Fate/Strange Duplicate

[Asdfghl]

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.

Well, this is my first real attempt at fanfic. It's a Sixth War fic (that will probably eventually have a Sixth War) that takes place after an AU ending of Fate/Strange Fake and the Snowfield War. I've read just enough to be aware that I have no idea how to judge my own writing. Constructive criticism is welcome.

I'm writing this in a highly disorganized fashion. Different characters will have slightly different perspectives/views/writing styles. I will not be making use of unreliable narrators, because, as much as I like them, I don't think I can pull them off. Anyways, I'll get back on topic now. I have some parts of the story already laid out in my head, (Masters, Servants, setting) but most of it will be just made up on the spot since I'm lazy I want freedom to add ideas as they come.




Mari Itomura 1

London, England. Norwich Student Dormitory, Fourth Floor. 2023, nine years after Snowfield. Evening.

Even the Clock Tower's name was misleading. Of course, the official representative had assured her that the "famous title" was "full of history and prestige", and, while the repute of Clock Tower was recognized across the world, Mari Itomura privately suspected that they kept the outdated misnomer just to confuse new entrants. As if they needed any more confusion! Even in the Academy, just talking to the wrong student or mentioning a possible department change might trigger a wave of repercussion; anything from stolen pencils to sabotaged exams to suddenly finding out that your favorite bakery- the one that sold those delicious fruit tarts- had, with no warning whatsoever, gone out of business might result.


She turned her head. Lying face-down was nice, but so was breathing. She'd just have to turn her neck periodically.


The whole place was mad. The lessons started out at a fast pace and only grew faster. But that was alright. She could deal with that, if she could figure out where they were. The ridiculous three page schedule in tiny print, reissued every week, had no consistency; random guest lecturers showed up, other teachers were too busy with personal projects, had been off fighting Dead Apostles, or didn't feel like waking up. That was okay. She could work around it, if she had time and privacy. But the dormitory doors were never locked, although Prana exchange was frowned upon, since there were other Magi who could use the money from potion sales. Ostensibly, this was so that any student attempting their own experimentation could be caught. Realistically, any intelligent student could hide their work. Of course, the Mage's Association would have no reason to teach someone who was idiotic enough to try their ideas without secrecy, so they won either way. All of these things were tolerable, but the worst of it was that the scholars and teachers, the adults who were supposed to keep the mess that was Clock Tower Academy under control, thought it was a good idea. They knew everything that was going on, and they did nothing to curb the plotting.


It was the beginning of her second year and she still hadn't fully adjusted. If her younger sister was here, she'd have a horrible time. That girl was cute, though, in her own way, even if she couldn't take any pressure. She'd never attend Clock Tower. Mayumi simply wasn't interested in Magecraft. Mari had been the one to ask her parents about Shikigami; they were happy to teach her. It was easy to see, in retrospect, that she was only learning a sliver of a branch of a branch of backwater techniques, but it had been interesting at the time. She would have been better off not knowing what she had; the Japanese ideas of Magecraft didn't mesh well with Clock Tower theories. Aside from that, just being born asian had cost her multiple quizzes and lectures. People would "accidentally" knock her books away and then apologize profusely. Of course, they were "late for class" and had to "get going right now; you know Donlan doesn't tolerate late students", but the ruse was obvious. She'd never seen or even been the slightest bit interested in Japan, but her unwanted heritage had resulted in discrimination, bad habits, and the lack of a useful crest.


Her hair scraped the pillow as she turned her head the other way. Picking her head up would be more comfortable, but she was just too tired.


That summer had been exhausting. She was going to use the vacation for rest, but she wanted to do something with some of her time. Looking for extracurricular credit, she'd taken an empty spot in some Lord's expedition along the path of Alexander the Great. The expedition was only supposed to take two weeks. They had returned two months later. Despite the extra length, the trip had been worth going on; she'd met someone her age and ended up with a lyre from Troy. Once she reluctantly showed it to the Lord, he laughed and, oddly, said, "Alexander didn't want that one." He allowed her to keep it. As the expedition's patron, he was entitled to his pick of the spoils. An artifact from the Age of the Gods could fetch quite a tidy sum, sold through the right channels; more than enough for some new clothes. Had he just been showing off? He was a Lord, after all, and not exactly hard on the eyes at that...


Mari rolled over, dizzy with sleep. Most of the Academy girls had their eyes on Lord El-Melloi II, so why even think about him? Some other girl would snatch him up, although... What kind of person would reject all those suitors? She'd have to find some sort of curtain soon; Narcelle had mentioned that the draping blanket made her appear antisocial, which was (obviously) only alright if you were a brooding prodigy, which, the girl had made very clear, Mari was not. She tried to move herself, but her straight black hair had gotten caught under her shoulder. She winced, closed her eyes, and tried to sleep. The next lecture was at 21:42 and Madrigal had asked her to wake him up half an hour early...

----

Glaucus Lidell 1

London's, England. Clock Tower, under the British Museum. Same time.


Glaucus Lidell hurried over to the desk, wiped some non-existant specks of dust off with his hand, sat down, and began to work. He knew, without checking any sort of timepiece, that he had lost ten irretrievable minutes and forty-seven indispensable seconds, but Clock Tower's current state dictated that a letter like the one just delivered had to be sent in person. As the Chief Itinerarian of Clock Tower, he had to have an intimate grasp of its workings, machinations and rituals to even attempt getting any organization done. He liked to think that his schedules, while their contents wildly varied, were one of the few constants in Clock Tower. They always came out on time.


Space was a hot commodity in Clock Tower, yet nobody tried to requisition Glaucus's enormous office. It wasn't out of fear or respect; no Magus of ability would become a glorified schedule-maker. The reason he was allowed a fifty-foot cube of prime real estate under Clock Tower was because that was the absolute minimum required to do his job. Paper was everywhere; actually everywhere, not just covering the floor, (although it certainly was), but attached to the ceiling and hanging motionless in the air. Half-clockwork hummingbirds, his Mystic Code familiars, flitted back and forth, moving documents in seemingly random patterns. Glowing feeder/lamp combinations provided some light, but he had to depend on the tiny lights implanted on their foreheads. The bird's natural eyes required light, but too much would impair his focus.


He reached out of his body. The hummingbirds were like limbs, near-perfect extensions of his mind. Latching on to one was second nature for him. Retrieve document <<4242-b>> sub 82 [priority 3]. The bird buzzed away, intent on its task.


He sighed inwardly. Clock Tower was a mess. A Magus is an arrogant and secretive creature; throw some together and tell them to educate children not their own and the most likely result will be death for all involved. However, the Clock Tower survived, due to an intricate system of checks, balances, and research grants. It was never exactly stable, but there were patterns. Glaucus could read those patterns; it was part of the job, and those patterns were shifting. Any sort of shift meant unbalance, the possibility of collapse, and an even higher workload for him.


Charity Burbage, the Lecturer in Recent Runes, had suddenly withdrawn her offer to teach elementary Bounded Field Theory after seeking the position for years.

Was whoever blackmailed her out of the position trying to be obvious? Would it be worse if an inexperienced plotter found her out, or if a Lord was successfully faking inadequacy?


His old classmate Sinistra had changed departments; moving from Spiritual Invocation, to Spiritual Evocation. It was a relatively slight change, from summoning and binding spirits to study of the soul, but the two departments had a long-standing vendetta.

Sleeper agents... The departments are growing tense. And planning that far back! Nobody expected it, save Eulyphis, and only a few of them were aware.


Lecturer Pince had left Clock Tower; the act was not unheard of, but rarely followed through with.

Was he forced to leave, did he just get tired, or did he see something coming?


Time to stop worrying and focus; he'd already done his piece. Lorelei should have recieved the letter by now, so it was safe for Lord Ascerbe to proceed. Lord Ascerbe was a known proponent of resurrecting the Grail Wars; that would be the safest way to release the pent-up tension in Clock Tower.

----

Lord Ascerbe 1

London, England. Clock Tower hallways. Same time.

Lord Ulysses Teth-Wylvan Ascerbe strode down the halls of Clock Tower. His worn red cape, a memoranda of long-past days in Clock Tower Academy, fluttered behind him, its hood half-concealing his face, and his ruby-tipped staff tapped out a perfect rhythm on the polished wooden floor. A few straggling Magi hurried up and down, clutching research papers or complicated pieces of equipment. Most quickly bowed their heads as they passed; Lord Ascerbe was not susceptible to flattery, so it was better to just cover the formalities and hope that you didn't get stopped. One young magus dropped her books directly in front of him. A flick of his finger sent them sliding down a branch hallway, and another silenced the frightened girl. Normally, he would have taken some time to enhance his reputation, but the Vice Director would not be pleased if he was late, and not even he dared risk the wrath of the Queen of Clock Tower, especially considering that her latest attempt to pin down the elusive Thirteenth Apostle's location after it fled Australia had ended in complete failure.

Glaucus's model required him to arrive a few minutes after his missive was read. More than enough time had passed, but following the letter straight in would be far too obvious. In the best possible situation, Lorelei would agree to the Grail War and assign Glaucus as a mediator to limit his power. Due to his prior agreement with Glaucus, he would be able to carry out his research in peace.

The meeting place was far from his workshop, but that was only to be expected. Lady
Bartholemoi did not like to expend excess effort, and the discussion would be on her terms. After all, he had been the one to make the request. So he said nothing and continued to walk.

[SeiKeo]

I'm writing this in a highly disorganized fashion. Different characters will have slightly different perspectives/views/writing styles. I will not be making use of unreliable narrators, because, as much as I like them, I don't think I can pull them off. Anyways, I'll get back on topic now. I have some parts of the story already laid out in my head, but most of it will be just made up on the spot since I'm lazy I want freedom to add ideas as they come.

Disorganized is bad. Writing is all about organization: being able to lay out your thoughts in a logical manner will get you farther than the cleverest turns of phrase. Making stuff up on the spot is fine; most of the story ideas I have floating around are only in my head and shift all the time, but you need to have at least a set framework to build off of.

Mari Itomura 1

London, England. Norwich Student Dormitory, Fourth Floor. 2023, nine years after Snowfield. Evening.

A square room with three bunk beds arranged in a U shape; the open side is towards the entrance. A dimmed fan and light combination is firmly bracketed to the ceiling. The left bunk's lower half is concealed by a blanket draped down from above, and the top is covered in hastily folded girl's clothes, most of which are uniforms. Judging by sound, somebody is attempting to find a comfortable position to sleep inside. The center bunk is probably behind a screen of books, which hide a window and possibly a bed from view. The bunk on the right side is fully open. The bed is unmade and assorted pieces of clothing seem to be randomly draped around.

You're about to switch into past tense when you go to the next paragraph: pick present or past and keep it mostly consistent. The first italicized sentence isn't complete. The problem with this is more twofold. First, it reads like a theater staging direction, not a proper description. It tells us what, in a superficial sense, the room is like, but it doesn't give us a sense of character or reason to it. The second issue is that it's misplaced. This description of the room doesn't bear on the rest of the 'chapter' and sort of sticks out on its own in the beginning; it doesn't seem to serve any purpose. This would make as much sense if you dropped the description of the room, which is a hint that it needs to change or go.

Even the Clock Tower's name was misleading. Of course, the official pamphlets and propaganda said that the "famous title" was "full of history and prestige", and, while the repute of Clock Tower was recognized across the world, Mari Itomura privately suspected that they kept the outdated misnomer just to confuse new entrants.

Pamphlets and propaganda seem weird to me; magi society doesn't seem like it would have that kind of advertising/organization. Rather, I would imagine the Clock Tower would have a reputation more like the old Ivy League back in the days before mass tertiary education: it has a known cachet among those who should be in the know anyways. Now, of course, this is simply the impression I get and not an authoritative statement, but as a reader it does throw me off since it doesn't seem to slide in with what we know about magi. This can be accounted for, so don't feel compelled to get rid of it.

As if they needed any more confusion! Even in the Academy, just talking to the wrong student or mentioning a possible department change might trigger a wave of repercussion; anything from stolen pencils to sabotaged exams to suddenly finding out that your favorite bakery, the one that sold those delicious fruit tarts, had, with no warning whatsoever, gone out of business might result.

I rather like this subsection: the idea that talking to the wrong person can cause your morning bakery to go under entirely unexpectedly is a great way to show how nutty the Clock Tower is. Just on a personal taste, I think the sentence has too many commas: I'd use hyphens to separate out the bit about 'the one... fruit tarts' to give the sentence a different cadence, as it were. With the commas, you have a sort of rise and fall pattern, which with the length of the sentence drags out a bit. Hyphens, I feel, are 'sharper' and add punch to the 'shock' element.

She was sixteen; sixteen year old students, especially those who've sacrificed- (not that she missed her old life, but she'd heard the stories) to get to their current position, should be studying, not plotting.

Did the hyphen slip in there as a typo? It's oddly placed, since the parentheses indicate the parenthetical statement. It would help to know what she sacrificed: to throw in that she sacrificed without having any idea of what removes the statement of much power.

Just being born Asian with a high number of circuits had cost her multiple quizzes and lectures. Never mind that she had never even seen or been the slightest bit interested in Japan, neglect the fact that she had no family crest, and, of course, discard her merely mediocre abilities in actual Magecraft, and maybe, if she had better grades, she would be worthy of their discrimination.

This is hard to parse: is she losing out on grades because she's Asian, and it's racial? Is it because she has natural potential, and the Clock Tower doesn't like that? The second sentence is also unclear. The long comma string muddles the meaning, so I can't quite tell what the eventual thrust is supposed to be. Does she mean to imply that she's discriminated against for no real reason, since she's not outstanding anyways? Does it all tie into the plotting idea you mentioned earlier?

The lessons started out at a fast pace and only grew faster. The dormitory doors were never locked, although Prana exchange was frowned upon, since there were other Magi who could use the money from potion sales. Ostensibly, this was so that any student attempting their own experimentation could be caught. Realistically, any intelligent student could hide their work. Of course, the Mage's Association would have no reason to teach someone who was idiotic enough to try their ideas without secrecy, so they won either way. The ridiculous three page schedule in tiny print, reissued every week, had no consistency; random guest lecturers showed up, other teachers were too busy with personal projects, had been off fighting Dead Apostles, or didn't feel like waking up. All of these things were tolerable, but the worst of it was that the scholars and teachers, the adults who were supposed to keep the mess that was Clock Tower Academy under control, just overlooked the chaos, or occasionally winked at superbly smart or scheming students.

This is where you could use some work, organizationally. The reason this is hard to read is that none of these ideas really feed into each other. You go from locked doors to hiding work to nutty teachers to chaos, but you don't draw a connection explicitly that unites these topics, so this section feels like a mess of ideas. Which, well, it is, but that's not to say it doesn't have potential, you just need a way to organize them better. The best way to approach that, for my money, would be to figure out what image of the Clock Tower you want to project to your reader, and then pick a few things to write a paragraph on each, separately.

It was the beginning of her second year, and she was already exhausted due to her summer. Looking for extracurricular credit, she'd taken an empty spot in some Lord's expedition along the path of Alexander the Great. Not that she regretted it; she'd met someone her age and ended up with a lyre from Troy. Once she reluctantly showed it to the Lord, he laughed and, oddly, said, "Alexander didn't want that one." He allowed her to keep it. That made him quite a strange man; as the expedition's patron, he was entitled to his pick of the spoils. An artifact from the Age of the Gods could fetch quite a tidy sum, sold through the right channels; more than enough for some new clothes. Had he just been showing off? He was a Lord, after all, and not exactly hard on the eyes at that...

Could use more expansion: your best targets to give the reader more understanding of what she did are probably why exactly the expedition was exhausting or how exactly this Lord is strange.

Mari rolled over, dizzy with sleep. Most of the Academy girls had their eyes on Lord El-Melloi II, so why even think about him? Some other girl would snatch him up, although... What kind of person would reject all those suitors? She'd have to find some sort of curtain soon; Narcelle had mentioned that the draping blanket made her appear antisocial, which was (obviously) only alright if you were a brooding prodigy, which, the girl had made very clear, Mari was not. She tried to move herself, but her straight black hair had gotten caught under her shoulder. She winced, closed her eyes, and tried to sleep. The next lecture was at 21:42 and Madrigal had asked her to wake him up half an hour early...

The shift from romance to curtains is very sudden: you can draw a clearer connection between her anti-social tendencies and her decorations of choice.

The desk and lamp were the only pieces of furniture Glaucus could see. This may have been due to the fact that his eyes were still adjusting to the dark, or might have been because they were the only pieces of furniture in the room. He hurried over to the desk, wiped some non-existant specks of dust off with his hand, sat down, and flung himself into his web of hummingbirds.

Only being able to see two pieces of furniture beacuse it's dark or because they're the only two there are mutually contradictory: only one of those can be the correct explanation, so it's strange to have it be a 'might' kind of sentence. To demonstrate this in the same way... could point that he can easily navigate in the dark because there's nothing to bump into.

Hummingbirds? What is a web of hummingbirds? It's not obvious enough that you need to expand on that.

He knew, without checking any sort of timepiece, that he had lost ten irretrievable minutes and forty-seven indispensable seconds, but Clock Tower's current state dictated that a letter like the one just delivered had to be sent in person. As the Chief Itinerarian of Clock Tower, he had to have an intimate grasp of its workings, machinations and rituals to even attempt getting any organization done.

Good way of showing character.

Space was a hot commodity in Clock Tower, yet nobody tried to requisition Glaucus's enormous office. It wasn't out of fear or respect; no Magus of ability would become a glorified schedule-maker. The reason he was allowed a fifty-foot cube of prime real estate under Clock Tower was because that was the absolute minimum required to do his job. Paper was everywhere; actually everywhere, not just covering the floor, (although it certainly was), but attached to the ceiling and hanging motionless in the air. Half-clockwork hummingbirds, his Mystic Code familiars, flitted back and forth, moving documents in seemingly random patterns. Glowing feeder/lamp combinations provided some light, but he had to depend on the tiny lights implanted on their foreheads.

Ah, here's the hummingbirds. Remember, like things go with like things. This description of the room would fit with the earlier description of his room, so that you don't jump around topics.

He performed the mental equivalent of a sigh. Clock Tower was a mess. A Magus is an arrogant and secretive creature; throw some together and tell them to educate children not their own and the most likely result will be death for all involved. However, the Clock Tower survived, due to an intricate system of checks, balances, and research grants. It was never exactly stable, but there were patterns. Glaucus could read those patterns; it was part of the job, and those patterns were shifting. Any sort of shift meant unbalance, the possibility of collapse, and an even higher workload for him.

I've never liked 'mental sigh,' it seems so... unwieldy. Sighing inwardly I think is cleaner.

It's sort of unclear what his job actually is: Chief Itineraian implies he has something to do with scheduling or organization, but here he's keeping the entire system stable. From later description, he seems more like a dean of faculty or the like? If you don't need to make up new roles, I'd refrain from doing so.

Charity Burbage, the Lecturer in Recent Runes, had suddenly withdrawn her offer to teach elementary Bounded Field Theory after seeking the position for years.

Was whoever blackmailed her out of the position trying to be obvious? Would it be worse if an inexperienced plotter found her out, or if a Lord was successfully faking inadequacy?

His old classmate Sinistra had changed departments; moving from Spiritual Invocation, to Spiritual Evocation. It was a relatively slight change, from summoning and binding spirits to study of the soul, but the two departments had a long-standing vendetta.

Sleeper agents... The departments are growing tense. And planning that far back! Nobody expected it, save, of course, Eulyphis itself, and it's likely that only their leadership was aware.

Lecturer Pince had left Clock Tower; the act was not unheard of, but rarely followed through with.

Was he forced to leave, did he just get tired, or did he see something coming?

Time to stop worrying and focus; he'd already done his piece. Lord Ascerbe was a known proponent of resurrecting the Grail Wars; that would be a safe and painless way to release the pent-up tension in Clock Tower.

We as the reader obviously know that the Grail Wars aren't safe or painless: for my interest, is Glaucus simply misinformed?

Lord Ulysses Teth-Wylvan Ascerbe strode down the halls of Clock Tower. His worn red cape, a memoranda of long-past days in Clock Tower Academy, fluttered behind him, its hood half-concealing his face, and his ruby-tipped staff tapped out a perfect rhythm on the polished wooden floor. A few straggling Magi hurried up and down, clutching research papers or complicated pieces of equipment. Most quickly bowed their heads as they passed; Lord Ascerbe was not susceptible to flattery, so it was better to just cover the formalities and hope that you didn't get stopped. One young magus dropped her books directly in front of him. A flick of his finger sent them sliding down a branch hallway, and another silenced the frightened girl.

Good: it doesn't over-describe, but manages to in a few sentences give us a sense of who he is.

Normally, he would have taken some time to enhance his reputation, but the Vice Director would not be pleased if he was late, and not even he dared risk the wrath of the Queen of Clock Tower, especially considering that her latest attempt to pin down the elusive Thirteenth Apostle's location after it fled Australia had ended in complete failure. The meeting place was far from his workshop, but that was only to be expected. Lady Bartholemoi did not like to expend excess effort, her Dead Apostle hunts being the exception, and, if Lord Ascerbe had been in her position, he would have done the same thing, so he did not hold it against her. After all, he had been the one to request the discussion. So he said nothing and continued to walk.

Consider replacing a few commas with some other punctuation: with this many, the cadence starts getting weird again.

So far, the biggest problem that I can tell that you have is what you've set out for yourself, which is that you need organization. With a little either forethought or editing you could get your writing to flow better and it'd improve a fair bit.

[Asdfghl]

Disorganized is bad. Writing is all about organization: being able to lay out your thoughts in a logical manner will get you farther than the cleverest turns of phrase. Making stuff up on the spot is fine; most of the story ideas I have floating around are only in my head and shift all the time, but you need to have at least a set framework to build off of.

This was originally four snippets: Mari (Clock Tower as chaotic to a mediocre student), Madrigal (Clock Tower as patterned to a prodigy), Lorelei (Clock Tower as uncontrollable from the top) and Lord Ascerbe (Clock Tower as patterned to a Lord).

Glaucus adds Clock Tower as chaotic from an organizer's perspective.
That was the idea at least. Emphasizing that would help clear this up. Unfortunately, I lost track of that while actually writing it.

You're about to switch into past tense when you go to the next paragraph: pick present or past and keep it mostly consistent. The first italicized sentence isn't complete. The problem with this is more twofold. First, it reads like a theater staging direction, not a proper description. It tells us what, in a superficial sense, the room is like, but it doesn't give us a sense of character or reason to it. The second issue is that it's misplaced. This description of the room doesn't bear on the rest of the 'chapter' and sort of sticks out on its own in the beginning; it doesn't seem to serve any purpose. This would make as much sense if you dropped the description of the room, which is a hint that it needs to change or go.

I needed somemething for Mari to make herself speculate on so that she avoids thinking about home. The room fits nicely.

Pamphlets and propaganda seem weird to me; magi society doesn't seem like it would have that kind of advertising/organization. Rather, I would imagine the Clock Tower would have a reputation more like the old Ivy League back in the days before mass tertiary education: it has a known cachet among those who should be in the know anyways. Now, of course, this is simply the impression I get and not an authoritative statement, but as a reader it does throw me off since it doesn't seem to slide in with what we know about magi. This can be accounted for, so don't feel compelled to get rid of it.

That makes more sense. So... Hm. About two years ago, Clock Tower sent a scout out to the Itomura household. Mari's mom and dad realized what Clock Tower wanted with her, but Mari misheard their objections and left anyway, (mostly because of teenage rebellion).

Partway through writing Mari's viewpoint, I realized that Mari and her sister felt too much like Aoko/Touko Aozaki, Lily/Petunia Evans, and the Tohsaka daughters, so I changed some stuff.

I rather like this subsection: the idea that talking to the wrong person can cause your morning bakery to go under entirely unexpectedly is a great way to show how nutty the Clock Tower is. Just on a personal taste, I think the sentence has too many commas: I'd use hyphens to separate out the bit about 'the one... fruit tarts' to give the sentence a different cadence, as it were. With the commas, you have a sort of rise and fall pattern, which with the length of the sentence drags out a bit. Hyphens, I feel, are 'sharper' and add punch to the 'shock' element.

Thanks! That was the first section that popped into my head; a girl sad about accidentally talking to the wrong person and finding her favorite bakery closed. This whole section is cluttered; partially because she's falling asleep but mostly because it's the first thing I wrote.

Did the hyphen slip in there as a typo? It's oddly placed, since the parentheses indicate the parenthetical statement. It would help to know what she sacrificed: to throw in that she sacrificed without having any idea of what removes the statement of much power.

Hyphen was a typo. I considered using more, but accidentally left that one in. She just left home; not a huge sacrifice, since she didn't get along with her parents. She's trying to blow it off, but she really does miss her younger sister, if not her parents.

This is hard to parse: is she losing out on grades because she's Asian, and it's racial? Is it because she has natural potential, and the Clock Tower doesn't like that? The second sentence is also unclear. The long comma string muddles the meaning, so I can't quite tell what the eventual thrust is supposed to be. Does she mean to imply that she's discriminated against for no real reason, since she's not outstanding anyways? Does it all tie into the plotting idea you mentioned earlier?

Mari's character came about because I was explicitly trying to avoid a Mary Sue. Why would somebody with no real skill be at Clock Tower? The answer I came up with was for Mari to be in a similar situation to Aoi Tohsaka. She's got the potential to produce a great heir, but no real skill of her own, so she was invited to Clock Tower so the noble families could see if she'd make a good childbearer. She thinks that everyone hates her because she's Asian and she has natural potential (in Magecraft, not heir-making), but they don't really care/just mess with her a little since she's mediocre, and she confuses that with hate. A prodigy like Rin would attract real hate and jealousy, but Mari doesn't have very much happen to her and exaggerates what does.

This is where you could use some work, organizationally. The reason this is hard to read is that none of these ideas really feed into each other. You go from locked doors to hiding work to nutty teachers to chaos, but you don't draw a connection explicitly that unites these topics, so this section feels like a mess of ideas. Which, well, it is, but that's not to say it doesn't have potential, you just need a way to organize them better. The best way to approach that, for my money, would be to figure out what image of the Clock Tower you want to project to your reader, and then pick a few things to write a paragraph on each, separately.

Okay. I'll keep this in mind.

Could use more expansion: your best targets to give the reader more understanding of what she did are probably why exactly the expedition was exhausting or how exactly this Lord is strange.

I was trying to have her mind wander and use that to show things. The Catalyst trip (Lord El-Melloi's expedition) felt awkward, but it was something I wanted to get out there initially and then drop some flashbacks to.

The shift from romance to curtains is very sudden: you can draw a clearer connection between her anti-social tendencies and her decorations of choice.

Her thoughts are slowly disconnecting as she goes to sleep. I'll try to convey that more clearly.

Only being able to see two pieces of furniture beacuse it's dark or because they're the only two there are mutually contradictory: only one of those can be the correct explanation, so it's strange to have it be a 'might' kind of sentence. To demonstrate this in the same way... could point that he can easily navigate in the dark because there's nothing to bump into.

Hummingbirds? What is a web of hummingbirds? It's not obvious enough that you need to expand on that.

The first time I wrote the sentence, I had them as "a web of familiars" instead, but he doesn't have a familiar contract with them. They're more like a Mystic Code.

Ah, here's the hummingbirds. Remember, like things go with like things. This description of the room would fit with the earlier description of his room, so that you don't jump around topics.

I've never liked 'mental sigh,' it seems so... unwieldy. Sighing inwardly I think is cleaner.

That does feel cleaner.

It's sort of unclear what his job actually is: Chief Itineraian implies he has something to do with scheduling or organization, but here he's keeping the entire system stable. From later description, he seems more like a dean of faculty or the like? If you don't need to make up new roles, I'd refrain from doing so.

He's the guy in charge of the "ridiculous three-page schedule in tiny print". No other major roles will appear. If any minor ones do, they're throwaways.


[quote/]We as the reader obviously know that the Grail Wars aren't safe or painless: for my interest, is Glaucus simply misinformed?[/quote]

Yes. Glaucus just assumes that since only seven Magi participate, only those seven can be killed (Clock Tower doesn't care about collateral damage). Needless to say, he's wrong.

Consider replacing a few commas with some other punctuation: with this many, the cadence starts getting weird again.

So far, the biggest problem that I can tell that you have is what you've set out for yourself, which is that you need organization. With a little either forethought or editing you could get your writing to flow better and it'd improve a fair bit.

I'll be editing this significantly. Thanks for the help.

[YeOfLittleFaith]

Uh. I like the different looks into the Clocktower's inner workings that we see here, and it feels like each section focusing on each character, has a different personality to it in narration and description as well. Leo pointed out the things that can receive improvement, and I don't think there's anything for me to add there.

But this is an interesting start. It may not be the point of the story, but it seems to me like you can paint a pretty multi-layered and complete picture of the Clocktower here.
Will be following it.

[Imperial]

Leo makes valid points across the board. You should take some cues from him.

I also agree with Ye in the sense that multiple frames of reference are a nice way to make the Tower seem more layered and "organic." It is not one thing to all people. The only caveat might be that too many tangents set the stage for too many trains of thought and the potential for dropped plot threads. There is nothing wrong with many POVs, but I think most writers avoid ensembles for the simple reason that a single, driving protagonist is easier to handle.

Speaking of the ensemble, Mari is an odd duck. It seems like you're trying to say she got into the Clock Tower because she has a truckload of Magic Circuits, which overcome the Asian prejudice. But then she's facing Asian prejudice anyway. Is she a prodigy busting barriers or is she a nobody? You talk about her poor grades. I don't know what to make of her.

To be fair, you go on to explain this in your response, but that just brings me to my next point: You're violating a basic tenant of "Show, Don't Tell." Admittedly, you've only just embarked on this story, so, for al I know, you would have spelled these things out for us over the course of the story anyway. So I'm not going to say you're a bad author.

But you are a scattered one, and you know that's your problem. There's nothing wrong with letting inspiration move you, but I believe most writers work best within at least a skeletal framework. I'm sure you have some idea of what these characters are going to do and how you want them to end up. Take a little time to sit down with yourself and plot out a few points on the map. If a given character is standing at Point A, how will they get to Point Z?

Either way, you've set the stage with some quirky characters I would definitely like to see more of. I'm especially fond of what a pretentious braggart Lord Ascerbe is almost guaranteed to be. A cape. That's marvelous.

[Asdfghl]

Leo makes valid points across the board. You should take some cues from him. I also agree with Ye in the sense that multiple frames of reference are a nice way to make the Tower seem more layered and "organic." It is not one thing to all people. The only caveat might be that too many tangents set the stage for too many trains of thought and the potential for dropped plot threads. There is nothing wrong with many POVs, but I think most writers avoid ensembles for the simple reason that a single, driving protagonist is easier to handle.

Well, I have to admit that I like lots of characters. There will definitely be more than seven Servants, although I don't have them all worked out. Not all characters will get consistent viewpoints, however, and people will die; it's a Grail War (or will be, eventually). Certain pieces link to others; Madrigal 1 comes directly after Mari 1 and Lorelei 1 (and only) links to Lord Ascerbe and Glaucus.

Speaking of the ensemble, Mari is an odd duck. It seems like you're trying to say she got into the Clock Tower because she has a truckload of Magic Circuits, which overcome the Asian prejudice. But then she's facing Asian prejudice anyway. Is she a prodigy busting barriers or is she a nobody? You talk about her poor grades. I don't know what to make of her.

She's closer to a nobody. Mari occasionally gets picked on for being asian, but most of the time, nobody really cares about what she does. However, she thinks that they're picking on her because she has latent potential (that's what the recruiter told her.). The only latent potential Mari really has (that we know of) is in producing heirs. She got invited to Clock Tower because she was detected as a wonderful childbearer, and Magi want to handpick the people they will use to continue their bloodlines. Of course, all she knows is that she was told that had latent potential and was wanted at Clock Tower, which technically wasn't a lie.

To be fair, you go on to explain this in your response, but that just brings me to my next point: You're violating a basic tenant of "Show, Don't Tell." Admittedly, you've only just embarked on this story, so, for all I know, you would have spelled these things out for us over the course of the story anyway. So I'm not going to say you're a bad author.

I intend to show more of her backstory stuff later. Her parents and younger sister will also come into play; although not all of them will summon.

But you are a scattered one, and you know that's your problem. There's nothing wrong with letting inspiration move you, but I believe most writers work best within at least a skeletal framework. I'm sure you have some idea of what these characters are going to do and how you want them to end up. Take a little time to sit down with yourself and plot out a few points on the map. If a given character is standing at Point A, how will they get to Point Z?

Well, I know some of the people at point A, and I know that I want them to go through B, D, and Q, but I don't know exactly how all of them will end up.

Either way, you've set the stage with some quirky characters I would definitely like to see more of. I'm especially fond of what a pretentious braggart Lord Ascerbe is almost guaranteed to be. A cape. That's marvelous.

What self-respecting Magus wouldn't want a fancy billowing cape? Ascerbe's is slightly worn, though.

Uh. I like the different looks into the Clocktower's inner workings that we see here, and it feels like each section focusing on each character, has a different personality to it in narration and description as well. Leo pointed out the things that can receive improvement, and I don't think there's anything for me to add there.

But this is an interesting start. It may not be the point of the story, but it seems to me like you can paint a pretty multi-layered and complete picture of the Clocktower here.
Will be following it.

Thank you. Clock Tower may eventually fade out of focus, but it has significant influence on characters, and I think it'll stay for a while.

[Asdfghl]

As of December 4, 2013, this is still a thing. If you are an admin/mod reading this, please delete the poll.

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Space and time are meaningless in the Throne. The Heroes within have no concept of either. They sleep, perfect and unique, just as they were when Alaya plucked them from the cycle of reincarnation for its collection. Alaya, humanity's collective unconsciousness, is not a merciful existence. It crushes anything that it perceives as a threat mercilessly and with no regard for bystanders.


The Heroes dream. Maybe Alaya simply cannot completely restrain such powerful souls, or maybe doing so would require attention better spent somewhere else. The possibility exists, although it is slight, that the spirit of humanity has a soft spot for those humans who are the most human.



...So little time together, wasted on a petty feud. I wish I could see him, hold him and be held again...

...I expect no mercy from the swift-footed warrior, but I must lie at his feet and beg. Take the ransom and give my body to my family. He refuses- and I see his death. They have a chance. I die, relieved...

...Revenge, for the children, for me! He died once; one death is not enough for the pain he caused...

...The rush of energy floods my veins, and I send a prayer of thanks to YHWH. Now to make sure he stays down...

... My hands shake. Little wonder, for my task is nigh on impossible. The old ways are dying...



So what makes a normal human into a legend who kills monsters, leads armies, rules kingdoms? The King of Knights, once a simple page, pulled a sword from a stone. The Conquerer sought "the ends of the world and the Great Outer Sea." The first hero of all was two-thirds god and one-third man.


There is an element of fate, certainly, but all Heroes have a goal, even if that goal is only survival. With no journey, a Hero cannot exist, and a journey without end is a goal in its own right.



...for a woman...

...to fight the strongest warriors to ever live for my best friend, because that's what he wanted...

...to explore and adventure...

...to live again, to live forever...

...to make the world interesting again...



So what would Humanity's finest do for a chance to accomplish that wish?



...to become the leader, once and for all?

...to prove my worth?

...to see him again?

...to be rid of this affliction?

...to do what is right?

Anything.