Still rather obscure compared to the other Heroic Spirits.
Still rather obscure compared to the other Heroic Spirits.
You can't make an omelet without breaking a few Tohsaka. -Fafnir
Naruto is just a shitty little boy taking up space that would be otherwise taken up by competent, otaku-ego-crushing badasses. -Five_X
I anticipate the day when the HA translation comes out and everyone realizes that Caren is the least sexually dominant character in the universe. -Kotonoha
Gun control programs are actually a mage-financed government plot to make mankind start generating hero units again. -McJon
It's really a matter of perspective. Every Hindu myth is obscure to Westerners when nothing could be farther from the case in India. Diarmuid was famous enough in his time and inspired copy cat legends like Tristan and Isolde.
Araya, what do you seek?
「アラヤ、何を求める」
------True wisdom.「――――真の叡智を」
Araya, where do you seek it?「アラヤ、何処に求める」
Only within myself.「――――ただ、己が内にのみ」
Araya, what is your favorite color?「アラヤ、好きな色は？」
Blue. No, ora-- Auuuuuuuugh!「青、いや、オレンジイイイイイアアアっ！」
Ugh, don't remind me of Tristan and Isolde.
Hope Rides With His Godly Ronin/Cowboy Brother In Law
Tristan and Isolde were based off of Diarmuid and Grainne? Had no idea.
See, those two I've heard of.
Lot of Arthurian characters and myths have prototypes in Celtic myths and probably some other sources. Especially when the French, Spanish, and Germans all started writing there own take on King Arthur (some of which had Round Tables, some which were pretty much all about the Round Table).
Araya, what do you seek?
「アラヤ、何を求める」
------True wisdom.「――――真の叡智を」
Araya, where do you seek it?「アラヤ、何処に求める」
Only within myself.「――――ただ、己が内にのみ」
Araya, what is your favorite color?「アラヤ、好きな色は？」
Blue. No, ora-- Auuuuuuuugh!「青、いや、オレンジイイイイイアアアっ！」
Hi. Basically created an account to share this. It isn't good, but hopefully it isn't terrible.
I had nothing to compare to when I wrote it.
Eliot Ness- The Legendary G-Man
Eliot Ness was an American Prohibition agent, and the leader of a legendary team of fearless law enforcers known as "The Untouchables", so named for their reputedly incorruptible nature. He became famous for his efforts in Chicago, Illinois, where he worked to bring down the infamous crime lord Al "Scarface" Capone. With the help of his men, he led numerous raids on Capone's operations, and collected abundant evidence of his crimes. Though, ultimately, it would be tax evasion that sent the mob boss to Alcatraz prison, history forever remembers Eliot Ness as "The Man Who Took Down Al Capone".
Class: Archer [alt. Rider]
Master: ???
Parameters:
Height: 5' 9"
Gender: Male
Weight: 136 lbs.
Alignment: Lawful Good
Strength: B
Endurance: A
Agility: B+
Magic: B
Luck: A+
Noble Phantasm: B+
Skills:
Independent Action; C+
Eliot is capable of extending his presence in the world when he should otherwise not be able to remain materialized while engaged in an act of justice. Typically, this would involve avenging a Master's death or injury at another's hands, or the punishment of a nefarious summoner. Due to the strain of maintaining his form, however, Eliot's capabilities are greatly reduced during this time, and he may not call on his Noble Phantasms. An exception to this is when doing so would accomplish his goals, as he will dematerialize within a few rounds following doing so.
Riding; C++
Eliot originates from a time when automobiles were common, and stories involving the way he made use of them in his daring exploits are a part of his heroic legend. Because of this, he is competent in the handeling of mechanical mounts, and even of able to achieve considerable skill with ground-based street vehicles. His ability is further heightened when driving older-model vehicles, like those of his own era. Possession of this skill allows him to qualify for the Rider class as well as being summoned as an Archer. In the modern age, he has developed a love of motorcycles.
Magic Resistance; E
Bravery; C
Charisma; D++
Eliot is an effective leader, if not a brilliant one. His talent for commanding loyalty is even greater than normal when leading a group of like-minded individuals, united in the pursuit of justice, and at it's strongest when commanding a small, tight-knit group of such people, typically no greater than twelve persons in number.
Martial Arts; E
Long Arm of the Law; EX
A special skill which allows the user to emulate the skills of other Servants they have encountered while in the pursuit of justice. The use of the skill must in some way relate directly to furthering this pursuit to be effective. At low ranks, it is only possible to emulate a single skill possessed by the individual the Servant wishes to enact justice upon. Higher ranks enable the use of skills by those outside of the immediate target of the hunt, though not the ability to to use more than one. Because of his status as a legendary enforcer of law, Eliot is able to employ any skill he has even seen used before, sometimes even at a higher level than the one who he imitates. However, being an especially young Heroic Spirit, he has not gained the full use of this ability.
Noble Phantasms:
Chicago Typewriter: Authority to Use Extreme Force; Anti-Army, C+++
Utilizing what appears to be an antique Thomson submachinegun, Eliot discharges a large number of rounds, charged significantly with prana. These bullets are discharged in a spray over an area, continuously firing until a full drum has been expended, or until Eliot willingly ceases firing. In either case, the amount of energy the attack consumes remains the same. When using this attack, it is possible for those under Eliot's command to join in with projectile weapons of their own, and the effect is extended to them as well. Due to the increased destructive force of ammunition enhanced in this way, a combined assault may reach Anti-Fortress status under optimum conditions. The power of this Noble Phantasm represents the raids made by Eliot and his men upon mob holdings, and the destruction that they wrought upon the same.
Untouchable Agency: Enforcement of the Law That Shakes a Nation; Barrier, B
Eliot's badge is a symbol of his authority, and a focus for his determination as a law enforcer. By presenting the object and reciting an authoritative phrase, such as "Federal raid, stay where you are!", Eliot is able to surround himself in an aura of righteous authority that significantly boosts his Magic Resistance and Bravery, and raises the morale of any units under his command. It has a secondary effect of reducing the power of attacks which target Eliot or his comrades, causing them in most cases to be treated as one or two ranks lower than usual, though sufficiently powerful Noble Phantasms may be wholly unaffected. Due to its reliance upon Eliot's status as a defender of law and justice, he cannot employ Untouchable Agency while working towards evil ends.
Reads.
Saber-level stats
EX rank personal skill that allows him "to copy skills better then their wielders".
Yeaaaah.
This.Originally Posted by Mellon
Spoiler:
Under extremely limited conditions. Read better. >_>
Also, "Saber-level stats" ? Class bias much?
Not so much as a Class bias as much as inconceivable.
Why an Archer, a modern Servant Archer no less, would have such boss stats is quite silly.
Spoiler:
Perhaps because the Servant classes ARE biased?
Also, modern Servant, poorly explained conditional Parameter modifiers, etc, etc...
Last edited by Daneel Rush; November 13th, 2012 at 04:28 PM.
Tell Gilgamesh how weak an Archer is.
...
To the point, first of all, I've checked this and his stats are lower than those of a Saber. As are his Noble Phantasms. As are his skills. Secondly, the argument that the Servants are class-biased is bullshit, since there are canon examples of that not being the case (and "Gilgamesh can also be summoned as a Saber" isn't a valid argument, as if class had anything to do with it, he would be weaker as an Archer, not "undoubtedly the strongest Servant").
As to why a young Servant would be powerful, I first of all don't think he's that powerful at all, and would undoubtedly be creamed by most A-listers. Secondly, most Servants are only well-known in a particular nation where their myth originates from, and most nations are small. By comparison, Eliot Ness is known in most of the United States, which is the size of several older nations, so if one assumes that the fame of a Servant's legend influences their power (which, canonically, it does), then the size of America and the influence of Hollywood in portraying Ness as an action hero in multiple movies and television programmes would certainly offset his youth to a degree.
Third...I'd be open to suggestions on the Parameter modifiers if people could refrain from being so snide. I couldn't find much information on how they should work. The "Modern = Insta-bad" attitude is seriously unhelpful and I would appreciate it if you kindly shoved it someplace.
First of all, your dude is modern. That already means that either he made a pact with the World (Archer) or... well he isn't in the Throne to begin with. If he did make a pact, then I shall point you to EMIYA, another modern Archer (who only managed to get those stats through Alaya boosting the everloving crap out of him). Those are your "max stats" basically, since EMIYA was most likely also using Reinforcement to some degree.
Secondly. Your EX rank skill is pure and utter wank. "Obtaining the skills of others" and being better at them then the original users is BS, simply because Elliot Ness has absolutely 0 precedent to it. What? He suddenly has better eyesight then Houyi who shot down 7 suns? Suddenly better in pulling off Tsubaeme Gaeshi then Koujiro? Better in Chinese Martial Arts then Li Shunwen? These dudes spent their entire lives perfecting these skills and Elliot Ness has never even shown anything (not even in his "legend" if you can even call it such) that would even remotely suggest that he would have anything of the sort.
Heck, he isn't even that famous (or representative of "law" or "justice") anywhere outside the US.
Nasuverse runs on a simple concept.To the point, first of all, I've checked this and his stats are lower than those of a Saber. As are his Noble Phantasms. As are his skills. Secondly, the argument that the Servants are class-biased is bullshit, since there are canon examples of that not being the case (and "Gilgamesh can also be summoned as a Saber" isn't a valid argument, as if class had anything to do with it, he would be weaker as an Archer, not "undoubtedly the strongest Servant").
Mankind is deteriorating.
Gil can have uber stats because he is the "oldest hero of Mankind". Same for any hero that comes from the Age of Gods or the wider, older mythology. Modern dudes do not have this claim, since modern people in Nasuverse are as strong as you or I.
Last edited by Mellon; November 13th, 2012 at 05:12 PM.
First, Gil is a horrible example of a Archer. Gil is powerful because he's motherfucking Gilgamesh, The First Hero in civilization according to Nasu. And age grants mystery and power to a person, object, etc.
Second, Classes are inherently biased. As cool as the Assassin class is, no fucking way Hassan is gonna go toe-to-toe with Berserkers. Gilgamesh once again doesn't play by the rules cause he's Gilgamesh.
Third, Elliot Ness is not popular enough to garner these stats. Hollywood fame and American love is not the same as centuries of legends and myths.
Spoiler:
Yeah, okay. I'm done with this forum. I came here hoping for some constructive criticism. Instead, I found out that it's everyone's personal mission to give people shit and be as condescending as possible. Have fun with that. I think you're all assholes. (Also, the whole "Modern people cannot naturally become heroes" rule is and has always been utter bullshit, made up be some guy in Japan with too big of a hard-on for the feudal era...AND the series itself has contradicted it in the past.)
Don't let the door hit you on the way out. If you cannot handle the internet or the setting you are supposedly trying to fit your creation into then... well I don't know what you are doing here in the first place.
We are giving you constructive criticism. But if you feel that way then feel free to leave.
Spoiler:
I'm just checking in but everything said so far seems constructive.
He never sleeps. He never dies.
Battle doesn't need a purpose; the battle is its own purpose. You don't ask why a plague spreads or a field burns. Don't ask why I fight.
>The parameters are too strong for his class. You should lower the parameters.
>The closer to modern day a Servant is, the weaker it is on average, and this guy is very modern. You should lower the parameters.
>Your + modifiers are poorly explained as to when they actually kick in. You should explain them better.
>The EX skill is wanked and OP without any reason to be, given that there's no precedence for it in his "legend". You should change it.
>Here are the basic concepts that the Nasuverse runs on, you should try to stick to them to make your Servant more believable as being able to fit into the Nasuverse.
Yeah, all of this is constructive. You're just horrible at taking any form of criticism and seem to feel that ignoring the concepts laid out by the universe is a better alternative to actually following them, for the most part just invalidating the reason for making a Servant to fit into a Nasuverse setting in the first place.
If you don't want a Servant to be judged by existing standards, why use an existing system?
Surprised that we don't have an Argonaut-man
Name: Jason
Class: Rider
Gender: Male
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Bio:
-Background
One of the most famous figures in Greek Mythology. The son of Aeson, the rightful king Iolcus, and husband to the magus, Medea. His legend existed in 1200 BC or thereabouts, he is the famous captain of the Argo.
A leader of extraordinary heroes, he could be called the Captain America of the ancient world, leading the likes of Atlanta, Hercules, Orpheus, Bellerophon, Nestor, Pollux, Theseus, and Persus, on a quest to find the fabled Golden Fleece and regain the throne that was rightfully his.
However, most of legend is attributed to that of his wife helping him, thereby compared to the heroes that he ruled, he has rather low parameters.
A hero of the heroes, he was blessed by the mother goddess Hera at the beginning of his journey, and it was thought his fate would be one of greatness.
However, his life was one of tragedy and heartbreak.
For that reason, Jason not only defied, but utterly violated his fate of greatness only to die, homeless, under the hull of his rotting ship.
It is not an exaggeration that his Luck stat is so high as to high have such a high amount of fate defying Prowers only meant tragedy for his hero with a brilliant fate.
Not that he cares though.
-The Man with One Sandal
Peilas, uncle of Jason and usurper to the throne, in fear that one day he would be overthrown consulted an oracle, and was told to beware the man with one sandal.
Thinking that was completely stupid, Peilas forgot all about that and many years later held games in honor of his father Posiden. The youth Jason decided to test his worth in these games, and travelled to Iolcus. On his way he helped an old woman cross the river Anauros, while helping her cross the river he lost one of his sandals. Now, the woman he helped turn out to be the goddess Hera in disguise who then blessed him.
When he arrived in the city, he was announced as the “man with one sandal,” which is when Pelias sent him to retrieve the Golden Fleece.
It would be this blessing by Hera that would allow Jason to go through many hardships and adventures; however, he lost the blessing towards the end of his life as a result for breaking his vow to love Medea forever.
Parameters:
Strength: C
Endurance: C
Agility: B
Mana: C
Luck: A+
Noble Phantasm: A
Class Skills:
Magic Resistance: B
Cancels spells with an incantation below three verses. Even if targeted by High-Thaumaturgy and Greater Rituals, it is difficult to be affected.
Riding: A plus
Creatures on the level of Phantasmal Beast and Divine Beast can be used as mounts. However this does not apply to members of the Dragon Kind.
Personal Skills:
Voyager of Storms: A
The talent to impel a ship and all those who identify with it. Because the ability as a group leader is also necessary this skill confers Charisma and Military Tactics.
At A rank, and because of Jason’s legend, it confers a D plus in Charisma and a D rank in Military Tactics.
Eye of the Mind (False): D
An innate talent to sense and avoid danger based on intuition that can also be called the Sixth Sense or prescience, gained through many ordeals and adventures. As a natural talent to avoid danger based on the "perception and resolution of the current situation."
Jason’s rank in this should be higher, but he relied too much on his wife on his adventures and not enough on himself. The rank he has is from watching her do all the dirty work and the from the time when he didn't have her to rely on.
Protection from Flames (False): B+
Rather than a charm or a spell, this is an ointment that Jason spreads on himself to protect himself from flames. Made by his wife, it originally served as way to ride his Noble Phantasm. The ointment will protect him from any flame that comes from a phantasmal species, however, in the case of a normal flame, the protection only goes up to that of nine hundred and ninety-nine degrees Celsius. The ointment is ineffective against Dragon Kind, however will reduce the damage of their flames slightly. The ointment also ranks up strength and endurance. The ointment lasts for twenty four hours before the need for reapplication.
Argon Coin: EX
A golden fleece. Supposedly a dragon will be summoned when dropped onto the ground. Since Jason does not have the knowledge to summon this creature, it can only be used to destroy the economy and help the gold standard.
Noble Phantasms:
Name: Boustrophedon
Title: Conditions of the Khalkoutauroi
Type: Anti-Army
Rank: A+
Range: 2-50
Maximum Number of Targets: 100
Description:
Unlike two certain Rider’s Noble Phantasms, this is never the fastest charge, nor the attack, but the Noble Phantasm is the set of conditions that determine the damage and the force of the plough.
First the plough is the one that Jason used to sow King Aeetes field with the teeth of dragons. It is drawn by two bronze bulls that breathe fire. These bulls would usually be considered as part of the Monsterous Beast class; however, they are both Divine Constructs, created by the God and Divine Spirit of Smiting Hephaestus thereby designating them as Divine Beasts of the highest order. If the Bulls themselves were Noble Phantasms they would each be ranked A plus plus.
Its top speed is five hundred kilometers per hour.
Generally this Noble Phantasm offers an increase of AC 130, but how this Noble Phantasm works can be split into split into two parts.
First when the Noble Phantasm is activated two checks are made on the opponent, a Strength Check for the mechanical plough and then a Magic Check for the flames.
The Strength Check and Magic Check are met if the opponents Strength or Magic Stat are equal or higher than Rider’s own stats.
If neither stat check are met the opponent takes the full brunt of the Noble Phantasm’s numerical damage. Furthermore, dragon tooth warriors sprout out wherever the plough’s trail and attacks the opponent.
If only one of the stat checks are made then the proportion of the attack is changed to reflect the stat checks. Each difference of a numerical rank up, is a proportion change of ten percent. For example: against a Servant with A rank Strength and D rank Magic, the proportions of fire to mechanical power will be 60 percent to 40 percent, in favor of the Mechanical power. This is the Noble Phantasm’s automatic balancing principle that is based on the opponent.
This means the more flames that are needed, the less force there is to attack with, with that being said, every ten percent increase in the flame’s proportion means a ten percent decrease in the total attack output of the Noble Phantasm. In an extreme case, the Noble Phantasm can be reduce to a numerical fifty; however, the Rank is constant.
Furthermore, if the Noble Phantasm in the side of Mechanical power, the Magical Resistance of the bulls is lowered to Jason’s Magic Resistance, and the Bull’s divine protection against flames is also reduced to that of Jason’s rank of protection from flames.
However, if the Magic Check is the one that is met Protection from Flames is further raised so that flames can no longer harm the rider.
Usually, the plough can only be harmed by the flames of Dragon Kind.
If both Magic and Strength Checks are met, a third check is required for the progression of the Noble Phantasm. This is an Agility Check. The Agility Check works on the same principle as the other two checks. If the Agility Check is not met then the Noble Phantasm ranks down to C plus and damage is decreased.
However, if the Agility Check is matched the true power of the Divine Construct can be released.
First the differences between all the opponents’ stat checked stats and Jason’s stats are added on as Noble Phantasm values. The maximum total of this Noble Phantasm is 149 when the stats are added on, however since this is a Divine Construct, this is not the limit, if say… a Command Spell was used.
All saving roll can then be quartered at the cost of 50 AC.
However due to the decrease of AC, the Noble Phantasm is now allowed a full transfer of power to either the Flames or Mechanical Power. In this case, Magic Resistance and Protection from Flames are not changed.
Jason likes to call this a Noble Phantasm befitting a hero as a hero is a complex existence.
Anyone else would call it a needlessly complex Noble Phantasm.
Name: The Argo
Title: The Swiftest Ship
Type: Anti-Army
Rank: C++
Range: 1-20
Maximum Number of Targets: 70
Description: The ship that bore the Argonauts to Aia, it has seen the rise and fall of the Heroic Spirit Jason and therefore is what symbolizes the naïve hero.
Usually it has AC 90; this is because it is blessed by the goddess of marriage and the patron goddess of Jason, Hera, and that it is made with the wood from the sacred forest of Dodona. After its journey to retrieve the Golden Fleece it was turned into the constellation of Argo Navis. This part of its legend allows the ship to fly through the night sky.
If the ship encounters a Heroic Spirit with either Protection of Faith with C rank or higher, the AC is reduced by 30. The same also happens if the opponent happens to have a C rank in Divinity or higher. If the opponent happens to have both, then this Noble Phantasm reverts back to its standard C rank.
As on its prow is the wood of the tree of Dodona, it also has the gift of prophecy that is… precognition through calculating the past of the air that it is touching.
Like a certain Rider’s flagship, parts of this ship can also be detached and summoned, like the armory, or the sails and as it is part of the stars, it has the ability to sail through the night sky, the moment dawn approaches though, the ship will start falling to the earth.
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