulders slumped, head bowed so his hat was obscuring his features so no one would recognize him. As he drove, he caught eye of something blue. Slowing the car down, he saw a curvy young woman, especially her rear, dressed in blue robes walking down the road. He moved to steer the car towards her when it suddenly vanished.

    D landed hard on the road and winched with the impact. His left hand cursed furiously as he managed to get himself to his feet. With instincts from his father’s side of the family, he felt eyes upon him.

    He turned to find, high up in a distant tree a man dressed in flowing red with silver hair. The vampire hunter met the man’s steely grey eyes before the man started laughing. D’s eyes narrowed as he started to move towards the man in red, drawing his own sword.

    It was the same man who’d thrown swords at them earlier, demanding that he’d give the car back.

    The night forest started to turn black as pitch. D halted as the evil air solidified around him. “Sacrifice, sacrifice . . .” the forest whispered as he continued to move.

    While the man in red continued to smile.



    The Law Unto Herself Chronicles- JukePop Serial

    Forest is a vampire who's a bit too good for her own good and doesn't know when to leave things alone. Armed with a ridiculously large hand gun, martial arts skills, a bitching pony car, and a love for pop culture she fights the forces of evil. Urban Fantasy 80's Style.

    Quote Originally Posted by ItsaRandomUsername
    Elfgasm: The phenomenon that occurs among the general populace whenever a certain user who has been claimed to wear jackboots and is pointy-eared posts an idea or updates and is met with majority approval to the point of near-zeal as a result of said poster's popularity with the writing crowd.

  2. #2
    Hair of the Dog Five_X's Avatar
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    OH

    MY

    FUCKING

    GOD

    Elf! You brought this back! This wonderful, beautiful fic! I remember reading it back on the Old BL, and I loved it. It's really, really awesome that you brought it back. More people need to read this, 'cause old as it is, it's still great.
    The Manhattan Project: Is it a sin to kill for your country? In an age of nationalism, where do you draw the line between right and wrong? In the 1960s, eight people seek peace amidst war and tragedy.

    [11:20:46 AM] GlowStiks: lucina is supes attractive
    [12:40] Lace: lucina is amazing
    [12:40] Neir: lucina is pretty much flawless

  3. #3
    Dat look Raven2785's Avatar
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    *drops to his knees* I.... it's...... Beautiful.

    Spoilered for your convenience

    Quote Originally Posted by Elf View Post
    Or he just knows that Sakura's vagina isn't the scary place everyone else thinks it is.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mcjon01 View Post
    A good box is like a good woman: thick, sturdy, and easy to get into.
    Quote Originally Posted by eddyak View Post
    Breasts aren't made of concrete. They do change shape- gravity, orientation, momentum.
    Quote Originally Posted by LeopardBear View Post
    I am thy lord thy canon pairing. Thou shalt not have any other pairings before me.
    Quote Originally Posted by oblueknighto View Post
    Horrible people don't like bacon.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kyte View Post
    Holy shit man you're magical.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mcjon01 View Post
    Words don't have genders you illiterate fucks.
    Quote Originally Posted by Paitouch View Post
    I am 100% uncultured swine.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mcjon01 View Post
    We now live in a world where a Final Fantasy VII remake will exist before the Tsukihime remake.


  4. #4
    Mission Accomplished KAIZA's Avatar
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    This...was...awesome. *thumbs up*
    *collapses*

  5. #5
    Chasing After that Elusive Dream Heroslayer's Avatar
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    Uh... Huh...

  6. #6
    Don't @ me if your fanfic doesn't even have Shirou/Illya shipping k thnx ItsaRandomUsername's Avatar
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    I remember this one.

    Fond memories of it.
    McJon01: We all know that the real reason Archer would lose to Rider is because the events of his own Holy Grail War left him with a particular weakness toward "older sister" types.
    My Fanfics. Read 'em. Or not.



  7. #7
    Totally not a Saber clone Knick's Avatar
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    What did i just read....

    I mean ya it was glorious, but what was it


    Quote Originally Posted by Arashi_Leonhart View Post
    Are you swearing by the root or are you just happy to see me?

  8. #8
    吸血鬼 Vampire
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    Definately giggle-worthy. Especially Archer's trolling.
    My contributions to the fanfiction melting pot:
    (not so) Shallow Shirou
    Shattered Heaven
    Shatteraxia - currently up to Part 18

    The perils of being distracted by your coworker at the critical moment


  9. #9
    Stupid Low Luck Rating Elf's Avatar
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    Archer's trolling was epic.

    I still think my favorite part was Guts driving the beat up Ford truck chasing Griffith and Zod.



    The Law Unto Herself Chronicles- JukePop Serial

    Forest is a vampire who's a bit too good for her own good and doesn't know when to leave things alone. Armed with a ridiculously large hand gun, martial arts skills, a bitching pony car, and a love for pop culture she fights the forces of evil. Urban Fantasy 80's Style.

    Quote Originally Posted by ItsaRandomUsername
    Elfgasm: The phenomenon that occurs among the general populace whenever a certain user who has been claimed to wear jackboots and is pointy-eared posts an idea or updates and is met with majority approval to the point of near-zeal as a result of said poster's popularity with the writing crowd.

  10. #10
    And a dash of salt The Geek's Avatar
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    I'm guessing you don't like Naruto or White Castle... just a guess. The fic was... strange.

  11. #11
    Stupid Low Luck Rating Elf's Avatar
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    I love White Castles.



    The Law Unto Herself Chronicles- JukePop Serial

    Forest is a vampire who's a bit too good for her own good and doesn't know when to leave things alone. Armed with a ridiculously large hand gun, martial arts skills, a bitching pony car, and a love for pop culture she fights the forces of evil. Urban Fantasy 80's Style.

    Quote Originally Posted by ItsaRandomUsername
    Elfgasm: The phenomenon that occurs among the general populace whenever a certain user who has been claimed to wear jackboots and is pointy-eared posts an idea or updates and is met with majority approval to the point of near-zeal as a result of said poster's popularity with the writing crowd.

  12. #12
    And a dash of salt The Geek's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elf View Post
    I love White Castles.
    Ah, poor Shirou just had too many belly bombers.

  13. #13
    I'm Nothing... Mr. House's Avatar
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    Elf, you just made my day...

    *hugs*

    Show
    "From the words of a wise man: thou shall have lesyay, lemons, and laughter!"
    Quote Originally Posted by ILurkNoMoar
    It all started with him trying to learn some household skills so he could spend more time with her and have more in common with his crush.
    My FF.Net profile: Mister House

    TM Projects:
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    2. Dare from LeopardBear (Leo-chan)
    3. Dare from Elf (Porno Mistress)

  14. #14
    Stupid Low Luck Rating Elf's Avatar
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    You wanna know what is really hilarious?

    I won a frigging fanfic contest with this.



    The Law Unto Herself Chronicles- JukePop Serial

    Forest is a vampire who's a bit too good for her own good and doesn't know when to leave things alone. Armed with a ridiculously large hand gun, martial arts skills, a bitching pony car, and a love for pop culture she fights the forces of evil. Urban Fantasy 80's Style.

    Quote Originally Posted by ItsaRandomUsername
    Elfgasm: The phenomenon that occurs among the general populace whenever a certain user who has been claimed to wear jackboots and is pointy-eared posts an idea or updates and is met with majority approval to the point of near-zeal as a result of said poster's popularity with the writing crowd.

  15. #15
    Banned
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    You've got to be shitting me.

  16. #16
    Stupid Low Luck Rating Elf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arch-Magos Winter View Post
    You've got to be shitting me.
    Nope. Anime North's fanfic contest for 2008.

    I'd tried like three years in a row and failed each time. So Roadbuster suggested that I write the strangest and most crack crossover imaginable. We brained stormed and this was born.

    It won me "Most Creative" that year.

    So thank him for pretty much every idea in this story.



    The Law Unto Herself Chronicles- JukePop Serial

    Forest is a vampire who's a bit too good for her own good and doesn't know when to leave things alone. Armed with a ridiculously large hand gun, martial arts skills, a bitching pony car, and a love for pop culture she fights the forces of evil. Urban Fantasy 80's Style.

    Quote Originally Posted by ItsaRandomUsername
    Elfgasm: The phenomenon that occurs among the general populace whenever a certain user who has been claimed to wear jackboots and is pointy-eared posts an idea or updates and is met with majority approval to the point of near-zeal as a result of said poster's popularity with the writing crowd.

  17. #17
    el bolb Bloble's Avatar
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    ENCORE! ENCORE!

    This fic deserves a sequel! And a TV show! And a solid gold medal!

    And now I want to go to White Castle ;_;

  18. #18
    And a dash of salt The Geek's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bloble View Post
    ENCORE! ENCORE!

    This fic deserves a sequel! And a TV show! And a solid gold medal!

    And now I want to go to White Castle ;_;
    I'd go too, but I live on the west coast... ;_;

  19. #19
    Gimme ur loot ZidanReign's Avatar
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    Reading this was like wow.

    Elf

    I like what I see
    Last edited by ZidanReign; September 9th, 2012 at 06:22 PM.
    There's nothing fucking here bruh, look elsewhere.

  20. #20
    el bolb Bloble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Geek View Post
    I'd go too, but I live on the west coast... ;_;
    I live in Canada ;_;

    Either I'm blind or there isn't a single White Castle in the GTA.

    Also, I liked the Berserk crossover a lot. Haven't seen Vampire Hunter D though so I can't comment on it.

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