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Thread: The Seriously Heroic Quest For the Holy Grail (A TypeMoon-RPG parody)

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    The Seriously Heroic Quest For the Holy Grail (A TypeMoon-RPG parody)

    So, what if Type Moon was a JRPG, one that stuck to the rules and tropes of those kinds of games, although in its own unique fashion. What if the plot of it all was plainly evident to one person, while everyone else tried to fight the forces of darkness?

    This was an idea that I've had for a long time, and have spent the greater part of the past couple of months preparing it for you.

    So after two runthroughs of this fic idea in my drabble thread and a visit to my beta to get this thing sorted out, I am posting the revised and enhanced version of my fic here on BL. Henceforth, this thread is this fic's new home.

    I hope you all enjoy.

    Index:



    The Seriously Heroic Quest For the Holy Grail (A TypeMoon-RPG parody)

    Chapter 1: Destiny Is Out To Lunch

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    Once upon a time, there was a peaceful village called Hometown.

    And it was a very peaceful village.

    The sun was always shining brightly, the temperature was always just right, the rain was just frequent enough to keep the flowers blooming and the grass green, the water was pure, the birds sang on key, the dogs and cats lived on a commune together, the mice asked politely for handouts, and the dragons were vegan. It was one of those villages that was so perfect you wondered why anyone bothered living anywhere else.

    It could have been because it was the most boring place in the universe, but hey, at least it was pretty.

    The people who did live there were stereotypical villagers. There was only one trader of each craft eliminate the possibility of internecine combat in the name of increasing profit margins and of course, all of the proprietors were of the kindly elderly couple variety. People suspected that the blacksmith might have been a little crazy, what with all the talk about “the demons returning” and “war that would envelop the planet” and “zombies,” but every village needed a raving madman.

    Families were of the nuclear variety, though strangely the children did not have hair and eye colors that matched those of their parents. So either everyone was having an affair, or there was some kind of mutagen in the food. Either that or there was some kind of genetic experiment conspiracy afoot that spanned thousands of years and had the potential to start the end of the world unless the “chosen one” could collect the ten key pieces of plot advancements and—

    Oh you know the rest, moving on.

    The mayor was a portly man who had a large family and bumbling demeanor. He spent about eleven hours of the day disoriented in his office, trying to figure out where his glasses were whilst using them as a coffee stirrer. Most of his associates blamed this on an injury from when his father used him as a football at the age of six months. Field goals were not the healthiest of experiences for a toddler, after all. This fact usually meant that taxes were about as easy to slip through as an open door.

    However, the mayor did have an uncanny knack for finding potential threats to the peace and serenity of his little town. If ever asked, he could rattle off a few rather conspicuous issues.

    For starters, there was a severe shortage of taverns and pubs within city limits. Yes, the place was supposed to be child friendly, but didn’t the planners of this place ever think that just once the fathers and husbands would all need to go out for a few rounds, complain about their lives, let out all the stress, pass out, and wake up the next morning in the sewers? Not exactly the end of the world, but would make his life a hell of a lot easier.

    There happened to be another problem that was related to of one of his villagers, Kiritsugu Emiya. Now, Kiritsugu was a pretty cool guy. Sure there was that fact that he was overly familiar with the art of killing people, had a background that sounded like he made it up at a diner before work one day, and owned a fully stocked doomsday shelter just five minutes from his farmhouse, but he had a way with kids and was always down for some fun after a hard day’s work. In fact, the mayor could imagine having a drink with him every once in a while…if they had a goddamn pub.

    The problem wasn’t Kiritsugu however. It was his son.

    Shirou Emiya was a normal enough kid he guessed, if it wasn’t for the fact that he had a variety of psychological disorders. Among other things these included, no sense of self, a saving people complex, complete and utter obliviousness to the multiple females vying for his body, and a mysterious past that was unknown to all except for Kiritsugu. He also happened to be well built, good looking, and a complete and utter mor—I mean a little dull. Had the mayor been a more avid reader, he would have known that this was standard “hero material.” His town was probably better off without it, but he had never read anything larger than a children’s bedtime story, so all the previous character traits had about zero importance to him. No, what worried him most was what the kid had a very peculiar fascination with.

    Swords.

    Really, anything with a sharp edge was like candy to the kid, and it was creepy as Hell. Who on Earth whispered lovingly to a weapon they were cleaning? There was a whole wall full of them at his house, and nobody could figure out where on Earth he had gotten them. It wasn’t like their small peaceful village at the bottom of a breezy mountain and next to a clear spring needed weapons for anything. Sure, the kid had never actually put those swords to use, but that sure didn’t put his neighbors at ease. The last thing this village needed was someone creating conflict because he had a venerable armory in his bedroom.

    (The mayor obviously didn’t know about Kiritsugu’s larger armory in the basement. Then again, nobody else did either.)

    He was considering actually adding a police station to the town just to make sure that any restraining orders on the kid were properly enforced. The only problem with this was that it implied that there was something *shudder* criminal in the town.

    The mayor gritted his teeth. Dammit all Kiritsugu! Did you have to save the orphan from that completely accidental fire that was totally unrelated to the eternal conflict between good and evil!?



    …Ah well, at least the guy’s wife and daughter was cute enough for him to let it go.

    That left the third problem.

    Shiki Ryougi was a quiet, reserved girl who just happened to wear some kind of weird dress and had a disquieting aura about her.

    This probably meant she was a princess.

    In fact, most of the villagers would have assumed that she was a princess had everybody already known that she was a princess.

    Her last name was Ryougi, her name was in the Ryougi family directory, the Ryougi family guard followed her around everywhere, and money was a foreign concept to her (not because she spent too much, she just had no use for the stuff). After all of that, if she wasn’t one of the infamous Ryougi crime family, then this was probably some kind of overly long dream they had been living for the past sixteen years.

    Normally a princess wouldn’t be a problem. After all, wasn’t everything better with princesses? Seriously, add a princess to anything, instantly a hundred times better.

    There was a small issue with this particular princess however, namely the fact that she had an unhealthy fascination with murder. Murder and stabbing. This practically permeated an aura of death and malice. Children screamed when they saw her, the elderly suffered from spontaneous cardiac arrest, flowers wilted in her presence, food shop owners suddenly started tacking on exploitative handling costs to their goods…

    …No not really, but she was really damn creepy anyways…



    …Suddenly, the mayor realized a strange connection between all three of his problems. One of them was a lack of alcohol-ready-to-drink and the other two were below the legal drinking age! It was the dryness! That was the root of the problem!

    Next town council meeting, he was forcing through a bill on the mandatory addition of a tavern and a lowering of the said drinking age to sixteen! Screw sobriety! The town’s future was at stake—!

    *BONG! BONG!*

    All lines of thought were irrecoverably lost as the lunch bell tolled. The mayor bolted out of his office, barely giving a second thought to his proposed solution. Eh, whatever. There might be two teenage menaces to their idyllic society roaming the streets, but they were both actively shunned by the rest of the community and so the possibility of their damage reaching anything beyond the hypothetical level was pretty much nil…

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    “Hey Shiki!” Shirou Emiya called to his best friend on his way back from his job at the blacksmith. He had had a good day, other than the fact that his boss had yelled at him for making a spoon with a bladed edge. Something about lack of functionality against rogue androids.

    “Yo Emiya” replied Shiki nonchalantly as she made her way to the forest to go…stab…something…? Honestly, what did she do for fun? “Where are you going?”

    “Mhm!” Shirou replied energetically. Shiki was always willing to accompany him on his monster slaying adventures (two hours of jumping at shadows on the outskirts of town). True, she got a little energetic when it came to the part about the actual slaying (even though they never got to do any), but she totally complimented him on how pointy his swords were. “Everyone’s been saying that The Old Cave on the Outskirts of Town has been glowing and making weird noises lately—“

    “Why does the cave have such a stupid name?” wondered Shiki aloud. “I mean, it’s like someone just took a really ominous description and slapped it—“

    “—So that means that a monster has probably taken up residence inside!” continued Shirou without hearing her. “It’s up to us to go put an end to it!”

    If Shirou had paid any attention at all over the past years, he would have realized that monsters had been avoiding Hometown like the plague for the past decade. If he had paid a little more attention he would have realized that this was about the time his family moved in. Then again, his attention span about anything that didn’t involve swords or heroes was roughly that of a goldfish on speed. Therefore, any connections between Point A and Point B were lost in his rather venerable library of sword knowledge and hero stories.

    Shiki really didn’t care about anything he said except for the end. “There’s stabbing involved, right?” she asked.

    Another great thing that an attention span did. Alerting you when your one and only friend is a complete sociopath.

    Shirou had to think about this one for a moment. “Well…it could be slashing…or hacking…or lunging…or even slapping…” Multiple functionalities. Swords were cool like that.

    “But stabbing is a definite possibility?” Shiki asked again. This was a very important question.

    “…Yes.”

    “Perfect. I’m coming along.”

    Shirou grinned. Best. Friend. Ever. “Yes! This afternoon is going to be awesome! I need to choose what sword to bring!” Shirou squealed in a tone not unlike that of a high school girl who was trying to choose a prom dress.

    Shiki’s mind was elsewhere however. “Just a monster? Ah well” she sighed. Monsters weren’t as interesting to murder as humans, but it was good practice, and she hadn’t stabbed anything at all recently. Meh, you dealt with what you got. Might as go fetch her murder-knife…

    This all went unnoticed by the young man in the middle of one of the most important decisions of his life. “Should I go with a katana, or a broadsword, or a rapier, or something else…?” Shirou asked after about five minutes of internal debate over the subject.



    “Shiki?”

    He looked where his best friend in the whole world had been standing until about three seconds ago to find nothing but air and a foreboding mood hanging around. It was one of those moments when you felt that everything about your life was going to be irrecoverably changed by some freak accident of causality.

    Like most things that lacked edges and points, these facts were ignored. It wasn’t like it was the first time that Shiki had stalked out of the area while he was thinking.

    “Hmpf!” huffed Shirou as he walked back towards his house to get ready. “At least one of us has appreciation for these things...”

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    *On a hill overlooking Hometown*

    “Master, I have serious reservations about this” complained the purple-haired woman for the umpteenth time.

    “Rider! You have your orders, so follow them to the letter! I will make the decisions; you will carry them out! I thought we went over this when we renegotiated your contract!?” spoke back the garbled voice from the crystal ball.

    “We did, Master. However, I still believe I am allowed to give constructive criticism when appropriate.”

    There was a rustling of paper in the background of the other side of the connection. No doubt her boss was checking the fine print on the contract again.

    “And what, pray tell, would that be?”

    “That this whole operation is stupid.”

    “Well—!...Too…Too bad! The overlord demands it so carry out the mission! Don’t tell me you’ve suddenly developed moral reservations.” The last part was spat out like a wad of poison. Her boss really hated morals.

    “Master, you are perfectly aware that my morality is situational at best. My complaints about this assignment are purely professional.”

    “…Go on.”

    “First of all, why did we bother sending the entire army to wipe out one small village without any defenses? Secondly, why was it necessary to send us on a week long trek through the mountains when our fortress is just across the river from here? And thirdly…” she droned, taking fearful glances back towards her tent. “…Why was I assigned three female slaves to keep me company at night?”

    “One: Because overkill is totally evil. Two: Because surprise attacks are totally evil. Three: Because being a pimp is totally evil, and totally cool too. I don’t see why you’re complaining about the last one though. It seems more like a bonus than anything.”

    “…Master, I am a woman.”

    “Yes, your point?”

    “Did you ask me if I was interested in other women?”

    “…Do I care?”

    “Next time, please do. I don’t consider myself grounded in either sexuality, but it’s the principle of the thing.”

    “Not my problem” the voice concluded happily. “Just wipe the village off the map and I’ll give you as many young men as you can handle.”

    “Master, that wasn’t—never mind” Rider sighed, giving up to save herself a migraine. “I will commence Operation…ah…How Totally Evil We Are immediately.”

    “Good! Send pictures! See if you can get some action shots of people fleeing in terror. I love those.”

    “I’ll have the painters get right on that” replied Rider through gritted teeth. “Connection off.”

    The glowing ball dimmed.

    “There has got to be a decent ‘Evil Henchman’ union I could join”, sighed Rider before turning back towards the army. There was going to be drinking after this, a lot of it.

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    The Old Cave on the Outskirts of Town was obviously a popular date site, because hormonal teenagers just love making out in front of a dark hole in a mountain that led to God-knows-where while suspiciously patterned rocks with ominous carvings in their faces loom around. So when Shirou Emiya and Shiki Ryougi disappeared off into the woods, nobody really counted themselves concerned. In fact, the Ryougi matriarch started thinking up names for grandchildren.

    This, of course, was not a date, but it was probably equally stupid.

    After spending about half an hour trying to figure out how to get out of town without being seen before deciding just to walk past the gate and trust that the watchman was taking his third lunch break of the day (which worked splendidly), they were reasonably lost. Most of it was Shirou’s fault. Every rustle in the bushes was somehow a monster to him. One time, he had managed to nearly take down a doe that was minding its own business by a stream. Shiki managed to stop him from taking her prey, and then he managed to stop HER from instigating the plot of Bambi.

    Eventually, the sun started to go down as they continued wandering through the Oddly-Uncanny-Forest-Filled-With-Prophetic-Symbolism-At-Night (the townsfolk really knew how to name things) in search of a monster that may or may not even have existed. Shirou didn’t help matters by clanking around like a walking armory. In lieu of actually choosing a particular kind of sword to bring, he had strapped on every one that he could carry, plus a few that he had to drag.

    Shiki just followed quietly. There wasn’t anything worth stabbing in the general vicinity. Unless you counted Shirou, that is, but that would leave her with no friends. Her mother made her promise to always have at least one living friend at all times or else critical ice cream supplies would get cut off. So she agreed. She had one friend who, incidentally, also had one friend. Her.

    …Although she was starting to think she could have done better in terms of choice.

    “Hey Shiki, do you hear that?” asked Shirou suddenly as they trekked up the mountainside.

    *Crickets*

    Shiki cocked her head. “No. What is it?”

    Shirou stroked his chin thoughtfully as he tried to discern it. “It sounds…it sounds like people screaming!” he gasped, grabbing one of his many swords. “Hurry! The monster must’ve already attacked someone!”

    *Crickets AND MOTHS*

    “You know, I still can’t hear anything…” Shiki continued muttering to herself.

    However, Shirou was pretty much deaf to everything save ‘I’ll help you Shirou!’ and ‘In the name of <insert laudable ideal here>!’ and ‘Shirou your swords are so…pointy…’ Therefore, he was already halfway into the dense brush by the time she lifted her eyes to check on him.

    “…But I guess that doesn’t mean anything to you” Shiki sighed. Maybe there was a disadvantage to having only one friend, like the lack of a change of pace every once in a while. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t anything she could do about this, so she twirled around her murdering-knife (distinct from her other weapons, like the eye-gouging-knife, the castration-knife, and the apple-peeling-knife) and followed her only friend into the unknown…

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    Kiritsugu Emiya was a man of secrets.

    For example, he was afraid of clowns. Ever since one of them had mistimed a juggle and set his hair on fire when he went to the circus as a kid, he had carried a deep seated terror of men in makeup and weird suits. This had caused more than one nervous breakdown at parties throughout adolescence. Eventually though, he met a woman who had taught him a very effective way of combating this fear. Killing people.

    This was one of his other secrets. He was an assassin.

    Retired, of course, but still known as one of the best assassins in the world. He had killed kings (and clowns), slaughtered mercenaries (and clowns) turned entire forts (and clowns) to ash, and saved several million people from death (and clowns). The proudest moment of his career was when he journeyed to the center of Clowntopia, deep in the heart of Clownland, to stop the evil Clownbox from being opened by the significantly more evil Clownmeister and his mindless army of Clowntroopers (did I mention that everything was clown themed?). To this day, he treasured the “Hero of the Republic” medal that he had gotten for his service on that particular quest.

    Although it was hard to look at without laughing these days because he had destroyed said Republic the next year for making November 8th National Clown Appreciation Day.

    Truly abominable.

    …Oh there was that stuff about saving people and ‘must kill one to spare many’ yada yada yada, but that was secondary to his crusade against the clowns.

    These days though, he was more worried about his daughter’s grades (or quality thereof) and his son’s social life (or lack thereof). He was living rather modestly on his not-so-modest bank accounts from his assassinating days and had even taken up a job at the local mine to dispel suspicion. All in all, it was a nice, quiet life that he could honestly say he enjoyed.

    Although, somewhere along the line, he felt that he had lost something.

    “Kiritsugu! We’re going on a vacation right now!” Irisviel cheered as she burst into the study.

    Kiritsugu heaved a sigh. “Iri, we just went on a trip last month” he tried to reason. “We can’t just leave with the whole family when the kids have school.”

    Iri bobbed up and down happily. “I know! Which is why it’s only the two of us going!”

    The color suddenly drained from Kiritsugu’s face. “Iri…are you honestly suggesting leaving those two at home by themselves?” he asked. When his wife nodded, what color that was left practically bled out of his eyes. “Dear, you do know our kids, right?”

    Iri kept nodding. “Mhm! I know Shirou will take good care of his little sister! She really looks up to him you know” she said quickly, dragging a travel bag out of the closet.

    “She’s older” Kiritsugu reminded her, just like he reminded everyone. Honestly, why did his daughter have to have some kind of delayed growth spurt? And for that matter, why did she keep exploiting it? “And I don’t think it’s a good idea to trust either of those two with the care of the other.”

    “Aww Dear” Iri pouted, “How could you not trust the children that sprung from your loins?”

    “Please do not ever use that euphemism again” Kiri shuddered. He was going to keep an eye on her reading material from now on. “As for your question, it’s because they’re my children that I don’t trust them.”

    Iri gave him a funny look. “I don’t understand.”

    Kiritsugu had to take a moment and think. How was he going to break it to her that he had been a contract killer for most of his life before settling down here? She had mostly believed that he had worked as an ambassador for the Kingdom of Whocarezistan. It was also how he’d explained why he had to travel so much and be so secretive about his work. The only downside was that she had leered his old partner into a mental breakdown when he introduced her as his secretary. Something about an affair or something equally stupid.

    Ah well, not enough time to think. Going to have to improvise

    “Just trust me when I say that—ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!”

    This last part got cut short by his wife’s shoe connecting with his groin. Why did that cobbler have to make everything with steel toes?

    “Less excuses and more packing” she commanded, dragging his twitching form towards the bedroom to begin finding clothes. “I haven’t had any downtime in……about a day, but that’s still too long!”

    Kiritsugu groaned.

    “Don’t worry about the kids so much. They’ll get by just fine!”

    Kiritsugu groaned again.

    “In fact, I’ve already made a letter for them so they don’t think we’ve abandoned them forever or sold them into slavery when we vanish without a trace!” she said proudly.

    Kiritsugu groaned a third time but was interrupted by his head hitting the doorframe.

    “Yes! Like how my parents did!”

    Right before he fell into unconsciousness, he remembered what he thought he had been losing for a while.

    Masculinity.

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    “The screaming is getting louder!” gasped Shirou. “We’re almost there!”

    “This does not sound like screaming” said Shiki, “More like…someone chanting.”

    This did not calm Shirou down, just the opposite in fact.

    “THEY’RE PREPARING TO SACRIFICE A POOR VILLAGER TO THEIR DEMON GOD! HURRY SHIKI! WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM!” he shouted hysterically, opting to run even faster.

    At this point, Shirou was making enough noise to rouse an entire city with the combination of his screaming and the clanking of his swords. Shiki was spatially aware enough to understand that if there was a monster out there trying to eat them, it was probably on its way right now unless it was deaf enough to ignore a train wreck. Not that this particularly worried her. Any time not spent stabbing was time wasted. Might as well expedite the process.

    “Oi! Shirou!” she called out in a bored tone. “Make sure you keep an eye out!”

    Once again, Shirou was ignoring this golden nugget of tactical advice in favor of mulling over a sudden bout of Shirou-logic.

    “…If they’re going to summon a demon, they need a sacrifice…probably a virgin” he murmured as he ran. “Take the total number of virgins in Hometown, divide by the square root of cuteness, factor in the innocence constant, apply the relationship algorithm……Oh my God! They have my little sister!” he gasped in shock.

    “—She’s your older sister—“

    “She must be so scared!”

    “—Probably not—“

    “I’m so worried for her!”

    “—You should be more worried for whoever kidnapped her—“

    “What if she loses her childhood innocence!?”

    “…”

    “What if she scrapes her knee!?”

    “…”

    “What if she cries!?”

    “….”

    Shirou suddenly realized that Shiki had been giving him a really narrow eyed stare for a while. He didn’t take this as a warning sign that his life was in danger, like the rest of the villagers, but it did bother him that she wasn’t talking anymore.

    “You know, it’s really scary when you do that” he said with a slight shiver.

    Shiki kept staring.

    “Can’t you just, I dunno, interrupt me like you normally do?”

    Stare.

    “I mean, I know I ignore it and all, but it feels really awkward when we break routine.”

    Stare stare stare.

    “…Please?”

    Starestarestarestarestarestarestarestare—

    “ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I’LL LISTEN!” wailed Shirou, throwing his hands up in surrender. Shiki’s evil eye was just too evil for his pure soul dammit! “What is it!?”

    Shiki sighed. “Shirou, please think waaaaaaaaaay back” she said, gesturing with her hands to emphasize just how far back he should think. “I know this was a really long time ago, so long that it’s probably beyond the limit of your recollection, but remember when we walked into your sister’s room looking for lipstick so you could give yourself ‘heroic scars’ and I wouldn’t have to paint my lips with someone’s blood again?”

    Shirou thought hard.











    Shirou thought really hard.

    At last, he gave up. “Not really, when was this again?” he asked in defeat.

    “Last Tuesday” Shiki reminded him absentmindedly as she twirled her knife some more.

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    Shiki threw open the door like she owned the place. Which she basically did. Shirou’s things were her things. “Illya! Do you have any lipstick we…could…borrow—“

    She suddenly found herself unable to speak, not that there was anything that could really be said to describe this scene anyways.

    “Nyyyyaaaaahhh!~More!~” moaned Illya in ecstasy before noticing that the door was no longer closed. “Oh hi Shiki. What’s up?”

    Shiki blinked. So did the young man under Illya. That did not mean that Illya stopped moving. If anything, she got faster.

    Finally, Shiki recovered enough sense of self to ask, “Illya, what are you doing?”

    “Having sexy-time with my boyfriend. Why do you ask?” the eighteen year old loli asked.

    “Because I don’t remember meeting this guy before. What’s his name?”

    “Oh right! I haven’t introduced you to my newest date yet!” Illya suddenly realized. “Shiki, this is…this is…umm…” She looked down at the rather perplexed guy below her. “What’s your name again?

    The young man’s face suddenly lit up. She was finally asking! “Oh, it’s—“

    “Illya!” shouted a voice from the hallway right before Shirou burst through the door as well. The young man’s face fell as his ability to actually inform the girl of his dreams of his identity was stripped away from him. “Big brother needs some…what are you doing?”

    Illya’s was about to break her brother’s mental health when she remembered what Daddy had said about teaching Shirou anything ‘inappropriate’ before his fragile mind was ready. When that was, she had no idea, but breaking the rule would almost certainly result in no dessert for a week. So, she improvised.

    “I…um…ah…” she stammered, trying to come up with a good excuse that wouldn’t destroy Shirou’s psyche or her ability to finagle him into cooking for her. “…I’m learning how to wrestle!”

    The look on Shiki’s face could be described in one word—

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    “Really?”

    Shirou nodded energetically. “My little sister was learning how to defend herself! That was a great day” he said dreamily.

    Shiki didn’t know what to say. On one hand, if Shirou died, she’d be short one friend and that was kind of a bad thing when you only had one to start out with. On the other hand…he was really asking to be stabbed right now.
    It was a moral dilemma that she faced all too often.

    “She was learning how to defend herself while naked and on top of another person in bed?”

    “There is no end to the situations that a hero must face!” Shirou declared. “Maybe she wants to join me in saving people when she gets older!”

    …Shiki was going to have to up her friend count. Her murder sense was tingling.

    “Once again, she’s older than you” she sighed, taking out her frustrations on a nearby tree trunk, “And besides, what situation can you think of that would make use of that particular position?”

    “Well, let’s say I had just gotten out of the bath.”

    “Ok…”

    “And that I didn’t have my towel with me.”

    “Then you shouldn’t have taken a bath.”

    “But this was after a hard day of heroism and I really needed to take one right away” Shirou insisted before continuing, causing Shiki’s murder sense to begin tingling at intolerable levels. “Anyways, I step into my room to find an evil villain asleep on my bed.”

    Shiki, having stabbed the innocent tree to death several times over in the space of a handful of seconds, calmed down enough to ask, “What kind of villain would sleep on your bed?”

    Shirou had to give this issue some consideration. Nobody really came over to his house did they? There was no way he could know that the entirety of the children aged fifteen and younger were forbidden from going anywhere near the Emiya residence, but he definitely realized that he had had a lack of sleepovers for a kid his age. That really only left one option…

    “Let’s say this villain was you” he suggested without turning around.

    Shiki bit her lip.

    “…And that you’re naked.”

    Shiki’s lip started bleeding.

    “I don’t have any swords on me, so I leap onto you and pin you to the bed” he related with appropriate and overenthusiastic hand motions.

    Shiki started strangling air.

    The imminent threat to his life still beyond Shirou’s comprehension, the boy started to really get into the whole scenario, now adding sound effects and body movements. “In order to incapacitate your legs and since my arms are stuck holding down your torso, I start thrusting my hips—“

    Now, this story could end right now with, ‘And then Shiki killed him for using more innuendo than logically allowable without understanding a word of it’ or ‘And then he and Shiki collapsed into hot and heavy sex, she got pregnant, and they had a bunch of overpowered children who would become the protagonists of this story.’ But that would be boring, so fortunately, Shiki did something she had never even tried before.

    Pray.

    …In a sense…

    “Dear formless, genderless, ageless, soundless, tasteless, hairless, tax-bracket-less overdeity somewhere out there that I am one day going to stab” she whispered more threateningly than reverently, “If you have any pity on this guy in front of me, stop him right now before I stab him too.”

    It was about at that point when they reached a clearing.

    “Hey look Shiki!” Shirou shouted, pointing up ahead. “I think we’re here!”

    Shiki clasped her hands. “Dear…you know the rest. I will make your death as painless as possible” she promised.

    Not hearing any of this, Shirou charged forward. “It’s glowing! Something evil must be afoot! Quickly Shiki! Into the—“

    He was about five steps forward when the ground collapsed beneath him.

    “—CAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVEEEEEE!!!!!!!” he screamed as he plunged into the abyss.

    Shiki blinked. “Alright God-thingy, you can stop now.”

    The ground beneath her cracked.

    “You know what, I’m going to go back to my original plan of killing you as painfully as possible.”

    Then the ground collapsed beneath her as well.

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    Rider walked up to the stage prepared for her, and by stage, one meant the human pyramid of slaves situated in front of the army. Inwardly, she sighed. Sure, there was nothing particularly wrong about using expendable labor for the most pointless tasks, but still, these things were so wobbly. However, the army needed inspiring, and if it took a few minutes of concentrated balance to pull that off, she’d do it.

    After carefully making her way to the top, she cleared her throat and began.

    “Listen up men—!”

    “And women!”

    Rider glared at the source of the interruption, or rather, tried as hard as she could to glare through her blindfold.

    “Is there something you would like to say, Private…”

    “Aurora!” answered the female soldier challengingly, “And I object to the blatant gender discrimination in this army!”

    Rider blinked, again, as well as she could through that blindfold. “Excuse me?”

    The young woman, confident in her position, strode to the front of the line. “You always refer to the men first and the women rarely, if at all!”

    “Well, you see, that’s three less syllables of breath that I’m required to waste on the lot of you—”

    “Furthermore, there’s a noticeable segregation in the camp between the two. Latrines, baths, barracks, armories, you name it. Everything blatantly segregated!”

    “If you turn to the section on sexual harassment in your field manual, then you will plainly see that we’re required to—“

    “There’s also a rigid glass ceiling in pay grades! I earn half the amount that my Sergeant does!”

    “Duh, he’s like three ranks above you—“

    “And finally, why are we being asked to carry these massive phallic symbols into battle!?” she demanded, shaking one of the said ‘phallic symbols.’

    Rider gave her a look, but once again, nobody could tell because of the blindfold. She was going to have to do something about that one of these days. However, at the moment, there were more important matters to address.

    “That’s a spear” she deadpanned.

    Private what’s-her-face continued her glaring. “It’s promoting male superiority.”

    “Right, well, you see we run people through with it. Kinda hard to spread havoc and destruction with only shields.”

    “Yet it violates any resemblance of gender equality in this camp!” yelled the woman again.

    “I suppose I could train you all in unarmed combat, but that’s a few months of work that’s not in my contract…” Rider mused, no longer caring about the squeaking thing on the parade ground.

    “Don’t try and ignore the issue!” it continued squeaking anyways.

    “Maybe if I paid someone to train you…but that would require me to fill out a requisition form for more funds.”

    “You’re avoiding the question!”

    “…But we’re Team Evil and all, so couldn’t we just force them to—No, I suppose that would just encourage them to teach badly in hope that everyone died.”

    “My voice WILL be heard!”

    Partially due to the irony of the last statement, Rider felt the sudden urge to check the position of the sun. It was reaching the horizon rather quickly. If this continued any longer, she was in danger of running over her allotted ‘motivational speech’ time. They had to play this one by the book. That meant raids on innocent villages were to begin precisely at sundown so the flames could be seen from throughout the surrounding area.

    Also, the slave pyramid was getting shakier by the minute.

    “Ok, Private…um…whatever your name was, I think you’re forgetting two things” Rider explained deliberately and calmly, like a reasonable adult.

    “And what might those be?” demanded whoever-she-was.

    “In case you can’t tell, I am a woman, so I have very little interest in advancing your so called ‘male dominance’ or anything like that,” she explained before giving that a little bit more thought, “Although my self-centeredness prevents me from caring about advancing ‘female dominance’ or ‘gender equality’ either. The second thing you forgot is something that might just be a bit more critical…”

    “And what might that be?”

    Rider made a hand signal.

    “I have archers, and tenure.”

    About a dozen bullseyes later, the threat to her speech was taken care of and Rider decided to make do with what time she had left on the clock to get this ‘Marauding Legion of Supreme Evilness’ up and running.

    The name was not her idea.

    “Alright men…” she paused momentarily to see if she would have to pincushion another upstart before continuing. “…We’re going to be sacking the village of Hometown in the valley below. If you look in your contracts, you’re required to take part in at least six acts of villainy each quarter to maintain your current pay grade. Due to the ‘destiny of the world’ related nature of this expedition, it will count for two, one for destroying the town and one for killing the hero who is supposed to save civilization. Just a reminder that overachieving will probably be taken as a power play and it will most likely end with a knife between the ribs while you’re out there pillaging, so if you already have your allotted acts of evil, just kind of…leave. I hate writing memos on non-combat related casualties.”

    There was some grumbling as a few ambitious souls walked out of formation to go find a safer way to get promoted. One actually did get offed as he stalked out. Rider was too busy finishing her speech to care though.
    “Before we get started, I have some announcements” Rider continued, pulling out a sheet of paper and reading off of it. “Umm…Private Johnson, you’ve been randomly selected for human experimentation, so report to the black magic tent once this is over. Captain Orange, Master—I mean ‘The Supreme Queen of Supreme Evilness’ seduced your daughter, so you can go to the appropriations tent to collect your recompense. To those of you who sent in letters, no there will be no vegan or vegetarian options for rations; it’s apparently not ‘evil enough’ for the Queen. Finally, a reminder about the uniform clause in your contracts. It explicitly states that you’re required to have ‘no peripheral vision’ not ‘limited peripheral vision,’ so those of you who have made alterations, fix it.”

    *Crickets*

    “…You can all applaud now.”

    “YEA! GO TEAM EVIL! WAHOO!” screamed the army with clapping and whistles.

    Rider looked around at her army. “Well, might as well get this over with” she said, clearing her throat.

    “ALL FORCES, CHARGE!”

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    “Iri, do you feel that?” asked Kiritsugu in a concerned voice.

    “Hmm? No” she answered.

    “I could have sworn I felt a sudden premonition of impending doom.”

    Irisviel looked back from the reigns. “Oh, that might be because I’m about to jump the cliff.”

    “Oh…” whimpered Kiritsugu.

    “YEA! RIDE EM COWBOY!” she catcalled as she drove the maddened horse over the ravine.

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    You know how cats are supposed to land on their feet? Well, Shiki Ryougi has often been compared to a cat. So when she fell down into the really dark cave for an indiscernible distance, it was predetermined that she was going to land on her feet…

    …On top of Shirou of course.

    “GRAAAAAAAGGGHHH!” he screamed in pain as two wooden sandals smashed onto his back. “MY SPINE!”

    “Oh, Shirou, there you are” remarked Shiki absentmindedly, dusting herself off.

    “Can’t…feel…legs…”

    “Hmm? We seem to be stuck down here.”

    “Feels like…hot rod…jammed…down back…”

    “Ah well, I guess we have to find the exit now don’t we?”

    “…Is this…the end…to a hero’s journey…?”

    Shiki suddenly cocked her head. “Hey Shirou, that chanting we heard earlier is getting louder.”

    “DON’T WORRY ILLYA! BIG BROTHER IS COMING TO SAVE YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!” cried Shirou, recovering from quadriplegia in an instant, leaping to his feet, and charging in a random direction with swords drawn.
    About thirty seconds later, he came charging back.

    “I THINK THAT WAS THE WRONG WAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!” he shouted as he ran by Shiki off into the darkness again.

    This continued for several minutes, with each pass becoming slower and slower than the last one, until he finally collapsed on the ground, exhausted.

    “I might…need…a torch…” he wheezed at Shiki, who was busy trying to figure out something else about the cave.

    “You know Shirou, I think I might be able to hear what the chanting is about now…”

    “W….t….l….n”

    “They’re calling out in some long forgotten language!” shouted Shirou hysterically.

    “No, I think I recognize it.”

    “W…t…r…l…n……W…e…e…….o…n”

    “An ancient demon is going to be brought into the world!”

    “I wish. Would give me something to stab besides you.”

    Wat…r…el…n…W…….er…me…o…”

    “Our town is going to be destroyed!”

    “Good. I’ve been wanting to move for years.”

    “Wat…r…mel…n…W…ter…e…lon…”

    “THEY’RE GOING TO MAKE A VIRGIN SACRIFICE OF MY SISTER!”

    “Again, that wouldn’t be possible.”

    “Wate…mel…n! W…ter…elo…!”

    Shirou’s stomach rumbled. “Why do I feel hungry all of a sudden?”

    “Because they’re chanting ‘Watermelon.’”

    “WATERMELON! WATERMELON!” screamed the choir.

    “SHUT UP!” Shiki screamed back.

    They did.

    On cue, a massive rumbling shook the cave, and one of the cave walls started shifting inwards, revealing another room with a massive glowing crystal in it.

    Shirou’s eyes lit up like Christmas trees. “It’s so…beautiful…”

    Shiki just rolled hers. “It’s so stupid. I’m going to stab whoever came up with this idea.”

    “Hey, what a surprise, me too!” agreed someone with a Brooklyn accent.

    Both of our protagonists looked around wildly. “Who said that?” they asked simultaneously.

    “Me. Now hurry your asses over here. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this to happen?”

    The response was about as expected.

    “FOUL MONSTER! SHOW YOURSELF AND FACE JUSTICE!” roared Shirou, drawing more swords than he had limbs.

    “Someone finally shows up to get stabbed…” muttered Shiki, twirling her murder-knife.

    “You know what? On a normal day I would complain about the fact that the two people who finally found me were a couple of psychos, but desperate times man…desperate times…”

    “REVEAL YOURSELF SO THAT I CAN SMITE YOU AND TAKE BACK MY SISTER!”

    “Whoever you are, keep talking. It makes me want to stab you more.”

    “…Then again, I could always roll the dice on a couple thousand more years for someone a bit more sane………Ah to Hell with it. Hey morons! Get over here already!”

    “YOU DARE TAUNT ME FROM THE DARKNESS, VILLAIN!? MY BLADES OF JUSTICE SHALL SAVE EVERYONE!”

    “Brave words for someone in hiding….”

    “Oh for the love of—IN THE CRYSTAL DUMBASSES!”

    Both teenagers turned towards the massive glowing rock.

    “Much better—“

    Both teenagers pointed their weapons at the massive glowing rock.

    “Ok, not so much. Please don’t tell me you think that you can actually hurt me with those.”

    Shirou gritted his teeth. “What do we do Shiki?” he whispered. “Swords don’t cut rocks, they only make a really annoying twanging sound and hurt your hands a lot.”

    “Hmm” she murmured. “I haven’t murdered a rock before. Let’s get closer and see if we can find a weak spot.”

    “You know I can hear you two…”

    Our two heroes(?) stalked towards the stone warily, finally reaching the small island that it was situated on and standing at the ready in case it tried anything funny.

    “So?” asked Shiki, still in search of a way to become the first woman to murder a giant glowing rock. “Who are you and what do you want?”

    “And where’s my sister!?” demanded Shirou, trying to keep his swords in his hands.

    “To that last question, no clue. But as for the first two, my name is Bob and I’m one of the ten crystals of DESTINY.”

    Shirou lowered his swords in confusion. “Crystal of Destiny?”

    “No, Crystal of Destiny. You gotta get the bold part right.”

    “Uh, Ok?”

    “Well then, a little about myself. You see, I was a normal guy once upon a time. Working class, no girlfriend, spent more on cigarettes than I did on gas, ate takeout every other day, played H-games in my free time…”

    Shirou leaned in close to his friend. “Psst, Shiki, what’s he talking about?”

    “Someone will tell you when you’re older” she explained dismissively.

    “…Then one day, I needed cash, so I signed up for this one weird superpower experiment that was supposed to save the world or something like that. Didn’t really think about that much since I was more worried about saving my bank account. Guess what happened?”

    “You developed powers that let you save the world!?” guessed Shirou excitedly.

    “You developed powers that let you kill the world?” guessed Shiki in about as excited a voice as she ever got.

    “I had diarrhea for a week, but that’s not the important part. You know those annoying waivers that they make you sign before they do crazy crap like that?

    “The ones that nobody reads?” asked Shiki.

    “Yep! Turns out there was this little bit of fine print that said that, ‘If the embodiment of evil was unleashed upon the world, ending civilization as we know it and leaving humanity a desolate replica of its former self, then our souls would automatically get backed up to some kind of crystal system so we could pass along whatever powers the powers that be had developed to the heroes of the next era so they wouldn’t suffer the same fate.’ Fun stuff.”

    “…Sounds like a raw deal” Shirou said sympathetically.

    “You have no idea, kid. I’ve been stuck in here for the past ten thousand years. TEN THOUSAND FUCKING YEARS AS A ROCK! You have any idea what that’s like!? Ten millennia since I had a decent cup of coffee! Ten millennia since I watched a game of baseball! Ten millennia since I’ve gotten to get piss drunk and wake up next to some random woman that I’d never met before!”

    “Shiki, what does—“

    “Someone will tell you when you’re older.”

    “I’ve been spending an eternity in here, trying to find whatever hero I’m supposed to give these powers to so I can finally get free of this God-forsaken piece of real estate. In hindsight, if I knew the chanting would work, I would have done that five thousand years ago.”

    “Wait, the chanting was you?” wondered Shirou.

    “Yep.”

    “But it didn’t sound anything like you.”

    “Oh, I got REAL good at voice acting while I was in here. One of the few things a massive talking rock can actually do for fun. Listen to this.”

    There was the sound of a throat being cleared.

    “SEPHIROTH!” screamed the choir, causing both teens to jump in surprise.

    “Heh, I love doing that one.”

    After recovering his wits, Shirou final got the nerve to ask the most burning question of his life.

    “Does this mean that I’m destined to become a hero!?”

    “Hunh?”

    “Well, you said that you’ve been waiting for thousands of years for a hero to arise so that you can give him the power he needs to save the world right!? Does that mean I’m that hero!?”

    “You!? Hell no! The real hero was down here about five thousand years ago. Gave him the powers and everything. Poor bastard never saved anything though, so I’m still stuck down here.”

    Shirou’s face fell drastically. “Why couldn’t he save anyone!?”

    “Couldn’t get out of the cave. Actually, if you look over there, you can still see his skeleton.”

    Both teens turned towards the opposite wall. Sure enough, there was an armored skeleton that seemed to have died trying to claw his way up.

    “That’s…comforting…” observed Shiki.

    “SO I’LL NEVER BECOME A HERO!?” wailed Shirou in despair. “NOOOOOOOOO! I SHOULD END MY MISERABLE EXISTENCE RIGHT NOW! LIFE HAS NO MORE MEANING!!!!”

    “Oi! Oi!” protested Shiki. “Don’t go doing stupid stuff like committing suicide. At least let me murder you instead!”

    “I have a better idea! Don’t do either of those things! I’m not letting the only way out of here that I’ve had in an age just off themselves!”

    “BUT I’LL NEVER BE A HERO!”

    “I said you weren’t the guy I was supposed to give powers to, but hey, look how he turned out. I still have the ability to hand these things out like they’re candy you know. So if you want to be a hero, by all means, just touch the shiny rock and let’s get this started! Just make sure you save the world or whatnot so I can get out of here alright?”

    *Sniff* “I can still be a hero? I can still save people?”

    “Sure! Just um…make sure that you don’t die doing it alright. I really want out.”

    “Of course! I have a duty as a hero to save you too!” Shirou assured him.

    Shiki looked around in confusion. “So I won’t be murdering Shirou?”

    “Doesn’t look that way girlie.”

    “Oh, then can I have a power too then?”

    “Umm…sure! I don’t see anything about only one hero in the TOS agreement! The more the merrier, and a better chance of me getting out of here! Just touch the crystal and we can get this started!”

    Shirou practically tripped over himself to touch it. Shiki was calmer, but still looked apprehensive.

    “Ok then, let’s see here…before we start there’s a few questions I have to ask you guys. First off: What is your name?”

    “Shirou Emiya”/“Shiki Ryougi”

    “What is your favorite color?”

    “Red”/“Red”

    “Do you have a family history of diabetes, heart disease, or lung problems?”

    “No”

    “Do you smoke?”

    “Well the forge—“

    “No we don’t.”

    “Are you on any prescription medications?”

    “No”

    “Are you nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant?”

    “What does—“

    “Someone will tell you when you’re older, but no.”

    “Have you ever had an erection lasting longer than—“

    “We’re done here” said Shiki before Shirou’s fragile mind could be bombarded with any more terminology that he didn’t understand today.

    “I’ll take that as a no. Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s start this! Just hook up the wheel here and……Presto! Let’s see what you get!”

    “Wait, it’s randomized?” asked Shirou, “That doesn’t sound very safe.”

    “Well, the apocalypse happened when they were still testing this, so you guys get stuck with the beta version! Don’t worry though, at most you’ll get a few days of really bad cramps…I think.”

    “Whatever” said Shiki impatiently, “Let’s just get this started.”

    “I don’t know” responded Shirou, “What if it—“

    “You get to be a hero if you do this.”

    “FORWARD INTO THE UNKNOWN!”

    “Wow, he is really set on this whole hero thing. Meh, not my problem. Let’s see how this goes then! First off for the idiot redhead!”

    There was a loud ringing sound and what sounded like really cheesy elevator music while a ticking went off in the background. When at last the ticking stopped and the thing rang again, a massive radiance filled the room and energy surged into Shirou, who went into spasms.

    “This normal?” asked Shiki.

    “No, I’m just really bored after ten thousand years in the rock. Thought I’d make it a bit more dramatic.”

    “Ah…”

    When at Shirou stopped twitching at last, a loud ding was heard and over his head appeared some kind of illusionary sword. Shirou was obviously transfixed by this and made multiple attempts to grab it, all to no avail.

    “Hunh. The power of ‘Sword?’ Kind of strange. Whatever works for him I guess. NEXT!”

    “Don’t even think about zapping me” Shiki warned him.

    “Don’t worry, I only dick around with other members of my gender. I have more class than to harm a lady.”

    “For some reason I don’t believe you.”

    “Also, I gotta ask, ever consider drinking more milk? You’re a little small at the important parts.”

    “…Your life is forfeit.”

    “Heh, try killing a ten thousand year old rock why don’t you? I can have my fun, but that’s beside the point. Here goes nothing!”

    After a scene similar to Shirou’s, the light died down and above Shiki’s head was a symbol of…

    “Ok, haven’t seen that one before.”

    “Wow, Shiki, what power did you get?” asked Shirou wondrously.

    Shiki looked up for a few seconds, studying the illusionary…um…illusionary something. It wasn’t exactly something that could be discerned by the naked eye, probably because of all the mosaics over it.

    Then, she smiled.

    “Plot.”

    “Hunh?”

    “Plot. I have the power of plot.”

    Shirou was silent for a moment. Then, Shirou logic.

    “SHIKI! YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE EVIL!!!!” he shouted, grabbing his swords. “I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND, BUT YOU WERE REALLY PLANNING TO DO……SOMETHING!!”

    “Not that kind of plot, moron” Shiki sighed. “Honestly. It’s like narrative causality.”

    “…What?”

    “Right, too big of a concept for you. Just think of it as something really, really cool.”

    “Ok…”

    “Well that’s certainly a dumb power. Who on Earth would want—“

    Bob was cut short by Shiki stabbing him.

    He died.

    Shirou’s eyes widened. “Why did you do that!?”

    Shiki shrugged. “My desire to murder him had been steadily growing the longer we stayed in here.”

    “And that’s a good enough reason!?”

    “Yes, I actually think that makes me the first woman to murder a ten thousand year old talking crystal” she said thoughtfully.

    “B-but how!?”

    “Oh, really simple. I just stabbed his ‘point of plot.’ It pretty much edits him out of the plot from that point onward.”

    “I promised to save him though!”

    Shiki rolled her eyes. Couldn’t this guy see that there were more important things than saving some annoying crystal of plot advancement? Like murdering said crystal? Either way though, her newfound Sense of Plot Direction (which really complimented her new Mystic Eyes of Plot Perception) was telling her they had somewhere to be at the moment.

    Time to interject a strategic distraction specifically geared towards Shirou.

    “Shirou, we can worry about that later. At the moment, we should probably be getting back to the village.”

    Shirou momentarily forgot his impotent rage for having failed to save Bob. “Why?”

    “Because it’s probably getting destroyed as we speak.”

    There was a beat.

    “WHAT!?”

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    “Ok people we are on a deadline!” shouted out Rider over the carnage. She gritted her teeth. Having to supervise these morons while they attempted to destroy a village in a halfway professional manner was grating on her nerves.

    She ran across a few soldiers trying to set fire to the town hall. She conked two of them over the head for the trouble. “Do this efficiently! One team pillage, the other burn, and remember that order!”

    Elsewhere, a few soldiers were trying to chase down some village women. Rider rolled her eyes before motioning for a few archers to kill the fugitives and turning to lecture her men again. “No raping please, it takes too long! We’re not getting paid overtime need I remind you!?”

    For the umpteenth time that day, she sighed. Minions. They were always so incompetent. Why, just a few minutes ago she ran across a pair trying to simultaneously drown and burn a villager. What a serious waste of manpower.

    As she stepped into the ruins of a house, she casually stomped on a burning piece of paper that was probably important to the plot, but of no relevance to her. Casualties always left those annoying mementos lying around for their surviving kin to cry over. Couldn’t they just have them delivered posthumously to a pre-specified location so she didn’t have to deal with loudly weeping widows and orphans all the time?

    Before she left though, she ran across a still strange form under a bed.

    “Hunh? What have we here?”

    She poked it.

    It giggled a bit.

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    “What do you mean the village is under attack!?” cried out Shirou as they ran through the forest.

    “Well, the hero’s home has to be destroyed to give him an emotional reason to go on the quest and no place to return to” Shiki explained.

    “B-but why would anyone destroy our village!? It’s the most peaceful place ever!”

    “That’s probably why. If you want to destroy something for shits and giggles, you have to choose the most innocent and unassuming of places to prove how evil you are and how justified the heroes are for going out to defeat you.”

    “Shiki you aren’t making sense anymore” groaned Shirou.

    Shiki sighed. “Ok, think about it this way. What is our village’s name?”

    “Hometown.”

    “No, what’s its full name?”

    “…I don’t know.”

    “its full name is ‘The Main Hero’s Hometown Which Has To Be Destroyed In The First Act To Advance The Plot.’”

    “…Who would name a town that?”

    “Dunno, but I’m going to stab them if I meet them.”

    Shirou shook off his doubt and charged even harder. “If that’s the case, we have to hurry! If we go a bit faster, we can save everyone!”

    “Oh, there’s probably no chance of that. We’ll most likely arrive just in time to see the carnage and maybe listen to a few dying words” Shiki informed him. “You took too long making that sword ladder for us to actually be of any use during this.”

    “BUT IT WAS A LADDER MADE OUT OF SWORDS!” Shirou protested to the universe. “IT WAS SUPPOSED TO SAVE EVERYONE!”

    “…How exactly?”

    “SWORDS!”

    “I don’t know of any plot that works like that.”

    “Screw the plot!” shouted Shirou defiantly, creating more swords like he had been doing for the past ten minutes. There was pretty much a sword trail leading through the woods at this point. “I’m going to save Hometown, and then I’ll save the world BECAUSE MY SWORD IS THE SWORD THAT PIERCES THE HEAVENS!!!!!”

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    *Ten minutes later*

    “Well, there goes one part of your plan” said Shiki, looking out over the smoldering ruins of Hometown. “Don’t worry though, you still have the other one.”

    “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” wailed Shirou to the sky as he stood in the remains of his house. Specifically, the remains of the kitchen.

    “Look on the bright side” continued Shiki over his screaming, “You don’t have to worry about the finals that were supposed to be next week. God knows you would have flunked them.”

    “MOM!? DAD!? ILLYA!? EVERYBODY’S DEAD!!!!!!!” Shirou continued wailing, unconsciously kicking away the burnt remains of what might have been a plot important letter from his parents detailing just where they had gone before a series of contrived coincidences caused its destruction.

    “Now, we don’t know that. After all, we haven’t found the bodies yet.”

    Shirou, not listening to her, continued his raving, “I COULDN’T SAVE ANYONE! I CAN MAKE A LADDER OUT OF SWORDS BUT I CAN’T SAVE ANYONE! I’M THE WORST HERO EVER!!”

    Shiki rolled her eyes. “If that’s what you think, you haven’t read enough actual hero stories. Try the old stories. Those always end terribly.”
    Right, listen to the crazy woman why don’t you?

    “I swear!” vowed Shirou, jamming one of his many swords into the ground at his house and kneeling before it. “I will avenge everyone! I will honor their lives by saving the world from the evil that took their lives! Mark my words whatever villain did this! I will stop you, no matter the cost!”

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    “Achoo!” Rider sneezed as she led the army back to base after a productive day of spreading terror and sowing carnage. “Aw crap, that probably means that there were survivors.” She sighed. “There goes my bonus...”

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
    Shiki stole away into a secluded part of town where her own house used to be as her best friend continued his epic speech in the town square, or what was left of it.

    As she looked through the wreckage, she wondered to herself, “Now, is all of my family dead? I don’t really care either way, but not knowing is a bit of a pain.”

    Spoiler alert: They’re dead.

    Shiki twitched in annoyance. “Thank you Mr. Exposition for killing the suspense.”

    You’re welcome.

    Shiki looked up at the sky. “I know you’re to blame for this. Even if nobody else can see you, I know you’re out there. Even if nobody else can hear you, I know you’re responsible. Even if nobody else cares, I will deal with you.”

    Come and try. You all suffer for my enjoyment. Should be fun to watch you exercise effort in futility.

    “I will, and know this. When you think that everyone is too busy fighting whatever main villain exists in this story, I will be there, ready to strike the lethal blow. I don’t care if it takes me the whole plotline. You made a huge mistake when you gave me this power by whatever contrived narrative causality you employ.”

    I dare you. Try and kill a metaphysical concept.

    “I will…”

    Don’t even say it. I control what you say!

    “…Kill you…”

    You think you scare me? I gave you your power to advance MY storylines. Don’t think it’ll save you.

    “…Narrator.”

    Bring it, little girl.

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
    “—And when the darkness marches out of the abyss to claim this world as its own, know that I will be there, defending all those who need m—“

    *DUH DUN DUUUUNNNN!!!!*

    Shirou looked around in annoyance. “Who interrupted my speech!?”

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
    *Off in some secluded part of the plot*

    The main villain looked up from the scrying spell in annoyance.

    “Who interrupted his speech!? That’s like the best part of the prologue!”

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    *PREVIEWS*

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    Our heroes take a level in map reading...

    "I think we're going the wrong way" remarked Shiki.

    "Well, the arrow on the compass is pointing forward, so this is definitely the right way to find the town!!!"

    ...And contribute to the local economy...

    "I asked for twenty bear asses" complained Shinji. "This is nineteen. Keep searching."

    "Some bears don't have asses, alright!?."

    ...While the villains get some downtime...

    "No, this is my first vacation since I started working at this joint. I am not cutting it short just to stop a couple of heroes from undoing all our 'nefarious schemes'" said Rider.

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX



    So there you have it. The prologue of my TypeMoon/RPG parody.

    Since this has already been done for a bit (getting it all beta'd and edited properly took a while), the next chapter shouldn't be too far off.

    As always, read and review. The more things you guys bring up, the better my writing becomes.
    Last edited by Riven; October 26th, 2014 at 02:48 AM.

  2. #2
    In Memoriam Kelnish's Avatar
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    Hey, this. I like this. The part that was funny was my favorite.

    So, because this is a JRPG with a COMPLEX AND UNIQUE PLOT, I'm assuming that Rider is obviously the sub-boss for Sakura who is the Sub-Boss for Zouken who is the Red Herring for Gilgamesh who is the ORIGINAL sub-boss for Kotomine who is the second red herring for Ilya, who as it turns out is acting at the direction of Irisviel who just really wants her son to fulfill his life goals.

  3. #3
    DO they have levels? Disgea levels?

  4. #4
    Drunk Anime Is The True Path. Mattias's Avatar
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    What the hell did I just read?

    Kerry with a clown vendetta? Rider as the Jobber Lead Minion? Antagonistic Narrator?

    It's glorious!

    Gundam-a-thon Status: 0079 Zeta ZZ Char's Counterattck War In the Pocket F91 Stardust Memories Victory G Gundam Wing Endless Waltz 8th MS After War X Turn A SEED 00 Unicorn AGE Reconguista The Orgin Thunderbolt IBO

    DONE!!!!!! 4 years, 1 week.

    Bonus Rounds: Gundam-san Escalflowne Build/Try/Divers

  5. #5
    のワの Nonowa~ Gunbazca's Avatar
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    Good going so far. Can't wait for the lampshaded PLOT TWEESTs.

    "MONGLERS!" - Gilgamesh, last words


  6. #6
    I Got This Sage of Eyes's Avatar
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    Subbed, and is there truly a fandom for ShikiXShirou?

    Convenient Spoilering Is Convenient

    THE AHOGE HATH BEEN REMOVETH







    Quote Originally Posted by Kyte View Post
    I can't believe I'm gonna say this but you're missing a comma this time.
    Quote Originally Posted by LeopardBear View Post

    COMMAS

    THEY GO THERE

    THAT SPACE BETWEEN CLOSE QUOTE AND THE LAST WORD
    I've got a published book!
    Please go and give it a read!
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  7. #7
    Shirou is Fighter McWarrior and Shiki is pretty much Black Mage Evilwizardington. Kiritsugu has a deep seated hatred of clowns. I'm subbing this so hard.

  8. #8
    The Unpronounceable lhklan's Avatar
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    What just- Did you- ......
    Fuck it. Continue this, please.
    Underneath the Stars

    Spoiler:




    Spoiler:



  9. #9
    Another Day At the Office Riven's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kelnish View Post
    Hey, this. I like this. The part that was funny was my favorite.

    So, because this is a JRPG with a COMPLEX AND UNIQUE PLOT, I'm assuming that Rider is obviously the sub-boss for Sakura who is the Sub-Boss for Zouken who is the Red Herring for Gilgamesh who is the ORIGINAL sub-boss for Kotomine who is the second red herring for Ilya, who as it turns out is acting at the direction of Irisviel who just really wants her son to fulfill his life goals.
    Yes, but this is a parody of a JRPG with a COMPLEX AND UNIQUE PLOT, so don't think the role assignment is going to be that predictable :P

    Quote Originally Posted by khagerou View Post
    DO they have levels? Disgea levels?
    Haven't played Disgea so I couldn't tell you, but few mechanics are safe from satire in this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sage of Eyes View Post
    Subbed, and is there truly a fandom for ShikiXShirou?
    You'd be surprised.

    On a related note, are people really getting shipping vibes from this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Speckled Burd View Post
    Shirou is Fighter McWarrior and Shiki is pretty much Black Mage Evilwizardington. Kiritsugu has a deep seated hatred of clowns. I'm subbing this so hard.
    I'll admit, 8-bit Theater, Looking For Group, and Order of the Stick were some of my biggest inspirations for this.
    Last edited by Riven; November 17th, 2012 at 09:23 PM.

  10. #10
    Dat look Raven2785's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Riven View Post
    I'll admit, 8-bit Theater, Looking For Group, and Order of the Stick were some of my biggest inspirations for this.
    Those are some very good inspirations. Also, subscribed to this thing as of now.

    Spoilered for your convenience

    Quote Originally Posted by Elf View Post
    Or he just knows that Sakura's vagina isn't the scary place everyone else thinks it is.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mcjon01 View Post
    A good box is like a good woman: thick, sturdy, and easy to get into.
    Quote Originally Posted by eddyak View Post
    Breasts aren't made of concrete. They do change shape- gravity, orientation, momentum.
    Quote Originally Posted by LeopardBear View Post
    I am thy lord thy canon pairing. Thou shalt not have any other pairings before me.
    Quote Originally Posted by oblueknighto View Post
    Horrible people don't like bacon.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kyte View Post
    Holy shit man you're magical.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mcjon01 View Post
    Words don't have genders you illiterate fucks.
    Quote Originally Posted by Paitouch View Post
    I am 100% uncultured swine.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mcjon01 View Post
    We now live in a world where a Final Fantasy VII remake will exist before the Tsukihime remake.


  11. #11
    I Got This Sage of Eyes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Riven View Post

    You'd be surprised.

    On a related note, are people really getting shipping vibes from this?
    I get Shipping vibes from everything, I try to focus on the plot(or lack of) most of the time.

    I'm just one of those people who likes seeing my favorite characters clash/romance more for the novelty of the fact since no relationship is ever portrayed completely the same.

    I would also like some links to ShirouXShiki.

    Convenient Spoilering Is Convenient

    THE AHOGE HATH BEEN REMOVETH







    Quote Originally Posted by Kyte View Post
    I can't believe I'm gonna say this but you're missing a comma this time.
    Quote Originally Posted by LeopardBear View Post

    COMMAS

    THEY GO THERE

    THAT SPACE BETWEEN CLOSE QUOTE AND THE LAST WORD
    I've got a published book!
    Please go and give it a read!
    http://www.jukepopserials.com/home/read/767

  12. #12
    As American as a foreign immigrant EnigmaticFellow's Avatar
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    I like works such as these, so keep up the good work, Riven.
    Spoiler:
    Quote Originally Posted by Mcjon01 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Tangerang View Post
    Gilgamesh has A Lck.

    wut bout that
    His fate as the most powerful Servant is to steamroll every war he takes part in.

    Somehow, he manages to defy all odds and deny this fate.
    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous
    If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.

    What Fate/Stay Night character are you?
    Kotomine Kirei
    You are Kirei. You've always been a little different from the rest. You probably have low social skills. Whatever, it's not like what they think matters anyway. Ever searching for something missing within you, you probably don't experience the same happiness as everyone else. Good and evil are just labels, you are who you are.

  13. #13
    吸血鬼 Vampire linkhyrule5's Avatar
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    Subscribed. Oh dear gods I think I cracked a rib.

  14. #14
    もぐもぐ Mashina's Avatar
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    This is glorious. Subscribed.

  15. #15

  16. #16
    NO! RIn is actually the tag along for the heroes Rival , Archer.
    They try to kill each other , they help each other, so that fits the bill.

  17. #17
    Attention Span Gone Aiden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiresias View Post
    Why do I have a feeling Rider's direct boss is actually Rin?
    Because that is an awesome idea.
    Spoiler:
    Spoiler:


    Quote Originally Posted by Lycodrake View Post
    Aiden's mind is a scary place, but this part is nice.
    Quote Originally Posted by Radiantbeam View Post
    I dunno, I quite like Aiden's mind.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hymn of Ragnarok
    .....Damn yo-

    NO. NO I WILL NOT SAY IT.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hmyn of Ragnarok
    Damn you


    My Work:
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    Semi-Random Pieces and Drabbles

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  18. #18
    As American as a foreign immigrant EnigmaticFellow's Avatar
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    I'm going to call it long in advance that Kotomine Kirei becomes the healer for the heroes' team.
    Spoiler:
    Quote Originally Posted by Mcjon01 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Tangerang View Post
    Gilgamesh has A Lck.

    wut bout that
    His fate as the most powerful Servant is to steamroll every war he takes part in.

    Somehow, he manages to defy all odds and deny this fate.
    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous
    If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.

    What Fate/Stay Night character are you?
    Kotomine Kirei
    You are Kirei. You've always been a little different from the rest. You probably have low social skills. Whatever, it's not like what they think matters anyway. Ever searching for something missing within you, you probably don't experience the same happiness as everyone else. Good and evil are just labels, you are who you are.

  19. #19
    Another Day At the Office Riven's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiresias View Post
    Why do I have a feeling Rider's direct boss is actually Rin?
    Because shenanigans.

    Quote Originally Posted by khagerou View Post
    NO! RIn is actually the tag along for the heroes Rival , Archer.
    They try to kill each other , they help each other, so that fits the bill.
    A nice thought, but that would be too easy.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aiden View Post
    Because that is an awesome idea.
    We shall see what you think when the reveal happens.

    Quote Originally Posted by EnigmaticFellow View Post
    I'm going to call it long in advance that Kotomine Kirei becomes the healer for the heroes' team.
    I will tell you that you are very, very close.

  20. #20
    Don't @ me if your fanfic doesn't even have Shirou/Illya shipping k thnx ItsaRandomUsername's Avatar
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    The sidesplitting caused by this could crack a continent.
    McJon01: We all know that the real reason Archer would lose to Rider is because the events of his own Holy Grail War left him with a particular weakness toward "older sister" types.
    My Fanfics. Read 'em. Or not.



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