Tohsaka Online (FSN + SAO crossover) BETA thread

[chronodekar]

SUMMARY:
AU: (Post-UBW True End) Rin Tohsaka finds herself stuck in the virtual game world of Aincrad. SAO world mechanics changed for sake of plot.

Links:

In this thread
Chapter 1 : The announcement that trapped everyone
Chapter 2 : Opening tutorial comes to a conclusion

Story on fanfiction.net
Tohsaka Online

Current beta chapter (on google docs)
<Chapter 3 in progress>

-------------------------------------------------------


Hello folks,

Based on all the feedback I got earlier, I've completely re-written my crossover story (current chapter has over 15k words). Please reply with your comments.

Most importantly, I need some people to help me find any spelling/grammar mistakes in the above document. When you spot a mistake somewhere select it with your mouse and right-click the selection. The option "Comment" will appear. Left-click that and type in what you feel I need to change along with a small signature (An example has already been done near the beginning of the document).

Please mention in this thread what you used as a signature. I want to attribute you in my AN.

-chronodekar

[dragon20990]

I like this a lot better. Expecting normal people to develop reality marbles was a bit much, but geting normal people to develop magic circuits and abilities is something exciting and very much believable. I'm glad the main character is Rin instead of Shirou as he would be too OP in this. Will we see Shirou in Interludes though?

[dedecou]

I like this a lot better. Expecting normal people to develop reality marbles was a bit much, but geting normal people to develop magic circuits and abilities is something exciting and very much believable. I'm glad the main character is Rin instead of Shirou as he would be too OP in this. Will we see Shirou in Interludes though?

Magic Circuits are in the soul, and there is no way to increase them or develop them.

[Comartemis]

Oh look, a crossover with a series I like! I think I'll give this one a look~

“What are you doing, dear?” asked Rin Tohsaka addressing her husband.

Ow. Seriously, ow I think my brain just broke. You've managed to make Rin act out of character on the very first line of the story. That's impressively bad, even disregarding the awkward prose.

Can someone else read the rest and tell me if it gets better?

[Rin-chan Kaihou]

Oh look, a crossover with a series I like! I think I'll give this one a look~


Ow. Seriously, ow I think my brain just broke. You've managed to make Rin act out of character on the very first line of the story. That's impressively bad.

Can someone else read the rest and tell me if it gets better?

I haven't reached the part where Rin enters Aincrad yet but the reasons for which Rin is playing and the manner in which she took it from Shirou's hands was in character IMHO

[chronodekar]

You've managed to make Rin act out of character on the very first line of the story. That's impressively bad, even disregarding the awkward prose.

This has to be a new record for me. I don't remember losing a reader thanks to the very first line before. The first scene, yes. But first line? That's a new one.

It's been edited to something more ... Rin-ish. Hopefully, the others who read this won't puke too much anymore. I apologize for the trauma endured. Then again, it IS labelled as beta.

Any other corrections I need to make? PLEASE feel free to comment directly in the document itself!

-chronodekar

[Kelnish]

This has to be a new record for me. I don't remember losing a reader thanks to the very first line before. The first scene, yes. But first line? That's a new one.

It's been edited to something more ... Rin-ish. Hopefully, the others who read this won't puke too much anymore. I apologize for the trauma endured. Then again, it IS labelled as beta.

Any other corrections I need to make? PLEASE feel free to comment directly in the document itself!

-chronodekar

Out of curiosity, why would Shirou have a video game? As a kid he devoted himself entirely to self-improvement or altruism. The tv in his house was for the news and Taiga. He had no personal belongings other than the nicknacks he was in the process of repairing for others. As far as I can remember the guy rarely even masturbated as a teenaged male for god's sake; at least he never used the porno mags Shinji gave him. I just can't see him going out of his way to vidja now that he is at the clocktower trying to make up his deficiencies as a magus while developing his reality marble and trying to improve his combat potential to the same level as Archer. Add in being a devoted husband to the mix and I just can't see him doing something as selfish, though it is the MOST pedestrian form of selfishness, as getting a video game to enjoy by himself in the free time he wouldn't have.

Now if Rin and Shirou were dragged along as close associates and friends of Waver who wanted to preach his King's message to the virtual masses? That is something I could see. Or if he was using the MMO as a method of staying in touch with Ayako at her insistence? That I could also see.

[chronodekar]

Out of curiosity, why would Shirou have a video game?

Between all the ideas that went in my head this was the best way I could bring in some FSN character into the world of SAO. Canonically speaking, I agree. Shirou is not likely to play video games. I'm going to hand-wave this one. Sorry.

-chronodekar

[Tertium]

one thing that an author on FFN did was that it actually was Taiga's, who'd used her grandfathers mafia connections to get it, and then she got shirou to play it

[chronodekar]

@Tertium,

That IS a nice way to get the NerveGear helmet in Shirou's hands. I'm too sleepy right now. Might add in that explanation after I wake up tomorrow.

-chronodekar

[deviatesfish]

Google docs not working. Why can't you post on the site here? :|

[nick012000]

Oh look, a crossover with a series I like! I think I'll give this one a look~

Ow. Seriously, ow I think my brain just broke. You've managed to make Rin act out of character on the very first line of the story. That's impressively bad, even disregarding the awkward prose.

I don't know. It seems in character to me. After all, when Rin gets mad, she starts smiling.

[dragon20990]

Magic Circuits are in the soul, and there is no way to increase them or develop them.

I'm pretty sure that full immersion AI is impossible in the Nasuverse too. Before Shirou discovered his circuits he would actually create temporary circuits each time he did magic. For all we know, Kabaya has a magic mixed with his technology that allows the permanent development of circuits possible.

[Knick]

True magic circuits are impossible to be made, they are an ethereal structure which lies in the soul that can interact with physical reality. What Shirou did was basically turning his spinal cord into one giant, shitty magic circuit for a temporary amount of time that could kill him if he screwed up using it or when creating it. The only time that I could see someone getting magic circuits that didn't have it before would be either Command Seals (which can act as circuits as shown by Kotomine in F/Z), but even they would be kinda shitty, and possible the 3rd True magic (which is doubtful as its its the manifestation of the soul and not creation of the soul).

You really, really need to work that stuff out, the fact that you have things happening that are flat out impossible is bad, your not even stretching the truth a bit to get what you want but changing a major aspect of the nasuverse.

[nick012000]

I'll point out that people can and do have magic circuits implanted into them, as shown by every magus with a Magic Crest ever, and the censored versions of most of the sex scenes; it's just that it causes problems similar to organ transplantation. If this procedure involves the implantation of "artificial" magic circuits, though, created through technology, it might be able to minimise the risks of rejection similar to organs like artificial hearts and hip replacements.

[Knick]

Except magic crests can only be implanted into family members with magic circuits -.- that's why one of the worst things that can happen to Magus families is if children are born without circuits, they are not Magus and can't inherit the crest (which is manifested knowledge more or less of the family magecraft) making it the end of the families research most of the time. (Zouken/Matou being the only exception because their magic crest are actually the crest worms i believe and not circuits)

[nick012000]

Except magic crests can only be implanted into family members with magic circuits -.- that's why one of the worst things that can happen to Magus families is if children are born without circuits, they are not Magus and can't inherit the crest (which is manifested knowledge more or less of the family magecraft) making it the end of the families research most of the time. (Zouken/Matou being the only exception because their magic crest are actually the crest worms i believe and not circuits)

Because of organ rejection issues, yeah. But you don't have to worry about rejecting a metal hip replacement, now do you?

[Knick]

Because of organ rejection issues, yeah. But you don't have to worry about rejecting a metal hip replacement, now do you?

Yes it is an issue getting a hip in-plant if you never had a hip in the first place, its the same with magic circuits, giving someone something they never had is BAD, very very bad.

It is impossible to effectively implant circuits unless its a magic crest and passing it on though the family, Command Seal can act as psudocircuits that can be used to channel prana though (again shown by kotomine) but even then you still need circuit to use them in order to produce the prana to pass though them.

Saying that true circuits are creatable is wrong, just dead wrong, as in it can never happen. Please stop trying to make things up about something that is already properly established.

[nununu]

Saying that true circuits are creatable is wrong, just dead wrong, as in it can never happen. Please stop trying to make things up about something that is already properly established.

You hear that Einzberns? You can't do that!

[Knick]

You hear that Einzberns? You can't do that!

Homunculus are created and at birth process the circuits, they are also the only family with knowledge of the 3rd so i would say they know a lot about the soul and how to manipulate it and the number of circuits it has, its different than creating artificial circuits and inserting them into someone who never had them.